Original subtitles

Today is the day someone will prove to me that they are worthy of not just a paycheck,

but a journey into the unknown.

I have had the honor, with a hard "U,"

- like the Europeans do, "The Honeur." - Hor-uh-ner.

What did I say?

You said "honeur." It's a hard, but also soft. It's a soft "H."

I have had the honor of being bell captain of this fine establishment for 12 years.

And a common bellman for 10 years before that.

You might be asking yourself, "How has this guy had the same job for 27 years?"

I don't need to progress.

I don't need success in the eyes of my father, wherever he is,

I don't need to do things like prove my worth to the love of my life

that I let slip away and would do anything to get back.

And I'm saying anything, like, if she came up on this roof right now...

It's enough chit chat.

Let's do this.

Tyler's right.

The time is nigh.

Mm, mm-hmm. Nice. That'll work.

When we first started, there were 12 potential bellmen in training.

The field is now down to three.

Psst! Steve. Two guys.

I see. As it turns out, there are only two of you.

Whoever passes this competition will enter into final bellman certification,

in which there are three stages to your initiation.

Let's do this!

Oh, dear God.

On your mark,

get set, and go.

Congrats, B.I.T. You've won the elimination round.

Passing the first stage is a pretty big deal.

Be proud, very few make it this far.

Mm-hm.

C'mon. I wanna show you something.

Ah! Hello?

Um. Hello?

Shh. You're safe.

Ow! Someone punched me, Steve.

Tyler, did you punch Josh?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, I did.

Check it out.

The Bellman Hall of Fame.

All the greats are up there.

You know who that is?

Sid Whitman.

He started here as a bellman, just like us.

Worked his way up the ladder and bought the hotel.

Could I work my way up the ladder?

Sure.

How come you never worked your way up the ladder?

Yeah, we're having a good time.

Who's the cactus?

That's Sauggie. Best bellman I ever worked with.

Sauggie once stacked 22 bags on one bell cart.

Still an Arizona record!

Sauggie once revived a woman who passed away in the lobby.

- A week later. - Still an Arizona record.

When Sauggie left, he took a piece of me with him.

Miss you, Sauggie, miss you every day.

Where did Sauggie go?

No one knows.

What?

Nobody knows. He just didn't show up to work one day, no explanation.

The police searched for weeks. He just vanished.

Miss him every day.

It's all right here in the Bellman Handbook .

Go ahead.

So just to be clear, cactus was a revered bellman

who mysteriously disappeared

and his return is something everyone covets.

- Yeah, that's pretty much it. - That's spot on.

- It's the story they're all going with. - 100%

Yeah. Okay. I'm just making sure that's where we're going with this.

Come on, let's get you into uniform.

- Hey, Steve. - Hey.

Here's today's checkouts. There's also a handful early check-ins today.

Last night we were at 80% but tonight's going to be at full capacity.

I can't wait.

Josh, the goal here is to make as much in tips as possible.

Now you achieve that by giving great service 24/7, all right?

Remind the guests if they don't have cash, all good,

they can get Bravo, the new tipping app.

Okay, let's get this party started.

All right!

What was that?

Oh, woah.

- Um, you are a big man. - I'm the runt of the litter.

- You want 1.8 for that property? - Hey, what's up?

Yeah, I can get you 1.2 if you're lucky. Come on in.

- Hi, I'm Rhonda. - One of us is not ready yet, but we'll be ready soon.

Hi, I'm Jesus.

Can we take your bag for you, sir?

Oh!

Sure thing, Mr. Ketterer. He's on his way and he won't be late.

JJ.

Hi, I'm Tyler. I'm your bellman.

Hey, my name is JJ.

You're the bellman.

A couple of houses on the market that have been sitting there for the last year

and you're trying to tell... did you just look at a watch that wasn't on your hand?

I have an itch.

No, man. This is really new to me. But I feel bad.

I usually don't have people help me do it and oh... I can't believe it.

Mother Bear.

- I'll take this here. - No, no. I'm not ready yet.

- How about I just take this one then? - Oh, no. I'm not quite finished.

Rhonda, will you help me fold these?

Oh, I'd prefer not to.

So, can I bring these down for you?

What do you think?

I don't know.

No.

This is greatly appreciated. Have a great rest of your day.

- That's good. - Yeah, okay. Good.

- And that's for you. - Oh, you are too kind.

No, no, no. We got to keep it organized, baby.

- What is two dollars? - Let's get this show on the road.

- Oh, those are binoculars. - Those are binoculars.

Bravo!

Excuse me, could you...

Steve?

Houseman?

Wow, it's me, Dave Myers.

Dick-face Dave.

You used to say that all the...

- Dave Myers. Right. - Yeah.

What... What are you doing here in Tucson?

Spirifresh, the spiritual mind refreshment retreat.

- Sounds refreshing. - Ooh.

So,

can you help me to my room?

Oh, duh.

You know Tucson has the most days of sunshine of any city in the entire US.

And one of the most popular golf destinations.

Steve Houseman, this is crazy.

I mean, I thought you were all like running a tech company...

win... winning Super Bowl's.

Oh, yeah. No.

You've had this job since high school, right?

Yeah, yeah. Good memory.

Still. Same job, still. Still a bellman.

Well actually now, I am the bell captain.

Oh, ahoy!

So, after Kate got pregnant with Maddie, she quit her job at the tech firm.

I make enough money for the both of us, so, and she is such a wonderful mother.

It's really... I just love having a family.

It's like the most great thing you can ever imagine. Ouch!

- No, it's okay. I'm good. - It's a tight squeeze.

You can just put it right there. Just...

Yeah, wow.

Steve.

It's great to see you. You're really good at this, man.

I appreciate it.

Yeah.

- All right, well. Enjoy your stay. - Oh.

Ah, thank you.

Money.

Money. Ooh, money.

Eh. Uh, no.

You know...

- Trying to leave. - Yeah, yeah.

It's a game.

Got a busy day.

Getting weird every time you stop me.

Dave, I've never beat anybody up in this hotel before.

Yeah.

- All right. - Okay.

- See you around, Dave. - Yeah, I'll see you around Dave... Steve.

♪ When he was a boy He would dream ♪

♪ About growing up to be Steve ♪

♪ He always thought He'd be more ♪

♪ Than just a guy bringing bags To the door ♪

Kelly.

- I didn't know you'd be... - Oh!

Oh, shh!

Do you need help?

Thanks.

I got to go to the lobby.

- It's that way. - Okay.

Oh, you guys have a bar and grill, nice.

Yeah, you can really get lit there.

- What's your name? - Josh.

I don't care. Don't talk to me. Everything goes through Tyler, okay?

Okay. Yes, sir.

- Just... - Sorry, sir.

I'm with him right now. Hold on one sec. I need the keys to the golf course.

Excuse me?

The keys to the golf course, you're supposed to keep them on hand.

Ah...

Wow, first day and we can't trust you.

- You can pack up your things. - I don't have things.

Even better.

You're fired, you got 10 minutes to vacate the property

or I'll have you arrested for trespassing.

No.

Yes.

Josh, I'm messing with you, man.

I'm Michael, Front Office Manager.

Hey. Josh, I'm B.I.T.

Yeah, I know.

Hey, guys.

Steve, morning, brother.

Met the new guy. Hit him with the classic.

Nice. You know, Josh.

I trained Michael when he got hired here as a bellman.

Couple of years later he took a dump on my face and took a promotion.

Weird that I'd want a salary and health insurance for the family.

Did he really take a dump on your face?

If any of you guys, notwithstanding Steve, ever want to move up,

let me know, the door is always open.

And become like you or Alan?

- Who's Alan? - Department head meeting in 15 minutes, Steve, don't be late.

Yes, sir, got it marked right here in my palm pilot.

- Who's this? - B.I.T.

No thanks. I just ate. What's your name?

Josh.

Joshua, is it? I should write you up.

Oh yeah?

Oh, you're gonna write me up?

I... I should write you up

for that penis head.

- One demerit! - We don't have demerits, Alan.

Well, we will.

I'm trying to implement them.

You will be watched.

You will be fired, if you talk to me like that again.

Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir.

Sir.

Good.

11 minutes till the meeting.

Can't wait.

One demerit.

So, that's Alan.

- Ah. - Good to meet you. Steve, I'll catch you at the meeting.

Yeah.

- First early check-in of the day. - Thank you, Stacey.

No problem.

All right, you heard her, B.I.T. Get out and help that lady.

- Alone? - Oh, yeah. No better way to learn.

Yeah, okay.

No problemo.

You got this.

Here we go.

Josh's time to shine.

Who are you talking to?

What?

No... no one.

Hi, I'm Josh. I'm the new B.I.T. I was wondering if I could...

Welcome to King Saguaro Hotel. May I have your last name, please?

- It's Long. - No problem. I've got room on ticket.

Oh, no, no. My name is Sheila Long.

Oh, of course. Miss Long.

Good morning, ma'am. Can I help...

Oh, my, what happened?

Bellmen are clumsy and stupid.

Yeah. Please. Come right this way.

Listen up, Josh.

Do not encroach on us when we're talking with guests.

Why not?

'Coz you get smashed in the head with a suitcase, bro.

Now, go back to ding-a-ling desk with other ding-a-lings. Ding-a-ling.

Ding-a-ling.

Steve.

A few years ago, we were honored to host the Susan B. Anthony Memorial Golf Tournament.

Needless to say, we were slammed. Cars were piling up.

So, I took the initiative to help and valeted a nice woman's Mercedes

and the brothers did not like that.

In retaliation, they peed on every single bell cart.

Yeah. Things have been contentious between us ever since.

You would know that if you read the Bellmen Handbook .

You just gave me the handbook...

You should have it memorized, you idiot!

Yeah, you idiot. All right. I got to go to a meeting. Josh, you're in charge.

Really?

Nope.

- Come on, think. - Hey, Brad.

Watch this.

Hi, welcome to the hotel. Let me grab these for you.

- Thank you. - Right this way.

You know it was my idea to do an all-female Ghostbusters.

You really are an idiot.

Explain to me the difference between Radicchio and Arugula.

Radicchio has no... how do you say?

I didn't take a single one.

You didn't take any? Oh man.

All right everyone, let's be Quiet please.

We have a lot to get through and not a lot of time.

Alan, what time is it?

Alan, it's a flip phone, just flip it.

Alan, what time is it?

- Michael, what time is it? - 10:25 a.m.

Quick rundown time of everything today, shall we? Guillaume, what's in season?

- Cacti are always in season. - Ah, ha-ha. Don't I know it?

- Ted, what do you got for me? - We're close to discovering the source of the smell

coming from the air ducts on the third floor.

And we all sincerely hope that you do. Louisa.

Our robe inventory is diminishing.

Until we put a stop to this robe thievery,

only the people who really need robes will get them.

Very troubling. Alan, please find the culprit.

And Patty, how are the puppets?

Oh, you know, we good.

Oh! Thanks Patty.

We have a lot of events this weekend.

I want to keep everyone apprised of where everything is going on.

In the Sahuarita Ballroom we have the Moishevitz Bar Mitzvah.

Please have the first aid kit ready.

And in the Tanque Verde Ballroom we have the 4th Annual Toddler Ball.

So plenty of juice boxes and goldfish.

In the Saddlebrooke Ballroom we have Spirifresh,

the Spiritual Mind Refreshment Retreat.

Now for anyone who is interested in attending Spirifresh,

they are offering a 4% employee discount.

Now you might recognize that we are at a 100% capacity this weekend

and we have some V-very I-important P's showing up,

including our owner, Sid Whitman.

And everyone join me in congratulating Kelly on joining Les Clefs d'Or,

the national organization of lobby concierges.

Kelly, we appreciate people whose commitment to excellence

earns them honors like these and makes us look good in the process. So, thank you.

Mazel tov , baby.

Thanks, Patty.

And thank you, Susan. I'm honored to share this table with all of you.

Every one of you makes my job easier. Except for Steve.

Meeting is over.

Kelly.

- Kelly. - What, Steve?

Congrats on the pin thingy.

It's Les Clefs d'Or, not a pin thingy.

What are you doing right now?

I'm working.

I got a promotion.

I was interviewing and crushing it so they were like enough is enough.

Let's start the transition. To the top is where I'm headed.

So, just thought you should know that.

Congratulations. Maybe I'll be seeing you at the adult table.

Maybe I'll look in your direction at the table when you see me there.

I'll be the guy looking at you.

Michael, this is Steve.

Michael.

I need you in the garden ASAP.

God! Jesus, come on.

- What's up, dude? - Oh, hey. I need your help.

Hmm. Pretty sure the favor scale is leaning heavily in my favor.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. I just lied to Kelly. I told her I was getting promoted.

Why would you do that?

I don't know, man. I just miss her. I want another shot.

Well, lying to her is a great start.

- You gonna help me or not? - Of course.

But I can't just promote you out of thin air. It's a process.

- If you were a manager, you'd know that. - Great, so make me a manager.

All right, I'll see what I can do. But you got to keep your nose clean.

- Right, if Alan catches you doing anything... - I can handle Alan.

No messing around. You can't get in trouble.

I'll keep a low profile. I'll hide in the bell closet.

How come I never get to hang out in the bell closet?

Because you abandoned us.

I deserved that.

All right, so what's our move?

Try to convince Susan to give you a shot.

Show her some numbers, tell her I need an Assistant Front Office Manager.

Great, thank you. Hey, uh...

Let's just keep this a Mike, Steve thing, you know. Guys don't need to know.

- Why not? - The whole "being a bell captain for life" is kind of my thing.

- You're killing me, man. - I know, okay. I'll get you back. I'll get you robes.

- Robes? - Yeah.

Damn it.

I got plenty of robes at home.

Then just tell me that.

- Let's get back inside before someone suspects something. - Yeah.

Oh, hey. Steve! This is Gunther.

He is a very important P.

Gunther. Hi, I'm Steve, the bell captain.

Steve, yes.

Stress, but it's not work related.

A good soul, unfulfilled.

But Steve can dance.

No. No, he can't.

Um, I can dance.

So, you think you can dance?

In your face, Steve. He pegged you good, Steve.

That was good.

I make this joke because there is a famous show,

a television show has the same moniker as these words I just said to you.

I have not seen it because my studies show,

television is observation from a distance, yeah?

Yeah, but you... yes.

You Steve, captain.

Yes, you can dance.

The universe loves you, so do I.

But we always safe, so safe.

Here is Sanz Hands hand sanitizer.

That's a lot.

Okay.

Sorry, you're just so cute, I can't help myself.

These girls are definitely feeling us.

Gunther can jump hella far, bro.

- Hella far. - Why does that matter?

You are so lucky because tonight I am hosting

one of my very rare seminars

right here in the conference room.

It only happen two,

maybe three times in a weekend.

So, I trust I will see all of you there?

We will definitely be there. Are you kidding me?

A kid is a baby goat.

Laughter is organic message of the universe and yet,

no human vessel can contain it.

Yeah.

Hmm.

Make sure you go to the website because the tickets, they go like hot cakes.

You know, they go so fast.

- Paid. - Ah, look how fast.

- Paid. - So fast still.

Yeah, we're gonna need to check our schedules

before we can commit.

When they commit to the seminar what are they...

what are they paying for?

Steve,

Steve is the captain. Captain Steve.

Just like the mouse...

the mouth

craves hydration.

Yeah, okay?

So the mind crave...

what is human word for this?

Knowledge.

Do you know that the human brain

only uses 14% capacity?

The dog uses 24% of the human brain.

How, Gunther? I will tell you tonight.

I will tell you tonight at the seminar.

I can't wait, man.

Why are we clapping?

Spirifresh has enlightened my brain to know what my body is capable of.

Don't you want to know what our bodies are capable of?

- Yes. - Yes.

- Definitely. 100%. - At the seminar...

Really I just work here during the day, but my nights is off.

So now we must go up to the room, okay, we unwind,

we meditate and then we make love 1000 times.

But first what always is... what always is... what always is safe?

Yes, safe.

My Lord.

Yes. Safe. Super safe. Yes.

Can you help me with my bags?

They're really heavy and your hands look so strong and sexually satisfying.

Yup.

Allons y .

Have fun.

Who's she?

Kelly. Chief Concierge.

She's like the bell captain of concierges.

Seems like you love her.

We went out a few times a while back.

One night I was hanging at the bar after hours, waiting to meet her for a dirty one.

- Eww. - Martini, you perv.

Oh!

Anyway, one of the bartenders just so happened to be a very handsome young lady.

She got an olive lodged in her throat.

Everyone starts freaking out.

I hop over the bar and start giving her the Heimlich,

but Kelly wasn't familiar with that maneuver.

So, it looked like we were...

Ah, doinking.

Doinking.

That was it between Kelly and I.

I've been trying to get her back ever since.

- How's that going? - I'm not good enough for her.

Well, if you don't think you're good enough, why should she?

Maybe you should be the one holding a conference.

Do you like this? I just want to make sure I look cute at the after party tonight.

Yeah, you look cute.

What about this one?

It's great. They're both... I like them both, you know.

So, I will see you tonight?

Uh-huh.

Go ahead and buy that ticket.

Oh, yeah. I'll just... I'll do it when I get downstairs.

Ah...

Ah, you don't know how to give massages, do you?

Yes, I do. I was captain of the varsity massage... massage squad.

I have an idea. Come on.

- Can you believe that guy? - Okay, he's a complete slime ball, right?

Oh, yeah. No question. I mean it's a huge scam.

You know him?

Not personally. And this Spirifresh thing is new.

It used to be called Modern Divinity.

See, my aunt and uncle were super into it,

they put up their house, all their savings,

my uncle's foreign feather collection, everything.

They lost it all thinking he was going to make them rich.

Now they don't even have a feather to their name. And those girls are in on it too.

Help keep an eye on the guys for me, would you?

- But I hurt my wrist, Steve. - God damn it.

I'll sit in the hot bath and you can massage my neck

and then I'll figure out a way to pay you back that's equally, physically gratifying.

Careful, you might get wet.

Not a problem.

Ooh, clean your hands first. Okay, sweetie?

Of course.

Oh, go ahead and buy that ticket, okay, honey?

Yes, of course.

Spirifresh.

All bought.

Do you know what I'm gonna do now?

Nope.

I'm going to take a moment to get ready.

Oh...

Oh, right.

Well, I'll be right outside

whenever you're ready to...

You're so cute.

So, my vacation days expire at the end of the month.

I'm thinking about going to Botswana, help build a school.

I just hope one of the babies is an orphan, so I can sneak him home in my suitcase.

Well, why don't you just adopt?

Oh, no, no, the chances of getting a white baby are way too high.

I love white babies. I used to be one.

Sorry, didn't see you guys there.

It's been a crazy day. Michael has me taking care of a bunch of things for him,

you know, assistant manager type of stuff.

Well, looks like you're just...

One second, hold that thought. That's a go for Steve.

Yeah, we can move forward.

Ultimately, it is my decision to make, so we're good to go there.

Great. Over.

It's part of my day-to-day now.

Just making decisions, delegating,

trying to figure out what to do with my significant pay raise.

How much you're making?

You never ask a woman her age, Catherine.

You should know that, seeing as how old you are.

Why don't you just keep begging for tips,

maybe you can buy some tassles for your handle bars.

What was it like giving hand jobs during the Great Depression?

Kelly, um, what are you... what are you doing later?

I'm going to dinner with Mr. Whitman.

I'm actually at that dinner.

So that's... that'll be you, me and Mr. Whitman and all the managers.

Probably, Alan too, which will be great.

I'll see you then.

Oh, never stops. Sorry.

That's a go for Steve. Yeah, no.

Let's go ahead and hire that woman.

She is great for the job.

And let's... let's fire that kid.

Okay, over.

Guys, I would love to stay and party,

but this hotel is not going to assistant manage itself.

- So, I'll see you guys. - Woah, who is assistant managing itself?

Steve is. Didn't you hear?

Is this true, Steven?

Yeah, yup that's what... yup.

Why wasn't I briefed on this?

That sounds like an Alan problem, not really a Steve problem.

This is Ops for Alan. We need you to bring in the robes.

We simply don't have the man power down here.

Copy that. I'll start collecting them.

This conversation will be continued.

I look forward to it.

Yeah.

One demerit.

It was nice chatting with you, Kelly.

Left, right. One, two. One, two. One, two.

Now jab up.

See you tonight, sweetie. Make sure your hands are clean.

Oh, they are definitely into us.

Yeah, and there is absolutely nothing creepy about that.

No, no.

Hey, you about ready for that massage?

Oh, honey. I'm not feeling well.

Okay.

I can make you feel better.

I'll see you tonight, and we can do the massage then.

Are you sure?

Because you're here and I'm here and the bath is already drawn.

I'm definitely sure. I'd like you to leave now.

Okay.

Hey, Sarah, it's Brad.

I... um, my clothes are in there.

So, I'm going to need my clothes and... oh, and my cellphone.

My cellphone is in there.

B.I.T. There's a call for you.

- This one? - Yeah. Pick it up.

B.I.... Shit. Josh speaking.

Josh, there's a horse in the stable.

What?

Agamemnon is stuck in Troy.

Okay.

I need your help. Trojan Suitcase.

What?

Read your handbook, Chapter 13. I'm in room 1312.

Thank you.

Shit.

You know, for the first time ever, I can finally taste life.

Hey.

- Hi. - You guys all right?

More than all right. Gunther said I had what it takes.

To do what?

I'll find out tonight.

What about you?

Did you know that 75% of humans beings

don't know the difference between ratios and percentages?

I don't see how that's important.

If you came tonight, you would know why it is important.

Ah.

Did you know 100% of people who pay for things impulsively are dum-dums?

Did you know that I 100% believe in you?

Excuse me.

- B.I.T. - Damn!

- What took you so long? - I couldn't find Kevin.

Kevin is where Kevin always is, next to Anteaus, Artmeis, and Leroy.

I found him eventually, but then Leroy made me answer three riddles. It was a whole thing.

Hey, that's Leroy's job.

Why are you wearing a bikini?

Because I don't have my clothes

and for some reason there are no robes in this room.

But why are you wearing the top?

It's spring.

What's going on in there?

Nothing. Well, I was trying to hook up with this girl.

It was going really well, right.

She was giving me like all the signs, you know,

and then she was like, "Yeah." And I was like, "What?"

I was like, "Yeah." And she was like, "No."

I went, "What? Because you just said yeah."

Anyway, hashtag respect, so I hung out here.

And I realized I left my clothes in there and I was like,

"I'll come out because there's probably robes here."

But there were no robes in this room.

It's one of those Spirifresh girls?

I don't know where she works.

But I'm guessing it's probably one of those Spirifresh girls.

Okay, hop in. Let's get you out of here.

Woah, woah, woah. Back up.

This isn't my first rodeo.

If only I hadn't pulled slime in the real Ghostbusters ,

I wouldn't be going into another Trojan suitcase.

- Hi, Alan. - Joshua.

You can just call me Josh.

That's what I said. Joshua.

What's with the robes?

I'm removing them from all the rooms until we find out who's been stealing them.

What was that?

I sneezed.

It sounded muffled.

My sneezes are muffled.

Why?

Deviated nose job.

Hmm.

- Oh. - Ah!

Oh, hi! Here. Okay.

I'll take that, sir.

Okay. Oh, you're gonna take that for me. Thank you so much.

Is there anything else we can do for you?

No, I'm actually off to see the concierge.

I was going to arrange a tour of your local lettuce facilities.

Excellent choice.

Yes. I will see you later.

Okay, okay. Enjoy.

Joshua.

I think this is going to have a profound impact.

You got to be kidding me. What the hell is this?

We wanted to give our guests a chance to join

just in case they're yet not aware of the wonders of Spirifresh.

Gunther says we'll get a cut of each one sold.

You mean like a pyramid scheme?

Not cash, my gentle warrior. A percentage of our soul.

That's much less crazy.

- Josh, what the shit is this? - Trojan Suitcase.

I can see that. What are you doing with it?

Did you authorize a B.I.T. to execute a Trojan, yes?

Shut your mouth. I did not. I'm just learning of this.

It has to be approved by a bell captain.

I would never have allowed it. Too much risk.

I'm sorry, Steve. No one was around.

Josh, will you get me out of here so I can meet Tony Danza?

Just get Brad to safety so he can change.

It's almost time for afternoon check-ins.

Faster, Josh.

- I'm trying. - You move so weird.

- You guys are really in deep... - Hello, Steven. Have you seen Joshua?

I have some items I need to discuss with him.

Alan, you know what? Josh just went on break. Anything I can help you with?

Currently no. It's Joshua I need.

Revised check-in list is here.

Thank you so much, Stacey.

Alan, we really need to attend to our bell duties. Priorities, you understand that?

Maybe we can reconvene in an hour or so?

Yes, of course. As you were.

Oh, thank God! I could barely breathe in there.

I'm sorry about that, Brad. Where are the extra uniforms?

Wait, why didn't you just have me bring you a uniform?

- Because it's spring. - Yeah.

Here you go.

Hey, Josh.

You killed it today.

What?

I like it.

Me too, Leroy. Me too.

- Come on down, Kelly. - No, Patty. Patty.

- Don't think... - Patty, I need you to take this seriously.

- Shut up. - Bye.

- Hello! - Oh!

Hello.

- Go ahead. - Okay. Can I help you?

What even is this?

Help.

What is help?

I have noticed something about you when we met before.

I'm sorry, we met before?

It was not in this life.

It was on another planet called Maple First.

It looks exactly like Earth. You can't even tell.

It's the same carpet on the wall, everything.

But it does not have the restraints

of man and woman.

Is there something I can help you with?

It's clear you have questions.

I clearly have answers.

Do you feel my foot on your foot?

That's not me.

There's something under the table that feels like a foot.

Kelly, look.

You need to come tonight.

I'm not sure that I can.

What's fun to do in the area?

Would you like a brochure?

Yeah, yeah. For sure, yeah. This is kind of why I came.

All right, kid. You ready for check-ins?

I was born...

Ready.

I think he was going to say, "I was born ready." But I think I punched him.

Congratulations, your future husband is a very lucky man.

I'm not going to cheat on him with you.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I... I didn't mean that. I have a girlfriend.

So, I'm... I'm happy there in that capacity.

You don't think I'm pretty?

I don't want to go inside the hotel.

Pick a card, any card.

But that's a bird.

Magic.

- We want ice-cream. - We want ice-cream.

- We want ice-cream. - We want ice-cream.

- We want ice-cream. - We want ice-cream.

I don't usually do this, but I'm going to give you some free financial advice.

Oh, yeah. Apple, Amazon?

No, that's the past. You want to buy polyurethane.

Like plastics?

No, like sex dolls. We all need them.

Or Wahlburgers.

Sir, I'm gonna help you with that. Toss me that.

Hey, get back here.

Bravo!

Check-in's this way.

Josh.

You engaged in a Trojan suitcase without approval of your bell captain.

But due to the circumstances,

I will approve it postquam factum.

Congratulations, you've passed the second stage.

Hey, hey. Congrats on passing stage two, Josh.

Aw, thanks guys.

Dude, this is for the Brennan's birthday party.

I'm sorry.

Those are Make-a-Wish kids.

They had one wish. Cake.

What now?

I need to be at that dinner with Whitman.

- Why? - Because I lied to Kelly again.

What? Why would you...

You're really putting me in a bad spot here.

- Mr. Whitman's going to be here any minute. - Yeah, I know.

I will talk to Susan. Stop lying to people!

We can party in my yacht tomorrow.

Here he comes.

Steve, hey Steve.

We crushed this afternoon rush and we were thinking,

can we clock out early for Spirifresh?

Are you sure you want to? He's...

I've never been more sure in my life.

Let me go talk to Brad for a minute. Cool?

- Yeah. Cool. Awesome. - Thank you. Steve, thank you.

Not here.

Hey, man.

Thanks for coming.

I need to come clean.

And I trust you.

I'm trying to get a promotion.

I know. I don't like it happening this way,

but it's my only shot of getting Kelly back.

Have you tried like telling her how you feel? Being honest?

Wow. What is it, 1958?

Look, this is what's happening, and I just need your support.

It's fine, Steve.

It's your life. You call the shots.

We're just the bellmen helping bring bags to the little hotel in your brain.

That's not true.

You guys are more than just bellmen.

Hey!

So are you!

If you think getting promoted will help you get the girl,

then you go for it.

Whatever you do, just know that we have your back.

Just make sure it's the right decision.

Thank you, brother.

Thank you for being honest.

Yeah.

I'm gonna go check on JJ and Tyler. I'm worried about them.

Yeah, I got to finish up here.

- We both got stuff to do. - Yeah, all right. All right.

- See you back at the... - At the hotel.

- Where we work. - Yeah.

If not, I'll text you later. Same number?

- Good to see you, Brad. - You too.

Lot of sun screen. I like that.

Oh, you like that?

- Can you untie me now? - Did you learn your lesson?

- Yeah. - You're going to do a Trojan ass without an official A?

Yeah. No. No. No. God, no. Absolutely not. I've learned. I've learned.

Good.

Brad.

Brad. Are you gonna untie me?

Brad.

Um, hello?

Guys. Hey, guys?

Guys.

Okay, I'm only going to do this once,

because right now my consciousness

is being violently penetrated by wisdom genitals.

Okay. Well, I'm heading out.

Just wanted to let you know Mr. Whitman is arriving soon.

Susan asked to make sure someone was there to greet him.

Well, I think Mr. Whitman needs to greet himself first, if you know what mean.

Just don't piss him off.

Or Susan, I guess.

Whatever. You guys are weird.

- Adios, Santiago. - Adios, Stacey. Have a wonderful evening.

Goodnight, Stacey.

Steven. I need to speak to you.

Ah, what's up Alan?

I examined the employee log in human resources

and there's no information about your pending promotion.

Oh, yeah.

It happened super last minute, so, probably hasn't been updated yet.

I checked with payroll and there's no start paperwork submitted for the wage increase.

I actually agreed to maintain my bellman rate

until I have sufficiently trained our newest bellman hire, Josh.

- Whom you've met. - Yes, Joshua, met I have.

Great.

But there's a different insurance

which covers management

and the paperwork for that hasn't been submitted yet either.

Well, yes.

That's because since we've employed the new cashless tipping app, Bravo,

we also implemented a new paperless paper app

called Paper.

That can't be,

I would know if there was some new app that we were supposed to have...

It's brand new, super new. Literally just happened.

Like we guys were talking about it.

It's getting launched.

I just got a text about it in the old palm pilot.

So, you know, so that's that.

You know what, Alan?

This seems like there's still a lot of information to be picked up on.

So, I'm gonna talk...

I'm going to go find... to Brad about...

What would Brad know? He's just a common bellman.

- Oh, wow. - Alan, how dare you?

- I'm right here. - Brad is one of our top employees,

and actually probably in line to replace me as bell captain.

- Really? - You know what? Yeah, I think so.

When my promotion is complete.

- Congratulations again on your promotion. - Thank you so much.

I'm going to go talk to Susan.

Great. Tell her I said hi.

Tell her we said what up.

I'm sorry, I got stuck, all right. These guys are worthless.

Worth is only measured less by the man who values less worth than what he's actually worth.

Thus, worthlessness cannot be worth less than what it is, worthless.

Okay. If Alan talks to Susan, he's going to know there's no promotion.

And we're gonna be screwed.

What are you doing?

This is Ops, for Alan.

Okay, go for Alan.

Hey, man.

We have an emergency situation on our hands and I need help, ASAP.

One of the guests is...

...molesting a saguaro.

What?

Yeah, man. We need a manager to go down there

and sort of oversee the proceedings, and you know.

Can't Michael handle it?

Are you kidding me, man? Michael is decapitated.

What about Steven?

Steven! Are you kidding me? That guy is a boner.

I can't have a boner go down there.

Are you not listening to me? Is this thing on?

I need you and your big balls.

Come again?

Smart calls.

Okay, I understand.

Where do you need me?

- What... - Say something.

- What? - Where is the saguaro being molested?

Twelfth hole, pal.

The golf course?

Yes, the golf course. What other holes do we have around here? Don't answer that.

Okay, copy that. I'm on my way.

It's the boss. Ha-ha, you're finally here.

Tigron, how are you?

Very good. Very good. Don't worry. We will take very good care of your car.

Tigron, this isn't just a car.

This is the most magnificent thing I've ever put my ass in.

If you ask it nicely, it'll make coffee for you.

Press drive, take a nap. Go for a spin.

This thing is so smart, it could raise my children if I asked it to.

I have extra baby just so vehicle can raise it.

How's your brother, Davit?

I am excellent, sir, just excellent.

Ah, Davit. Good to see you. All right, let me see.

That's 25 bucks for you.

- Thank you. - 25 dollars for you.

And do me a favor, take it easy on the bellmen, would you?

I'd rather have khachkar melt my balls.

I understand. Take care, boys.

Davit, get in the car.

Hello...

Susan, there's something urgent I need to discuss with you.

Not urgent. Sid now. Sid now.

Hey, there they are! The best management team in the business.

How are you guys? Oh, I've been away for so long I missed you guys.

Welcome back, Sid.

- Where's Alan? - He's probably held up with a guest.

- Okay. - Mr. Whitman.

Really? You insult me like this?

How many times have I told you? You don't call me Mr. Whitman.

You call me Sid. You understand me? Call me Sid.

- Yes, Mr. Whitman. - Much better.

- Can I take your bag? - No. It's mine.

I don't know it crosses, it crosses. Oh, you forgot.

Good to see you, buddy.

Hello.

You there.

Are you okay?

Have you been attacked?

Do you need an adult?

Did you see the incident?

Alan for Operations.

Go for Ops.

I'm at the 12th hole.

Mazel tov.

Where is the molested saguaro?

I'm not sure what you mean, sir.

You called me to tend to the 12th hole

to diffuse a situation involving a molested saguaro.

You weren't called by us, sir.

Yo, they got Alan again!

Steven.

Two demerits.

Dinner is ready whenever you'd like to eat.

- Fantastic. - Steve will join us as well.

Oh. Well, why?

I... I told him he could. Plus, he's very hungry.

- Hello, Mr. Whitman. - The next person that calls me Mr. Whitman is out of here.

I'm very sorry, Mrs. Whitman.

Very good.

That I like. Come here.

Ah, it's good to see you. And congratulations on that pin thingy.

Thank you.

- Let's eat. - Yes.

You know what, I'm going to catch up with you guys in a bit.

I got a few things to finish up here, first.

All right, let's go.

Come on.

I feel so joyous.

Yes, yes.

We're attending the conference.

Gonna mess around and change our lives completely.

You guys did well today.

No, we hit the ATM.

Gunther likes to challenge his disciples in the crowd

and if you can outbid your neighbor then you'll get a clue to the universe.

Come, brother JJ, to the conference

and we will suckle from the tit of perfection and life wondering wisdom.

Namaste. Now, I'm gonna go. You stay.

How did you get free?

Honestly, I don't know.

I passed out from what I assume was lack of blood circulation and dehydration. Both.

I came to and I was free.

I did see a big Native American dude walking away.

I tried calling out, but everyone around here

likes to dramatically walk away and not answer when people call out to them.

Wait, Brad.

Josh?

Head to room 3158, pronto.

I'm trusting you.

I'm sending you to Gunther's room.

I need you to find something, anything that will help us take him down.

Okay, I'll see what I can do.

Wait, Steve.

Welcome to Spirifresh.

And now, the closest thing we have to a god on Earth,

the answer to all of our problems,

Gunther Gochamonet.

Why does the mind

always is trying to make the body play hookey from your relevance?

I'm on my journey,

I'm starting out this way, yeah, but then I end up.

I end up over here. Why am I hookey?

But tonight,

I will teach you.

If you're into a cherry oak vibe,

with an after taste not unlike a Russian winter,

- I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. - Wait, wait, wait.

This is the Malbec?

No, that's the tap water.

Never push the tap water, kid.

Of course.

If I may say, you are as handsome as you are funny.

We only hire the finest.

Well, then how the hell did Alan get a job?

Oh, Sid, he was a qualified applicant.

I'm kidding. I love Alan. You know what I'm going to have?

I'm going to have a Simmzy's Beach Cruiser.

Oh, two Simmzy's Beach Cruisers. One for my pal, Steve.

That is an excellent choice.

Now, on the specials menu tonight we have a Cornish Game Hen,

Kentucky blue grass fed and raised with her parents and half siblings in attendance.

She was given a community college education,

but she spent her winters at summer camp.

Everything okay?

Yeah, the Spirifresh thing is...

I'm just trying to make sure everything's okay.

Well, I'm proud of you.

Thank you. For what?

Well, taking the initiative to move up.

It means a lot. It's a big deal.

Just knowing that getting a promotion matters, means something.

It's half the battle.

Exactly.

You don't need to do. You need to just try.

Get one shot. Lose myself in the moment.

Take my mom's spaghetti. Baby, I'm a firework.

Ain't nobody gonna hold me down.

Oh, oh, I got to keep on moving.

Backstreet's back all right.

Something like that.

We can talk about it more after dinner.

Maybe for a dirty one?

- I mean... - You finished with your intimate moments? Proceed.

Thank you. I don't want you to take my word for it.

When we say farm to table, we mean farm to table.

Wait till you see how fresh the fish is.

Okay, hold up. Hold up.

So, you mean to tell me that she was hot

and then she wasn't hot and then she was hot again?

- Bro, it's the method. - I love chicks too.

- I love pizza. - Not as much as I love chicks. DKE.

You are walking.

You are walking on the cloud.

And the cloud looks up to you and says,

"Oh, hi. How's it going up there? Yeah."

And you reply...

As long as I know who I am, I am well.

Yeah,

yeah,

yeah,

yeah.

Using your sense of ears like a bear.

With our minds we begin to urinate

and then for real into our pants.

We come to 18. He hits an errand ball into the woods.

We can't find it. I said, you know what?

Just drop a ball, because I'm a good guy.

Hits a tree, bounces out of bounds, I win the hole.

You know why? Because I'm a good guy.

And I'm here today

because I'm a nice guy with some very bad news.

I'm selling the hotel.

I was approached by this big investor

who has an in with the Indian Reservation and Gaming Board

and he wants to turn the place into a casino and I...

I don't qualify for that. And I love this place.

I love you guys,

but it's hard to keep this place profitable,

and Samantha says she wants to move to Florida.

And when the wife says "jump," you say,

"Let's move to Florida."

But our jobs are safe, right?

See, this we don't know because they're rebranding.

They're gonna turn the conference rooms into gaming tables, and slots.

I don't know the details. I just know that... Alan, you made it.

Yes, I did. But I'm not the only one who made it to the top

of the ladder of lies.

Alan, you look like hell.

- Yeah, let's get you cleaned up. - No, I'm not getting cleaned up.

- You all need to know what's... - Steve! I'm so sorry to interrupt.

- Steve, I need to show you something. - No!

It's my turn to talk. Steve has been lying to me.

Lying to all of you.

He is not the Assistant Front Office Manager.

He is a bell captain. And that's it.

- What is he talking about? - I don't know, Susan.

He has been impersonating a manager, and that is a felony.

I don't think that's a felony.

Alan, you're very sweaty.

He led me to believe that he was up for a very specific job

and then he was parading it all around the hotel.

There are liability issues, ethics issues.

He should be fired!

Okay, all right. All right. Just hold on. Just calm down.

Stop the music.

What the hell is going on?

I have proof that Gunther is using Sanz Hand, Sanz Hand, Sanz Hands

hand sanitizer to brainwash his followers.

Let me see that.

You went into his room?

You broke into a guest's room?

I think that's a felony.

Well, yes but not because...

I told him to.

I was trying to prove that Gunther is conning everyone with Spirifresh.

Who the hell is Gunther?

That's not Gunther, that's Chief Macanopy. He's the guy who's buying the hotel from me.

Who's Chief Macanopy?

- This doesn't add up. - You're selling the hotel?

- Yes. - Will we get to keep our jobs?

We don't know. They're rebranding. We'll tell you later.

We got to get to that conference.

Wait.

He has to be fired.

You should be fired.

He should be fired.

Your smoked tilapia.

- Enjoy. - One demerit.

Put the money in the basket.

Mortgage your home.

Mortgage your children.

You got lovely children.

My kind of guy.

Management.

Oh.

Wait, wait! He should be fired!

- Alan. - Ah!

Oh my God. It's worse than we thought.

We'll do anything, if you give Gunther your money.

No, this is bad.

Stop. Stop!

Hey, stop it!

This man is a sham!

- Who is this guy? - Sit down!

I know you all want to make your lives better.

And I know you think this guy is going to do that. But he's not.

Okay?

What has he done for you?

What has he done for any of you?

What physical product has he actually provided?

- Let's get him! - Let's get him with some violence.

We don't rip him limb from limb. We do not attack. We are peaceful people, yeah?

Steve, the physical product is

the metaphysical being.

It's hard for him to learn.

What the hell does that mean? What are you clapping for?

Yes.

Why are you crying, man?

Okay. Okay.

Then what's with all the Sanz Hands hand sanitizer?

What's it called?

Sanz Hands hand sanitizer.

I believe in clean hands, guys.

You can't just clap for everything he says.

I'd like to clarify that. You can applaud everything I say. It's no problem.

Shh.

Okay, okay.

Well, Gunther, well, why do you have a thousand bottles of this stuff?

- Ew, gross. - Damn it, Josh.

OMG, that's hot.

- That right there, not appropriate. - Come on.

Ah-ha! That!

I suffer from mysophobia,

which is a fear of germs.

One that is debilitating.

Then I read the teachings of Khatkhate Baba who showed me the way of clean.

The way of the Sanz Hands hand sanitizer

which also was leading me on the path to Spirifresh.

Okay, if you buy in bulk, like larger bottles,

you could probably save a lot of money that way.

Just look at me, Josh.

It's like the Eskimo.

Like the Eskimos!

Thank you, Josh. We love him. We love you.

I love Josh. I love Josh. I love him here too.

Okay, this is classic behavior.

This is called poor conductor,

because he sees the choo-choo train,

a successful man is going and he wants to derail this poor conductor.

I know.

What the hell is the matter with you?

Boo this man.

- Boo. Shame! - Oh yeah.

Shame!

You think this is about me not being happy?

Let us ask Shteve. Say it out loud, Shteve.

- Shteve. - It's Steve.

Where were you 27 years ago, hmm?

I was training here as a bellman.

Are you in a successful relationship?

Have you accomplished any of your dreams?

Well Shteve, say it, Shteve.

Shteve.

That's not my name.

What does your father think of you, huh?

Okay, when you're ready, we're here for you.

Happy birthday.

Today could be the day that you get born.

Yeah?

I'm going to give you a brochure for Spirifresh.

Hmm.

Good, Shteve. Now, we have the new perfect people here and let's get to it.

I... I don't know exactly what you were trying to prove here,

but this... this... this is unacceptable.

Chief Macanopy, I got to tell you,

at the meeting I really prefer the headdress and the feathers and everything,

but right now you look thinner, you look great.

Oh, I love you. I love you.

You are fired.

And you're fired too, Joshua.

I was trying to save the hotel and this is what... Ah!

Hola .

Is there a guy named Steve here?

Oh, great.

Is there a gringo ?

Okay, I'm guessing Steve isn't here.

Good guess.

Steve.

The Steve you knew is long gone.

Around here my family calls me " idiota sin hogar ."

Your family? It's only been a couple of days.

Yeah, well we got close.

It's a little inside joke with the pueblo .

You heard the lady, I ain't leaving.

This is the new Steve, baby.

You know, donkeys can think for themselves.

That's why they're better than horses.

Here you go, buddy.

Ho-ho-ho-ho!

Remember when we used to eat out of the palm of our own hands?

Psyche, we never did.

I don't miss you at all.

Steve... Get out of my way, dude.

He's standing on my toes now.

Retreat.

Retreat.

You need to eat something.

Steve, you can't give up, man.

Why not?

I have nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

That's not true.

You know, I tried to end it all.

I bought a gun. I was going to shoot myself in the face.

Steve.

A couple of priests convinced me not to and stole my gun.

I think they were priests.

You got a lot to live for.

You got the job, the hotel.

After you left, Sid told Alan everyone makes mistakes.

He was way out of line for firing you.

Sid chased after you and tried to give you your job back, but you were already gone.

Sid chased after me?

Good guy.

What about Kelly?

She seems more sad than anything to be honest.

If you go back and tell her the truth...

Oh, dude. She knows the truth.

What's the point? We're all getting fired anyway.

Yeah, maybe.

Or maybe not.

I got an idea that can stop the sale and keep our jobs,

but you got to come back with me right now.

Look at me, I'm a mess.

Well, let's get you cleaned up, brother, starting with some clothes.

Do it for Steve.

Come on. Come on.

About time.

There we go.

Well, hello little lady, couldn't help...

Turn off, turn off. Why? Why?

Dude, why are you punching meat?

You just need to go back, make some apologies and fill out some paperwork.

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

I'll miss you most, carnicero.

For you family.

Hey, Josh.

Wow.

Look, I know I screwed up, man.

All right, you should've never trusted me.

But for what it's worth,

I thought you always had what it takes to make a great bellman.

Yeah, so?

I mean what's the difference now? This is my life.

I want to make things right.

I want to get our jobs back, go back to the way things were.

Why should I listen to you now?

I don't know, okay. I've been through some shit, man.

Gained some serious perspective.

I moved to Mexico, befriended a donkey...

Yeah, Steve, Steve. That's just it. It's all about you.

It's always all about you.

I mean, Steve is the quarterback and the defense

and everybody else is just cheerleaders.

Steve is the all-beef patty, and we're all just lettuce, tomato, onions.

Steve is the sun rotating around all of us stupid planets.

You're right, I was only thinking about what I wanted.

But it's not about me.

I get that now.

It's about us.

It's about you guys.

It's about the bellmen.

Also, you know the planets revolve around the sun, right?

Sure, Steve.

Whatever you say.

Yeah, well I do. So do a lot of people as it's a scientific fact.

It's actually making me think, you know, less of you when you say stuff like that.

Let's just go back to the hotel, huh?

All right. Oh, wait.

Do you happen to have any connections inside the bank?

The manager, I guess. He's the one who hired me.

Awesome. Can you introduce us?

Sure.

Hey Banky, this is Steve.

Shit. Nightshift.

You doing okay?

- Oh, hi Steve. - Hey, man.

Yeah, we kind of um, we kinda ran out of money.

- Ah... - We're broke. Okay, we spent all our money on Spirifresh.

Gunther promised us enlightenment.

And what did he deliver?

Hand sanitizer.

Brad.

Steve.

Surprised to see you here.

Well, I'm back.

And I want to make things right.

Looks like you got a promotion?

Yeah, when you left, Susan thought we needed

a new Assistant Front Office Manager, so.

Who's bell captain these days?

- I think Rhonda. - That makes sense.

She wrestled skinny Jeremy in Cashew milk.

I would've paid to see that.

What's up, kid?

Hey, Brad.

What's the plan?

No plan.

- You just going to wing it? - Yeah.

Michael's the reason I'm back here.

Truth be told I was very content in the desert with Steve.

You took up a lover?

No. Steve is my donkey.

I'm gonna ask you one more time.

You took up a lover?

Brad, I'm into people.

Mike. What's the game plan?

Well, I'm gonna tell you, but not here.

The bell closet.

- Seriously? - Yeah.

Fine. C'mon.

Wait, you and your donkey had the same name?

- So, what happens... - You gonna stay here right now?

Oh, God!

Hello, Alan.

Hi, Kelly.

I was just um, checking the floor for buoyancy.

I was spying on the bellmen.

Nice work, man.

27 years.

You got the files?

This is perfect.

All right, listen up guys, I need you to meet me here tonight.

Here in the bell closet?

No, the Spirifresh conference in the ballroom at 7:00 p.m.

Why did you need to tell us that here?

Oh, I didn't. I just hadn't seen this place in a while and figured this was my chance.

Ooh.

That was a friendship slap.

♪ Friend slap Baby, friend slap ♪

♪ Friend slap Baby, friend slap ♪

♪ Friend slap ♪

It was worth it.

It always is.

♪ Baby friend slap ♪

Guys, we got to go, we got to go. We got to get out of here.

♪ Friend slap ♪

Hey, what are you guys doing until 7:00?

Um, hello?

Hi, I'm Leroy.

I'm Alan.

Let's finish early tonight.

I want to get home.

Oh, I cannot do that for you because time is a construct of the mind.

So, I don't know when we're going to...

Fine. 9:00-9:30 latest.

Und the reason

that Snoopy und Woodstock never speak to the other Peanuts

is because Snoopy and Woodstock

are the ghosts of dead children.

What am I doing here? I sign the contracts tomorrow.

Mr. Whitman, before you sign anything there's something you need to see.

And I ask you, who controls your heart?

Hmm. It's not who you think. It's you.

- Steve controls our heart. - No, that was a separate thought.

Today is the day that I prove to my friends and previous employers

that I am worthy of not just a paycheck.

But a journey of responsibility.

I have proof that Gunther is going to sign a deal

to buy the hotel tomorrow and he's going to turn it into an Indian Casino.

- Who cares? - He's making us perfect.

Gunther is not even Native American.

Nor does he have the collateral for the loan.

He's a fraud. I have here in my hand...

He has no proof.

Proof.

Oh, wow. He's got proof.

This is his birth certificate.

Look at this, he's not Chief Macanopy.

His name isn't even Gunther Gochamonet, which is a little on the nose.

This is his business license.

You'll notice he misspelled LLC.

All fake. It means nothing without my Lender Agreement from the bank.

And this is his Lender Agreement from the bank.

Shite!

And we have Banky to thank for that info. Give Banky a round of applause.

He is scamming you, he is scamming the great state of Arizona,

he is scamming the great city of Tucson, and Sid, he's scamming you.

This is a bunch of BS... pardon my language.

Because I'll tell you right now, this is fake.

And there's a whole other point of view, in which what I said was true.

I'm just sick of the white man's lies.

Sister, you and me both, yeah?

Very different story than what you hear right now from this...

Guess what? Psycho big bird's the one been stealing all the robes.

That could be any robe anywhere.

- No, that is the robes... - It could be from any place.

- Those are our robes. - That's... this is not...

I will not be part of this... I will not be a witch hunt.

Stop him!

Told you he jumps a hell of a lot.

Holy G! Is that...?

Sauggie!

The cactus.

Sauggie's back. Sauggie's finally back.

But how did you find all of this out?

Yucopicio's been trailing Gunther for months.

He's a double agent for the Indian Gaming Commission.

Sauggie, he's a triple agent.

Conditions were tough.

We almost lost them.

Now that the case has been cracked,

something tells me things are going to get a little bit easier for Sauggie.

Right, buddy? Ah, prick.

Take him away, Banky.

Now, needless to say, this deal is off.

You know what? I'm not moving down to Florida with my wife.

I'm staying right here in Tucson.

Guys, guys, I found out who's been stealing the robes. It was Gunther.

Nice work, Alan. You do a good job around here.

Aw, thanks.

Well it looks like everything's wrapped up the way it should...

Kelly.

- Who's Kelly? - Chief Concierge.

Her and Steve used to date.

Kelly, uh,

I need you to know that I have a crush on you,

like, I like you more than a friend.

I have dreams about you.

Not like weird, like sexual dreams.

Dreams of like taking you out for dinner, or spending time with you on a Sunday.

I want to be with you, Kelly. I want...

Now, come on now, Kelly. Give him a chance.

I don't know, Patty. I mean, I'm not sure he's ready...

Shut up, bitch!

Thanks, Patty.

- Getting held up at gunpoint... - Shut up and just go get her.

So, 27 years.

♪ I can't stop lovin' you ♪

♪ Yeah, I'll follow This whole thing through ♪

♪ So I know you feel it too ♪

Did you know Steve and Kelly had something going on?

It's the first time I'm hearing about it.

This is... this is terribly inappropriate with misconduct.

Ah, Susan. Love is love.

Did you know Alan and Susan had something going on too?

They're great. They've always been a thing.

I am married with many, many, many children, but this makes sense.

It's a happy ending for everyone.

What do we do now?

Who are we supposed to give our money to now?

If you haven't already, download the Bravo tipping app,

and send your money to me, Josh.

Josh?

Josh, guys, Josh.

I'm gonna app Josh.

Bravo! Bravo!

I sent all my money to Josh.

Steve, if you'd like that promotion, the job of manager is yours.

Thank you, Susan. But I like being a bellman.

A lot.

Yes.

Plus, Brad's doing a pretty bang up job.

Thanks, man.

Oh, that reminds me. I almost forgot.

Josh, I hereby decree that you have successfully completed stage three.

When?

When you helped us save the hotel!

Congrats, Josh.

You are officially a bellman.

Oh.

Congratulations, stupid idiot.

Finally, one of us.

- Yeah, stupid idiot. - Know your place.

Josh, Josh, Josh, Josh, Josh!

Wait,

so the third stage was you pretending to get a promotion to get Kelly back,

and the guys falling into the trap of a con artist

who manipulates his followers out of money,

while also lying about his heritage in order to buy the hotel

and me having to figure all that out was the final stage of becoming a bellman?

- Yeah. - Spot on, dude.

Yeah, that's pretty much the plot of this movie.

Rolling. Mark, and action.

She wrestled boney Jeremy. Hold on. I got this.

Who's bell captain these days?

Tight Rhonda. That wasn't it.

Who cares, he's shaking his head.

She wrestled skinny Jeremy.

- Do that one again. - Yeah.

If you want to go back and live the sweet bellman life, that's fine with me,

but God damn it, I got a donkey and he's body checking me.

There's plenty of me to go around, baby.

Oh, Steve.

Eat it, man. We practiced this. Come on, my fucking friends are watching.

Do it. Do it. Do it.

Listen, listen, dude.

Do it. Do it.

A kid and a goat, laughter is not something...

No. Cool.

He like gave me notes like as if these lines made sense.

What the fuck? Okay.

Congratulations, baby.

Thanks, Patty.

That's so great. We getting fucked up tonight.

- Oh, you know that, girl. - Shots, shots, shots.

Shteve is a real human being.

Forgot that you were there and the cameras were on.

You wanna fuck?

Sure.

All right, let's cut.

You knew, you knew this was going to happen.

I mean, obviously.