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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1216 00:54:23,459 --> 00:54:24,761 All right, can I help you? 1217 00:54:24,794 --> 00:54:26,828 Man: Sometimes I have suicidal thoughts. 1218 00:54:26,862 --> 00:54:28,898 I feel like I want to jump off a building 1219 00:54:28,931 --> 00:54:32,001 or slit my wrists or put a bullet in my head. 1220 00:54:32,034 --> 00:54:35,038 Well, have you considered drowning? 1221 00:54:35,071 --> 00:54:38,441 I mean, they say it's like God giving you a big wet hug... 1222 00:54:38,474 --> 00:54:39,809 forever. 1223 00:54:39,842 --> 00:54:41,878 Stop calling here. 1224 00:54:43,813 --> 00:54:46,482 Female chorus: ♪ Ooh, "Love Chair" ♪ 1225 00:54:46,515 --> 00:54:49,452 Announcer: Tune in same time tomorrow for more... 1226 00:54:49,485 --> 00:54:51,688 Hey, you know when that "On the air" sign is on, 1227 00:54:51,721 --> 00:54:53,022 that means you're on the air. 1228 00:54:53,055 --> 00:54:54,591 Oh, heh heh. Oops. 1229 00:54:56,092 --> 00:54:57,760 You know, you're a natural? 1230 00:54:57,793 --> 00:54:59,095 Well, your station's listeners 1231 00:54:59,128 --> 00:55:00,496 really bummed me out. 1232 00:55:00,529 --> 00:55:01,931 They're a bunch of crackpots. 1233 00:55:01,964 --> 00:55:03,766 Well, Pat, those are exactly the kind of people 1234 00:55:03,799 --> 00:55:05,401 who call a radio talk show. 1235 00:55:05,434 --> 00:55:06,836 Well, they're too freaky for me. 1236 00:55:06,869 --> 00:55:09,372 Why can't they just have normal relationships? 1237 00:55:10,973 --> 00:55:14,744 Pat, why don't you be the new host of "Love Chat"? 1238 00:55:14,777 --> 00:55:16,446 Great. 1239 00:55:16,479 --> 00:55:17,647 I'm hired! 1240 00:55:27,156 --> 00:55:29,991 Guess what, Kathy. I got a job. 1241 00:55:30,025 --> 00:55:32,028 I have a radio show called "Love Chat." 1242 00:55:32,061 --> 00:55:34,364 Yeah, I know, Pat. That was my show. 1243 00:55:34,397 --> 00:55:35,565 Well, small world. 1244 00:55:35,598 --> 00:55:36,799 No, no. I got fired today. 1245 00:55:36,832 --> 00:55:40,370 Oh, Kathy, that's terrible. 1246 00:55:40,403 --> 00:55:41,738 Why? 1247 00:55:41,771 --> 00:55:43,873 Because they gave you my show. 1248 00:55:43,906 --> 00:55:46,976 Oh, that must be awful for you, Kathy. 1249 00:55:47,009 --> 00:55:48,811 Is there anything I can do? 1250 00:55:48,844 --> 00:55:50,747 Uh, yeah. Could you give me my job back? 1251 00:55:50,780 --> 00:55:53,549 I don't think they'd go for that down at the station. 1252 00:55:53,582 --> 00:55:55,051 Plus, I wouldn't do it 1253 00:55:55,084 --> 00:55:57,053 because I really need this job. 1254 00:55:57,086 --> 00:55:59,522 Well, then do me a favor and get out of here! 1255 00:55:59,555 --> 00:56:01,624 - Okay? - I'd better go. 1256 00:56:01,657 --> 00:56:04,026 Ramrod. Ramrod. 1257 00:56:04,059 --> 00:56:05,395 Come on, baby, be the one. 1258 00:56:05,428 --> 00:56:06,662 - [buzzing] - Come to Papa. 1259 00:56:06,695 --> 00:56:08,965 Access denied. [chuckling] 1260 00:56:08,998 --> 00:56:10,133 [muttering] 1261 00:56:11,200 --> 00:56:12,667 [laughing] 1262 00:56:12,701 --> 00:56:13,837 [buzzing] 1263 00:56:15,037 --> 00:56:16,805 Pig! I'm sorry. 1264 00:56:16,839 --> 00:56:18,607 Okay. 1265 00:56:18,641 --> 00:56:22,078 [female chorus scatting] 1266 00:56:22,111 --> 00:56:26,182 Announcer: You're listening to KVIB FM. 1267 00:56:26,215 --> 00:56:28,551 And now for the southland's hottest talk radio, 1268 00:56:28,584 --> 00:56:30,453 here's Pat. 1269 00:56:30,486 --> 00:56:33,423 Hi. This is "Pat Chat." 1270 00:56:33,456 --> 00:56:36,859 And I'm your host, Pat Riley. [chuckling] 1271 00:56:36,892 --> 00:56:38,560 I'm ready to listen 1272 00:56:38,594 --> 00:56:41,631 to all of your most personal and intimate problems 1273 00:56:41,664 --> 00:56:44,100 and then, uh, solve them for you, 1274 00:56:44,133 --> 00:56:46,435 so, uh, let's take our first call. 1275 00:56:48,671 --> 00:56:50,906 Woman: I've contracted a horrible disease, 1276 00:56:50,940 --> 00:56:53,676 and I've been told I don't have much time to live. 1277 00:56:53,709 --> 00:56:55,645 [sobbing] What should I do? 1278 00:56:55,678 --> 00:56:57,513 [baby crying] 1279 00:56:57,546 --> 00:57:00,549 Why don't you go 1-800-Waah-waah-waah 1280 00:57:00,583 --> 00:57:03,219 waah-waah waah-waah? [chuckling] 1281 00:57:03,252 --> 00:57:05,788 All right, next call. 1282 00:57:05,821 --> 00:57:08,790 Kyle: Pat, I-- I-- I like to dress up 1283 00:57:08,824 --> 00:57:10,827 like my sexually ambiguous neighbor 1284 00:57:10,860 --> 00:57:12,528 [cuckoo cuckoo] 1285 00:57:10,860 --> 00:57:12,528 and prance around the apartment all night. 1286 00:57:12,561 --> 00:57:14,163 Sure you do, Mr. Looney Tunes. 1287 00:57:14,196 --> 00:57:15,565 Adios! 1288 00:57:15,598 --> 00:57:17,633 I'm tired of these cranks. 1289 00:57:17,666 --> 00:57:21,171 Let's screen these callers, people. 1290 00:57:27,610 --> 00:57:29,112 [doorbell rings] 1291 00:57:33,782 --> 00:57:36,786 Hi. Blast from your past. 1292 00:57:36,819 --> 00:57:40,122 Hi. I'm a famous radio personality now. 1293 00:57:40,155 --> 00:57:41,824 That's really-- That's great. 1294 00:57:41,857 --> 00:57:44,928 Uh, Pat, there's something I have to tell you. 1295 00:57:47,196 --> 00:57:48,665 Can I come in? 1296 00:57:51,200 --> 00:57:54,937 Pat, you know, I never want you and I to be enemies, okay? 1297 00:57:54,970 --> 00:57:58,006 But, uh, I have to go away for a little while. 1298 00:57:59,108 --> 00:58:00,576 Where? 1299 00:58:00,609 --> 00:58:02,879 I'm leaving on Sunday at 5:30 for Tibet, 1300 00:58:02,912 --> 00:58:05,047 on a spiritual quest. 1301 00:58:05,080 --> 00:58:07,049 A quest? 1302 00:58:07,082 --> 00:58:10,920 Yeah. Um, I'm gonna be gone for at least a year, Pat. 1303 00:58:10,953 --> 00:58:12,622 What? 1304 00:58:12,655 --> 00:58:14,023 So I really thought it was important 1305 00:58:14,056 --> 00:58:15,725 that I come by and tell you 1306 00:58:15,758 --> 00:58:17,692 that I think I'm probably always gonna love you, Pat. 1307 00:58:17,726 --> 00:58:20,997 Well, then great! Then we have no problems, then. 1308 00:58:21,030 --> 00:58:23,132 No, Pat. What I'm trying to say 1309 00:58:23,165 --> 00:58:25,768 that I'm really sorry it didn't work out between us. 1310 00:58:25,801 --> 00:58:26,936 Well-- 1311 00:58:28,270 --> 00:58:29,939 Well, I'm also sorry 1312 00:58:29,972 --> 00:58:33,009 that you couldn't have been more sensible. 1313 00:58:35,945 --> 00:58:37,213 Goodbye, Pat. 1314 00:58:47,089 --> 00:58:49,692 People. Can't live with them, 1315 00:58:49,725 --> 00:58:51,259 and you can't live without them. 1316 00:58:51,293 --> 00:58:53,029 Ohh... 1317 00:58:56,932 --> 00:58:58,935 Damn, I must have missed it. 1318 00:58:58,968 --> 00:59:01,703 [Kyle imitating Pat's voice] There's only three left. 1319 00:59:01,737 --> 00:59:03,906 I know that. Thank you. 1320 00:59:03,939 --> 00:59:05,707 [chuckling] 1321 00:59:05,741 --> 00:59:07,176 Zymase. 1322 00:59:12,014 --> 00:59:15,117 Access denied. [chuckling] 1323 00:59:15,150 --> 00:59:16,819 Zymotic? 1324 00:59:23,959 --> 00:59:25,194 Ohh... 1325 00:59:28,664 --> 00:59:29,799 Zythum. 1326 00:59:30,866 --> 00:59:32,569 Please work. 1327 00:59:36,739 --> 00:59:39,241 We're in. We're in! 1328 00:59:39,274 --> 00:59:40,643 We're in, we're in. 1329 00:59:40,676 --> 00:59:42,078 We're in, we're in. 1330 00:59:42,111 --> 00:59:43,246 We're in. 1331 00:59:44,346 --> 00:59:45,781 We're in. 1332 00:59:45,814 --> 00:59:47,249 Ohh... 1333 00:59:47,282 --> 00:59:49,619 We're in, we're in, we're in, 1334 00:59:49,652 --> 00:59:51,320 we're in, we're in, we're in. 1335 00:59:51,353 --> 00:59:53,356 We're in, we're in. 1336 00:59:53,389 --> 00:59:54,791 The diary. 1337 01:00:01,664 --> 01:00:04,233 "Once I got it home, I realized I didn't like it. 1338 01:00:04,266 --> 01:00:06,335 "I mean, who wants a plaid bath mat anyway? 1339 01:00:06,368 --> 01:00:08,136 "So I took it back and exchanged it 1340 01:00:08,170 --> 01:00:09,338 "for a delicious tan one. 1341 01:00:09,371 --> 01:00:13,843 Well, more brown, really." 1342 01:00:13,876 --> 01:00:16,045 Pat on radio: ...be all tender and sumptuous enough 1343 01:00:16,078 --> 01:00:17,780 to bring tears to your eyes. 1344 01:00:17,813 --> 01:00:19,949 And people everywhere are making Tom Chuck's 1345 01:00:19,982 --> 01:00:22,018 their dinnertime destination. 1346 01:00:22,051 --> 01:00:24,987 Come and enjoy! 1347 01:00:25,020 --> 01:00:27,056 All right, sounds good. 1348 01:00:28,390 --> 01:00:30,259 Okay, I'll remind you 1349 01:00:30,292 --> 01:00:33,229 this is KVIB. I'm Pat. 1350 01:00:33,262 --> 01:00:34,797 You know what I always say: 1351 01:00:34,830 --> 01:00:36,232 we're made for each other. [sputter] 1352 01:00:37,733 --> 01:00:39,135 Oh, Pat. 1353 01:00:39,168 --> 01:00:41,104 [chuckling] 1354 01:00:39,168 --> 01:00:41,104 Pat. 1355 01:00:49,378 --> 01:00:53,315 Always try to be equal partners in a relationship. 1356 01:00:53,348 --> 01:00:54,850 Thank you very much. 1357 01:00:54,883 --> 01:00:56,852 I'm Pat, and I'm here all night, 1358 01:00:56,885 --> 01:00:59,722 ready to lend a sympathetic ear. 1359 01:00:59,755 --> 01:01:01,757 Let's take our next call. 1360 01:01:01,790 --> 01:01:03,058 Hello. 1361 01:01:03,092 --> 01:01:04,326 Chris: Hi, Pat. 1362 01:01:04,359 --> 01:01:06,729 Hello. Don't waste my time. 1363 01:01:06,762 --> 01:01:08,164 What's your name, caller? 1364 01:01:08,197 --> 01:01:09,699 Well, it's-- 1365 01:01:09,732 --> 01:01:12,368 You can call me Chris, Pat. 1366 01:01:12,401 --> 01:01:15,071 All right, Chris, what's your problem? 1367 01:01:15,104 --> 01:01:17,439 Well, I had this special someone in my life-- 1368 01:01:17,473 --> 01:01:20,276 we'll call this person Pat-- 1369 01:01:20,309 --> 01:01:22,778 and, well, we were engaged, yeah, 1370 01:01:22,811 --> 01:01:24,780 and, uh, well, I just didn't feel 1371 01:01:24,813 --> 01:01:26,282 that Pat was ready to make a commitment, 1372 01:01:26,315 --> 01:01:28,851 not to-- not to a job or to me. 1373 01:01:28,884 --> 01:01:32,121 But now for the first time Pat has some job stability, 1374 01:01:32,154 --> 01:01:33,422 - and-- - Uhh? 1375 01:01:33,455 --> 01:01:34,824 I just want to tell Pat 1376 01:01:34,857 --> 01:01:37,860 that I-- I love Pat for who Pat is 1377 01:01:37,893 --> 01:01:39,795 and not for what Pat does. 1378 01:01:39,828 --> 01:01:43,766 And I really wish we could get back together again, Pat. 1379 01:01:43,799 --> 01:01:45,301 Well... 1380 01:01:45,334 --> 01:01:48,937 you're not giving me much to go on here, Chris. 1381 01:01:48,971 --> 01:01:51,207 Can you be more specific? 1382 01:01:51,240 --> 01:01:54,209 Well, I guess what I'm trying to get at, Pat, 1383 01:01:54,243 --> 01:01:57,046 is that, well, I'm leaving for Tibet tomorrow, 1384 01:01:57,079 --> 01:01:58,948 you know, to get over Pat, 1385 01:01:58,981 --> 01:02:01,984 and I'm not so sure that's the right thing to do now, Pat. 1386 01:02:02,017 --> 01:02:05,120 Well, if you're asking for my advice, 1387 01:02:05,154 --> 01:02:06,522 and I guess you are, 1388 01:02:06,555 --> 01:02:08,524 I would say that this Path person 1389 01:02:08,557 --> 01:02:10,792 just sounds like a real nightmare. 1390 01:02:10,826 --> 01:02:14,096 I say hit the road and don't look back. 1391 01:02:14,129 --> 01:02:15,931 [chuckling] Next call. 1392 01:02:15,964 --> 01:02:17,199 But-- 1393 01:02:17,232 --> 01:02:18,400 Some people, I don't know 1394 01:02:18,433 --> 01:02:20,136 why they get hooked up with these losers 1395 01:02:20,169 --> 01:02:21,937 in the first place. 1396 01:02:21,970 --> 01:02:24,939 Listen, what I have to give you people is tough love. 1397 01:02:24,973 --> 01:02:27,009 It may not sound pretty, but I can help you. 1398 01:02:27,042 --> 01:02:28,944 That's right, I'm Pat. 1399 01:02:28,977 --> 01:02:30,946 I'm here to help you all night long. 1400 01:02:30,979 --> 01:02:33,281 "Chris can be so frustrating. 1401 01:02:33,315 --> 01:02:35,117 "I mean, who is wearing the pants 1402 01:02:35,150 --> 01:02:37,019 in our relationship anyway?" 1403 01:02:37,052 --> 01:02:38,888 Exactly what I want to know! 1404 01:02:40,022 --> 01:02:41,790 "I have a confession to make. 1405 01:02:41,824 --> 01:02:43,392 "Dear Diary: 1406 01:02:43,425 --> 01:02:46,195 Something not even my closest friends know about me." 1407 01:02:50,365 --> 01:02:52,267 "I haven't vacuumed under my couch 1408 01:02:52,301 --> 01:02:53,803 "since I moved into my apartment. 1409 01:02:53,836 --> 01:02:56,272 There, I said it I feel so much better already." 1410 01:03:01,376 --> 01:03:02,812 That's it? 1411 01:03:04,246 --> 01:03:06,215 Th-Th-Th-That's all? 1412 01:03:06,248 --> 01:03:09,051 The most intimate record 1413 01:03:09,084 --> 01:03:12,053 of every detail of Pat's life, 1414 01:03:12,087 --> 01:03:16,559 and not a single clue about Pat's sex? 1415 01:03:16,592 --> 01:03:19,061 Why? 1416 01:03:19,094 --> 01:03:23,966 Why? That's so unfair! 1417 01:03:23,999 --> 01:03:28,837 I'm sleepy, and you people are boring me. 1418 01:03:28,871 --> 01:03:33,142 This is KVIB FM. I'm your host Pat. 1419 01:03:33,175 --> 01:03:34,977 Now let's take our next call, 1420 01:03:35,010 --> 01:03:37,180 and make it something lively! 1421 01:03:39,348 --> 01:03:41,517 [Eastern European accent] I'm wanting to be telling you 1422 01:03:41,550 --> 01:03:43,118 that I'm having something 1423 01:03:43,151 --> 01:03:45,120 that none of your other callers have. 1424 01:03:45,153 --> 01:03:47,957 What's that, your sanity? 1425 01:03:47,990 --> 01:03:50,225 No. Your diary. 1426 01:03:50,259 --> 01:03:52,862 What? Who is this? 1427 01:03:52,895 --> 01:03:56,565 All in good time, my little elusive friend. 1428 01:03:56,598 --> 01:04:00,336 And if you're ever wanting to see your diary again, 1429 01:04:00,369 --> 01:04:03,939 you'll be meeting me at Ripley's Odditorium 1430 01:04:03,972 --> 01:04:05,274 at high noon. 1431 01:04:05,307 --> 01:04:08,109 How do I know this isn't a crank call? 1432 01:04:08,143 --> 01:04:13,415 Have you been vacuuming under your couch lately? 1433 01:04:13,448 --> 01:04:15,151 [shuddering] 1434 01:04:26,395 --> 01:04:27,563 Excuse me. 1435 01:04:35,504 --> 01:04:36,906 [nervous chuckle] 1436 01:04:50,118 --> 01:04:52,288 Kyle: Psst. Hey. In here, 1437 01:04:52,321 --> 01:04:54,924 where we're less likely to be heard. 1438 01:04:56,024 --> 01:04:57,159 Oh. 1439 01:05:11,406 --> 01:05:15,244 Are you the lunatic who stole my diary? 1440 01:05:15,277 --> 01:05:18,648 You mean...this? 1441 01:05:20,182 --> 01:05:21,950 Yes. 1442 01:05:21,984 --> 01:05:26,020 Hey, you look kinda familiar. Do I know you? 1443 01:05:26,054 --> 01:05:27,323 No. 1444 01:05:28,657 --> 01:05:31,560 You didn't read the diary, did you? 1445 01:05:31,593 --> 01:05:35,029 Yes. I decoded it, 1446 01:05:35,063 --> 01:05:38,067 and I read every word. 1447 01:05:38,100 --> 01:05:40,502 Oh, I feel so naked. 1448 01:05:40,535 --> 01:05:43,672 And you know what? It didn't tell me diddly. 1449 01:05:43,705 --> 01:05:46,107 I know all about your happy childhood, 1450 01:05:46,141 --> 01:05:49,144 your countless jobs, your idiotic fantasies, 1451 01:05:49,177 --> 01:05:50,446 your stupid bath mat. 1452 01:05:50,479 --> 01:05:54,049 Stop! Stop! I can't hear anymore! 1453 01:05:54,082 --> 01:05:55,451 I know everything about you, Pat, 1454 01:05:55,484 --> 01:05:58,252 everything except the one thing I must know. 1455 01:05:58,286 --> 01:06:01,256 What else is there to know? 1456 01:06:01,289 --> 01:06:03,125 Take off your clothes. 1457 01:06:03,158 --> 01:06:06,428 What? You're nothing but a pervert. 1458 01:06:06,461 --> 01:06:08,229 Don't you see? 1459 01:06:08,263 --> 01:06:09,565 We were meant for each other. 1460 01:06:09,598 --> 01:06:11,033 We're like two complementary pieces 1461 01:06:11,066 --> 01:06:12,433 in the crazy jigsaw puzzle of love. 1462 01:06:12,467 --> 01:06:14,336 I just need to know how we fit together. 1463 01:06:14,369 --> 01:06:16,038 Ohh... 1464 01:06:16,071 --> 01:06:17,272 By uncovering the secret of you, 1465 01:06:17,305 --> 01:06:20,176 I uncover the secret of myself. 1466 01:06:22,277 --> 01:06:23,712 Kyle! 1467 01:06:23,745 --> 01:06:26,647 Now take off your clothes 1468 01:06:26,681 --> 01:06:30,686 if you ever want to see your diary alive again. 1469 01:06:30,719 --> 01:06:32,254 Ouggh. 1470 01:06:34,556 --> 01:06:36,559 No! 1471 01:06:47,169 --> 01:06:49,171 Where are you? 1472 01:06:49,204 --> 01:06:51,206 Pat! 1473 01:06:51,239 --> 01:06:54,543 Oh, Pat! Uh-oh! I see you. 1474 01:06:54,576 --> 01:06:57,246 Help! I'm being chased by a crazed doppelganger 1475 01:06:57,279 --> 01:06:59,148 who's reading my diary! 1476 01:06:59,181 --> 01:07:00,349 [laughing] 1477 01:07:00,382 --> 01:07:02,051 Ohh! 1478 01:07:06,288 --> 01:07:08,590 ♪ ...of your creator ♪ 1479 01:07:08,623 --> 01:07:11,560 ♪ Stare into the lion's eyes ♪ 1480 01:07:11,593 --> 01:07:14,229 ♪ And if you taste the candy ♪ 1481 01:07:14,262 --> 01:07:15,731 ♪ You'll get to the surprise ♪ 1482 01:07:15,764 --> 01:07:17,500 Kyle: Pat! 1483 01:07:21,169 --> 01:07:22,703 Hi. 1484 01:07:22,737 --> 01:07:24,173 Pat. 1485 01:07:25,574 --> 01:07:28,510 Don't run. You know you want me. 1486 01:07:28,543 --> 01:07:30,746 Surrender, my sweet. 1487 01:07:30,779 --> 01:07:32,248 [giggling] 1488 01:07:36,318 --> 01:07:39,755 Kyle, you just don't take a hint, do you? 1489 01:07:39,788 --> 01:07:42,491 Come to Papa, my little love dumpling. 1490 01:07:42,524 --> 01:07:45,259 Kyle, for the last time, you're not my type. 1491 01:07:45,293 --> 01:07:47,463 Don't-- Don't-- Don't say that, Pat. 1492 01:07:47,496 --> 01:07:49,531 Don't say that. 1493 01:07:49,564 --> 01:07:52,334 - We should be as one. - Ohh... 1494 01:07:52,367 --> 01:07:54,736 You and I. Huh? 1495 01:07:54,769 --> 01:07:56,671 - Kyle. - Pat. 1496 01:07:56,705 --> 01:07:58,540 Oh! Oh! Oh! 1497 01:07:58,573 --> 01:08:00,843 Oh, no! 1498 01:08:00,876 --> 01:08:03,145 - Pat! - Aah! 1499 01:08:03,178 --> 01:08:04,446 Help! 1500 01:08:06,348 --> 01:08:10,419 ♪ Don't get too close to my fantasy ♪ 1501 01:08:11,853 --> 01:08:13,789 ♪ Don't be afraid ♪ 1502 01:08:13,822 --> 01:08:17,126 ♪ To touch the hand of your creator ♪ 1503 01:08:17,158 --> 01:08:18,893 ♪ Stare into the lion's eyes ♪ 1504 01:08:18,926 --> 01:08:20,429 Hold on. 1505 01:08:20,462 --> 01:08:22,498 ♪ And if you taste the candy ♪ 1506 01:08:22,531 --> 01:08:25,568 ♪ You'll get to the surprise ♪ 1507 01:08:27,402 --> 01:08:32,508 ♪ Oh, don't get too close to my fantasy ♪ 1508 01:08:34,910 --> 01:08:36,412 [silence] 1509 01:08:40,682 --> 01:08:42,852 [chuckling] 1510 01:08:49,823 --> 01:08:51,460 [cheering] 1511 01:08:55,529 --> 01:08:57,465 Hey, buddy, what do you think you're doing out here? 1512 01:08:57,499 --> 01:09:00,402 No, no. Okay, I give up. Uncle, uncle, uncle. 1513 01:09:00,435 --> 01:09:02,838 Ahem. Then perhaps you could just tell me, 1514 01:09:02,871 --> 01:09:04,907 if that naked person is a man or a woman. 1515 01:09:04,939 --> 01:09:06,575 Show's over, weirdo. Come on. 1516 01:09:06,608 --> 01:09:07,776 No! 1517 01:09:11,712 --> 01:09:13,515 Pat! 1518 01:09:15,283 --> 01:09:16,452 Ohh... 1519 01:09:18,520 --> 01:09:21,390 Just one minute, Pat. We'll have this all stitched up. 1520 01:09:21,423 --> 01:09:23,291 Thank you. 1521 01:09:23,325 --> 01:09:25,794 Pat, can I tell you something? 1522 01:09:25,827 --> 01:09:29,331 We admire your persistence and your creativity, 1523 01:09:29,363 --> 01:09:30,698 but we meant it when we said 1524 01:09:30,732 --> 01:09:32,301 we only needed you for one show. 1525 01:09:32,334 --> 01:09:33,902 That's all right. 1526 01:09:33,935 --> 01:09:36,838 I'm tired of people looking at me. 1527 01:09:36,871 --> 01:09:39,274 I learned something about myself 1528 01:09:39,307 --> 01:09:40,908 when I was out there naked: 1529 01:09:40,942 --> 01:09:43,612 what it feels like to be naked 1530 01:09:43,645 --> 01:09:45,414 in front of lots of people. 1531 01:09:46,848 --> 01:09:48,817 I've had enough adulation. 1532 01:09:48,850 --> 01:09:51,320 I was happier when there was only one person 1533 01:09:51,353 --> 01:09:53,221 who stared at me when I was naked. 1534 01:09:55,624 --> 01:09:56,992 Oh, my God. 1535 01:09:57,025 --> 01:09:59,393 Chris. 1536 01:09:59,427 --> 01:10:00,763 Ohh! 1537 01:10:02,664 --> 01:10:05,867 Gladys Knight: ♪ I've had my share ♪ 1538 01:10:08,637 --> 01:10:11,607 ♪ Of life's ups and downs ♪ 1539 01:10:13,942 --> 01:10:16,512 ♪ But fate's been kind ♪ 1540 01:10:19,047 --> 01:10:25,620 ♪ The downs have been few ♪ 1541 01:10:25,654 --> 01:10:27,556 ♪ I guess you could say ♪ 1542 01:10:29,291 --> 01:10:32,828 ♪ That I've been lucky ♪ 1543 01:10:35,430 --> 01:10:38,000 ♪ Oh, I guess you could say ♪ 1544 01:10:39,934 --> 01:10:43,973 ♪ That it's all because of you ♪ 1545 01:10:46,007 --> 01:10:48,576 ♪ If anyone ♪ 1546 01:10:48,610 --> 01:10:50,812 ♪ Should ever write ♪ 1547 01:10:50,845 --> 01:10:53,649 ♪ My life story ♪ 1548 01:10:56,951 --> 01:10:58,654 Pips: ♪ For whatever ♪ 1549 01:10:58,687 --> 01:11:03,459 ♪ For whatever reason there might be ♪ 1550 01:11:05,794 --> 01:11:08,364 ♪ Ooh, you'd be there ♪ 1551 01:11:10,865 --> 01:11:15,271 ♪ Between each line of pain and glory ♪ 1552 01:11:17,372 --> 01:11:19,441 ♪ 'Cause you're the best thing ♪ 1553 01:11:19,474 --> 01:11:20,976 ♪ The best thing that ever happened ♪ 1554 01:11:21,009 --> 01:11:23,612 ♪ That ever happened to me ♪ 1555 01:11:23,645 --> 01:11:24,946 Chris! 1556 01:11:24,979 --> 01:11:26,648 ♪ ...that ever happened to me ♪ 1557 01:11:26,681 --> 01:11:28,450 Chris! 1558 01:11:28,483 --> 01:11:30,419 ♪ You're the best thing ♪ 1559 01:11:30,452 --> 01:11:31,787 Chris! 1560 01:11:31,820 --> 01:11:34,490 ♪ That ever happened to me ♪ 1561 01:11:38,026 --> 01:11:41,897 ♪ You're the best thing that ever happened to me ♪ 1562 01:11:41,930 --> 01:11:44,066 ♪ I know, you're the best... ♪ 1563 01:11:44,099 --> 01:11:45,567 Excuse me. Someone named Chris. 1564 01:11:45,600 --> 01:11:47,002 Chris! Chris! 1565 01:11:47,035 --> 01:11:48,704 To Paris? All right. 1566 01:11:48,737 --> 01:11:49,938 Excuse me? Have you seen Chris? 1567 01:11:49,971 --> 01:11:52,340 Have you seen Chris? Chris! 1568 01:11:53,608 --> 01:11:55,010 Pat. I-- 1569 01:11:55,043 --> 01:11:56,644 Hi. 1570 01:11:56,678 --> 01:11:58,513 Listen, I've been thinking about our relationship, 1571 01:11:58,546 --> 01:12:00,682 about everything we've gone through 1572 01:12:00,715 --> 01:12:03,051 and everything I said and how I behaved, 1573 01:12:03,084 --> 01:12:05,620 and I realized that 1574 01:12:05,653 --> 01:12:07,489 you need me! 1575 01:12:07,522 --> 01:12:10,058 I'm sorry, Pat. I have to go now. 1576 01:12:10,091 --> 01:12:11,660 But, Chris, I've had an epiphany 1577 01:12:11,693 --> 01:12:13,395 in front of thousands of people... 1578 01:12:13,428 --> 01:12:14,629 naked. 1579 01:12:14,662 --> 01:12:16,498 What? 1580 01:12:16,531 --> 01:12:19,901 I don't want fame and fortune. I want you. 1581 01:12:19,934 --> 01:12:21,704 You do, huh? 1582 01:12:22,904 --> 01:12:24,806 It's lonely at the top. 1583 01:12:24,839 --> 01:12:26,975 I miss having someone around 1584 01:12:27,008 --> 01:12:29,378 who loves dinner as much as I do. 1585 01:12:30,478 --> 01:12:31,680 And sunny days? 1586 01:12:31,713 --> 01:12:35,750 Chris, I'm really sorry. 1587 01:12:36,885 --> 01:12:38,787 Pat. 1588 01:12:38,820 --> 01:12:40,554 You've never said that before. 1589 01:12:40,588 --> 01:12:42,891 I just want to be your spouse. 1590 01:12:42,924 --> 01:12:45,560 I just want to be like a typical American. 1591 01:12:45,593 --> 01:12:47,763 I want to settle down and have a house 1592 01:12:47,796 --> 01:12:52,734 and 1.8 kids and lead a life of quiet desperation, 1593 01:12:52,767 --> 01:12:55,971 like these people here. 1594 01:12:56,004 --> 01:12:58,607 Come on, Chris, let's do it. 1595 01:12:58,640 --> 01:13:01,009 Oh, Pat. 1596 01:13:01,042 --> 01:13:02,444 Chris. 1597 01:13:12,053 --> 01:13:16,425 I guess my life is just one big romantic cliché: 1598 01:13:16,458 --> 01:13:18,559 boy meets girl, girl loses boy, 1599 01:13:18,593 --> 01:13:21,463 boy annoys girl, girl wants boy to act differently, 1600 01:13:21,496 --> 01:13:24,533 girl-- Well, you know, the same old story. 1601 01:13:24,566 --> 01:13:26,201 For richer or poorer. 1602 01:13:26,234 --> 01:13:28,136 For richer or poorer. 1603 01:13:28,169 --> 01:13:30,906 For as long as you both shall live. 1604 01:13:30,939 --> 01:13:33,175 You may kiss each other. 1605 01:13:36,511 --> 01:13:38,914 [cheering, applause] 1606 01:13:45,019 --> 01:13:47,722 Plato once said that the unexamined life 1607 01:13:47,755 --> 01:13:50,559 is not worth living. Well, I agree. 1608 01:13:50,592 --> 01:13:53,795 It wasn't until I took a long, hard look at my own life 1609 01:13:53,828 --> 01:13:55,997 that I realized what I really am: 1610 01:13:56,030 --> 01:13:57,666 I'm me! 1611 01:13:57,699 --> 01:13:59,500 It's not what you do that matters. 1612 01:13:59,534 --> 01:14:01,036 It's who you are. 1613 01:14:01,069 --> 01:14:03,805 And only then did I discover the truth. 1614 01:14:03,838 --> 01:14:05,173 Chris is my other half, 1615 01:14:05,206 --> 01:14:07,175 and together we make a whole. 1616 01:14:07,208 --> 01:14:10,077 I finally found a yin to go with my yang. 1617 01:14:10,111 --> 01:14:12,914 Or is that yang to go with my yin? 1618 01:14:12,947 --> 01:14:16,218 Well, in any case, I'm so lucky to be me. 1619 01:14:16,251 --> 01:14:17,586 [chuckling] 1620 01:14:22,557 --> 01:14:24,059 Hi, this is Kathy Griffin, 1621 01:14:24,092 --> 01:14:26,126 and yes, I'm back on "Love Chat." 1622 01:14:26,160 --> 01:14:27,696 my guest today is Kyle, 1623 01:14:27,729 --> 01:14:30,065 who's gone through some love changes recently. 1624 01:14:30,098 --> 01:14:33,101 Now, Kyle, you are a transvestite, is that correct? 1625 01:14:33,134 --> 01:14:36,738 Well, um, Kathy, I'm dressed as a woman at the moment, 1626 01:14:36,771 --> 01:14:39,206 but I also like to dress like a man 1627 01:14:39,240 --> 01:14:40,842 sometimes. 1628 01:14:40,875 --> 01:14:43,678 Okay, well, do your sexual fantasies change, 1629 01:14:43,711 --> 01:14:45,580 depending on how you're dressed? 1630 01:14:45,613 --> 01:14:49,651 No. No, no, I always fantasize about the same... 1631 01:14:49,684 --> 01:14:51,686 person. 1632 01:14:51,719 --> 01:14:53,188 ♪ [piano] 1633 01:14:53,221 --> 01:14:55,757 ♪ A lot of people say "What's that?" 1634 01:14:55,790 --> 01:14:57,192 ♪ It's Pat ♪ 1635 01:14:57,225 --> 01:14:59,027 ♪ Ma'am or a sir ♪ 1636 01:14:59,060 --> 01:15:00,695 ♪ Accept him or her ♪ 1637 01:15:00,728 --> 01:15:03,565 ♪ For whatever it might be ♪ 1638 01:15:03,598 --> 01:15:06,001 ♪ It's time for androgyny ♪ 1639 01:15:06,034 --> 01:15:07,870 ♪ Here comes Pat ♪ 28326