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Previously on "You Me Her"...
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You're still here. Why?
3
00:00:03,280 --> 00:00:04,579
Maybe we can help each other.
4
00:00:04,580 --> 00:00:06,999
We have also been dipping our toe
5
00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:08,589
- in the dating pool.
- Yeah.
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Let's take a moment to thank the Lord
7
00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:11,095
for bringing us together.
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It was an app.
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00:00:12,300 --> 00:00:14,929
I'm working at a place called
Groundwork, for at-risk teens.
10
00:00:14,930 --> 00:00:16,304
- She's like a clone.
- I know.
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I love the hell out of that woman,
12
00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:20,225
so I'm gonna need you
to stop being an asshole.
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00:00:20,226 --> 00:00:22,279
Word on the street is
you've been looking
14
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- at a lot of pricy houses lately.
- What is it you want from us?
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It's not what you can do for me, David.
16
00:00:27,025 --> 00:00:28,529
We should probably get our key back.
17
00:00:28,530 --> 00:00:30,539
Right. Yeah. Of course.
18
00:00:30,540 --> 00:00:33,279
- Did you just walk in?
- Sorry, is...
19
00:00:33,280 --> 00:00:35,989
- Hello?
- She's way too pretty for you.
20
00:00:35,990 --> 00:00:38,453
- Are you jealous?
- Just, like, totally alone in the universe.
21
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I was gonna ask for my key back.
22
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I'm getting that a lot lately.
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- [SNORING SOFTLY]
- Girl gotta go.
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- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
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- Hey, Peanut.
- Hi.
26
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You're my last key.
27
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Oh...
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Jesus.
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First rule of personal space.
30
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If our retinas are scraping,
you're too close.
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I know, but you two are just so cute.
32
00:01:20,370 --> 00:01:23,459
- Do you think that maybe...
- For as long as you need,
33
00:01:23,460 --> 00:01:25,628
and then I wish it was longer.
34
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Thank you.
35
00:01:32,320 --> 00:01:34,039
We're gonna have so much fun.
36
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[GIGGLING]
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- It's contagious.
- I'll start zinc loading.
38
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[CHUCKLING]
39
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After you.
40
00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:50,640
I did it. Yay, me.
41
00:01:50,650 --> 00:01:52,259
- They're asleep?
- Yeah.
42
00:01:52,260 --> 00:01:54,219
- How?
- I played dead.
43
00:01:54,220 --> 00:01:57,199
They got my face and plucked
my eyelashes till they passed out.
44
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- It is a highly edible face.
- [LAUGHS] Oh.
45
00:02:01,480 --> 00:02:03,899
Are you tired? I am so tired.
46
00:02:03,900 --> 00:02:05,569
- Catching a wave.
- Oh, God.
47
00:02:05,570 --> 00:02:07,910
Here. [LAUGHING]
48
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Okay.
49
00:02:15,270 --> 00:02:16,886
- I'm ready.
- Me too.
50
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- Climb aboard.
- Get on.
51
00:02:18,222 --> 00:02:19,539
What?
52
00:02:19,540 --> 00:02:22,349
- I need you to...
- No, you... I am not getting on top.
53
00:02:22,350 --> 00:02:23,460
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
54
00:02:23,470 --> 00:02:25,604
- I can't do any of the work.
- I'm always on top.
55
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[EXHALES, MURMURING]
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00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:31,959
- What are you doing?
- I'm praying to God
57
00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:36,429
that he might fill our libidos
with his lustful light.
58
00:02:36,430 --> 00:02:39,340
Who knew recreational
polyamory was so hard?
59
00:02:39,350 --> 00:02:40,859
What were we trying to prove?
60
00:02:40,860 --> 00:02:45,139
Something about not resorting
back to our routine, right?
61
00:02:45,140 --> 00:02:46,439
- Right.
- Yeah.
62
00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:49,829
And I'm sure it's entirely
coincidental that...
63
00:02:49,830 --> 00:02:51,479
[DISTANT GURGLING]
64
00:02:51,480 --> 00:02:53,959
Is that Rose's urination gurgle?
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00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:55,619
- Ohh...
- Here we go.
66
00:02:55,620 --> 00:02:57,789
Three. Two. One.
67
00:02:57,790 --> 00:02:59,739
- [BABY CRYING]
- And there it is.
68
00:02:59,740 --> 00:03:02,059
Okay. I understand how no human
69
00:03:02,060 --> 00:03:04,840
truly enjoys marinating in
their own urine, but...
70
00:03:04,850 --> 00:03:07,019
But Rose seems especially
indignant about it, right?
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00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:08,396
- I know.
- Like she's above it.
72
00:03:08,397 --> 00:03:10,229
Yeah, like pretty haughty, for a baby.
73
00:03:10,230 --> 00:03:13,940
What were you gonna
say, before the gurgle?
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00:03:13,950 --> 00:03:17,479
I just, like... what if the
space we created for Izzy
75
00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:19,658
never gets filled?
76
00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:22,199
Then we'll fill it.
77
00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:24,009
Me and you.
78
00:03:24,010 --> 00:03:25,660
- Yeah.
- Yes.
79
00:03:27,660 --> 00:03:29,999
We don't have to go back into our box
80
00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:33,819
just because Izzy's gone, right?
81
00:03:33,820 --> 00:03:36,799
I'm gonna go put Rose to sleep,
and then I'm gonna come back,
82
00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:39,019
and we're gonna power nap
with coma-like intensity.
83
00:03:39,020 --> 00:03:40,339
And then when we wake up
84
00:03:40,340 --> 00:03:42,899
we're gonna do something
fucking spontaneous.
85
00:03:42,900 --> 00:03:44,699
Like order Indian in
the middle of the day
86
00:03:44,700 --> 00:03:47,474
like total weirdoes... that
is such a weird thing to do.
87
00:03:47,475 --> 00:03:49,139
Well, I was thinking something more,
88
00:03:49,140 --> 00:03:51,769
you know, like this.
89
00:03:51,770 --> 00:03:54,559
- Yeah? Like what?
- A spontaneous dance.
90
00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:56,699
That is... that is special.
91
00:03:56,700 --> 00:03:58,321
Yeah, I know. Pop, two...
92
00:03:58,322 --> 00:03:59,947
Three. Boom.
93
00:03:59,948 --> 00:04:02,199
It's not choreographed.
94
00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:04,989
I'm just making it up,
on the spot. What?
95
00:04:04,990 --> 00:04:06,489
You're such a dork.
96
00:04:06,490 --> 00:04:07,519
There's more where that came from.
97
00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:09,749
- Wait there.
- Oh, good, I can't wait.
98
00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:11,619
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
99
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♪ ♪
100
00:04:15,040 --> 00:04:18,300
Okay. Activate focus. I need you.
101
00:04:19,420 --> 00:04:21,499
Oh, not big on your
delivery, but I'm down.
102
00:04:21,500 --> 00:04:22,940
No, no.
103
00:04:22,950 --> 00:04:25,499
Look, so far, Coach Ding-Dong's
career aptitude test
104
00:04:25,500 --> 00:04:28,602
has given me one panic attack
and two anxiety poops.
105
00:04:28,603 --> 00:04:31,620
Aw. Hey, for future reference,
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00:04:31,630 --> 00:04:33,679
you don't have to palm my face,
if you're gonna say that.
107
00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:36,479
My entire future hinges on
the outcome of this test.
108
00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:38,468
I deeply and sincerely hope
you don't actually believe that.
109
00:04:38,470 --> 00:04:40,659
I'm a team player, right? So ten?
110
00:04:40,660 --> 00:04:42,899
Yeah. I'm gonna say ten.
111
00:04:42,900 --> 00:04:46,229
Hey, speaking of teamwork,
here's a questionable segue.
112
00:04:46,230 --> 00:04:49,439
I was hoping we could discuss
our living arrangement,
113
00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:50,958
because it feels to me
that you and I are...
114
00:04:50,959 --> 00:04:53,869
Good listener, right? Yeah, slam dunk.
115
00:04:53,870 --> 00:04:55,339
Ten! Pshhhhh!
116
00:04:55,340 --> 00:04:57,209
Yeah. How many times
have you taken this test?
117
00:04:57,210 --> 00:05:01,709
42. It lands on dominatrix
or vice principal every time.
118
00:05:01,710 --> 00:05:03,679
It seriously says dominatrix in there?
119
00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:05,679
No. I'm making a point.
120
00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:08,249
It's just my defining qualities
seem to line up perfectly
121
00:05:08,250 --> 00:05:10,561
with brutal, iron-fisted dictator.
122
00:05:10,570 --> 00:05:14,619
Huh. Well, it seems to me
that the test reflects
123
00:05:14,620 --> 00:05:16,543
what you choose to show.
It's not judging you.
124
00:05:16,544 --> 00:05:18,649
You're judging you. [SLURPING]
125
00:05:18,650 --> 00:05:21,899
Well, jeez, when you
say stuff that smart,
126
00:05:21,900 --> 00:05:24,181
it makes me wonder what you're
up to the rest of the time.
127
00:05:26,900 --> 00:05:28,010
There we go.
128
00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:32,340
It really meant a lot to me
when you kicked Izzy out,
129
00:05:32,350 --> 00:05:35,379
and it got me thinking maybe...
130
00:05:35,380 --> 00:05:37,629
maybe we should start
splitting the rent.
131
00:05:37,630 --> 00:05:39,979
No. No. Don't be silly, okay?
132
00:05:39,980 --> 00:05:42,673
- You don't have to do that.
- No, no, it matters to me.
133
00:05:42,674 --> 00:05:45,304
I mean, it would mean
that you and I are adults.
134
00:05:45,305 --> 00:05:48,959
"Emotionally intuitive."
Dude, that's my jam.
135
00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:50,559
Shit. It only goes to ten.
136
00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:52,849
Shit.
137
00:05:52,850 --> 00:05:55,022
Okay. What's that face?
138
00:05:56,320 --> 00:05:58,679
Just... No, I just...
139
00:05:58,680 --> 00:06:01,269
No, I think it's best
if I go for a walk.
140
00:06:01,270 --> 00:06:02,946
Get some air.
141
00:06:04,950 --> 00:06:07,743
[WHISPERS] Oh, shit.
142
00:06:16,100 --> 00:06:20,019
What are you so happy about,
you furry little butthole?
143
00:06:20,020 --> 00:06:22,633
The butthole's name is Abigail.
144
00:06:24,530 --> 00:06:26,760
Abigail McButthole.
145
00:06:26,770 --> 00:06:28,820
Your dad's been helping me with him.
146
00:06:28,830 --> 00:06:30,807
Can you believe that?
147
00:06:31,540 --> 00:06:34,119
He's become quite the seamstress,
148
00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:35,853
or is it seamster?
149
00:06:35,854 --> 00:06:37,940
- Would it be called seamster?
- Wait.
150
00:06:37,950 --> 00:06:40,209
My father sews. I just...
151
00:06:40,210 --> 00:06:41,980
I need a second with that.
152
00:06:44,220 --> 00:06:47,549
Okay, okay. Go on.
153
00:06:47,550 --> 00:06:50,739
You were asleep.
I was gonna cover you up.
154
00:06:50,740 --> 00:06:52,479
I guess I do this now.
155
00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:55,080
I just fell asleep without knowing it.
156
00:06:55,090 --> 00:06:58,543
I may not be transforming,
but I'm definitely aging.
157
00:06:58,550 --> 00:07:01,489
Izzy...
158
00:07:01,490 --> 00:07:04,299
I want to be a part of your solution,
159
00:07:04,300 --> 00:07:07,360
not another thing that stresses you out.
160
00:07:11,220 --> 00:07:12,640
Okay.
161
00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:17,809
This whole thing...
162
00:07:17,810 --> 00:07:20,200
it feels less like a marriage
163
00:07:20,210 --> 00:07:24,679
and more like you're just absorbing him.
164
00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:27,179
Or we could cut straight
to your grievances.
165
00:07:27,180 --> 00:07:28,689
Sorry.
166
00:07:28,690 --> 00:07:31,019
Don't be.
167
00:07:31,020 --> 00:07:33,327
That's pretty accurate, actually.
168
00:07:33,328 --> 00:07:35,414
I mean, you can
bullshit me a little bit.
169
00:07:35,415 --> 00:07:37,479
[LAUGHS]
170
00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:40,499
I had a world he could walk into.
171
00:07:40,500 --> 00:07:43,439
He had you and a studio apartment
172
00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:46,479
that smelled like dirty laundry
and Calvin Klein's Obsession.
173
00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:49,094
- This is true.
- And while you were gone,
174
00:07:49,095 --> 00:07:53,279
he did walk into my world,
175
00:07:53,280 --> 00:07:57,079
but the thing is, that
world's gonna change
176
00:07:57,080 --> 00:07:59,599
because of him and you.
177
00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:02,300
It's gonna become our world.
178
00:08:04,620 --> 00:08:07,980
Take a minute. Wash it around.
179
00:08:08,970 --> 00:08:10,860
You love my dad.
180
00:08:10,866 --> 00:08:12,940
So fucking much.
181
00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:16,420
[PHONE BUZZES]
182
00:08:17,998 --> 00:08:20,699
[BUZZING]
183
00:08:20,700 --> 00:08:22,769
[CONTINUES BUZZING]
184
00:08:22,770 --> 00:08:25,509
It's really nice.
185
00:08:25,510 --> 00:08:27,591
You're gonna give yourself an aneurysm.
186
00:08:27,592 --> 00:08:30,680
Sorry. I just... I'm
waiting for this message.
187
00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:38,268
What's wrong?
188
00:08:39,360 --> 00:08:42,159
Never fall in love with a
six-year-old asylum seeker.
189
00:08:42,160 --> 00:08:44,729
They'll get lost in the system
and break your heart.
190
00:08:44,730 --> 00:08:46,579
- Tell me about him.
- No. We don't...
191
00:08:46,580 --> 00:08:48,111
Come on, tell me.
192
00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:54,540
His name is Leo, and he's very sweet.
193
00:08:55,900 --> 00:08:59,659
All he did was make fun of my
attempts speaking Spanish,
194
00:08:59,660 --> 00:09:02,939
and my clothes and my dance moves.
195
00:09:02,940 --> 00:09:04,639
Before I knew what was happening,
196
00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:06,119
the little weirdo dug in deep,
197
00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:09,019
and he was supposed to get transferred
198
00:09:09,020 --> 00:09:12,709
to a smaller group home
with kids his own age,
199
00:09:12,710 --> 00:09:17,099
and it's hard because I promised
that I'd keep him safe,
200
00:09:17,100 --> 00:09:20,259
and now I don't know...
I don't know what happened,
201
00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:24,272
and he's just... he's lost,
and... I'm sorry.
202
00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:27,920
You'll find him. You will.
203
00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:30,362
Come here.
204
00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:39,179
You know what?
You have a lot on your mind,
205
00:09:39,180 --> 00:09:41,449
and I can find a wedding
dress on my own.
206
00:09:41,450 --> 00:09:42,849
- Just...
- No, no, no, I have to go,
207
00:09:42,850 --> 00:09:44,659
because this world does not need
208
00:09:44,660 --> 00:09:46,750
another white woman in a sarong.
209
00:09:46,753 --> 00:09:48,400
Oh, thank God.
210
00:09:51,500 --> 00:09:53,218
Thank you.
211
00:10:01,780 --> 00:10:03,895
- [LOUD SNORE]
- Jesus! Oh, my God.
212
00:10:05,140 --> 00:10:06,398
Did we just have sex?
213
00:10:06,399 --> 00:10:09,779
I don't know. Maybe?
Uh, I don't think so.
214
00:10:09,780 --> 00:10:11,409
What's the last thing you remember?
215
00:10:11,410 --> 00:10:13,155
You crawling into the nursery.
216
00:10:14,660 --> 00:10:18,840
Prepare thine self, wife person,
217
00:10:18,850 --> 00:10:21,299
for I am about to do the sex onto you.
218
00:10:21,300 --> 00:10:23,582
- Okay.
- Just give me a minute.
219
00:10:28,340 --> 00:10:31,359
Do you remember last
month when Lala offered
220
00:10:31,360 --> 00:10:32,999
to watch the girls for an overnight?
221
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:34,959
Yeah. We wouldn't have
survived without them.
222
00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:35,969
Who saw that coming?
223
00:10:35,970 --> 00:10:39,299
Well, she doubled down
on it just yesterday.
224
00:10:39,300 --> 00:10:40,509
Hmm?
225
00:10:40,510 --> 00:10:42,519
Idea.
226
00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:44,389
We escape to a hotel.
227
00:10:44,390 --> 00:10:47,640
Eliminate all and any pressure
to have the kind of circus sex
228
00:10:47,650 --> 00:10:49,519
that makes up for months of lateness.
229
00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:51,300
- Liking it.
- Yeah. We check in.
230
00:10:51,310 --> 00:10:52,719
We check out.
231
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:55,322
We get weird, wild, and spontaneous.
232
00:10:55,330 --> 00:10:58,529
How about tonight?
I mean, if she's free?
233
00:10:58,530 --> 00:11:00,340
- You know I'm down.
- Yeah?
234
00:11:00,350 --> 00:11:04,239
- I'm in.
- We're doing it? Okay.
235
00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:05,620
_
236
00:11:07,550 --> 00:11:10,829
So let me guess. Dictator.
237
00:11:10,830 --> 00:11:11,839
Dominatrix.
238
00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:15,879
Dominatrix who specializes
in portraying a dictator.
239
00:11:15,880 --> 00:11:18,809
Union buster, actually, which is weird,
240
00:11:18,810 --> 00:11:21,920
because I do not recall
including that one.
241
00:11:21,930 --> 00:11:24,389
But look, forget about the test, okay?
242
00:11:24,390 --> 00:11:26,769
Listen to me, and remember only this.
243
00:11:26,770 --> 00:11:30,559
Do what you love, and you'll
never work a day in your life.
244
00:11:30,560 --> 00:11:33,949
I swear to God, Remy, if I am
paying you 200 bucks an hour
245
00:11:33,950 --> 00:11:35,775
to tell me to follow my bliss,
246
00:11:35,776 --> 00:11:37,697
they will never find
all the pieces of you.
247
00:11:37,698 --> 00:11:39,899
Mutilation.
248
00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:41,909
Nice. Cool stuff. I'm into that too.
249
00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:43,489
Rock on.
250
00:11:43,490 --> 00:11:46,779
Oh, hey. That's a nice laptop, huh?
251
00:11:46,780 --> 00:11:49,019
Really? It's silver.
252
00:11:49,020 --> 00:11:50,835
Opens and closes. It's pretty standard.
253
00:11:50,836 --> 00:11:53,479
- May I?
- Knock yourself out.
254
00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:55,279
Thank you. Bit of a laptop freak.
255
00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:57,519
- [CHUCKLING]
- What are you doing?
256
00:11:57,520 --> 00:11:59,349
Oh, I'm gonna do a bit of a reading,
257
00:11:59,350 --> 00:12:01,549
but not tarot cards or tea leaves.
258
00:12:01,550 --> 00:12:02,739
No, no, no, no, no.
259
00:12:02,740 --> 00:12:05,223
I'm gonna do a reading of
your browsing history.
260
00:12:05,224 --> 00:12:06,643
- No. No.
- Yes. Yes.
261
00:12:06,644 --> 00:12:08,659
- No.
- You, hands off.
262
00:12:08,660 --> 00:12:10,143
Want to play that game?
263
00:12:10,144 --> 00:12:11,480
I can play it all day.
264
00:12:11,481 --> 00:12:13,942
Let go. It's gonna help you.
265
00:12:13,950 --> 00:12:15,330
- Yeah?
- [WHISPERS] Yeah.
266
00:12:15,340 --> 00:12:16,930
I'm here to help.
267
00:12:19,220 --> 00:12:20,680
Okay.
268
00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:28,740
[SIGHS]
269
00:12:28,750 --> 00:12:31,919
The crapboard house.
270
00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:33,489
Say what now?
271
00:12:33,490 --> 00:12:35,719
I thought you liked it.
Isn't that why we're here?
272
00:12:35,720 --> 00:12:38,459
No. Carmen was trying
to say "clapboard,"
273
00:12:38,460 --> 00:12:42,080
but "crapboard" came out,
so it just kind of stuck.
274
00:12:44,810 --> 00:12:46,500
You okay?
275
00:12:48,180 --> 00:12:49,819
Yeah. You just... don't realize
276
00:12:49,820 --> 00:12:52,320
how much you're gonna miss that stuff.
277
00:12:52,330 --> 00:12:54,999
The goofy-ass jokes you
repeat a million times,
278
00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:58,209
and they just get dumber and dumber.
279
00:12:58,210 --> 00:13:00,249
Till they're perfect.
280
00:13:00,250 --> 00:13:01,930
- Yeah.
- Hey.
281
00:13:05,100 --> 00:13:09,120
I really appreciate everything, Kay?
282
00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:15,519
If you buy this place,
I get a wing, right?
283
00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:18,270
Did I mention that you're
never getting rid of me?
284
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:23,760
- It's nice, right?
- Yeah. Nice.
285
00:13:23,770 --> 00:13:25,263
Welcome home, Dave.
286
00:13:25,270 --> 00:13:27,299
Dave's even weirder sister.
287
00:13:27,300 --> 00:13:29,100
Manipulative neighborhood villain.
288
00:13:29,110 --> 00:13:31,139
- How did you know?
- It's been on seven home tours
289
00:13:31,140 --> 00:13:32,460
in the last four years.
290
00:13:32,470 --> 00:13:34,689
Only one couple showed up to all seven.
291
00:13:34,690 --> 00:13:40,528
Right. I should take a picture for Carm.
292
00:13:44,640 --> 00:13:46,951
I feel like I should wait
until she's back, and...
293
00:13:46,952 --> 00:13:49,162
Then you'll feel like it's
somebody else's house.
294
00:13:49,170 --> 00:13:50,659
But Trakarsky's...
295
00:13:50,660 --> 00:13:51,779
- Jesus.
- No, seriously.
296
00:13:51,780 --> 00:13:53,660
Hey, no unlikely alliances.
297
00:13:53,670 --> 00:13:55,439
Take this observation
with a grain of salt,
298
00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:57,460
but your weird forever-and-ever plan
299
00:13:57,470 --> 00:14:00,507
is just an anchor of stupidity.
300
00:14:05,300 --> 00:14:06,760
Excuse me.
301
00:14:06,770 --> 00:14:08,779
- Unhand me.
- Does this help?
302
00:14:08,780 --> 00:14:11,010
- Us dragging you into it?
- Yeah, a little bit.
303
00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:14,520
[MELLOW MUSIC]
304
00:14:14,521 --> 00:14:16,230
♪ ♪
305
00:14:16,231 --> 00:14:18,030
[CLEARS THROAT]
306
00:14:21,740 --> 00:14:23,559
Okay, um...
307
00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:27,199
just to save time,
is it all about weddings?
308
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,939
All these clouded filters?
309
00:14:29,940 --> 00:14:31,179
Every Pinterest board.
310
00:14:31,180 --> 00:14:34,899
All these videos and decades'
worth of website links.
311
00:14:34,900 --> 00:14:36,519
The wedding diary?
312
00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:39,002
- What the fuck is the wedding diary?
- No.
313
00:14:39,003 --> 00:14:40,919
You, of all people,
do not get to look at me
314
00:14:40,920 --> 00:14:42,089
like I'm crazy, okay?
315
00:14:42,090 --> 00:14:43,589
I...
316
00:14:43,590 --> 00:14:47,339
Great, Coach fucking
Remy thinks I'm crazy.
317
00:14:47,340 --> 00:14:52,119
So when did it start, this
addiction to wedding porn?
318
00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:54,839
Uh... pfft. Since I was 18,
319
00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:56,599
before I got left at the altar,
320
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:59,199
I may or may not have stopped doing
321
00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:00,899
literally anything else
my entire senior year.
322
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:05,259
Hmm. And who's this Lala person
323
00:15:05,260 --> 00:15:07,779
you keep rambling on and on and...
324
00:15:07,780 --> 00:15:09,019
My bestie's new stepmom.
325
00:15:09,020 --> 00:15:11,209
She literally does not have
the slightest fucking clue
326
00:15:11,210 --> 00:15:12,328
what she's doing.
327
00:15:13,310 --> 00:15:14,869
That's it.
328
00:15:14,870 --> 00:15:16,409
It's perfect. Don't you see?
329
00:15:16,410 --> 00:15:17,699
You're a domineering control freak
330
00:15:17,700 --> 00:15:19,819
who takes great joy in bossing
other people around.
331
00:15:19,820 --> 00:15:21,219
You have to plan that woman's wedding.
332
00:15:21,220 --> 00:15:24,254
I'm sorry, did you seriously
just call me a basic bitch?
333
00:15:24,255 --> 00:15:25,632
- Wait. What?
- You know what?
334
00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:27,079
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it.
335
00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:28,094
You wore me down.
336
00:15:28,095 --> 00:15:29,959
I did? Really?
337
00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:31,539
Really do need closure on
my wedding obsession.
338
00:15:31,540 --> 00:15:34,199
I mean might as well bail out some
poor, dumb, clueless bride
339
00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:36,227
while I'm at it, right?
Is that what you're saying?
340
00:15:36,228 --> 00:15:38,259
Yes. That was precisely
what I was saying.
341
00:15:38,260 --> 00:15:39,639
Exactly. No doubt about it.
342
00:15:39,640 --> 00:15:41,119
Then you're gonna like my Yelp review.
343
00:15:41,120 --> 00:15:44,279
Oh, great. Hey, what
is Yelp, by the way?
344
00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:46,640
People keep threatening me with it.
345
00:15:46,650 --> 00:15:48,899
So you're babysitting their kids now?
346
00:15:48,900 --> 00:15:50,560
Lala offered way before you came home.
347
00:15:50,570 --> 00:15:52,149
What were we supposed to do?
348
00:15:52,150 --> 00:15:54,279
Rescind the offer.
349
00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:56,879
Okay. Fine. Say the word, and it's done.
350
00:15:56,880 --> 00:15:58,430
Good.
351
00:16:01,070 --> 00:16:02,930
[SIGHS]
352
00:16:07,670 --> 00:16:10,339
- It's not a good look is it?
- No.
353
00:16:10,340 --> 00:16:12,419
They're gonna say it's
'cause I'm all freaked out
354
00:16:12,420 --> 00:16:14,079
'cause I'm still in love with them.
355
00:16:14,080 --> 00:16:17,268
Which you aren't, right?
356
00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:20,599
Of course not.
357
00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:25,499
Which is why, upon deeper reflection,
358
00:16:25,500 --> 00:16:27,679
I'm totally cool with it.
359
00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:29,948
So I hope it's a blast-off.
360
00:16:31,700 --> 00:16:33,359
Oh, hey, La.
361
00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:36,559
I heard that you're babysitting
the Trakarsky ladies.
362
00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:38,539
So nice of you.
363
00:16:38,540 --> 00:16:39,879
It's a neighborly thing.
364
00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:41,959
You know, maybe you...
a little practice?
365
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:44,360
No, 'cause you guys are
super old, so just...
366
00:16:46,740 --> 00:16:48,633
- What was that?
- Tough to say.
367
00:16:49,380 --> 00:16:52,669
- We're old.
- Hey, baby.
368
00:16:52,670 --> 00:16:54,264
You.
369
00:16:54,270 --> 00:16:55,319
- Oh, God.
- Nina.
370
00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:57,599
I see you, La. I know what you're doing.
371
00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:59,319
Ben, help.
372
00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:01,329
Better to aim low and miss, right?
373
00:17:01,330 --> 00:17:03,399
Way less embarrassing
than actually trying,
374
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:04,645
but not pulling it off.
375
00:17:04,646 --> 00:17:06,064
I don't know what that means.
376
00:17:06,065 --> 00:17:08,315
I'm gonna do it. I'll plan your wedding.
377
00:17:08,316 --> 00:17:10,219
- What?
- Yeah, I'm gonna plan your wedding
378
00:17:10,220 --> 00:17:11,899
and save you a lifetime of regrets.
379
00:17:11,900 --> 00:17:14,279
You don't have to pay me or,
you know, even thank me,
380
00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:15,460
but we start tomorrow.
381
00:17:15,470 --> 00:17:17,799
Which will not be a generic mall safari,
382
00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:19,379
because I have booked an appointment
383
00:17:19,380 --> 00:17:21,620
with the single coolest
wedding dress consultant
384
00:17:21,630 --> 00:17:22,999
in all of Portland.
385
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:24,409
What's it called?
386
00:17:24,410 --> 00:17:25,751
Why would it need to be called anything?
387
00:17:25,752 --> 00:17:26,899
How am I supposed to
know if it's any good
388
00:17:26,900 --> 00:17:28,279
if I don't know what it's called?
389
00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:32,010
Forget everything you
think you know, okay?
390
00:17:33,660 --> 00:17:35,040
I'll be in touch.
391
00:17:36,180 --> 00:17:38,419
- This is her business card.
- Yeah.
392
00:17:38,420 --> 00:17:40,339
Why would I say yes to this?
393
00:17:40,340 --> 00:17:41,999
Well, think of it this way,
394
00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:43,840
and the answer becomes simple.
395
00:17:43,850 --> 00:17:45,229
Do we really want to find out
396
00:17:45,230 --> 00:17:46,960
what would happen if we said no?
397
00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:51,499
You wouldn't babysit their
kids, would you, Abigail?
398
00:17:51,500 --> 00:17:53,110
[PHONE RINGS]
399
00:17:58,480 --> 00:18:00,499
- Hello?
- Hold on, hold on.
400
00:18:00,500 --> 00:18:02,760
Dr. Silva, someone wants to talk to you.
401
00:18:02,770 --> 00:18:04,560
Here you go.
402
00:18:04,570 --> 00:18:08,019
- Izzy?
- Leo! Hi, peanut.
403
00:18:08,020 --> 00:18:09,669
¿Cómo estás?
404
00:18:09,670 --> 00:18:12,799
- I miss you.
- Oh, I miss you too.
405
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:14,769
Not much longer. I promise, okay?
406
00:18:14,770 --> 00:18:16,449
We're gonna get this figured out.
407
00:18:16,450 --> 00:18:18,219
Yay!
408
00:18:18,220 --> 00:18:20,299
[LAUGHS]
409
00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:22,300
What are you afraid of?
410
00:18:24,060 --> 00:18:25,470
Everything.
411
00:18:27,100 --> 00:18:29,600
That branch we were on was a lot safer.
412
00:18:31,210 --> 00:18:33,150
It's a really nice branch.
413
00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:37,259
Hey, just 'cause you can climb higher
414
00:18:37,260 --> 00:18:38,639
doesn't mean you have to.
415
00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:41,162
This woman's babbling incoherently.
416
00:18:41,170 --> 00:18:44,780
Honestly, we should put her
down, as a matter of dignity.
417
00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:47,499
Seriously, Dave?
418
00:18:47,500 --> 00:18:49,319
You walk out of here,
you won't get back in
419
00:18:49,320 --> 00:18:51,047
till the next home tour.
420
00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:56,559
I gotta talk to Carmen alone,
421
00:18:56,560 --> 00:19:00,597
even if she is flattened
into the shape of an iPad.
422
00:19:00,598 --> 00:19:02,510
Good call.
423
00:19:03,740 --> 00:19:06,299
I find you useless.
424
00:19:06,300 --> 00:19:07,820
Hm.
425
00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:10,599
Oh, yeah.
426
00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:12,689
Oh, let me smell. Let me smell.
427
00:19:12,690 --> 00:19:16,760
Oh, there's the stuff. Yeah, baby.
428
00:19:16,770 --> 00:19:18,109
So what's the plan?
429
00:19:18,110 --> 00:19:20,119
Hotel Angelina. Top floor.
430
00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:21,200
City views.
431
00:19:21,201 --> 00:19:23,389
- Yeah. We splurged a little.
- Oh, nice.
432
00:19:23,390 --> 00:19:26,479
Well, enjoy the privacy,
if you know what I mean.
433
00:19:26,480 --> 00:19:29,039
Well, there's no pressure on that front.
434
00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:32,919
Whatever happens happens,
as long as we're together.
435
00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:34,840
- Aw.
- Yeah, but what's gonna happen
436
00:19:34,850 --> 00:19:38,209
- is a whole lot of sex.
- Oh.
437
00:19:38,210 --> 00:19:39,620
- Okay.
- Well, okay.
438
00:19:39,630 --> 00:19:41,514
- That's great.
- Yeah, great.
439
00:19:41,515 --> 00:19:44,179
- Oh, yeah, tons of sex.
- Mm-hmm.
440
00:19:44,180 --> 00:19:46,309
- We're gonna, like, set records.
- Oh, yeah.
441
00:19:46,310 --> 00:19:47,379
- If you're looking for us...
- Okay.
442
00:19:47,380 --> 00:19:48,409
... we'll be in the emergency room,
443
00:19:48,410 --> 00:19:49,999
'cause we're gonna cripple each other.
444
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:53,419
- That's great.
- Well, we may even invite some company,
445
00:19:53,420 --> 00:19:54,774
if you know what I'm saying.
446
00:19:54,775 --> 00:19:57,579
Yeah. Every sexual position
that's known to man.
447
00:19:57,580 --> 00:19:59,449
- Oh, yeah, the donkey.
- Yep.
448
00:20:00,430 --> 00:20:02,089
So vivid.
449
00:20:02,090 --> 00:20:04,040
Can't stop seeing it.
450
00:20:20,360 --> 00:20:23,290
[BABIES FUSSING]
451
00:20:29,540 --> 00:20:31,380
[EXHALES]
452
00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:39,697
Hi again.
453
00:20:45,700 --> 00:20:50,469
Okay, so I'm Izzy,
454
00:20:50,470 --> 00:20:52,919
and I'm sure you've heard of me.
455
00:20:54,300 --> 00:20:55,979
They do talk about me, right?
456
00:20:55,980 --> 00:20:58,849
Like, you wouldn't categorize
them as apathetic,
457
00:20:58,850 --> 00:21:02,179
'cause that's the real opposite of love,
458
00:21:02,180 --> 00:21:05,556
so don't say I never tell you anything.
459
00:21:08,460 --> 00:21:11,059
God, you're both so dewy.
460
00:21:11,060 --> 00:21:13,670
Can I get the name of your dermo?
461
00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:23,480
Oh, why'd you have to go do that?
462
00:21:29,090 --> 00:21:31,749
Can I tell you a secret?
463
00:21:31,750 --> 00:21:34,300
Your parents are assholes.
464
00:21:35,650 --> 00:21:37,530
You heard it here first.
465
00:21:41,430 --> 00:21:45,345
[UPBEAT BLUESY MUSIC]
466
00:21:45,346 --> 00:21:46,969
♪ ♪
467
00:21:46,970 --> 00:21:49,299
[INDISTINCT SINGING]
468
00:21:49,300 --> 00:21:54,605
♪ ♪
469
00:22:05,300 --> 00:22:06,780
Oh, wait a minute...
470
00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:10,069
That's why they say
471
00:22:10,070 --> 00:22:11,640
"Dance like nobody's watching," right?
472
00:22:11,650 --> 00:22:13,019
Ha ha.
473
00:22:13,020 --> 00:22:14,889
Oh, hang on.
474
00:22:14,890 --> 00:22:17,890
I just realized "dance
like no one's watching"
475
00:22:17,900 --> 00:22:20,880
makes so much more
sense if you're alone.
476
00:22:22,466 --> 00:22:24,594
Check it out. Spontaneous dance.
477
00:22:24,595 --> 00:22:27,399
♪ ♪
478
00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:30,039
Wow. Wow. Hey, babe.
479
00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:33,719
Babe, let's spontaneously,
like, stop dancing.
480
00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:35,420
Okay. Good, 'cause I'm exhausted.
481
00:22:39,260 --> 00:22:40,579
Hey, do you think Izzy heard us?
482
00:22:40,580 --> 00:22:43,569
I mean were we being too Dicky?
We were kind of Dicky.
483
00:22:43,570 --> 00:22:44,719
I don't know. She started it, right,
484
00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:46,360
with the whole Nathan thing.
485
00:22:47,350 --> 00:22:50,200
Okay, what now? Pillow fight?
486
00:22:51,500 --> 00:22:54,359
That seems kind of desperate.
487
00:22:54,360 --> 00:22:57,039
That's fair. Yeah. We could eat.
488
00:22:57,040 --> 00:22:59,460
Yeah. Which we will when
our food finally gets here
489
00:22:59,470 --> 00:23:02,779
which we ordered like...
490
00:23:02,780 --> 00:23:04,719
Oh, 11 minutes ago.
491
00:23:04,720 --> 00:23:06,239
Oh, my God. I would have
guessed like, an hour.
492
00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:07,509
I know. Same.
493
00:23:07,510 --> 00:23:09,479
Okay.
494
00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:11,539
[PHONE CHIMES]
495
00:23:11,540 --> 00:23:13,020
It's Izzy.
496
00:23:15,550 --> 00:23:17,679
"Your babies are precious."
497
00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:19,599
- Hmm.
- [TONE]
498
00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:21,919
"Also, I hate you."
499
00:23:21,920 --> 00:23:23,769
Ha. That's more like it.
500
00:23:23,770 --> 00:23:27,340
Obvious cry for help. Do we, uh...
501
00:23:27,350 --> 00:23:30,460
- Do we respond?
- I think we have to, right?
502
00:23:30,470 --> 00:23:33,799
Yeah. Like, something super mature.
You know, this is our chance
503
00:23:33,800 --> 00:23:35,699
to get back on the moral high road.
504
00:23:35,700 --> 00:23:37,619
I actually haven't spent too
much time on that road,
505
00:23:37,620 --> 00:23:38,768
although I hear it's very nice.
506
00:23:38,770 --> 00:23:41,419
You know, high visibility. Low humidity.
507
00:23:41,420 --> 00:23:44,579
Concerned and caring, yet detached.
508
00:23:44,580 --> 00:23:45,669
Good.
509
00:23:45,670 --> 00:23:48,479
[POP MUSIC PLAYING]
510
00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:52,479
♪ ♪
511
00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:54,099
Why are you here?
512
00:23:54,100 --> 00:23:55,460
Shh.
513
00:23:55,470 --> 00:23:57,060
Okay. Good talk.
514
00:24:02,760 --> 00:24:04,273
You did it, didn't you?
515
00:24:04,274 --> 00:24:07,229
- Did what?
- You drunk texted the Trakarskys.
516
00:24:07,230 --> 00:24:08,698
- You don't know anything.
- Hmm.
517
00:24:08,699 --> 00:24:10,719
I mean, I did text them,
518
00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:14,519
but I'm not what I consider drunk. Yet.
519
00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:17,248
You know, I actually am
very glad you're here.
520
00:24:17,249 --> 00:24:19,419
- Really?
- Yeah.
521
00:24:19,420 --> 00:24:22,249
I'm at that dicey age
where a cautionary tale
522
00:24:22,250 --> 00:24:24,580
is more impactful than a hero.
523
00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:28,049
You're also at that dicey age
where you generally suck
524
00:24:28,050 --> 00:24:29,739
and everyone hates your stupid face.
525
00:24:29,740 --> 00:24:31,009
Okay. All right.
526
00:24:31,010 --> 00:24:34,015
I guess we're not gonna be doing
the witty banter thing then, huh?
527
00:24:34,016 --> 00:24:35,570
[CHIME, BUZZ]
528
00:24:38,180 --> 00:24:40,120
"Do you need to talk?"
529
00:24:41,660 --> 00:24:44,439
What the actual fucking fuck?
530
00:24:44,440 --> 00:24:45,769
So hi.
531
00:24:45,770 --> 00:24:47,539
Hey, don't want to nag,
532
00:24:47,540 --> 00:24:50,709
but maybe 10% less profanity
and alcohol ingestion.
533
00:24:50,710 --> 00:24:56,779
Sorry. All my favorite
celebrities broke up, and I...
534
00:24:56,780 --> 00:25:00,082
It's really sad. Take it down a notch.
535
00:25:01,760 --> 00:25:03,349
"Do you need to talk?"
536
00:25:03,350 --> 00:25:06,289
Okay, okay. You think that's gonna work?
537
00:25:06,290 --> 00:25:07,768
You think I'm gonna
hightail it over there,
538
00:25:07,770 --> 00:25:09,239
to prove how not crazy I am
539
00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:10,843
which will just make
me look even crazier?
540
00:25:10,844 --> 00:25:12,540
Well, guess what? Nice try.
541
00:25:12,550 --> 00:25:15,347
Only one step ahead of you assholes.
542
00:25:15,350 --> 00:25:17,469
[PHONE TONE]
543
00:25:17,470 --> 00:25:20,269
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
544
00:25:20,270 --> 00:25:22,039
♪ ♪
545
00:25:22,040 --> 00:25:23,679
[CHIME]
546
00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:25,649
I'm not gonna yell.
547
00:25:25,650 --> 00:25:28,479
I'm gonna calmly inform you that,
548
00:25:28,480 --> 00:25:30,979
if you don't delete that immediately,
549
00:25:30,980 --> 00:25:34,199
right now, in front my face,
I'm going to do horrible,
550
00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:35,779
permanent things to you while you sleep.
551
00:25:35,780 --> 00:25:39,240
And that is not a threat.
That is a stone-cold fact.
552
00:25:40,748 --> 00:25:43,449
Right. Yeah. Okay. I'm on it. I'm on it.
553
00:25:43,450 --> 00:25:48,059
♪ ♪
554
00:25:48,060 --> 00:25:49,829
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- [GASPS]
555
00:25:49,830 --> 00:25:51,099
Izzy.
556
00:25:51,100 --> 00:25:52,635
Where?
557
00:25:53,880 --> 00:25:57,299
- Room service.
- It's room service.
558
00:25:57,300 --> 00:25:59,350
Coming.
559
00:26:06,820 --> 00:26:10,620
"Do you need to talk?" Really?
560
00:26:13,480 --> 00:26:18,030
We have the Korean spicy
fried chicken here.
561
00:26:19,360 --> 00:26:21,419
- Lobster mac and cheese...
- I came here to tell you
562
00:26:21,420 --> 00:26:23,599
to your stupid faces that no.
563
00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:26,030
I very much do not need to talk.
564
00:26:26,840 --> 00:26:29,540
Herbal cheesecake. Hmm?
565
00:26:30,530 --> 00:26:34,539
Fine, I will eat then I'm out of here.
566
00:26:34,540 --> 00:26:37,190
[DISH COVERS CLATTERING]
567
00:26:39,380 --> 00:26:41,919
- Sriracha spring rolls...
- Yeah, that's delicious.
568
00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:43,179
- Okay.
- Okay.
569
00:26:43,180 --> 00:26:44,989
[POP MUSIC]
570
00:26:44,990 --> 00:26:48,259
♪ Wait until tomorrow ♪
571
00:26:48,260 --> 00:26:52,599
♪ Wait until tomorrow comes
with the rising sun ♪
572
00:26:52,600 --> 00:26:56,199
♪ Don't close your eyes ♪
573
00:26:56,200 --> 00:26:59,119
♪ The night is long and
I know you're strong ♪
574
00:26:59,120 --> 00:27:02,269
[SINGING CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]
575
00:27:02,270 --> 00:27:06,625
♪ ♪
41299
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