Original subtitles

[tense techno music]

[otherworldly electronica music]

[crickets chirping]

[thunder rumbling]

- You suffer from a laundry list of maladies.

ADD, schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder,

just to name a few.

And your condition is so acute, it's absurd.

You're tethering on the edge.

[crickets chirping]

And to make things worse,

you smell like you've been sleeping

on a two-week-old placenta.

You're a complete disaster.

[electronic reverberation]

- You so funny.

[exclaiming excitedly]

I guess I am a little kooky and weird, huh?

But I kinda like it.

Ooh!

[grunting disgustedly]

- Listen, you're in your manic phase,

and there's nothing charming about that.

- I can't help it.

I love everybody, and everybody, they love me.

I love you, too, even though you're being a Debbie Downer.

[exclaiming happily]

- It is not love, it's sickness!

- Turn that frown upside down, Dumbo.

We have to get together and change the world

with happiness and fun times.

Join me, why won't you?

- I'm not joining you anywhere, you filthy lunatic.

You're a danger to yourself and to others!

- Dangerously sexy and salacious.

Ooh, naughty boys and girls.

Oh, ooh! [exclaiming lustily]

[growling menacingly]

[humming cheerfully]

- I'm so sexy, I'm so wonderful, I'm so salacious.

La, la, la, la, la la!

Oo, oo, oo, oo, oo, oo, oo, oo.

- This should remedy your hyperactivity.

[humming happily]

[dramatic music]

- Hm?

- That's right, this brilliant medical professional

has asserted complete control.

[menacing laughter]

This will stop you from struggling,

I don't want you to hurt yourself.

[exclaiming questioningly]

Ah, yes.

Subjugation is the finest cure.

[inhaling deeply]

[exhaling calmly]

[otherworldly music]

[phone ringing]

[Doctor Sado sighing contentedly]

[phone ringing]

[Doctor Sado exclaiming excitedly]

- Hello, my voluptuous vampiress.

[Temptress coughing sickly]

- [Temptress] Doctor Sado, I can't come in,

I'm, [sneezing loudly] I'm really sick.

- Oh no, Temptress!

Should I come by with some chicken soup?

I hate to see you under the weather.

Maybe I can prescribe some TLC

to nurse you back to health, huh?

[moaning loudly]

- Oh my god!

[coughing heavily]

No, no, no, I'm sorry, I'm really contagious.

I just really think I need to take a day of rest

and really get on top of it.

- [Doctor Sado] Okay, sexy.

Just take it easy then, but call me later.

I'm concerned for the welfare

of that vivaciously alluring body.

- You promise?

I just don't want you to get this cat scratch fever.

[moaning excitedly]

Ah fuck!

[aroused gasping]

Okay, Sven, I really want to get nailed,

and your tip'll depend on it.

- Don't worry, baby, I'm digging in with my delicious claws.

I know you like it deep.

- Oh, yes!

Oh my god, Sven!

[gasping excitedly]

Oh, fuck yeah, really dig into that stuffed crust!

[moaning excitedly]

Fuck!

[signing unhappily]

- Well, this is shaping up to be

a demoralizing shitty fucking morning!

I need my daily affirmation.

- Hello, I'm Galactica Darkstar.

Welcome to the Whorecast for the New Nihilistic Reality.

Today we'll be talking about your vagina.

What is it doing, what does it want to be doing,

and what is it telling you

about whether you want to live or die?

We'll begin by picking up our phones and dialing

69

69

420

fuck you.

Hello, I'd like to make a collect call!

Hello, this is Galactica Darkstar.

I have my period.

Do you have your period?

Please leave your message at the sound of my period.

[noisy slurping]

Goodbye.

- She always finds a way to cheer me up.

[sighing contentedly]

♪ Sexy ferret, sexy ferret

♪ Sexy ferret, sexy ferret

♪ Sexy ferret, sexy ferret

♪ Sexy ferret, sexy ferret

♪ Sexy ferret, sexy ferret

♪ Sexy ferret, sexy ferret

♪ Sexy ferret, sexy ferret

♪ Sexy ferret

- Is my next patient here yet?

- No.

- Is Iggy here?

- Who?

- The metrosexual hunchback!

You've met him a thousand times already!

- You mean the gross guy with the fucked up face

who thinks he's prettier than me?

- Yes, has he come in yet?

- Well lets see.

He told me to forget that he was leaving

with a girl's head and a TV set,

[Doctor Sado sighing deeply]

and then mentioned something

about a romantic walk on the beach.

[soothing beach music]

[waves crashing]

[sea birds crying]

But then he told me that he was doing

some important test that you told him to do

that requires him to be outside of the office.

[growling angrily]

- That deformed abomination.

This is the thanks I get

for letting him keep his stupid pet head!

- Oh, and Temptress told me to tell you

that she was at The SkratchBarr.

[surprised shriek]

I mean, she told me not to tell you

that she was at The SkratchBarr.

Well, one of those.

[Doctor Sado sighing]

- My beautiful Temptress, getting her back clawed

by those lascivious men down at The SkratchBarr.

I will not have it!

It make my blood boil!

- But wait, what do I do with that weird guy in your office?

- What the hell?

Have you been eating the lead paint again?

If you weren't the best friend of Temptress,

I swear I'd have you drawn and quartered!

I thought you said my next patient wasn't here yet!

- But he's not in here, he's in there!

- Trixie, you paid too much for that lobotomy.

- And I didn't get no lobotomies.

- Don't give me no lip!

[door creaking loudly]

I'm sorry I'm late, Mister Knapp.

Good help is so hard to find.

- I've been sitting here forever!

And what the hell is that?

[dramatic music]

- That is an ordinary floor lamp.

- But that floor lamp has been

hitting on me this entire time.

- That's absurd, this floor lamp is 100% subjugated.

It would be impossible for him to break his conditioning.

Isn't that right, lamp?

- [Floor Lamp] Yes, Mistress.

I'm just an ordinary floor lamp and I am so turned on.

- See, you're imagining things,

and that's why you're here, right?

So stop fraternizing with my furniture

and let's get down to the brass tacks!

- Okay, I guess I've been really stressed out.

- When you called me yesterday,

you said you were suffering from night visions?

- Well, I didn't want to say anything on the phone

because it's way more serious than that,

but either I'm going insane

or this thing from my nightmares

is actually trying to kill me.

- Don't get your panties all in a bunch.

Let's start by evaluating your sleep schedule.

- In the day, I'm always on auditions,

and at night I work at a bookstore,

so I guess you can say my circadian rhythm's outta sync.

- A book shop at night, eh?

- The Porno Chateau, that's where I saw your ad.

- So, what kind of auditions are keeping you up?

[laughing devilishly]

- I'm an erotic porn star.

I'm a classic leading man, like Johnny Depp.

Look out world, here I come!

Show me that spotlight, show me the drama!

Turn to the left, turn to the right!

You can't stop me, give me that paparazzi!

Look at this face, look at this talent!

- Dial it down, De Niro!

- Okay, I'm sorry.

I've been drinking a lot of cappuccinos lately

because I've been trying to stay awake.

Every time I fall asleep, I have these nightmares.

There's this ugly woman that's trying to kill me.

She's got a long face and creepy long nails.

She once told me her name was Frida K-Hole.

[dramatic organ music]

She keeps taunting me and tells me horrible dad jokes.

But the worse part is when she gets close to me,

she actually cuts me and I wake up with actual wounds, see?

- Sleep-related hallucinations

are imagined events that feel very real.

But I assure you, they are merely manifestations

of your dream anxiety disorder, or DAD.

And those gashes on your arm,

you've heard of sleep walkers,

well you, my dear, are a sleep cutter, a very serious case.

- No, I'm not a cutter!

If I go to sleep, she's gonna kill me.

- Stop being hysterical.

I can cure you right now using waking dream therapy.

I simply aid you to fall into a state of waking dream,

and then I use guided imagery to deeply explore your psyche.

Together, we can conquer these shadowy fears.

All you have to do is empty your mind and concentrate.

Just relax.

Watch the thingy go back and forth, and back and forth.

- I can't do this!

If I fall asleep, she's gonna kill me!

- Don't be such a worry wart, all right?

Just relax, 'kay?

Back and forth, back and forth.

Think about pleasant memories of your childhood,

like Christmas morning.

- I hate Christmas, I never got the cha cha heels I wanted!

[crying sadly]

- Listen, just trust me, all right?

I'll be behind you the whole time.

- I can't do this, it's never gonna work.

[frying pan ringing]

- And into the fire!

[laughing maniacally]

[electronic reverberation]

[ominous music]

- Oh my God, this is beautiful, so much cake!

This is my most favorite food in the entire world.

Whoa!

Well, I guess I can cheat on my paleo diet this one time.

- [Cake Monster] Don't you know,

processed sugar will kill ya!

[surprised gasp]

[laughing mockingly]

- Oh no, I'm in the dreamland!

This totally sucks!

Doctor Sado, aren't you supposed to be here

to guide me or something?

- [Frida] I'll be your tour guide, bitch!

[corrupted evil laughing]

- [Knapp] Please, Doctor Sado, where are you?

- [Frida] I'm here to make your Hollywood dreams come true!

All the best actors become more famous after they die!

- [Knapp] Doctor Sado, get me outta here!

Doctor Sado!

Help me, Doctor Sado!

Help, where am I?

- Mister Knapp, you need to stop running

and stand up to your fears.

- [Knapp] She's right behind me, she's gonna kill me!

- You can run, but your big ass can't hide!

- There's a hidden door to your right.

Take it!

- [Mr. Knapp] I see the door!

Here I go!

- Okay, I bought you some time.

Take this moment to empower yourself,

so we can face freedom.

- But Frida's a monster, how am I supposed to defeat her?

- Lets fight fire with fire, eh?

You're an actor, right?

Become your own super monster, it will be your finest role.

- What kind of super monster?

- Well, what's your favorite Hollywood monster?

- Well, I've always liked the classics.

- Good, now pick one and give it your best qualities.

What makes you so special?

What's going to make you the next mega celebrity?

- Well, I am the most fabulous person I know.

- Now be the most fabulous monster.

You can do it, just concentrate and visualize!

[breathing deeply]

- I'm fierce, I'm fabulous.

I'm fierce, I'm fabulous!

I'm fierce, I'm fabulous!

I'm fierce, I'm fabulous!

[dolphin vocalizing]

[high-pitched whine]

I'm Fagenstein, I'm Fagenstein, I'm Fagenstein.

I'm Fagenstein.

["Body Bag Bondage" by Despite Loyalty]

Look at these fabulous frocks,

these juicy lips, this shiny bling.

I'm the fabulous green dream machine.

- I think you're ready to fight back.

[electronic crackling]

[crowd yelling and cheering]

- And now, the dream fight you all been waiting for.

In this corner, from the depths of hell,

with razor claws of humiliation,

the demoness of nightmares, the mother that takes,

she will tear you to shreds while reading your threads,

the dream queen of the year and the defending champion

who is always ready to cut a bitch, Frida K-Hole!

[crowd clapping]

[Frida snarling]

And in this corner, from the gutters of Hollywood,

wearing red thigh-high hooker boots,

looking like the love child

of the Green Giant and the Great Gazoo,

a sassy cashier from the Porno Chateau,

and a wannabe actor who only do little bit parts

in crappy YouTube videos, Fagenstein.

[Doctor Sado clapping]

[crickets chirping]

- [clearing throat] Boo.

- Doctor Sado, Doctor Sado, did you hear the announcer?

Frida's a freakin' demon from the depths of hell.

Maybe those YouTube videos are pretty crappy.

I'm a loser, I just can't do this.

- Listen, stupid, fear is the mind killer, okay?

Remember who you are, remember about your powers.

You're fierce, you're fabulous.

Now I want you to get in there

and send that two-bit, ugly, no-talent ho scumbag

down to hell where she belongs!

[upbeat funky music]

[fight bell ringing]

[crowd cheering]

[Frida growling menacingly]

- Well, I see you got a shitty little makeover.

I bet you feel fresh and expensive.

But really, you're fresh out of the 99-cent store.

You're so pathetic.

You're a joke, you deserve your own laugh track.

[Frida and crowd laughing]

[Frida growling]

- Fear is in the mind of the killer.

You're just a manifestation of my self-doubt.

You're not real.

Shut your K-Hole, you stupid bitch!

[Frida gasping in surprise]

[fight bell ringing] Damn, that felt good!

[crowd jeering and booing]

- Ugh, that stupid little dick head!

I don't get where she gets all this confidence from.

I've been whittling down his soul for weeks!

It was in the bag!

- Aw, poor baby get a spankin'?

Get it together, Petunia!

You're giving us demon queens a bad name.

You know his confidence is tomfoolery.

Can't you tell, or have you lost your black magic touch?

- I haven't lost anything.

That rat sucking, sniveling worm slapped me!

I'm still the baddest demon around!

I've been toying with him long enough,

it's time to put the final nail in the coffin.

Time to pull the curtain on her final--

- Mm-hmm, all right, we get it.

Now, go out there and show

that little Stinkenstein who's boss.

- Okay.

Butterfly kisses?

Okay!

[upbeat funky music]

[fight bell ringing]

- Want some more of this?

I float like a vampire bat, I sting like a bitch!

[Frida laughs mockingly]

[Fagenstein grunting]

[Frida laughing]

[Fagenstein screaming in pain]

- Welcome to prime time, bitch!

Now is your moment to shine.

I'm gonna make you a star.

[Frida grunting]

[Fagenstein gasping painfully]

[fight bell ringing]

- What's happening?

You said all I have to do is have self-confidence,

and now I'm fucking dying!

- Calm your tits, you're not going to die

from those tiny little scratches.

Acting confident is different from being confident.

As long as you believe in yourself,

she could never hurt you.

Her words are just a mirage,

and you giving her all the power.

Don't buy into what she be saying, huh?

- But I'm bleeding and it hurts!

No one can get self-confidence outta nowhere.

- But that's the way they did it in the '80s movies.

Wait a minute!

This will pump you up.

Maestro!

["Warrior" by Val Killmore]

[upbeat rock music]

♪ Caught in a turn as my mind fades away ♪

♪ I feel the after strain

♪ Got to get ready for everyone ♪

♪ I'll have to go it on my own

♪ From being hip now, chance to being petrified ♪

♪ There so body and mind, hard and calcified ♪

♪ And I can't sleep at night

♪ Turns up in demon eyes

♪ I'll go waste away

♪ It'll be the prime of my life ♪

♪ I'm bathing in the midnight moon 'cause I'm a warrior ♪

♪ I'm driven by the smell of blood 'cause I'm a warrior ♪

♪ Not swayed by the fear of God 'cause I'm a warrior ♪

♪ Dancing on the highest mountain, I'm a warrior ♪

♪ I'm a warrior

♪ Warrior

♪ I'm a warrior

♪ Warrior

♪ I'm a warrior

♪ Warrior

[electric zapping]

[electric zapping]

[electric zapping]

♪ I'm a warrior

[electricity crackling]

[crowd yelling and cheering]

[fight bell ringing]

[electricity crackling]

- Let the fisting begin!

[Frida grunting loudly]

[Frida grunting in pain]

Damn, you're one ugly bitch!

- Thank you.

[Frida screaming]

[high-pitched whine]

[Frida screaming]

[loud crashing]

[loud clanging]

[fight bell ringing]

- I did it, I did it, Doctor Sado!

[crowd cheering]

I can't wait to wake up and be the warrior!

I'm gonna conquer the mother fuckin' world!

[electronic reverberation]

[Knapp gasping]

Oh my God, that was so intense!

What an amazing experience!

Doctor Sado, your dream therapy cured me,

now I can take Hollywood by storm!

[Knapp grunting in pain]

Ow, my tummy, why does it sting?

[Knapp screaming in pain]

Holy fuck, it wasn't just a nightmare!

It was all real!

The stakes were high!

I could have actually died!

But I didn't, I defeated the demon!

- Don't be stupid, stupid.

There's no such thing as demons.

It really was a nightmare.

But don't worry, I'll make sure you never have one again.

[suspenseful music]

[Doctor Sado screaming viciously]

[tense techno music]

- [Voiceover] Stay tuned for more horrific

and perverted adventures of Doctor Sado

and her obscene cabal in Sado Psychiatrist!

[maniacal laughing]

[tense techno music]