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1
00:00:00,600 --> 00:00:02,720
♪ Oh, Mandy
2
00:00:02,720 --> 00:00:07,960
♪ Well, you came
and you gave without taking
3
00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:09,760
♪ But I sent you away
4
00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:12,360
♪ Oh, Mandy
5
00:00:12,360 --> 00:00:17,280
♪ Well, you kissed me
and stopped me from shaking
6
00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:19,440
♪ And I need you today
7
00:00:19,440 --> 00:00:21,720
♪ Oh, Mandy. ♪
8
00:00:21,720 --> 00:00:23,800
And that's why they should be shot.
9
00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:26,720
Controversial stuff from
Ben in Bow, there. Thank you, Ben.
10
00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:30,400
Right, now, I think we've got
a first-time caller on line one.
11
00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:33,320
Who's there?
Caller, you're live on the radio.
12
00:00:34,560 --> 00:00:36,160
Iain? Yes.
13
00:00:38,600 --> 00:00:41,920
Hello? Iain? Yes, I can hear you.
Can you hear me?
14
00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:45,040
Yes. Is that Iain?
It is Iain. Who's that?
15
00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:47,360
Can I just say, I thought
you were great in the jungle.
16
00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:48,960
Thank you very much.
That's very kind.
17
00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:52,040
What's your name, please, caller?
It's Mandy. Mandy Carter.
18
00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:55,120
Hey, Mandy, nice to talk to you.
Whereabouts are you calling from?
19
00:00:55,120 --> 00:00:57,400
Er, I'm in a coffin, being buried.
20
00:00:57,400 --> 00:00:59,360
Right, OK.
You're in a coffin, being buried.
21
00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:02,560
I've got to say, these wind-up calls
really need to improve a little bit.
22
00:01:02,560 --> 00:01:05,400
No, Iain, I wouldn't mind you up.
You sure you're in a coffin?
23
00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:07,080
Yeah. Listen.
KNOCKING
24
00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:09,680
Can you hear that?
It sounds like you're in a coffin.
25
00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:12,320
What on Earth are you doing there?
Do you need help? What can I...?
26
00:01:12,320 --> 00:01:16,160
Oh, no, ta, Iain. Getting out
would more trouble than it's worth.
27
00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:18,320
Why don't you tell me
what's happened?
28
00:01:18,320 --> 00:01:20,640
Well, it all started two days ago
29
00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:23,800
when an old friend wanted to discuss
a job with me in the Red Cow.
30
00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:33,960
Mandy.
31
00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:35,000
Donna.
32
00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:40,160
I've got a job, big one,
and I'm a player short.
33
00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:45,040
I've told you, I'm retired.
The last one was too close.
34
00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:47,360
I'm putting together
the finest line-up
35
00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:49,160
since the Great Railway Robbery.
36
00:01:49,160 --> 00:01:52,640
Railway...? They got caught!
It's all reliable people.
37
00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:55,040
Lucy Spatchcock, the NutriBullet.
38
00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:57,480
If there's a way into a bank vault,
she'll crack it.
39
00:01:57,480 --> 00:02:00,040
Tina Sinkhole. Driver. Trustworthy.
40
00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:01,640
And she's got a Volvo.
41
00:02:01,640 --> 00:02:05,120
Wendy Typhoid. The fixer.
There ain't nothing she don't know.
42
00:02:05,120 --> 00:02:07,520
Isn't she the one who went on
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
43
00:02:07,520 --> 00:02:09,360
and got stuck at £300?
44
00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:11,000
She comes highly recommended.
45
00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:14,080
What do you want me for?
46
00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:15,600
Surveillance.
47
00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:18,320
Someone to be our eyes and our ears.
48
00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:19,800
I told you, I'm retired.
49
00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:21,920
MOCKING: "I told you, I'm retired."
50
00:02:21,920 --> 00:02:23,880
Especially after what happened
on the last job.
51
00:02:23,880 --> 00:02:26,200
ALARM RINGS
Hello? You still there?
52
00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:30,280
Donna? Donna!
53
00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:32,720
You shouldn't have put weight on,
Mandy. I couldn't help it.
54
00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:35,120
There was Japanese Kit Kats
in some of those deposit boxes.
55
00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:36,720
THUMP!
I need this!
56
00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:38,800
I've been planning this
for too long.
57
00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:41,920
This thing has got to run
like a Swiss clock.
58
00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:44,440
Now, are you going to do the job?
Yes or no?
59
00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:47,400
No. Yes!
60
00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:49,640
Fuck off, wanker, you're doing it.
61
00:02:49,640 --> 00:02:51,200
Is that from a film?
62
00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:52,840
Sexy Beast. Oh, yeah.
63
00:02:55,560 --> 00:02:57,680
Have I done something to upset you,
Mandy?
64
00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:03,680
What? Have I done something
to upset you?
65
00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:06,080
No, no, course not, Donna.
66
00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:09,280
You're doing the job.
67
00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:11,760
That's the end of it.
68
00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:15,000
Now get me a taxi!
69
00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:17,920
She wanted you to do a robbery?
That's right, Iain.
70
00:03:17,920 --> 00:03:20,200
And you said no?
Actually, I said yeah,
71
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:24,240
but I wasn't really part
of the robbery, I was only lookout.
72
00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:26,080
I had to break into an undertaker's
73
00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:29,000
so I could monitor the guards
in the bank next door.
74
00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:43,880
SHE KNOCKS ON WALL
75
00:03:57,360 --> 00:03:59,560
Who do you think runs this country?
76
00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:02,400
Government. No.
77
00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:06,160
Well, yes, but also
the lizard people. Lizard?
78
00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:09,360
No, not lizards.
Like, lizard people.
79
00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:13,080
I mean, these are like hybrids
of lizards and people.
80
00:04:13,080 --> 00:04:15,720
Like, we know what lizards are.
Lizards are just lizards.
81
00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:19,600
These are like lizard people,
people that have...
82
00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:21,480
..lizard-y traits.
83
00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:24,160
I've not really... I've not
really read too much about it.
84
00:04:24,160 --> 00:04:25,600
It's mainly my own thinking.
85
00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:31,280
This is Broadsword.
Come in, Donna Ball.
86
00:04:31,280 --> 00:04:34,000
DONNA: Don't use my real name
over the air, Broadsword.
87
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:36,600
Shit, sorry, Donna.
Are you in position?
88
00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:38,520
Yeah. I'll give you a shout
if they move.
89
00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:40,360
Good girl. Danny Boy out.
90
00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:44,000
GUARD: Then there's the Queen,
of course. She's another one.
91
00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:45,400
Lizard? Yeah.
92
00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:48,440
A lizard, and like a really
high up lizard as well.
93
00:04:48,440 --> 00:04:50,720
You know, she had Diana killed.
94
00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:54,600
MUSIC: Sway
by Dean Martin
95
00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:07,520
♪ When marimba rhythms
start to play
96
00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:11,880
♪ Dance with me
Make me sway
97
00:05:11,880 --> 00:05:15,520
♪ Like a lazy ocean
Hugs the shore
98
00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:19,720
♪ Hold me close
Sway me more
99
00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:23,320
♪ Like a flower bending
in the breeze
100
00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:27,840
♪ Bend with me
Sway with ease
101
00:05:27,840 --> 00:05:31,280
♪ When we dance
You have a way with me
102
00:05:31,280 --> 00:05:35,880
♪ Stay with me
Sway with me
103
00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:39,920
♪ Other dancers may be on the floor
104
00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:43,720
♪ Dear, but my eyes will see
only you
105
00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:47,720
♪ Only you have a magic technique
106
00:05:47,720 --> 00:05:52,080
♪ When we sway I go weak
107
00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:55,320
♪ I can hear the sound of violins
108
00:05:55,320 --> 00:06:00,040
♪ Long before it begins
109
00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:03,400
♪ Make me thrill
as only you know how
110
00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:08,280
♪ Sway me smooth
Sway me now... ♪
111
00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:10,320
They're trying to keep it
from people like you,
112
00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:12,680
the little people, the sheeple.
113
00:06:18,280 --> 00:06:21,200
Well, I suppose we'd better have
another once around the vault.
114
00:06:26,840 --> 00:06:29,360
SHE SNORES
115
00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:32,640
DONNA, OVER RADIO: Broadsword?
Broadsword, there's movement.
116
00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:33,960
What is going on?
117
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:36,040
GUARD, MUFFLED: Hang about.
What's going on here?
118
00:06:36,040 --> 00:06:39,200
Broadsword, what is going on?
119
00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:41,880
Broadsword. Broadsword! Mandy!
ALARM BLARES
120
00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:44,280
We've been had! Run, run!
121
00:06:44,280 --> 00:06:47,000
For fuck's sake! Mandy!
122
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:49,080
You fell asleep in the coffin?
123
00:06:49,080 --> 00:06:52,280
Yeah. Well, I'd had about two pints
of Advocaat, of course I did.
124
00:06:52,280 --> 00:06:54,400
Right. So when did you wake up?
125
00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:57,640
Er, well, I woke up this morning.
126
00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:08,680
God, she's barely recognisable.
127
00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:11,560
Yeah, well, the illness
really took its toll.
128
00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:14,200
What's she wearing
a tool belt for?
129
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:16,240
Oh, God, she looks terrible.
130
00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:21,400
Oh, God.
131
00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:29,800
RATTLING
132
00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:32,920
MUSIC: Crime Of The Century
by Supertramp
133
00:07:34,480 --> 00:07:36,200
PHONE BEEPS
134
00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:52,680
One, two, three, hup!
CREAKING
135
00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:03,240
THUD
136
00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:05,680
PHONE BEEPS
137
00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:08,680
Hey, Siri, I'm trapped in a coffin.
What do I do?
138
00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:12,400
PHONE BEEPS
SIRI: I found this on the web.
139
00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:15,960
Hi, guys! Thanks to all of you
so much if you've left a comment,
140
00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:18,280
you've liked or subscribed
to my channel.
141
00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:20,600
Today we're going to be talking
about what to do
142
00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:22,560
if you're trapped in a coffin.
143
00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:24,160
Help!
144
00:08:24,160 --> 00:08:26,920
I'm trapped in a coffin!
145
00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:30,720
Now, first of all, it's really
important you don't panic.
146
00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:33,680
Don't panic! Rr-aa! Ps-hw!
147
00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:37,240
You've got about enough oxygen
to last about 90 minutes.
148
00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:39,360
TICKING, HE SCREAMS
149
00:08:39,360 --> 00:08:42,320
But if you panic, you're going
to use it up too quickly.
150
00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:44,320
CHURCH BELLS RESONATE
151
00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:47,640
To slow down your breathing,
try meditation.
152
00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:49,600
Oo-mm!
153
00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:53,880
Or imagine you're somewhere
peaceful, like a tropical beach.
154
00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:56,240
RELAXING MUSIC PLAYS
155
00:08:56,240 --> 00:08:59,840
Or basically just anywhere else
that isn't a coffin.
156
00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:03,560
UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS
157
00:09:03,560 --> 00:09:05,120
SHE CHUCKLES
158
00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:09,200
SHE LAUGHS
159
00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:13,480
SHE LAUGHS
160
00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:18,400
Stupid little shit.
161
00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:22,640
SHE LAUGHS
It's only a cucumber!
162
00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:25,360
SHE LAUGHS
163
00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:27,280
PHONE RINGS
164
00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:29,360
Hello, Mandy Carter speaking.
165
00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:31,680
Hi, Mandy.
It's Dani from Fitness First.
166
00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:34,760
Is now a good time to talk?
Er, yeah. Why not?
167
00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:36,480
Great! Well, just to let you know,
168
00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:39,040
our special offer of signing up
without paying the joining fee
169
00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:43,120
is still on. So just so you don't
miss out, can we sign you up today?
170
00:09:43,120 --> 00:09:45,520
Oh, no. You're all right. Thanks.
171
00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:48,160
Right, what is it that's making you
have reservations?
172
00:09:48,160 --> 00:09:50,040
Oh, no. It's a really good offer
and that.
173
00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:52,560
It's just that I'm stuck in a coffin
at the moment.
174
00:09:54,520 --> 00:09:56,800
Hello? Oh, sorry.
175
00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:59,240
For a second I thought you said
you were stuck in a coffin.
176
00:09:59,240 --> 00:10:02,400
No, I am. I'm having
a really bad day, actually.
177
00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:05,400
OK. Well, should we try you later,
after you've had a little think?
178
00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:08,080
Yeah, yeah. All right.
All right. Bye.
179
00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:11,880
MUSIC RESUMES: Crime Of The Century
180
00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:16,080
PHONE RINGS
181
00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:21,640
Oh, look, if it's Fitness First,
it's definitely a no.
182
00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:23,480
Fitness fucking First?!
183
00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:26,360
I'm going to fucking kill you,
you bellend.
184
00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:28,160
Oh, hiya, Donna.
185
00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:29,720
I'm going to bury you alive.
186
00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:30,920
Funny you should say that.
187
00:10:30,920 --> 00:10:34,560
I'm in the nick and I get to make
one fucking phone call
188
00:10:34,560 --> 00:10:36,040
and I'm using it to tell you
189
00:10:36,040 --> 00:10:38,720
that I'm going to squash your
fucking skull like a watermelon,
190
00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:40,120
you cunt!
191
00:10:40,120 --> 00:10:43,800
Oh, look, Donna, I'm really sorry
about falling asleep on the job,
192
00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:46,120
but I'm stuck in a coffin
at the moment.
193
00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:47,960
Don't give me excuses, you fuck.
194
00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:52,120
Um, I'm going into a tunnel.
195
00:10:52,120 --> 00:10:53,840
SHE IMITATES STATIC
196
00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:57,760
Ah... Be... Oh... I...
197
00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:06,400
MUSIC RESUMES: Crime Of The Century
198
00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:13,560
PHONE VIBRATES
199
00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:18,280
Hiya, Lola. Oh, hi, Mandy.
How are you, my darling?
200
00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:20,720
Eh, yeah. Not, not so bad.
201
00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:23,120
Listen, sorry to be a bother,
202
00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:27,040
but I don't think I'm going to
make my appointment this afternoon.
203
00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:29,920
OK, my darling.
Are you still on for next week?
204
00:11:29,920 --> 00:11:33,120
No, I don't think I'm going to
make that one either.
205
00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:38,560
Look, I've got to go.
OK. Bye. Bye, Lola.
206
00:11:38,560 --> 00:11:40,440
You've been a good friend to me.
207
00:11:40,440 --> 00:11:43,200
I'm still going to have to
charge you the cancellation fee.
208
00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:46,200
All right. Fair enough.
All the best.
209
00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:49,040
MUSIC RESUMES: Crime Of The Century
210
00:11:54,120 --> 00:11:58,760
"I am the resurrection
and the love," sayeth the Lord.
211
00:12:00,160 --> 00:12:05,040
"He that believeth in me, though
he were dead, yet shall he live."
212
00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:07,040
MANDY COUGHS
And whosoever...
213
00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:11,160
"And whosoever liveth..."
COUGHING CONTINUES
214
00:12:11,160 --> 00:12:13,720
"..and believeth in me
shall never die."
215
00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:18,440
The Lord gave
and the Lord has taken away.
216
00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:20,040
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
217
00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:24,640
MUSIC RESUMES: Crime Of The Century
218
00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:37,600
MUSIC STOPS
219
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:41,360
And that's how I got here
and I thought, "I'll call Iain Lee."
220
00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:43,840
I've never called
a radio station before.
221
00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:45,680
Ticked something off
the bucket list. Hey,
222
00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:47,680
don't speak like that, Mandy.
It's not too late.
223
00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:49,160
We can still send help. OK?
224
00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:50,640
No, you're all right, Iain.
225
00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:53,320
Thing is, if I get out of the
coffin, I'll only go to prison
226
00:12:53,320 --> 00:12:56,320
and Donna Ball said she'd burst
my head like a fucking watermelon.
227
00:12:56,320 --> 00:12:58,920
Yeah. No-no bad language, please.
Watch-watch your language.
228
00:12:58,920 --> 00:13:02,440
Oh, shit. Sorry, Iain. No,
I'd rather just go on my own terms.
229
00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:05,200
Oh, Mandy. That's so sad.
It's for the best.
230
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:08,480
Right. Well, I suppose
if we can learn anything from this,
231
00:13:08,480 --> 00:13:10,840
it's that crime simply doesn't pay.
232
00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:13,080
Well, this one certainly didn't.
SHE LAUGHS
233
00:13:13,080 --> 00:13:15,360
Mandy. How can I help you
in your final moments?
234
00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:16,880
What can I do for you?
235
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:19,480
If you could just play
something peaceful and uplifting,
236
00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:21,120
that'd be nice. OK.
237
00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:23,080
Well, it's not really
a music radio station,
238
00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:25,800
but let me have a little look,
see what we've got on the system.
239
00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:26,960
Thanks, Iain.
240
00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:29,120
Ooh! We've got this.
This is perfect.
241
00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:32,160
Mandy, this is for you,
242
00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:33,480
from me.
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00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:36,120
PEACEFUL MUSIC PLAYS, SHE SIGHS
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00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:43,040
Bye, Iain. Goodbye, Mandy. See you.
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00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:45,880
Go well, Mandy, go well. Ta-ra.
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I'm going to stay with you
right until the very end.
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I'm slipping, Iain.
I know you're slipping.
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00:13:50,560 --> 00:13:53,280
Are you still there?
I'm still here.
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00:13:53,280 --> 00:13:57,120
Is that still you, Iain?
Oh, it's still me. Yeah.
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00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:59,760
Still you? I won't go, Mandy.
I promise.
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00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:04,160
I'm going now, Iain.
OK, go easy.
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00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:07,200
Oh, I'm still here. OK.
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00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:11,320
Gosh, this slip is, er...
It's a very slow one, isn't it?
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00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:19,720
And... Bye, Iain.
..you're still there.
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00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:30,800
And...
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00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:33,120
..I think Mandy's gone.
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00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:35,320
OK, well, we're coming up to the...
Iain!
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00:14:35,320 --> 00:14:37,480
There's a drill down here, I forgot!
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00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:40,720
♪ Oh, Mandy
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00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:45,680
♪ Well, you came
and you gave without taking
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♪ But I sent you away
Oh, Mandy
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♪ Well, you kissed me
and stopped me from shaking
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♪ And I need you today
Oh, Mandy. ♪
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00:14:59,410 --> 00:15:03,960
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