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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,771 --> 00:00:09,341 Donald�J.�Trump has�been�elected�President. Is�this�America's�9/11? 2 00:00:11,144 --> 00:00:12,784 MIGUEL:��We�finally�have an�answer�to�the�question 3 00:00:12,812 --> 00:00:16,322 of�whether�the�US is�more�racist�or�sexist? 4 00:00:16,349 --> 00:00:19,419 EMMA:��With�Trump's�victory, Hillary�Clinton�now�makes an�important�decision, 5 00:00:19,452 --> 00:00:21,722 which�prison�gang�to�join. 6 00:00:23,957 --> 00:00:25,757 (THEME�PLAYING) 7 00:00:38,838 --> 00:00:39,968 Welcome�to��The�Beaverton, 8 00:00:40,006 --> 00:00:41,666 the�news�show�that�will make�the�apocalypse 9 00:00:41,708 --> 00:00:44,508 we�are�currently�living�in slightly�more�palatable. 10 00:00:44,544 --> 00:00:45,784 I'm�Miguel�Rivas. 11 00:00:45,812 --> 00:00:48,012 And�I'm�future�road�warrior, Emma�Hunter. 12 00:00:49,282 --> 00:00:51,222 Our�top�story, 13 00:00:51,251 --> 00:00:55,321 sad�news�as�the�United�States was�found�dead�last�night in�its�North�America�home. 14 00:00:55,355 --> 00:00:57,815 Investigators�have�ruled the�death�a�suicide, 15 00:00:57,857 --> 00:01:00,927 the�result�of�300�million gunshot�wounds�to�the�foot. 16 00:01:01,861 --> 00:01:05,471 The�nation�was�only�240. 17 00:01:05,498 --> 00:01:09,938 Recently,�neighbors�became concerned�when�the�nation started�arguing�with�itself, 18 00:01:09,969 --> 00:01:15,879 developed�type�2�diabetes, and�yelled�at�brown�kids to�get�off�its�lawn. 19 00:01:15,909 --> 00:01:19,509 America�leaves�behind its�children,�Puerto�Rico, Guam,�the�Virgin�Islands, 20 00:01:19,546 --> 00:01:22,846 and�its�estranged�stepchild, Guantanamo�Bay. 21 00:01:22,882 --> 00:01:27,522 In�lieu�of�flowers, the�family�asks�that�you�send bombs�to�the�Middle�East. 22 00:01:27,554 --> 00:01:29,394 In�directly�related�news, 23 00:01:29,422 --> 00:01:34,332 the�United�States�made�history by�electing�its�first�ever sociopath�president. 24 00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:38,300 Now,�parents�of�kids who�show�no�remorse and�draw�disturbing�pictures 25 00:01:38,331 --> 00:01:41,841 can�look�into�their�children's cold,�soulless�eyes�and�say, 26 00:01:41,868 --> 00:01:44,298 "You�can�be�president�too. 27 00:01:44,337 --> 00:01:47,637 "Oh,�my�God,�what�did�you�do to�all�those�hamsters?" 28 00:01:47,674 --> 00:01:51,384 Previously,�sociopaths were�pushed�to the�margins�of�society, 29 00:01:51,411 --> 00:01:56,451 forced�into�asylums, or�relegated�to�the�corner offices�on�Wall�Street. 30 00:01:56,483 --> 00:01:59,393 Despite�a�system that�was�totally�rigged against�him, 31 00:01:59,419 --> 00:02:04,359 The�Donald�managed�to�clinch the�presidency�by�uniting�a diverse�network�of�Americans, 32 00:02:04,390 --> 00:02:08,900 including�yellers,�screamers, MRA�groups,�NRA�members, 33 00:02:08,928 --> 00:02:11,828 MMA�fans,�MBAs,�the�KKK, 34 00:02:11,865 --> 00:02:15,435 and�the�American�Association of�Acronym�Enthusiasts... 35 00:02:15,468 --> 00:02:18,168 Acronym�pending. 36 00:02:18,204 --> 00:02:21,814 But�questions�remain about�Trump's�ability�to�lead a�divided�America. 37 00:02:21,841 --> 00:02:23,211 Can�he�work�with�his�critics? 38 00:02:23,243 --> 00:02:26,983 How�many�Syrian�refugees will�he�deport�back�to�Mexico? 39 00:02:27,013 --> 00:02:29,923 Are�journalists�to�be imprisoned�or�simply�shot? 40 00:02:29,949 --> 00:02:33,649 His�campaign�had more�references�to�genitalia than�policy�details, 41 00:02:33,686 --> 00:02:35,286 so�it's�difficult�to�say what�will�happen 42 00:02:35,321 --> 00:02:39,931 once�the�new�president moves�into�the�Trump White�House�and�Casino. 43 00:02:39,959 --> 00:02:42,359 With�only�two�months�left in�his�presidency, 44 00:02:42,395 --> 00:02:44,325 Barack�Obama�must�now�turn 45 00:02:44,364 --> 00:02:47,334 to�the�busy�work of�Trump-proofing the�White�House. 46 00:02:47,367 --> 00:02:50,697 Obama�has�already�dismantled the�drone�strike�program, 47 00:02:50,737 --> 00:02:54,207 gave�several�billion�dollars in�cash�to�Planned�Parenthood, 48 00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:59,310 and�put�foam�protectors on�the�sharp�tips�of America's�nuclear�warheads. 49 00:02:59,345 --> 00:03:01,445 Additionally, he's�placed�safety�plugs 50 00:03:01,481 --> 00:03:06,821 in�all�of�the�White�House electrical�outlets�to�protect Trump's�tiny�fingers, 51 00:03:06,853 --> 00:03:09,823 a�baby�gate�on�the�stairs to�the�Situation�Room, 52 00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:13,626 and�installed safety�latches�on�all female�staffer's�pussies. 53 00:03:15,161 --> 00:03:17,601 Once�his�presidential�duties are�complete, 54 00:03:17,630 --> 00:03:24,040 Obama�intends�to�leave Washington�and�move�back to�his�home�state,�Kenya. 55 00:03:24,070 --> 00:03:27,670 Donald�Trump�isn't�the�only big�orange�winner that�shocked�the�electorate. 56 00:03:27,707 --> 00:03:31,037 Rachel�Notley's�NDP won�an�unprecedented�victory in�Alberta 57 00:03:31,077 --> 00:03:32,547 more�than�a�year�ago. 58 00:03:32,579 --> 00:03:34,949 But�has�she�been�able�to�win over�her�harshest�critics? 59 00:03:34,981 --> 00:03:37,251 For�more�on�how "No,�she�has�not," 60 00:03:37,283 --> 00:03:40,723 we�go�to�our�own Laura�Cilevitz. 61 00:03:40,753 --> 00:03:43,323 LAURA:��Since�taking�power in�May�2015, 62 00:03:43,356 --> 00:03:45,686 NDP�premier�Rachel�Notley�has, 63 00:03:45,725 --> 00:03:48,025 according�to�Conservative uncles�everywhere, 64 00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:50,661 been�a�disaster�for�Alberta. 65 00:03:50,697 --> 00:03:53,167 First,�she�set�fire to�Fort�McMurray 66 00:03:53,199 --> 00:03:56,539 in�order�to�decimate the�oil�industry. 67 00:03:56,569 --> 00:03:58,739 Then�she�caused the�Canadian�dollar 68 00:03:58,771 --> 00:04:03,311 to�fall�to�77%�of�its�value just�by�being�a�woman. 69 00:04:03,343 --> 00:04:07,583 But�now,�residents�of�Alberta say�she�has�gone�even�further. 70 00:04:07,614 --> 00:04:09,854 I've�always�been�proud�to�live in�the�wild�rose�province. 71 00:04:09,882 --> 00:04:11,782 The�backbone�of�Canada. 72 00:04:11,818 --> 00:04:13,518 But�after�what�Notley�did, 73 00:04:13,553 --> 00:04:15,563 I�don't�think�our�province will�ever�be�the�same. 74 00:04:15,588 --> 00:04:17,788 Ms.�Notley is�a�terrible�premier. 75 00:04:17,824 --> 00:04:20,494 She�should�resign�in�disgrace. 76 00:04:20,526 --> 00:04:22,726 What�has�premier�Notley done�now? 77 00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:24,802 I�tried�to�start my�own�small�business. 78 00:04:24,831 --> 00:04:26,671 But�Notley�and�her�bureaucrats have�made�it�illegal�for�me 79 00:04:26,699 --> 00:04:28,869 to�dig�my�own transcontinental�oil�pipeline. 80 00:04:28,901 --> 00:04:30,301 Is�that�it? 81 00:04:30,336 --> 00:04:32,836 I'm�pretty�sure�she�also�drank all�the�milk�in�my�house. 82 00:04:32,872 --> 00:04:36,242 Rachel�Notley and�her�progressive�attitude to�sexuality 83 00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:39,446 convinced�my�son to�start�touching�himself... 84 00:04:40,413 --> 00:04:41,953 Down�there. 85 00:04:41,981 --> 00:04:43,121 (WHISPERS)�His�penis. 86 00:04:44,417 --> 00:04:46,447 -How�old�is�your�son? -Twenty-two. 87 00:04:48,054 --> 00:04:49,794 I�got�a�DUI. 88 00:04:49,822 --> 00:04:51,462 Yeah,�thanks,�Notley. 89 00:04:51,491 --> 00:04:53,731 Last�night,�Premier�Notley came�over�to�my�house, 90 00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:56,130 crept�around�back, ripped�open�my�garbage�bags 91 00:04:56,162 --> 00:04:58,202 and�spread�trash around�everywhere. 92 00:04:58,231 --> 00:05:00,131 It�took�forever�to�clean�up. 93 00:05:00,166 --> 00:05:03,036 How�can�you�be�so�sure it�was�Rachel�Notley? 94 00:05:03,069 --> 00:05:05,669 Oh,�I'd�recognize her�musk�anywhere. 95 00:05:05,705 --> 00:05:08,875 Timmy�never�would've�done�this when�the�Tories�were�in�power. 96 00:05:08,908 --> 00:05:11,738 Premier�Notley�made�my�wife fall�out�of�love�with�me. 97 00:05:13,279 --> 00:05:15,419 (SOBBING) 98 00:05:16,916 --> 00:05:19,686 Rachel�Notley�convinced�my�dog to�eat�its�own�poop. 99 00:05:19,719 --> 00:05:22,859 (SOBBING) Why'd�you�do�it,�Ms.�Notley? 100 00:05:22,889 --> 00:05:25,329 As�you�saw, these�Albertans�were�outraged 101 00:05:25,358 --> 00:05:27,858 that�they�are�being�led by�a�nocturnal�garbage�monster 102 00:05:27,894 --> 00:05:29,734 who�induces�the�young to�masturbate 103 00:05:29,762 --> 00:05:31,402 and�the�old�to�drink. 104 00:05:31,431 --> 00:05:35,301 However,�Premier�Notley�has so�far�refused�calls�to�resign 105 00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:36,765 and�denied�these�charges, 106 00:05:36,803 --> 00:05:39,073 claiming�she�was�far�too�busy dealing�drugs 107 00:05:39,105 --> 00:05:41,035 to�the�province's�children. 108 00:05:41,074 --> 00:05:43,614 Laura�Cilevitz, The�Beaverton,�Calgary. 109 00:05:44,444 --> 00:05:45,654 Thanks,�Laura. 110 00:05:45,678 --> 00:05:48,918 Speaking�of�segues, Kim�Kardashian... 111 00:05:48,948 --> 00:05:51,448 Fashion�icon, selfie�professional, 112 00:05:51,484 --> 00:05:53,094 and�world's�most famous�collector 113 00:05:53,119 --> 00:05:54,519 of�junk�in�the�trunk, 114 00:05:54,554 --> 00:05:57,024 has�implemented a�new�charitable�venture, 115 00:05:57,056 --> 00:05:59,956 "Butts�For�the�Needy." 116 00:05:59,992 --> 00:06:03,602 Kardashian,�whose�own famous�backside has�greatly�benefited�her, 117 00:06:03,629 --> 00:06:05,729 said�she�wanted�to�give those�less�fortunate 118 00:06:05,765 --> 00:06:08,525 the�same�thick leg�up�she's�had. 119 00:06:08,568 --> 00:06:10,998 The�Kardashian "Buns�for�Bums"�program 120 00:06:11,037 --> 00:06:12,937 took�to�the�streets earlier�this�week, 121 00:06:12,972 --> 00:06:14,642 offering�the�homeless backsides 122 00:06:14,674 --> 00:06:18,284 that�ranged�from�perky to�"Damn,�boy." 123 00:06:18,311 --> 00:06:20,651 So�far�the�program has�been�a�success. 124 00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:22,120 One�lucky�recipient�noted... 125 00:06:22,148 --> 00:06:25,648 (READING) 126 00:06:28,421 --> 00:06:31,091 "...and�shapely,�while�I�try to�overcome�addiction." 127 00:06:31,124 --> 00:06:35,364 It's�always�nice�to�see�people pull�themselves�up by�their�butt�straps. 128 00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:37,595 Dad�jokes: are�they�annoying? 129 00:06:37,630 --> 00:06:41,100 After�the�break,�we�explore how�one�anchor�thinks,�"Yes." 130 00:06:45,071 --> 00:06:47,771 (AUDIENCE�APPLAUDING) 131 00:06:47,807 --> 00:06:49,907 Everybody�wants�to�know where�they�come�from. 132 00:06:49,942 --> 00:06:52,552 And�with�today's�genealogy websites,�everybody�can. 133 00:06:52,578 --> 00:06:54,848 But�for�a�certain�sector of�the�population, 134 00:06:54,881 --> 00:06:56,821 there's�just�one�problem. 135 00:06:56,849 --> 00:07:00,119 Why�would�he�give�them the�blankets if�he�knew�they�were�infected? 136 00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:01,553 All�the�women�and�children? 137 00:07:01,587 --> 00:07:02,887 What�and�pillaging? 138 00:07:02,922 --> 00:07:04,792 Why�would�they�not just�stop�at�pillaging? 139 00:07:04,824 --> 00:07:06,634 That's�right,�if�you're�white, 140 00:07:06,659 --> 00:07:09,799 knowing�the�truth�about where�you�come�from can�be�a�little�uncomfortable. 141 00:07:09,829 --> 00:07:13,029 That's�why�we're�proud to�introduce�whitewashed.ca, 142 00:07:13,065 --> 00:07:15,065 the�first�ancestry�site that�shows�you 143 00:07:15,101 --> 00:07:17,071 all�the�good�parts of�your�family�history, 144 00:07:17,103 --> 00:07:19,473 but�glosses�over the�"genocide-y"�stuff. 145 00:07:19,505 --> 00:07:23,205 Hey,�my�ancestor�ran�a�cotton growing�co-op�in�the�1820s. 146 00:07:23,242 --> 00:07:25,212 He�was�so�ahead�of�his�time! 147 00:07:25,244 --> 00:07:28,114 It�looks�like�I�come�from a�long�line�of�explorers! 148 00:07:28,147 --> 00:07:30,647 Grandpa�Fritz�followed�orders for�a�living. 149 00:07:30,683 --> 00:07:32,393 That�could�mean�anything! 150 00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:34,986 ANNOUNCER: whitewashed.ca. 151 00:07:35,021 --> 00:07:36,761 When�your�family has�blood�on�its�hands, 152 00:07:36,789 --> 00:07:38,959 don't�worry, just�whitewash�it�off. 153 00:07:46,699 --> 00:07:48,129 Coming�up�next... 154 00:07:48,167 --> 00:07:52,207 Don�Cherry�unveils�his�new line�of�clothing�for�women... 155 00:07:52,238 --> 00:07:54,908 EMMA:��UNESCO�downgrades the�Great�Barrier�Reef 156 00:07:54,941 --> 00:07:57,441 to�the�"Deece"�Barrier�Reef... 157 00:07:57,477 --> 00:08:00,747 MIGUEL:��And�the�technological breakthrough in�Virtual�Insanity�glasses 158 00:08:00,780 --> 00:08:03,150 let�you�experience�life as�Jamiroquai. 159 00:08:05,418 --> 00:08:08,788 Justin�Trudeau�has�once�again won�the�Internet. 160 00:08:08,821 --> 00:08:11,821 Our�cool�PM�posted a�Dubsmash�video�he�recorded 161 00:08:11,858 --> 00:08:15,698 while�approving�the�new transcontinental�oil�pipeline. 162 00:08:15,728 --> 00:08:18,558 The�viral�clip�shows�Trudeau and�the�board�of�Kinder�Morgan 163 00:08:18,598 --> 00:08:22,468 performing�a�choreographed routine�to�Drake's��One�Dance, 164 00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:24,202 moments�after�confirming�plans 165 00:08:24,237 --> 00:08:27,337 to�build�a�pipeline through�Indigenous�lands. 166 00:08:27,373 --> 00:08:29,883 The�video�has�had over�10�million�views, 167 00:08:29,909 --> 00:08:32,309 nearly�as�many�as the�shirtless�photo�of�Trudeau 168 00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:36,645 signing�an�arms�deal with�Saudi�Arabia. 169 00:08:36,682 --> 00:08:39,592 Many�Americans�want�to�crack down�on�Mexican�immigration. 170 00:08:39,619 --> 00:08:43,189 But�lost�in�the�noise is�the�push�to�protect the�country's�northern�borders 171 00:08:43,222 --> 00:08:45,492 from�Canadian Black�Friday�shoppers. 172 00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:48,585 Our�own�Donavon�Stinson has�more. 173 00:08:48,628 --> 00:08:50,358 -(INTENSE�MUSIC�PLAYING) -Fuck�you,�right? 174 00:08:54,734 --> 00:08:56,174 When�America's�on�edge, 175 00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:57,772 anti-immigrant sentiment�rises. 176 00:08:57,803 --> 00:08:59,573 People�cling�to�guns, religion, 177 00:08:59,605 --> 00:09:01,265 and�misinterpreted Springsteen�lyrics. 178 00:09:01,307 --> 00:09:04,237 Plus,�there's�a�marked�uptick in�citizen�militia�activity. 179 00:09:04,277 --> 00:09:06,177 With�Black�Friday just�around�the�corner, 180 00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:08,612 I'd�heard�rumors�of�a�group that�was�patrolling common�entry�points 181 00:09:08,648 --> 00:09:11,278 for�Ontario�residents�to upstate�New�York�outlet�malls. 182 00:09:11,317 --> 00:09:13,717 So,�I�went�undercover�with the�Empire�State�Minutemen, 183 00:09:13,753 --> 00:09:16,493 to�understand�what�it�is that's�so�threatening 184 00:09:16,522 --> 00:09:18,722 about�Canadian discount�shoppers. 185 00:09:18,758 --> 00:09:22,298 So,�tell�me,�Mitch, why�did�you�start the�Empire�State�Minutemen? 186 00:09:22,328 --> 00:09:24,828 MITCH:�Well,�a�few�years�ago, 187 00:09:24,864 --> 00:09:27,104 I�went�to�one�of�those Bills�games�in�Toronto. 188 00:09:27,133 --> 00:09:28,873 You�know,�I�gotta�say that�the�Bills�are�probably 189 00:09:28,901 --> 00:09:30,741 my�favorite American�football�team. 190 00:09:30,770 --> 00:09:33,570 -What? -Never�mind.�Go�on. 191 00:09:33,606 --> 00:09:35,006 Anyway,�a�few�minutes�goes�by, 192 00:09:35,041 --> 00:09:36,981 I'm�drinking�a�tall�can in�the�parking�lot, 193 00:09:37,009 --> 00:09:39,249 and�a�cop�comes�up and�tells�me, 194 00:09:39,278 --> 00:09:41,708 "We�have�public drinking�laws�here." 195 00:09:41,747 --> 00:09:43,317 I'm�so�sorry that�happened�to�you. 196 00:09:43,349 --> 00:09:46,319 I�mean,�sorry. I�mean,�fuck�you. 197 00:09:46,352 --> 00:09:48,622 Anyway,�I'm�on�my�way�home and�I�stop�at�Target. 198 00:09:48,654 --> 00:09:52,894 I�get�in�there and�there's�all�these�people spending�Canadian�money. 199 00:09:52,925 --> 00:09:54,125 Ah!�Canadian�money. 200 00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:55,430 -It�was�sickening. -Yeah. 201 00:09:55,461 --> 00:09:57,901 Drybacks�everywhere, taking�all�our�best�bargains. 202 00:09:57,930 --> 00:09:59,330 -Wow. -Nike�shoes. 203 00:09:59,365 --> 00:10:00,925 Ah,�the�worst. 204 00:10:00,967 --> 00:10:03,567 -Levi's�jeans. -Yup,�yup. 205 00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:05,943 DONAVON:��Mitch�invited�me to�come�along�on�patrol 206 00:10:05,972 --> 00:10:07,672 with�his�own�personal�platoon, 207 00:10:07,707 --> 00:10:10,637 his�fiancee�and�infant�son. 208 00:10:10,676 --> 00:10:12,776 Do�I�need�a�permit�for�this? Or�am�I... 209 00:10:12,812 --> 00:10:14,652 I'm�just�kidding! Fuck�you,�right? 210 00:10:17,917 --> 00:10:19,447 You�know,�I�just�want�Jackson to�grow�up 211 00:10:19,485 --> 00:10:21,185 -in�the�same�America�I�did. -Yeah. 212 00:10:21,220 --> 00:10:24,890 Free�of�snow-monkeys buying�up�all�the�best off-brand�electronics. 213 00:10:24,924 --> 00:10:26,734 -Yeah.�Yeah. -Right,�Jackson? 214 00:10:26,759 --> 00:10:28,059 You�like�snow-monkeys, don't�you? 215 00:10:28,094 --> 00:10:29,834 -No,�he�doesn't. -No,�he�doesn't. 216 00:10:29,862 --> 00:10:31,702 -At�all.�Nope. -(JACKSON�BABBLES) 217 00:10:31,731 --> 00:10:33,101 Is�it�loaded? 218 00:10:35,801 --> 00:10:39,311 We've�been�on�patrol for�about�six�hours�now. 219 00:10:39,338 --> 00:10:42,478 We�broke�for�lunch, eight�bathroom�trips, 220 00:10:42,508 --> 00:10:43,978 and�two�naps. 221 00:10:44,010 --> 00:10:45,780 We�talked�a�lot about�his�petition 222 00:10:45,811 --> 00:10:47,281 to�build�a�Walmart 223 00:10:47,313 --> 00:10:49,853 spanning�the�entire Canadian�border. 224 00:10:49,882 --> 00:10:52,282 But�mostly,�we�drank. 225 00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:54,288 MITCH:�(ON�RADIO) Donovan,�come�in,�over. 226 00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:56,220 Go�for�Donovan. 227 00:10:56,255 --> 00:10:58,085 Suspect�coming�out of�Hugo�Boss. 228 00:10:58,124 --> 00:10:59,734 We�got�a�potential�savings. 229 00:10:59,759 --> 00:11:02,829 Yeah,�it's�confirmed. It's�a�2-for-1,�10-4. 230 00:11:02,862 --> 00:11:05,302 -(GUNSHOT) -Jesus!�Fuck!�What�was�that? 231 00:11:05,331 --> 00:11:07,331 (PANTING)�Oh,�fuck! 232 00:11:09,201 --> 00:11:11,371 MITCH:��Help!�Help�me,�please! 233 00:11:11,404 --> 00:11:12,974 You�know�what,�buddy? Maybe�I�should�just�stay�here. 234 00:11:13,005 --> 00:11:14,405 Keep�a�look�out. 235 00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:17,010 It's�all�clear.�I�just�really need�medical�attention. 236 00:11:17,043 --> 00:11:18,983 -I've�been�shot! -Okay,�you've�been... 237 00:11:20,746 --> 00:11:22,446 That's�gross... 238 00:11:22,481 --> 00:11:24,621 DONAVON:��Mitch�and�I�both needed�medical�attention. 239 00:11:24,650 --> 00:11:28,690 Me,�for�a�concussion when�I�was�viciously�tripped by�an�unseen�insurgent. 240 00:11:28,721 --> 00:11:32,121 And�Mitch,�for�being�shot by�his�six-month-old�child. 241 00:11:32,158 --> 00:11:35,558 Jackson�thought�he�had�a�shot. I�gotta�trust�his�judgment. 242 00:11:35,594 --> 00:11:38,064 But�the�fact�that�I�wasn't targeted�by�a�foreigner, 243 00:11:38,097 --> 00:11:39,867 I've�never�felt�safer. 244 00:11:41,467 --> 00:11:43,567 This�is�so�hard to�say,�brother, 245 00:11:46,105 --> 00:11:48,265 but�I've�been�keeping something�from�you,�Mitch. 246 00:11:48,307 --> 00:11:49,707 I,�uh...�I'm... 247 00:11:50,576 --> 00:11:52,036 I'm�Canadian. 248 00:11:53,312 --> 00:11:55,982 Give�me�back my�Cyber�Monday�promo�codes, 249 00:11:56,015 --> 00:11:57,575 you�fucking�Canadian. 250 00:11:57,616 --> 00:11:59,016 (GRUNTING)�I'm�sorry! I'm�so�sorry! 251 00:11:59,051 --> 00:12:01,721 Wayne�Gretzky can't�save�you�now,�asshole! 252 00:12:01,754 --> 00:12:03,824 DONAVON:��In�a�way, I�felt�bad�for�Mitch. 253 00:12:03,856 --> 00:12:05,156 Ow!�Ow! 254 00:12:05,191 --> 00:12:07,131 He�lashed�out because�he�was�hurt. 255 00:12:07,159 --> 00:12:09,399 But�I�think�he�was most�hurt�by�the�bullet. 256 00:12:09,428 --> 00:12:12,968 And�the�fact�that�he�had to�miss�his�bachelor�party in�Montreal�that�weekend. 257 00:12:12,998 --> 00:12:16,398 For��The�Beaverton, I'm�Donavon�Stinson. 258 00:12:16,435 --> 00:12:17,995 Thanks�for that�report,�Donavon. 259 00:12:18,037 --> 00:12:20,367 And�the�cardigan�you�got�me. 260 00:12:20,406 --> 00:12:22,776 To�Israel�now,�where tensions�are�running�high 261 00:12:22,808 --> 00:12:26,008 after�disaster�struck a�Birthright�teen�tour. 262 00:12:26,045 --> 00:12:28,075 Sources�say that�at�11:00�p.m., 263 00:12:28,114 --> 00:12:31,084 Jonathan,�the�cool�Israeli soldier�with�the�hot�accent, 264 00:12:31,117 --> 00:12:34,387 rejected�Sarah Lipowicz-Goldenstienberg's advances 265 00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:37,360 and�slept�with�her�roommate Ronit�instead. 266 00:12:37,389 --> 00:12:40,159 We�flew�Marilla�Wex�directly into�the�conflict�zone 267 00:12:40,192 --> 00:12:42,192 early�this�morning at�the�King�David�Hotel. 268 00:12:42,228 --> 00:12:43,998 -Marilla? -Hi,�Miguel. 269 00:12:44,029 --> 00:12:45,399 The�mood�here�is�grim 270 00:12:45,431 --> 00:12:48,501 on�this�rite�of�passage for�Jewish�teenagers. 271 00:12:48,534 --> 00:12:50,274 Loud�shrieks ring�through�the�halls. 272 00:12:50,302 --> 00:12:53,672 The�unsettling�flashes�of camera�phones�are�a�constant. 273 00:12:53,706 --> 00:12:56,876 And�the�sickly�sweet�smell of�vodka�coolers�and�regret 274 00:12:56,909 --> 00:12:59,349 wafts�through�the�air. 275 00:12:59,378 --> 00:13:01,848 Is�there�any�indication as�to�what�Ronit�was�thinking? 276 00:13:01,881 --> 00:13:03,721 She�had�to�have�known the�international�community 277 00:13:03,749 --> 00:13:05,179 would�condemn�her�aggression. 278 00:13:05,217 --> 00:13:07,347 The�Associated�Press reported�earlier 279 00:13:07,386 --> 00:13:09,386 that�Ronit�knew Sarah�liked�Jonathan, 280 00:13:09,421 --> 00:13:11,861 which�was�later�confirmed by��Haaretz. 281 00:13:11,891 --> 00:13:13,491 Knowing�this, we�can�only�assume 282 00:13:13,526 --> 00:13:16,156 Ronit�intentionally went�behind�Sarah's�back, 283 00:13:16,195 --> 00:13:18,955 perhaps�as�retribution for�that�night�in�Eilat 284 00:13:18,998 --> 00:13:20,898 when�she�puked all�those�Jagerbombs 285 00:13:20,933 --> 00:13:23,873 into�Ronit's Longchamp�handbag. 286 00:13:23,903 --> 00:13:26,073 There�are�members of�Ronit's�faction 287 00:13:26,105 --> 00:13:29,535 who�continue�to�defend�her territorial�claim�to�Jonathan, 288 00:13:29,575 --> 00:13:31,735 pointing�to�Sarah's�reputation as�a�prude 289 00:13:31,777 --> 00:13:34,707 who�terrorizes�victims with�dry�hand�jobs. 290 00:13:34,747 --> 00:13:36,877 This�is�a�contentious talking�point. 291 00:13:36,916 --> 00:13:40,246 Marilla,�is�there�any consensus�on�the�ground to�the�truth�of�these�rumors? 292 00:13:40,286 --> 00:13:43,456 Yes,�her�hands are�like�sandpaper,�Miguel. 293 00:13:43,489 --> 00:13:47,329 But�still,�should�her�HJs be�held�to�a�higher�standard? 294 00:13:47,359 --> 00:13:49,459 After�all,�Ronit�went�so�far 295 00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:53,365 as�to�give�Jonathan�a�blowie at�the�Holocaust�Memorial. 296 00:13:53,399 --> 00:13:56,039 This�is�clearly a�conflict�rife�with�emotion. 297 00:13:56,068 --> 00:13:58,038 Stay�safe,�Marilla. 298 00:13:58,070 --> 00:14:00,570 Coming�up... Spanking�your�child�is�wrong, 299 00:14:00,606 --> 00:14:04,636 but�teaching�your�child�to spank�himself,�is�that�okay? 300 00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:07,607 Our�parenting�expert tells�you,�"No,�it's�not." 301 00:14:08,948 --> 00:14:10,878 (AUDIENCE�APPLAUDING) 302 00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:23,257 Later�this�hour... 303 00:14:23,295 --> 00:14:25,455 Pope�Francis has�once�again�asserted 304 00:14:25,497 --> 00:14:26,827 his�"Cool�Pope"�bona�fides 305 00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:29,336 with�a�progressive knuckle�tattoo. 306 00:14:29,368 --> 00:14:31,938 EMMA:��A�desperate�ISIS is�now�offering�martyrs 307 00:14:31,971 --> 00:14:35,071 seventy-two�virgins and�one�slut. 308 00:14:35,107 --> 00:14:37,437 MIGUEL:��And�after�a�flood at�Blackberry�headquarters, 309 00:14:37,476 --> 00:14:40,906 employees�are�scrambling to�immerse the�entire�building�in�rice. 310 00:14:42,448 --> 00:14:44,048 An�environmental�disaster 311 00:14:44,083 --> 00:14:45,783 struck�the�Gulf�of�Mexico today 312 00:14:45,818 --> 00:14:48,648 after�the�Bud�Light Cruise�ship�capsized, 313 00:14:48,687 --> 00:14:50,287 spilling�four�million�liters 314 00:14:50,322 --> 00:14:53,132 of�liquid�douchebag into�the�ocean. 315 00:14:53,158 --> 00:14:55,388 The�combination�of�hair�gel, spray�tan 316 00:14:55,427 --> 00:14:57,127 and�cruise�performer,�Pitbull, 317 00:14:57,162 --> 00:14:59,202 have�combined�to�form a�toxic�substance 318 00:14:59,231 --> 00:15:03,071 endangering�hundreds of�species�of�wildlife native�to�the�area. 319 00:15:03,102 --> 00:15:07,342 Worst�of�all, is�the�300�barrels�of�rohypnol that�has�been�released, 320 00:15:07,373 --> 00:15:09,843 causing�several�million sluggish�albacore�tuna 321 00:15:09,875 --> 00:15:11,675 to�be�groped�and�harassed 322 00:15:11,710 --> 00:15:14,810 by�a�gang�of roided�up�manatees. 323 00:15:14,847 --> 00:15:17,277 A�representative�for Anheuser-Busch�InBev 324 00:15:17,316 --> 00:15:19,886 expressed�regret for�the�unfortunate�situation, 325 00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:22,019 and�couldn't�fathom where�the�marine�mammals 326 00:15:22,054 --> 00:15:24,594 would�learn�such deplorable�behavior. 327 00:15:25,858 --> 00:15:27,558 Moving�on�to the�sports�world... 328 00:15:27,593 --> 00:15:29,403 From�huge�hits to�sweet�dangles, 329 00:15:29,428 --> 00:15:31,558 to�other�references I�understand, 330 00:15:31,597 --> 00:15:34,467 the�boys�at�the Beaverton�Sports�Network have�got�you�covered. 331 00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:35,940 Let's�go�to�them for�an�update. 332 00:15:40,572 --> 00:15:42,472 Evening�and�welcome�back�to the�Beaverton�Sports�Network. 333 00:15:42,508 --> 00:15:43,538 He's�Pat,�I'm�Luke. 334 00:15:43,575 --> 00:15:45,135 Both�of�us�wanted�to�be athletes�when�we�grew�up 335 00:15:45,177 --> 00:15:47,307 and�now�our�job�is�to�tell�you what�an�athlete�is�doing 336 00:15:47,346 --> 00:15:49,176 as�you�watch�a�clip�of�them do�that�thing. 337 00:15:49,214 --> 00:15:50,884 -We're�also�best�friends! -Oh,�yeah. 338 00:15:50,916 --> 00:15:52,476 We�begin�tonight�with�the�NBA, 339 00:15:52,518 --> 00:15:54,418 where�the�Toronto�Raptors and�Rogers�Communications 340 00:15:54,453 --> 00:15:56,223 have�reached�a�new�corporate sponsorship�agreement 341 00:15:56,255 --> 00:15:58,885 affecting�all�aspects of�the�in-game�experience. 342 00:15:58,924 --> 00:16:01,364 From�now�on,�the�basketball hoop�will�be�renamed 343 00:16:01,393 --> 00:16:02,733 the�"Rogers�Ring," 344 00:16:02,761 --> 00:16:05,301 the�ball,�"a�Rogers�bouncy" and�the�shot�clock 345 00:16:05,331 --> 00:16:09,131 "the�24-second�Ted�Rogers memorial�shot�expiration countdown�bundle." 346 00:16:09,168 --> 00:16:10,738 -Killing�it,�bud! -Thanks,�man. 347 00:16:10,769 --> 00:16:12,199 The�federal�government is�offering 348 00:16:12,237 --> 00:16:13,707 the�National�Lacrosse�League relief�after�witnessing 349 00:16:13,739 --> 00:16:16,509 the�squalid�conditions�of�the Regina�Rangers'�facilities. 350 00:16:16,542 --> 00:16:17,682 -Great�job,�man. -I�know. 351 00:16:17,710 --> 00:16:19,750 In�the�NHL,�pressure is�on�the�nation's�teams 352 00:16:19,778 --> 00:16:22,008 to�avoid�a�repeat of�last�season's�failures, 353 00:16:22,047 --> 00:16:24,647 where�not�a�single�Canadian squad�made�the�playoffs. 354 00:16:24,683 --> 00:16:27,023 Fortunately,�the�players appear�unconcerned, 355 00:16:27,052 --> 00:16:28,992 insisting�that, thanks�to�brain�injuries, 356 00:16:29,021 --> 00:16:31,121 they�don't�even�remember last�year. 357 00:16:31,156 --> 00:16:33,356 Confident�as�ever, Flames�D-man�Dennis�Wideman 358 00:16:33,392 --> 00:16:35,932 told�reporters�that last�season�was�nothing�more 359 00:16:35,961 --> 00:16:39,001 than�a�gray,�painful�blur with�lots�of�ringing�noises. 360 00:16:39,031 --> 00:16:40,631 -Love�you,�dude. -I�do�this�for�you. 361 00:16:40,666 --> 00:16:42,426 But�the�biggest�story in�the�hockey�world 362 00:16:42,468 --> 00:16:44,068 is�talented�Leafs�forward and�number�one�overall�pick, 363 00:16:44,103 --> 00:16:46,273 Auston�Matthews, breaking�into�the�NHL. 364 00:16:46,305 --> 00:16:48,235 His�arrival�has�led to�a�lot�of�speculation, 365 00:16:48,273 --> 00:16:49,643 and�has�also�caused a�bit�of�a�dispute 366 00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:51,035 between�Pat�and�myself 367 00:16:51,076 --> 00:16:52,676 about�how�exactly�the�Leafs will�blow�this�one. 368 00:16:52,711 --> 00:16:54,811 I�think�the�Toronto�media�is gonna�be�the�key�here,�okay? 369 00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:56,817 This�is�an�American�kid from�Arizona, 370 00:16:56,849 --> 00:16:58,779 where�hockey is�just�below�lawn�bowling 371 00:16:58,817 --> 00:17:00,487 in�terms�of�sports�popularity. 372 00:17:00,519 --> 00:17:01,949 He's�not�used�to�the�spotlight 373 00:17:01,987 --> 00:17:04,387 and�the�endless�columns criticizing�his�every�move. 374 00:17:04,423 --> 00:17:06,633 It�is�going�to�eat�him�alive. 375 00:17:06,658 --> 00:17:08,158 I�could�not�disagree�more. 376 00:17:08,193 --> 00:17:10,163 Clearly,�what�is�going to�destroy�Auston�Matthews 377 00:17:10,195 --> 00:17:12,655 are�Toronto's�clubs and�endless�hockey�groupies. 378 00:17:12,698 --> 00:17:14,698 Within�a�few�years he'll�be�high-sticking�dudes 379 00:17:14,733 --> 00:17:16,903 just�so�he�can�get�to�the penalty�box�and�check�Tinder. 380 00:17:16,935 --> 00:17:19,705 You're�crazy. He's�a�shy�kid�who's�gonna go�inside�his�shell 381 00:17:19,738 --> 00:17:21,368 the�second�the��Toronto�Sun turns�on�him. 382 00:17:21,407 --> 00:17:22,907 It's�Phil�Kessel all�over�again. 383 00:17:22,941 --> 00:17:25,181 No�way.�He's�gonna�get obliterated�on�King�West. 384 00:17:25,210 --> 00:17:26,680 He's�Shayne�Corson all�over�again! 385 00:17:26,712 --> 00:17:28,152 Okay,�well, can�we�at�least�agree�that, 386 00:17:28,180 --> 00:17:30,480 like�all�great�Leafs�forwards, he'll�get�horrifically�injured 387 00:17:30,516 --> 00:17:32,576 the�second�things�start going�well.�I�mean,�he�is... 388 00:17:32,618 --> 00:17:34,518 BOTH:�Dougie�Gilmour all�over�again! 389 00:17:34,553 --> 00:17:35,893 -Thank�you. -Right.�Right. 390 00:17:35,921 --> 00:17:38,161 That's�totally�how�it'll�go. 391 00:17:38,190 --> 00:17:40,160 -So,�debate�over? -Debate�over. 392 00:17:40,192 --> 00:17:41,262 Still�friends? 393 00:17:41,293 --> 00:17:42,863 I'm�still wearing�my�locket.�You? 394 00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:44,195 No. 395 00:17:44,229 --> 00:17:45,859 That's�about�it for�this�BSN�update, 396 00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:48,028 tune�in�at�11:00,�where we'll�talk�to�the�survivors 397 00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:49,937 of�the�first�ever Aussie�Rules�Zumba�class. 398 00:18:04,349 --> 00:18:05,479 Welcome�back. 399 00:18:05,517 --> 00:18:07,917 Who�run�the�world?�Girls! 400 00:18:07,953 --> 00:18:10,623 Specifically�hot�girls in�the�demo. 401 00:18:10,656 --> 00:18:12,886 To�help�you�stay on�the�right�side�of�30, 402 00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:15,985 our�own�beauty�maven,�Amber, is�here�with�"Amber's�Alert." 403 00:18:16,028 --> 00:18:17,198 (SIREN�BLARING) 404 00:18:17,229 --> 00:18:19,329 K,�listen�up�you�froshie�pigs. 405 00:18:19,364 --> 00:18:21,834 From�your�crow's�feet to�your�ho's�feet, 406 00:18:21,867 --> 00:18:23,237 I've�got�you�covered. 407 00:18:23,268 --> 00:18:25,968 Shit's�getting�real,�guys. 408 00:18:26,004 --> 00:18:28,314 A�new�study�says it�costs�an�average�woman 409 00:18:28,340 --> 00:18:32,640 over�$2�million�dollars�in�her lifetime�just�to�be�a�seven. 410 00:18:34,012 --> 00:18:36,382 A�Toronto�seven or�a�Winnipeg�seven? 411 00:18:36,415 --> 00:18:38,145 And�with the�unwavering�expectations 412 00:18:38,183 --> 00:18:39,593 around�body�hair�removal, 413 00:18:39,618 --> 00:18:42,958 that�could�soon�fall to�a�Sudbury�six. 414 00:18:42,988 --> 00:18:46,128 Why�do�female�healthcare products�cost�more�than�men's 415 00:18:46,158 --> 00:18:47,958 when�their�dicks�are�so�much bigger�than�ours? 416 00:18:47,993 --> 00:18:49,863 What�can�we�women�do? 417 00:18:49,895 --> 00:18:52,055 We�need�to�make a�strong�statement. 418 00:18:52,097 --> 00:18:53,997 And�the�best�way to�make�a�statement 419 00:18:54,032 --> 00:18:55,632 is�to�say�nothing�at�all. 420 00:18:55,667 --> 00:18:58,397 Let�your�lips'�color do�the�talking�for�you. 421 00:18:58,437 --> 00:19:00,707 With�ConcealHer's new�line�of�lip�gloss, 422 00:19:00,739 --> 00:19:03,539 you�can�look�good and�feel�secure�that�you�do. 423 00:19:03,575 --> 00:19:05,005 Made�with�epoxy�glue, 424 00:19:05,043 --> 00:19:08,113 your�hot�lips�will�literally be�locked�and�loaded, 425 00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:11,177 so�you�can't�speak�or�eat! 426 00:19:11,216 --> 00:19:13,186 That's�why�it's�this�week's 427 00:19:13,218 --> 00:19:14,988 -Amber's�Alert! -(SIREN�BLARING) 428 00:19:15,020 --> 00:19:17,860 So,�what�are�the�big�colors we�can�expect to�see�this�fall? 429 00:19:17,890 --> 00:19:19,660 You'll�have the�perfect�pout�in, 430 00:19:19,691 --> 00:19:21,491 "You�could�lose�a�few�blue." 431 00:19:21,527 --> 00:19:24,427 Or,�look�and�feel amazing�in, 432 00:19:24,463 --> 00:19:27,673 "I�don't�care if�you�text�me�back,�Jared!" 433 00:19:27,699 --> 00:19:31,499 This�line�is�gonna change�your�life. 434 00:19:31,537 --> 00:19:33,567 Any�other�tips for�the�beauty�savvy? 435 00:19:33,605 --> 00:19:36,475 When�it�comes�to�teeth, there's�no�room�for�diversity. 436 00:19:36,508 --> 00:19:39,138 Keep�'em�straight and�keep�'em�white. 437 00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:41,248 -Obviously. -Oh,�but�don't�worry,�Miguel, 438 00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:42,510 when�it�comes�to�hair, 439 00:19:42,548 --> 00:19:45,648 the�ethnic�look�is�super�in right�now. 440 00:19:45,684 --> 00:19:48,194 -Why�would�I,�uh... -That's�it�for�Amber's�Alert. 441 00:19:48,220 --> 00:19:50,260 I'm�Amber�reminding�you 442 00:19:50,289 --> 00:19:53,459 everything�everyone�is�saying about�you�is�true. 443 00:19:54,226 --> 00:19:56,256 Thanks,�Amber. 444 00:19:56,295 --> 00:19:58,025 Before�we�end the�show�tonight, 445 00:19:58,063 --> 00:19:59,633 we�wanted�our�viewers�to�know 446 00:19:59,665 --> 00:20:02,895 about�our�office-wide step�challenge. 447 00:20:02,935 --> 00:20:04,895 And�Miguel�and�I�have�agreed to�have�our�results 448 00:20:04,937 --> 00:20:06,267 shown�on�the�air. 449 00:20:07,806 --> 00:20:09,336 -Oh!�(CHUCKLES) -Emma! 450 00:20:09,374 --> 00:20:12,244 You�walked�18,000�steps yesterday.�That's�amazing. 451 00:20:12,277 --> 00:20:13,707 Ran,�actually. 452 00:20:13,745 --> 00:20:15,105 The�security�guard was�relentless. 453 00:20:15,147 --> 00:20:19,317 Okay,�Miguel, let's�see�if�you�beat�that. 454 00:20:20,219 --> 00:20:21,489 Okay. 455 00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:22,790 There's�gotta�be something�wrong. 456 00:20:22,821 --> 00:20:24,921 How�did�you�only�take 23�steps? 457 00:20:24,957 --> 00:20:26,387 After�last�night's�broadcast, 458 00:20:26,425 --> 00:20:28,555 I�sat�in�my�chair until�tonight's�broadcast. 459 00:20:28,594 --> 00:20:31,664 You�know,�like�a�professional. 460 00:20:31,697 --> 00:20:34,027 So,�you�just sat�here�all�night? What�did�you�do? 461 00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:36,736 I�read�from�the�teleprompter, did�breathing�exercises, 462 00:20:36,768 --> 00:20:38,738 got�in�three�hours of�gravitas�practice. 463 00:20:38,770 --> 00:20:40,240 Check�this�out. 464 00:20:40,272 --> 00:20:42,912 Seventeen�were�killed�today in�a�speed-boat�accident. 465 00:20:44,810 --> 00:20:46,550 How'd�you�go�to�the�bathroom? 466 00:20:46,578 --> 00:20:48,708 That's�all�the�time we�have�for�tonight. 467 00:20:48,747 --> 00:20:50,277 For��The�Beaverton, I'm�Miguel�Rivas. 468 00:20:50,315 --> 00:20:51,415 And�I'm�Emma�Hunter. 469 00:20:51,450 --> 00:20:53,020 And�I�have just�as�much�gravitas. 470 00:20:53,051 --> 00:20:54,621 Eighteen�were�killed�today in�a�speed-boat�accident. 471 00:20:54,653 --> 00:20:56,663 Twenty�were�killed on�two�speed�boats. 472 00:20:56,688 --> 00:20:59,058 Three�hundred�speed�boats were�killed�themselves by�themselves 473 00:20:59,091 --> 00:21:00,361 with�guns,�cannons. 474 00:21:00,392 --> 00:21:01,492 Emma�was�killed without�gravitas. 475 00:21:01,526 --> 00:21:03,126 War's�not�a�joke. 476 00:21:03,161 --> 00:21:04,561 (MUSIC�PLAYING) 477 00:21:04,596 --> 00:21:06,996 (SPEAKING�INDISTINCTLY) 43366

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