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1
00:00:03,590 --> 00:00:06,390
Oh, my God!
2
00:00:15,600 --> 00:00:18,120
Oh, you kissed her! You idiot!
3
00:00:18,300 --> 00:00:20,110
You...
4
00:00:29,450 --> 00:00:30,910
No, no, no.
5
00:00:30,930 --> 00:00:32,790
I wasn't doing anything.
I wasn't. No, no, no.
6
00:00:32,820 --> 00:00:34,750
I wasn't doing anything,
I wasn't doing anything, I...
7
00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:36,170
Do not moonwalk away from me.
8
00:00:36,570 --> 00:00:38,210
Do not. You are not.
9
00:00:38,240 --> 00:00:40,070
You're doing it. Nick?
10
00:00:40,100 --> 00:00:41,660
- Shamone.
- He did.
11
00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:53,060
Oh.
12
00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:55,060
Ugh, my God.
13
00:00:55,360 --> 00:00:56,460
Oh, I just woke up.
14
00:00:56,490 --> 00:00:58,700
I've been sleeping
for hours and hours.
15
00:00:58,720 --> 00:01:00,540
Nice. Me, too.
16
00:01:00,630 --> 00:01:02,360
Let's see here.
17
00:01:03,380 --> 00:01:06,210
Oh, sweet. Ten e-mails.
18
00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:11,970
Hey, Sam, um...
19
00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:13,550
I have to tell you something.
20
00:01:13,580 --> 00:01:16,680
How do you always look
so beautiful in the morning?
21
00:01:16,730 --> 00:01:18,390
Sometimes I can't
even look at you.
22
00:01:18,420 --> 00:01:20,150
I can't even--
I got to look away.
23
00:01:20,330 --> 00:01:21,660
I can't even look
at you right now.
24
00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:23,930
Wait, but I got to.
Now I got to look away.
25
00:01:24,030 --> 00:01:25,870
I just can't resist.
Oh, geez.
26
00:01:27,510 --> 00:01:29,250
What were you gonna say?
27
00:01:31,110 --> 00:01:32,340
Nothing.
28
00:01:32,380 --> 00:01:33,910
It was nothing.
29
00:01:36,380 --> 00:01:38,440
- Jess?
- Nick kissed me.
30
00:01:39,450 --> 00:01:42,350
Wha...?!
31
00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:44,540
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
32
00:01:44,570 --> 00:01:45,510
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
33
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♪ It's Jess. ♪
34
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Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
35
00:01:51,540 --> 00:01:53,880
Oh, man. Okay.
36
00:01:53,910 --> 00:01:56,550
I had the best sex of
my life last night.
37
00:01:56,570 --> 00:01:58,040
Winston, I'm glad you're here.
We need to talk.
38
00:01:58,060 --> 00:01:59,230
Yeah. Daisy said I was
pretty good.
39
00:01:59,260 --> 00:02:01,160
You hear that?
Pretty good!
40
00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:02,130
This is important.
41
00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:03,730
And I ain't even use my hands.
42
00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:04,830
You didn't use your hands?
43
00:02:04,880 --> 00:02:06,170
Well, just I did a lot
of side stuff.
44
00:02:06,190 --> 00:02:07,410
Okay, Winston,
you're killing me.
45
00:02:07,440 --> 00:02:08,800
I really need to talk to you,
46
00:02:08,820 --> 00:02:10,720
and now after hearing that,
I can barely look at you.
47
00:02:10,740 --> 00:02:12,490
Well, I got my mojo back, baby!
48
00:02:12,540 --> 00:02:14,680
I'm the Mojo Man!
49
00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:17,320
Mojo Man, Mojo Man.
I like the sound of that.
50
00:02:17,340 --> 00:02:19,190
Yeah, we're not gonna be
getting to my thing, are we?
51
00:02:19,220 --> 00:02:20,520
Mo-Mo-Mojo Man.
52
00:02:20,540 --> 00:02:21,670
I got to tell Sam.
53
00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:22,870
I can't tell Sam!
54
00:02:22,890 --> 00:02:24,390
I didn't even do anything wrong!
55
00:02:24,490 --> 00:02:25,590
Nick kissed me!
56
00:02:25,610 --> 00:02:27,490
I didn't even kiss him back!
57
00:02:27,770 --> 00:02:29,600
Okay, fine!
I kissed him back!
58
00:02:29,620 --> 00:02:30,840
Is that what
you want me to say?
59
00:02:30,860 --> 00:02:32,330
I literally haven't said a word
60
00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:33,390
for, like, over an hour.
61
00:02:33,410 --> 00:02:35,140
And now he won't
even talk to me,
62
00:02:35,170 --> 00:02:36,430
'cause I saw him this morning
63
00:02:36,450 --> 00:02:38,500
and he just panic
moonwalked away from me.
64
00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:39,870
- He what?
- He does that sometimes.
65
00:02:40,930 --> 00:02:43,150
Man. Terrorism.
66
00:02:46,170 --> 00:02:47,910
And then... ha!
67
00:02:47,950 --> 00:02:49,730
Nick just... He just...
68
00:02:49,780 --> 00:02:50,780
Kisses you.
69
00:02:50,850 --> 00:02:52,250
Stupid Nick Miller.
70
00:02:52,270 --> 00:02:53,180
How was it? Was it...?
71
00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:54,700
I was like Scarlett O'Hara
72
00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:56,520
in my freaking curtain dress...
73
00:02:56,550 --> 00:02:57,560
How did he do it?
74
00:02:57,590 --> 00:02:59,420
- He just, like, grabbed me.
- Uh-huh.
75
00:02:59,450 --> 00:03:01,280
- And he just took me.
- Oh, yeah.
76
00:03:01,310 --> 00:03:03,220
I mean, he was a man
and I was a woman.
77
00:03:03,260 --> 00:03:05,750
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- It was firm, but tender.
78
00:03:05,790 --> 00:03:07,170
- Oh, damn.
- Yeah, I mean,
79
00:03:07,180 --> 00:03:09,050
I saw thorough space and time
for a minute,
80
00:03:09,070 --> 00:03:10,400
but that's not the point.
81
00:03:10,430 --> 00:03:11,720
Oh, man!
82
00:03:11,740 --> 00:03:12,760
Are you okay?
83
00:03:12,790 --> 00:03:14,480
I miss sex!
84
00:03:14,500 --> 00:03:17,610
I've been on dates set up by
my mother for the past month.
85
00:03:17,630 --> 00:03:19,350
- Mm.
- I mean, what are you gonna do?
86
00:03:19,370 --> 00:03:21,110
I mean, do you...
87
00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:22,220
like Nick?
88
00:03:22,260 --> 00:03:24,130
Ah! Bah!
89
00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:25,090
Mm-hmm.
90
00:03:25,110 --> 00:03:26,810
Nah! Neh?
91
00:03:27,180 --> 00:03:28,250
Nick?
92
00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:30,740
No.
93
00:03:32,190 --> 00:03:33,740
I don't like Nick.
94
00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:34,870
- Mm-hmm.
- I like Sam, 'cause
95
00:03:34,900 --> 00:03:36,780
Sam's the kind of guy
who fixes things
96
00:03:36,790 --> 00:03:38,370
that you didn't even know
were broken.
97
00:03:38,390 --> 00:03:40,090
And Nick is the type of guy
98
00:03:40,130 --> 00:03:43,600
who breaks things... that are...
99
00:03:43,730 --> 00:03:45,100
He breaks things!
100
00:03:45,170 --> 00:03:46,470
Look at that.
It's for my grandma.
101
00:03:46,480 --> 00:03:48,620
Wow, that's... oh, no.
102
00:03:48,650 --> 00:03:50,180
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- What are you-- Nick!
103
00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:52,890
- No, let me just... Okay, here, it's fine.
- Nick, Nick, what are you...? No!
104
00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:54,550
Nick, what are you...?
105
00:03:54,950 --> 00:03:57,530
I think those
belong back on it.
106
00:03:57,720 --> 00:04:00,200
He is not getting in the way
of me and Sam.
107
00:04:00,250 --> 00:04:02,080
He is not ruining this.
108
00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:03,250
- Mm.
- So mad at him.
109
00:04:03,270 --> 00:04:04,570
I can't even be around him.
110
00:04:04,690 --> 00:04:06,080
Can I just spend
the day with you?
111
00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:07,480
Oh.
112
00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:09,550
Well, um...
113
00:04:09,670 --> 00:04:13,080
Okay, I didn't tell you this
before, actually, but, uh...
114
00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:14,960
Cece is going to
115
00:04:14,980 --> 00:04:16,600
an Indian marriage
convention today
116
00:04:16,610 --> 00:04:18,410
to find herself
a brown husband.
117
00:04:18,460 --> 00:04:19,560
Now, little does she know
118
00:04:19,590 --> 00:04:22,150
that I have signed up
for the same convention.
119
00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:23,830
Gentlemen, there is
nothing that says
120
00:04:23,860 --> 00:04:25,580
white men need not apply.
121
00:04:25,590 --> 00:04:27,370
You look like
the fortune teller in Big.
122
00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:28,890
Wait a second,
is it in the loft?
123
00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:30,200
Yes, Nick.
124
00:04:30,230 --> 00:04:33,310
The West Coast's premiere
Indian singles event,
125
00:04:33,340 --> 00:04:35,830
where 300 eligible
Rajput Indians get together
126
00:04:35,860 --> 00:04:37,920
to see if they should get
arranged-married to each other,
127
00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:39,030
is in our loft.
128
00:04:39,070 --> 00:04:40,590
So if it's not,
then I'm coming with.
129
00:04:40,610 --> 00:04:42,550
I'm in, Schmidty.
You finally got company.
130
00:04:42,580 --> 00:04:44,850
- I'm coming. Let's do it.
- The Mojo Man is in, too.
131
00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:46,410
Mojo Man, Mojo Man.
132
00:04:46,430 --> 00:04:47,970
Okay, neither of you are coming.
133
00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:49,560
I've been studying up
for a full week.
134
00:04:49,590 --> 00:04:51,220
I can actually speak
conversational Hindi.
135
00:04:51,270 --> 00:04:53,500
If that conversation is:
"Hello." "Hello."
136
00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:55,160
"Samosa?"
"Yes, please, Samosa."
137
00:04:55,190 --> 00:04:56,530
"More towels?"
"Do you know where
138
00:04:56,550 --> 00:04:57,950
the white person's
toilet is?"
139
00:04:57,970 --> 00:04:59,470
After that,
it gets very confusing.
140
00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:00,900
Can you drive in that dress?
141
00:05:01,170 --> 00:05:02,050
You're right, I can't.
142
00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:04,150
- All right, you're driving. Let's go.
- Yeah!
143
00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:11,410
Hi, I'm-I'm checking in.
144
00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:12,980
My name's Cecilia Parikh.
145
00:05:13,010 --> 00:05:13,840
This is my best friend.
146
00:05:13,860 --> 00:05:15,570
She's just, she's just
here to watch.
147
00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:16,750
All must participate.
148
00:05:16,780 --> 00:05:19,180
We've had a lot of
trouble with watchers.
149
00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:24,000
You participate or you go home.
150
00:05:25,590 --> 00:05:27,990
All right, you know what?
What the hell.
151
00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:29,860
You're going to have to
fill out a questionnaire.
152
00:05:29,880 --> 00:05:31,690
Information, education, resume.
153
00:05:32,860 --> 00:05:33,800
Done.
154
00:05:34,130 --> 00:05:35,730
Thank you.
155
00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:40,560
What the hell are
you guys doing here?
156
00:05:40,580 --> 00:05:42,730
You look like a character
from The Love Guru.
157
00:05:42,750 --> 00:05:44,180
Aw, thank you.
158
00:05:44,810 --> 00:05:45,610
Hello.
159
00:05:45,620 --> 00:05:47,520
I'd like to check in
with my two friends here.
160
00:05:47,550 --> 00:05:49,620
Look, we are not Indian,
but you cannot turn us away,
161
00:05:49,650 --> 00:05:52,610
because I read the Website
vigorously, kumari.
162
00:05:52,660 --> 00:05:53,840
- Oh, God.
- That means "miss."
163
00:05:53,870 --> 00:05:54,740
My friend right there?
164
00:05:54,770 --> 00:05:56,700
Yeah, he's a vakeel.
That means "lawyer."
165
00:05:56,730 --> 00:05:58,020
I dropped out
of ka-heel school.
166
00:05:58,070 --> 00:05:59,440
It's vakeel, man.
167
00:06:01,040 --> 00:06:03,750
- What are you doing here?
- Oh, no. I just-- uh, yeah...
168
00:06:04,500 --> 00:06:05,530
Oh!
169
00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:08,040
Nick, you're embarrassing me.
170
00:06:09,710 --> 00:06:11,480
Nick, what are you doing?
171
00:06:13,750 --> 00:06:15,130
Nick, Nick.
172
00:06:15,470 --> 00:06:17,200
N-N-N-Nick, what
are you doing?
173
00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:19,030
Stop moonwalking, man.
174
00:06:19,150 --> 00:06:21,250
Man, you have been
weird all morning.
175
00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:23,150
Hey, look, I kissed Jess.
176
00:06:25,890 --> 00:06:27,250
Say what you're gonna say.
177
00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:29,780
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
178
00:06:30,420 --> 00:06:31,750
Whoo!
179
00:06:32,270 --> 00:06:33,630
I thought that's
what you were gonna say.
180
00:06:33,660 --> 00:06:34,780
I don't want a new roommate.
181
00:06:34,820 --> 00:06:36,690
Look, don't...
She's not moving out.
182
00:06:36,710 --> 00:06:38,260
I'm not talking about her.
Hell no, not her!
183
00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:39,520
I'm talking about you.
184
00:06:39,540 --> 00:06:40,780
When this thing blows
up in your face--
185
00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:42,400
and it will blow up
in your face, Nick--
186
00:06:42,410 --> 00:06:43,510
you're the one moving out.
187
00:06:43,550 --> 00:06:45,260
You think I like
living with you?
188
00:06:45,270 --> 00:06:47,850
You have centipedes
living under your bed!
189
00:06:47,870 --> 00:06:49,900
- Those weren't centipedes.
- You've named your testicles,
190
00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:51,820
- and they're both named Sharon.
- Yeah, so what?
191
00:06:51,850 --> 00:06:53,880
I can't believe you kissed Jess!
Man, what were you thinking?
192
00:06:53,900 --> 00:06:55,690
Look, man, I wasn't
thinking anything.
193
00:06:57,100 --> 00:06:59,220
Nick, just apologize and
make it right, all right?
194
00:07:01,230 --> 00:07:04,040
All right.
That's what I'm gonna do.
195
00:07:06,590 --> 00:07:07,660
Oh, Sharon!
196
00:07:07,690 --> 00:07:08,730
- Get! Just...
- Get...?
197
00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:09,800
Get over here now.
198
00:07:09,820 --> 00:07:11,220
Wait. What?
199
00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:13,460
You told me you had moved on.
200
00:07:13,490 --> 00:07:16,190
Only people who haven't moved
on say things like that.
201
00:07:16,620 --> 00:07:18,680
I'm a squirrel.
You're my nut.
202
00:07:18,700 --> 00:07:20,480
Winter's coming. I'm gonna
store you in my cheek, girl.
203
00:07:20,500 --> 00:07:22,120
Please leave.
204
00:07:22,140 --> 00:07:25,580
You and I not being together
does not make sense to me.
205
00:07:26,230 --> 00:07:27,630
I miss your body
206
00:07:27,650 --> 00:07:29,140
and the things I
used to do to it.
207
00:07:29,150 --> 00:07:30,560
- Schmidt.
- I'm talking about sex.
208
00:07:30,580 --> 00:07:34,950
Today is about me finding
someone within my own culture
209
00:07:34,990 --> 00:07:36,890
that I can build my life with.
210
00:07:36,910 --> 00:07:38,710
It's about more than sex.
211
00:07:38,730 --> 00:07:42,060
Our sex was about
more than sex.
212
00:07:42,410 --> 00:07:44,680
It was about history and memory
213
00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:46,900
and thousands of years
of colonial suffering
214
00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:49,770
all being released in one
moment of pure ecstasy.
215
00:07:49,790 --> 00:07:52,550
Then why did the sex
always end with you yelling,
216
00:07:52,570 --> 00:07:54,570
"Blammo, that happened"?
217
00:07:55,590 --> 00:07:56,660
Blammo.
218
00:07:57,670 --> 00:07:59,410
Thank you.
219
00:08:01,450 --> 00:08:02,180
Hey.
220
00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:04,030
Oh, you can walk
normally now, I see.
221
00:08:04,050 --> 00:08:05,420
I'm sorry I kissed you.
222
00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:07,520
Well, oh, wow.
223
00:08:07,540 --> 00:08:08,770
That was unexpected.
224
00:08:09,370 --> 00:08:10,270
Thanks, Nick.
225
00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:12,120
- You know what, it was a mistake.
- I feel better.
226
00:08:12,150 --> 00:08:13,770
- 'Cause, yeah, I was feeling awkward.
- Yeah, good.
227
00:08:13,780 --> 00:08:14,810
Right.
228
00:08:14,830 --> 00:08:16,660
You were acting a little bit weird,
but honestly, for me,
229
00:08:16,680 --> 00:08:18,190
it was, like, a nothing kiss.
230
00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:20,050
You know, it was like
kissing a cousin.
231
00:08:20,070 --> 00:08:22,340
It was so nonsexual
and nothing.
232
00:08:22,490 --> 00:08:25,220
Well... I think it
meant something.
233
00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:27,220
You know, to you,
'cause you kissed me.
234
00:08:27,610 --> 00:08:29,000
Mm-mm.
235
00:08:29,500 --> 00:08:31,620
I think you can admit it
meant something to you, Nick.
236
00:08:31,630 --> 00:08:33,730
Oh, no, I-I'm telling you,
it meant nothing to me.
237
00:08:33,750 --> 00:08:35,140
- I think it did.
- No, no.
238
00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:36,980
I do things
I don't mean all the time.
239
00:08:37,020 --> 00:08:38,320
Like this. You see this?
Bottle of water.
240
00:08:38,900 --> 00:08:41,250
Why did I do that? I don't know.
It doesn't mean anything.
241
00:08:41,270 --> 00:08:43,630
I think you can admit that
it meant something to you.
242
00:08:43,650 --> 00:08:45,950
- Hey, Jessica, it didn't.
- Hmm.
243
00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:48,540
It was a drinking game,
and I was finishing the game.
244
00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:50,450
Yeah, but it happened
after the game
245
00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:51,880
when it meant something.
246
00:08:51,940 --> 00:08:54,360
- Oh, so it meant something to you?
- What?
247
00:08:54,390 --> 00:08:56,190
- It meant something to you.
- No, don't...
248
00:08:56,210 --> 00:08:58,310
If you think some
stupid, terrible kiss...
249
00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:00,160
- You're thinking about
it right now! - No!
250
00:09:00,190 --> 00:09:02,440
- I'm calling Sam and...
- Oh, you're calling Sam right now?
251
00:09:02,470 --> 00:09:04,190
He's gonna come here
and pick me up,
252
00:09:04,230 --> 00:09:05,870
- and, uh, we're leaving.
- Oh, you are?
253
00:09:05,900 --> 00:09:08,740
Why are you running away?
Because it meant something?
254
00:09:09,300 --> 00:09:11,030
We're not going anywhere.
255
00:09:12,300 --> 00:09:13,720
Meant nothing, Nick!
256
00:09:13,850 --> 00:09:15,890
Please look
at the numbers on your name tags
257
00:09:15,930 --> 00:09:18,400
and go to the table
with the corresponding numbers.
258
00:09:18,430 --> 00:09:19,700
These are your groupings.
259
00:09:19,730 --> 00:09:22,500
People with similar resumes
and education backgrounds
260
00:09:22,530 --> 00:09:23,690
have been grouped together.
261
00:09:23,710 --> 00:09:26,150
34, 34, thir...
262
00:09:26,300 --> 00:09:27,750
Table 34!
263
00:09:28,110 --> 00:09:29,560
We're at the same table!
264
00:09:29,590 --> 00:09:32,060
- So this is rock bottom.
- I mean, call me crazy,
265
00:09:32,070 --> 00:09:34,010
but I think we're all
getting married tonight.
266
00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:36,110
- Yeah, um... - The money table
right here, Table 34!
267
00:09:36,130 --> 00:09:37,920
Hi, excuse me, I think
that there's been
268
00:09:37,940 --> 00:09:40,030
just a little bit of a
mistake with the tables.
269
00:09:40,060 --> 00:09:41,720
Over 30, no advanced degrees,
270
00:09:41,750 --> 00:09:43,970
part-time employment:
Table 34.
271
00:09:44,050 --> 00:09:46,550
No, see, actually, I'm-I'm
a professional model.
272
00:09:46,580 --> 00:09:47,690
I'm not famous or anything,
273
00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:49,970
but I was in Lil
Wayne's last video.
274
00:09:50,030 --> 00:09:53,100
I was the girl he was throwing
strawberries at in slow motion.
275
00:09:55,590 --> 00:09:57,390
Definitely Table 34.
276
00:10:00,580 --> 00:10:01,610
Excuse me?
277
00:10:01,630 --> 00:10:03,710
Uh, I didn't get
assigned a table.
278
00:10:03,740 --> 00:10:06,050
Now, I know exactly
what this is about...
279
00:10:06,080 --> 00:10:08,220
But I did assign you a seat.
280
00:10:08,870 --> 00:10:11,470
This one. Lap number one.
281
00:10:12,410 --> 00:10:14,510
Okay, so this is not
a racial thing?
282
00:10:14,540 --> 00:10:15,910
Not yet, it isn't.
283
00:10:16,100 --> 00:10:17,660
Ah.
284
00:10:17,690 --> 00:10:19,230
I see what's happening here.
285
00:10:19,940 --> 00:10:21,050
You're feeling my mojo.
286
00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:24,420
You look like a jumpy cat,
and I like that.
287
00:10:25,370 --> 00:10:27,760
Ooh, I like that.
288
00:10:28,900 --> 00:10:31,170
Like oversized blueberries.
289
00:10:33,260 --> 00:10:35,290
Mojo off. Mojo off.
290
00:10:35,390 --> 00:10:37,730
Schmidt, Table Seven,
Table Seven.
291
00:10:37,770 --> 00:10:40,440
- What're you doing? You're at Table Seven, too?
- Hmm? I'm at Table Seven.
292
00:10:41,850 --> 00:10:43,750
- What?
- Well, you should feel complimented.
293
00:10:43,780 --> 00:10:45,240
I feel slightly insulted.
294
00:10:45,280 --> 00:10:46,380
- What?
- No offense.
295
00:10:46,410 --> 00:10:48,340
A lot of offense taken.
Well, I'm just saying...
296
00:10:48,380 --> 00:10:50,020
- A lot.
- Jess!
297
00:10:50,110 --> 00:10:51,160
- Hi!
- Hi.
298
00:10:51,190 --> 00:10:52,710
- How are you?
- Um, okay.
299
00:10:52,740 --> 00:10:55,220
Yeah, I checked in.
Uh, they gave me my table.
300
00:10:55,260 --> 00:10:56,940
- Okay.
- This is a weird date.
301
00:10:56,970 --> 00:10:58,760
I always thought
we'd go bowling before we went
302
00:10:58,780 --> 00:10:59,960
to an Indian marriage
convention.
303
00:10:59,980 --> 00:11:01,810
- What table are you at?
- Uh, Table One, I think.
304
00:11:01,830 --> 00:11:05,040
Table One?! It's almost like
you save lives or something.
305
00:11:05,050 --> 00:11:06,580
Oh, wait, you do.
306
00:11:07,370 --> 00:11:09,470
Let's start the icebreakers.
307
00:11:09,660 --> 00:11:12,390
This exercise shows
how physically compatible
308
00:11:12,410 --> 00:11:13,740
two people can be.
309
00:11:26,410 --> 00:11:27,980
Ow! My hand!
310
00:11:28,020 --> 00:11:28,990
What?
311
00:11:29,020 --> 00:11:30,250
Stupid man.
312
00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:32,200
Nice.
313
00:11:32,210 --> 00:11:33,450
- Yeah.
- Ready?
314
00:11:33,570 --> 00:11:34,730
Three, two, ow.
315
00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:36,720
- Ow! No, no. Let's...
- Up?
316
00:11:36,740 --> 00:11:38,870
- No, you go down.
- All right. I go down?
317
00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:41,140
Kind of just got
to get in a little closer.
318
00:11:41,170 --> 00:11:42,390
Okay, I'm trying.
319
00:11:42,720 --> 00:11:43,820
Seriously.
320
00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:49,970
Hey, dummy.
321
00:11:49,990 --> 00:11:51,940
Stop pointing your finger at me.
That's so annoying.
322
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:53,660
Why are you drinking my beer?
323
00:11:54,170 --> 00:11:56,630
- You point that finger at me one more
time, I'm... - Why don't you just admit that
324
00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:58,330
that kiss meant something to you?
- No, no!
325
00:11:58,360 --> 00:11:59,960
I could tell it meant
something, so admit it
326
00:11:59,990 --> 00:12:01,220
or I'll do this all day.
I'll do it all day.
327
00:12:01,250 --> 00:12:03,380
Next challenge: Make a table
328
00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:06,350
out of nothing
but newspaper and tape.
329
00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:09,720
Women look to your left,
men to the right.
330
00:12:09,830 --> 00:12:12,120
- These are your partners.
- Oh, you got to be kidding me.
331
00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:14,360
First table that can hold
a phone book wins.
332
00:12:14,380 --> 00:12:16,380
- All right, so we have to make a table.
- Okay.
333
00:12:16,460 --> 00:12:17,850
- Give me the tape.
- No.
334
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,790
I'll tell you what's not
made out of newspaper,
335
00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:25,310
that tight little ass of yours.
336
00:12:25,350 --> 00:12:28,560
- Jess, you liked kissing me!
It's fine to say that. - No, I didn't.
337
00:12:28,590 --> 00:12:31,400
I'm not on my knee asking you
to marry me; It was a nice kiss.
338
00:12:31,410 --> 00:12:33,710
You were like a dog and my mouth
339
00:12:33,740 --> 00:12:36,230
was like a bowl full of
dog... milk!
340
00:12:36,260 --> 00:12:38,170
It was like a damn fairy tale,
that kiss!
341
00:12:38,190 --> 00:12:39,440
It was the best kiss
of your life.
342
00:12:39,470 --> 00:12:41,140
- Are you serious, Nick?
- And you have to take
343
00:12:41,170 --> 00:12:43,160
a little responsibility,
tarting around in that
344
00:12:43,190 --> 00:12:46,330
- little soft pink robe, not expecting
to get kissed. - Tarting around?
345
00:12:46,350 --> 00:12:48,460
I'm a man, Jessica!
346
00:12:48,510 --> 00:12:50,180
- What?
- Pink robes are my catnip.
347
00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:52,120
And we have a winning couple!
348
00:12:52,140 --> 00:12:53,740
We are not a couple!
349
00:12:54,030 --> 00:12:56,220
- We're not a couple.
- And this is a very bad table.
350
00:12:56,240 --> 00:12:57,760
- Terrible table.
- And stop clapping, everybody.
351
00:12:57,790 --> 00:12:59,660
- This is awful.
- Look. It won't hold anything.
352
00:12:59,690 --> 00:13:01,790
Be prepared to laugh!
353
00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:04,210
No, I mean, this is, like...
354
00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:05,470
I got it, I got it.
355
00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:07,260
Here, put it down.
Just-- okay.
356
00:13:07,300 --> 00:13:09,100
Very weak table.
357
00:13:10,330 --> 00:13:11,400
Break!
358
00:13:13,370 --> 00:13:14,710
It's a strong table.
359
00:13:14,740 --> 00:13:17,130
Strong table, strong couple.
360
00:13:17,710 --> 00:13:19,710
Come on. Jump up, yeah.
Jump up! Jump up! Jump up!
361
00:13:19,750 --> 00:13:21,050
- Whoa! Come on.
- Wow.
362
00:13:21,090 --> 00:13:23,170
- Wow, yeah. It's real, man.
- Come on.
363
00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:24,780
That's an impressive table!
364
00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:30,010
Congratulations on winning the
table-building competition, baby.
365
00:13:30,030 --> 00:13:32,400
- Yeah, it didn't mean anything, so...
- I didn't think it meant anything.
366
00:13:32,450 --> 00:13:35,090
- Yeah, no, just--
- Nick just drives me crazy.
367
00:13:35,130 --> 00:13:37,310
- It's like-- you know?
- Yeah, I mean, I never...
368
00:13:37,330 --> 00:13:39,330
- Well, yeah, that's just... That's what I
was saying. - Is there something...
369
00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:40,600
I should know here?
370
00:13:40,740 --> 00:13:42,020
No. 'Cause...
371
00:13:42,050 --> 00:13:43,120
Men, switch seats!
372
00:13:43,350 --> 00:13:45,000
No. Sam, stop.
373
00:13:45,030 --> 00:13:46,430
'Cause...
No, I want to talk to you.
374
00:13:46,460 --> 00:13:48,480
- Sam, I...
- Do you like field hockey?
375
00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:50,990
I... Yeah. Yeah.
376
00:13:52,970 --> 00:13:55,230
- Hi!
- Oh, I'm so sorry, sweetie. Pass.
377
00:13:55,390 --> 00:13:57,060
So, when did you decide
to become a model?
378
00:13:57,110 --> 00:13:59,700
Oh. Didn't really
think about it at all.
379
00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:02,130
Someone just said they'd pay me
for being pretty, so...
380
00:14:02,180 --> 00:14:03,980
- I like your hat.
- Shh.
381
00:14:04,270 --> 00:14:06,240
- It's my favorite color.
- Shh...
382
00:14:08,980 --> 00:14:10,810
- I didn't say anything.
- Shut up, shut up, shut up.
383
00:14:11,300 --> 00:14:12,480
So how many children
do you want?
384
00:14:12,510 --> 00:14:16,290
Well, I have to start soon, so
I guess I'll just jump right in.
385
00:14:16,820 --> 00:14:18,790
So, do you think through
any of your decisions
386
00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:20,350
or do you always just
do whatever you want?
387
00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:22,350
Hey! M. Night Shyamalan.
388
00:14:22,380 --> 00:14:24,350
I got a twist ending
for you: Shut up.
389
00:14:24,370 --> 00:14:26,490
- What do you want, Table Seven?
- Schmidt, just talk to your girl.
390
00:14:26,510 --> 00:14:27,810
- Hi!
- You better watch it, buddy.
391
00:14:27,830 --> 00:14:29,960
'Cause I will, I will
Cal-cut-a-bitch up in here.
392
00:14:29,990 --> 00:14:32,180
- I will Cal-cut-a-bitch.
- Schmidt!
393
00:14:32,220 --> 00:14:34,040
Don't worry, Ben Affleck.
I'm not desperate.
394
00:14:34,070 --> 00:14:35,540
I don't date below Table Six.
395
00:14:35,550 --> 00:14:37,520
Time's up. Switch places.
396
00:14:38,450 --> 00:14:39,420
Sam...
397
00:14:40,770 --> 00:14:42,830
- That was not nice. He crossed a line.
- Schmidt,
398
00:14:42,870 --> 00:14:44,130
you said you would leave me alone.
399
00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:45,960
- You said you would leave...
- He crossed a line.
400
00:14:46,010 --> 00:14:47,330
You said you would
leave me alone.
401
00:14:51,390 --> 00:14:53,360
Funny seeing you here.
402
00:14:55,220 --> 00:14:56,320
Hey.
403
00:14:56,510 --> 00:14:57,740
You have to go.
404
00:14:57,760 --> 00:14:59,260
Yeah, you have to go over there.
405
00:14:59,300 --> 00:15:00,570
Okay. Bye-bye.
406
00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:02,100
Go now. Hi.
407
00:15:02,620 --> 00:15:06,220
Um, Sam, I do have
something to tell you.
408
00:15:07,670 --> 00:15:09,520
You know why we're at Table 34?
409
00:15:09,540 --> 00:15:13,050
'Cause we're both bad at life,
but we have model good looks.
410
00:15:13,270 --> 00:15:15,930
It's 'cause we don't
think things through.
411
00:15:16,170 --> 00:15:18,630
You didn't think it through
when you kissed Jess.
412
00:15:18,690 --> 00:15:21,730
She told me. It's like we just
make these impulsive decisions,
413
00:15:21,750 --> 00:15:24,930
and all we end up doing
is hurting other people.
414
00:15:26,670 --> 00:15:28,290
I can't believe this.
415
00:15:28,340 --> 00:15:29,970
No. No, Sam...
416
00:15:31,610 --> 00:15:32,990
Sam? Wait.
417
00:15:33,010 --> 00:15:34,130
Sam, wait.
418
00:15:34,660 --> 00:15:35,740
I'm really sorry.
419
00:15:35,770 --> 00:15:37,230
I said I wanted
to commit to this.
420
00:15:37,260 --> 00:15:38,620
I thought you understood
what that meant.
421
00:15:38,650 --> 00:15:40,150
I do. I did.
422
00:15:40,170 --> 00:15:41,780
Hey, hey.
Sam, listen.
423
00:15:41,810 --> 00:15:43,410
- What?
- Sam, hear me out.
424
00:15:43,710 --> 00:15:45,230
I kissed her, okay?
425
00:15:45,260 --> 00:15:46,760
She didn't kiss me.
426
00:15:47,340 --> 00:15:49,230
It didn't mean anything to her.
427
00:15:49,650 --> 00:15:51,590
Thank you.
428
00:15:52,420 --> 00:15:53,630
Oh, my God!
429
00:15:53,650 --> 00:15:55,210
I'm sorry, Nick.
It's the training.
430
00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:57,770
He's in such terrible shape!
You could've killed him.
431
00:15:57,810 --> 00:15:59,180
I'm gonna kick your ass, man.
432
00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:00,780
Jess, it may not have
meant something to you,
433
00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:02,200
but it meant something to me.
434
00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:04,690
Is there another doctor
in the house?!
435
00:16:04,810 --> 00:16:06,410
With this crowd, I'm sure.
436
00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:09,180
I'm done. So...
437
00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:11,910
Good-bye, Jess.
438
00:16:11,980 --> 00:16:14,040
No. Sam.
439
00:16:16,190 --> 00:16:18,330
Ice it, 24 hours.
440
00:16:18,810 --> 00:16:20,820
And keep it elevated.
441
00:16:22,570 --> 00:16:24,420
- He even exits cool.
- Oh, God.
442
00:16:27,210 --> 00:16:30,210
Anu? I got
something for you.
443
00:16:30,360 --> 00:16:31,800
Now, this is Freddy.
444
00:16:31,830 --> 00:16:33,950
As you can see,
he has the exact
445
00:16:33,970 --> 00:16:35,480
same build as me, all right?
446
00:16:35,500 --> 00:16:38,540
And he is totally available.
Ain't that right, Freddy?
447
00:16:38,660 --> 00:16:41,600
That is what I call
an arranged bang.
448
00:16:42,850 --> 00:16:47,130
Freddy, are you scared of being
confined in small spaces?
449
00:16:49,540 --> 00:16:52,560
Oh, you'll do just fine.
450
00:16:53,710 --> 00:16:56,650
Now, just remember,
wherever you are,
451
00:16:56,670 --> 00:16:58,740
the Mojo Man is there.
452
00:17:07,590 --> 00:17:09,310
Damn it, Schmidt.
453
00:17:12,620 --> 00:17:14,090
I'm taking this.
454
00:17:14,150 --> 00:17:17,960
Excuse me. Excuse me! Hold up!
455
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:19,230
You know, when I
came here today,
456
00:17:19,250 --> 00:17:21,220
I thought India was
a pretty cool country.
457
00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:23,230
You guys are obviously smart.
458
00:17:23,260 --> 00:17:24,940
You l-looked at the roof
of a bus and you said,
459
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:27,430
"That's not just a roof,
that's more seating."
460
00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:31,770
Kal Penn, he's a genius.
Thank you for him.
461
00:17:32,230 --> 00:17:33,740
But what I didn't know
462
00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:35,960
is that you're a country
full of blind idiots.
463
00:17:35,980 --> 00:17:37,560
- Oh, God.
- Because in your midst
464
00:17:37,570 --> 00:17:39,620
walks a brown angel.
465
00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:42,240
That woman. Right there.
466
00:17:43,750 --> 00:17:44,880
I may be an idiot,
467
00:17:44,920 --> 00:17:46,980
but I'm smart enough
to know what I lost.
468
00:17:48,760 --> 00:17:50,660
You people could've had it all.
469
00:17:51,050 --> 00:17:53,890
And you shoved her over there
at a table with Nick.
470
00:17:54,860 --> 00:17:57,170
Get your crap together, India.
471
00:17:57,280 --> 00:17:59,220
Schmidt...
472
00:17:59,590 --> 00:18:01,530
out!
473
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:08,000
Hello. I didn't
see you over here.
474
00:18:08,730 --> 00:18:09,930
I would love to...
475
00:18:11,050 --> 00:18:12,380
Sorry I didn't see you earlier.
476
00:18:12,410 --> 00:18:13,830
Okay.
They're all-- okay.
477
00:18:13,860 --> 00:18:15,390
You don't all have
to run over there at once.
478
00:18:15,410 --> 00:18:17,460
I mean, she... she's not
that great, you guys.
479
00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:19,760
I mean, she's kind of old.
480
00:18:19,780 --> 00:18:21,780
You should see her areolas--
one's like a helicopter pad,
481
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:23,570
the other one's
like a, you know, like...
482
00:18:23,750 --> 00:18:24,990
like a tick bite.
483
00:18:25,150 --> 00:18:27,060
It's freaky. Very disorienting.
484
00:18:27,090 --> 00:18:29,010
♪ It feels
like a perfect night ♪
485
00:18:29,050 --> 00:18:30,680
Is this making
you feel better at all?
486
00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:34,280
♪ At midnight, to fall
in love with strangers ♪
487
00:18:34,330 --> 00:18:36,330
♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪
488
00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:39,810
♪ Yeah, we're happy,
free, confused ♪
489
00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:41,650
♪ And lonely at the same time ♪
490
00:18:41,670 --> 00:18:44,640
I just wanted to listen
to Taylor Swift alone!
491
00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:46,560
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
492
00:18:46,590 --> 00:18:47,320
How's that?
493
00:18:47,350 --> 00:18:50,390
You know when you get dumped and
you're, like, racking your brain
494
00:18:50,410 --> 00:18:52,680
for what was it
that I did wrong?
495
00:18:52,710 --> 00:18:54,600
Well, this is a really
unique situation
496
00:18:54,630 --> 00:18:57,430
in that I don't have to do that.
497
00:18:57,510 --> 00:18:59,670
Well, what happened?
498
00:18:59,750 --> 00:19:02,450
I'm sorry. I know what--
I know that it's my fault.
499
00:19:02,660 --> 00:19:04,060
I didn't mean it like...
500
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:07,150
Jess, can I say something
501
00:19:07,180 --> 00:19:09,620
- that'll potentially not
help this situation? - No.
502
00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:12,200
I've never been
a home-wrecker.
503
00:19:12,830 --> 00:19:14,800
And I liked it.
504
00:19:14,940 --> 00:19:17,850
I mean, Sam was
threatened by me.
505
00:19:19,010 --> 00:19:21,010
I mean, I see that as a victory.
506
00:19:23,340 --> 00:19:26,340
But in-in more important...
507
00:19:27,050 --> 00:19:31,880
uh, ways, a huge, huge,
devastating loss.
508
00:19:32,110 --> 00:19:33,130
For you.
509
00:19:34,310 --> 00:19:36,460
Should I call Cece?
This feels like Cece territory.
510
00:19:36,490 --> 00:19:37,840
This isn't Nick territory.
511
00:19:37,860 --> 00:19:38,900
This is, uh...
512
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:43,800
Look, Jess...
513
00:19:45,730 --> 00:19:47,850
I'm sorry, okay,
514
00:19:47,910 --> 00:19:49,380
that I kissed you.
515
00:19:49,590 --> 00:19:50,890
But I shouldn't have done it,
516
00:19:50,930 --> 00:19:52,530
because it was obviously
a mistake,
517
00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:54,670
and now you're crying and...
518
00:19:55,050 --> 00:19:56,940
I won't do it again.
519
00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:00,250
Well...
520
00:20:00,310 --> 00:20:04,900
maybe it was a little bit broken
to begin with.
521
00:20:05,140 --> 00:20:06,940
- What happened?
- He just...
522
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:10,270
He always wanted
to fist bump in the morning.
523
00:20:10,300 --> 00:20:13,250
- And you didn't like that?
- I hated it. What are... what...
524
00:20:13,260 --> 00:20:15,260
- I feel like you're forgiving me.
- No.
525
00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:17,650
- I felt like before I said that
you were though. - Nope. Nope.
526
00:20:17,670 --> 00:20:20,750
Now you remembered you're
still mad at me. No? Okay.
527
00:20:20,790 --> 00:20:22,630
- All right, good night, Nick. Night.
- Okay, good night, Jess.
528
00:20:22,660 --> 00:20:23,820
Hey, Jess.
529
00:20:25,380 --> 00:20:26,240
Too soon?
530
00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:27,820
Yeah, too soon!
531
00:20:27,830 --> 00:20:30,350
Well, hey, good night.
And I'm sorry about everything.
532
00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:31,660
Okay.
533
00:20:39,260 --> 00:20:40,590
Okay, yeah.
534
00:20:40,620 --> 00:20:42,020
- That was...
- Yeah. That was...
535
00:20:42,060 --> 00:20:43,390
- a little bit weird.
- So weird.
536
00:20:43,420 --> 00:20:44,620
Let's not ever do that again.
537
00:20:44,650 --> 00:20:46,420
- Yeah.
- Do it again. Okay.
538
00:20:46,480 --> 00:20:48,280
- Good night. Night, Miller!
- Good night.
539
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:50,130
Good night, Sergeant.
540
00:20:52,440 --> 00:20:54,950
I'm glad everything's
back to normal around here.
541
00:20:58,850 --> 00:21:00,240
Thank you for
what you said up there.
542
00:21:00,270 --> 00:21:02,190
- You know, I got a lot
of phone numbers. - Good.
543
00:21:03,390 --> 00:21:04,620
I think I'm gonna go
on a lot of dates.
544
00:21:04,630 --> 00:21:06,460
- I think that's a great thing.
Good. - Yeah.
545
00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:10,420
The plan hasn't changed;
I am still marrying an Indian guy.
546
00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:11,440
- No, yeah, that's fine.
- Okay?
547
00:21:11,460 --> 00:21:13,680
But you went home with a Jew in
a turban, so I'm just saying.
548
00:21:13,710 --> 00:21:15,380
Just take this off.
Come on. Let's go.
549
00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:19,120
God, I have missed this.
550
00:21:21,690 --> 00:21:23,260
Turban on? Turban off?
551
00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:25,250
I'm gonna hate myself
for saying this, but...
39984
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