All language subtitles for Review s02e10_English

Life--it's literally
all we have.

But is it any good?

I'm a reviewer,

but I don't review food,

books, or movies.

I review life itself.

[screams]

[triumphant music]

[parrot squawks]

*

Over here.

*

Hello,
and welcome to Review.

I'm Forrest MacNeil,
still reviewing life experiences

despite having a real rough go
of it lately.

In case you missed it,
a viewer

recently asked me to kill
someone, and...

now, a man is dead.

(A.J.)
But look on the bright side.

You're not going to jail
for murder.

Well,

I wish that were a bright side
that I could look on,

but I--I actually--I
may be going to jail for murder.

Right now, I'm just out on bail,
awaiting trial, so...

Well, okay.

But look on
another bright side.

Being out on bail means
you get to do more reviews.

Oh, yeah.

Our next review comes
from Nicole in Mansfield, Ohio.

"My neighbor made herself
an outfit from a trash can

"and mumbles
about the CIA all the time.

"She seems really happy,
but it's hard to tell for sure.

What's it like to believe
in a conspiracy theory?"

Okay.

What's it like to believe
in a conspiracy theory?

All right.

(Forrest voice-over)
My first step was to attend
a lecture

by a controversial author.

I was clearly entering a world
of fear, obsession,

and probably madness.

(man)
Airplane mode is a joke.

It is a dangerous time

because the Illuminati is
coming up with various methods

to bring about
the Fourth Reich.

Controlling the weather,

detonating underwater nukes
to cause tsunamis.

(Forrest voice-over)
Listening to this man
ascribe all the word's tragedies

to a shadowy
underground network,

I began to grasp the appeal
of believing in conspiracies.

Perhaps it would be nice
to think that life's misfortunes

aren't simply random,

but are instead the work

of a villain who can be
smoked out and defeated.

Which brings us
to the Interdimensional Bigfoot.

(Forrest)
I understand better than anyone

that the randomness
of life can be scary.

Thanks to this television show,

my entire existence
is given over to random chance.

Gina, from Toluca Lake
has a question.

What would it be
like to kill a person?

What's it
like to be a cult leader?

What's it like
to be kicked in the balls?

And when you really
think about it,

things
haven't always gone so well.

[gunfire]
Ah!

I am infested with sea lice!

[screaming]

[gagging]

I'm having a heart attack,
you guys.

Ow!
[screaming]

Maybe it would feel
better to believe

that the difficult experiences
I've had on this show

were not the product
of pure blind, random chance.

Is there any reason
to think that something else

might be going on?

Well, let's find out.

Mm-hmm.

Wow.

Yeah.

That's a lot
of dangerous reviews, isn't it?

Look at how many times
I've almost died.

I mean, that's really
surprising to me.

It's 11 times.

I've almost died 11 times?

Oh, my God.
It's so many.

No, that's a lot
of times.

That's a lot of times
to almost die.

I'm looking at this,

and I'm thinking to myself,

"When you consider
all the dangerous things

that I've been asked
to do...

How can that be random?"

[suspenseful music]

Can that really be random?

Maybe somebody's trying
to kill you.

(Forrest voice-over)
The suggestion
was ridiculous and silly.

- No, but...
- And yet...

What is going on? I mean
that's an incredible list.

[Tina sighs]

(Josh)
I mean, like,
maybe it's just,

like, cool stuff.

Oh, somebody definitely
wants to kill you.

That's a bummer.

- Have a good one.
- We'll miss you.

- Yeah.
- Don't do anything dangerous.

[chuckles]

Good night.

I'm gonna go too.
Good night, Forrest.

My producer, Grant, oversees
every aspect of this show,

and he has assured me that
the Review selection process

is totally random,

but I'm starting
to wonder about that now.

[suspenseful music]

What if Grant has chosen
all of the assignments

that have hurt me so much?

I need to know if that's true.

[jiggling doorknob]

[grunts]

[crash]

Come on.

*

Well, you certainly learn a lot
about a person

when you ransack their office.

Grant takes three different
kinds of fish oil supplement.

Seems like an awful lot
of fish oil.

He also subscribes to a magazine
here that seems to be nothing

but photos
of antiquated medical equipment.

I think that's real weird,

but this
is what really interests me.

This is called
the "Submissions Master List."

Now, this is a list of hundreds

of Review topics that have been
sent in to the show.

"What's it like to fall in love
with a snowman?"

"What's it
like to name a dolphin?"

Now, every single one that
I have done is circled here.

I believe this is the document

from which Grant chose all
of the reviews that I have done.

This is the smoking gun.

(Forrest voice-over)
But the more time
I spent looking into Review,

the more questions I had.

Okay.
Here's the problem.

Grant choosing all the reviews
does not explain

all the terrible things
that have happened to me.

Look at this.

"What's it like to spend a night
at a haunted house?"

That got me stabbed
in the belly by an old lady.

[screaming]

Why did that happen?

Or this, here.

"What's it like to spend
an afternoon on a rowboat?"

Like, that should've
been a delightful experience,

but I fell asleep,

and my oars disappeared.

Where are the oars?

So either I am
the unluckiest person

in the world,

or Grant is not just
choosing these reviews.

What if he's orchestrating
everything?

And I got another problem.

When I was buried alive here
for 24 hours,

I almost died
because Josh and Tina

forgot where they buried me.

How do you forget
where you buried a living man?

I got to get out of here!

They're in on it.

And so is Lucille.

Jesus [bleep] Christ.

Holy [bleep].

Jesus [bleep].

Jesus [bleep] Christ!

It's a conspiracy.

Hi. I need a room.

I need a quiet room
in the back, okay?

Hey, if anybody calls,
I'm not here, you understand?

(Forrest voice-over)
I could no longer
sleep in my office

as there was glass everywhere,

and I believed my coworkers

were conspiring to kill me
on national television,

so I holed up
in a remote roadside motel

to carefully think things
through

over a period
of several days and nights.

Oh, God! Oh, God!
Oh, [bleep].

Oh, [bleep].
Oh, [bleep].

There. See that?
See, the fire extinguisher

was just out of my reach, just
past where I could reach it,

and then the house
burned down because of that.

Was Grant able to see me
as a little person and figure

out how high I could reach
and then go to my dad's house

and say, "Okay, I'll put
the fire extinguisher right here

"so his little hands

can only reach that high
and not reach it"?

And this is me.

I'm sadder than that.

What kind of a monster
would make my dad homeless

for a television show?
That son of a bitch.

(Forrest voice-over)
Grant was obviously
behind everything.

Every bad thing
that happened was him.

Of course, of course.

(woman)
Forrest, I've often wondered.

What would it be
like to kill a person?

My question is what would it be
like to kill a person?

[click]
To kill a person.

(Forrest voice-over)
The truth
I now knew was so huge,

I could not bear it alone.

I would need to visit
my ex-wife, Suzanne,

at her mother's house.

I would need to get help.

I haven't been to the bathroom
in 14 hours.

Don't let anybody in the door.

- Forrest, go away!
- Okay.

I just--I have something
that I need to explain to you

that's gonna change absolutely
everything, okay? Just please.

Please, this is the last thing
I will ever ask of you.

- What is all this?
- This is all gonna

help you understand
what's happening, okay?

- Great. Come on in.
- All right. There's a lot

to walk you through here,
and all of it is important,

and it's hard
to know where to start.

The first clue that I had that
something was wrong was this.

This is a list
of every single review

that has ever been
sent in to the show,

and all of the ones
that I've done are circled.

Do you know who circled them?

- Grant?
- Yes, exactly.

He told me it was all random.

Keep your voice down,
please.

You're gonna wake
up Eric and my mom.

(Forrest voice-over)
I laid out all of my evidence
to Suzanne.

All the pain.

My review of having
a perfect body, okay?

Oh, [bleep].
What is this?

And my penis has never been
the same since then.

No. [bleep].
Is it still like that?

I had the thing taken out,
but it's still weird.

It's like there's too much skin
now 'cause the implant came out.

Let me just show it to you
so you have a sense of--

Move on!
I don't want to see it.

Fine. All right.
Fine, fine, fine.

I don't think that that was
any normal magic eight ball.

I think Grant
was controlling it.

- Okay.
- Why did a pillow fight

have to become so violent?

And it turned into
a [bleep] bloodbath.

This was supposed
to be a show about life, okay?

Grant turned it into a show
about death. My death.

That's what's happening here.

And so I'm gonna tell him
I have figured it out.

This is not what I signed on
for, and I am out of here,

and I'm going back to my wife
and my kid,

and I'm going back
to my old life.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Forrest,

I think it's really simple.

You signed on to
an insane television show,

and then you constantly
put that show above your needs

and the people
that you love.

I'm just not seeing
this evil plan.

The only person that you need
to be afraid of is yourself.

Oh.
[scoffs]

I'm gonna prove I'm right,
and then I'll be back!

(Forrest voice-over)
If I was going to convince
Suzanne of my conspiracy theory,

there was one more thing
I needed to know.

Why? Why was Grant
trying to destroy me?

What had I ever done to him?

This question plunged me deeper
into the darkness

where I made a shocking
and upsetting discovery.

I've been doing some research
here on HTML, ww.google.com.

There's no trace of Grant
anywhere on the internet

prior to 1995.

It's like he does not exist.

Now, 1995 happens to be
the same year

that this woman supposedly
married a Chinese guy

and disappeared to Hong Kong.

This is Gretchen Edelberg,
and she had a really big crush

on Suzanne when we
were all in college together.

You see where I'm going
with this?

Gretchen, okay, Grant.

Gretchen, Grant.

Gruh, Gruh, Gruh.

She didn't move to Hong Kong.

She got a sex change.

He loves Suzanne so much,
after all this time,

that he's gone
completely crazy.

Get out of here,
you son of a bitch!

(Forrest voice-over)
Now that everything
finally made sense,

it was time to confront
the monster in his lair.

Of course
he's not gonna open that gate

because he knows
that I know the truth,

and he's too much
of a [bleep] coward.

Hey, you're too much
of a [bleep] coward

to look me in the eye--
oh, [bleep, bleep]!

Oh, God.
All right.

Come on.
Let's go.

- You [bleep] monster.
- Forrest.

I know everything now.
[bleep].

- What a nice surprise.
- No.

- The guy's will bring it in.
- Ah, [bleep].

I've figured it all out,
and I'm quitting the show!

Again?

Everything you've tried
to hide from me

is out in the open now.

You've ruined my life
for the last time, Gretchen.

You bitch.

This should be good.

(Forrest voice-over)
I wasted no time

unleashing the full weight
of all my damning evidence.

Feel the walls of deception

that you've built up
around yourself crumbling.

You're at your producer's
house. I'm Grant.

- You remember who I am, right?
- [laughing] Oh, yeah.

(Forrest voice-over)
I forced Grant

to come face-to-face
with what I now knew.

The submissions master list.

I've seen how all the reviews
I've done are circled.

Okay. This is a list
I went through last week

of all the reviews
that we've done already,

and I circled them.

No.

So I could tell
the IT guys

to avoid any duplicates
because that time

that murder came up again,

I felt like
we'd let you down.

Liar.

Are you telling me this wasn't
one of your paid assassins?

Are you serious?

- How about that?
- Nope.

That one
of your paid assassins?

No.

'Cause I know you did this.

What is this a drawing of?

(Forrest voice-over)
Grant demonstrated
incredible cool under pressure,

offering sensible sounding
explanations for everything,

but I saved my most
explosive accusation for last.

There's one more picture
I want to show you.

- Oh, great.
- This is the one

you really don't want to see.

- Oh, I want to see it.
- Because it's an old picture.

It's an old picture...

Let's see it.

Of you.

You were so pretty.

- Now, who is this?
- Ooh, you're good.

Was I cropped
out of this picture?

You're Gretchen, and you
turned yourself into Grant.

You went from this to this
to this.

(Forrest voice-over)
Finally, the sheer weight
of my evidence wore Grant down.

Okay, fine.

I'm gonna tell you
exactly what's going on.

No more hiding anything.

Now, have a seat.
It's my turn to talk.

(Forrest voice-over)
What he said next completely
blew my mind.

People are constantly asking
you to review dangerous things

because they already know
what the easy stuff is like.

They can do that themselves.

Living on the edge like this,
things will go wrong.

People will get hurt,
and that is part

of what we need you to help
us understand about life.

I need you!

Why would I want you dead?

You know what?

Besides all that,
I like you,

and I know
I don't always show it,

but the fact
is I consider you a friend.

(Forrest voice-over)
By the time
Grant put the final nail

in the coffin
of my conspiracy theory

by showing me a photo
of himself growing up as a boy

in the delightfully named town
of Sandwich, Massachusetts,

it was not necessary.

Sandwich, Massachusetts.

That's what they called it.

You were always a boy?

[sobbing]
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- I'm really sorry.
- It's gonna be all right.

- What are you doing?
- It's okay.

I'm just trying to hug you.

Come here. Come here.

I'm sorry.

There we go.

There we go.

(Forrest voice-over)
Letting go of my conspiracy
theory was bittersweet.

It's always nice to hear
that you're not the target

of a murder plot,

but I no longer had an easy
explanation for my miseries.

As long
as I do this important work,

I will suffer,

and my old life
will remain in the past.

But great men
have always made sacrifices,

and I know that I, with the help
of my treasured viewers

and making the world
a better place,

one review at a time.

People do sometimes conspire
and sometimes with bad intent,

but to accuse anyone
of that on flimsy, outrageous,

or bizarre evidence
is an act of great cruelty.

So I would like to apologize
to my producer and best friend,

Grant.

I give believing
in a conspiracy theory

half a star.

A.J., do we have time
for one more review?

- Yes.
- And what is that?

This one comes from Miles
in Sandwich, Massachusetts.

- Really?
- Uh-huh.

- Huh.
- Hey, Forrest,

what's it like to be hunted?

What's it like to be...
hunted?

Yeah.

What's it like to, uh...

what's it like
to be hunted?

I know it's possible I'm just
having some residual paranoia

from my conspiracy theory
experience,

but what is it
like to be hunted?

And the person
asking this question

is from Grant's hometown.

Lucille, what is the population
of Sandwich,

Massachusetts, please?

You probably
shouldn't be here,

'cause your hunter
knows where you work.

What hunter?

Grant asked me to hire
a former Navy seal to hunt you.

What? Why?
What do you mean?

You never do anything
like that without me

specifically asking you to
please do something like that.

- What is going on right now?
- Grant thought it would be best

if I hired him so you

wouldn't know what he looked
like or anything about him.

Hey, Mr. MacNeil,
do you want us to help you

hide or something?

Or if he gets you,

do you want us to bury you
in that same spot?

And follow-up question:
do you remember where that was?

Oh, my God.

It's all true.

You goddamn bunch of jackals
are really trying to kill me.

Well, listen to me.

I survived on garbage
in the middle of the ocean.

I scratched my way
out of the grave.

You think you can kill me?

Nothing can kill me!

- I'm not afraid of anything!
- Oh, my God. There he is!

Aah!
[laughter]

You [bleep] monsters!

I've got to get out of this hell
you made for me.

I'm gonna
do it [bleep] right now!

Those are my keys.

[suspenseful music]

*

Suzanne, I know now for sure.

The show
is definitely trying to kill me,

and I'm leaving it for real,
for good,

and I'm coming to get you,
okay?

I will explain it
when I get there.

Hey, no! No! No!

*

Okay.
Are we rolling?

'Cause there he is.
There he is.

That's Forrest in the car

that he stole
from his executive assistant,

Lucille,

and he's now approaching
a cameraman

who I positioned there
in the road,

and hopefully, the cameraman
won't frighten him.

He's maintaining his pace,

and he didn't frighten him,
so we're good.

Okay.
I have positioned myself here

because I figured
this would be

the likeliest route
to Suzanne's mother's house.

Forrest had
a little crisis of faith.

He--he ran away from the show
yet again,

and hopefully, I'll be able
to talk him down,

and let's see
if we can work this out.

We usually do.
Hi, buddy.

Get out of the road, Gretchen,
or I swear, I will mow you down!

[laughs] Gretchen.
Okay. Calm down.

Let's talk about this.

No. Just move your [bleep] car.
I'm out of here.

That's it. No more of this!
I'm out of here for good!

Let's calm down.
Just take a breath.

"What is it like
to be hunted?"

Oh, come on.
It's a random system.

Oh, bull[bleep].

You hired somebody
to hunt me down!

I think you might be wrong
about the details.

Really? Sandwich,
Massachusetts, huh?

Sandwich, Massachusetts.

- Explain that.
- That is a coincidence.

- I haven't been there in years.
- Oh, really?

I don't know anybody
from there anymore,

and no one
is trying to kill you.

Just another coincidence.
You got to think

I'm the stupidest [bleep] person
in the world!

- I think you're brilliant!
- Oh, really?

- Forrest MacNeil!
- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!
Oh, [bleep]!

Oh!

If I'm gonna die,
you're gonna die too!

- It's a blowgun!
- It's a what?

[gun clacks]

- [screaming]
- Oh, no!

- [bleep] [bleep]
- Oh, my God.

(man)
Oh, no. [bleep]

- Oh, [bleep].
- [bleep]

And so it seems
that another season of Review

must end with me,
A.J. Gibbs,

giving you the sad news that
Forrest MacNeil has vanished,

and this time, with our beloved
producer, Grant Grunderschmidt.

I don't like to be sad,

so I like to think they're
floating down that river,

settling their differences
with one another.

And if I'm right about that,

I'm pretty sure Forrest
would give being hunted

six stars.

That's all the time we have.

This is A.J. Gibbs saying,

"Life,
you're already living it.

Ain't it great?"

So long.

(man)
Extra cheese.

This is a list of hundreds

of review topics that have been
sent in to the show.

"What's it like to shake hands
with an old person?"

"What's it
like to see an elephant?"

"What's it like to shop
for bathing suits?"

"What's it like
to join a club?"

"What's it like to have
a yellow house?"

"What's it like
to sing all day?"

"What's it like to wear
someone else's pants?"