Original subtitles

CHUCK". a' Telling the truth can be bad news

♪ Telling the truth can be bad news

♪ Telling the truth can be...

LYLE: J' Telling the truth can be good news

(VOCALIZING)

♪ Telling the truth is a bad idea

♪ Telling the truth is a difficult problem

♪ Telling the truth...

♪ Telling the truth is a scary...

♪ Telling the truth is a scary predicament

♪ Telling the truth is a bitter herb

♪ Telling the truth is a dangerous tunnel

♪ When you get out of that tunnel

♪ You've got bitter herbs

♪ It's a black life ahead

CHUCK: Forget "herb." I never heard of a hit that had the word "herb" in it.

♪ Telling the truth is a dangerous...

♪ Dangerous!

♪ Telling the truth can be dangerous

♪ Dangerous...

What?

♪ Danger.-- Telling the truth can be danger..

♪ Telling the truth can be dangerous J' Business

BOTH: J' Telling the truth can be dangerous business

Why?

Why?

Why?

♪ Telling the truth can be dangerous business

♪ Because if yourself you don't know why

Huh?

Well, I'm just giving you what the idea is.

♪ Telling the truth can be dangerous business

♪ If you don't know yourself then you don't know why ♪

Oh! Is that brilliant!

♪ Telling the truth can be dangerous business

♪ Honest and popular don't go hand in hand

♪ If you admit that you can play the accordion

♪ No one will hire you in a rock 'n' roll band

♪ But we can sing our hearts out

♪ Can sing our hearts out

♪ And if we're lucky then no neighbors complain ♪

LYLE: Look at that. Simon and Garfunkel's Greatest Hits.

CHUCK: Lyle, Dangerous Business is as good as anything they ever wrote.

You think so? Sure.

The only thing that Simon & Garfunkel, or Bruce Springsteen,

or any of these guys have that we don't have is an agent.

You think so?

Dangerous Business is as good as Bridge Over Troubled VVater

any day of the week.

You think so?

I'm telling you, if we get an agent, we get a record album.

(PHONE RINGING)

Freed Talent Agency.

Mr. Freed, this is Chuck Clarke of Rogers & Clarke.

Yeah?

We're songwriters and we're looking for an agent.

Yeah.

And we saw your ad in Variety. We're gonna be at The Song Mart next Tuesday.

And we've got a new song we think

is good enough for a record album.

We wondered if you'd have a chance to come down and catch us.

The record album...

No, no, no, no.

It's not called The Record Album.

It's called The Song Mart, sir.

It's basically a try-out place for new material.

(SINGING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(SINGING DANGEROUS BUSINESS)

ANNOUNCER: Okay, okay, okay, that wraps up

another audition night at The Song Mart.

A great bunch tonight. Good luck, kids.

Well, what did you think, Mr. Freed?

As an agent? Yeah.

Let me tell you what I told Tony Bennett,

"Sing songs people already know."

That way, if they don't like it,

they'll still have something to applaud.

But we're not singers.

No, we're songwriters.

(CHUCKLING) So? The Beach Boys weren't songwriters?

Frankly,

you're old, you're white and you got no shtick.

You got no gimmicks.

ANNOUNCER". Auditioning tonight at The Ad Lib for the first time,

please welcome Rogers & Clarke.

(SINGING LITTLE DARLIN')

I don't understand what we did wrong.

Nothing, although I think it'd be a good idea

to change your routine if they boo.

Otherwise, I'm very encouraged.

We don't have another routine to change to.

The thing is, Marty, we've been living off our savings

while we've been working on our act, but we're down to nothing now.

Really? I got good news for you.

What?

I think I can get you a booking.

For money? Absolutely.

Where? Honduras.

The hotel where the American journalists stay in Honduras.

Taxi!

The last act left because they got nervous about the death squads.

But there's no danger if you don't drive in the countryside.

How much? 150 lempiras a week.

That's $75 in American money, that includes room and board.

That's only $37.50 a week for each of us.

Hey, that's right.

You got a good head for figures.

But, Marty... Taxi!

Wait a minute, Marty.

I also can get you 10 weeks in Morocco at 950 dirham a week.

That's $95 in American money.

Unfortunately, I can only get you airfare from the Canary Islands.

I'll call you about it in the morning.

Me, too.

Want me to drop you anywhere?

No, thanks. I'm gonna walk around for a while.

I want to do some thinking.

Me, too.

Well, don't think too long.

A lot of acts would kill for a booking in North Africa.

Lyle, do you mind? I kind of wanna be alone to think.

(HUMMING)

(DOOR OPENING)

Lyle! Is it all right?

It's the only bar in the neighborhood that's open.

Just pretend like I'm not here.

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

What can I get you?

Give me a bourbon and a water, straight up.

Make that two. Don't drink bourbon,

you'll fall flat on your face. Give him a beer.

I'll have a beer.

(SINGING SOFTLY)

You guys know each other?

Yeah, we...

We got a...

We had an act together.

No kidding, would I have seen it?

No, we've only known each other about five months.

Before that, we were just guys

with jobs.

And we wanted to be songwriters.

LYLE: J' Hot fudge love, chocolate covered

♪ Hot fudge love, cherry ripple kisses

♪ Dishes, knishes, trishes

♪ This is, this is, bliss is

Hey, ice-cream truck! Stop!

Stop being so stupid! Stop!

♪ Lip smackin' back slappin'

♪ Perfectly delicious I

No, no.

(CONTINUES SINGING)

What's the matter, honey?

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(SINGING THAT'S AMORE)

I feel like this is a very special part of the evening.

A couple of years ago,

there was a very young gray-haired couple here,

celebrating their 51st wedding anniversary.

And last year, they came...

Sorry. - - - for their 52nd wedding anniversary.

And I told them that if they came back here the following year,

I'd have a song written for them.

And they're back.

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Thomopoulos

celebrating this evening their 53rd wedding anniversary.

Hear, hear!

♪ I promised I'd love you forever

♪ A promise I'm planning to keep

♪ You'll be well taken care of after I've gone

♪ Off to the land of the big sleep

♪ I'm leaving some love in my will

♪ Yes, I'm leaving some love in my will

♪ My life is nearly over

♪ And time goes by so fast

♪ And I wanted to give you a present

♪ To thank you for the past S

(CUTLERY CRASHING)

(SINGING)

I shouldn't have played in here.

It's so demeaning.

Asshole waiters screaming at me like that and taking orders,

people throwing food in their faces.

I love you, Chuck. Thanks.

And I was thinking that if we lived together,

I would just make your life so much easier.

Life isn't that bad, I just have a lot of pain.

Do you love me, Chuck?

Look, Carol, you're a wonderful person.

I mean that. You're a wonderful woman.

I just have to make sure that you're Miss Right.

Don't you wanna make sure that I'm...

Oh, my God.

This guy says he's a songwriter and he loved my song.

He says he wants to buy me a drink.

I'll be right back.

♪ I met her and I fell...

No, cut out "and l."

You want this one.

♪ I met her, fell

♪ I loved her well

♪ She walked out, hell Oh, heartbreak

That's it. Do it again.

Maybe something stronger.

♪ I met her, wham!

♪ I met her, bam! ♪

♪ Software

♪ I'm looking for software

♪ I gotta have software

♪ For my machine I

I got it, I got it.

♪ If you admit that you can play the accordion

♪ No one will hire you in a rock 'n' roll band ♪

Shit, man, when you're on, you're on.

♪ Hello F Hello

♪ Baby I Baby

♪ Love you I Love you

♪ Baby I Baby X

And the way I see it, people would rather suffer with what they have

than try the unknown.

Oh, is that true!

♪ Like crackers from a barrel

♪ That's when the morning... I

That's because most men lead lives of quiet desperation.

Is that right!

♪ They're going to change her name to Carol

♪ Saturday morning The sound of a lawnmower

♪ Touches my heart I

Girls call me "The Hawk." It's a long story, gang war, shit like that.

"The Hawk?"

♪ She said, "Come, look, there's a..."

♪ She said, "Come, look, there's a wardrobe of love in my eyes"

♪ "Take your time, look around and see if there's something your size" ♪

Can you give us another half-hour?

Half an hour? Yeah.

Half an hour? Yeah.

Half an hour like the last half-hour?

We don't get overtime for this.

Hey, wait a second, try this.

♪ Half an hour, half an hour like the last half-hour ♪

(BOTH SINGING)

Where are you going? Stay. CHUCK: We got something.

(CRYING)

Lyle. Lyle, listen to me. She's not worth it.

She didn't understand your sense of dedication.

I'm sorry, just... It comes over me in waves every few minutes.

That's okay. That's all right. I'm sorry.

I don't know what to do now.

I don't know what to do without Willa.

It's okay.

You know, we've been married since we were 17.

I never even dated anybody but Willa.

Oh, Willa.

LYLE: We were happy while I was working in a gas station.

We had a nice little house, a nice little garden.

I'd come home in the evening and write songs.

Willa would... She'd quilt and...

Then the tire factory opened

and overnight the population shot up to about 35,000.

Lyle, can you stand up a second? You're sitting on my tie.

So I said to Willa, I said, "Look, we gotta go to New York

"or Nashville because those are the only two places to be

"if you wanna sell songs."

That's how come we came to New York.

Mmm-hmm.

What a smuck I was.

Schmuck.

It's not "smuck," it's schmuck.

Smuck.

Schmuck.

Smuck.

Say “sh

Now say "muck."

Muck.

Now say "sh" and "muck" together real fast.

Smuck.

Closer.

You really know the lingo.

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)

This is my friend Lyle Rogers. And you are?

Dorothy. And this is my friend Siri Darma.

Lyle, why don't you sneak in here and talk to Siri.

Siri, be careful of this guy. He's got a lot of quick moves.

Don't look at me that way.

You are so fucking beautiful.

You are so beautiful.

Don't kid me.

You probably had every guy in the world telling you you're beautiful

ever since the day you were born.

You are so crazy, Hawk.

Crazy?

I wanna kiss every inch of you, get in a clinch with you.

♪ Break off a pinch of you I

LYLE: You didn't have to leave with me.

Now, I spoiled the night for you.

You gotta give yourself a break.

You've never been out with anyone but your wife.

Yeah, but you gotta have the looks, Chuck.

I mean, you walk into a place like that and girls just want you.

You know, you got that kind of face.

Kind of mean looking, but with character.

And the way you walk, you can only do that with a small body.

Did you ever hear of a big sports car?

I mean, if I looked like you...

You have so idealized me.

I won't stand for it.

I just can't walk out on him.

He cries every 10 minutes, Carol. He's like an orphan.

What are you doing? I'm leaving you.

What are you talking about?

I don't want to see you again, ever.

Carol. What do you care?

If you never see me again,

it'll only be one time less a week than you see me now.

Carol. Your life is a joke.

(SINGING MOURNFULLY)

(PHONE RINGING)

Willa? Willa?

CHUCK: Hello, Lyle.

I'm outside ontheledge of my apartment.

What?

I've been fooling you, Lyle,

and I've been fooling myself.

I don't have any talent. I don't have any money.

LWlneverfind Miss Right and Carol left me.

Lyle, I can't make anything work.

Everything I told you is fake.

It's all make-believe.

I'm a total failure.

Don't move, I'll be right over.

Listen, don't call the police.

If this gets into the newspapers,

the scandal will ruin me in show business.

You got it! I mean it.

I won't call the police.

Lyle!

I won't call the police.

♪ I'm finally on the ledge

♪ I'm finally on the edge of my life

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

♪ When the tears won't even come

♪ When the pain is so big

♪ I'm finally on the edge of my... ♪

(BANGING ON DCDOR) POLICEMAN: Mr. Clarke? Takeiteasy.

Damn it!

Take it easy. Take it easy.

How you doing, Mr. Clarke?

Come on in, Mr. Clarke. Make your phone call in here.

Oh, no!

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING ON POLICE RADIO)

Hey! Excuse me!

Get over here. Hey! Hold it! Captain!

Don't you think Daddy doesn't feel blue

and I don't feel blue sometimes,

but I know that tomorrow is another day.

And the sun will come out tomorrow.

(SINGS)

POLICEMAN: Hold it, pal. Who are you?

Lyle Rogers. I'm his best friend.

FATHER: Mr. Rogers, have you any idea how lucky this boy is?

He didn't want to live with us in Queens.

Come on, don't turn away from Mama. Come on.

ONLOOKER: There's another one! Look!

POLICEMAN: Give me your hand. Give me your hand.

LYLE: Hold on, Hawk, I'm coming.

Don't come any closer, Lyle. And don't call me Hawk.

I told you not to tell anyone.

I know, but I was scared I couldn't get here on time.

Don't be mad at me, Chuck. RABBI: Charles.

It's Rabbi Pierce, Charles.

Oh, my God, Rabbi Pierce is here.

Charles, you remember Rabbi Pierce.

Chuck, I know how bad you feel,

but there's people in this world worse off than you.

Poor people, sick people.

People who haven't got anybody to go out on a ledge for them.

Come on, give me your hand.

Come on, Chuck.

Take a little step here.

Take a step.

Take a couple steppies. Come on.

A couple little steppies. Attaboy.

Okay-

Okay. All right.

Lyle. Yeah?

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) Easy!

Lyle. Uh-huh?

Are you disappointed in me?

No.

No, I mean because I'm not the kind of guy that you thought I was.

You are the kind of guy I thought you were.

I'm not, Lyle.

I lived with my parents till I was 32.

I've just dribbled my life away.

Hey, it takes a lot of nerve to have nothing at your age.

Don't you understand that?

Yeah, most guys would be ashamed,

but you've got the guts to just say,

"To hell with it."

You say that you'd rather have nothing than settle for less.

Understand?

I've never thought of it that way.

Yes.

On, Lyle.

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

(HUMMING)

Lyle.

What do you say we get this show on the road?

Honduras?

Morocco. It's safer.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Professor. Professor Barnes!

BARNES: Are you absolutely certain that this is a map of Ishtar?

I'm positive.

I am proficient in 7th-century Kufic. This map is incredible.

It speaks of a time of upheaval when two messengers

will appear in Ishtar.

And through them, the poor and lonely will rise up,

and the mighty will be humbled.

It's uncanny, isn't it? It speaks of two messengers.

And now we two have found it, just as it foretold.

Oh, don't be a fool, Omar.

Please. We found a map

which could start a holy war

that would enflame the entire Middle East.

Ishtar is on the brink of revolution now.

(METAL CLINKING)

(VVHISPERING) There's someone outside the tent.

Take it.

Hide it.

(GUN FIRES)

(ALL CLAMORING)

(GUNS FIRING)

I have hidden it, Shirra. I can't tell you where over the phone.

I will meet you. When'?

Omar?

Omar?

You will not find it.

Now no one will find it

except the two messengers of God.

(CHUCK AND LYLE SINGING) ♪ Hello, romance

♪ Hello, adventure

♪ I'm having the time of my life

♪ It's the most fun I've had so far

♪ Hello, Morocco

♪ You're more than a country

♪ You're even a state of mind ♪

I need a pencil.

STEWARDESS: Ladies and gentlemen,

all passengers holding tickets for Morocco,

please consult your Air Canary agent inside the terminal.

We are about to begin the descent into Ishtar.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Coming here is gonna change our lives, you know?

Excuse me, I'm an American. Just let me ask you one question.

I'll find an Air Canary agent. You watch the luggage.

Okay, see if you can get some coffee.

Ask how much it is before you pay for it.

All right.

ANNOUNCER OVER PA: Attention. Attention.

A military curfew is in effect throughout Ishtar.

All persons on the streets after dark are subject to search and arrest.

(SINGING)

Please help me.

Look, I'm with someone. She's in the bathroom.

I beg you. I'm in desperate need.

Well, look... I'm...

Really, I'm very flattered, but I'm straight.

I'm not proud of it and I'm not ashamed of it.

I mean, I respect your way of life, but... ltjust isn't mine.

That doesn't mean that mine is any better or any worse...

Look at what you have.

I am a woman.

Yes.

I beg you to do me a favor.

You look like a man who's not afraid of adventure.

Perhaps even welcomes it.

Your life is in danger, right?

Yes. How did you know?

I am a dead woman if I'm recognized

and I must get to Marrakech today.

You want my passport, right? Yes.

And your jacket.

And the contents ofyoursuflcase in exchange for mine.

İt means my life.

You see,

the thing is, I gotta be in Marrakech by Saturday.

Today's Friday.

The American embassy will issue you

another passport in a few hours.

I will meet you tonight in Marrakesh.

Look, let me just check this out with someone.

No! Above all, you must tell no one of this. No one.

Not even your wife.

I'm not married.

What is your name?

Hawk. It's short for The Hawk.

There was a little incident with a gang, you know, a lucky shot...

The name just stuck.

The Hawk.

İt is a very bold name.

A brave name.

But perhaps this is too much to ask,

even of a man with so brave a name.

Is it?

Does The Hawk fly?

(HUMMING)

Chuck?

Chuck!

Hi. Hi, how are you?

What'd you do, go shopping?

No, I... Oh, yeah.

No kidding. Nice jacket.

Now, see, I'd look like a truck in that jacket.

Listen...

(SIGHS)

What? My passport's gone.

What? But don't get panicky.

I lost my passport. But we'll report it to the embassy,

I'll get another one right away. It's no big deal.

ANNOUNCER OVER PA". Attention. Attention. A military curfew is in effect...

Not on Friday and not in Ishtar.

You're lucky the planes are flying.

This country's on the brink of civil war.

LYLE:No,no! This is it! This is the end!

Calm down, Lyle.

We're gonna lose our booking.

We're gonna be canceled. We're gonna be fired.

We're gonna be stuck here in Ishtar with no money, no job!

Oh, my God, what have I done? I don't believe me!

It was just an accident.

Lyle, you gotta go to Marrakech without me.

Who, me? Yeah.

You gotta do a single until I get there. A what?

A single. We were hired as a team.

Yes, but now they don't have anyone.

One of us is better than nothing.

Lyle, you can do it. Sing Simon & Garfunkel. You're a big talent.

Please don't make me responsible for ruining our careers.

I can't handle it.

Lyle, we're almost broke.

ANNOUNCER: All persons on the streets after dark

are subject to search and arrest.

(MAN ANNOUNCING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

CHUCK: How much is it? Twenty hundred klimsas.

Twenty hundred? Yeah.

How can it be twenty hundred...

Twenty hundred klimsas.

Okay, that's 1,500, right? I'm not gonna have enough.

Thousand five hundred and fifty, 60, 70, 80, 90...

Sixteen hundred. 1,610, 20...

Welcome, sir.

That's all right. I'll take my own bag.

Please let me get my own bag. No problem.

How about the tip?

I don't have it.

Please let me get my own bag!

Please, can I get my own bag, because...

Oh, God! What have I done?

Hi. Yeah.

How are you doing? I'm Jim Harrison.

I heard there was another American in the hotel,

I thought I'd buy you dinner.

I'm from New York. Me, too.

Yeah? Yeah, great.

Great meeting you. I'm starved.

You see, Jim, all the big record companies wanna sign us for an album,

but right now, we're just refining our songs, you know?

So we don't get ripped off by people like Simon & Garfunkel

and, you know, Springsteen.

So we do it in Morocco.

Then it's ours.

You know, you're the first guy in show business I've met over here.

Do me a favor. Do me a favor.

Do an autograph for my kid.

Here. Come on.

Yeah, sure.

Just write "To Jim."

Yeah.

I really appreciate it.

Sure. My pleasure.

Jim? Yeah.

That's a nice pen. Keep it.

No,no,no,you“.

Keep it. Go ahead.

Keep it, keep it!

You can buy me a drink when I get to Morocco.

So, what are you doing here, Jim?

I'm with the CIA.

Interesting work? It's okay.

It's a little rough right now because

the communists are trying to instigate a coup

against the Emir and take over Ishtar.

Why?

That's how it works.

Today they get Ishtar, tomorrow they get North Africa.

Why?

That's how it works.

Every once in a while, an American comes over,

and we ask him to keep his eyes and ears open for us

and we pay him a little something.

You'd be surprised how many harmless conversations

are really the first step toward recruiting agents

for left-wing organizations.

A guy comes up to you and he starts talking

about poverty and injustice in Ishtar.

And there is poverty and injustice in Ishtar.

Of course.

He could be sincere. He could be saying exactly what he means...

Sure. Or he could be feeling you out.

That's right. That's right. Right.

To see if he can dupe you into becoming an agent

for a so-called "people's movement."

(LAUGHING)

So when you say that you pay them a little something?

$150 a week. It's not much,

but you can't really put a price on democracy.

No. No.

Although $150 a week is a start.

(CHUCKLES)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

And now, from the team of Rogers & Clarke,

Rogers!

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you, thank you.

I'd like to sing a few songs tonight

from the Simon & Garfunkel songbook.

Hey, I'm glad you like them, too.

So you just call out your favorite Simon & Garfunkel songs and...

Fascination.

That Old Black Magic.

That's Amore.

The Yellow Rose of Texas.

Memories.

Y.M.C.A.

Thank you very much. Now, see if you remember this one.

(SINGING BRIDGE OVER TROUBLED WATER)

MAN 1: As Time Goes By.

MAN 2: This guy keeps on playing.

WOMAN 1: What about That's Amore?

Yeah!

WOMAN 2". That's Amore.

(SINGING THAT'S AMORE)

(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)

(BOTH SINGING)

(SINGING STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT)

(SINGING THERE'S NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS)

Ladies and gentlemen, Lyle Rogers!

Thank you, I'm Chuck Clarke.

How did you get here? It's not Monday.

I met this guy in Ishtar who had pull at the embassy.

Lyle, listen to that hand! We're a hit!

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

lam Ahmad bin Ali. I'm the Caid of Assari.

İt was I that called out for the Yellow Rose of Texas.

Perhaps you would care to entertain at my worthless palace.

WOMAN: I just loved you. Thank you. Thank you.

I bet we could have any woman in this club.

Not me. Women don't like me.

Maybe I'll just go to sleep now, I don't know.

Yeah, why don't you get some sleep?

I think I'm gonna drive around for a while,

try to come down off this high.

Tomorrow night, we'll sing our songs.

(HUMMING)

Hold it, buddy!

LYLE: All right, pal. What do you think you're doing?

What is that? What have you got?

You're the guy who stole Chuck's passport.

I found it.

Then when I asked around, I was told that the owner was staying here.

What do you think I am, boy? A fool?

Don't try it, don't try it! I'll kill you in a fight.

Boy, you're soft, pal. You are soft.

I'm telling the truth.

You think I'm a big, dumb hick American, don't you?

Now I'm gonna turn you over to the police, boy!

They'll put me in jail. My family will starve.

Don't hand me that crap. I don't believe a word of it...

(MOANS)

Oh, my God.

Get away from me, boy. Get away. Stay back. Stay back!

I'm warning you.

(GRUNTS)

Now, I didn't hit you hard because I'm bigger than you are,

but don't try it again.

How old are you, 15? What, your voice is still changing.

You're just a kid.

What kind Of life is this,

breaking into hotel rooms, robbing people,

kissing guys on the mouth?

Don't you think you ought to be trying something younger?

Yes, but poverty has made me old.

I don't have a lot of cash, but why don't you take this?

And buy yourself something that's fun.

Get yourself a nice kite or a fishing pole.

Did your daddy ever take you fishing?

My father is dead.

I have no one to protect me.

That's tough for a boy, not having a father.

Here, get up. Listen to me.

Your roommate is a CIA agent. The room may be wired.

He gave me his passport in Ishtar.

Are these breasts? Listen to me.

You have seen Ishtar, you have see the poverty,

the injustice, the death squads.

These are the things the CIA supports

by keeping Emir Yousef in power.

For God's sake!

Forget my body.

I am begging you to give me the chance to overthrow a tyrant.

Please.

You are kind.

The privation and torture of thousands can end

if you will return the contents of my suitcase to me.

Where are they?

In there.

I gave them to your roommate when we exchanged jackets.

No,no,no, you got that all wrong.

Chuck bought thatjacket and he lost his passport.

And he's not a CIA agent, he's a songwriter.

Yes, then why am I wearing his jacket?

Look at it, it is his jacket.

Where did I get his passport?

How did he get to Morocco in only 24 hours?

Why is he accepting money from the CIA?

Boy, you got a lot of tricks, don't you?

First you're a guy and you got Chuck's passport.

Then you're a girl and you got his jacket.

(LOW WHISTLING)

That is a warning. I beg you, say nothing of this visit.

İt means my life.

If you decide I'm telling the truth,

go to the camel market in Shali Benimal.

Shali Benimal?

And find Mohamad. Mohamad.

Tell him that you wish to buy a blind camel.

A blind camel. He will contact me.

Contact you?

The dome of the Emir's palace in Ishtar is gold.

The people have never seen a refrigerator.

Shali Benimal. Ask for Mohamad.

Tell him lwanna buy a blind camel.

A blind camel.

Good evening, sir.

CHUCK: I'm sorry. I turned left on Mukamal Haifa Boulevard,

but I ended up on...

It's only been an hour, it's all right.

I'm sorry.

Tens, fives, ones. As you requested.

1-5-O.

I feel a little funny not telling Lyle about this.

You know what I mean?

Where do I say I got the money from?

Don't tell him about the money.

I would never hold out on Lyle.

You're holding out on him now.

You didn't tell him you were coming to this meeting.

You told him you were going for a drive.

Well, yeah, that's because...

How do you know what I told him?

The pen.

What, this pen?

It's a microphone.

You bugged me? Yeah.

I had to, Chuck.

We had to make sure you didn't know what was involved

when you helped Shirra Assel get out of Ishtar.

Shirra? Assel?

Chuck.

Shirra Assel arrived in Marrakech last night using your passport.

Please, don't deny it.

Miss Assel is a left-wing agent.

Her brother was killed three days ago when he found a map

that could destabilize the entire Middle East.

İt could certainly cost us Ishtar

and we can't afford that, Chuck,

especially since Morocco signed a pact with Gaddafi.

Is that near here?

Gaddafi's a person. He rules Libya.

Oh, yeah.

But that's near here, isn't it?

Libya?

Yeah, Libya's near here. Yeah.

Every intelligence agency that has ties to the Middle East

is interested in this map.

We strongly believe that Shirra Assel has it,

and we've got to find her quickly before they do.

Here's the thing, Jim. I don't know where she is.

I believe you, Chuck, I believe you.

But we think your roommate does.

Lyle? Rogers?

Yes. We have reason to believe that Lyle Rogers is a left-wing agent.

Jim, get off this road. You're heading straight for wa-wa land.

(WHISTLES)

Chuck, while I was waiting for you here,

Shirra Assel was spotted leaving your hotel room.

When she left, her clothes were torn, her shirt was out,

she was breathing heavily.

We feel fairly certain that there was a sexual encounter

between Shirra Assel and Lyle.

And that Lyle was recruited as a left-wing agent when they...

Don't be silly. Lyle's not a communist. He's from the South.

And I don't think she's that kind of girl.

She's a suspected terrorist.

Granted, but that doesn't mean she sleeps around.

And how come you don't know what happened in that hotel room?

Why didn't you bug it?

We couldn't. Why?

Who booked you in there, anyway?

Our hotel? Yeah.

Marty Freed, our agent.

Marty Freed, independentagent

What do you know about him?

What do you know about Mr. Freed?

Here's the money. I don't think I wanna do this.

You just think it over, you decide what you wanna tell me.

Here's a beeper.

You can get in touch with me just by using that.

It's solid silver.

Well, I'm not gonna be using...

Solid silver?

(ROOSTER CROWING)

I go to the camel market in Shali Benimal, I ask for Mohamad

and tell him I wanna buy a blind camel.

(CAR ENGINE STARTING) He will contact her.

I go to the camel market in Shali Benimal, ask for Mohamad

and tell him I wanna buy a blind camel.

He will contact her.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(CAR TIRES SCREECHING)

(CARS CRASHING)

Hi. Hi.

I was...

I was wondering who lived here.

You ever wonder that about old houses? VVho lives in them?

I was just coming back to get you.

Oh, I just ran out to get you.

I was going for a walk.

I thought you wanted to take the car because the keys were gone.

Well, let's...

Let's walk.

CHUCK: It's funny, isn't it?

You never appreciate your own country till you leave it.

Where'd you g0?

Just looking.

I'm talking to you.

I hear you.

You know that in Russia communists can't go into business.

Did you know that in Ishtar the dome of the Emir's palace is gold?

And the people have never seen a refrigerator?

Did you know that Gaddafi has signed a pact with Morocco?

I can't believe these men may control the fate of the Middle East.

And I'll tell you another thing.

Spices for the mind? No.

Kif? Hashish? No thanks.

Hashish?

Good stuff, yes.

No, no thanks.

Need a guide? I'm Abdul. Whatever you think it's worth.

No, thanks.

I have a sister in the United States.

You know Philadelphia? Think we're turning here.

ABDUL: You need a guide? Whatever you think it's worth.

This is the old city. Don't look at the shopkeepers!

Don't advise us. We don't want to be advised.

We're not paying you, okay?

My uncle sells rugs in the next souk.

I can get you a price.

Don't hustle me. I'm from New York. I'm in show business.

The KGB is here. I recognize two agents.

The ones dressed as Texans?

No.

The ones dressed as Arabs.

The ones dressed as Texans are Arab agents.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

I also recognize two guys from Turkish intelligence.

In the Hawaiian shirts?

No, Bermuda shorts.

The ones in the Hawaiian shirts are tourists.

It's too bad you don't have a girl.

These would make such nice presents.

Yeah?

Who you gonna give yours to?

My mother.

25 dirham more.

Too bad you can't afford something better for your mother.

You ought to try socking some money away.

Behave normally. We have guns pointed at your back.

No, don't put your hands up, you idiot!

Walk out casually talking to us. Come on.

Red-Fez-Alert. Birds are being netted. Hunters unknown.

Repeat, hunters unknown.

Where are you from?

Ponder, Texas.

I'm from near there. You know Vermont?

(EXCLAIMS)

You all right?

(GUN FIRES)

Come on!

Coming through. Excuse me.

We're coming through.

This is the residential section.

You're hired!

You get us out of here alive, you'll get double your price.

Whatever you think it's worth.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Oh, my God!

This is the shop of my uncle, the rug dealer.

Let's go.

(ALL CLAMORING)

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Come, my friends. Quickly, this way.

When they find out you are not in rugs, they may come back.

Go! Quickly! Go, go!

Abdul, hold my legs!

My car is parked at the other end of the medina.

Come on, come on, hurry!

Where are we going?

The camel market, Shali Benimal!

ANNOUNCER: Attention. Attention.

A military curfew is in effect throughout Ishtar.

All persons on the streets after dark

are subject to search and arrest.

(ANNOUNCING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Jim Harrison.

Your Excellency.

My old friend. Good to see you.

How nice to see you. Good to see you.

Mint tea? No, thanks.

Kahwa? No, thanks.

Pepsi-Cola? No.

Thanks for your overwhelming hospitality.

Please be seated.

I've got a helicopter waiting. May I speak briskly?

Oh, please.

A little while ago,

your men tried to kill two Americans in Marrakesh.

What? lam shocked and saddened. VVho were they?

They were your men.

They were using the Kalashnikov rifles we sold you.

No, no, I mean, who were the Americans?

Your Excellency, must we go through this?

These men are pawns.

Their only use is as a link to Shirra Assel and the map.

Jim, I know nothing of any of this.

However, when two Americans on their way to Marrakech

arrive in Ishtar by way of Air Canary

and within minutes

make contact with the most hunted fugitive in the country

and give her a passport, I would hardly call them pawns.

They're pawns.

Soon, their escape will be called a miracle!

Next, they will be hailed as the two messengers of God.

Your Excellency...

You do not understand.

Please, be seated.

What you are dealing with here,

these are fanatical devout Shiites

for whom this map is a sign to rise up against me.

Your Excellency.

May I speak?

Please.

Your Excellency, what good will it do

if we neutralize these two Americans?

The map will still exist.

Yes, but they won't.

I see.

Once the people see that God does not work miracles

for those who oppose me

but that they are executed as ordinary political prisoners...

No. If two Americans die,

it has to be unofficially.

Congress will have a fit if they find out there's another CIA hit list.

How they die is unimportant,

as long as their bodies do not disappear, I want no more rumors.

And it has to be done by next weekend.

The United States government will not be blackmailed.

However, I see no difficulty in meeting your timetable.

ABDUL: Here we are. Camel market. Shali Benimal.

I'll be back in a while.

All right, I'll be here.

Where are you going?

I wanna keep an eye on him, make sure he doesn't get into trouble.

(CAMELS BELLOWING)

CHUCK: Sorry. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

(MAN SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Sorry, I can't talk that. Excuse me, is this a hotel?

Mohamad?

I am Mohamad. I am Mohamad.

You're kidding? You're Mohamad?

First time up, I hit a home run.

I wanna buy a blind camel.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

I'm American. Do you speak English?

Enghsh? Enghsh?

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

lam speaking English. You tell me, I tell him.

Thank you. Would you tell him I want to buy a blind camel?

(ALL WHISPERING)

A blind camel.

He will find you a blind camel.

He also knows of a camel which has a crippled leg and no teeth.

He will sell you both for a special price.

Would you like a dead camel?

No, no. Just tell him I wanna buy a blind camel.

He'll know what I mean.

(DOOR BANGS)

So your friend told you about Mohamad

and you, no doubt, told the CIA.

That's what I thought might happen.

I've been looking for you. Why?

Is your life in danger again? What do you need this time, a donor heart?

I want the contents of my suitcase.

Sure. Here.

It's in my room at the Chez Casablanca. Help yourself.

Don't play with me. I'm not such a fool!

Half an hour after you left this morning, I broke into your room

and I stole the suitcase. The map was not in it.

Is that where the map was?

Gave it to Jim Harrison, didn't you? CIA has it?

No, I didn't tell them about the suitcase.

You're lying. You went through the suitcase,

you found the map! You found the map! You gave it to Jim Harrison!

Hey, shoot me or lower your voice

and stop throwing Jim Harrison up to me.

The only reason Jim Harrison hired me

was because you recruited Lyle as a communist.

I gave you my passport. I carried all your stuff out of Ishtar.

Why didn't you recruit me as a communist? Wasn't I good enough?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, forget it. What's done is done.

Lyle is your communist, so go bother him. I don't care anymore.

Can you be telling the truth?

Hey, you have a right to pick who you want.

It's a free country. No thanks to you and Lyle.

My God.

Oh, my God.

You are telling the truth.

Listen to me. Hey, don't sit on the bed.

It's too late for that now.

The things in that suitcase, they came from my brother's room.

I packed them the night he was killed.

He called me on the phone.

I knew from what he said on the phone that he had hidden the map

somewhere in his things.

I grabbed them all, I put them in his suitcase

and I put on his clothes

so I would look like a boy

and I ran.

I was hunted almost from the start.

I never even had a chance to look through the things I had packed.

When I met you at the airport, you were my last hope.

Gee, I wish there was something I could do.

There is. Please tell no one I don't have the map.

İt means my life.

That means your life, too?

I am a member of the party that opposes the Emir.

It means the life of anyone in Ishtar.

Without the map, I'll be killed on sight.

No kidding? Does the CIA know this?

Hawk,

this is an ancient, devious world,

and you come from a young country.

Promise me you will keep my secret

without trying to understand it?

Sure. If it means your life.

Perhaps...

Maybe one day we will meet again.

One day? Are you kidding? We'll meet every day.

It's only the beginning.

You're a true American.

I knew you were a nice girl.

Chuck? Hi.

I bought a few things. Here's a hand-dyed Tuareg gown here.

This is a keffiyeh, like this is a keffiyeh,

and here is a red scarf I got for practically nothing.

What are you doing with a camel?

That's a long story. He's another one of the things I bought.

What do you mean? Well...

You bought a camel? Well, yeah...

Well, no, I didn't actually buy him, they sold him to me.

(GRUNTS)

Come on, buddy. Easy, boy. Easy, boy.

What the hell's the matter with him? Is he blind?

Well, yeah, he is, but he's in perfect condition.

They used him for drawing well water up a track.

Lyle, are you crazy?

I'm not supposed to have him permanently, I don't think. It's just...

I think it's, kind of, a sign.

Lyle, get rid of the camel, let's get you out of the sun.

Well, the sun can't hurt me, I got my keffiyeh.

Oh, God. I got a feeling something went wrong

and now I own a blind camel.

Lyle. I own a blind camel.

Lyle, put this over your face. Keep your head down.

Keep walking and don't talk loud.

Why? What's the matter?

(WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)

What are they doing here?

I think they're looking for us.

I think you're right. Give me that scarf.

Okay-

Take it behind the hump and put it on.

Hold her steady.

I can't hold her too tight because it hurts her tooth.

Loosentherope. Loosentherope. Don't let her scream.

Yeah, okay.

You all right?

Are you all right?

Yeah, fine.

Here, take this gown

and take it behind that building there and put it on.

The guy that sold you that camel has probably

described you down to your socks.

Give me the rope.

You gotta hold it down. He doesn't like it when you hold it up.

He's got a bad tooth.

Will you go?

How much for the camel?

Jim!

Keep your voice down. Point at the camel as we speak.

How did you find us?

The beeper.

You mean this thing is a bug, too?

Only at close range. We use it basically to track with.

The men in straw hats are members of Emir Yousef's army.

They're trying to kill you.

I thought Emir Yousef was our guy?

He is. He is,

but he doesn't like the idea of your friend

dealing with a known communist. Oh!

(BELLOWING)

Don't touch his mouth. One of his teeth is bad.

Jim, I'd like to go over the Shirra Assel situation with you.

As one agent to another, I've heard the Emir is a prick.

Really? Well, we'll have to look into that.

But the main thing is to get you out of town before you're recognized.

Do you know anything about the desert?

Yeah. That's where Las Vegas is. Cute, huh?

That is cute, yeah. "That's where Las Vegas is."

That's a good one. I'll have to remember that.

You can stop pointing now.

Stand up.

There's two canteens and a compass in here.

Two canteens, compass.

You and Lyle walk out of town, walk southeast.

Southeast.

In a couple of hours, you'll run into the Harridan oasis.

Harridan oasis.

How do we know...

You'll know it. You can't miss it.

We'll pick you up there. Move the camel.

Move the camel.

The camel. Move the camel.

Move the camel. Where?

Anywhere. He's on my foot.

Oh.

Sorry.

What the hell's the matter with that camel? Is he blind?

Yeah.

Jim, I'd like to go over these directions with you once more

before Lyle comes back.

SHIRRA: He promised he would say nothing. He gave me his word.

And 20 minutes later, Jim Harrison appeared here?

Shirra, we have no choice.

It is a pity you told him we don't have the map, but you did.

If he talks, we'll all be dead by tomorrow. And our families.

Shirra, do you dare risk all our lives for them?

No.

It is terrible to send two men into the desert to die.

No, it is better to kill two men than 200.

But it is much harder.

SHIRRA: Do not turn around. Take these.

Give me the cloth. I'll wrap it around your head as we speak.

Your life is in danger.

Take your friend and start walking into the desert.

Drop the beads as you go.

When you cannot see the town anymore, stop.

Wait until night and then follow the beads back.

They are golamine beads. They glow in the dark.

Could I have a map instead?

There is no map of the desert.

Everyone uses golamine beads.

How do you know they'll stay there? What about birds and wind?

The birds in the desert eat only flesh and there is no wind.

Will you still be here when we get back?

Yes, I will be here. Go quickly, now.

I think about you all the time.

Sometimes I imagine you dressed like a girl.

We're walking along...

We'll talk about it tonight.

Go now.

It is done.

(CAMEL BELLOWING)

How come you're dropping beads? Huh?

How come you're dropping beads? Your necklace is too heavy?

No, I'm making a trail. That's what they do when they come out here.

They drop these beads, and then, when it gets dark, they shine

and they can follow them all the way back to town.

What if they want to just go forward?

Oh, well, then the beads don't help.

So I guess it's a good idea that I bought a compass.

You bought a compass? Yeah.

When? When I got the canteens.

You bought canteens? Yeah.

Take one sip at a time.

That water has to last you about another 48 minutes.

Why? What happens in 48 minutes?

We run out of water.

No, seriously, though,

I hear there's an oasis

about an hour and a half outside of Shali Benimal. Come on.

I don't think it's smart to keep walking out here in the desert.

We'll be there in a minute. If you're tired, ride the camel.

Ride it?

How do I get up on it?

Here, I'll give you a boost.

(LYLE SCREAMS)

CHUCK: This way, boy! This way, boy!

This way, boy! This way!

AGENT: How long before they're inoperative?

JIM: Well, they're going southeast, so the sun's gonna get stronger.

By tonight, they'll be out of water, miles from the well.

Tomorrow morning, they should stop moving.

And by tomorrow afternoon, they should be dead.

That's a funny pattern. Are they drunk?

No, the camel's blind.

You're kidding?

No.

I can't understand.

We should've hit that oasis seven minutes ago.

I can't even see the town anymore.

No, we can't stop now. We're gonna hit it any minute.

Come on, now. Come on.

We'll be there in minutes. I really got to stop.

VVant some water? Let me give you a little water.

Wait, wait. What's the matter?

It's... What's the matter?

It's hot today.

Chuck!

Chuck!

What happened?

Hold on, Hawk! Hold on! I'm coming.

(VULTURE SCREECHING)

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Chuck! Chuck, get up!

No,no,no,no! No, no, no! Not dead. Just resting!

(SHOOING)

Bad bird! Bad! Bad! Bad!

Oh, no.

Hawk, hold on, I'm coming.

Are you crazy? I'm moving.

Hawk.

Just wait a minute. Here. Justdfink a little bit of this.

Don't spill it, Hawk. Don't spill it.

Come on, that's it. All right. Okay.

Is this the oasis?

Does this look like an oasis to you?

Yeah. Look at the birds.

Are those vultures?

Yeah. You fainted.

They thought you were dead.

You mean they're here on spec?

Yeah.

I think it's very important not to let yourself

get too run down when you come out here.

We just can't afford to walk around looking for an oasis.

Do you understand?

I don't understand it. It was just an hour and a half

outside of Shali Benimal.

You can't miss it.

Who told you that?

Who told you that?

I can't remember. Uh-huh.

Well, we missed it. So here's to my beads.

VVait, wait, wait, wait. Are you crazy? That's our only water.

So what? We're gonna be back in Shali Benimal in a little while.

It's gonna be night. You don't need water at night.

Lyle. Lyle, are you sure it's safe to count on a lot of beads in the desert

for a trail? Yeah.

What if there's a big wind?

There is no wind in the desert.

Who told you that?

I can't remember.

Oh.

I see.

To the beads.

To the beads.

(ALL SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

We will leave for Ishtar tomorrow morning,

and you are coming with us, Professor.

Hasad and I will take over the transmitter

and we'll broadcast as the two messengers of God

and promise the Shiites that if they rise up,

the Emir will fall as prophesied.

I see.

You will be there to verify it.

It'll be rather difficult to do without the map, won't it?

By the time we are asked to produce it, Ishtar will be ours.

You'll be slaughtered.

A few hundred guerrillas and a mob of angry Shiites

against an army trained and equipped by the Americans?

You underestimate us, Professor.

We have a network of mercenaries, tribesmen,

all starting for Ishtar tonight.

Armed?

The desert is filled with dealers in black-market arms.

They will be armed.

Well, you appear to have thought of everything.

Except the possibility that the two Americans will survive

and let out that you don't have the map.

I have thought of that, too.

That is why I put a price of 20,000 dirham on their heads this afternoon.

If they survive the desert, they will not survive that.

You are a murderer.

And what are you?

Or do you think a bullet is crueler than what they face now?

It's getting nippy-

I don't see any beads shining, do you?

Well, it isn't dark yet.

(CAMEL BELLOWING)

Oh, my God! What?

We're gonna miss our show! Oh, no!

Oh, yes! Yes!

Shit!

Yes. Well, well, well.

That is it, isn't it?

Now we're gonna get blackballed at the Chez Casablanca.

We're never gonna work in Morocco again.

They're gonna call Marty, word's gonna get out.

We will never get another booking. What have you done?

What have I done? You're blaming me?

Yes, lam!

On me?

On you! You're a spy.

That's how come everybody's trying to kill us.

This is a joke.

You think those guys are after us because they think I'm a spy, huh?

Those guys are after us because they think

that you know where Shirra Assel's map is!

Who is Shirra Assel Smap?

Come on!

Don't play sucker games with me!

You're not selling watered-down gas to some schmuck in Ponder, Texas!

This is the Hawk talking! What?

You think I don't know that you spent a half-hour

with Shirra Assel in our hotel room?

Oh, is she the guy with yourjacket and your passport

that you told me you lost in Ishtar?

Yeah. And I suppose you don't know what her name is?

I don't.

And you don't know about the map?

What map? "What map?"

The map that could lose us Ishtar

and enflame the whole Middle East.

Well, that's your department. You're the guy taking money from the CIA.

That money is for us.

That money is for the...

The money's for us? Well, I don't want it!

I don't think it's right to take money

for keeping a guy like the Emir of Ishtar in power.

He's a bad guy.

Oh, knock it off. Brown-nosing the commies won't get you my girl.

Your girl? How did she get to be your girl?

Let me tell you something!

If she's anybody's girl, it's the guy you're sitting in back of!

(LAUGHING)

You poor putz!

Don't you have any sense of reality?

Do you really think you can get a girl away from...

What are you crying about?

Cry?

Was I too tough on you?

I'm not crying!

A piece of sand blew in my eye!

Cry? You don't get it. She likes me.

She gave me the golamine beads. She told...

A piece of sand blew in my eye?

What does this mean?

This must be one of them once-in-a-lifetime things,

like the glaciers melting.

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

CHUCK: This way, boy. This way.

LYLE: Easy, fella. Easy.

This way!

(BOTH SHOUTING)

LYLE: Easy, fella. Easy.

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

CHUCK: Oh, this son of a bitch! Now he's tired.

My hips are locked.

CHUCK: Don't do that. Hey.

Don't wipe your face with that.

The dye's coming off on your skin.

Who's gonna see me?

That's not the point.

Dye is carcinogenic.

You're right.

(SOFTLY) Lyle.

It's gonna be a scorcher.

Lyle, Lyle. Look. Look.

Get down.

LYLE: Could that be a mirage?

We both see it. How could it be a mirage?

You're right.

Lyle.

Lyle, go down to that truck and try to get us some water.

But be careful, because they may be looking for us.

So act like an Arab. Are you listening to me?

And whatever you do, don't talk.

How can I ask for water?

Use hand gestures. Beinvenfive.

You do it.

I can't. Look how I'm dressed.

Lyle, what is the big deal? Go on, you're just gonna ask for some water.

We lost our canteens. Attaboy! Attaboy.

Hey, you!

You, on the top!

Yeah! Are you the auctioneer?

Are you the auctioneer?

Yes.

You understand English?

Do you understand English?

Yes.

Great. We're in business.

Two Kalashnikovs.

Right.

These babies should bring us a pretty good price.

We start soon, huh, yes?

ENGLISH GUNRUNNER: Here's our boy.

His name is Hakir.

Thank God you're here.

Listen, Hakir.

These Berbers are all from different tribes with different dialects.

They don't understand Arabic or each other. We don't understand them.

I hope to God you do.

Yes.

I understand all Berber dialects.

Oh. Very good.

Now, we pay you 200 dirham for the job. One hundred now and 100 later.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

Hakir.

(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

This is not Arabic.

I speak no Arabic. lam a Berber from the north of here.

Early on, I was sent by my tribe to trade with other tribes

the delft of our hills.

There, I learned from each tribe his dialect.

And where did you learn English?

We had much delft.

Even as you come here to trade, my sahkaro sent me there.

You know Philadelphia?

LYLE: All right, go on, then.

Hakir, we want you to close your eyes

and put your hands by your side,

and tell these men that their camels have been stolen.

Hmm?

Pardon, I don't...

With your eyes closed, and no gestures of any kind,

tell this bunch, on the other side of the truck,

you saw their camels being stolen, huh?

Do it! Surely.

What was I supposed to say again?

Do it.

(SCREAMING)

Oh, come on!

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

They understood something.

They understood everything.

Some say, "Oh, my God. What?"

Still others say, "But I just saw my camel. He was fine."

And still others say, "What did he say?"

I'm sorry, old man, but a translator who speaks all Berber dialects

and English but no Arabic?

I don't believe it. This man is a fake.

Oh, no.

Well, they don't seem to think so.

Hakir, look.

Tell these wallahs that our weapons

come straight from the Saharawi desert.

Tell them the Americans give the lshtari new weapons,

but these are better because they've already been tested in battle.

Keep hitting the used-is-better-than-new idea.

Used is better than new.

Yeah. They'll buy it. Go on, sell them.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

They say they could hardly believe their ears.

Do you really expect them to swallow such nach-nach?

Still others just shrug and question your sanity.

First the camels and then this.

Tough crew, eh?

Very tough. Berbers.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Now what?

They wonder when the water will be passed.

Wonder when the water will be passed?

Screw the water! We're not selling water! Start the bidding!

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

Five? Five? Five?

Five!

Igotfive!

Six? I got six? I got six!

(ALL CLAMORING)

This one! Tell them about this one!

Eight thousand. Eight thousand.

Kareem Abdul, Kareem Abdul...

Abdul-Jabbar!

(ALL CHATTERING)

Twelve. Twelve thousand.

He's got it. Is that 12? Let him have it.

Here, here.

AGENT: Jim, you called it. Hasn't moved in almost 20 minutes.

Right on schedule.

How's your foot?

Good, good. Better, thanks.

011-401.

This is Circuit-breaker. Come in, 011-401.

I read you, Circuit-breaker. This is 011-401.

The expiration date is nearly due on those packages

and the sender wants an ID.

So track them with the chopper,

and try to fly where you won't be seen.

Because the lshtari have American choppers

that they're picking off gunrunners with,

and we don't want to be associated with that.

I think we've hit some gunrunners.

Something must be wrong with the beeper. This can't be their location.

We've been sighted.

Look at them go.

Son of a bitch!

What?

It's them!

Let's get the hell out of here!

They don't look dead to me.

Let's go.

American chopper, come here! Come here!

Hey!

Don't go away! No!

Shit! They didn't see us.

Shit.

We didn't get any water.

Yeah, but we got these.

Ibetyou these babies are worth a couple of canteens.

You want to drag these around till we find somebody with water?

Oh, Lyle, that chopper was looking for us. I'll bet you anything.

The CIA knows we're lost, because we didn't show up at the oasis.

If we can just stay alive for a couple of days, they'll find us.

Then we can get out of here and go home. Wouldn't that be great?

Get out of here and go home.

Yeah, I wanna go home.

(ANNOUNCING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

ANNOUNCER: Attention. Attention.

A military curfew is in effect throughout Ishtar.

All persons on the streets after dark...

EMIR: it has to be official!

JIM: Your Excellency, I assure you,

the CIA is doing everything in its power to keep you safe.

We have 25,000 American advisers.

The CIA! The CIA did everything in its power

to keep Anwar Sadat and the Shah safe. How safe were they?

Are the two American messengers of God dead yet?

I can check. Yes, check.

I want to announce their death tonight.

Your Excellency, the announcement of the death of these two men...

VVho have made me look foolish and strengthened the belief that

God has a hand in my overthrow? What of them?

We would like their deaths to appear as from natural causes.

A bullet in the desert is not unnatural.

Especially when there are so many gunrunners and mercenaries about.

Jim, the enemy of my enemies is my friend.

Now, these two men are my enemies, just as Libya is yours.

Tonight.

Yes, Your Excellency.

(BOTH PANTING)

Water.

My lips are on fire.

♪ With my desire

♪ For you

Good song.

♪ So let me drink some water

♪ Oh, let me drink some wine

♪ If you're not my daughter

♪ Will you still be mine? I

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(CRYING)

What have I done with my life, Lyle?

Not now, Chuck. Not now. Not now.

No children. No wife.

Chuck, this isn't really a good time to get depressed.

You're right. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Look at the upside. What?

We're not living lives of quiet desperation.

I guess I just have the blues.

Yeah.

Hey. What?

♪ All the folks that don't have money

♪ Are they poor? Oh, well, sure

Good rhyme.

♪ But that's not poverty, baby

♪ That's not the thought of the Have Not Blues

Take it!

♪ They have not got soles on their shoes

♪ But I have not got you I

Yeah.

This is some of our best work. You got a pencil?

Come on now, Lyle. Get a pencil.

Hey, I wonder if we're here.

Don't lose it, Lyle. Lyle?

This is really interesting.

I'm not depressed anymore.

It shows you where you are in terms of the sun.

I mean, you don't know much about

where you are in terms of where you are...

Lyle, don't scare me. You're all I have.

No, so help me, the lining of yourjackefs a map.

Look at it. What?

You got the East there, the sun coming up. The West right there.

It is a map. Well, yeah!

This must be the map.

Shirra's map. The map that everyone's been looking for.

You mean, the map that could cost us Ishtar and enflame the Middle East?

Yeah.

In the lining of a jacket?

Schmuck- It's not the real lining. Someone sewed it in.

Look at this thread, it's all sloppy and crooked.

Shirra's brother must've sewed it in.

Can I give it to her with you?

Yeah.

That means we can't tell the CIA about it.

Well, it's not their map. It's her map.

Yeah.

She's gone through enough.

Boy, she must've gone through a lot

if she found out about that wind.

Yeah.

That was a weird one.

Yeah.

No one. No one even mentioned it

during the auction.

And they didn't shine.

What didn't?

The beads. They didn't shine.

How would you know?

They were probably in Kansas five minutes after the wind hit.

No, but the beads on my necklace didn't shine.

They're the ones I was dropping.

That's right.

I don't remember them shining last night.

In fact, I remember them not shining.

Gee.

(BEEPING)

We're approaching the target. Over.

Come in as low as you can. They'll hold still for you.

I want those bullets to look like they came from the ground.

They're coming into range.

Take her down.

(CHUCK EXCLAIMING HAPPILY)

Hey! They see us!

He's landing!

Right here!

Hey!

He's pointing a gun at us.

No, he's not pointing it at us.

He's just riding shotgun in case there's trouble.

He's aiming at us.

Will you stop being paranoid!

Run!

Getaway! Run! Run! Run!

They're splitting. Go for the one in blue.

The other's just standing there.

What's happening?

Run, smuck! They're trying to kill us!

You mean those pricks are trying to kill us, too?

Run! Run in a crooked line!

Run! Keep running!

Go!

Run!

Oh, my God! I don't believe this is happening.

You're too high. Come down.

No one's gonna measure whether the guy who shot them

was six foot or 16!

Are you serious?

Two Americans shot in a desert? Of course they'll measure.

This goes in here.

Turn it over. Turn it over.

I wish this gun was mounted.

What the...

Jesus Christ! They're firing at us!

Great shot!

I used to hunt every day before the tire factory opened.

They're using an automatic rifle. We've been hit.

Back off and take cover.

I'm sending in a battle gunship. Over and out.

Son of a bitch.

What's the matter with you, bitch? Come on, now, get up!

You idiot! You wanna get killed?

Come on, move! Move!

We're trying to save your ass! Move! Move!

Get up! Get up!

Forget it, Chuck. Come here.

They're gonna come back and kill us.

Chuck, come on.

That big, dumb, stupid-ass camel! Let's move these.

He'd rather just sit there than move

when you ask him. He'd rather get shot!

Actually, I kind of admire that.

Me, too. Yeah.

Oh, boy.

(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)

Here they come. Here they come.

There's two of them now.

What should I take? Take the M1, take the M1.

What's that? This one? Right there. Yeah.

Isn't this amazing?

Nothing ever happened to us.

I mean, Willa left me, I played a couple of clubs...

Nothing to write home about.

Right.

Now we're gonna die in the desert shooting helicopters.

That ain't poverty. That ain't poverty.

♪ That ain't poverty, baby

♪ That's not the thought of the Have Not Blues!

♪ Folks have not got soles on their shoes ♪

We didn't need a pencil.

There's a jeep moving in towards the target.

Hold your fire till it passes. If it stops, neutralize it. Over.

I read you, slider. I read you.

(JEEP HORN HONKING)

Hey-

Now there's a guy who wants to kill us

bad enough to drive across the desert.

What are you trying to do, make it lock like a traffic accident?

Don't shoot! It's me, your guide. Abdul!

Abdul? What are you doing here?

Looking for you.

I've been looking for you all night.

Fortunately, I had a paying passenger.

HELICOPTER PILOT: The jeep stopped.

AGENT: Shit. Well, take them all.

Be careful, one of them has got a rifle.

Go!

You stay with the machine gun.

What do I do?

Just aim and fire.

Do you know how to use a grenade launcher?

No.

This is the trigger.

SHIRRA: Let them come in closer. When I give you the signal, stand and fire.

I have brought about your deaths. We will die together.

Now!

Holy shit!

Jim, I don't know what you had in mind,

but this action is no longer covert.

We're now overtly firing on two Americans and God knows who else.

And they are armed to the teeth!

Get out, get out, get out. The mission's over.

Just get out as quick, quick...

While we can still say we made a mistake. Get out.

(EXPLODING)

FUCK you!

Fuck you twice!

And two more from our friends!

JIM: Marty. Marty, if we agree to your terms, will we get the map?

MARTY: I don't know anything about a map.

But if anything should happen to my clients, the map is up for grabs.

Here's the deal.

"One, social reforms in Ishtar as dictated by Shirra Assel."

Right.

"Two, an immediate live-in-concert album

"for Rogers & Clarke at the Chez Casablanca

"to be financed and promoted worldwide by you."

Promote Rogers & Clarke worldwide?

No problem. Marty...

Let's work together as agents, Jim.

My pleasure. My pleasure. Talk to you soon.

(PHONE RINGING)

It's a disaster.

The girl wants social reforms in Ishtar,

which means we probably have to get rid of the Emir.

But that's not the biggest problem.

We've got to actually back an album with these guys

and promote them worldwide! Hold on one second.

(PHONE RINGING)

Sir?

We did not shoot at two Americans in the desert. We did not.

Who told you that?

The Secretary of State? Well, how would he know?

(PHONE RINGING)

Well, let me look into it. I'm gonna look into it right away.

I'll get right back to you.

Get General Westlake to get the 7th Battalion

as an enthusiastic audience for a live concert.

Tell him... No, no, no, don't tell him that.

Tell him, "General, we've found the map.

"But we don't know where it is. But we know who has it.

"Shirra Assel and these two American entertainers

"who somebody shot at in the desert."

And we've been able to make a deal, General,

but we need our own men here because if anything happens to them,

the map goes to the KGB, but if Emir Yousef accepts Shirra Assel's reforms

and we back their albums, they promise not to sell it to anyone else.

Back their albums?

I'm Shirra Assel, their friend.

I'm Abdul, their guide.

Marty Freed. I'm their agent.

I'd like to get up, but I got such jet lag.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,

by popular demand, Rogers & Clarke.

Applaud! Pick it up! Yeah!

Applaud! Come on, come on!

♪ Hello, Ishtar, you're more than a country You're a state of mind

♪ Hello, Morocco, you're equally pretty

♪ You're never gonna get left behind

♪ Hello, romance

♪ Hello, adventure

They wrote the music and the lyrics.

♪ Most fun I've had so far

♪ Here in Morocco, I found the spirit of Ishtar ♪

♪ Mecca, Mecca

♪ I look to Mecca and I see

♪ The place where we live and the funny old tree

♪ That we sat under when you first said to me

That's the single.

♪ And a lawnmower can do all that it's amazing

♪ I can see her standing in the backyard of my mind

♪ She cracks her knuckles

♪ And the scab that's on her knee won't go away

♪ I can see the woman waiting in her eyes and I can see the love

♪ But I can't see the Brooklyn Dodgers in LA ♪

♪ I feel so small when I look at the stars

♪ How big is Venus?

♪ How big is Mars?

♪ I feel so small when I look at the sky

♪ How big is heaven?

♪ How big am I? I

Applaud!

(AUDIENCE WHISTLING)

Encore!

Applaud!

Encore!

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Can you believe this? Huh? Huh?

CHUCK: And now, ladies and gentlemen,

this next song is for a very lovely lady of the left.

This is unbelievable.

(PEPPY MUSIC PLAYING)

What is it?

I think they're wonderful.

BOTH: J' Telling the truth can be dangerous business

♪ Honest and popular don't go hand in hand

♪ If you admit that you can play the accordion

♪ No one will hire you in a rock 'n' roll band

♪ But we can sing our hearts out

♪ All night

♪ And if we're lucky then no neighbors complain

♪ Nobody knows where the beginning part starts out

♪ Sing all right

♪ But being human we can live with the pain

♪ Because life is the way

♪ We audition for God

♪ Let us pray that we all get the job

♪ Crying out loud gets you pointed and laughed at

♪ Be like a baby Only babies should cry

♪ Somebody tell me how that rumor got started

♪ Some things I know that only God knows why

♪ But we can sing r

(SONG CONTINUES PLAYING)