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1
00:00:04,771 --> 00:00:09,341
Donald�J.�Trump
has�been�elected�President.
Is�this�America's�9/11?
2
00:00:11,144 --> 00:00:12,784
MIGUEL:��We�finally�have
an�answer�to�the�question
3
00:00:12,812 --> 00:00:16,322
of�whether�the�US
is�more�racist�or�sexist?
4
00:00:16,349 --> 00:00:19,419
EMMA:��With�Trump's�victory,
Hillary�Clinton�now�makes
an�important�decision,
5
00:00:19,452 --> 00:00:21,722
which�prison�gang�to�join.
6
00:00:23,957 --> 00:00:25,757
(THEME�PLAYING)
7
00:00:38,838 --> 00:00:39,968
Welcome�to��The�Beaverton,
8
00:00:40,006 --> 00:00:41,666
the�news�show�that�will
make�the�apocalypse
9
00:00:41,708 --> 00:00:44,508
we�are�currently�living�in
slightly�more�palatable.
10
00:00:44,544 --> 00:00:45,784
I'm�Miguel�Rivas.
11
00:00:45,812 --> 00:00:48,012
And�I'm�future�road�warrior,
Emma�Hunter.
12
00:00:49,282 --> 00:00:51,222
Our�top�story,
13
00:00:51,251 --> 00:00:55,321
sad�news�as�the�United�States
was�found�dead�last�night
in�its�North�America�home.
14
00:00:55,355 --> 00:00:57,815
Investigators�have�ruled
the�death�a�suicide,
15
00:00:57,857 --> 00:01:00,927
the�result�of�300�million
gunshot�wounds�to�the�foot.
16
00:01:01,861 --> 00:01:05,471
The�nation�was�only�240.
17
00:01:05,498 --> 00:01:09,938
Recently,�neighbors�became
concerned�when�the�nation
started�arguing�with�itself,
18
00:01:09,969 --> 00:01:15,879
developed�type�2�diabetes,
and�yelled�at�brown�kids
to�get�off�its�lawn.
19
00:01:15,909 --> 00:01:19,509
America�leaves�behind
its�children,�Puerto�Rico,
Guam,�the�Virgin�Islands,
20
00:01:19,546 --> 00:01:22,846
and�its�estranged�stepchild,
Guantanamo�Bay.
21
00:01:22,882 --> 00:01:27,522
In�lieu�of�flowers,
the�family�asks�that�you�send
bombs�to�the�Middle�East.
22
00:01:27,554 --> 00:01:29,394
In�directly�related�news,
23
00:01:29,422 --> 00:01:34,332
the�United�States�made�history
by�electing�its�first�ever
sociopath�president.
24
00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:38,300
Now,�parents�of�kids
who�show�no�remorse
and�draw�disturbing�pictures
25
00:01:38,331 --> 00:01:41,841
can�look�into�their�children's
cold,�soulless�eyes�and�say,
26
00:01:41,868 --> 00:01:44,298
"You�can�be�president�too.
27
00:01:44,337 --> 00:01:47,637
"Oh,�my�God,�what�did�you�do
to�all�those�hamsters?"
28
00:01:47,674 --> 00:01:51,384
Previously,�sociopaths
were�pushed�to
the�margins�of�society,
29
00:01:51,411 --> 00:01:56,451
forced�into�asylums,
or�relegated�to�the�corner
offices�on�Wall�Street.
30
00:01:56,483 --> 00:01:59,393
Despite�a�system
that�was�totally�rigged
against�him,
31
00:01:59,419 --> 00:02:04,359
The�Donald�managed�to�clinch
the�presidency�by�uniting�a
diverse�network�of�Americans,
32
00:02:04,390 --> 00:02:08,900
including�yellers,�screamers,
MRA�groups,�NRA�members,
33
00:02:08,928 --> 00:02:11,828
MMA�fans,�MBAs,�the�KKK,
34
00:02:11,865 --> 00:02:15,435
and�the�American�Association
of�Acronym�Enthusiasts...
35
00:02:15,468 --> 00:02:18,168
Acronym�pending.
36
00:02:18,204 --> 00:02:21,814
But�questions�remain
about�Trump's�ability�to�lead
a�divided�America.
37
00:02:21,841 --> 00:02:23,211
Can�he�work�with�his�critics?
38
00:02:23,243 --> 00:02:26,983
How�many�Syrian�refugees
will�he�deport�back�to�Mexico?
39
00:02:27,013 --> 00:02:29,923
Are�journalists�to�be
imprisoned�or�simply�shot?
40
00:02:29,949 --> 00:02:33,649
His�campaign�had
more�references�to�genitalia
than�policy�details,
41
00:02:33,686 --> 00:02:35,286
so�it's�difficult�to�say
what�will�happen
42
00:02:35,321 --> 00:02:39,931
once�the�new�president
moves�into�the�Trump
White�House�and�Casino.
43
00:02:39,959 --> 00:02:42,359
With�only�two�months�left
in�his�presidency,
44
00:02:42,395 --> 00:02:44,325
Barack�Obama�must�now�turn
45
00:02:44,364 --> 00:02:47,334
to�the�busy�work
of�Trump-proofing
the�White�House.
46
00:02:47,367 --> 00:02:50,697
Obama�has�already�dismantled
the�drone�strike�program,
47
00:02:50,737 --> 00:02:54,207
gave�several�billion�dollars
in�cash�to�Planned�Parenthood,
48
00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:59,310
and�put�foam�protectors
on�the�sharp�tips�of
America's�nuclear�warheads.
49
00:02:59,345 --> 00:03:01,445
Additionally,
he's�placed�safety�plugs
50
00:03:01,481 --> 00:03:06,821
in�all�of�the�White�House
electrical�outlets�to�protect
Trump's�tiny�fingers,
51
00:03:06,853 --> 00:03:09,823
a�baby�gate�on�the�stairs
to�the�Situation�Room,
52
00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:13,626
and�installed
safety�latches�on�all
female�staffer's�pussies.
53
00:03:15,161 --> 00:03:17,601
Once�his�presidential�duties
are�complete,
54
00:03:17,630 --> 00:03:24,040
Obama�intends�to�leave
Washington�and�move�back
to�his�home�state,�Kenya.
55
00:03:24,070 --> 00:03:27,670
Donald�Trump�isn't�the�only
big�orange�winner
that�shocked�the�electorate.
56
00:03:27,707 --> 00:03:31,037
Rachel�Notley's�NDP
won�an�unprecedented�victory
in�Alberta
57
00:03:31,077 --> 00:03:32,547
more�than�a�year�ago.
58
00:03:32,579 --> 00:03:34,949
But�has�she�been�able�to�win
over�her�harshest�critics?
59
00:03:34,981 --> 00:03:37,251
For�more�on�how
"No,�she�has�not,"
60
00:03:37,283 --> 00:03:40,723
we�go�to�our�own
Laura�Cilevitz.
61
00:03:40,753 --> 00:03:43,323
LAURA:��Since�taking�power
in�May�2015,
62
00:03:43,356 --> 00:03:45,686
NDP�premier�Rachel�Notley�has,
63
00:03:45,725 --> 00:03:48,025
according�to�Conservative
uncles�everywhere,
64
00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:50,661
been�a�disaster�for�Alberta.
65
00:03:50,697 --> 00:03:53,167
First,�she�set�fire
to�Fort�McMurray
66
00:03:53,199 --> 00:03:56,539
in�order�to�decimate
the�oil�industry.
67
00:03:56,569 --> 00:03:58,739
Then�she�caused
the�Canadian�dollar
68
00:03:58,771 --> 00:04:03,311
to�fall�to�77%�of�its�value
just�by�being�a�woman.
69
00:04:03,343 --> 00:04:07,583
But�now,�residents�of�Alberta
say�she�has�gone�even�further.
70
00:04:07,614 --> 00:04:09,854
I've�always�been�proud�to�live
in�the�wild�rose�province.
71
00:04:09,882 --> 00:04:11,782
The�backbone�of�Canada.
72
00:04:11,818 --> 00:04:13,518
But�after�what�Notley�did,
73
00:04:13,553 --> 00:04:15,563
I�don't�think�our�province
will�ever�be�the�same.
74
00:04:15,588 --> 00:04:17,788
Ms.�Notley
is�a�terrible�premier.
75
00:04:17,824 --> 00:04:20,494
She�should�resign�in�disgrace.
76
00:04:20,526 --> 00:04:22,726
What�has�premier�Notley
done�now?
77
00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:24,802
I�tried�to�start
my�own�small�business.
78
00:04:24,831 --> 00:04:26,671
But�Notley�and�her�bureaucrats
have�made�it�illegal�for�me
79
00:04:26,699 --> 00:04:28,869
to�dig�my�own
transcontinental�oil�pipeline.
80
00:04:28,901 --> 00:04:30,301
Is�that�it?
81
00:04:30,336 --> 00:04:32,836
I'm�pretty�sure�she�also�drank
all�the�milk�in�my�house.
82
00:04:32,872 --> 00:04:36,242
Rachel�Notley
and�her�progressive�attitude
to�sexuality
83
00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:39,446
convinced�my�son
to�start�touching�himself...
84
00:04:40,413 --> 00:04:41,953
Down�there.
85
00:04:41,981 --> 00:04:43,121
(WHISPERS)�His�penis.
86
00:04:44,417 --> 00:04:46,447
-How�old�is�your�son?
-Twenty-two.
87
00:04:48,054 --> 00:04:49,794
I�got�a�DUI.
88
00:04:49,822 --> 00:04:51,462
Yeah,�thanks,�Notley.
89
00:04:51,491 --> 00:04:53,731
Last�night,�Premier�Notley
came�over�to�my�house,
90
00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:56,130
crept�around�back,
ripped�open�my�garbage�bags
91
00:04:56,162 --> 00:04:58,202
and�spread�trash
around�everywhere.
92
00:04:58,231 --> 00:05:00,131
It�took�forever�to�clean�up.
93
00:05:00,166 --> 00:05:03,036
How�can�you�be�so�sure
it�was�Rachel�Notley?
94
00:05:03,069 --> 00:05:05,669
Oh,�I'd�recognize
her�musk�anywhere.
95
00:05:05,705 --> 00:05:08,875
Timmy�never�would've�done�this
when�the�Tories�were�in�power.
96
00:05:08,908 --> 00:05:11,738
Premier�Notley�made�my�wife
fall�out�of�love�with�me.
97
00:05:13,279 --> 00:05:15,419
(SOBBING)
98
00:05:16,916 --> 00:05:19,686
Rachel�Notley�convinced�my�dog
to�eat�its�own�poop.
99
00:05:19,719 --> 00:05:22,859
(SOBBING)
Why'd�you�do�it,�Ms.�Notley?
100
00:05:22,889 --> 00:05:25,329
As�you�saw,
these�Albertans�were�outraged
101
00:05:25,358 --> 00:05:27,858
that�they�are�being�led
by�a�nocturnal�garbage�monster
102
00:05:27,894 --> 00:05:29,734
who�induces�the�young
to�masturbate
103
00:05:29,762 --> 00:05:31,402
and�the�old�to�drink.
104
00:05:31,431 --> 00:05:35,301
However,�Premier�Notley�has
so�far�refused�calls�to�resign
105
00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:36,765
and�denied�these�charges,
106
00:05:36,803 --> 00:05:39,073
claiming�she�was�far�too�busy
dealing�drugs
107
00:05:39,105 --> 00:05:41,035
to�the�province's�children.
108
00:05:41,074 --> 00:05:43,614
Laura�Cilevitz,
The�Beaverton,�Calgary.
109
00:05:44,444 --> 00:05:45,654
Thanks,�Laura.
110
00:05:45,678 --> 00:05:48,918
Speaking�of�segues,
Kim�Kardashian...
111
00:05:48,948 --> 00:05:51,448
Fashion�icon,
selfie�professional,
112
00:05:51,484 --> 00:05:53,094
and�world's�most
famous�collector
113
00:05:53,119 --> 00:05:54,519
of�junk�in�the�trunk,
114
00:05:54,554 --> 00:05:57,024
has�implemented
a�new�charitable�venture,
115
00:05:57,056 --> 00:05:59,956
"Butts�For�the�Needy."
116
00:05:59,992 --> 00:06:03,602
Kardashian,�whose�own
famous�backside
has�greatly�benefited�her,
117
00:06:03,629 --> 00:06:05,729
said�she�wanted�to�give
those�less�fortunate
118
00:06:05,765 --> 00:06:08,525
the�same�thick
leg�up�she's�had.
119
00:06:08,568 --> 00:06:10,998
The�Kardashian
"Buns�for�Bums"�program
120
00:06:11,037 --> 00:06:12,937
took�to�the�streets
earlier�this�week,
121
00:06:12,972 --> 00:06:14,642
offering�the�homeless
backsides
122
00:06:14,674 --> 00:06:18,284
that�ranged�from�perky
to�"Damn,�boy."
123
00:06:18,311 --> 00:06:20,651
So�far�the�program
has�been�a�success.
124
00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:22,120
One�lucky�recipient�noted...
125
00:06:22,148 --> 00:06:25,648
(READING)
126
00:06:28,421 --> 00:06:31,091
"...and�shapely,�while�I�try
to�overcome�addiction."
127
00:06:31,124 --> 00:06:35,364
It's�always�nice�to�see�people
pull�themselves�up
by�their�butt�straps.
128
00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:37,595
Dad�jokes:
are�they�annoying?
129
00:06:37,630 --> 00:06:41,100
After�the�break,�we�explore
how�one�anchor�thinks,�"Yes."
130
00:06:45,071 --> 00:06:47,771
(AUDIENCE�APPLAUDING)
131
00:06:47,807 --> 00:06:49,907
Everybody�wants�to�know
where�they�come�from.
132
00:06:49,942 --> 00:06:52,552
And�with�today's�genealogy
websites,�everybody�can.
133
00:06:52,578 --> 00:06:54,848
But�for�a�certain�sector
of�the�population,
134
00:06:54,881 --> 00:06:56,821
there's�just�one�problem.
135
00:06:56,849 --> 00:07:00,119
Why�would�he�give�them
the�blankets
if�he�knew�they�were�infected?
136
00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:01,553
All�the�women�and�children?
137
00:07:01,587 --> 00:07:02,887
What�and�pillaging?
138
00:07:02,922 --> 00:07:04,792
Why�would�they�not
just�stop�at�pillaging?
139
00:07:04,824 --> 00:07:06,634
That's�right,�if�you're�white,
140
00:07:06,659 --> 00:07:09,799
knowing�the�truth�about
where�you�come�from
can�be�a�little�uncomfortable.
141
00:07:09,829 --> 00:07:13,029
That's�why�we're�proud
to�introduce�whitewashed.ca,
142
00:07:13,065 --> 00:07:15,065
the�first�ancestry�site
that�shows�you
143
00:07:15,101 --> 00:07:17,071
all�the�good�parts
of�your�family�history,
144
00:07:17,103 --> 00:07:19,473
but�glosses�over
the�"genocide-y"�stuff.
145
00:07:19,505 --> 00:07:23,205
Hey,�my�ancestor�ran�a�cotton
growing�co-op�in�the�1820s.
146
00:07:23,242 --> 00:07:25,212
He�was�so�ahead�of�his�time!
147
00:07:25,244 --> 00:07:28,114
It�looks�like�I�come�from
a�long�line�of�explorers!
148
00:07:28,147 --> 00:07:30,647
Grandpa�Fritz�followed�orders
for�a�living.
149
00:07:30,683 --> 00:07:32,393
That�could�mean�anything!
150
00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:34,986
ANNOUNCER:
whitewashed.ca.
151
00:07:35,021 --> 00:07:36,761
When�your�family
has�blood�on�its�hands,
152
00:07:36,789 --> 00:07:38,959
don't�worry,
just�whitewash�it�off.
153
00:07:46,699 --> 00:07:48,129
Coming�up�next...
154
00:07:48,167 --> 00:07:52,207
Don�Cherry�unveils�his�new
line�of�clothing�for�women...
155
00:07:52,238 --> 00:07:54,908
EMMA:��UNESCO�downgrades
the�Great�Barrier�Reef
156
00:07:54,941 --> 00:07:57,441
to�the�"Deece"�Barrier�Reef...
157
00:07:57,477 --> 00:08:00,747
MIGUEL:��And�the�technological
breakthrough
in�Virtual�Insanity�glasses
158
00:08:00,780 --> 00:08:03,150
let�you�experience�life
as�Jamiroquai.
159
00:08:05,418 --> 00:08:08,788
Justin�Trudeau�has�once�again
won�the�Internet.
160
00:08:08,821 --> 00:08:11,821
Our�cool�PM�posted
a�Dubsmash�video�he�recorded
161
00:08:11,858 --> 00:08:15,698
while�approving�the�new
transcontinental�oil�pipeline.
162
00:08:15,728 --> 00:08:18,558
The�viral�clip�shows�Trudeau
and�the�board�of�Kinder�Morgan
163
00:08:18,598 --> 00:08:22,468
performing�a�choreographed
routine�to�Drake's��One�Dance,
164
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:24,202
moments�after�confirming�plans
165
00:08:24,237 --> 00:08:27,337
to�build�a�pipeline
through�Indigenous�lands.
166
00:08:27,373 --> 00:08:29,883
The�video�has�had
over�10�million�views,
167
00:08:29,909 --> 00:08:32,309
nearly�as�many�as
the�shirtless�photo�of�Trudeau
168
00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:36,645
signing�an�arms�deal
with�Saudi�Arabia.
169
00:08:36,682 --> 00:08:39,592
Many�Americans�want�to�crack
down�on�Mexican�immigration.
170
00:08:39,619 --> 00:08:43,189
But�lost�in�the�noise
is�the�push�to�protect
the�country's�northern�borders
171
00:08:43,222 --> 00:08:45,492
from�Canadian
Black�Friday�shoppers.
172
00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:48,585
Our�own�Donavon�Stinson
has�more.
173
00:08:48,628 --> 00:08:50,358
-(INTENSE�MUSIC�PLAYING)
-Fuck�you,�right?
174
00:08:54,734 --> 00:08:56,174
When�America's�on�edge,
175
00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:57,772
anti-immigrant
sentiment�rises.
176
00:08:57,803 --> 00:08:59,573
People�cling�to�guns,
religion,
177
00:08:59,605 --> 00:09:01,265
and�misinterpreted
Springsteen�lyrics.
178
00:09:01,307 --> 00:09:04,237
Plus,�there's�a�marked�uptick
in�citizen�militia�activity.
179
00:09:04,277 --> 00:09:06,177
With�Black�Friday
just�around�the�corner,
180
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:08,612
I'd�heard�rumors�of�a�group
that�was�patrolling
common�entry�points
181
00:09:08,648 --> 00:09:11,278
for�Ontario�residents�to
upstate�New�York�outlet�malls.
182
00:09:11,317 --> 00:09:13,717
So,�I�went�undercover�with
the�Empire�State�Minutemen,
183
00:09:13,753 --> 00:09:16,493
to�understand�what�it�is
that's�so�threatening
184
00:09:16,522 --> 00:09:18,722
about�Canadian
discount�shoppers.
185
00:09:18,758 --> 00:09:22,298
So,�tell�me,�Mitch,
why�did�you�start
the�Empire�State�Minutemen?
186
00:09:22,328 --> 00:09:24,828
MITCH:�Well,�a�few�years�ago,
187
00:09:24,864 --> 00:09:27,104
I�went�to�one�of�those
Bills�games�in�Toronto.
188
00:09:27,133 --> 00:09:28,873
You�know,�I�gotta�say
that�the�Bills�are�probably
189
00:09:28,901 --> 00:09:30,741
my�favorite
American�football�team.
190
00:09:30,770 --> 00:09:33,570
-What?
-Never�mind.�Go�on.
191
00:09:33,606 --> 00:09:35,006
Anyway,�a�few�minutes�goes�by,
192
00:09:35,041 --> 00:09:36,981
I'm�drinking�a�tall�can
in�the�parking�lot,
193
00:09:37,009 --> 00:09:39,249
and�a�cop�comes�up
and�tells�me,
194
00:09:39,278 --> 00:09:41,708
"We�have�public
drinking�laws�here."
195
00:09:41,747 --> 00:09:43,317
I'm�so�sorry
that�happened�to�you.
196
00:09:43,349 --> 00:09:46,319
I�mean,�sorry.
I�mean,�fuck�you.
197
00:09:46,352 --> 00:09:48,622
Anyway,�I'm�on�my�way�home
and�I�stop�at�Target.
198
00:09:48,654 --> 00:09:52,894
I�get�in�there
and�there's�all�these�people
spending�Canadian�money.
199
00:09:52,925 --> 00:09:54,125
Ah!�Canadian�money.
200
00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:55,430
-It�was�sickening.
-Yeah.
201
00:09:55,461 --> 00:09:57,901
Drybacks�everywhere,
taking�all�our�best�bargains.
202
00:09:57,930 --> 00:09:59,330
-Wow.
-Nike�shoes.
203
00:09:59,365 --> 00:10:00,925
Ah,�the�worst.
204
00:10:00,967 --> 00:10:03,567
-Levi's�jeans.
-Yup,�yup.
205
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:05,943
DONAVON:��Mitch�invited�me
to�come�along�on�patrol
206
00:10:05,972 --> 00:10:07,672
with�his�own�personal�platoon,
207
00:10:07,707 --> 00:10:10,637
his�fiancee�and�infant�son.
208
00:10:10,676 --> 00:10:12,776
Do�I�need�a�permit�for�this?
Or�am�I...
209
00:10:12,812 --> 00:10:14,652
I'm�just�kidding!
Fuck�you,�right?
210
00:10:17,917 --> 00:10:19,447
You�know,�I�just�want�Jackson
to�grow�up
211
00:10:19,485 --> 00:10:21,185
-in�the�same�America�I�did.
-Yeah.
212
00:10:21,220 --> 00:10:24,890
Free�of�snow-monkeys
buying�up�all�the�best
off-brand�electronics.
213
00:10:24,924 --> 00:10:26,734
-Yeah.�Yeah.
-Right,�Jackson?
214
00:10:26,759 --> 00:10:28,059
You�like�snow-monkeys,
don't�you?
215
00:10:28,094 --> 00:10:29,834
-No,�he�doesn't.
-No,�he�doesn't.
216
00:10:29,862 --> 00:10:31,702
-At�all.�Nope.
-(JACKSON�BABBLES)
217
00:10:31,731 --> 00:10:33,101
Is�it�loaded?
218
00:10:35,801 --> 00:10:39,311
We've�been�on�patrol
for�about�six�hours�now.
219
00:10:39,338 --> 00:10:42,478
We�broke�for�lunch,
eight�bathroom�trips,
220
00:10:42,508 --> 00:10:43,978
and�two�naps.
221
00:10:44,010 --> 00:10:45,780
We�talked�a�lot
about�his�petition
222
00:10:45,811 --> 00:10:47,281
to�build�a�Walmart
223
00:10:47,313 --> 00:10:49,853
spanning�the�entire
Canadian�border.
224
00:10:49,882 --> 00:10:52,282
But�mostly,�we�drank.
225
00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:54,288
MITCH:�(ON�RADIO)
Donovan,�come�in,�over.
226
00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:56,220
Go�for�Donovan.
227
00:10:56,255 --> 00:10:58,085
Suspect�coming�out
of�Hugo�Boss.
228
00:10:58,124 --> 00:10:59,734
We�got�a�potential�savings.
229
00:10:59,759 --> 00:11:02,829
Yeah,�it's�confirmed.
It's�a�2-for-1,�10-4.
230
00:11:02,862 --> 00:11:05,302
-(GUNSHOT)
-Jesus!�Fuck!�What�was�that?
231
00:11:05,331 --> 00:11:07,331
(PANTING)�Oh,�fuck!
232
00:11:09,201 --> 00:11:11,371
MITCH:��Help!�Help�me,�please!
233
00:11:11,404 --> 00:11:12,974
You�know�what,�buddy?
Maybe�I�should�just�stay�here.
234
00:11:13,005 --> 00:11:14,405
Keep�a�look�out.
235
00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:17,010
It's�all�clear.�I�just�really
need�medical�attention.
236
00:11:17,043 --> 00:11:18,983
-I've�been�shot!
-Okay,�you've�been...
237
00:11:20,746 --> 00:11:22,446
That's�gross...
238
00:11:22,481 --> 00:11:24,621
DONAVON:��Mitch�and�I�both
needed�medical�attention.
239
00:11:24,650 --> 00:11:28,690
Me,�for�a�concussion
when�I�was�viciously�tripped
by�an�unseen�insurgent.
240
00:11:28,721 --> 00:11:32,121
And�Mitch,�for�being�shot
by�his�six-month-old�child.
241
00:11:32,158 --> 00:11:35,558
Jackson�thought�he�had�a�shot.
I�gotta�trust�his�judgment.
242
00:11:35,594 --> 00:11:38,064
But�the�fact�that�I�wasn't
targeted�by�a�foreigner,
243
00:11:38,097 --> 00:11:39,867
I've�never�felt�safer.
244
00:11:41,467 --> 00:11:43,567
This�is�so�hard
to�say,�brother,
245
00:11:46,105 --> 00:11:48,265
but�I've�been�keeping
something�from�you,�Mitch.
246
00:11:48,307 --> 00:11:49,707
I,�uh...�I'm...
247
00:11:50,576 --> 00:11:52,036
I'm�Canadian.
248
00:11:53,312 --> 00:11:55,982
Give�me�back
my�Cyber�Monday�promo�codes,
249
00:11:56,015 --> 00:11:57,575
you�fucking�Canadian.
250
00:11:57,616 --> 00:11:59,016
(GRUNTING)�I'm�sorry!
I'm�so�sorry!
251
00:11:59,051 --> 00:12:01,721
Wayne�Gretzky
can't�save�you�now,�asshole!
252
00:12:01,754 --> 00:12:03,824
DONAVON:��In�a�way,
I�felt�bad�for�Mitch.
253
00:12:03,856 --> 00:12:05,156
Ow!�Ow!
254
00:12:05,191 --> 00:12:07,131
He�lashed�out
because�he�was�hurt.
255
00:12:07,159 --> 00:12:09,399
But�I�think�he�was
most�hurt�by�the�bullet.
256
00:12:09,428 --> 00:12:12,968
And�the�fact�that�he�had
to�miss�his�bachelor�party
in�Montreal�that�weekend.
257
00:12:12,998 --> 00:12:16,398
For��The�Beaverton,
I'm�Donavon�Stinson.
258
00:12:16,435 --> 00:12:17,995
Thanks�for
that�report,�Donavon.
259
00:12:18,037 --> 00:12:20,367
And�the�cardigan�you�got�me.
260
00:12:20,406 --> 00:12:22,776
To�Israel�now,�where
tensions�are�running�high
261
00:12:22,808 --> 00:12:26,008
after�disaster�struck
a�Birthright�teen�tour.
262
00:12:26,045 --> 00:12:28,075
Sources�say
that�at�11:00�p.m.,
263
00:12:28,114 --> 00:12:31,084
Jonathan,�the�cool�Israeli
soldier�with�the�hot�accent,
264
00:12:31,117 --> 00:12:34,387
rejected�Sarah
Lipowicz-Goldenstienberg's
advances
265
00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:37,360
and�slept�with�her�roommate
Ronit�instead.
266
00:12:37,389 --> 00:12:40,159
We�flew�Marilla�Wex�directly
into�the�conflict�zone
267
00:12:40,192 --> 00:12:42,192
early�this�morning
at�the�King�David�Hotel.
268
00:12:42,228 --> 00:12:43,998
-Marilla?
-Hi,�Miguel.
269
00:12:44,029 --> 00:12:45,399
The�mood�here�is�grim
270
00:12:45,431 --> 00:12:48,501
on�this�rite�of�passage
for�Jewish�teenagers.
271
00:12:48,534 --> 00:12:50,274
Loud�shrieks
ring�through�the�halls.
272
00:12:50,302 --> 00:12:53,672
The�unsettling�flashes�of
camera�phones�are�a�constant.
273
00:12:53,706 --> 00:12:56,876
And�the�sickly�sweet�smell
of�vodka�coolers�and�regret
274
00:12:56,909 --> 00:12:59,349
wafts�through�the�air.
275
00:12:59,378 --> 00:13:01,848
Is�there�any�indication
as�to�what�Ronit�was�thinking?
276
00:13:01,881 --> 00:13:03,721
She�had�to�have�known
the�international�community
277
00:13:03,749 --> 00:13:05,179
would�condemn�her�aggression.
278
00:13:05,217 --> 00:13:07,347
The�Associated�Press
reported�earlier
279
00:13:07,386 --> 00:13:09,386
that�Ronit�knew
Sarah�liked�Jonathan,
280
00:13:09,421 --> 00:13:11,861
which�was�later�confirmed
by��Haaretz.
281
00:13:11,891 --> 00:13:13,491
Knowing�this,
we�can�only�assume
282
00:13:13,526 --> 00:13:16,156
Ronit�intentionally
went�behind�Sarah's�back,
283
00:13:16,195 --> 00:13:18,955
perhaps�as�retribution
for�that�night�in�Eilat
284
00:13:18,998 --> 00:13:20,898
when�she�puked
all�those�Jagerbombs
285
00:13:20,933 --> 00:13:23,873
into�Ronit's
Longchamp�handbag.
286
00:13:23,903 --> 00:13:26,073
There�are�members
of�Ronit's�faction
287
00:13:26,105 --> 00:13:29,535
who�continue�to�defend�her
territorial�claim�to�Jonathan,
288
00:13:29,575 --> 00:13:31,735
pointing�to�Sarah's�reputation
as�a�prude
289
00:13:31,777 --> 00:13:34,707
who�terrorizes�victims
with�dry�hand�jobs.
290
00:13:34,747 --> 00:13:36,877
This�is�a�contentious
talking�point.
291
00:13:36,916 --> 00:13:40,246
Marilla,�is�there�any
consensus�on�the�ground
to�the�truth�of�these�rumors?
292
00:13:40,286 --> 00:13:43,456
Yes,�her�hands
are�like�sandpaper,�Miguel.
293
00:13:43,489 --> 00:13:47,329
But�still,�should�her�HJs
be�held�to�a�higher�standard?
294
00:13:47,359 --> 00:13:49,459
After�all,�Ronit�went�so�far
295
00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:53,365
as�to�give�Jonathan�a�blowie
at�the�Holocaust�Memorial.
296
00:13:53,399 --> 00:13:56,039
This�is�clearly
a�conflict�rife�with�emotion.
297
00:13:56,068 --> 00:13:58,038
Stay�safe,�Marilla.
298
00:13:58,070 --> 00:14:00,570
Coming�up...
Spanking�your�child�is�wrong,
299
00:14:00,606 --> 00:14:04,636
but�teaching�your�child�to
spank�himself,�is�that�okay?
300
00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:07,607
Our�parenting�expert
tells�you,�"No,�it's�not."
301
00:14:08,948 --> 00:14:10,878
(AUDIENCE�APPLAUDING)
302
00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:23,257
Later�this�hour...
303
00:14:23,295 --> 00:14:25,455
Pope�Francis
has�once�again�asserted
304
00:14:25,497 --> 00:14:26,827
his�"Cool�Pope"�bona�fides
305
00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:29,336
with�a�progressive
knuckle�tattoo.
306
00:14:29,368 --> 00:14:31,938
EMMA:��A�desperate�ISIS
is�now�offering�martyrs
307
00:14:31,971 --> 00:14:35,071
seventy-two�virgins
and�one�slut.
308
00:14:35,107 --> 00:14:37,437
MIGUEL:��And�after�a�flood
at�Blackberry�headquarters,
309
00:14:37,476 --> 00:14:40,906
employees�are�scrambling
to�immerse
the�entire�building�in�rice.
310
00:14:42,448 --> 00:14:44,048
An�environmental�disaster
311
00:14:44,083 --> 00:14:45,783
struck�the�Gulf�of�Mexico
today
312
00:14:45,818 --> 00:14:48,648
after�the�Bud�Light
Cruise�ship�capsized,
313
00:14:48,687 --> 00:14:50,287
spilling�four�million�liters
314
00:14:50,322 --> 00:14:53,132
of�liquid�douchebag
into�the�ocean.
315
00:14:53,158 --> 00:14:55,388
The�combination�of�hair�gel,
spray�tan
316
00:14:55,427 --> 00:14:57,127
and�cruise�performer,�Pitbull,
317
00:14:57,162 --> 00:14:59,202
have�combined�to�form
a�toxic�substance
318
00:14:59,231 --> 00:15:03,071
endangering�hundreds
of�species�of�wildlife
native�to�the�area.
319
00:15:03,102 --> 00:15:07,342
Worst�of�all,
is�the�300�barrels�of�rohypnol
that�has�been�released,
320
00:15:07,373 --> 00:15:09,843
causing�several�million
sluggish�albacore�tuna
321
00:15:09,875 --> 00:15:11,675
to�be�groped�and�harassed
322
00:15:11,710 --> 00:15:14,810
by�a�gang�of
roided�up�manatees.
323
00:15:14,847 --> 00:15:17,277
A�representative�for
Anheuser-Busch�InBev
324
00:15:17,316 --> 00:15:19,886
expressed�regret
for�the�unfortunate�situation,
325
00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:22,019
and�couldn't�fathom
where�the�marine�mammals
326
00:15:22,054 --> 00:15:24,594
would�learn�such
deplorable�behavior.
327
00:15:25,858 --> 00:15:27,558
Moving�on�to
the�sports�world...
328
00:15:27,593 --> 00:15:29,403
From�huge�hits
to�sweet�dangles,
329
00:15:29,428 --> 00:15:31,558
to�other�references
I�understand,
330
00:15:31,597 --> 00:15:34,467
the�boys�at�the
Beaverton�Sports�Network
have�got�you�covered.
331
00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:35,940
Let's�go�to�them
for�an�update.
332
00:15:40,572 --> 00:15:42,472
Evening�and�welcome�back�to
the�Beaverton�Sports�Network.
333
00:15:42,508 --> 00:15:43,538
He's�Pat,�I'm�Luke.
334
00:15:43,575 --> 00:15:45,135
Both�of�us�wanted�to�be
athletes�when�we�grew�up
335
00:15:45,177 --> 00:15:47,307
and�now�our�job�is�to�tell�you
what�an�athlete�is�doing
336
00:15:47,346 --> 00:15:49,176
as�you�watch�a�clip�of�them
do�that�thing.
337
00:15:49,214 --> 00:15:50,884
-We're�also�best�friends!
-Oh,�yeah.
338
00:15:50,916 --> 00:15:52,476
We�begin�tonight�with�the�NBA,
339
00:15:52,518 --> 00:15:54,418
where�the�Toronto�Raptors
and�Rogers�Communications
340
00:15:54,453 --> 00:15:56,223
have�reached�a�new�corporate
sponsorship�agreement
341
00:15:56,255 --> 00:15:58,885
affecting�all�aspects
of�the�in-game�experience.
342
00:15:58,924 --> 00:16:01,364
From�now�on,�the�basketball
hoop�will�be�renamed
343
00:16:01,393 --> 00:16:02,733
the�"Rogers�Ring,"
344
00:16:02,761 --> 00:16:05,301
the�ball,�"a�Rogers�bouncy"
and�the�shot�clock
345
00:16:05,331 --> 00:16:09,131
"the�24-second�Ted�Rogers
memorial�shot�expiration
countdown�bundle."
346
00:16:09,168 --> 00:16:10,738
-Killing�it,�bud!
-Thanks,�man.
347
00:16:10,769 --> 00:16:12,199
The�federal�government
is�offering
348
00:16:12,237 --> 00:16:13,707
the�National�Lacrosse�League
relief�after�witnessing
349
00:16:13,739 --> 00:16:16,509
the�squalid�conditions�of�the
Regina�Rangers'�facilities.
350
00:16:16,542 --> 00:16:17,682
-Great�job,�man.
-I�know.
351
00:16:17,710 --> 00:16:19,750
In�the�NHL,�pressure
is�on�the�nation's�teams
352
00:16:19,778 --> 00:16:22,008
to�avoid�a�repeat
of�last�season's�failures,
353
00:16:22,047 --> 00:16:24,647
where�not�a�single�Canadian
squad�made�the�playoffs.
354
00:16:24,683 --> 00:16:27,023
Fortunately,�the�players
appear�unconcerned,
355
00:16:27,052 --> 00:16:28,992
insisting�that,
thanks�to�brain�injuries,
356
00:16:29,021 --> 00:16:31,121
they�don't�even�remember
last�year.
357
00:16:31,156 --> 00:16:33,356
Confident�as�ever,
Flames�D-man�Dennis�Wideman
358
00:16:33,392 --> 00:16:35,932
told�reporters�that
last�season�was�nothing�more
359
00:16:35,961 --> 00:16:39,001
than�a�gray,�painful�blur
with�lots�of�ringing�noises.
360
00:16:39,031 --> 00:16:40,631
-Love�you,�dude.
-I�do�this�for�you.
361
00:16:40,666 --> 00:16:42,426
But�the�biggest�story
in�the�hockey�world
362
00:16:42,468 --> 00:16:44,068
is�talented�Leafs�forward
and�number�one�overall�pick,
363
00:16:44,103 --> 00:16:46,273
Auston�Matthews,
breaking�into�the�NHL.
364
00:16:46,305 --> 00:16:48,235
His�arrival�has�led
to�a�lot�of�speculation,
365
00:16:48,273 --> 00:16:49,643
and�has�also�caused
a�bit�of�a�dispute
366
00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:51,035
between�Pat�and�myself
367
00:16:51,076 --> 00:16:52,676
about�how�exactly�the�Leafs
will�blow�this�one.
368
00:16:52,711 --> 00:16:54,811
I�think�the�Toronto�media�is
gonna�be�the�key�here,�okay?
369
00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:56,817
This�is�an�American�kid
from�Arizona,
370
00:16:56,849 --> 00:16:58,779
where�hockey
is�just�below�lawn�bowling
371
00:16:58,817 --> 00:17:00,487
in�terms�of�sports�popularity.
372
00:17:00,519 --> 00:17:01,949
He's�not�used�to�the�spotlight
373
00:17:01,987 --> 00:17:04,387
and�the�endless�columns
criticizing�his�every�move.
374
00:17:04,423 --> 00:17:06,633
It�is�going�to�eat�him�alive.
375
00:17:06,658 --> 00:17:08,158
I�could�not�disagree�more.
376
00:17:08,193 --> 00:17:10,163
Clearly,�what�is�going
to�destroy�Auston�Matthews
377
00:17:10,195 --> 00:17:12,655
are�Toronto's�clubs
and�endless�hockey�groupies.
378
00:17:12,698 --> 00:17:14,698
Within�a�few�years
he'll�be�high-sticking�dudes
379
00:17:14,733 --> 00:17:16,903
just�so�he�can�get�to�the
penalty�box�and�check�Tinder.
380
00:17:16,935 --> 00:17:19,705
You're�crazy.
He's�a�shy�kid�who's�gonna
go�inside�his�shell
381
00:17:19,738 --> 00:17:21,368
the�second�the��Toronto�Sun
turns�on�him.
382
00:17:21,407 --> 00:17:22,907
It's�Phil�Kessel
all�over�again.
383
00:17:22,941 --> 00:17:25,181
No�way.�He's�gonna�get
obliterated�on�King�West.
384
00:17:25,210 --> 00:17:26,680
He's�Shayne�Corson
all�over�again!
385
00:17:26,712 --> 00:17:28,152
Okay,�well,
can�we�at�least�agree�that,
386
00:17:28,180 --> 00:17:30,480
like�all�great�Leafs�forwards,
he'll�get�horrifically�injured
387
00:17:30,516 --> 00:17:32,576
the�second�things�start
going�well.�I�mean,�he�is...
388
00:17:32,618 --> 00:17:34,518
BOTH:�Dougie�Gilmour
all�over�again!
389
00:17:34,553 --> 00:17:35,893
-Thank�you.
-Right.�Right.
390
00:17:35,921 --> 00:17:38,161
That's�totally�how�it'll�go.
391
00:17:38,190 --> 00:17:40,160
-So,�debate�over?
-Debate�over.
392
00:17:40,192 --> 00:17:41,262
Still�friends?
393
00:17:41,293 --> 00:17:42,863
I'm�still
wearing�my�locket.�You?
394
00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:44,195
No.
395
00:17:44,229 --> 00:17:45,859
That's�about�it
for�this�BSN�update,
396
00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:48,028
tune�in�at�11:00,�where
we'll�talk�to�the�survivors
397
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:49,937
of�the�first�ever
Aussie�Rules�Zumba�class.
398
00:18:04,349 --> 00:18:05,479
Welcome�back.
399
00:18:05,517 --> 00:18:07,917
Who�run�the�world?�Girls!
400
00:18:07,953 --> 00:18:10,623
Specifically�hot�girls
in�the�demo.
401
00:18:10,656 --> 00:18:12,886
To�help�you�stay
on�the�right�side�of�30,
402
00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:15,985
our�own�beauty�maven,�Amber,
is�here�with�"Amber's�Alert."
403
00:18:16,028 --> 00:18:17,198
(SIREN�BLARING)
404
00:18:17,229 --> 00:18:19,329
K,�listen�up�you�froshie�pigs.
405
00:18:19,364 --> 00:18:21,834
From�your�crow's�feet
to�your�ho's�feet,
406
00:18:21,867 --> 00:18:23,237
I've�got�you�covered.
407
00:18:23,268 --> 00:18:25,968
Shit's�getting�real,�guys.
408
00:18:26,004 --> 00:18:28,314
A�new�study�says
it�costs�an�average�woman
409
00:18:28,340 --> 00:18:32,640
over�$2�million�dollars�in�her
lifetime�just�to�be�a�seven.
410
00:18:34,012 --> 00:18:36,382
A�Toronto�seven
or�a�Winnipeg�seven?
411
00:18:36,415 --> 00:18:38,145
And�with
the�unwavering�expectations
412
00:18:38,183 --> 00:18:39,593
around�body�hair�removal,
413
00:18:39,618 --> 00:18:42,958
that�could�soon�fall
to�a�Sudbury�six.
414
00:18:42,988 --> 00:18:46,128
Why�do�female�healthcare
products�cost�more�than�men's
415
00:18:46,158 --> 00:18:47,958
when�their�dicks�are�so�much
bigger�than�ours?
416
00:18:47,993 --> 00:18:49,863
What�can�we�women�do?
417
00:18:49,895 --> 00:18:52,055
We�need�to�make
a�strong�statement.
418
00:18:52,097 --> 00:18:53,997
And�the�best�way
to�make�a�statement
419
00:18:54,032 --> 00:18:55,632
is�to�say�nothing�at�all.
420
00:18:55,667 --> 00:18:58,397
Let�your�lips'�color
do�the�talking�for�you.
421
00:18:58,437 --> 00:19:00,707
With�ConcealHer's
new�line�of�lip�gloss,
422
00:19:00,739 --> 00:19:03,539
you�can�look�good
and�feel�secure�that�you�do.
423
00:19:03,575 --> 00:19:05,005
Made�with�epoxy�glue,
424
00:19:05,043 --> 00:19:08,113
your�hot�lips�will�literally
be�locked�and�loaded,
425
00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:11,177
so�you�can't�speak�or�eat!
426
00:19:11,216 --> 00:19:13,186
That's�why�it's�this�week's
427
00:19:13,218 --> 00:19:14,988
-Amber's�Alert!
-(SIREN�BLARING)
428
00:19:15,020 --> 00:19:17,860
So,�what�are�the�big�colors
we�can�expect
to�see�this�fall?
429
00:19:17,890 --> 00:19:19,660
You'll�have
the�perfect�pout�in,
430
00:19:19,691 --> 00:19:21,491
"You�could�lose�a�few�blue."
431
00:19:21,527 --> 00:19:24,427
Or,�look�and�feel
amazing�in,
432
00:19:24,463 --> 00:19:27,673
"I�don't�care
if�you�text�me�back,�Jared!"
433
00:19:27,699 --> 00:19:31,499
This�line�is�gonna
change�your�life.
434
00:19:31,537 --> 00:19:33,567
Any�other�tips
for�the�beauty�savvy?
435
00:19:33,605 --> 00:19:36,475
When�it�comes�to�teeth,
there's�no�room�for�diversity.
436
00:19:36,508 --> 00:19:39,138
Keep�'em�straight
and�keep�'em�white.
437
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:41,248
-Obviously.
-Oh,�but�don't�worry,�Miguel,
438
00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:42,510
when�it�comes�to�hair,
439
00:19:42,548 --> 00:19:45,648
the�ethnic�look�is�super�in
right�now.
440
00:19:45,684 --> 00:19:48,194
-Why�would�I,�uh...
-That's�it�for�Amber's�Alert.
441
00:19:48,220 --> 00:19:50,260
I'm�Amber�reminding�you
442
00:19:50,289 --> 00:19:53,459
everything�everyone�is�saying
about�you�is�true.
443
00:19:54,226 --> 00:19:56,256
Thanks,�Amber.
444
00:19:56,295 --> 00:19:58,025
Before�we�end
the�show�tonight,
445
00:19:58,063 --> 00:19:59,633
we�wanted�our�viewers�to�know
446
00:19:59,665 --> 00:20:02,895
about�our�office-wide
step�challenge.
447
00:20:02,935 --> 00:20:04,895
And�Miguel�and�I�have�agreed
to�have�our�results
448
00:20:04,937 --> 00:20:06,267
shown�on�the�air.
449
00:20:07,806 --> 00:20:09,336
-Oh!�(CHUCKLES)
-Emma!
450
00:20:09,374 --> 00:20:12,244
You�walked�18,000�steps
yesterday.�That's�amazing.
451
00:20:12,277 --> 00:20:13,707
Ran,�actually.
452
00:20:13,745 --> 00:20:15,105
The�security�guard
was�relentless.
453
00:20:15,147 --> 00:20:19,317
Okay,�Miguel,
let's�see�if�you�beat�that.
454
00:20:20,219 --> 00:20:21,489
Okay.
455
00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:22,790
There's�gotta�be
something�wrong.
456
00:20:22,821 --> 00:20:24,921
How�did�you�only�take
23�steps?
457
00:20:24,957 --> 00:20:26,387
After�last�night's�broadcast,
458
00:20:26,425 --> 00:20:28,555
I�sat�in�my�chair
until�tonight's�broadcast.
459
00:20:28,594 --> 00:20:31,664
You�know,�like�a�professional.
460
00:20:31,697 --> 00:20:34,027
So,�you�just
sat�here�all�night?
What�did�you�do?
461
00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:36,736
I�read�from�the�teleprompter,
did�breathing�exercises,
462
00:20:36,768 --> 00:20:38,738
got�in�three�hours
of�gravitas�practice.
463
00:20:38,770 --> 00:20:40,240
Check�this�out.
464
00:20:40,272 --> 00:20:42,912
Seventeen�were�killed�today
in�a�speed-boat�accident.
465
00:20:44,810 --> 00:20:46,550
How'd�you�go�to�the�bathroom?
466
00:20:46,578 --> 00:20:48,708
That's�all�the�time
we�have�for�tonight.
467
00:20:48,747 --> 00:20:50,277
For��The�Beaverton,
I'm�Miguel�Rivas.
468
00:20:50,315 --> 00:20:51,415
And�I'm�Emma�Hunter.
469
00:20:51,450 --> 00:20:53,020
And�I�have
just�as�much�gravitas.
470
00:20:53,051 --> 00:20:54,621
Eighteen�were�killed�today
in�a�speed-boat�accident.
471
00:20:54,653 --> 00:20:56,663
Twenty�were�killed
on�two�speed�boats.
472
00:20:56,688 --> 00:20:59,058
Three�hundred�speed�boats
were�killed�themselves
by�themselves
473
00:20:59,091 --> 00:21:00,361
with�guns,�cannons.
474
00:21:00,392 --> 00:21:01,492
Emma�was�killed
without�gravitas.
475
00:21:01,526 --> 00:21:03,126
War's�not�a�joke.
476
00:21:03,161 --> 00:21:04,561
(MUSIC�PLAYING)
477
00:21:04,596 --> 00:21:06,996
(SPEAKING�INDISTINCTLY)
43366