Original subtitles

- Hey, what do you say we both jump in and not look back?

- Debby, I have a cat at home.

- Fair enough.

You know, before I let you go,

I wouldn't feel right if I didn't mention

our expanded security extended warranty one more time.

- You know what? Let's do it.

- Great! I'll update the agreement and email you.

- Hey, Debby, have you seen that 2020 blue Scimitar--

- I'm with a customer.

Why don't you check the lot, Vicky?

- Good--yeah--good--thank you. Okay.

- I mean, if she doesn't know where it is, why would I?

You're gonna love that Sun Gem,

and I hope you enjoyed your experience with me.

Would you say it was a five out of five stars?

- Um, yeah. Yes.

- Great! I'd consider anything less a failure,

and so would Jupiter.

You might be contacted to participate in a survey.

It'd mean the world to me if you gave me five out of five.

- Great. Well, thanks for the help.

- You bet.

Don't forget, five out of five.

- Got it.

- Good.

[cell phone ringing]

- Hello? - Hi, Jacob.

Congratulations on your new Jupiter Sun Gem.

We'd love you to take a brief survey about your experience--

- [gasps]

[tires screech]

- Sorry. Forgot to give this to you.

It's a paper copy of the survey

in case you're an old-fashioned kind of guy.

- Yes. Thank you, Debby. Bye.

[sighs]

- Five out of five!

[suspenseful music]

Five out of five.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- Can you believe it's only been six months

since your last performance review?

Wow. Where to begin?

I guess, let's start at the top.

Your hair is disgusting. Everybody can tell

you're using shampoo-conditioner combo.

Moving down the skull, you're starting to get

bags under your eyes like Jake,

and it's making harder to tell you apart.

- On a positive note, you are not a fraud,

but that's only because you failed to fool anyone

into thinking you are remotely competent.

[cell phone buzzing] On a negative note,

you're an absolute fool.

And you're checking your phone in the middle

of a performance review.

- Your knees are knobby as all hell,

just two big, horrifying knobs.

I'd turn them, but I'm afraid what lurks behind those doors.

I'll skip your splinty shins for now,

but we both know your toes are weird,

and last but not least,

we know from our screen monitoring program

you've been watching movies at work.

And you have terrible taste.

In summation, your job is hanging by a thread,

and you're living in a scissors factory.

- Well, John, some of those adjectives

will haunt me for the rest of my life.

- Right. - You clearly put

a lot of thought into that, so...

good job.

[dramatic music]

- Sorry, you're telling me that I did a good job

on your performance review?

♪ ♪

- Yeah?

- Great.

Thank you, Matt.

I did do a good job.

[both laughing]

And hey, all that stuff about your job

hanging by a thread, you know I'm just

trying to motivate you, right?

I mean, if the lion tamer doesn't crack the whip,

the lions start thinking he doesn't have a whip.

You catch my drift? I don't know if you've ever

seen lions turn on their master,

but there's a reason that I stopped watching lion videos.

- That's a really effective analogy, John.

Good job.

- Great.

- "Hi, Jacob, it's been three days

"since you purchased your Sun Gem,

"and Jupiter hasn't received your survey results yet.

"As you know, anything less than a five

is seen as failure."

- Why don't you just fill out the survey?

It'll take ten seconds.

- Every day, there's some new bullshit

for me to rate and review. It's driving me insane.

- I feel guilty if I don't give everyone positive feedback.

I give all my Lyft drivers five stars,

even the racist ones.

- Knock, knock. Hey, Matt,

I remember that you've got a sharp eye for graphic design,

so I was wondering what you think of the font

on the heading here. Let's get you down here, buddy.

- Um, looks fine.

- [mutters]

Just fine? Or...

- Um, I mean, it looks great.

Good job, John.

- [exhales] Great.

Oh. Having trouble deciding what you're gonna watch?

- No, I wasn't-- - Easy answer.

The doc about those Thai boys

who got stuck in that evil cave.

I rated it a must-see.

You do remember the Thai boys, don't you, Matt?

Oh, dear Christ, you haven't forgotten the Thai boys?

- Oh, no, yeah, I remember reading about those guys.

Um, I just don't have a cable login, so--

- Well, no one does, Matt.

Well, except my wife's grandfather.

He died, but his cable subscription lives on.

Nice little windfall for the wife and me.

I'll give you the password. Go ahead, write this down.

Jake, earmuffs.

The password is "JakeEarmuffs."

- Oh. - Yeah.

Jake, what are you doing with your hands?

It's not winter.

- They told me I was shy in my performance review.

You know the synonyms for shy? I looked them up.

Meek, reticent, sheepish, mousy.

How can I be a sheep and a mouse?

- You aren't shy. Someone calls you shy,

it just means they don't know anything about you.

It's like when someone gives you a candle as a gift.

- Yeah.

- Didn't you get me a candle for my birthday?

- Yeah, but that's because you're a sheepish candle mouse.

[tablet beeps]

[dramatic tone]

No. You don't get to know how I feel about you.

- Sorry about him.

I think you're doing a good job.

- Whoa, no, you don't. This is on me.

- Oh, thanks, John.

- Let's do a working lunch.

- Okay.

- At this point, I wouldn't be surprised

if Debby showed up at my house with a gun.

- That's why I use a fake address

when I buy literally everything.

- Doesn't that make it hard to get deliveries?

- Yeah.

It's ruining my life.

[dramatic tone]

- Uh-oh. I haven't said a word in ten minutes.

No one seems to have noticed. Of course, they haven't.

They think I'm shy, and I'm sitting here

giving them mountains of evidence.

If only I could find an in.

- What about you, Grace?

- Um...I--

- Oh, did I tell you guys about the survey

I had to do about a survey?

- No.

- Here likes Grace, who was shy.

No, no, that's too much for me.

Mine will be an unmarked grave.

- All right, one more.

Go ahead and give me your worst.

I really shit the bed on this.

- No, John, I think you did a good job.

- [exhales]

I didn't shit the bed.

- Good job, John.

- Great.

Okay, three-pointer.

[sighs] Damn it.

Okay, recalibrate.

Open wider.

- Ah!

- Let me get pitcher's stance on this.

You gotta call the pitch, Matt.

Uh-uh. I want to toss something funky.

I'm Randy Johnson, and you're that poor bird.

[dramatic music]

- [grunts]

[telephone ringing]

[suspenseful music]

- Hello? - Hello, Jacob,

and congratulations on your new Jupiter Sun Gem.

We'd love to get your feedback on your experience.

[phone beeps] - Hi, Jacob.

It's your pal Debby Deberson,

just checking in about that survey.

[phone beeps] - Hello, Jacob,

and congratulations on your new Jupiter Sun Gem.

[phone beeps] - Hi, Jacob.

[overlapping chatter]

Guess who? It's Debby.

Don't make me beg for a five out of five.

[overlapping chatter] [cell phone ringing]

[soft music]

♪ ♪

[dramatic music]

- [distorted] Hi, Jacob.

- What are you doing at my house?

- It's been a week. You still haven't

filled out that survey.

I was worried something happened to you.

But, you know, luckily I had your address in the paperwork.

You know, I really need that five out of five.

- You want me to take the survey, Debby?

Fine. I'll take the survey.

- Thank you.

- "On a scale of one to five,

how would you rate your overall customer experience?"

Mmm...

[dramatic tone]

Four. [dramatic sting]

"On a scale of one to five,

"how likely are you to purchase or lease a car

from us in the future?"

I would say four.

- [gasps] Jacob, don't do this.

- "On a scale of one to five,

how would you rate your salesperson Debby Deberson?"

Oh, God, another tough one.

Maybe four out of five, and submit.

- [retches]

- Whoa. Are you okay?

- Do you understand what you've done?

- I just gave you four stars. That's a solid B-minus.

- You just put a target on my back,

and my front!

You have no idea what these people are capable of!

I should give you one star as a person, you bitch!

[cries]

- Too bad there isn't a survey for that.

It's been two days, and so far,

no emails, no calls, and no texts.

After she left, I burned all the surveys

they mailed me on my stove.

Was it a little? Yes.

And that's why it felt so good.

- I don't know.

Four out of five is pretty harsh.

You might as well have given her a one.

- Hey, Jake, you seen Matt?

- I haven't. Sorry.

- Hold on.

I'd recognize that knobby knee anywhere.

Matt!

Look at you, holed up down here

like a little Thai boy.

You sure have grown since you went in the cave.

[laughs] Come on.

You did watch the doc, right?

- Yes, John, and good job on the recommendation.

So what do you need?

- Well, since you loved those Thai boys so much,

what do you think of this boy's tie?

- I really have a lot of work to do, John.

- That can wait.

Tell me what you think.

Honest feedback.

- You know what? I don't like it.

You look like Mr. Peanut, even more than usual.

This time, you did a bad job.

[dramatic music]

- Great.

[melancholy music]

♪ ♪

- I'm proud of you, Matt.

You just gave John a four out of five.

[inspiring music]

- This is it, easy win for Gracedog.

All I have to do is tell him "goodnight."

A shy person wouldn't do that, but I will,

'cause I'm not a shy mouse.

I'm a bull, a big, proud bull

with a big, fat mouth and a golden nose ring.

Here we go!

[telephone ringing] Good...

night. - Security.

- You think I was too hard on John?

I did really like that Thai boys doc.

I watched it twice.

- Mr. Engelbertson?

Phone call.

[dramatic music]

- Hello? - Matt, I need to see you

in my office immediately.

[line clicks] [dial tone]

[cell phone buzzes]

- Are you fucking kidding me?

- I'll talk to you tomorrow. John wants to see me.

- Hi, Jacob. - I already took

the damn survey.

- Oh, we received your survey.

Your feedback was very helpful.

I'm calling to let you know

that we've dealt with the situation.

- Oh. What does that mean?

- Customer satisfaction

is our number one priority.

That's why you can rest assured

that Debby Deberson

will never sell another Sun Gem...

ever again.

- Wow. All right.

Nice to know the system works, I guess.

- Thank you for your time.

[dial tone]

- Hey, John, about earlier,

I was too hard on your bowtie.

- No, Matt.

You were right.

I got cocky,

and tried to pull off a bold new look.

And I made an ass of myself.

I was a very bad, bad, stupid boy.

[dramatic tone]

And you helped me see that.

So I made a big change

that's gonna help the both of us.

This is your new desk.

You're a harsh mistress, Matt.

Well, technically a Matt-tress.

A firm mattress.

And I need you to straighten me out

because I don't trust my chiropractor,

that fucking crook.

[joints crackling]

[exhales]

- John, I'm at a loss for words.

- Great.

We're staying late tonight.

We're gonna be holed up here like those Thai boys,

except this time,

there will be no meddling Navy SEAL here to rescue us.

Take a seat.

- Debby, what did you do to Jacob?

- Nothing! - He gave you a four.

- Four out of five is a solid B-minus.

- It might as well have been a one,

and you know that.

- Please! Give me another chance!

[shotgun clicks] - This is for Jacob.

- No! [shotgun blast]

- Debby's not dead. Just being paranoid.

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

[loud crash]

- Jacob Levinson?

Agent Roman, FBI.

Did you purchase a Sun Gem from that woman?

[dramatic sting]

[camera clicks]

[dramatic music]

- Aren't there usually just two agents?

- That's actually a very hurtful stereotype.

- You may not realize it,

but what you just said is racist.

- Whatever this is, it must be pretty serious

for five FBI agents to show up.

- I'm sorry I'm late.

- Jacob, you purchased your car from Debby Deberson.

Is that correct? - Yes.

- And overall, how would you rate

your car-buying experience?

- Okay, what the hell is going on?

Do you guys work for Jupiter?

- Jacob, Debby Deberson is missing.

[eerie music]

- When did you last see her?

- A few days ago. She came to my house.

- So she was here.

- Yeah, she kept harassing me

to take some stupid survey,

I gave her four out of five, and then she left.

- Jesus Christ, you must've really hated this lady.

- What did she do to you?

- Four out of five is a solid B-minus.

- It's our understanding that anything less than a five

might as well be a one.

- You guys don't think she's dead, do you?

- On the record, we don't know.

Off the record...

[recorder clicks] [eerie music stops]

- We still really aren't sure.

[dramatic music]

- So now I'm worried

that Jupiter killed her or something.

That's crazy, right? I mean,

there's plenty of reasons the FBI could be involved.

I mean, maybe she's secretly

a criminal mastermind or something.

- Say something, Grace.

Contribute to the conversation.

- What do you guys think?

- I think she's dead.

And it's because of you.

I broke the seal! Now keep those lips flapping.

A four out of five is a death sentence.

There's dead Debby blood

all over your hideous, hairy hands.

You're killing it, Grace!

Bonus points for alliteration.

- I don't know about that. - Yeah, I'm sure

there's a perfectly reasonable explanation.

- Tell that to Debby.

Oh, wait. You can't.

Because she's dead.

Jupiter did what they had to do.

Jake just gave them the push.

You were born to shine.

[triumphant music]

- So anybody watch that Thai boys doc?

- Hey, Kate?

John thinks I'm in the bathroom,

so I don't have much time.

You know him pretty well, right?

- Well, we've worked side by side for 19 years,

so...no.

I've done everything in my power

to avoid getting to know John.

Do you think I haven't noticed what's been going on?

[laughs] This is the freest

I have felt in years!

John is finally leaving me alone.

He's got you now.

Today, I read an article at lunch,

a full article. [laughs]

- How do I make it stop?

- Oh, that's easy.

Just go back in time, steal him from his crib,

undo all the repressed trauma from his childhood.

Or...

you can poison him.

But I'd suggest doing that

over the course of a few years.

That's what the article I read says.

- They got it to their sharpshooter.

Top of the key.

Pump fake, pump fake. Got him up.

Oh. Oh!

Nothing but net.

You see that, Matt?

- No, I didn't.

- Well, pay attention.

- Thought you wanted my eyes on these.

- That's why God blessed you with two eyes, Matt.

Right?

Look.

Through the zone. Get off me!

Iso, iso. Crowd roars.

Johnny Stockton!

[grunts]

Little help, Matt?

[groans]

Come on.

[exhales] Come on, John.

There we go.

Yep. Come on.

Top of the key. Olympics.

It's the Olympics now.

- Just go back in time,

and undo all the repressed trauma from his childhood.

- They got him. This is for your country.

And for myself.

Oh! Oh!

Did you see that one, Matt?

- I did, John.

You did a good job making that basket.

You're a good boy.

And a great boss.

And you know what else, John?

I love you.

- I'm sorry.

What was that?

- I love you, buddy.

And I'm so proud of you.

[dramatic music]

- God damn it, Matt.

There's a line, and as usual,

you use those long, repulsive legs

to leap right over it.

I'm your boss, for Christ sake!

I'll say who loves who around here!

And the only thing that I love

is professionalism in the workplace!

So get the fuck out!

And you can forget about re-watching that Thai boys doc!

Because I'm changing the password to Boundaries123!

Oh, damn it. Now he knows the new one.

- You'd be surprised by how many cars

crash into mailboxes,

right up there with fire hydrants and outdoor weddings.

Fortunately, you're covered for all the damages.

You were smart to get that extended warranty.

- I wasn't going to,

but then Debby talked me into it.

[eerie music]

You know Debby, right?

♪ ♪

- Yes, I knew Debby.

- Do you know what happened to her?

- The company really doesn't want us to talk about it.

- Why not? What happened?

- I'm sorry, Jacob. I really can't say.

But have I answered all your questions today?

- No, you clearly haven't.

- Well, that's very unfortunate

because customer satisfaction is our number one priority,

and the thing is, you're gonna receive

a survey about your-- - This is for Jacob.

- No! [gunshots]

- And anything less than a five is--

- Five out of five!

You get a five out of five.

Five out of five!

I'm completely satisfied with my experience,

and I want everyone to know!

Five out of five. Five out of five.

Five out of five. Five out of five.

Five out of five!

[dramatic music]

- Debby Deberson. Wow!

It was not easy tracking you down.

It's quite a game you were running,

masquerading as the five-star employee,

the person on the inside

funneling cars to a ring of thieves.

- At last, we've caught the queen of car lot larceny.

Want to know how we finally did it?

- It was Jacob's four-star review, wasn't it?

- No.

Actually, it was...

just one star.

This was a blue 2020 Jupiter Scimitar

that we recovered from a boat headed to Venezuela.

And from there, we just put all the pieces together.

- Hey, Agent Roman?

- Yeah?

- Good job.

- Oh.

[laughs]

[gunshots]

- Five out of five.

- Sorry I'm late. [gunshot]

[groans]

- Make that six out of five.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[dramatic distorted music]

♪ ♪