Original subtitles

(upbeat instrumental music)

(electronic whine)

- Well, look, if you're trying to decide

if we should have last night's spaghetti

for dinner tonight, forget it.

I ate it for breakfast.

(audience laughing)

- Tim, I'm getting the most disturbing vibrations.

They seem to be coming from your left hand.

- The only thing I have in my left hand

is this afternoon's paper and a bill

from last month's car payment.

Which is going to give me some very disturbing vibrations

if I don't come up with some of that green stuff.

(audience laughing)

- Something in the newspaper, on page 15.

- 15?

(paper rustling)

No, nothing here but a bunch of ads.

Well, there's one small article about a...

About a Mexican sheepherder who found an old chest

with some Aztec writing on it.

It was near some town called X-AH-PAC-A-CHEK...

- Xochopachitica.

(sudden dramatic music)

Montezuma, the tablet.

(upbeat instrumental music)

Well, let's hope I can get there

before they open that chest.

- Oh, you've got to be kidding.

Now, you're going to try and tell me

that you're going to traipse all the way down to Mexico

because they dug up some box in ZA-DA-CHA-CHA-POO-CHI?

- Tim, do you have any idea what they're going

to find in that chest?

- How should I know, I wasn't there when they buried it.

- I was, and I'm sorry to say that one of the items

in that chest is a stone tablet commemorating

my arrival from Mars, and my fortnight stay

at the court of Montezuma.

Including a perfect likeness of me

chiseled in stone.

- I don't think used to the idea that on Mars,

anyone under a thousand years old

is still considered a teenager.

(audience laughing)

- Don't bother driving me to the airport,

I'll catch a cab.

- Aren't you forgetting something?

Plane tickets cost an awful lot of money,

and right now our piggy bank isn't making any rattle.

- I know, but this is an emergency.

I don't think a prosperous airline

would mind carrying an extra passenger.

(mysterious instrumental music)

(audience laughing)

(mysterious instrumental music)

Especially if they don't know they're carrying him.

- Well, lookit, Martin, look.

Without me, you are bound to get into some kind of trouble.

I want to go with you.

- I appreciate the gesture, Tim,

but you can't make yourself invisible,

and you said yourself, our piggy bank is rather anemic.

- Sure, but the one at the newspaper office

is bursting with good health.

All I have to do is a little fast talking.

Just con our editor into sending me down to Mexico

to do a follow-up story on that Aztec chest.

Now look, I'll pack a little bag, don't you move,

I'll be back before you can say Juan Robinson.

(audience laughing)

- Well, I can't say I approve of the deception.

But when they serve dinner on the plane,

be sure to order seconds.

Traveling always sharpens my appetite.

(audience laughing)

(mysterious instrumental music)

(antennae beeping)

(mysterious instrumental music)

(antennae beeping)

(upbeat instrumental music)

(jazzy instrumental Latin music)

(audience laughing)

- Pepe Jose Pablo Manuel Lopez has been happy to serve you.

- Oh, well, I hope this will be enough for the five of you.

(audience laughing)

(mysterious instrumental music)

They're not making cars the way they used to.

About that old Aztec chest that was dug up?

You haven't opened it, I hope?

- Oh, not until the fiesta tomorrow.

Right now, the box is sitting in the office

of the chief of police.

You see, this chest, she is very important

to us of Aztec ancestry, senor.

We are all hopeful that in the box,

we will find Quetzel Itzel, the bird god of good fortune.

- Let's hope that's all you find.

- Oh, senor, if you are staying

at Xochopachitica long, there is only one good hotel,

the Palacio de Aztecas.

Adios!

- Adios.

(car engine stutters)

Martin, we gotta into that chest, somehow.

Uncle Martin?

Oh, come on Uncle Martin, where are you?

(audience laughing)

Uncle Martin?

(audience laughing)

How can you think of food at a time like this?

- Because I'm almost starved.

Even though you couldn't talk the hostess

into give you an extra filet mignon,

the least you could have done was to have shared

your dessert with me.

(audience laughing)

Well, now, let's do a little reconnoitering.

I want to see if that chest they dug up

is the one that has my tablet in it.

(audience laughing)

I thought you came down here to keep your eyes on me?

(audience laughing)

- Si - Come on.

(suspenseful instrumental music)

- When Juan Gonzalez, he find the box,

he do not take him to the mayor,

who is a man of smart potatoes,

but to me, Carlos Dominguez, who she is

mucho, more importante.

- I'll bet she is.

(audience laughing)

I mean, I'll bet you are.

(audience laughing)

I don't suppose that the chest is around here, anywhere?

- This is a small town, senor.

But the police force, she is most efficient.

Look. (drawer sliding)

Here, magnifying glass, for the finger...

Pardon. (audience laughing)

Fingerprints.

(drawer contents rattling)

Test tubes, for the chemical tests.

(mysterious instrumental music)

Handcuffs, I send for all the way to Guadalajara.

- Yes, well thank you very much for the interview.

I certainly appreciated it.

I can see with all this marvelous, marvelous

equipment you have here, the...

Well the law enforcement must be marvelous.

- Oh, everybody here, sir, is very, how you say?

Honest.

That is probably why my detective methods

are so effective.

(audience laughing)

- Yes, yes, well, thank you very much, Senor...

(attempts to speak Spanish)

Uh, chief.

(upbeat instrumental music)

(knock on door)

- Buenos tardes.

Welcome to the Palacio de Aztecas.

- Aren't you the cab driver that brought us...

Uh, brought me in from the airport?

The one that recommended this hotel?

- Si.

Pepe Jose Pablo Manuel Lopez, the best cab driver

in all Mexico.

Also the best innkeeper in all Mexico.

Also the best mayor in all Mexico.

- Also the best drummer-upper of business in all Mexico.

(audience laughing)

Oh, my Uncle Martin.

- Ah.

You did not come together from the airport?

- Well, we, um, you see...

We fly together but we never ride in the same cab.

- A family tradition.

Senor Mayor, my nephew is writing an article

about your hardworking city officials.

Would you happen to know what hours they keep?

Say, like your chief of police?

- Carlos Dominguez, hard working?

Ha, it is to laugh.

He leave the office pronto, four o'clock, everyday.

Except this week.

Since the Aztec box, she is found,

the jefe stay in his office day and night

to guard it.

He does not like to do this, but I, the mayor,

gave the orders.

Senor O'Hara, if you wish a dinner most delicious,

you must try the Cantina de las Flores.

(smacks lips) Magnifico!

(audience laughing)

- Well, that tears it.

Look, how are we going to get to that box?

If that... (attempts to speak Spanish)

If that chief is guarding it all night?

- Hmm, all night.

Except for 15 minutes between 7:45 and 8:00,

when he eats at the Cantina de las Flores.

(upbeat cantina music)

(audience laughing)

- Hey, it's 7:40.

Shouldn't we be at the police station instead of here?

- I want to be sure the chief is here

before we leave.

- Oh.

Hm, you know, I don't know how you do it.

You toss off those chili peppers

like they were lady fingers.

(audience laughing)

Water.

Water, water, water.

(incoherent yelling)

(audience laughing)

That's fine, thanks, thanks.

Senor Lopez.

You run this place, too?

Naturally.

I am also the best chef in all Mexico.

- You're not a bad one-man fire brigade, either.

Oh, you can put that away, I'm used to these.

- Gracias.

- Mm, I'll never forget the time

that I saw Montezuma eat 20 of these at one sitting.

He almost...

(upbeat cantina music)

- Hey, you were right, he's right on schedule.

Come on, let's go.

- We better wait until his napkin

is safely tucked under his chin before we leave.

- Dominguez, what are you doing here?

You should be watching the box.

- But Senor mayor, a man must eat.

- Eh, your stomach is already too big.

Of course, if you don't like your job...

- Oh, Senor mayor, do not worry.

I shall keep my eyes on the box until tomorrow.

(audience laughing)

- Well, that's just great.

If he's going to be watching all night,

how are we going to get that tablet?

Uncle Martin, put those things down.

- Put what down?

- Your antennae, they're sticking straight out of your head.

- Oh, nonsense.

I'd know it if my...

(audience laughing) They are up.

(audience laughing)

I don't know what's happened, what's happened?

They won't go down.

(audience laughing)

(frantic cantina music)

- Let's go.

- But senores, you're not finish your dinner.

- Well, amigo, we seem to have lost our appetites.

(singing with cantina music)

- Crazy Americanos.

- I don't know why.

They won't budge.

They seem to be stuck.

- Well look, maybe if I...

Maybe if I gave them a squirt of machine oil,

or maybe a shot of grease?

- Well I wish you'd stop talking

like a service station attendant

trying to sell a lube job.

- I'm sorry, Uncle Martin, but...

Well, has anything like this ever happened to you before?

- No, and I don't understand it.

I felt perfectly well.

- Yeah, well, it certainly didn't affect your appetite.

I mean, you were packing away those peppers

like there was no manana.

- Tim, you said it.

- Manana?

- Peppers.

I've contracted a case of Martian pepperitis.

An extremely rare affliction that affects

the cerebral matrix, which controls the antennae.

- I'm surprised at you.

I mean, if you knew that peppers were bad for you,

why'd you gulp them down like jelly beans?

- The ailment is so rare, it has slipped my mind.

But there is a medication.

Right now, the important thing is to figure out

how to get into that chest.

- You're kidding.

More important than curing yourself?

- Aren't you forgetting something?

If somebody sees my picture on that tablet,

everybody in town will know I'm a martian.

- Aren't you forgetting something?

That with those antlers up, very few people

are going to believe that you're a moose

that came out of the woods looking for his moose mate.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat instrumental music)

- Tim, Tim?

(Tim grunting)

Tim, I'm afraid to look.

Are they still up there?

- Oh, well, Uncle Martin, let's just say,

I wouldn't give back the sombrero just yet.

(knock on door)

- Senores, you left the restorante so suddenly last night,

I was afraid something is wrong?

- Oh, where'd you get an idea like that?

No, no everything is just great.

In fact, we're going right out of our minds.

- With joy.

- Ah, I am happy.

Senor Martin, I have seen how much

you enjoy the chili peppers.

With my compliments.

(sudden dramatic music)

(audience laughing)

Ay caramba!

The sombrero's just going up.

- Naturally.

You can't expect a sea level head

and a 7,000 foot level hat to stick together, can you?

(laughing loudly)

Do you realize just one more second--

- Tim, I've got it!

The remedy for martian pepperitis.

- Terrific-o, ole!

- It's venadium tetraphosphite.

- Oh, and I suppose that can only be found

in some small apothecary shop,

in the southeast corner of Mars.

- I'm happy to say it's also attainable

in our garage back home.

The casing of my cosmo gyroscope

is practically pure venadium hyper-phos.

With luck, we'll just make it before my ailment

becomes more acute.

- Well, great, let's go.

- Tim, I have no intention of leaving without the tablet.

Now that my mind is relieved, it shouldn't be too difficult

to liberate the tablet.

(adventurous instrumental music)

- Por favor, senors.

You please will not leave yet.

There's a complaint against you.

- A complaint?

- In Xochopachitica, we do not look kindly

upon those who come to take things from us.

- Oh, well we haven't taken it yet.

- Well, Miguel Gonzalez, he says difference.

He says last night in the cantina,

you stole his sombrero.

- Uh, chief, my uncle has grown rather fond of that hat,

and a matter of fact, he'd be sort of lost without it.

Do you think maybe Miguel could be induced

to part with it?

- Ah, senor.

I'm sure Miguel would be very happy.

At this price for an old sombrero, he can retire.

(audience laughing)

- Well, how was that for quick thinking?

- Tim, I'm afraid the chief is doing

a little quick thinking of his own.

He's probably wondering why anyone

would want to pay a hundred pesos for a two peso hat.

(electronic whine)

- Ah. (short whistle)

(quiet instrumental music)

(knock on door)

I didn't really ask for the serape,

but it seems that they give one with every six sombreros.

- Perhaps you ought to wear one, too.

It'll be less conspicuous.

- Well, alright.

(upbeat Latin instrumental music)

Well, the chief's in his office, how do we get him out?

- Yes.

(mysterious instrumental music)

(bell rings)

(audience laughing)

- Por favor, silencio, silencio!

Por favor!

(audience laughing)

(suspenseful instrumental music)

(exhales audibly)

- Here, put that over there, Tim.

(suspenseful instrumental music)

Tim, this is it.

- [Tim] You sure?

- Positive.

I'd know the chiseled strokes of Montezuma's

court sculptor, anywhere.

- Hey.

Boy, I sure hope I look half that good in 400 years.

- The chief!

(items clanking)

(suspenseful instrumental music)

- Would you mind explaining to me

how I'm going to explain to him our presence.

- I have faith in your eloquence.

You'll think of something.

Bye, now.

(audience laughing)

- The town is going loco.

Bells ringing by themselves.

I don't know, the jefe has to always worry about the things,

I can't understand what's going...

Senor?

What are you doing here?

- Well, that's an excellent question.

But you've forgotten.

I'm the reporter, and I ask questions.

- Of course.

(sudden dramatic music)

- Scrunch down, Uncle Martin, will you?

(chuckles) Look, I came in to interview you,

but I can see that you're too busy,

so I'll come back another time.

- Senor, I am not busy.

- You're not?

Oh, I suppose you're wondering

why I have two hats.

- Si.

It is rather strange.

- No, no not at all.

You see, I'm very conservative.

For example, some men wear suspenders with a belt.

I carry two hats, just in case one blows away.

(audience laughing)

(sudden comic music)

Lovely picture.

Ix-nay Uncle-ay Artin-may.

- Ix-nay Uncle-ay Artin-may?

- Mm hm, that's Latin.

It means you have excellent taste.

But enough about art.

I did have some questions about the interview.

I wanted to come in and ask you about, uh...

The handcuffs you showed me yesterday.

- What about the handcuffs?

- Could you check them and tell me

if they're made of stainless steel or forged iron?

- Oh, I don't have to check, I know they are made

of stainless steel.

- Ah.

Well, how do you pronounce handcuffs in Spanish?

(speaks in Spanish)

Well, there's our problem.

You see, we have a lot of Spanish readers in our paper,

and so I wouldn't want to misspell it.

Would you mind writing it down for me?

Go. (playful instrumental music)

Oh, while you're at it, chief, you might also

jot down the spelling of your name,

and of your charming little town, here.

Thank you.

- And your...

Your second hat, she is gone.

- Second hat?

Chief, are you sure you haven't been working too hard?

I mean, why would anybody carry two hats?

(audience laughing)

- Maybe I am going loco, too.

- I'd like to take this home with me,

but there's an old Aztec saying,

don't press your luck.

(mysterious instrumental music)

Now, I just remembered something.

What made you jam that hat down over my head like that

in the police chief's office?

I couldn't see a thing.

- You mean, you don't know?

Look, when you disappeared, you disappeared.

But they didn't.

Now, come on, let's get back to Los Angeles,

and get back to that venadium stuff before the...

- Tim, Tim it's too late.

- What do you mean?

- If my antennae don't disappear,

it means my malady has reached

the pepperitis mortitis stage.

- Pepperitis mortitis?

- Mm hm.

- What does that do to you?

No, no, no, no, don't bother answering.

I think I'd rather not know.

(audience laughing)

(citizens chattering)

Oh, this is ridiculous.

Look, with that cop sitting right over there,

we can't possibly do--

- Well, it doesn't matter now, anyway, Tim.

In less than two minutes, I'll be...

Well, look, Tim.

I want you to get to the airport.

Go back home, and forget you ever knew me.

- Just one minute.

In less than two minutes, what?

- I hate to tell you, but my atoms

will lose their density, and I'll become invisible, forever.

Except my antennae, which will float around

in plain sight for centuries.

Tim, please go.

- No, Uncle Martin.

I'm going to stay with you until the bitter end.

I mean, eh.

(audience laughing)

- Senores, senoras!

Mira, look!

Quetzel Itzel!

We will have good fortune forever!

(citizens cheering)

(upbeat Latin instrumental music)

- Can you imagine anybody believing

that a hunk of stone can bring good luck?

- Not stone, Tim.

The Aztecs always used a special rare mineral

for their statues of the bird god.

A mineral composed almost entirely

of venadium tetraphosphite.

(audience laughing)

Tetraphosphite.

Tim, that's it!

I've still got 50 seconds!

(mysterious instrumental music)

Alright, now, quick, Tim.

There isn't a second to spare.

- Alright.

(suspenseful instrumental music)

Eureka!

- Ah, not Eureka, Tim.

Quetzal Itzel.

Are they gone?

- Yeah. - Are you sure?

- Yeah, they're all gone.

- Good, then let's get out of here.

(dramatic Latin instrumental music)

- [Chief] It's not my fault if the bird god, he flies away.

- Well, whose fault is it?

You are the jefe of policia, you are responsible

for law and order.

Or perhaps it is time we had a new jefe?

One who is more capable?

- [All] Si! (murmuring)

(audience laughing)

- Looks like the chief better start reading the want ads,

and look for a new job.

Well, it serves him right for giving us

such a hard time.

- Tim, he was merely doing his duty.

I hate to think my coming here has cost him his job

and made him an object of ridicule.

- Well, there's nothing you can do about it, now.

- Perhaps not, but I couldn't live with myself

if I didn't try.

I wonder if I remember how Sandy Koufax throws that curve?

(mysterious instrumental music)

- Quetzel Itzel!

The bird god has come back to me!

(triumphant Latin instrumental music)

- Hey, Carlos? - Si.

- I think, I think that you have brought good fortune

back to our people

I'm a good mayor, but you are a jefe we can all be proud of.

(citizens murmur consent)

(horn honking)

(upbeat Latin instrumental music)

- One moment.

We can't have the best mayor in all Mexico

drive a taxi.

We must think of protocol.

- Yes, yes, here.

There, that's better.

Alright, to the airport, hombre,

and don't spare the cucaraches.

Horses.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat instrumental music)

(playful instrumental music)

(dramatic instrumental music)