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All language subtitles for The Young Ones Season 1 Episode 03 - Boring

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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,105 --> 00:00:02,600 Compartilhado por http://DJJ.HOME.SAPO.PT/ 2 00:00:02,614 --> 00:00:05,208 # Uma vez na vida 3 00:00:05,374 --> 00:00:07,285 # Vem um amor assim 4 00:00:07,454 --> 00:00:10,366 # Eu preciso de você, você precisa de mim 5 00:00:10,534 --> 00:00:13,048 # Oh, minha querida, você não pode ver? 6 00:00:15,174 --> 00:00:18,052 # Querida, nós somos os jovens 7 00:00:18,214 --> 00:00:20,330 # Os mais jovens 8 00:00:20,494 --> 00:00:23,372 # (RICK) Não deveria ter medo 9 00:00:23,534 --> 00:00:25,286 # Viver 10 00:00:25,454 --> 00:00:26,773 # Ame 11 00:00:26,934 --> 00:00:28,811 # Há uma música para ser cantada 12 00:00:28,974 --> 00:00:31,442 # Porque podemos não ser os Jovens 13 00:00:31,614 --> 00:00:33,286 # Muito longo... # 14 00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:40,074 Anuncie seu produto ou marca aqui, entre em contato com www.OpenSubtitles.org hoje 15 00:00:58,134 --> 00:01:01,126 Hã? Vejo você, Jimmy. 16 00:01:01,294 --> 00:01:04,331 - Eu tenho o sete de espadas. - Seu rato! 17 00:01:04,494 --> 00:01:06,962 Eu sou um rato. Ha-ha! 18 00:01:09,734 --> 00:01:12,567 (MÚSICA DE DANÇA) 19 00:01:28,894 --> 00:01:31,488 (COCK CROWS) 20 00:01:45,174 --> 00:01:47,165 (BANGING E CRASH) 21 00:01:47,334 --> 00:01:50,053 (NEIL) A manhã rompeu. 22 00:01:50,214 --> 00:01:52,170 Ela me ama. 23 00:01:54,294 --> 00:01:56,285 Ela me ama muito. 24 00:01:57,454 --> 00:01:59,445 Ela me ama. 25 00:02:00,134 --> 00:02:01,931 Ela me ama muito. 26 00:02:02,094 --> 00:02:05,370 Bem, terminei a competição de carros novos. 27 00:02:05,534 --> 00:02:07,525 Vou ganhar um Ford Tippex. 28 00:02:09,294 --> 00:02:10,727 É realmente fácil. 29 00:02:10,894 --> 00:02:17,493 Tudo o que você precisa fazer é combinar seis narizes famosos com seis bogeys famosos. 30 00:02:20,934 --> 00:02:22,890 Pensei que isso te chocaria. 31 00:02:23,054 --> 00:02:26,683 It's not true, 'cause then you've got to say in ten words 32 00:02:26,854 --> 00:02:30,051 what cornflakes mean to you, so I put: 33 00:02:30,214 --> 00:02:32,091 ''Cornflakes. 34 00:02:32,254 --> 00:02:33,733 ''Cornflakes. 35 00:02:33,894 --> 00:02:36,533 ''Cornflakes. Cornflakes. Cornflakes. 36 00:02:36,694 --> 00:02:40,607 ''Cornflakes. Cornflakes. Cornflakes. Cornflakes.'' 37 00:02:40,774 --> 00:02:42,890 Pathetic! 38 00:02:43,814 --> 00:02:46,203 - You'll never win, Vyvyan. - Why not? 39 00:02:46,374 --> 00:02:48,683 There's only nine words. 40 00:02:48,854 --> 00:02:51,846 Oh, yeah... Cornflakes. 41 00:02:52,494 --> 00:02:55,691 You'll still never win. Nothing interesting ever happens to us. 42 00:02:55,854 --> 00:02:59,164 - Stop being so boring, Rick. - That's nice! 43 00:02:59,334 --> 00:03:02,849 That's very nice, coming from someone as boring as you! 44 00:03:03,014 --> 00:03:07,405 Can you two stop hassling each other? I'm getting bored of it. 45 00:03:07,574 --> 00:03:10,293 Oh, dear me! Neil's getting bored. 46 00:03:10,454 --> 00:03:13,571 Boring Neil's getting a taste of his own medicine. 47 00:03:13,734 --> 00:03:17,647 Listen, we're overdoing the boredom motif in this conversation. 48 00:03:17,814 --> 00:03:20,374 It's time to extend our vocabulary. 49 00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:24,447 - All I said... - Yeah, we heard and it was boring. 50 00:03:24,614 --> 00:03:27,174 - We decided... - YOU decided, Michael! 51 00:03:27,334 --> 00:03:29,928 Guys! Guys! 52 00:03:30,614 --> 00:03:32,286 Look at us, 53 00:03:32,454 --> 00:03:34,365 squabbling, 54 00:03:34,534 --> 00:03:36,411 bickering, 55 00:03:36,574 --> 00:03:38,565 like children. 56 00:03:38,734 --> 00:03:40,645 What's happening to us? 57 00:03:40,814 --> 00:03:44,011 We never used to be like this. 58 00:03:44,174 --> 00:03:46,734 Yes, we did. 59 00:03:46,894 --> 00:03:49,169 He's right, we've always been like this. 60 00:03:49,334 --> 00:03:53,293 Well, yes, I know, but... But that's exactly my point. 61 00:03:53,454 --> 00:03:56,491 Nothing ever changes, nothing ever happens to us. 62 00:03:58,334 --> 00:04:00,450 Monopoly? 63 00:04:00,614 --> 00:04:01,933 Yes. 64 00:04:03,814 --> 00:04:06,453 The Old Kent Road, that's mine. Pay up! 65 00:04:06,614 --> 00:04:11,529 All right, I think the Mike Exchequer can handle a debt of £4. 66 00:04:11,694 --> 00:04:15,607 Wouldn't it be amazing if all this money was real? 67 00:04:17,014 --> 00:04:20,245 That is the single most predictable and boring thing 68 00:04:20,414 --> 00:04:23,008 anybody could say whilst playing Monopoly! 69 00:04:23,694 --> 00:04:26,254 What about saying ''Vyvyan''? That's pretty boring! 70 00:04:26,414 --> 00:04:29,963 ''You have won second prize in a beauty contest, 71 00:04:30,134 --> 00:04:33,251 ''smash Rick over the head with the bank.'' 72 00:04:35,254 --> 00:04:37,370 It did not say that, Vyvyan's cheating! 73 00:04:39,254 --> 00:04:41,290 No, that's exactly what it says. 74 00:04:41,454 --> 00:04:44,844 In biro! In biro over the top of the print! 75 00:04:46,054 --> 00:04:49,012 But we changed the rules 'cause it's so boring! 76 00:04:49,174 --> 00:04:53,133 ''Congratulations, it's your birthday. You may set fire to Rick's bed.'' 77 00:04:53,294 --> 00:04:54,613 Good one! 78 00:04:55,174 --> 00:05:01,170 ''Get out of jail free. Keep this card or stick it up Rick's bottom.'' 79 00:05:01,334 --> 00:05:05,213 - Vyvyan, you've ruined the game! - I was bored! 80 00:05:05,374 --> 00:05:06,693 That's nothing. 81 00:05:06,854 --> 00:05:11,370 Neil's so bored, he's gone to the garden to kill himself. And it's his go! 82 00:05:19,054 --> 00:05:21,284 You're a spade. 83 00:05:21,454 --> 00:05:23,843 I always call him that. 84 00:05:29,534 --> 00:05:31,764 From Monopoly to the grave, 85 00:05:31,934 --> 00:05:36,007 the most interesting thing that ever happens to me is sneezing. 86 00:05:36,174 --> 00:05:39,610 - I wish I was Magnus Magnusson. - Hey, Neil! 87 00:05:39,774 --> 00:05:42,732 (MIKE) Monopoly passes the time at Christmas... 88 00:05:42,894 --> 00:05:46,250 - ..but I'm not waiting that long. - No, it's all right. 89 00:05:46,414 --> 00:05:51,647 I'm just digging a grave. I won't kill myself today, but... 90 00:05:51,814 --> 00:05:54,567 ..it's just in case, y'know? 91 00:06:02,014 --> 00:06:05,006 (LAUGHTER AND EXCITEMENT, FUNFAIR MUSIC) 92 00:06:05,854 --> 00:06:10,484 Living in a world where nothing boring ever happens 93 00:06:10,654 --> 00:06:13,771 can be a real pisser! 94 00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:18,765 Sire, the man in the time machine has just returned 95 00:06:18,934 --> 00:06:22,051 with the actual video of the birth of Christ. 96 00:06:22,214 --> 00:06:25,365 - Would you care to...? - Not now, minion! 97 00:06:25,534 --> 00:06:30,562 Also, next door the Rolling Stones are making a new album, 98 00:06:30,734 --> 00:06:35,285 while two hippopotamus make love underneath the piano. 99 00:06:35,454 --> 00:06:41,324 The King is bored shitless with interesting things, minion. 100 00:06:41,494 --> 00:06:44,372 And so am I. 101 00:06:44,934 --> 00:06:47,528 What I want is to meet someone 102 00:06:47,694 --> 00:06:53,485 who is totally and utterly mind-numbingly boring. 103 00:06:54,254 --> 00:06:56,893 But I suppose I never will. 104 00:06:57,694 --> 00:07:00,367 (DEEP MELANCHOLY SIGH) 105 00:07:06,294 --> 00:07:09,411 I suppose it's because I'm so boring 106 00:07:09,574 --> 00:07:12,566 that I never get to meet any interesting people. 107 00:07:14,054 --> 00:07:18,650 So you've decided to come in, Neil. We finished Monopoly, and you lost! 108 00:07:18,814 --> 00:07:21,567 Oh, I'm amazed I lasted as long as I did. 109 00:07:21,734 --> 00:07:23,964 (BANGING AT THE FRONT DOOR) 110 00:07:24,854 --> 00:07:27,652 - Someone at the door, Rick. - Someone at the door, Vyvyan. 111 00:07:27,814 --> 00:07:30,374 - Someone at the door, Neil. - Someone at the door, Mike. 112 00:07:30,534 --> 00:07:33,332 I know! (HARDER BANGING AT THE DOOR) 113 00:07:33,494 --> 00:07:38,170 - Someone at the door, Rick! - Someone at the door, Vyvyan! 114 00:07:38,334 --> 00:07:43,647 - Someone at the door, Mike! - Someone at the door, Neil...? 115 00:07:44,974 --> 00:07:46,965 Don't look at me, I'm in Paris. 116 00:07:48,414 --> 00:07:52,692 - You haven't left the house all day. - You ever heard of cloning? 117 00:07:52,854 --> 00:07:55,288 - No! - Would you swear to that? 118 00:07:55,454 --> 00:07:58,810 Certainly, if that's what you want. 119 00:07:58,974 --> 00:08:01,204 Big jobs! 120 00:08:02,334 --> 00:08:03,653 Ow! 121 00:08:03,814 --> 00:08:05,133 (MORE BANGING) 122 00:08:05,294 --> 00:08:08,172 Hey, guys. Great idea, listen. 123 00:08:08,334 --> 00:08:13,124 Listen, why don't we decide who's gonna answer the door, 124 00:08:13,294 --> 00:08:17,253 and then that person can go and answer it, 125 00:08:17,414 --> 00:08:20,963 and find out who it is and who they want to see, 126 00:08:21,134 --> 00:08:27,607 come back in here and tell whoever it is that there's someone to see them. 127 00:08:28,134 --> 00:08:30,364 - Neil, do me a favour. - What? 128 00:08:30,534 --> 00:08:32,923 Die! 129 00:08:33,094 --> 00:08:36,803 I suppose I'll have to answer it as usual. 130 00:08:43,854 --> 00:08:46,687 All right? Somebody call a taxi? 131 00:08:46,854 --> 00:08:49,527 Billy Balowski! Who needs pleasure? 132 00:08:49,694 --> 00:08:54,484 - Hello, Billy. How are the trees? - Who called a taxi? 133 00:08:54,654 --> 00:08:57,293 You got a message from Mr Balowski? 134 00:08:57,454 --> 00:09:01,891 - I'm Mr Balowski! - No, your brother Jerzei's message. 135 00:09:02,054 --> 00:09:07,003 Got a piece of paper. Whoever called the taxi can have the message. 136 00:09:07,814 --> 00:09:10,453 All right, all right... I called a taxi. 137 00:09:10,614 --> 00:09:12,730 Okey-dokey, where do you want to go? 138 00:09:13,374 --> 00:09:18,767 - I don't want to go anywhere! - Why did you call a taxi, then? 139 00:09:18,934 --> 00:09:22,085 I had to come all the way from Brazil for this! 140 00:09:22,254 --> 00:09:25,405 They'll stop my wages! Know how much I earn? 141 00:09:25,574 --> 00:09:28,327 I can't even afford new shoelaces! 142 00:09:28,494 --> 00:09:31,213 It's a good job you're not a taxi driver, then! 143 00:09:31,374 --> 00:09:36,209 - Good job I'm wearing Wellingtons! - Look! Just give us the note! 144 00:09:37,774 --> 00:09:41,210 - I'm thirsty. - It's in the cupboard. 145 00:09:51,494 --> 00:09:54,406 No, not the goldfish! 146 00:09:54,574 --> 00:09:56,485 (SLURPING NOISES) 147 00:09:57,254 --> 00:10:01,293 A-hem! Don't worry, goldfish everywhere! 148 00:10:01,454 --> 00:10:04,730 I'm in fact a stunt goldfish. 149 00:10:04,894 --> 00:10:07,931 In fact, by the time this programme comes out, 150 00:10:08,094 --> 00:10:11,484 I'll be doing the new James Bond film. 151 00:10:11,654 --> 00:10:13,884 So there's no need to write in. 152 00:10:14,054 --> 00:10:16,329 Sure, they never read the letters anyway! 153 00:10:18,854 --> 00:10:20,173 (LOUD BELCH) 154 00:10:22,734 --> 00:10:25,373 Oh, hello, pussycat! 155 00:10:25,534 --> 00:10:27,445 Here's your Uncle Billy. 156 00:10:27,614 --> 00:10:29,605 What you doing in a bucket? 157 00:10:29,774 --> 00:10:32,049 Come on, let's play Daleks! 158 00:10:32,214 --> 00:10:34,284 Exterminate! Exterminate! 159 00:10:34,454 --> 00:10:36,524 Exterminate! Exterminate! 160 00:10:36,694 --> 00:10:39,288 'Ere, look, what am I now? 161 00:10:39,454 --> 00:10:41,729 Come on, quick, quick! 162 00:10:41,894 --> 00:10:43,805 A pain in the arse? 163 00:10:43,974 --> 00:10:47,649 No, I'm a hairbrush! OK, let's try another one. 164 00:10:47,814 --> 00:10:50,533 'Ere we go. What am I now? 165 00:10:50,694 --> 00:10:54,323 - Clinically insane? - No, Little House on the Prairie! 166 00:10:54,894 --> 00:10:56,885 - Billy... - Sir Billy! 167 00:10:57,054 --> 00:11:00,569 - Sir Billy... - Why don't you just go away? 168 00:11:00,734 --> 00:11:04,773 - 'Cause I got a message for you! - Then give it to us! 169 00:11:04,934 --> 00:11:08,290 - Doesn't he get excited? - Aaaargh! 170 00:11:08,454 --> 00:11:12,208 Right, this is the message. I'll read it to you. 171 00:11:12,374 --> 00:11:15,491 Are we ready, clocks? Right...hang on! 172 00:11:15,654 --> 00:11:19,124 There's no words on this. They must've fallen off. 173 00:11:19,294 --> 00:11:22,411 No, it's all right, they're on the other side... 174 00:11:23,054 --> 00:11:25,045 - Finders keepers, losers weepers! - Rick! 175 00:11:28,774 --> 00:11:31,732 I've not always been mad, but... 176 00:11:31,894 --> 00:11:35,569 I was driven mad by the indifference of architects and council planners. 177 00:11:35,734 --> 00:11:39,693 I live in a tower block, and there's a terrible noise problem. 178 00:11:39,854 --> 00:11:42,652 There's no noise insulation, 179 00:11:42,814 --> 00:11:46,807 and there's always some bastard with a Yamaha home organ. 180 00:11:46,974 --> 00:11:50,205 You're about to go to sleep, and you hear... 181 00:11:50,374 --> 00:11:52,729 ''Roll out the barrel!'' 182 00:11:52,894 --> 00:11:55,089 (IMITATES ELECTRONIC ORGAN) 183 00:11:55,254 --> 00:11:59,611 The people who live upstairs, I can't understand what they're doing. 184 00:11:59,774 --> 00:12:03,562 All I can hear is this weird noise. It goes, ''Vroom, vroom! Blam, blam!'' 185 00:12:03,734 --> 00:12:05,611 ''Vroom, vroom! Blam, blam!'' 186 00:12:05,774 --> 00:12:10,404 It sounds like two elephants on a motorbike riding round 187 00:12:10,574 --> 00:12:14,328 while a seal bangs a kipper on the table. 188 00:12:14,494 --> 00:12:19,488 I went upstairs to complain and was met by an elephant in a crash helmet! 189 00:12:19,654 --> 00:12:23,772 Standing behind was a seal going, ''What is it now, Ralph?'' 190 00:12:23,934 --> 00:12:28,325 Something cracked inside, and I thought I was a piece of sponge. 191 00:12:28,494 --> 00:12:32,487 I started getting very depressed, and I just can't hold it down... 192 00:12:34,014 --> 00:12:36,323 What does the note say, Mike? 193 00:12:36,494 --> 00:12:38,132 ''Dear boys, 194 00:12:38,294 --> 00:12:41,206 ''Don't let Billy near the goldfish bowl. 195 00:12:41,374 --> 00:12:44,332 ''Your friend and landlord, Jerzei Balowski.'' 196 00:12:46,654 --> 00:12:49,851 There's no one there. 197 00:12:50,014 --> 00:12:52,369 God, how boring! 198 00:12:53,974 --> 00:12:59,765 (ARTHUR BROWN) I am the god of hell-fire, I bring you fire... 199 00:13:04,374 --> 00:13:06,842 - Would Mr Saunders like some cake? - Yes, please. 200 00:13:07,014 --> 00:13:08,811 There we are, then. 201 00:13:08,974 --> 00:13:11,807 - That looks nice, doesn't it? - Thank you. 202 00:13:11,974 --> 00:13:14,363 - Anything wrong? - I can't reach it. 203 00:13:14,534 --> 00:13:17,367 He can't reach it. No problem. 204 00:13:19,814 --> 00:13:23,773 - Look, it's spilt some! - Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. 205 00:13:23,934 --> 00:13:28,564 Who's a naughty boy? We'll have to get that cleaned up. 206 00:13:28,734 --> 00:13:30,452 - Orgo? - Yes, Futma? 207 00:13:30,614 --> 00:13:32,570 - Ftumch! - Ftumch. 208 00:13:32,734 --> 00:13:35,646 Pass me that can of lager. 209 00:13:35,814 --> 00:13:38,772 Soon have it looking like a new pin. 210 00:13:38,934 --> 00:13:40,925 Oh, yeah. 211 00:13:41,454 --> 00:13:42,773 Yeah! 212 00:13:42,934 --> 00:13:46,085 - Brillo pad. - Oh, no! No, please! 213 00:13:50,494 --> 00:13:53,930 - Let's give it some Barry Manilow. - Oh, no! 214 00:13:54,094 --> 00:13:56,130 (MUSIC THROUGH HEADPHONES) 215 00:13:56,294 --> 00:13:59,206 It really gets off on Barry. 216 00:13:59,374 --> 00:14:02,286 Orgo? Any news of your promotion? 217 00:14:02,454 --> 00:14:03,967 Oh, yeah... 218 00:14:04,134 --> 00:14:10,403 I've got another ten souls to collect and then it's a cushy job in admin. 219 00:14:10,574 --> 00:14:14,169 Mind you, it's taken me five millennia to get this far, 220 00:14:14,334 --> 00:14:17,804 'cause no one summons you up to Earth with a name like Orgo. 221 00:14:17,974 --> 00:14:21,523 People don't say Orgo by accident, do they? 222 00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:25,050 Oh, is it not loud enough for you? 223 00:14:27,454 --> 00:14:29,445 At least you're in with a chance. 224 00:14:29,614 --> 00:14:34,404 Someone might say, ''Shall we go to the theatre or-go to the cinema?'' 225 00:14:34,574 --> 00:14:38,362 They might say, ''Shall we go shopping or-go...?'' 226 00:14:38,534 --> 00:14:42,049 But no one ever says my name. No one says Ftumch. 227 00:14:42,214 --> 00:14:45,968 - Why couldn't I be called William? - I don't know. 228 00:14:46,134 --> 00:14:48,887 'Ere, look at this. 229 00:14:50,894 --> 00:14:52,566 - What's that? - Dunno. 230 00:14:52,734 --> 00:14:54,725 Bloody hell! 231 00:14:58,014 --> 00:14:59,891 Bloody hell! 232 00:15:00,054 --> 00:15:02,932 No room for me on the sofa as usual. 233 00:15:03,094 --> 00:15:06,484 I'll have to sit on the rickety chair. 234 00:15:06,654 --> 00:15:08,565 Oh, goody gum drops! 235 00:15:08,734 --> 00:15:12,204 Just in time to watch ''Oh, Crikey'' on ITV. 236 00:15:12,374 --> 00:15:15,684 Oh, Rick! We were watching ''Bastard Squad''. 237 00:15:15,854 --> 00:15:20,405 Were you? Get off the sofa and turn it over, I don't mind. 238 00:15:21,454 --> 00:15:25,083 Oh...no, I've hurt my back. 239 00:15:25,254 --> 00:15:27,210 What a shame! 240 00:15:27,374 --> 00:15:31,003 (WOMAN) No, that"ll be the vicarI Answer the door. 241 00:15:31,174 --> 00:15:34,723 - Why can"t you? - I have my apron onI Ha-haI 242 00:15:34,894 --> 00:15:37,966 I"ll go and take it off while you answer the door. 243 00:15:38,134 --> 00:15:39,453 RightI 244 00:15:42,454 --> 00:15:45,173 No, no...I Oh, dear. 245 00:15:45,334 --> 00:15:49,771 My trousers have fallen down. Lucky the vicar didn"t see. 246 00:15:49,934 --> 00:15:53,290 No, Biffo, noI 247 00:15:53,454 --> 00:15:57,766 Come here, you naughty boyI Biffo, hold still. 248 00:15:57,934 --> 00:16:00,050 Biffo, come hereI 249 00:16:00,214 --> 00:16:03,126 - Oh, crikeyI - CrikeyI 250 00:16:03,294 --> 00:16:05,285 I can explain... 251 00:16:07,414 --> 00:16:09,211 Oh, crikeyI 252 00:16:11,534 --> 00:16:15,288 Ha-ha! Fooled you! You fell right into my trap! 253 00:16:15,454 --> 00:16:18,207 - You can sit on the rickety chair. - Yeah? 254 00:16:18,374 --> 00:16:20,285 Oh, yeah! 255 00:16:22,734 --> 00:16:25,851 I'll sit on the floor, if that's all right with you? 256 00:16:26,014 --> 00:16:28,130 Mike? Not in your way, am I? 257 00:16:28,294 --> 00:16:30,569 This is my favourite programme. 258 00:16:30,734 --> 00:16:34,727 It'd be typical if it was interrupted by a news flash about a siege. 259 00:16:37,334 --> 00:16:39,370 (ANNOUNCER) We interrupt this programme 260 00:16:39,534 --> 00:16:43,288 to bring you up-to-the-minute coverage of a siege in north London. 261 00:16:43,454 --> 00:16:47,413 We join BBC"s reporter, Dan Prick, on the spot. Dan... 262 00:16:48,094 --> 00:16:49,652 A lunatic terrorist, 263 00:16:49,814 --> 00:16:53,204 a raving red, who crops up now we"ve stopped running the world, 264 00:16:53,374 --> 00:16:58,573 is now taking refuge in a slum dwelling, a place for squatters. 265 00:16:58,734 --> 00:17:02,249 A police and army siege is now under way. 266 00:17:02,414 --> 00:17:04,086 Oh, Christ! 267 00:17:04,254 --> 00:17:06,051 Boring! 268 00:17:06,214 --> 00:17:09,843 Now we get a shot of a street for the next four hours! 269 00:17:10,014 --> 00:17:13,848 Nothing ever happens in these things. If it does, we don't get to see it. 270 00:17:14,014 --> 00:17:18,530 Looks like something"s happening. The police and army are moving in. 271 00:17:19,894 --> 00:17:21,213 Right on! 272 00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:23,649 Rule Britannia! 273 00:17:23,814 --> 00:17:27,966 A tiny figure jumps over a gate. Rule Britannia! 274 00:17:28,134 --> 00:17:32,730 (MACHINE GUN FIRE) They're dubbing that sound on! 275 00:17:34,614 --> 00:17:37,890 - Isn't that your car, Vyv? - No. 276 00:17:38,054 --> 00:17:41,126 Mine's a yellow Ford Anglia with flames up the side. 277 00:17:41,294 --> 00:17:43,854 That's a yellow Ford Anglia with flames. 278 00:17:44,014 --> 00:17:46,847 But it's not mine, is it? 279 00:17:49,294 --> 00:17:52,491 God! That was a loud one. 280 00:17:53,934 --> 00:17:56,607 Look, is anybody watching this? 281 00:17:56,774 --> 00:17:58,287 (REPORTER) That"s it. 282 00:17:58,454 --> 00:18:03,847 Sorry about ""Bastard Squad"", but at least we got the mad coon, eh? 283 00:18:17,534 --> 00:18:19,889 Hey, guys! 284 00:18:20,054 --> 00:18:22,614 Why don't we eat? 285 00:18:22,774 --> 00:18:24,924 That'd be interesting, wouldn't it? 286 00:18:25,094 --> 00:18:26,766 Yes! Yes! 287 00:18:26,934 --> 00:18:29,368 Yes, eat, eat. 288 00:18:31,694 --> 00:18:35,448 I wonder how many lentils I've eaten in my life. 289 00:18:35,614 --> 00:18:39,448 - Four! - It must be more than that, Vyv. 290 00:18:39,614 --> 00:18:41,764 Lentils are really good. 291 00:18:41,934 --> 00:18:46,132 No matter how often you have them, they never get boring. 292 00:18:48,814 --> 00:18:52,124 Neil, that's our tea! You've just blown it up. 293 00:18:52,934 --> 00:18:55,448 Well, I didn't do it on purpose. 294 00:18:55,614 --> 00:18:58,287 We paid for that, 15p, pay up! 295 00:18:58,454 --> 00:19:01,014 But I haven't collected this week's money. 296 00:19:01,174 --> 00:19:04,849 - That's hardly the point. - But it was an accident. 297 00:19:05,014 --> 00:19:08,211 I just looked at it, and it blew up, Rick. 298 00:19:09,094 --> 00:19:13,212 There's still some on the wall. Maybe we can save some. 299 00:19:14,374 --> 00:19:18,333 I'll get some together for supper, then. 300 00:19:21,694 --> 00:19:24,606 Let's do something. We're bored stupid. 301 00:19:24,774 --> 00:19:27,368 Ha-ha! Rick didn't have far to go! 302 00:19:27,534 --> 00:19:30,253 I knew you'd say that. 303 00:19:30,414 --> 00:19:34,532 - That's a complete lie, you poof! - I knew you'd say that, too! 304 00:19:36,494 --> 00:19:39,452 You didn't know I'd do that, did you? 305 00:19:39,614 --> 00:19:42,447 All right, Vyvyan, I didn't know that. 306 00:19:42,614 --> 00:19:45,287 We're bored stupid with nothing to eat. 307 00:19:45,454 --> 00:19:49,129 The time has come for us to go down to the pub. 308 00:19:49,294 --> 00:19:53,572 Darling carrot, could you ever love a cripple? 309 00:19:53,734 --> 00:19:56,328 No, I don't think so. 310 00:19:58,694 --> 00:20:01,447 (''HOUSE OF FUN'' BY MADNESS) 311 00:20:13,654 --> 00:20:17,010 # Good morning, Miss Can I help you, son? 312 00:20:17,174 --> 00:20:20,211 # Sixteen today and up for fun 313 00:20:20,814 --> 00:20:25,012 # I'm a big boy now or so they say So if you'll serve I'll be on my way 314 00:20:28,734 --> 00:20:31,931 # Box of balloons With a featherlite touch 315 00:20:32,094 --> 00:20:35,689 # Pack of party poppers That pop in the night 316 00:20:35,854 --> 00:20:37,924 # A toothbrush and hairspray, Plastic grin 317 00:20:38,094 --> 00:20:39,971 # Miss Clay on all corners Has just walked in 318 00:20:40,134 --> 00:20:43,649 # Welcome to the House of Fun Now I've come of age 319 00:20:43,814 --> 00:20:46,408 # Welcome to the House of Fun 320 00:20:47,574 --> 00:20:51,089 # Welcome to the lion's den Temptation's on its way... # 321 00:20:53,774 --> 00:20:56,208 I tell you somewhere else I've never been. 322 00:20:56,374 --> 00:20:58,729 - Where? - Down. 323 00:21:00,094 --> 00:21:03,882 # N-n-n-no, no, Miss You misunderstood 324 00:21:04,054 --> 00:21:07,205 # Sixteen, big boy Full pint in my manhood 325 00:21:07,814 --> 00:21:11,853 # I'm up to date and the date's today So if you'll serve I'll be on my way 326 00:21:12,014 --> 00:21:15,450 # Welcome to the House of Fun Now I've come of age 327 00:21:15,614 --> 00:21:19,209 # Welcome to the lion's den Temptation's on its way... # 328 00:21:22,054 --> 00:21:24,090 Which one are we going to? 329 00:21:24,254 --> 00:21:28,088 - Down the Kebab. - Doner kebab? I've already eaten. 330 00:21:28,254 --> 00:21:29,573 Shut up! 331 00:21:32,254 --> 00:21:35,769 # I'm sorry, son But we don't stock 332 00:21:35,934 --> 00:21:39,085 # Party gimmicks in this shop 333 00:21:40,094 --> 00:21:43,643 # Try the House of Fun It's quicker if you run 334 00:21:43,814 --> 00:21:46,533 # This is a chemist Not a joke shop 335 00:21:46,694 --> 00:21:49,970 # Party hats Simple enough, clear 336 00:21:50,134 --> 00:21:53,604 # Comprehende, savvy, understand Do you hear? 337 00:21:53,774 --> 00:21:57,813 # A pack of party hats With the coloured tips 338 00:21:57,974 --> 00:22:00,966 # Too late Gorgon's heard gossip 339 00:22:01,134 --> 00:22:03,045 # Well, hello, Joe Hello, Miss Clay 340 00:22:03,214 --> 00:22:04,806 # Many happy returns from the day 341 00:22:04,974 --> 00:22:08,762 # Welcome to the House of Fun Now I've come of age 342 00:22:08,934 --> 00:22:12,244 # Welcome to the House of Fun 343 00:22:12,414 --> 00:22:16,293 # Welcome to the lion's den Temptation's on its way 344 00:22:16,454 --> 00:22:20,129 # Welcome to the House of Fun 345 00:22:20,294 --> 00:22:23,684 # Welcome to the House of Fun Now I've come of age 346 00:22:23,854 --> 00:22:26,448 # Welcome to the House of... # 347 00:22:29,454 --> 00:22:31,445 (SINGER) Thank you. 348 00:22:33,374 --> 00:22:36,366 - Is there a band on tonight? - No, no! 349 00:22:36,534 --> 00:22:40,163 (NEIL) Why not? (BAND ) Electricity. On strike. 350 00:22:40,334 --> 00:22:41,653 Heavy. 351 00:22:41,814 --> 00:22:45,090 Do you know ''Summer Holiday'' by Cliff Richard? 352 00:22:45,254 --> 00:22:48,087 You hum it, I'll smash your face in. 353 00:22:48,254 --> 00:22:50,529 I'll go and sit over there. 354 00:22:50,694 --> 00:22:53,686 It's madness, isn't it? It's an embarrassment. 355 00:23:01,374 --> 00:23:04,366 Just as I expected, totally boring! 356 00:23:04,534 --> 00:23:07,048 The service is terrible, too. 357 00:23:07,214 --> 00:23:08,886 Waiter! 358 00:23:10,134 --> 00:23:12,090 Waiter! 359 00:23:13,494 --> 00:23:15,485 You, woman! 360 00:23:17,454 --> 00:23:22,528 Look, I stole some money from Rick's bedroom, so I'll get these. 361 00:23:23,974 --> 00:23:27,444 - What would you like, Rick? - Coffee, please, Vyvyan. 362 00:23:27,614 --> 00:23:29,730 This is a pub, they don't do coffee. 363 00:23:29,894 --> 00:23:33,330 In that case, I don't want anything. It's not clever to drink. 364 00:23:33,494 --> 00:23:35,325 - I want to stay in control. - Mike? 365 00:23:35,494 --> 00:23:38,372 - Water, Vyvyan. In a straight glass. - Uh-uh. 366 00:23:38,534 --> 00:23:42,846 - Neil? - Just a bag of crisps, please, Vyv. 367 00:23:43,014 --> 00:23:48,327 Not meat-flavoured, as I don't abuse my body and the world I live in. 368 00:23:49,334 --> 00:23:53,122 OK, I want a pint of water in a straight glass, 369 00:23:53,294 --> 00:23:55,728 a bag of roast ox crisps, 370 00:23:55,894 --> 00:23:58,454 and mine's a Babycham. 371 00:24:03,614 --> 00:24:07,687 - Hello, Vyvyan! - Oh...hello, Mum. 372 00:24:08,974 --> 00:24:13,286 Fancy seeing you here. I didn't know you lived in London. 373 00:24:13,454 --> 00:24:15,251 Yeah, yeah... 374 00:24:17,414 --> 00:24:18,972 How's Dad? 375 00:24:19,134 --> 00:24:22,331 Honestly, I do wish you wouldn't ask me that. 376 00:24:22,494 --> 00:24:25,930 You know I've absolutely no idea who he is. 377 00:24:26,094 --> 00:24:30,485 Well, Vyvyan, you never said your mother was a bartender. 378 00:24:31,454 --> 00:24:35,413 Well, she was a shoplifter when I knew her! 379 00:24:35,574 --> 00:24:38,566 She doesn't look strong enough. 380 00:24:39,694 --> 00:24:41,207 To lift shops. 381 00:24:41,374 --> 00:24:46,164 - That'll be £28.50, Vyvyan. - I've only got a fiver! 382 00:24:47,214 --> 00:24:50,012 I'll have the ring and the watch. 383 00:24:56,174 --> 00:24:59,484 Ain't you gonna introduce me to your friends? 384 00:24:59,654 --> 00:25:01,963 This is a friend called Mike. 385 00:25:02,134 --> 00:25:04,568 This is a friend called Neil. 386 00:25:04,734 --> 00:25:08,170 That's a complete bastard I know called Rick. 387 00:25:08,334 --> 00:25:13,089 He's just joshing, Mrs Vyvyan, we're actually terrific friends. 388 00:25:13,254 --> 00:25:15,848 Oh, he is a bastard, isn't he? 389 00:25:16,814 --> 00:25:21,126 Tell me, Mrs Vyvyan, why did you give him a girl's name? 390 00:25:24,334 --> 00:25:27,690 Come and tell me what you've been doing the last ten years. 391 00:25:27,854 --> 00:25:32,211 - OK, Mum. - Not you, zit face! 392 00:25:32,374 --> 00:25:35,252 - Him! - Hey, Vyv! Vyv! 393 00:25:37,454 --> 00:25:39,445 I should've stayed at home. 394 00:25:45,494 --> 00:25:50,852 # If you go down in the woods today You"re sure of a big surprise 395 00:25:51,014 --> 00:25:56,168 # If you go down in the woods today You better go in disguise 396 00:25:56,334 --> 00:26:01,454 # For every bear that ever there was Will gather there for certain because 397 00:26:01,614 --> 00:26:07,132 # Today"s the day The teddy bears have their picnic # 398 00:26:16,414 --> 00:26:19,247 Uurgh! Bloody hippie food! 399 00:26:19,854 --> 00:26:24,325 Coming, Mike, or still talking to the old bag about your herpes? 400 00:26:24,494 --> 00:26:26,644 Excuse me, Mrs Vyvyan. 401 00:26:29,214 --> 00:26:34,004 - ..because you're conservative. - I think pubs are bourgeois. 402 00:26:35,334 --> 00:26:38,007 - Right-o, Mike. - All right, let's go. 403 00:26:41,894 --> 00:26:45,569 'Course, you see, I look at life like this... 404 00:26:49,454 --> 00:26:52,207 - Why's that? Problems? - Yeah. 405 00:26:52,814 --> 00:26:56,011 Had a heavy bust-up this morning with my lady. 406 00:26:56,174 --> 00:26:58,847 WPC...? 407 00:26:59,014 --> 00:27:01,653 Dunno, never could remember her name. 408 00:27:01,814 --> 00:27:05,568 It's got a four in it, 'cause I remember surrounding one. 409 00:27:05,734 --> 00:27:08,487 - Has it got a tail? - Yeah. 410 00:27:08,654 --> 00:27:10,645 It's a ''Q'', yeah. 411 00:27:11,294 --> 00:27:13,364 Pretty sure. 412 00:27:14,294 --> 00:27:17,092 I've been going out 'kin years. 413 00:27:18,334 --> 00:27:21,167 - How long? - 'Kin years. 414 00:27:21,334 --> 00:27:24,326 Reckon if I played me cards right, I could've... 415 00:27:27,094 --> 00:27:29,210 - Kneed her in the groin? - No, the other one. 416 00:27:29,374 --> 00:27:31,251 - Slept with her? - Yeah. 417 00:27:31,414 --> 00:27:34,326 I could've slept with her, if it wasn't for something I said. 418 00:27:34,494 --> 00:27:39,932 Well, we had a row, and I said something about the Pope. 419 00:27:40,094 --> 00:27:42,324 That's a bit stupid, she's Catholic. 420 00:27:42,494 --> 00:27:46,487 I know she's Catholic. I didn't know the Pope was. 421 00:27:47,734 --> 00:27:50,532 It's a laugh, eh, innit? 422 00:27:50,694 --> 00:27:52,013 What? 423 00:27:53,134 --> 00:27:56,888 That noise you make in the back of your throat. 424 00:27:57,054 --> 00:27:59,170 Yeah, that's a laugh. 425 00:28:10,574 --> 00:28:14,965 Know what? There are now more tin cans than people. 426 00:28:15,494 --> 00:28:17,724 Neil, wanna see my new trick? 427 00:28:17,894 --> 00:28:19,452 (NEIL CHANTS) 428 00:28:20,054 --> 00:28:25,048 - Mike, wanna see my new trick? - No, I'm busy with the paper. 429 00:28:25,214 --> 00:28:26,693 - Rick? - No! 430 00:28:26,854 --> 00:28:30,005 I've got something more important to think about actually. 431 00:28:30,174 --> 00:28:34,372 Look, watch my trick, you bastards, or I'll kill you! 432 00:28:36,094 --> 00:28:38,130 Brilliant, eh? 433 00:28:40,614 --> 00:28:44,402 Oh, dear...wrong finger! 434 00:28:51,574 --> 00:28:53,644 Hey, Vyvyan! 435 00:28:53,814 --> 00:28:57,853 Vyvyan! I think you cut off one of your fingers! 436 00:28:58,014 --> 00:29:01,768 Hey, listen to this: ''Under the new ruling, 437 00:29:01,934 --> 00:29:05,483 ''all a student needs to qualify for an increased grant 438 00:29:05,654 --> 00:29:11,604 ''is a...nmkl pkjl ftumch... from the local authority.'' 439 00:29:13,814 --> 00:29:18,683 - What was that? - A nmkl pkjl ftumch. 440 00:29:18,854 --> 00:29:21,322 Don't you ever read The Guardian, Neil? 441 00:29:21,494 --> 00:29:23,564 What's a ftumch? 442 00:29:28,214 --> 00:29:29,932 I've got three minutes. 443 00:29:30,094 --> 00:29:33,643 Nah, it doesn't seem to make any sense. 444 00:29:35,174 --> 00:29:37,642 Neil, have you just farted? 445 00:29:41,294 --> 00:29:42,807 I don't think so. 446 00:29:42,974 --> 00:29:48,048 There's a horrible farty smell, and it's definitely not from my bottom! 447 00:29:50,334 --> 00:29:55,488 - Knickers! - It's worse than cattle's business! 448 00:30:00,374 --> 00:30:03,571 (RICK) That's better. - Knackers! 449 00:30:05,254 --> 00:30:08,929 Was it you that farted, Mike? 450 00:30:09,094 --> 00:30:13,849 Who can tell, Neil? I'm a strange guy. 451 00:30:14,014 --> 00:30:17,563 I'll deal with that spotty herbert later. 452 00:30:17,734 --> 00:30:19,725 Look, a little girl. 453 00:30:20,534 --> 00:30:22,525 Meditate on this! 454 00:30:22,694 --> 00:30:25,492 (CRACKLING ELECTRIC CURRENT) 455 00:30:30,374 --> 00:30:31,693 Hey! 456 00:30:31,854 --> 00:30:34,084 I just had a great idea! 457 00:30:35,254 --> 00:30:38,451 Why don't we go and see a film? Yes! 458 00:30:38,614 --> 00:30:42,402 Let's go and see a film. Where's the local paper, Mike? 459 00:30:42,574 --> 00:30:45,247 In the local paper shop, where d'you think? 460 00:30:45,414 --> 00:30:46,733 Right! 461 00:30:49,134 --> 00:30:51,284 - Hey, Rick? - Yes? 462 00:30:51,454 --> 00:30:55,606 I'm just going down the local paper shop, OK? 463 00:31:05,414 --> 00:31:09,407 That's funny, I don't remember ramming a skewer into my head! 464 00:31:12,814 --> 00:31:14,611 I don't believe it! 465 00:31:28,014 --> 00:31:30,244 Ho-ho-ho! Ha-ha-ha! 466 00:31:30,414 --> 00:31:35,408 Well, Mr Sambo Darkie Coon, I've got your number, you're nicked! 467 00:31:35,574 --> 00:31:41,888 - Is anything the matter, officer? - Don't we talk lovely, Mr Rastas Chocolate Drop? 468 00:31:42,054 --> 00:31:44,966 I've done a weekend's training with the SAS. 469 00:31:45,134 --> 00:31:48,410 I could pull your arms off without a trace of violence! 470 00:31:48,574 --> 00:31:53,045 - Lord Scarman need never know. - What seems to be the trouble? 471 00:31:53,214 --> 00:31:56,889 That's white man's electricity you're burning! That's theft! 472 00:31:57,054 --> 00:31:58,885 I've got your number! 473 00:31:59,054 --> 00:32:03,047 Officer, I represent Kellogg's Cornflakes Car Competition. 474 00:32:04,094 --> 00:32:06,608 Oh! Sorry, John. 475 00:32:06,774 --> 00:32:09,811 I thought you was a nigger. Sorry, sir. 476 00:32:09,974 --> 00:32:11,487 Carry on! 477 00:32:13,174 --> 00:32:15,483 Hey, guess what, kid? 478 00:32:15,654 --> 00:32:17,804 You've won a new Ford Tippex. 479 00:32:17,974 --> 00:32:22,809 (SATAN) Ftumch, your time is upI - I think you got the wrong house. 480 00:32:25,654 --> 00:32:28,646 What a piece of luck! 481 00:32:32,254 --> 00:32:33,573 God! 482 00:32:33,734 --> 00:32:36,123 What a boring day! 483 00:32:38,534 --> 00:32:42,573 I went to the shop, but they didn't have a local paper. 484 00:32:42,734 --> 00:32:46,886 They obviously don't come from this area, Neil. 485 00:32:47,054 --> 00:32:50,285 Hey, guys, tomorrow... 486 00:32:50,454 --> 00:32:53,764 ..why don't we, as just a suggestion, 487 00:32:53,934 --> 00:32:57,051 why don't we try going into college? 488 00:32:59,534 --> 00:33:01,923 Now, Neil, listen... 489 00:33:02,094 --> 00:33:05,643 ..things may be bad, but there's no need to panic! 490 00:33:06,374 --> 00:33:09,969 No, I'll treat this problem like my mattress... 491 00:33:10,134 --> 00:33:12,568 ..and sleep on it. 492 00:33:12,734 --> 00:33:14,053 Goodnight. 493 00:33:20,094 --> 00:33:21,891 (OWL HOOTS) 494 00:33:24,574 --> 00:33:27,930 (MUSIC: ''THE TEDDY BEARS' PICNIC'') 495 00:33:31,574 --> 00:33:34,532 (FATHER BEAR) Who's been gobbing in my lentils? 496 00:33:34,694 --> 00:33:38,050 (MOTHER AND BABY BEAR) Who's been gobbing in our lentils? 497 00:33:38,214 --> 00:33:40,887 (FATHER BEAR) Sod it! Let's go to MacDonald's. 498 00:33:41,054 --> 00:33:43,045 (MOTHER AND BABY BEAR) Yes! 499 00:33:50,614 --> 00:33:53,845 (BABY BEAR) Hee-hee! Hee-hee! 500 00:34:00,574 --> 00:34:03,566 (ELECTRONIC PULSE) 501 00:34:04,305 --> 00:34:10,592 Best watched using Open Subtitles MKV Player39056