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1
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♪ Oh, Mandy
2
00:00:03,160 --> 00:00:07,120
♪ Well, you came and you gave
without taking
3
00:00:07,120 --> 00:00:11,520
♪ But I sent you away
Oh, Mandy
4
00:00:11,520 --> 00:00:16,520
♪ Well, you kissed me
and stopped me from shaking
5
00:00:16,520 --> 00:00:19,320
♪ And I need you today
6
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♪ Oh, Mandy. ♪
7
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This programme contains some
strong language and adult humour
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Hiya.
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Is it Sergei?
10
00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:40,560
RUSSIAN ACCENT: Yes. You do Airbnb?
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Come in.
12
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Never done it before.
13
00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:51,160
A bit strapped for cash.
14
00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:53,560
This is the living room.
15
00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:57,320
Is that a blow-up chair? Yeah.
16
00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:01,720
It deflates after a couple of hours,
but...
17
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AIR ESCAPING FROM CHAIR
18
00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:05,880
It's a bit of fun, isn't it? Yes.
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Show you the lav.
20
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This is the lav.
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This will be your room.
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It does not look like photo
on Airbnb.
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I put a filter on it.
24
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Never mind, I will take room.
It is very convenient.
25
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Right. Do you want me
to get your bags?
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00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:46,200
No!
27
00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:47,720
Do not touch bags.
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In fact, better you do not touch
any of my things while I'm here.
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Suit yourself.
30
00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:57,640
So, are you here
on your holidays, then?
31
00:01:57,640 --> 00:01:59,840
Er, yes. Holidays.
32
00:01:59,840 --> 00:02:02,200
I could show you around,
if you like.
33
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Whereabouts did you want to go?
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Salisbury.
35
00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:08,480
Did you know clock tower
is over 200 years old?
36
00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:09,880
No, I didn't know that, no.
37
00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:13,480
I would also like to visit GCHQ.
Ooh!
38
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Never been to GCHQ.
39
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I've heard it's lovely.
40
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Can I come with you?
41
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I've got a two-for-one railcard.
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UPTEMPO MUSIC
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RADIO: Police are investigating
a series of suspicious deaths
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in London yesterday with bodies...
45
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TURNS OFF
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Sergei.
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Sergei?
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I've got something
I'd like to say to you.
49
00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:03,800
Yes, please. There is something
I'd like to say to you also.
50
00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:06,480
You go first. No, you go first!
51
00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:09,360
After three,
we'll both say it together.
52
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One, two, three.
53
00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:14,240
I think I'm in love with you.
I wish to marry you.
54
00:03:16,640 --> 00:03:20,520
Oh, Sergei!
Let's not rush into things.
55
00:03:20,520 --> 00:03:23,800
Let's just get to know each other
first. Yes, please.
56
00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:28,320
I long to know everything about you
and your decadent culture.
57
00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:31,760
Well, my favourite programme's
Bargain Hunters.
58
00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:35,120
I do not know this programme.
You don't know Bargain Hunters?!
59
00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:38,200
It's only what Raiders Of The
Lost Ark could've been.
60
00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:41,640
Well, tell me about you, Sergei.
What you like, what you dislike.
61
00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:44,040
I like strong leaders
62
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and the resurgence of Russia
on the world stage.
63
00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:52,000
I dislike liberalism, R&B and eggs.
64
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:53,040
Eggs?
65
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Well, these were a waste of time.
66
00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:58,920
Oh, Mandy. I love you. Marry me.
67
00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:02,080
Oh, Sergei!
68
00:04:02,080 --> 00:04:06,360
I like you. You're dead fit
and you've got a lovely tracksuit,
69
00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:07,960
but it will never work out.
70
00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:10,240
We're from different worlds,
you and I.
71
00:04:10,240 --> 00:04:12,160
Please, Mandy. I love you.
72
00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:13,760
I know you so well.
73
00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:16,880
I know your favourite programme
is Bargain Hunters.
74
00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:19,280
Your favourite cigarette, Silk Cut.
75
00:04:19,280 --> 00:04:22,480
Your favourite fingernail colour,
minty pig.
76
00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:24,000
You believe in UFOs,
77
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and one day you aspire
to breed Doberman Pinschers.
78
00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:29,560
Oh, Sergei,
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you do know the real me!
80
00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:35,560
Oh! I've had a lovely time
these last few days.
81
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Go on. I will. I will marry you.
82
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Say something in your own language.
83
00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:46,800
I won't understand, but I'd just
like to hear it.
84
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IN RUSSIAN:
85
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Such a beautiful language.
86
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Are you sure you're doing the right
thing, marrying this man?
87
00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:33,000
You've only just met him!
I'm telling you, Lola,
88
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he's the one for me.
89
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He knows me so well. It's like he's
read a file on me or something!
90
00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:40,520
Look at that dress. It's perfect.
91
00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:42,000
It's beautiful.
92
00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:45,720
But a dress like this will cost
hundreds of pounds.
93
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Can you lend me the money?
94
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I'll give it you back.
95
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I'll just leave the tag in
and take it back after the wedding.
96
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It's beautiful!
97
00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:04,280
You look like the
Duchess of Fergie, in her prime.
98
00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:07,400
I want the wedding to be artistic
but accessible.
99
00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:09,440
You know,
like a Cadbury's Flake advert.
100
00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:13,880
I didn't know you had a tattoo.
Oh, yeah.
101
00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:16,400
That's Shaun Ryder
from Happy Mondays.
102
00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:17,600
Yeah, it is.
103
00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:19,680
It says, "I am married to
Shaun Ryder."
104
00:06:21,040 --> 00:06:22,880
Yeah, I am.
105
00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:25,040
A tattoo that says,
"I am married to Shaun Ryder"
106
00:06:25,040 --> 00:06:27,480
could be a problem
when you marry Sergei.
107
00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:32,400
This is my big special day, Lola.
I want this dress!
108
00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:36,360
Why did you never tell me
you were married to Shaun Ryder?
109
00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:39,840
It were 1998.
110
00:06:39,840 --> 00:06:41,800
MUSIC: Step On
by Happy Mondays
111
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♪ You're twisting my melon, man... ♪
112
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Chinese Airlines flight 676
had crashed,
113
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killing all 342 people onboard.
114
00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:55,920
Pete Sampras had just won
the tennis.
115
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COMMENTATOR: Pete's done it!
Pete Sampras has done it. He's won the tennis.
116
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:02,800
And Black Grape
were just coming to an end.
117
00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:06,600
There were three of us in this
marriage, so it were a bit crowded.
118
00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:10,160
So, one night, I snuck into his
hotel room, found him in bed.
119
00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:12,240
Threw back the sheets.
120
00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:14,000
I knew Bez had been there.
121
00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:16,760
I'd simply had enough.
122
00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:19,760
He loved that man more than
he loved me, so I walked away.
123
00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:23,880
But he never got over me.
124
00:07:23,880 --> 00:07:26,680
How could he, once he'd had
a slice of this cake?
125
00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:31,080
Anyway, I can't afford this laser
tattoo removal.
126
00:07:31,080 --> 00:07:33,840
Oh, your story has touched my heart.
127
00:07:33,840 --> 00:07:35,400
I will do it for you.
128
00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:39,360
Oh, will you, Lola?
That's so kind of you. For £30.
129
00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:44,360
I don't have one of these
laser tings, unfortunately.
130
00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:47,280
It's OK, I will use this instead.
131
00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:50,880
Will it hurt? I don't think so.
132
00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:53,160
But you may need
to bite down on this.
133
00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:57,760
Are you ready? Yeah, I'm ready.
134
00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:02,600
May the Lord guide my hand.
135
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:10,600
MUFFLED SCREAMING
136
00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:14,600
Jesus Christ!
137
00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:17,760
INDISTINCT
138
00:08:17,760 --> 00:08:19,160
What did you say, darling?
139
00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:22,920
INDISTINCT
140
00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:25,160
I said it smells like pork.
141
00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:32,560
Thanks again, Lola.
142
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:34,880
How does it look?
143
00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:38,440
I'll get you some Germolene.
144
00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:47,760
MUSIC: Suddenly
by Angry Anderson
145
00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:04,040
♪ I only dreamed that I would find
146
00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:11,680
♪ A loving heart, an open mind
147
00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:15,760
♪ To see the real me
148
00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:21,280
♪ And I hoped that you would be
the one
149
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:31,400
♪ A chance to talk, a chance to grow
150
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:40,320
♪ I'll take the risk,
let my feelings flow
151
00:09:40,320 --> 00:09:46,720
♪ I've found the words
I need to say... ♪
152
00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:53,520
If any person present knows
any lawful impediment
153
00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:57,880
to this marriage,
he or she should declare it now.
154
00:09:57,880 --> 00:09:59,440
Stop!
155
00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:02,560
In the name of the Father and
the Holy Ghost, stop the wedding!
156
00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:05,240
Oh, fuckin' hell, Shaun.
Who is this man?
157
00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:08,600
Shaun Ryder from Happy Mondays
and Celebrity Gogglebox.
158
00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:10,800
We're still married! Prove it.
159
00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:13,680
You want proof? Here's proof.
160
00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:19,080
Show 'em your back, Mandy,
161
00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:21,440
the matching tattoo you had
done of me. Show 'em.
162
00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:24,880
GASPING
Oh, God!
163
00:10:29,560 --> 00:10:31,720
Can we please get on with wedding?
164
00:10:31,720 --> 00:10:33,280
If any person present...
165
00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:34,520
DOOR OPENS
166
00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:37,360
Armed police! Armed police!
Sergei Molotov, get down!
167
00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:39,400
Get down on the ground!
168
00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:41,840
Drop it, or I'll shoot!
169
00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:44,080
Ha! You won't shoot me.
170
00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:46,040
You English with your rules,
171
00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:49,840
with your Oxford-Cambridge,
and your boat race,
172
00:10:49,840 --> 00:10:53,440
and your PG Tips
and your Fry and Laurie.
173
00:10:53,440 --> 00:10:55,040
I'm Shaun Ryder.
174
00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:58,880
So long as there's breath in my
body, evil will not prevail.
175
00:11:27,680 --> 00:11:29,920
Let's wrap this up.
176
00:11:29,920 --> 00:11:32,320
I have a civil partnership at 4:45.
177
00:11:33,680 --> 00:11:36,160
Civil partnership?!
178
00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:37,760
Oh, how liberal!
179
00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:39,440
I've got a clear shot.
180
00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:44,800
I'm taking the shot.
181
00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:03,240
INAUDIBLE
182
00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:07,080
Oh, my God, this is terrible!
183
00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:09,480
I'm never going to get my money
back on the dress now.
184
00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:11,760
For God's sake, call an ambulance!
185
00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:15,240
And the dry cleaners!
186
00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:20,160
Your back scab was thick enough
to stop the bullet?
187
00:13:20,160 --> 00:13:21,800
It's my lucky back scab, Lola.
188
00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:24,240
I'm going to keep it forever
and use it as an ashtray.
189
00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:26,960
I cannot believe Sergei
was working for Putin.
190
00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:31,240
Well, in hindsight,
he was a bit shifty.
191
00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:34,320
Then why did you take a bullet
for him?
192
00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:36,160
What can I say?
193
00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:37,720
I love a bastard.
194
00:13:39,560 --> 00:13:42,680
RUSSIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM PLAYS
195
00:13:42,730 --> 00:13:47,280
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