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1
00:00:04,037 --> 00:00:05,607
EMMA:��The�Liberals�have
reformed�the�Senate
2
00:00:05,638 --> 00:00:09,938
by�selling�off�49%
of�the�seats
to�the�private�sector.
3
00:00:09,976 --> 00:00:13,806
MIGUEL:��Edmonton�Fashion�Week
showcases�the�latest
in�fringed�denim.
4
00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:17,947
EMMA:��And�America�has�finally
ended�the�economic�sanctions
against�Cuba...
5
00:00:17,984 --> 00:00:19,354
...Gooding�Jr.
6
00:00:27,727 --> 00:00:29,157
(AUDIENCE�CHEERING
AND�APPLAUDING)
7
00:00:35,402 --> 00:00:37,072
Welcome�to��The�Beaverton,
8
00:00:37,103 --> 00:00:40,573
Canada's�most�trusted
source�of�aggregated
news-style�content.
9
00:00:40,607 --> 00:00:42,177
I'm�your�host,�Miguel�Rivas.
10
00:00:42,208 --> 00:00:44,008
And�I'm�your�anchor,
Emma�Hunter.
11
00:00:46,212 --> 00:00:47,452
Our�top�story,
12
00:00:47,480 --> 00:00:49,450
developments�in
indigenous�affairs.
13
00:00:49,482 --> 00:00:52,352
Justin�Trudeau�has�apologized
to�First�Nations�communities
14
00:00:52,385 --> 00:00:58,015
for�the�government
mistreatment�they�will�suffer
in�the�next�150�years.
15
00:00:58,058 --> 00:01:00,958
Trudeau�acknowledged
that�the�coming�century
would�be�a�difficult�one,
16
00:01:00,994 --> 00:01:02,134
stating,
17
00:01:02,162 --> 00:01:10,102
(READING)
18
00:01:10,136 --> 00:01:13,466
"we�truly�regret
what�we'll�continue�to�do."
19
00:01:13,506 --> 00:01:16,376
Trudeau�went�on�to�offer
more�empty�platitudes
before�admitting,
20
00:01:16,409 --> 00:01:17,939
like�every�PM�before�him,
21
00:01:17,977 --> 00:01:20,777
it's�easier�to�beg�forgiveness
for�cultural�genocide
22
00:01:20,814 --> 00:01:22,224
than�to�ask�permission.
23
00:01:23,683 --> 00:01:25,653
In�an�effort�to�combat
wage�stagnation,
24
00:01:25,685 --> 00:01:28,715
finance�minister�Bill�Morneau
released�a�revolutionary�plan
25
00:01:28,755 --> 00:01:30,315
advising�Canadian�families
26
00:01:30,356 --> 00:01:32,926
to�upgrade�from�standard
two-income�households
27
00:01:32,959 --> 00:01:36,399
to�the�superior
three-income�household.
28
00:01:36,429 --> 00:01:38,029
Simply�by�putting
your�child�to�work,
29
00:01:38,064 --> 00:01:40,704
or�training�your�pet
to�do�YouTube�fails,
30
00:01:40,733 --> 00:01:44,643
Morneau�says
Canadians�will�still�be�able
to�retire�at�the�age�of�75.
31
00:01:45,772 --> 00:01:47,812
For�households�with
no�children,
32
00:01:47,841 --> 00:01:50,541
the�report�recommends
training�a�band�of�plucky,
hard-working�street�urchins
33
00:01:50,577 --> 00:01:52,877
as�pickpockets.
34
00:01:52,912 --> 00:01:54,982
In�business�news,
after�55�years,
35
00:01:55,014 --> 00:01:57,524
Canada's�largest�pizza�chain,
Pizza�Pizza,
36
00:01:57,550 --> 00:02:00,990
announced�today�it�has
hired�its�first�employee
of�Italian�descent.
37
00:02:01,020 --> 00:02:02,520
Bashar�Ruwaidah,
38
00:02:02,555 --> 00:02:04,915
manager�of�the�location�that
hired�the�Italian-Canadian,
39
00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:07,788
said�he�was�skeptical�of
Emilio�Manfredonia�at�first,
40
00:02:07,827 --> 00:02:11,457
but�came�around
when�he�heard�him�pronounce
the�word�"Mozzarella".
41
00:02:11,498 --> 00:02:13,098
For�his�part,
Emilio�told�reporters
42
00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:15,643
he�was�thrilled�to�be�joining
the�Pizza�Pizza�family,
43
00:02:15,668 --> 00:02:18,568
although�he�admitted
his�ultimate�goal�was�to
save�up�enough�money
44
00:02:18,605 --> 00:02:20,235
to�open�his�own
shawarma�stand.
45
00:02:21,474 --> 00:02:23,014
In�international�news,
46
00:02:23,042 --> 00:02:25,882
Russia's�transgressions
continue�to�go�unchecked,
47
00:02:25,912 --> 00:02:30,552
from�brash�cyber-attacks
to�Putin�boxing�the
Siberian�tiger�to�extinction.
48
00:02:32,085 --> 00:02:34,415
But�when�it�comes�to�Russia's
aggression�in�Ukraine,
49
00:02:34,454 --> 00:02:36,424
Trudeau�believes
he�finally�has�an�answer.
50
00:02:36,456 --> 00:02:39,926
For�more�on�this�story,�we�go
to�Marilla�Wex�in�Moscow.
51
00:02:39,959 --> 00:02:42,459
MARILLA:��Nearly�a�year�after
the�annexation�of�Crimea,
52
00:02:42,495 --> 00:02:44,725
Russia�has�refused
to�capitulate
53
00:02:44,764 --> 00:02:49,074
to�international�pressure,
UN�resolutions,
or�trade�sanctions.
54
00:02:49,869 --> 00:02:51,269
But�now�Canada�believes
55
00:02:51,304 --> 00:02:52,974
that�with�a�single�stroke
of�the�pen,
56
00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:54,966
that�it�can�get
Russia�into�line.
57
00:02:55,608 --> 00:02:57,078
How?
58
00:02:57,110 --> 00:03:00,580
By�cutting�off�access
to�its�most�valuable
foreign�export,
59
00:03:00,613 --> 00:03:02,683
Just�For�Laughs�Gags.
60
00:03:02,715 --> 00:03:06,915
For�nearly�a�decade,
Canada's�own�hidden-camera
show,�Just�For�Laughs�Gags,
61
00:03:06,953 --> 00:03:10,523
has�been�the�number-one�rated
program�in�Russia.
62
00:03:10,557 --> 00:03:13,527
And�Trudeau�says�if
Russia�doesn't�back�down,
63
00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:16,060
he�will�terminate�its
licensing�agreement.
64
00:03:16,095 --> 00:03:18,225
There'll�be�no�more
pies�to�the�face,
65
00:03:18,264 --> 00:03:22,974
fake�bears,�or�blind�people
pretending�to�walk�into�doors
for�the�Russian�populace.
66
00:03:23,002 --> 00:03:27,312
Experts�say�this�could
be�disastrous
for�the�Putin�regime.
67
00:03:27,340 --> 00:03:29,880
TRANSLATOR:�(SPEAKING�ENGLISH)
Putin�will�lose
all�his�popularity
68
00:03:29,909 --> 00:03:32,809
if�he�deprives�us�of
the�chance�to�see
people�throw�out�garbage,
69
00:03:32,845 --> 00:03:36,045
only�for�the�garbage�can
to�stand�up
and�run�after�them,
70
00:03:36,082 --> 00:03:39,092
because�someone�has�been
hiding�in�the�garbage�can
the�whole�time!
71
00:03:39,118 --> 00:03:40,248
(LAUGHS�LOUDLY)
72
00:03:42,455 --> 00:03:45,425
Concern�was�sufficient
that�the�Kremlin�has
commissioned�a�pilot
73
00:03:45,458 --> 00:03:47,128
for�a�Russian�version
of�the�show
74
00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:50,060
featuring�the�classic�premise,
a�phony�arrest.
75
00:03:54,834 --> 00:03:56,204
(BANK�ALARM�RINGING)
76
00:04:05,311 --> 00:04:06,311
(GRUNTS)
77
00:04:08,481 --> 00:04:09,781
(MAN�GROANS)
78
00:04:09,816 --> 00:04:10,816
(GRUNTING)
79
00:04:23,062 --> 00:04:25,502
The�show�was�not
well�received.
80
00:04:25,531 --> 00:04:29,171
And�now,�the�balance
of�European�peace
rests�once�again
81
00:04:29,202 --> 00:04:32,872
on�the�popular�support
for�French-Canadian
slapstick�comedy.
82
00:04:32,905 --> 00:04:35,535
Marilla�Wex,��The�Beaverton,
Moscow.
83
00:04:36,476 --> 00:04:38,236
After�the�break,
84
00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:40,608
our�financial�expert�tells�you
how�to�protect�yourself�from
identity�theft
85
00:04:40,647 --> 00:04:42,347
by�being�poor�and�boring.
86
00:04:47,220 --> 00:04:49,220
NARRATOR:��Life's�busy
for�the�modern�woman.
87
00:04:49,255 --> 00:04:50,715
(PHONE�RINGING)
88
00:04:50,757 --> 00:04:53,557
Between�work�and�home�life,
it�can�really�add�up.
89
00:04:53,593 --> 00:04:58,503
Sometimes�it's�exhausting
to�have�to�lean�in�and
break�the�glass�ceiling.
90
00:04:58,531 --> 00:04:59,871
You�work�hard.
91
00:04:59,899 --> 00:05:01,769
And�now,�you�can
play�just�as�hard
92
00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:05,171
with�a�new�product
that�will�revolutionize
girl's�night�out.
93
00:05:05,204 --> 00:05:07,844
Foxy�Girl�Vodka�Tampons.
94
00:05:07,874 --> 00:05:12,414
Sleek,�compact�and�soaked
in�premium�triple-distilled
grain�alcohol,
95
00:05:12,445 --> 00:05:16,475
Foxy�Girl�Vodka�Tampons
let�you�sync�up
your�party�cycles.
96
00:05:16,516 --> 00:05:19,286
Low�calorie�and�in
all�your�favorite�flavors,
97
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:21,189
they�deliver�refreshing
cocktails
98
00:05:21,220 --> 00:05:23,460
in�one�convenient�vaginal�sip.
99
00:05:23,489 --> 00:05:26,789
Perfect�whether�you�want
a�light�or�heavy�flow�of�fun.
100
00:05:26,826 --> 00:05:30,496
From�the�makers�of
Dude,�It's�Not�Gay
butt�chug�ale,
101
00:05:30,530 --> 00:05:32,270
Foxy�Girl�Vodka�Tampons
102
00:05:32,298 --> 00:05:34,398
come�in�twelve
convenient�sizes.
103
00:05:34,434 --> 00:05:39,114
Including�Just�a�Couple,
Tipsy,�Drunk
and�Shitvagged.
104
00:05:39,138 --> 00:05:41,438
With�its�patented
two-minute�absorption,
105
00:05:41,474 --> 00:05:45,714
Foxy�Girl�Vodka�Tampons
finally�offer�the�discretion
and�efficiency
106
00:05:45,745 --> 00:05:46,745
to�fit�your�modern�needs.
107
00:05:47,580 --> 00:05:49,980
Foxy�Girl�Vodka�Tampons.
108
00:05:50,016 --> 00:05:51,576
The�next�round's�in�you.
109
00:05:57,223 --> 00:05:58,733
(AUDIENCE�CHEERING
AND�APPLAUDING)
110
00:06:03,396 --> 00:06:04,526
In�environmental�news,
111
00:06:04,564 --> 00:06:06,934
the�Fraser�Institute�has
released�a�new�report
112
00:06:06,966 --> 00:06:10,896
slamming�a�climate�change
project�by�nine-year-old
Ainsley�Martindon,
113
00:06:10,937 --> 00:06:13,567
of�Beckerman�Elementary
School.
114
00:06:13,606 --> 00:06:16,136
In�their�800-page�rebuttal,
Science�Un-Fair,
115
00:06:16,175 --> 00:06:21,445
the�right-leaning�think�tank
accuses�Ainsley�of�hiding
an�anti-oil�agenda,
116
00:06:21,481 --> 00:06:22,981
failing�to�obtain�peer�review
117
00:06:23,015 --> 00:06:26,345
and�obviously�getting
help�from�her�parents
on�her�diorama.
118
00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:28,686
In�a�statement�to�reporters,
the�institute�said,
119
00:06:28,721 --> 00:06:35,161
(READING)
120
00:06:35,194 --> 00:06:38,334
"by�someone�who�we�heard�has
a�crush�on�Trevor�S?"
121
00:06:40,032 --> 00:06:42,472
In�the�last�year,�thousands
of�Syrian�refugees
122
00:06:42,502 --> 00:06:45,002
escaped�their�war-torn�country
to�come�to�Canada.
123
00:06:45,037 --> 00:06:48,007
For�more�on�how�they�are
adapting�to�life�in�our
peace-torn�country,
124
00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:50,180
we�go�to�Aisha�Alfa.
125
00:06:50,209 --> 00:06:52,979
AISHA:��After�opening
our�borders,�and�chiseled,
hairless�chests,
126
00:06:53,012 --> 00:06:54,182
to�Syrian�refugees,
127
00:06:54,213 --> 00:06:56,683
Canadians�are�wondering
how�their�new�neighbors
128
00:06:56,716 --> 00:06:58,946
are�acclimating�to
their�adopted�country.
129
00:06:58,985 --> 00:07:01,345
I�sat�down�with�Jason
and�Lauren�Katz,
130
00:07:01,387 --> 00:07:04,457
a�Toronto�couple�who
sponsored�a�Syrian�family
earlier�this�year,
131
00:07:04,490 --> 00:07:06,430
to�get�their�take.
132
00:07:06,459 --> 00:07:11,229
We�knew�we�had�to�do�something
the�second�we�saw�all�those
poor�people�on�the�news,
133
00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:13,034
being�sponsored
by�our�neighbors.
134
00:07:13,065 --> 00:07:16,265
As�someone�who�came
as�a�refugee�from�Winnipeg...
135
00:07:16,302 --> 00:07:17,642
Oh.
136
00:07:17,670 --> 00:07:21,140
...I�imagine�the�family
you�brought�over
is�very�grateful.
137
00:07:21,174 --> 00:07:22,884
-We�like�to�think�so.
-(CHUCKLES)
138
00:07:22,909 --> 00:07:26,279
AISHA:��Nizar�Aziz
is�an�ex-astrophysicist
turned�Uber�driver.
139
00:07:26,312 --> 00:07:31,082
His�wife�Vivian�is�a�former
corporate�attorney
now�working�at�Dollarama.
140
00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:33,887
Look,�we're�just�grateful
to�not�live�in�a�war�zone.
141
00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:35,250
So�grateful.
142
00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:37,588
And�that's�what�we�keep
reminding�ourselves
whenever...
143
00:07:38,257 --> 00:07:39,287
Whenever�what?
144
00:07:39,325 --> 00:07:41,525
Uh,�nothing.
145
00:07:41,561 --> 00:07:43,061
Toronto�is...
146
00:07:43,095 --> 00:07:44,155
Fine.
147
00:07:44,197 --> 00:07:45,867
Yes!�Totally�fine.
148
00:07:47,533 --> 00:07:50,103
I�mean,�it's�not�as
sophisticated�as�Damascus...
149
00:07:50,136 --> 00:07:54,966
But,�but�there�are�some�very
decent-ish�restaurants.
150
00:07:55,007 --> 00:07:57,007
If�you�like�eating
at�Milestones.
151
00:07:57,043 --> 00:07:58,313
JASON:��Oh,�man,
a�few�days�ago,
152
00:07:58,344 --> 00:08:00,054
we�took�Nizar�and�Vivian
to�Milestones,�right?
153
00:08:00,079 --> 00:08:01,409
(LAUGHS)�Oh,�yeah.
154
00:08:01,447 --> 00:08:03,417
You�should've
seen�their�faces.
155
00:08:03,449 --> 00:08:05,119
It�was�like�they�couldn't
believe�that�people
ate�this�way.
156
00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:06,321
(BOTH�LAUGHING)
157
00:08:06,352 --> 00:08:08,752
I�cannot�believe
people�eat�that�way.
158
00:08:08,788 --> 00:08:10,418
So,�why�didn't�you
say�something?
159
00:08:10,456 --> 00:08:12,426
We�don't�want�to�embarrass
Jason�and�Lauren.
160
00:08:12,458 --> 00:08:15,628
We�know�how�important
it�is�to�them�to�feel�like
our�saviors,
161
00:08:15,661 --> 00:08:18,531
so�we�just�do�the
respectful�thing
162
00:08:18,564 --> 00:08:20,734
and�lie�about
how�impressed�we�are.
163
00:08:20,766 --> 00:08:22,266
NAZIR:�Watch�this.
164
00:08:22,301 --> 00:08:24,301
Mmm,�potato�skins!
165
00:08:25,104 --> 00:08:26,244
(BOTH�LAUGHING)
166
00:08:26,272 --> 00:08:28,642
It's�just�so�inspiring
to�see�these�people
167
00:08:28,674 --> 00:08:32,914
experience�luxuries
that�all�of�us�just
take�for�granted.
168
00:08:32,945 --> 00:08:38,045
Like,�something�as�basic
as�the�TTC�blows�their�minds.
169
00:08:38,084 --> 00:08:41,054
It�blows�my�mind
how�basic�the�TTC�is.
170
00:08:41,087 --> 00:08:43,917
It's�just�a�"U"�with�a�line
running�through�it!
171
00:08:43,956 --> 00:08:45,586
(LAUGHING)
Who�did�your�urban�planning,
172
00:08:45,625 --> 00:08:47,325
a�dumb�six�year-old?�(LAUGHS)
173
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,260
AISHA:��But�as�the�Azizes
would�soon�find�out,
174
00:08:49,295 --> 00:08:51,155
their�biggest�challenge...
175
00:08:51,197 --> 00:08:52,867
-Okay,�be�cool,�it's�them.
-...was�yet�to�come.
176
00:08:52,899 --> 00:08:54,229
Jason,�hi!
177
00:08:54,967 --> 00:08:56,937
Nothing�much,�you�know.
178
00:08:56,969 --> 00:08:59,409
Just�marveling
at�the�conveniences
of�Western�life�as�usual.
179
00:08:59,438 --> 00:09:01,568
Whoa,�running�water!
180
00:09:03,476 --> 00:09:04,906
You�want�us�to�meet�you�where?
181
00:09:05,811 --> 00:09:07,111
So...
182
00:09:07,146 --> 00:09:09,776
This�is�called
a�double�double.
183
00:09:17,323 --> 00:09:19,063
-I�can't.
-Nizar!
184
00:09:19,091 --> 00:09:21,191
I'm�sorry.�It's�just�so�bad.
185
00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:24,162
Right?
186
00:09:24,196 --> 00:09:25,626
It�tastes�like�garbage�water.
187
00:09:25,665 --> 00:09:28,195
Then�why�are�you
so�proud�of�this�place?
188
00:09:28,234 --> 00:09:30,604
Because�the�commercials
tell�us�to�be?
189
00:09:30,636 --> 00:09:33,236
Hey,�do�you�guys�want�to�go
to�the�indie�coffee�shop
down�the�street?
190
00:09:33,272 --> 00:09:35,112
-Yeah,�let's�go!
-Yeah.
191
00:09:35,141 --> 00:09:37,141
AISHA:��Lying�to�spare
people's�feelings?
192
00:09:37,176 --> 00:09:38,436
Hating�Toronto?
193
00:09:38,477 --> 00:09:40,747
Secretly�thinking
Tim's�coffee�sucks?
194
00:09:40,780 --> 00:09:43,980
Sounds�like�these�refugees�are
assimilating�to�Canadian�life
195
00:09:44,016 --> 00:09:46,516
even�better�than
their�sponsors�realized.
196
00:09:46,552 --> 00:09:49,492
For�The�Beaverton,
I'm�Aisha�Alfa.
197
00:09:49,522 --> 00:09:51,092
Thanks,�Aisha,
for�that�excellent�report.
198
00:09:51,123 --> 00:09:53,933
She�can't�hear�you.
199
00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:56,360
At��The�Beaverton,
we�report�the�news
you�want�to�hear.
200
00:09:56,395 --> 00:09:58,095
This�week,�the�headline
with�the�most�upvotes,
201
00:09:58,130 --> 00:10:00,330
and�therefore
the�most�deserving
of�coverage,
202
00:10:00,366 --> 00:10:03,836
Five�War�Atrocities�Only
'90s�Kids�Remember.
203
00:10:03,869 --> 00:10:05,299
Number�five,�Sierra�Leone.
204
00:10:05,338 --> 00:10:07,638
From��Big�Shiny�Tunes
to�big�shiny�machetes,
205
00:10:07,673 --> 00:10:12,513
nothing�says�'90s
like�a�severed�limb
wearing�a�slap�bracelet!
206
00:10:12,545 --> 00:10:15,875
We�discussed�this�morning
I�wanted�no�part�in
making�light�of�tragedy,
207
00:10:15,915 --> 00:10:18,175
but�I�am�a�professional
and�this�is�my�job,
208
00:10:18,217 --> 00:10:20,317
so�number�four�is�Angola.
209
00:10:20,353 --> 00:10:21,493
It�was�terrible.
210
00:10:22,355 --> 00:10:23,785
(EMMA�CLEARS�THROAT)
211
00:10:23,823 --> 00:10:25,663
As�terrible�as�the�graphics
on�Sega�Genesis.
212
00:10:25,691 --> 00:10:27,391
(LAUGHS)
213
00:10:27,426 --> 00:10:30,226
Number�three.
Running�out�of�frosting
with�half�your�Dunkaroos�left.
214
00:10:30,262 --> 00:10:31,362
Talk�about�a�real�tragedy.
215
00:10:32,898 --> 00:10:34,668
Okay,�so,
this�graphic�is�wrong.
216
00:10:34,700 --> 00:10:37,600
The�Hutus�were
the�perpetrators.
217
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:40,037
And�the�prompter�is�giving
me�a�Stone�Temple�Pilots
reference
218
00:10:40,072 --> 00:10:42,642
that�I�do�not�understand.
219
00:10:42,675 --> 00:10:44,975
And�at�number�one,
the�Energizer�Bunny
of�ethnic�cleansing,
220
00:10:45,011 --> 00:10:47,681
Slobodan...�(MUMBLES)
221
00:10:47,713 --> 00:10:50,683
In�Slovenia,�Croatia,
Bosnia,�Kosovo,
222
00:10:50,716 --> 00:10:52,486
he�just�kept�going
and�going�and�going...
223
00:10:52,518 --> 00:10:55,118
Let's�cut�to�commercial
before�we�traumatize
any�more�survivors.
224
00:10:55,154 --> 00:10:58,394
After�the�break,�homeless
people's�most�epic
social�media�fails.
225
00:10:59,792 --> 00:11:01,062
-Slobodan�Milosovic...
-(MUMBLING�GIBBERISH)
226
00:11:01,093 --> 00:11:02,163
He�was�one�of
the�worst�people
227
00:11:02,194 --> 00:11:04,234
-of�that�era...
-(MUMBLING�GIBBERISH)
228
00:11:04,263 --> 00:11:06,173
-You�shouldn't�be�making
light�of�anything...
-EMMA:�(LAUGHING)�It's�okay.
229
00:11:10,870 --> 00:11:12,270
(AUDIENCE�CHEERING
AND�APPLAUDING)
230
00:11:16,442 --> 00:11:18,542
Coming�up�later
on��The�Beaverton...
231
00:11:18,577 --> 00:11:21,647
EMMA:��The�World�Bowling
Championship�was�canceled
this�weekend
232
00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:25,651
due�to�a�scheduling�conflict
with�an�eight-year-old's
birthday�party.
233
00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:27,145
MIGUEL:��The�Atlantic
Lottery�Corporation
234
00:11:27,186 --> 00:11:29,316
commits�to�cracking�down
on�problem�gambling
235
00:11:29,355 --> 00:11:32,555
with�their�new
Russian�Roulette�centers.
236
00:11:32,591 --> 00:11:35,661
EMMA:��And�are�the�Liberals
falling�short�of�their
campaign�promise
237
00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:38,655
to�be�cool�dudes
with�chill�attitudes?
238
00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:41,668
Now�it's�time�to�check�in�with
our�expert�in�all�things�tech,
239
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:42,901
Dave�Barclay.
240
00:11:47,139 --> 00:11:49,939
A�new�travel�app�has�been
getting�some�massive�buzz.
241
00:11:49,975 --> 00:11:52,335
Thumbed,�which�Palo�Alto
insiders�have�dubbed
242
00:11:52,378 --> 00:11:54,248
"Uber�for�hitchhikers,"
243
00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:58,150
promises�to�revolutionize
the�way�we�get�into�cars
with�strangers.
244
00:11:58,184 --> 00:12:00,224
Gone�are�the�days�of�sticking
out�your�thumb�for�hours
245
00:12:00,252 --> 00:12:03,222
waiting�for�a�kind�stranger
or�potential�psycho.
246
00:12:03,255 --> 00:12:05,485
Now,�simply�mark�your�location
on�the�GPS
247
00:12:05,524 --> 00:12:08,794
and�choose�whether
you�want�to�murder,
be�murdered,
248
00:12:08,828 --> 00:12:11,728
or�just�watch
and�have�a�secret.
249
00:12:11,764 --> 00:12:14,074
What�do�you�make
of�claims�that�Thumbed
underpays�its�drivers?
250
00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:15,627
Yep.
251
00:12:18,204 --> 00:12:21,544
Now,�our�next�app
is�for�the�ladies!
252
00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:25,484
Girls,�how�annoying�is�it
to�walk�down�the�street
and�get�yelled�at�by�creeps?
253
00:12:25,511 --> 00:12:26,881
It's�vile.
254
00:12:26,912 --> 00:12:28,312
I'm�also�against�that.
255
00:12:28,347 --> 00:12:30,347
Don't�you�wish
there�was�an�easier�way?
256
00:12:30,382 --> 00:12:33,622
Well,�your�prayers�have
been�answered�by�the
developers�of�Caterwaul,
257
00:12:33,652 --> 00:12:35,022
the�latest�way
to�be�objectified
258
00:12:35,054 --> 00:12:37,464
by�the�random�men
in�your�life.
259
00:12:37,490 --> 00:12:40,030
Anyone�who�owns�a�phone
and�decides�he�deserves�you
260
00:12:40,059 --> 00:12:43,699
can�discreetly�send
sexually�aggressive�threats
directly�to�your�device.
261
00:12:43,729 --> 00:12:45,459
Do�they�expect
women�to�buy�this?
262
00:12:45,498 --> 00:12:47,268
(CHUCKLES)�Of�course�not.
263
00:12:47,299 --> 00:12:49,869
With�Caterwaul's�innovative
"Meow-sogyny"�system,
264
00:12:49,902 --> 00:12:54,372
random�bros�in�your�area�can
load�the�app�onto�your�phone
whether�you�want�it�or�not.
265
00:12:54,406 --> 00:12:56,836
And�they're�pretty�sure
you�know�you�want�it.
266
00:12:58,544 --> 00:13:00,784
For�instance,�Emma,
check�your�phone.
267
00:13:00,813 --> 00:13:03,953
(CHUCKLING)
Oh,�okay,�that's�cool.
268
00:13:03,983 --> 00:13:05,993
Oh,�gross,�Dave.
269
00:13:06,018 --> 00:13:08,118
This�is�textbook
sexual�harassment.
270
00:13:08,154 --> 00:13:10,764
Uh-uh.
Read�the�terms�and�conditions.
271
00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:14,130
It�states�Emma�implicitly
agreed�to�receive
genital�photographs
272
00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:16,160
by�being�a�woman�who�is�alive.
273
00:13:18,397 --> 00:13:20,297
Why�does�it�curve�downward?
274
00:13:20,332 --> 00:13:22,842
Oh,�it's,�uh...�It's�still
in�the�beta�testing.
(CHUCKLES)
275
00:13:22,868 --> 00:13:24,838
Your�tattoo�has�a�typo.
276
00:13:24,870 --> 00:13:26,640
Oh,�no,�that's�how
I�spell�"Dragon".
277
00:13:26,672 --> 00:13:29,342
So,�are�the�balls�on�the�top?
278
00:13:29,375 --> 00:13:30,635
It's�a�totally
fine�penis,�okay?
279
00:13:32,611 --> 00:13:33,611
(DAVE�SIGHS)
280
00:13:37,149 --> 00:13:39,389
Taking�a�page�from
Gwyneth�Paltrow's��Goop,
281
00:13:39,418 --> 00:13:43,258
Canadian�literary�icon
Margaret�Atwood�has�made
a�controversial�career�pivot
282
00:13:43,289 --> 00:13:45,589
by�launching�her
own�lifestyle�brand.
283
00:13:45,624 --> 00:13:47,834
Atwood's��4lorn�promises�to�be
284
00:13:47,860 --> 00:13:50,460
the�online�magazine�for
the�postmodern�feminist
285
00:13:50,496 --> 00:13:53,126
surviving�in
the�malevolent�North.
286
00:13:53,165 --> 00:13:54,995
There�will�also
be�a�baking�section.
287
00:13:56,035 --> 00:13:57,765
While��4lorn's�articles�on
288
00:13:57,803 --> 00:14:00,943
"Super�foods
for�the�climate�apocalypse"
have�received�a�lot�of�shares,
289
00:14:00,973 --> 00:14:03,143
some�have�criticized
its�hairstyling�tips.
290
00:14:04,376 --> 00:14:06,776
Following�suit,
Nobel�Prize�winner�Alice�Munro
291
00:14:06,812 --> 00:14:08,912
has�also�released
a�lifestyle�blog,
292
00:14:08,948 --> 00:14:11,548
catering�mostly�to
small-town�people
who�want�to�look�fabulous
293
00:14:11,584 --> 00:14:13,124
while�facing
a�late�life�crisis
294
00:14:13,152 --> 00:14:15,652
rooted�in�an�act�of�violence
they�witnessed�as�a�child.
295
00:14:17,289 --> 00:14:19,159
The�RCMP�is�launching
a�task�force
296
00:14:19,191 --> 00:14:22,191
to�finally�start�cracking�down
on�white-collar�crime.
297
00:14:22,228 --> 00:14:25,098
MIGUEL:��We're�joined�now�by
RCMP�spokesman�Thomas�Veroni.
298
00:14:25,130 --> 00:14:27,200
Sir,�why�now?
299
00:14:27,233 --> 00:14:28,473
The�people�have�had�enough.
300
00:14:28,500 --> 00:14:30,070
After�the
Panama�Papers�scandal,
301
00:14:30,102 --> 00:14:33,242
we�took�a�cold,�hard�look
at�white-collar�criminals,
302
00:14:33,272 --> 00:14:36,112
and�we�were�shocked�by�how
many�of�them�were�minorities.
303
00:14:41,313 --> 00:14:43,223
Sorry,�minorities?
304
00:14:43,249 --> 00:14:47,919
Yes.�You�hear�"bank�fraud"
and�you�just�assume�it's�a�guy
in�pleated�khakis�named�Jim.
305
00:14:47,953 --> 00:14:51,023
We�don't�have�a�lot�of
experience�targeting
guys�like�that.
306
00:14:51,056 --> 00:14:52,956
But�thanks�to�social�progress,
307
00:14:52,992 --> 00:14:57,302
some�white-collar�criminals
are�black,�South�Asian,
even�Aboriginal.
308
00:14:57,329 --> 00:15:02,669
Once�we�found�that�out,
we�were�like,�"Ba-bam!
Right�in�our�wheelhouse."
309
00:15:02,701 --> 00:15:04,771
Are�you�saying�minorities
commit�corporate�crimes
310
00:15:04,803 --> 00:15:06,413
at�higher�rates
than�white�men?
311
00:15:06,438 --> 00:15:08,408
Oh,�no.�Absolutely�not.
312
00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:11,240
All�I'm�saying�is�that
we�didn't�care�about
insider�trading
313
00:15:11,277 --> 00:15:13,707
when�white�people�were
the�only�ones�doing�it,
314
00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:15,106
and�now�we�care�a�lot.
315
00:15:16,715 --> 00:15:19,015
So�what's�the�strategy
for�this�task�force?
316
00:15:19,051 --> 00:15:22,221
Are�you�hiring�more
forensic�accountants
and�former�bankers?
317
00:15:22,254 --> 00:15:24,264
Oh,�of�course�not.�(CHUCKLES)
318
00:15:24,290 --> 00:15:28,290
We're�adapting�the�techniques
we�mastered�over�the�years
of�prosecuting�ethnic�groups.
319
00:15:28,327 --> 00:15:29,957
Carding�black�stock-traders,
320
00:15:29,995 --> 00:15:33,625
pulling�over�black�men
driving�down�Bay�Street
in�fancy�cars,
321
00:15:33,666 --> 00:15:35,466
kettling�black�CEOs.
322
00:15:36,302 --> 00:15:37,472
You�know,�the�classics.
323
00:15:39,338 --> 00:15:41,868
Wait.�So�are�you�just
rounding�up�wealthy�black�men?
324
00:15:42,541 --> 00:15:43,781
And�black�women.
325
00:15:43,809 --> 00:15:44,979
Okay.
326
00:15:45,010 --> 00:15:46,050
They�can�commit�fraud�too.
327
00:15:46,078 --> 00:15:50,018
This�is,�after�all,
Justin�Trudeau's�Canada.
328
00:15:50,049 --> 00:15:53,849
I�don't�think�incarcerating
more�people�of�color
is�what�he�had�in�mind.
329
00:15:53,886 --> 00:15:56,916
Oh,�so�you're�against
minorities�succeeding�enough
in�the�corporate�world
330
00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:59,116
to�start�committing�fraud?
(LAUGHS)
331
00:15:59,158 --> 00:16:00,158
Now�who's�racist?
332
00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:02,360
Still�you.
333
00:16:04,129 --> 00:16:06,069
When�we�return,
334
00:16:06,098 --> 00:16:08,298
is�Winnipeg�ready
for�a�Mega-Tsunami?
335
00:16:22,214 --> 00:16:23,854
For�most�couples,
a�trip�to�IKEA
336
00:16:23,882 --> 00:16:26,152
can�be�a�relationship-testing
experience.
337
00:16:26,185 --> 00:16:28,045
In�response�to�this�issue,
338
00:16:28,087 --> 00:16:30,917
the�Swedish�furniture�giant
is�offering�a�new�service,
divorce.
339
00:16:32,524 --> 00:16:34,594
IKEA�says�93%�of�couples
340
00:16:34,626 --> 00:16:37,956
cannot�survive
a�five-hour�odyssey
through�the�showroom.
341
00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:39,227
With�their�new�divorce�kiosk,
342
00:16:39,264 --> 00:16:41,104
you�can�legally
dissolve�your�marriage
343
00:16:41,133 --> 00:16:43,903
in�the�time�it�takes
to�assemble�the�daybed
you'll�be�sleeping�on
344
00:16:43,936 --> 00:16:46,566
until�you�can�find
your�own�place.
345
00:16:46,605 --> 00:16:48,665
One�satisfied�customer
explained,
346
00:16:48,707 --> 00:16:51,037
"We�went�in,
fought�over�a�kitchen�design,
347
00:16:51,076 --> 00:16:52,676
"cried�while�eating�meatballs,
348
00:16:52,711 --> 00:16:55,581
"then�efficiently�divided
our�marital�assets.
349
00:16:55,614 --> 00:16:58,684
"We�also�got�candles."
350
00:16:58,717 --> 00:17:01,447
It's�regrettable,
but�there�is�no�Allen�key
to�the�human�heart.
351
00:17:01,487 --> 00:17:02,487
Don't.
352
00:17:04,456 --> 00:17:06,626
Let's�go�now�to�a�special
report�by�Eddie�Zheng,
353
00:17:06,658 --> 00:17:09,428
the�original�bad-boy
restaurateur.
354
00:17:09,461 --> 00:17:10,961
EDDIE:��Name's�Eddie�Zheng,
355
00:17:10,996 --> 00:17:13,466
my�restaurant's�called
Dim�Sum�of�All�Fears.
356
00:17:13,499 --> 00:17:15,529
I�never�wanted�to�be�an
award-winning�chef...
357
00:17:15,567 --> 00:17:17,937
-Whoo-hoo!
-...but�this�is�the�food
I�grew�up�loving,
358
00:17:17,970 --> 00:17:21,240
so�eventually,
I�was�like,�fuck�it.
359
00:17:21,273 --> 00:17:24,013
Is�that�all�you�got,
you�dumb�motherfucker?
(LAUGHING)
360
00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:26,613
Yo,�check�it.
Today,�I'm�hitting�up
361
00:17:26,645 --> 00:17:28,675
the�St.�Lawrence�Factory
Farmer's�Market.
362
00:17:28,714 --> 00:17:31,754
Yo,�this�my�man
Trevor�MacNamara.
363
00:17:31,784 --> 00:17:34,554
Suckers�waste�money
on�rinky-dink�local�farm�shit,
364
00:17:34,586 --> 00:17:35,716
but�if�you�want�great�food,
365
00:17:35,754 --> 00:17:38,164
come�on,
you�need�great�produce.
366
00:17:38,190 --> 00:17:41,360
Our�farm,�it's�so�great,
you�can�see�it
from�outer�space.
367
00:17:43,328 --> 00:17:44,328
(SCREAMS�WILDLY)
368
00:17:45,364 --> 00:17:46,904
Right�here!
369
00:17:46,932 --> 00:17:48,672
-Oh!
-(LAUGHS)
370
00:17:48,700 --> 00:17:51,240
Yo,�man,
what's�in�these�coolers?
371
00:17:51,270 --> 00:17:53,210
Well,�a�lot�of�our�customers
prefer�a�certain
372
00:17:53,238 --> 00:17:55,768
factory�farm-to-table
experience,�so...
373
00:17:57,443 --> 00:18:01,353
Yo,�you�telling�me�there's
a�live�chicken�up�in�here?
374
00:18:01,380 --> 00:18:03,020
Ten�chickens.�(LAUGHS)
375
00:18:03,048 --> 00:18:04,948
(IMITATING�ZAPPING)
Chicken's�ready.
376
00:18:04,983 --> 00:18:06,453
You're�right,�chicken�tonight.
377
00:18:06,485 --> 00:18:08,485
Presentation�is
everything,�fam.
378
00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:11,460
Yo,�why's�this�milk
all�yellow�and�shit?
379
00:18:11,490 --> 00:18:12,930
It's�factory-farm
whole�milk,�dude.
380
00:18:12,958 --> 00:18:14,858
Still�got�the�pus�in�it.
(CHUCKLES)
381
00:18:14,893 --> 00:18:18,203
Yo.�So,�what's�this�mean�for,
like,�society�and�shit?
382
00:18:18,230 --> 00:18:20,000
Before�the�factory-farming
movement,
383
00:18:20,032 --> 00:18:22,902
only�rich�people
could�afford�to�eat�nitrates
with�every�meal.
384
00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:24,965
But�now,�because�of�us,
other�way�'round.
385
00:18:25,003 --> 00:18:26,943
Yeah,�straight�up.
386
00:18:26,972 --> 00:18:30,912
Everybody�should�have
the�opportunity�to�eat�like
a�16th-century�king
387
00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:32,983
who's�going�to�have
a�heart�attack�at�35.
388
00:18:33,011 --> 00:18:34,481
-What?
-(LAUGHS)
389
00:18:34,513 --> 00:18:37,453
Yeah,�so,�Hot�T,�what�am�I
purchasing�tonight?
390
00:18:37,483 --> 00:18:39,523
Dude,�I�have�just�the�thing.
391
00:18:39,551 --> 00:18:44,521
This�chuck�roast�is
genetically�engineered
to�keep�bleeding.
392
00:18:44,556 --> 00:18:47,086
And�not�only�that,
it�still�feels�pain,�dude.
393
00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:49,956
Oh,�damn!
394
00:18:49,995 --> 00:18:53,095
My�man's�taken�fresh�food
to�a�whole�'nother�level.
395
00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:54,532
Yeah!
396
00:18:54,566 --> 00:18:57,036
Ha!�We�eating�tonight,
bitches.
397
00:18:57,069 --> 00:18:59,169
You�vegetarian?
Go�fuck�yourself.
398
00:19:01,607 --> 00:19:02,667
Tastes�good,�boys.
399
00:19:04,209 --> 00:19:06,309
You�know,
at�the�end�of�the�day,
400
00:19:06,345 --> 00:19:09,205
the�game's�about
what�it's�always�been�about.
401
00:19:09,248 --> 00:19:11,418
Good�friends,
food�for�the�people,
402
00:19:11,450 --> 00:19:15,620
and�only�the�very,�very,�very
freshest�of�ingredients.
403
00:19:15,654 --> 00:19:19,264
This�is��The�Beaverton,
and�I'm�your�boy�Eddie�Zheng.
404
00:19:19,291 --> 00:19:21,831
Ooh!�You�taste�that�heartbeat?
405
00:19:24,062 --> 00:19:27,072
Sometimes,�we�at
The�Beaverton�make�mistakes.
406
00:19:27,099 --> 00:19:28,999
Last�week,
I�gave�favorable�coverage
407
00:19:29,034 --> 00:19:33,714
of�certain�Canadian
financial�institutions
that�some�people
408
00:19:33,739 --> 00:19:37,979
believe�constituted
a�conflict�of�interest.
409
00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:41,610
During�my�investigative�report
on�how�TD�Bank
is�the�best�in�the�nation,
410
00:19:41,647 --> 00:19:44,847
I�should�have�noted
that�I�have�been
employed�by�TD
411
00:19:44,883 --> 00:19:47,823
to�do�corporate�events
in�the�past.
412
00:19:47,853 --> 00:19:50,493
And�despite�the�fact�that�it
would�have�disrupted�the�flow,
413
00:19:50,522 --> 00:19:53,292
my�financial�ties�to�BMO
should�have�been�mentioned
414
00:19:53,325 --> 00:19:55,525
during�my�musical�tribute
BMO�is�Gonna�Rock�You.
415
00:19:57,663 --> 00:20:00,903
Oh�and,�um,�I�am�sorry
I�bit�the�network's�auditor
416
00:20:00,933 --> 00:20:03,703
when�he�tried�to�look
at�my�financial�statements.
417
00:20:03,735 --> 00:20:07,235
I'm�sorry,�Rob,�I�don't�know
why�it�hasn't�healed�yet.
418
00:20:09,975 --> 00:20:12,975
You�know...�Sorry...
419
00:20:13,011 --> 00:20:15,611
(SHAKILY)�This�has�been
a�humbling�experience.
420
00:20:15,647 --> 00:20:19,477
And�if�I�could�just�speak
from�the�heart�for�a�moment,
421
00:20:19,518 --> 00:20:22,548
I�would�like�to�thank
my�co-host,�Miguel,
422
00:20:22,588 --> 00:20:25,388
no,�for�standing�by
and�encouraging�me
423
00:20:25,424 --> 00:20:27,034
while�I�was�manipulating
these�stories.
424
00:20:30,862 --> 00:20:32,102
You�always�have�my�back...
425
00:20:32,130 --> 00:20:33,200
Well...
426
00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:35,402
...no�matter�how
unethical�my�behavior.
427
00:20:35,434 --> 00:20:37,474
You�are�a�true�friend...
428
00:20:37,502 --> 00:20:39,042
Sorry.
429
00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:42,511
...some�might�even�say,
accomplice.
430
00:20:42,541 --> 00:20:44,641
Just�to...�Just�to�clarify,
I�didn't�have�anything�to...
431
00:20:44,676 --> 00:20:47,476
It�is�you�and�me,�Miguel.
432
00:20:47,512 --> 00:20:50,022
For��The�Beaverton,
I'm�Emma�Hunter.
433
00:20:50,048 --> 00:20:52,118
And�I'm�Miguel�Rivas,
who�would�like�to�point�out,
434
00:20:52,150 --> 00:20:54,950
once�again,�I�had�nothing
to�do�with�any�of�these
transgressions,
435
00:20:54,987 --> 00:20:56,857
-and�being�lumped�in...
-If�I�ever�needed�to
get�out�of�jail,
436
00:20:56,888 --> 00:20:58,188
he�would�be�the�guy
I�would�call.
437
00:20:58,223 --> 00:20:59,733
She's�okay
once�you�get�to�know�her,
438
00:20:59,758 --> 00:21:01,028
but�she�kinda�goes
off�the�rails�sometimes...
439
00:21:01,059 --> 00:21:03,429
And�that�hasn't�happened�yet,
but�if�it�did...
440
00:21:03,462 --> 00:21:04,832
(AUDIENCE�CHEERING
AND�APPLAUDING)
40155