All language subtitles for I Could Never Be Your Woman (2007) 720p BRrip_sujaidr

Pretty impressive..... huh?

People tend to think of me
as that, uh, environmental nut.

But whenever I get down,
to work they say

"Mother nature, you're
such a destructive bitch!"

Well, what you see
as disasters,

I see as laying the groundwork
for the next generation.

You have to grow the new food,
for the new animals...

The big ones eat
the small ones,

and on top of the food chain
are the humans.

Who used to be
very grateful.

And it was working
just fine.

Until one self-centered
generation came along.

The baby-boomers.

And these pampered
post-war pinheads

thought that they could
just breeze through life,

doing whatever the hell
they wanted.

For instance...

When the men would
normally go to war,

you know, all this male
aggression serves a purpose.

It keeps the herd strong.

But these guys said
"I don't like this particular war."

"I think I'll stay home."

And when it was time for the...
women to stop jerkin' around

and start having babies,
they said

"We wanna get our
careers going first.

"Babies could wait till later."

They grew up to be
obsessed with money

and accumulated
useless possessions.

Did they care that they were
depleting natural resources,

and polluting the water, and
ripping holes in the frickin' sky?

But I got them now.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Cause now... now...

They're gonna get old. Ohh!

They're not gonna like it.

They're gonna be
"Oh, I, oh, I don't wanna waddle."

They're taking bits off their ass,
they're puttin' it in their face.

It's not natural.
It's not natural.

And they're gonna say "Oh, no, no,
see, we do not wanna get old. No.

"We wanna stay young forever.
Forever and ever." And...

You know what I'm gonna say to 'em?
You know what I say to 'em?

Tough... shit!

Subtitles by demonseye

Here's a pal of mine
in her 40's,

trying to moisturize
her way back to 30.

But unfortunately her ex-husband
found himself a wife in her 20's.

- Hi, mom!
- Where were you guys?

We went all the way to Malibu and
dropped Sara off at Gail's house.

And then went to Beverly Hills
to drop off Glen.

But they said they'd
rather have their own kids.

Yeah, I forgot which kid
went with which one.

How 'bout oldest kid with oldest
mom and work down from there.

What happened
to your head?

Oh, I had to have
some plugs removed

because the hairs were growing
into my head, instead of out of it.

Where you going with that?

What?

Oh, I... This is mine.
I got it in Pasadena.

No. And you didn't have your wallet,
as usual, so I bought it.

Because I was wearing sweatpants.
I don't have pockets.

For someone who never exercises,
you're always in sweat suits.

Like wearing workout clothes
will make you in shape.

Well, do you think wearing
"Doc Martins" will...

make you a teenager?

Oh, I don't know. Do you think
wearing you're hat backwards

will make you look
more mature?

Well, do-do you think wearing
a sleeveless, uh-uh, T-shirt

makes you... look
like a big bull-dike?

Izzie says you've just been
writing all weekend?

- Mm-hmm.
- No dates?

- No prospects on the horizon?
- No.

Oh, Rosie, you've got
to get over me.

I'm only human.

You know what, Rosie?

You shouldn't be alone.
I'm gonna fix you up with somebody.

- You've kept your looks.
- Thanks.

Ma, he got the
"Welcome Back Kotter" game.

- Lindsay, I love you.
- Oh, thank you, Orlando.

Hey, you said you loved me!

He never said that!

And wearing a wedding dress
isn't gonna change his mind.

But you do!
I know you do!

Orlando, let's go to the beach.

Hey! Get away! He's mine!

He says you have an ugly body.

It's exactly the same as yours.
And that dress is so ghetto.

What's that mean?

Oh, well, in school if something's
cheesy, we call it ghetto.

But, honey, that's like making
fun of the underprivileged.

Like... you know, naming ugly
clothes after their neighborhood.

Hey, I didn't make it up.

Leaves my man alone!

I think you're really nice.
You wanna go swimming?

Why's she suddenly
so happy?

She is manic-depressive.

Hey, ma, how do you know
when it's true love?

Usually... you make the music louder,
and you can move in on 'em.

Or some times they look up
in slow motion.

No, on TV, in real life.

In real life?

Izz, why is there a Ken doll
in the heat vent?

Oh, remember when you had
Alzheimer's and you wandered off?

You know, I'm starting to not care
so much about Barbies.

But she's just getting
her life together.

She's got a jeep, she-she's got
a horse, a recording studio...

Yeah, but, you know, it's
make-believe, it's not satisfying.

You've been doggin' me
all week, dog.

Doggin' me all week... dude.

Brother... Gee...

- Izzie?
- What?

Do people still say "Gee"?

Sure. Today I said
"Gee, I can't wait for lunch."

Dog, don't go fronting like
you didn't blow on your cheddar...

... smokes so you can roll
with Flynn and his peeps. I'm...

You know he just playin' you.

I think you really
need to step off that.

Just remember me and
Ross are your real blood.

We don't have to smoke
mad trees to think you all that.

Wait!

You're right.
I been trippin'.

You know there's no one
I'd rather roll with.

Cut! Great!

Was there too much slang,
you know, for the emotion?

I liked that bit about
smoking the mad trees.

You were good.
You gave me a lot.

You were good.
You gave him a lot.

It's really coming out.

- So good.
- Hey, hey, drop off your phones.

- Marty needs to see Rosie.
- Wow.

You got it.

This is so cute.
Where did you get this?

Sorry, Rosie, president of
comedy needs to see you.

- Oh, okay.
- Bye. Bye

Hey, let's go find mommy.

Bowling is so 8-1-8.

And these balls
are so heavy.

- There.
- Where?

"The balls are so heavy"?

Yeah, well,
their bowling balls.

- It's an innuendo.
- Oh, come...

It implies she holds
men's testicles.

And rolls them
down a wooden lane.

- Ah, just lose her.
- It's Jeannie, my secretary.

- She'll be heartbroken.
- That's it for me.

They make much dirtier jokes on
"Will And Grace" and "Housewives".

You never stand up to him.

It's all a game.

Are you developing
another talent contest show?

- Where?
- New faces of 2006.

Oh, that's my plastic surgery show.

You know, it's amazing
what they can suck out.

He gets his eyes done, marries
a 28-year-old and. you know,

he thinks he's suddenly
turned into a young hipster.

Well, and you think maintaining
your high school weight

makes you a cheerleader.

You're both wrong.

You can jump and peel
and nip and tuck,

but your insides
are still rotting away.

Hey, there's something
new to make over.

Internal organs.

Yeah, you can have
a liver lift.

Hey, a pancreatic resurfacing
or... a colon peel.

Yeah, botox your ovaries, baby.

Then you'll look young
in your X-rays.

He's at Lakers games with
Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake.

He's... trout fishing
with Norm MacDonald.

I'm the one behind closed doors
all afternoon and who have I met?

Yeah, I thought that meant secrets
from his wife, not the whole town.

I'll talk to you later, ma.

Anyone call?

Look what I made of Brianna.

I already did Sean.
It's hilarious.

Uh, we had to make some changes
to this week�s episode.

Your line in the bowling
alley was cut.

Oh... You have to do
what's better for the show.

It was the censor.
He... thought you were too sexy.

- I'm sorry.
- That's fine. Forget it.

Okay. All right, well,
I'm gonna go get Izz.

If anyone needs me,
I'm on my cell.

Sure.

- You go, girl.
- Hey, is Rosie there?

No, you just missed her.

She had an emergency
botox appointment.

You're bad.

No, Izzie, don't hover over Dylan.
Do something else.

- Hi, Britney.
- That's it, talk to the girls, not him.

Bitches!

No. No, no, no, no.

Izz!

- Bye, Dylan.
- Yeah.

Hey!

- Ma, you know what happened today?
- What?

I went to the bathroom and
there was this brownish spot,

but it wasn't from
you-know-where.

Honey, that's your period.

Oh, congratulations, you're...
you're a woman!

Let the games begin!

Ma, what's better? Maxi pads
with wings for extra protection,

or absorbent dry
and bulge your pants?

How many light days
are there?

Honey, you don't
need all this.

- Can I have a Twix bar?
- Yeah.

Oops, I got a career...

by shaking my rear,
and making guys leer.

Oh, baby, baby.
Oops, I'm gonna sing more,

and dance like a whore.

I'm just not talented.

Izz, look what I found.

They gave us these
in the sixth grade.

See...

It's Mindy Menstruation.

Here she is staying clean.
And here she is eating right.

Oh, I like her hair better here.

With her Modes pads, nobody knows
about the gusher between her legs.

When can I have sex?

Uhh... When you�
get your master's degree.

No, come on, really.

When you go to college.
E-eighteen.

Ma, fifteen.

No way!

Maybe... seventeen.

Ma, fifteen is the new seventeen.

Tonight, Yomena faces
a personal crisis

on a very special
"You Go, Girl"

that teens should watch
with their parents.

Quick, call your mom.

Izzie!

It's not the music.
It's driving me crazy.

- It's "Ape's Escape."
- Ma, it's Dylan's favorite game.

I have to get good at it so
we'll have something in common.

Oh, sounds like a firm
basis for a relationship.

- Now, I'll walk you home.
- I have to sleep over.

My father's shooting the
country music awards tonight.

Just do something quiet so...
Izz can finish her homework.

How the hell do you drop
two points from the "Candy Stripers"?

From now on,
no more issues.

No drugs, no teen pregnancies,
no... homosexuals.

What about the same
sex prom date?

Oh, yuck!
No homo stuff!

Except maybe an
occasional lesbian kiss.

But no eating disorders,
no... racial strife.

Come on, let's get on it.
No more janky shows.

Never heard that word,
did ya?

We hired this consulting team.
The next thing they tell us...

all the hot new trends.

Okay, we drop the prom, we move up.
Boys make over the nerdy guy...

No, no, that... that was
just a backup script.

- Makeovers are big.
- Makeovers are so played out.

Plastic surgery makeovers, uh...

queer makeovers, straight
make overs, house makeovers,

car makeovers, there's
nothing more to say about it.

You can do it.

Let's make this show cronk.

Groovy.

Oh, and while we're
in full communicado

I want you to incorporate
these into the show.

We just covered their phones
with matching jewels.

These are the cool new ones.

I read in "Newsweek", where kids
text message more than talk.

- Is that a fact?
- Indeed.

Oh, and put in that stuff
where they write "L" and "8".

That's how they say
"later".

I never seen so many
nerds in one place.

Not since the last
writers' guild awards.

This is Mulersfeild. We're gonna
start with the wedgie scene.

"Maybe you did
give me a wedgie,

"a-and sure my head
i-is no stranger

"to the raging waters
of the third floor toilets.

"But one day...

"She be like ten,
fifteen years from now...

"Maybe you did
give me a wedgie and... Snap!

"... and sure my head is no stranger
to the raging waters of the...

"of the third floor bathroom."

Thank you so much,
that was great.

I have to rewrite this scene.
I mean, they can't all be this bad.

What about that guy, Chad?

Maybe if we called him
back with some notes?

Let me just...
try one thing.

- This is Adam.
- No, wait. Give me a sec...

How'd he do that?

We'll start with the wedgie scene.
It's on page six.

"I hope you're proud
of yourselves.

"I hope you have a real
feeling of accomplishment.

"Cause one day, and you know what,
it might not be in high school.

"It might not even
be in the near future.

"But one day, you're gonna
open a newspaper,

"or you're gonna
turn on the television,

"and you're gonna see
that I or...

"some other... dungeon master
that you bullied,

"has done something
truly spectacular.

"And as you're putting on your...

"name badge from
Pretzel Time, you'll say

"Wow, I really wish that
I was nice to that guy."

"Because you're laughing now.

"You say digital wedgies
are a way of the future.

"Well, okay, I have one of
those wedgies right now, in my pants.

"But you... have a much
deeper darker wedgie...

"on you're soul."

That's what I meant.

- Very nice, we will be looking at you.
- That's okay?

Thank you so much,
that was great!

Adam, that was great.

Thank you very much,
we'll be in touch.

Very good.
Thank you.

There is some more
to see tomorrow.

Yeah, and his agent
to see if he's an asshole.

Yeah.

Don't even think about it.

- Ready for the test?
- Yeah.

You know what Dylan
did yesterday?

He took a tampon
out of Gabby's backpack

and stuck it in his mouth and
it got real big from his spit.

I've been seriously
underestimating him.

- You had to be there.
- Yeah.

Back to math.
What is pi?

- Three...
- Three...

- Three point...
- Three point...

Three point one four.
You knew it last night.

Yeah.
Okay. See ya.

- 3.14 pi, don't forget!
- Yeah.

I was hilarious.

But Brianna kept
telling me to be sexier,

and she'd screw up her line
if I didn't do it that way

but she knew it'd get cut.

Yeah, I get paid.
So what?

It's not just the money, ma.

I'll call you back.

Hi. Is Rosie here?

She's getting her hair colored.

She's told me
to pick up a schedule.

Hold on.

Booya!
Nothing but net!

Big boys know
other ways to score.

- Taylor, where's Bree?
- Aren't we doing her wardrobe now?

We're missing our lunch for her fitting,
and she's standing us up again.

I'm sorry, but I'm not kissing
Brianna's ass anymore.

Speaking of which, a little lipo would
help me with those shorter skirts.

What are you, nuts?
She's got a perfect body.

Oh... Cottage cheese
with your bagel?

And when was the last time
we got a magazine cover?

Lindsey, Paris, the girls of
teen bath. That's all I'm saying.

Well, you're nuts.
That's all I'm saying.

Oh!

Eh, well... You-you got
a way with the attitude. Hmm?

No. No, no, no, no. Let's not put
him in what the other guys like.

It should be what he
looks good in.

Find a shirt that brings out
the green in his eyes and, um...

Give the jacket and pants
the same color to make him thinner.

We gotta get rid
of that sign light.

Look what it's doing
to the skin.

And what about the bags
under his eyes?

Look. I mean, he looks like
he hasn't slept in a week.

No, no, we can't use this lens.
Nothing wider than a 40.

Yeah, look at the nose.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, I'm beautiful.

I am beautiful.

Actually, well, I'm, um...
You're really good.

It wasn't that tough.

Oh, come on. I've never thought
of myself as good-looking.

Why not?

Girls never made me feel cute.

I used to have to make them
laugh to get their attention.

Wait a second.

You used comedy as a cover
for feelings of inadequacy.

You might be on
to something there.

Wait a minute.

What?

You're really beautiful.

All right, now let's do you.

Why is it that I have to get
painted and plucked

and you don't even have to
comb your hair?

How does one achieve this look?

Egg-beater.

Oh, well... I'll see what I can do
but I can't work miracles.

Rosie?

Excuse me.

Adam, Brianna.

- Adam's in next week�s episode.
- Yeah. Hi.

Hi.

I see you later.

Okay.

You know Taylor said
things about me.

You know, I can't arrive
at 7 a.m. for makeup,

do a full day of work, then
go off to a wardrobe fitting,

learn my lines,
and still look 16.

I just can't do it.

It's okay.

You know, everyone
wants a piece of me.

There's just so much I can give.

Bree, if you promise
to stop the yo-yo dieting,

we can make a mannequin and
you don't have to do the fittings.

Thanks.

I just know, when I'm this tired,
I can't do my best work.

Well, nobody wants that.

- Honey you're just... you're just tired.
- Yeah.

- Guess what?
- What?

Life is good.

I know what you mean.

Can I have "Lucky Charms"?
They're magically delicious.

Technically, it's not
really magic, it's sugar.

You know what
happened today?

Me, and Melanie and Zack
are planning to see

the new Adam Sandler
on Wednesday,

and Zack asked Dylan
to come and he said okay.

And then Zack said "I'll be
with Melanie and you'll be with Izzie."

- And you know what Dylan said?
- What?

- He said "I guess".
- You're kidding.

Izz, you still have shampoo.

But this is "Suave"

for the same luxurious hair as
"Pantene" at half the price.

When you put it like that...

I can't believe you're going on
a group date with a boy you like.

Oh, don't worry, ma,
it's strictly platatonic.

Hey, check it out.

Shit's real.

- One of the SAT's dropping, I think.
- Oh, okay.

Yeah, it will be better.

Scene twelve.
Take one.

Ahhh!

Who put this ketchup there?

- I got action, Johnny.
- And... action.

- Ready.
- Action.

I need to know what
you're doing for the talent contest.

- You like him.
- What are you talking about?

- What are you doing?
- Brianna.

Some kind of second city stuff?
I've already learned my lines.

I'll keep your cues
exactly the same.

I don't do whose lines in any way.

- Just great.
- Bree.

Hey, hey, drop off your phones.

I know you don't like thinking
about ratings, but we're in deep shit.

Now, this guy could turn out
to be the next Ben Stiller.

You never know.
And, you know...

it wouldn't hurt for you to have
a good relationship with him.

Okay, we're back.

Thanks.

So, Monty said we're
working till like eight.

Probably. Yeah,
I'm getting my tin coming back.

Does your husband mind you,
uh... working so late?

I'm not married.

Or your boyfriend?

No. No boyfriend.

So, you have to pick out
music for the show, right?

Uh, me and the
music supervisor.

Cause this guy, who
used to be my roommate,

is playing in a band
on Friday night,

and I-I figured, since you have
to do that kind of thing anyway,

- that maybe you'd, uh...
- Can I, uh... ask you something?

Yeah.

Well, most of the students in the show
have wives and kids and homes and so...

Well, you know, they're
not exactly teenagers.

And you have the job,
so it doesn't matter.

But, how... old are you?

- Really.
- Really?

I'm like, uh... 32.

Why?
How old are you?

- 37.
- You're a kid.

So, what-what do you say?

Okay.

- Friday?
- All right.

It's at Sullivan�s which is, you know,
it's kind of a... kind of a dive, but,

Lindsay, uh, stabbed, um,
Hillary there. I think.

Or, no, Mary-Kate may, uh...
happened... Ashley...

- I don't know. It's kinda cool.
- Well, it sounds lovely.

Sullivan�s, yeah.
It's just above the palace.

Oh, yeah....

Oh, yeah, you know
where that is?

But I-I can pick you up.

- Great!
- Yeah? Okay.

At around 9:00?

- All right.
- Okay.

Look where you're going!

- Sorry.
- That's all right. I...

Oh, my God!
How much do we love that?

- Take it to my trailer.
- Thank you.

I'll see ya!

All right, so he's a little younger.
It would be fine if I was a man.

Why can't you copy the smart things
men do and not the... idiot things?

Izz?

What did I tell you
about jumping on beds?

- Only in hotels and daddy's house.
- That's right. So...

Tell be about school.

Well, me and Melanie
had this idea today,

that we'd ask Page to talk to Colin
since he's Dylan's best friend.

And Colin would tell Dylan that
I like him and see what he says.

No, no, no! Don't let 'im know
that you like him.

Act like you don't know
he's alive.

Look... look busy
all the time.

You have to behave like, mm,
you couldn't care less.

Hello?

Are you happy with
your long distance service?

I'm learning a lot
about playing it cool.

- What do you think?
- I like it.

But look what happens
when I do this.

Then don't do that.

- Oh, wow. A kid.
- Yes, I am.

You guys pretty cool, right?

Can I get you a beverage?

Thank you.

- Hey!
- That was a present. From Drew Carey.

Oh, that's very thoughtful.

Ugh! Yucka.

Hey, Zoloft. Your mom and I
take the same medication.

Sounds like a firm
basis for a relationship.

I was in the middle of playing
"Ape's Escape", if you'd care to join me.

Hey, do you know the secret
to get to the next level?

There's a secret?

Can you show me?

All right.

Izzie, please! Shut those apes off.
I can't stand that stupid music.

Ma, I've reached
new heights!

Wow!

Shit.

Thanks.

You look cold.

Oh, no, no, no,
we'll be inside in just a....

- Here.
- Okay.

Can I see some ID?

Excuse me.

- Oh, you'll be the oldest one in there.
- I can deal.

Wouldn't you rather be
at home in a nice hot bath

reading an informative
article on Bolaws?

Fine.
You look ridiculous.

They let her in?

Yes, if you're old,
all your clothes are vintage.

Why is that cute guy
dating his mom?

- You want a drink?
- What?

I'm gonna get a beer.
You want something?

Nothing.

You look like
you need a drink.

Oh, I do?

Let me guess, uh...
Apple martini, right?

I'm sorry,
I can't hear you.

What's up?

Wanna dance?

But no one else is.

- Then we'll be the best one.
- I couldn't, but don't let me stop you.

Alright. My turn to rock it.

You're nuts.

Hey, it's Friday night.
I gotta bring my "A" game.

Quite a variety of steps
you got there.

Well, two of everything,
I think.

I'm that good.

- Oh, I gotta play you something.
- Oh, Green Gang.

Wrong mood.

Ricky Martin?

What?
That's not mine.

I'm not really 37.

- How old are you?
- 38.

- I'm actually 31.
- Okay.

Uh...
I need my keys.

I'm all right.
I'm good. I got 'em.

Oh, I need my wallet.

- What are you doing?
- Huh?

Consider this foreplay.

- What a turn on.
- Yeah, I thought... I thought so.

I'm 40.

- 29.
- What happened to 30?

- What happened to 39?
- You're not even in your 30's.

Well, neither are you.

Hey, besides, you-you know...
you know

that saying
"Never trust anyone over 30"?

So, you can trust me.

- Hey, you look great!
- Thanks.

You had what done?
What'd you do?

Nothing.

Yeah, right.

Watch this. He-he gets the money back.
He totally came up with that himself.

And look.

Look at the testing.

He... Boys ten to twelve, 84%.
Girls, 92%!

We had the same numbers when
Screech was a substitute teacher.

But those were "Oh, oh, look, it's
that 'Saved-By-The-Bell' guy" numbers.

- There's my ace.
- These are...

"who's the new guy?"
Hey, I like him numbers.

The rest of the scripts
are all approved.

Why do you wanna start
writing 3 new ones?

Cause this guy's funny.
He's physical. He-he can act.

Girls will love him.

Oh, at least one does.

I don't need
the extra work.

I believe this kid
can spin off for you.

Okay, we drop one point,
it's your ass.

We won't. I promise.

Fight! Fight! Fight!

- Fight! Fight! Fight!
- Hey!

Hey! Cut it out!
Who told you to hit girls?

- She started it.
- I can take 'im.

What was that about?

He said "Your mother's show only got
a 6.3 rating. And it's down the toilet."

Hey, Noah! I heard Brad Pitt's
firing your dad's law firm.

These guys are special,
so they go on display.

And these go to "Good Will".

- Oh, no.
- What's wrong?

They're all naked and
skinny and lying in a pile.

It looks like a concentration
camp. We-we have to dress them.

- Ma...
- Please. It's depressing.

What happened at the movies?

Did Dylan put his arm
around you?

No.

Did... you both put your arms
on the arm rest together?

Well, first his arm went on it.
And then I put my arm on it.

But then he took his off
and sat like this.

He's not ready for girls yet.

He had a girlfriend last year.

Then he has no taste.

Ma, I love him.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Izz, are you sure you're... done
with these guys?

Yeah.

It's just so sad.

It's like when you finish a season
and the actors all go away.

Wanna play one last game?

Ma, I'm too old for Barbies.

Yeah, but I'm not.

Okay, who should be
in love with who?

Let's see.

- You're enabling.
- What?

Wardrobe for the new
scenes with Adam.

I am not enabling.
I'm rewriting. This is nice.

Thank you.

Putz, noun, a yokel, a jerk.

Our Rabbi consultant
said it means a penis.

We're allowed to say penis.

Yes, you can say penis, but
this is the bad penis. Like prick.

And what exactly
is the good penis?

Check it out.

Why don't I just say
"He's so gay"?

That's kind of derogatory.

But everyone says it.

- Ok everybody, that's lunch.
- Hey, hey, drop off your phones.

No walking away with the props.

I see you.

He is an actor.

Hey, back off, Miss Bulimia.

Hey, Screech.

You know, the buzz is
Brianna wants you out.

Why?

She says you're too bry.

Me?

See, I get you.

But Brianna,
she doesn't like anyone

unless they make a big old stink
about how gorgeous she is.

Rosie really wishes you'd,
you know... flirt with her.

She never said anything.

Well, she can't exactly say
"Go hit on Brianna."

Not after that stupid sexual
harassment class we had today.

Hey, man, don't bogart
all that doobage.

It's not pot.

- De je ton.
- Je ton!

Oh, je do de ton on.
Oh, thank heavens for the little girls.

... a white Zinfandel...
Hello.

What is.. Wow,
how do you get that job?

What's this?

The way those two
keep running off

the AD's thought it'd be easier
to listen to where they are.

- Sounds like Adam likes Bree.
- This isn't very nice.

I am so sick of reading about
Meisha, and Lindsey, and Katie.

- Yeah.
- Now, they're all getting better parts.

Yeah.

Soon, the whole yum girl faze is
gonna be over. And it kills me.

I mean, I was a teenage girl
before any of them.

- Bree,
- I should be playing...

We're jumping ahead
to the beach party scene.

Oh, oh, I get to wear
my pretty bikini.

Did I ever tell you you've
the body of a 29-year-old?

Oh. Really?

I hope you plan
to take advantage of it.

I gotta go.

I can't let you go.

No, but I must.
You have to go. Go.

But I can't do it!

But you have to go.

You have to... I can't go.
But you must! All right?

Your work is bigger
than the both of us.

After all, the prom episode
isn't going to produce itself.

I gotta go.

- All right.
- We can continue this later.

- Okay.
- You're done for today.

Really?
My car's still in the shop.

Take mine.

I'll bring it back
before you leave.

Okay.

You go, girl.

You're suspicious, you're giggly,
you're worried, then you're mushy.

What an emotional
roller coaster you're on.

Roller coasters are fun.

For teenagers.

- It's exhilarating.
- Until you get nauseous.

Can I help you?

- Just looking at the stage.
- Oh, well, it's in use at the moment.

Hum, okay.

Go find out
who they are.

If A equals B, and B equals
C plus ten,

then C is to A...

Okay, if I had my first
writing job

on "Family Matters" in 1986
and he was born in...

Oh, my God!

1977! Then Urkel is to him
what David Cassidy is to me.

And the dark myth Madonna is to me,
what the Jewish Madonna is to him.

And if I mention something from
my childhood, it would be to him how...

I feel about it as before I was born.
Like it's ancient history!

- Ma?
- Huh?

How do you make a positive
number turn negative?

Take away its Prozac and put it
with a bunch of smaller numbers.

- Ow! Ow!
- Oh.

Stop. stop.
Let me.

- This isn't gonna work.
- Yeah, I know.

- Let's get in the back seat.
- No, I mean this.

You and me.

Wow, what'd I do?

Oh, no, nothing...
No, you're...

You're wonderful.

- We had fun, Friday?
- Oh, yeah. No, Friday was great.

Then, why?

I... Remember when we had
that talk about you being 29?

I keep thinking about how...

young... that is.

I'm planning on getting older.

Yeah, well, I'm not planning
on getting younger.

That just means dumber.

Come on.

You just think I'm a
dumb kid. Don't you?

No. Of course not.

You're the one who's young.
Young is far superior to old.

- In what?
- In everything.

Oh, yeah?

Who's funnier,
Tom Green or George Carlin?

Well, that's a freak example.

You... you know in our society
young outranks old.

Tall outranks short.
Cute outranks smart.

I just...

If we got involved...

someone's gonna
get hurt. And...

because I'm... older...

I have to be
the responsible one.

But we could still be friends.

- We can still be friends, can't we?
- Yeah, you know I was there for you.

Matthew Perry has
no sense of humor.

- Okay, this one.
- Okay.

Hello.

No, it's-it's much slower.

You are so grounded.

Hello! I'm home!

What are you guys up to?

Nothing.

How come you're home so early?
Where's Adam?

I decided we shouldn't
go out anymore.

Why? I like 'im.

I'm trying to be mature.

That's not really your style.

Yeah, I know.

At what age do you stop
going out on dates?

Don't be an idiot.

What? Old people
don't go out on dates.

Good night.

Good night.

- Stop it.
- I told her the truth.

Where's Rosie?

She's at the gynecologist.

- When's she gonna be back?
- I don't know.

They have to hack
through all the cobwebs.

She told me to pick something up
at the office, but no one's there.

Sure.

That 45-year-old would love to lock me
in the office while everyone is on the set.

And yet you manage to show up
every day. You're so brave.

It's for you.
Rosie decided to give you an "R".

What's an "R"?

It's what you get when
you screw the producer.

- She wrote these?
- Yeah.

You got three more episodes.

Since you're gonna
be around a while,

why don't you and I,
you know, get some coffee?

So what are you saying?
We can't use the "Sparkly Farbs"?

No.

They can be prom phones.

- Hey!
- Hi.

Oh, I... see
you got the new episodes.

Yep, and, uh...

- I got some good news for you.
- You do?

Mm-hm. I've been doing a lot
of soul searching lately and...

I'm gonna give you
another shot with me.

Pretty sly, Stallone.

I think you're good
for the show.

You think that's what
you think, but really,

your subconscious is finding
ways to keep you with me.

I'm surprised some Ivy League psyche
department hasn't snatched you up.

Art with out love is nothing.
Nietsche said that.

Oh.

I don't think Nietsche
watched "You Go, Girl".

Could have TiVo'ed it.

Could've.

Adam likes you a lot.

Yeah, why do you think that?

He make you a music mix.

That's how boys tell you
what's in their hearts.

That is so adolescent.

Just listen to it.

Hey!

- Uh?
- Where is your car?

Ah, it's at a...
another party I'm working.

You know that? Uh, Rosie wanted to cut
your scene but I told her to keep it in.

Thanks.

Hey, we're here!

See. Now, we look alike.

- I don't see it.
- No, I can. They look a little alike.

Yeah, you can totally
be his nephew.

Nephew?
You mean brother.

- How old are you?
- 30.

Well, how old
do you think I am?

49?

Yes. But how old do I look?

- Well, I'd say...
- Say 32 or he'll never stop.

- 32?
- Thank you.

- Moisturizer.
- Ahh!

No! This stuff is
impossible to clean up.

Izzie, what did I say
about jumping on beds?

Please don't be mad.

It took us all this time to talk
Dylan into playing truth or dare

and then he started showing off.
And I was afraid you'd stop him.

He was doing this
to make you laugh?

- I think.
- Pretty good, yes?

- Is Brianna Minx here?
- Not yet.

But she's coming?

- Uh, probably.
- Come on.

Men.

Hey, don't go away.
An all new "You Go, Girl" is up next.

Quiet, everybody,
here come my big scene.

Mr. Heart, can I have
a bathroom pass?

Wow, who found that skateboard?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, props to props.

Good job.

Here's to you.

- Nathan.
- Huh?

Put it down.

Fine. I bought it.

You didn't buy it.

See you later, Adam.

Hey, take it easy Terry.
Good job tonight.

Ready to leave?

- Uh, are you?
- Sure.

See you later.

Well, I can give you
a ride home.

Oh, that's all right, I already have one.
Excuse me just for a second.

Grave robber.

The clothes on the show
look great.

What are you working on
at the moment?

Well, I'm writing that reality show
called "Assisted Living".

Takes place in an old age home.

How can it be real
if you're writing it?

Isn't she cute?

- Cracking show.
- Good night.

Thanks, Rosie.

- Thanks for coming.
- Good night.

Bree, excellent episode.

- I'm concerned.
- Why?

I think Adam's broad humor
cheapens your wonderful writing.

Think about it.

Good night.
Nice meeting you, uh...

- ... bat boy.
- Joey.

- Now, take this off.
- No, I feel naked.

Show some skin.
He's just in there.

- My bra straps are showing.
- Don't show 'em to me, show 'em to him.

Good luck.

Here, ma.

I have receipts.

- Is Jeannie gone?
- Everyone's gone.

You know, it's so cool,
I talked to my grandmother,

she invited over all of her neighbors,
she's like the hit of the condo.

You want something
to drink?

Beer. Yeah.

It's weird, you know,
it's like one minute you're watching

Jarred losing weight eating... subways

and... and then it's you.
I don't know.

- Yeah. Pretty heavy stuff.
- Yeah.

- I don't wanna wake up Izzie.
- She's not here. She's with her father.

- When's she coming back?
- Sunday.

- So, we're all alone here?
- Yep.

Just you and me.

Mrs. Robinson, you're trying
to seduce to me.

You would like me
to seduce you?

Yes!

- I've missed you.
- I've missed you too.

You are so... dead.

Nice... lovely... frame.
Get up, get up, get up, get up.

Oh yes, yes.
Uh-uh.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Don't answer that.

That's my mom.

I'm so... Hey, mom.

- Guess what your father did?
- Yeah, look can I call you back?

Oh, shit, I left
my condoms in the car.

Wait here.

You know, one day frat boy here is
gonna wanna get somebody pregnant.

So?

So, by the time he's ready,

you're gonna be as brittle
as those rice cakes you live on.

There's more to love
than having babies.

- He's just using you.
- That is so wrong.

He already has the job.

Let me in,
I forgot my keys.

You'd loose your head
if it wasn't attached.

Give this to Adam,
would you?

That's this?

We collected his real
phone by accident.

- Tell him I'm sorry.
- Okay, sure.

Well, we got a 7.2 rating.

Yeah, but David Spade
got twice as much.

Yes. But you have
to look at the lead-in.

See, even though
their numbers look higher

we went up from
"Candy Stripers". So...

You understand
how TV works now?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Everyone loves David Spade.

Would you forget about David Spade?
Anyway, we went up 2 points.

They have to be happy
about that.

What do you love most
about me?

Who said I love you?

Oh, come on.
It's obvious.

I'm not saying that.
First.

- What if we tell...
- Oh, my God.

Weren't you on
"You Go, Girl" this week?

You were so funny.

Oh, that scene where they teach
you to dance was so funny.

Thank you.

I mean, I don't usually
watch "You Go, Girl".

- It's gone so downhill.
- Oh, I don't know about that.

But that episode,
was the best in months.

Is that the check?

- Can I give this you?
- Yeah, sure.

She was great.

Did you know Marty Green?
He's the president of...

- ... comedy development
- Comedy. Yeah I know him.

He wants me to go with him
to the network on Friday.

- A new show or...
- I don't know.

It was so great meeting you.

I hope you don't think
this is too pushy

but I'd love to give you
my head shot.

Uh, also I have a reel.

And I'm studying the Misner method...
with Jeff Goldblum.

Maybe you could give it
to the "You Go, Girl" people.

Well, I put my number there.
Look.

Thanks.

He's had a little taste of fame and now
it's time to see what it can get him.

He's not interested.

Let me show you something.

Notice the large
hip-to-waist ratio.

That's not his type.

Fertility is everyone's type
whether they realize it or not.

This butt is screaming estrogen.

Not to mention her odor
and excess body hair.

Now she can starve it, she can wax it,
she can deodorize it,

but he will pick up
the signals.

Signals your body isn't sending.
No matter how well you preserve it.

That's how it is
for animals, not us.

You're hopeless!

Do you think she's any good?

Well, the coffee came
really fast.

If you send 140 dollars,

how much is the flower
per pound? I don't know.

You didn't even try.

I mean, even if I get it right,
Mr. Skinner says

that I didn't figure it out
the right way. I hate math.

If you eat 3 cookies,

and a 50-calorie plum
and you've had 140 calories,

- how many in one cookie?
- 30.

Right.

So, why do they
make it so hard?

Did Adam call?
Cause I think he's coming over.

Ma, your purse is ringing.

Oh, that's Adam's phone.

Hotshemama!

Is that the new
"You Go, Girl" poster?

No, that's... Brianna
in a bedroom with someone.

Well, I'm not gonna help you
pack, so don't go there.

Someone just sent it to him.

If this was sent to the phone,
wouldn't it be in a...

a message place? I mean,
how did it get to be there

when you turn it on?

How did TiVo know
that you like "South Park"?

How did they get "Baby's Got Back"
to be a ring tone?

Okay, I won't jump
to any conclusions.

I'll... I'll talk to him about it.

Honey!?

I'm home!

Alone.

Starring Macaulay Culkin

as a boy who was
inadvertently left

by himself

at his house

when his parents go on vacat...
What are you making?

My phone.
I've been looking for...

When'd you did this?

You are right, he isn't cheating!

How'd you tell?

He's not that good an actor.

Guys!

Guys, can we finish this?

What for?

So we can make
the show better.

The writing's on the wall.

Come on, for the shorties.

Okay, Tray's band is blowing up

and Yomena feels
unappreciated and she says...

- Where's Rosencrantz and O'Reilly?
- Mail.

They had a meeting with Marty.

And they were wearing jackets.

A network meeting?

Oh, look!

I never got one of those
picture tickets befo...

- It's so great you're doing this.
- Anything for the kids.

Hey, have you and Adam
been seeing each other?

No.

Is this what you're wearing?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- It's great.

Not even just friendly,
going places, driving around...

Rosie.

Hey, she's here.

You sure?

I may be a lot of things
but I'm not a liar.

- Hey, thank you so much for doing this.
- Sure.

- TSA, take one.
- Action.

I would never ever
date a smoker.

- Cut.
- Great. Check it.

Be with you in a minute.

- Courtney Love?
- Drop-out hag.

Fay Dunaway?

- Don't call us, we'll call you.
- Sharon Stone?

Hag.

- Geena Davis?
- Hag.

- Sigourney Weaver?
- Hag.

- Kim Basinger?
- Hag.

- Emma Thompson?
- Britt hag.

- Susan Sarandon?
- Richly alienated hag.

Meg Ryan?

Too much plastic surgery.

Melanie Griffith?

Way too much plastic surgery.

- Patricia Heaton?
- Pointless plastic surgery.

Cher.

Insurmountable amount
of plastic surgery.

Listen, you little bird of a man,

where do you come off
insulting these women?

How many good songs did you sing?
How many Oscars do you have?

Could you look cute
next to Warren Beatty,

or live with Don Johnson,
or act with Ted Danson?

You're not worthy of
kissing Cher's tattooed ass.

He'll see you now.

Hey, you look great.

How's Lizzie?

If you're asking me about my kid,
something must be wrong.

Okay, I won't BS you.

There's fewer and fewer
spots for scripted shows.

They're expensive dinosaurs.
No one cares.

"Two And A Half Men"?

Older woman,
the least desirable demo.

If we want the kids, we gotta
be cutting-edge and off-the-chain.

That means music and clothes.

You keep lowering our budget.

Face it, "You Go, Girl" is...

straight played.

I'd rather tell you now
since we're friends than...

So, you're replacing me
with a reality show.

Actually, we got a sitcom
for that slot.

Two hip young writers,
Rosencrantz and O'Reilly,

have created a show for
this... hip new funny kid, uh...

Oh, wait, you know him.
Adam Pearl.

It's called "The Shizzle".

"The Shizzle"?

"The Shizzle".
It means the new cool stuff.

No, it doesn't,
it means shit!

I can't say anything and
you can name a show after shit?!

How do you like that?

Good luck. I'm sure
it'll live up to its name.

Thanks for your support.

Rosie!

Hey! Henry!

See? You should
have been Pinkey.

Congratulations on your show.
It's really funny.

- Thank you. We're having a great time.
- My kid loves it too.

Oh, yeah,
talking about your kid...

I think she got hold of
your phone book.

I got some crank calls.

- You know.
- What?

Yeah and, now,
listen, I don't mind.

But if she calls an executive
with no sense of humor...

Oh, my God. I am so sorry.
No, no, no, no, it won't happen again.

Believe me, I understand.
My kids still do it and their in their 20's.

- I'm glad to see you.
- You too.

- You look great.
- Thanks.

- We're sorry.
- I can't believe you did such a thing.

What were you thinking?

Nothing.

Was it just Henry Winkler?
Who else did you call?

- Jerry Stiller.
- No one.

Who else?

Andy Dick, Jason Bateman,
Kirstie Alley, Heather Graham...

David Hyde Pierce...

- Johnny Knoxville.
- Right.

Mel, I think you should
go home now.

I'm sorry.

This makes me look
like such an idiot.

If you have
someone's home number

it's because they trust you
to protect their privacy.

Now, I look
totally unprofessional.

I'm sorry.

What am I gonna do with you?

You could punish to me.

Like... I could write an apology
to everyone I called

and not use the phone
for a week.

A month.

That's excessive. Two weeks.

Okay.

Hey, what's going on
all of a sudden?

Everyone I take care of
is turning on me.

Mom, you're globalizing.

Weird subjects in this night,
forces of love's pure light.

Why is it so dark in here?
What...

What are you guys doing?

- Putting a spell on Dylan.
- We're witches.

That's so sad.

Don't worry, ma,

we're not Satan-worshiping
human-sacrificing witches.

- We're black mini-skirt witches.
- Like in "The Craft".

It's just lousy that
the only way teenage girls

can feel in control is
to be anorexic or... witches.

How do you do this, anyway?

If you want to sell in
your true love

you grind coriander seeds

while you chant and light
candles anointed with love oil.

Love oil?

We used canola oil instead.

I'm hungry.

Let's get some Coco Crispies
to hold us over.

- You the letters right?
- From Zack.

Come together.
Let this grinding be a tether.

Were have you been?
I've been calling,

I've been e-mailing,
text messaging...

I've been dying to tell you something.
Marty said I should wait.

- Marty?
- Yeah.

What, cause he didn't want me
upset until the shows were done?

- I don't know.
- Unbelievable.

Hey, listen...

Listen, they want me to
do a mid-season pilot.

Okay, well, what's that got to do
with what you have to tell me?

That's it.
It is what I have to tell you.

- What about Brianna?
- What about her?

Don't make me look like an idiot.
I know what's going on.

If you guys are
getting involved, don't....

Don't hang around and
pretend you care about me.

What?
Where's this coming from?

This came in the mail.

Well, this is craz... Someone's
obviously screwing with you.

That's what I thought.

Someone must be screwing with
me by playing with your phone.

But is the department of motor
vehicles screwing with me?

And... is the sound department
also screwing with me

when I heard you
hitting on Brianna?

Hitting on Brianna! Wha...?
Are you smoking crack?

- You were flirting with her.
- You told me to.

Why would I do that?

Because you said that she needs
to think everyone's crazy about her.

I never said that.

That's not what I heard.

I knew
this would happen.

You're a big shot.
You're on TV.

So, you-you have... you-you wanna
get back at all the females

that didn't appreciate
you in high school

- so...
- Oh...

You have to get all the cute
young girls you possibly can.

I don't want cute young girls!
I want you!

- You know what I mean.
- All right. Get out!

I am too old for these...
high school dramatics.

You're the one
that's acting adolescent.

I'm upset,
not acting adolescent.

Hey, how you two kids
getting along?

Oh, God, please tell me
you're wearing shorts under that.

Yes. But there just cut
really high.

Dude, besides, I've got
good legs and a great butt.

Yeah, well, you know,
that's what everyone says.

- "There's Nathan, what an ass."
- Uh, hey, uh,don't let me interrupt.

- He was just leaving.
- No, I wasn't.

Get out! We are done
with this discussion!

You can tell
when she's really angry,

her voice gets
all high and squeaky.

Yeah.

Look, I'll admit that
something sketchy's going on.

And I've never even been
in a car with Brianna.

But if you don't believe me,
we've got serious trust issues.

Exactly!
I always said that.

- What has this got to do with you?
- Only everything.

This is the first guy
you've dated in 10 years

I can actually hang out with.

And I do not want you making
the same mistakes with him

that you made with me.

I am trying to be...
Bruce Willisy.

Which is great because
I'm trying to be Ashton.

Which in turn would
make her, uh... Demi.

Yeah, or Demi, or Dem...
no, I think Dem...

One which is Demi...
But I actually know it's....

- Yeah, the thing is Demi. Well, um...
- Is she nice?

Yeah, she's very nice.
But I think she's a Demi.

I don't think she cares
if... she's a Demi.

What are you two idiots
talking about?

I am not Demi!
You are not Ashton! And you...

are definitely not Bruce Willis!

- See how high it gets?
- Yeah.

After my bachelor party,
only dogs could hear it.

I believe it.

Look, this is crazy. All right, I'll....
Let's... let's just calm down.

- Get out!
- No!

Go!

I'm going...
Okay, I'm gonna go. But...

we're not done here.
I'm gonna call you.

- Hey...
- No!

You were gonna
throw it anyway.

- Fine.
- Thank you.

Izzie!
Let's go, honey.

No boyfriend, no job...

Just a lonely spinster
with a kid. You happy now?

I'm watching, just a minute.

You know, this makes
a lot of sense,

Mrs. Robinson is
sophisticated and gorgeous.

She gives this kid
the best sex of his life,

asks for nothing in return,

he... pulls a Soon-Ye,
dumps her,

and she's supposed
to be the monster.

Could you not get
crumbs all over?

Why? It's not as if anybody
sleeps on this side of the bed.

What's wrong?

Why does something
have to be wrong?

Okay.

Katy is such a bitch!

She's standing by the snack truck
and she tells everyone:

"I think I'll go out with Dylan".

And she knows I love him,
cause Colin told her.

So Melanie says "You know
that Izzie likes him."

And she goes

"Yeah, well, just cause Izzie likes
him doesn't make them a couple."

Do you believe her?

She doesn't even like him.
She's just jocking me.

What's "jocking"?

Copying, and don't put it
in your show.

Did you tell Katy
how you feel?

No.

Can I change my name
to Drew?

What's wrong with Izzie?

Nothing. Could you just
call me Drew from now on?

I hate this place.
Why do I have to try on pants?

You can't keep wearing
the same ratty jeans everyday.

Why don't we just buy them?

I don't feel like driving back and
forth 1000 times exchanging them.

I look like a cow.

Does the waist fit?

- Their humongous.
- I-I just need to see the waist size.

They don't fit.

- Their too small for me.
- They look good.

- They won't close.
- Oh.

- Well, what's the length?
- There tight, ma, forget it.

I'm too fat!

My belly is gigantic!
You wouldn't understand!

You've got a flat stomach
and you're pretty.

No, honey, no, my face is falling down.
Everything is drying out. I'm...

I'm hurdling toward
Cloris Leachman.

You're young.
You're like a fresh new peach.

Izzie, you're beautiful.
Don't you get it?

I'm not beautiful!
I'm not even cute!

I'm an ugly pig!

Oooh, waggle string.

Can I have these?

Yeah.

Bet Adam sent them.

All right, what's the deal, you?
Why aren't you on the set?

This is shit.

Look, you told me you'd get me
the "You Go, Girl" writers.

But you didn't
get me Rosie.

That's a whole extra producer.
I don't need that.

When I took this job,
you promised me

the whole "You Go, Girl" group.

You got those two writers.

Yeah, but that's not the group.

That's like... giving me
the News minus Huey Lewis.

Look. kid. you are blowing
a ginormous chance.

You're gonna give up your big shot
to... be loyal to some broad?

Is that how you wanna roll?

As a matter of fact, Sinatra,
that's exactly how I wanna roll.

I'll be back when you get her.

Hey, Dawson,

let me give you some advice.

You're gonna wanna
cut those apron strings.

Otherwise, you're never gonna
be a real man.

I don't need to be a real man.
I'm an actor.

Ma?!

Hey,

don't you wanna make me
a high fiber breakfast?

Like you would ever
eat such a thing.

Just have your Lucky Charms.

Hello.

Hey... Ha-ha-ha, that's quite
a Frankenstein you created there.

What are you talking about?

That Adam kid.
He doesn't like the scripts. He...

don't take direction. They tell me
he doesn't trust anyone but you.

So, I'm thinking, maybe
you'd like to come down

and be supervising
producer on "The Shizzle."

I'm thinking...
maybe not.

You're thinking...
maybe not?

Maybe not?!

Well, I'm thinking... shit!

Strutting bucks walk shoulder
to shoulder sizing each other up.

While the females wait to attach
themselves to the strongest males.

Bucks lock antlers
in mortal combat.

Whoever is victorious
will impregnate

the treatful females
of the herd.

The challenger leaves in humiliation
without sowing his seed.

So that's how it is.

Most powerful male gets
most babalicious female.

That's right.

Well, what if there's
a really cute male antelope

or a female that shows
signs of leadership?

- Useless
- Why?

Look, there's an order
to this mayhem business.

Why can't we change things?

Haven't you self-centered pet-cloning
assholes changed enough?

It's not natural.

What's so great about natural?

- What?
- Think about it.

Tobacco's natural.

Prozac's unnatural.
Earthquakes are natural.

Television's unnatural.

Natural sucks.

She can't seem to stay on task.

Her homework is tardy.
Her language is crude.

Also, there's far too much
socializing with her neighbors.

Now, I know
you're a working woman.

But I was hoping for
a little more discipline at home.

Well, the thing is...

Izzie just got her period.

And.., she's had
really extreme mood swings.

Believe me,
I'm well aware of puberty.

Well, did you know
that a girl's test scores

can vary up to 20 points at
different times in her cycle?

And not to mention the fact
that even female teachers

start giving lower grades
to girls as they develop.

That's preposterous!
Why would teachers do such a thing?

You tell me.
I mean... Well...

Why did she get
this and this and this

and these three questions wrong
when the answers are right?

Because she didn't
show her work correctly.

But she got it right.

The standardized tests require her
to get to the answer a certain way.

But her mind works
a different way.

Well, my job is to get the students
to do well on the standardized tests.

Wouldn't it be better to encourage girls
to feel good about math and science

instead of tricking them into
thinking they're stupid?

I've got an idea,

why don't you teach her
to stop the potty mouth

and let me teach her to take
the standardized tests?

I've got a better idea.

Why don't you take the standardized
tests and shove it up your ass.

Well, at least I see where
the language comes from.

Honey.

You're the best mom ever.

Let's get out of here.

Young girl
wants to be a big name.

In movies they must all
be the same.

She won't need
to sing or to act.

Just loose all
of her body fat.

And isn't it moronic.

Don't you think?

It's insane!

Izz, whenever you sing that part
in the car, you really belt it out.

Oh, yeah, that's the screaming part
but I decided to sing it regular.

How come?

Because everyone will be at the
show. Dylan will be there.

So?

Sometimes I hit the note
really good, you know, and...

But sometimes
I don't and I just...

I don't wanna take chances.

It doesn't matter if
you hit the note or not.

As long as you just go for it.

Dive in! Balls out!

As long as you give it
all you've got.

No one's gonna care
if it's on the...

The, the, uh...
The thing.

- Key?
- Yeah.

And don't try to be safe.

It's insane.

That they lose
so much weight.

It's young and cold,
but no food on her plate.

It's a common thing

barfing up a cake.

They think they're all two

stick figures.

Sounds great!

Action.

Quiet!

"Dear Rosie, I'm sorry I didn't have
time to give you two weeks' notice,

"but I got a job on "The Shizzle",
Best luck, Jeannie"

Hello.

They've offered you
a really nice bump.

I, uh...

I just don't wanna do it, Stove.

You want me to tell them that

and then we'll see what
they come back with?

They've called about
4 or 500 times.

What am I gonna do
when you're gone?

I'll never be gone.

Whenever some chess club
is gettin' pounded on,

I'll be there.

Whenever somebody's flossin'

about how the
bitch slapped the little guy,

I'll be there.

And whenever Melvins band together
to tear open a can of whoopass,

I'll be there.

Okay, we can't use "whoopass", so...
let's use "smackdown" on the hater thing.

Can I see the dailies
for the beach scene?

Don't bite my stuff.

Oh, wait, sorry, sorry.
Can I do that again?

Action!

When we called Pink.
I said shotgun.

You know what? If this were 1990
I would say talk to the hand.

But since it's not,
my hand won't be bothered.

You said that Brianna needs
to think everybody's crazy about her.

I never said that.

Okay, Han is in love with him.
And she's past aggressive.

Past what?

You know, past aggressive.

People who act all friendly
but really aren't. Like Jeannie.

Look what I made Brianna.
And Sean.

It's hilarious.

Hey, come in.

So, what is the hold
you have over this kid?

I believed in him and he knows it.
I'm the one that brought him to you.

Oh, yeah.
How do you like that?

You're such a putz.

But if you want me
to consider your offer,

you have to do something first.

Anything.

Get rid of Jeannie,
my old secretary.

That's gonna
be kind of tough.

- Why?
- It's just tough firing... people.

When did you start
caring about secretaries?

You fired everyone
you ever slept with.

It's me or her.

Okay.

What?

Listen, zippo, you even think
about it and I'll go to your wife.

Oh, sweetie...

Go ahead

and I'll show her your
little photography project

and tell her what a
little liar you are.

You dried-out old bitch!

Why don't you has-beens
ever move over for young talent?

Since when did screwing producers and
eating craft services become a talent?

- Wow, look ladies...
- Now, what am I supposed to do?

Where am I gonna work?

I'm sure you could
get your old corner

back on Hollywood Boulevard.

Jesus!

There, there, there.

Oh!

She hit me.

We'll talk.

Wow, that was fun.

Attention, parents,
the talent show's about to begin.

I always knew
Jeannie was a psycho.

She must've really liked me.

Ah, how can you blame her,
I mean...?

Poor thing.

I'm sorry.

I was an immature baby.

Well...

It's to be expected
at your age.

No, I should have trusted you.

I just got so paranoid you'd leave
me because I'm such an old hag.

I'm not that superficial,
I don't care how old you are.

- You don't?
- No, I just care how much you weigh.

Oh, nice!
That's really nice.

What's that?

Ladies and gentlemen,
our PTA chairman, Sally Kellerman.

Welcome to another
school spring fling.

You know spring is
a time of renewal and...

and that's why we're so delighted
to see all you fathers out there

with your second and third wives.

Everybody's a comedian.

Uh, so, without further ado, uh,
our MC for the day, Dylan Nicholson.

Everyone, I'm Dylan
and I'm an alcoholic.

And then, school, I'd like
to introduce to you,

you know 'em,
you love 'em,

Melanie, Jane and Izzie!

Go, Izzie!

So hot, must be 98.

September, that's not so great.

Where the north pole
is turning slush.

On my TV
there's President Bush.

And isn't he moronic?
Don't you think?

Incredibly moronic.

And yet you really do think.

He's a pain,
in the whole world's ass.

He saps them all,
for a gallon of gas.

How can it be,
we voted him in?

I just don't see how
it figures.

The pop star,
who went on TV.

To this whole world,
can't sleep here with me.

Mother says to her son,

Neverland ranch
will be lots of fun.

Isn't it moronic?

That's my daughter.

Don't you think?

That's my daughter.

Technically moronic.
And, yes, I really do think.

It's all lame,
but the dog and the cat.

Too big is small,
till along came your dad.

He won't like them
when they're bigger.

Wasn't that the best?!

Oh, what a voice!

What a voice!
She gets that from me.

- You hurt your face.
- No, no.

I got a chin implant.

Yeah, they say if you extend
your chin, you don't need a face lift.

- Oh, cool.
- Where is she anyway?

- I'm gonna go congratulate her.
- No, no, leave her alone.

See what's going on?

Hey, Izzie.
You want a slushy?

Okay.

See ya.

How did you know
that was gonna happen?

I'm a mom.

Don't get too excited
about him.

Now, what's your problem?

Remember the "This will never
work, he's too young" scene?

Well, eventually you'll hit
the replay button on that one.

So, it might not last.
You could say that about anyone.

Besides, that isn't
what I was looking at.

I liked your song.

You did?

Uh-huh.

I liked when you said
you're an alcoholic.

Do you like... video games?

Sure.

Do you ever play "Ape's Escape"?

No, but...
maybe you could teach me.

Oh, my God! Look at her.

Nothing that could ever
happen to me,

comes close to how happy I am
to see her kiss Dylan and get applause.

Hello?!

Who do you think
set it up this way?

So your body rots.
And your shows are stale.

Look who you're
making room for.

Well, when you put it
like that...

This is good.

Now you can settle down
and act your age.

What's that supposed to mean?
Easy listening, and orthopedic shoes?

That sounds about right.
Yeah.

Nope, I don't wanna do that.
I want to stay passionate.

I-I wanna scream at rock concerts,
and-and get angry at the news.

And I wanna wear miniskirts.

You're gonna look ridiculous.

Yeah. Well, when enough
people are ridiculous,

it starts to look normal.