All language subtitles for Review s02e07_English

- Life.
It's literally all we have.

But is it any good?

I'm a reviewer, but I don't
review food, books, or movies.

I review life itself.

[screams]

[triumphant music]

[parrot squawks]

*

- Over here.

*

- Hello and welcome to "Review."

I am Forrest MacNeil, reviewer.

A.J., do you think you can
kick us off with a review?

- First review comes
from Palmita

in Hillsborough, Arkansas.

- Palmita.

- You're kidding me.
- [laughs]

- That is a ghoulish question.
- Ugh!

- Thankfully, I am only
moderately claustrophobic,

otherwise, this would be a much
more terrifying undertaking.

- "Undertaking."
Forrest.

- Oh.
That was not intentional.

The puns I make on purpose are
quite a bit funnier than that.

Well, here I go. I'm off to find
out what it's like to be...

buried alive.

Ahoy there!

The first step to being buried
alive turned out to be

bribing a cemetery
groundskeeper,

who was insane.

- You out here looking
for zombies?

- Beg your pardon?

- Sometimes we get these meth-
head idiots lookin' for zombies.

- Yeah, no, no, I'm just sad
about a dead person.

- You masturbate on
the tombstones,

make sure you clean up
after your mess.

- Goes without saying.

After that, my intern,
his girlfriend, and I were free

to put our flimsy homemade
coffin anywhere we wanted.

My casket is equipped with an
air tube and a little light.

It is now 1:15 a.m.

At exactly 1:15 a.m. tomorrow,
you will dig me up.

Ugh!

- Rest in peace, Forrest.

- This part's more fun.

- As the sound of dirt piling
atop this coffin grows softer,

I just find myself wanting
to call out,

"Stop! I'm still alive!
Don't go!" You know?

Maybe the only thing more
terrifying than that sound

is gonna be the moment
that it stops.

[shoveling stops]

Yep.
That is more terrifying.

- Bye, Mr. MacNeil.
- Good luck.

- I soon discovered that as
morbid as this was,

and as lonely as it was,

it was mostly horrifically,
oppressively boring.

[snoring]

I slept for a very refreshing
nine hours,

but then I was bored again.

[video game beeping]

I never get to play the games
on my phone, you know.

I'm always so busy, but now--

[phone rings]
Oh! Suzanne.

I had not spoken with my
ex-wife Suzanne since my review

of making our son's
wish come true...

- For mom and me to move in
with Joe Dale, Jr.

- Sadly forced me to convince
her to move in

with her frequently unfaithful
boyfriend,

and now she was calling me.

Perhaps she had finally come
to her senses.

Maybe she was even willing to
give us another chance.

Hey!
How's it going?

- [phone cuts out]
Trouble hearing you.

Are you there?

- Yes, I'm here.
I'm here, what's up?

- Very important news.
So--

- Okay, stop, stop, stop.

All I heard was that you have
important news.

- [garbled]
- I can't hear you.

- I-I'm getting married,
is what I'm trying to tell you.

- Okay.

Far from coming to her senses,

she had now taken full leave
of them.

What could I possibly say
to this horrible news?

Uh, that's great.

- What?
I can't hear you.

- That is great.

Any hope I had ever had
of being with Suzanne again,

of putting our family back
together,

was now shut tighter than this
cheap wooden box.

- Really, really hap--
We're so happy.

[phone beeps]
- Oh.

Before that phone call,
I felt completely

out of my element
in this coffin.

Now, I felt right at home.

When, after 24 hours,
Josh called to tell me

he was on his way
to dig me up...

Hello.

I could not have cared less.

Whatever.

But my perspective changed
rather quickly.

- Yep?
- Hey, Mr. Mac--[garbled]

Do you remember where you are?
Are you by, like, a tree?

- Okay, are you telling me that
you don't know where I am?

- You're by a tree, aren't you?
[phone beeps]

- [laughs]
He doesn't know where I am.

[laughs]
Oh.

Oh, that's interesting.

I only told one person
where I am,

and it was...

the stupidest person I know.

[laughs]

Help!
Can you hear me up there?

If you can hear my voice,
start digging!

[crickets chirping
and owl hooting]

Get me out of here!
I gotta get out of here.

Suzanne had crushed my spirit.

My life now seemed
utterly pointless.

And yet, faced
with the possibility of being

lost forever in the bowels
of the Earth,

something in me stirred.

[punches coffin]
Aah!

Gotta get out of here!
Let me out of here!

Let me out!

[panting]

[grunting and yelling]

Oh, God!
Oh, God!

My incredible and inspiring
refusal to lie down and die

sent my fists
shattering through

a thin layer of particle board,

and clawing through soil to
face what was left of my life,

and triumph.

- Holy [bleep].
Zombies! Zombies!

- Oh, that explains
the bandage.

- Yes, I was mistaken for a
fictional flesh-eating monster.

While I did enjoy the forced
solitude

and the chance to reflect
free from distraction,

the experience of being buried
alive carries too high a risk

of turning into the experience
of being buried dead.

Being buried alive:
half a star.

[triumphant music]

- This review comes from Eugenia
in Lake Lure, North Carolina.

- Uh-huh!
- Hey, Forrest.

I love it when you
give something five stars.

But what would it be like
to give something six stars?

- Uh...no.
I-I can't do that.

I--you know, I rate things on
a scale of one to five stars.

- So what?
Give something six stars.

- No, I can't do that.
I mean, if the scale can change,

then anything can change,
and then none of this

means anything at all.

Looks like I'm...

gonna have to use
one of my vetoes.

- Yes!
Finally the veto!

- Yeah!

[dramatic music]

Yep, I can veto two reviews
this season,

and I haven't done it yet,
but this task

is totally impossible,
so it looks like...

I'm gonna have to veto it!

[drum roll]

No, wait a minute.
No, I have an idea.

No veto. No veto.
I figured this out.

Okay, what's it like
to give something six stars?

I'm gonna go find out.

[triumphant music]

*

Hello, I'm Forrest MacNeil,
and welcome to "Assess."

Whatever life experience
you're curious about,

I will do it
and then I will assess it

on a scale
of two to six stars.

I have created this show
expressly for the purpose

of giving something
six stars.

It's a whole new show.
- Whoopee.

- Now, please, A.J.,
what is our first rev--no.

Our--our first assessment?

- Natasha from Homer, Alaska.

- Hi, Forrest.
I'm lactose intolerant,

so what's it like to have
the best ice cream in town?

- Oh, well, that's fantastic.
- Mm-hmm.

- I have a feeling that this
might just get

my highest rating.

- Oh.
- Of six stars.

- Yep.
- [chuckles] Okay!

By popular consensus,
the best ice cream in my town

can be found at this artisanal
ice cream truck.

May I have one chocolate
ice cream cone, please?

It was absolutely delicious.

This is absolutely delicious.

Rich, but not too rich,
cocoa-y, sweet,

with a subtle hint of nutmeg.

Quite simply, the best
ice cream I had ever had.

No.
Oh, no, no.

Damn it.
Oh, oh, that's worse, ugh.

Eating the best ice cream
in town

was a very pleasant experience.

Each bite was tiny scoop
of heaven.

But I've spent
this entire day

with a chocolate smudge
on my shirt.

So, unfortunately I cannot,
in good conscience,

give this experience
six stars.

Eating the best ice cream
in town, 5 1/2 stars.

This might take longer
than I expected.

- Yeah.

*

Welcome to "Evaluate,"

the show where I evaluate life
on a scale of six to six stars.

Every evaluation on this show
gets six stars.

On to our first evaluation, A.J.

- Okay, it's from a viewer
named Haddie

from Wilmington, Delaware.

- All righty.

- As a woman,
I've always been curious,

what's it like to be kicked
in the balls?

- [sighs]
You got to be kidding me.

I guess I'm going to need
to find someone

to kick me in the balls.

I'll be perfectly honest
with you, A.J., this--

Aaaah!

Ohh! Oh, [bleep]!
- Oh, no, no, no.

- Oh, God.
- Oh, my God, I'm--I'm so sorry.

I thought you said for me
to do it.

- No, I didn't say that.
Ah!

But it's very helpful,
thank you.

- I'm sorry!
- Oh, my God, wow!

[groans]
[bleep].

It's an agony that starts
in my left testicle and just

ripples out to every corner
of my body.

- Oh, God, that's just--
that's weird that it starts

in your left testicle.

- Oh, no.
Uh, that makes me realize,

you only kicked me in the
left testicle and that [bleep]

old lady wants to know what it's
like to be kicked in both balls!

Plural!
She said, "Kicked in the balls."

- No, please, don't make me
do this again, Forrest.

- A.J., A.J., A.J., please!

Kick me in the right ball!
- Oh, my--

- Otherwise,
I cannot evaluate this.

Let's go, just do it,
just do it!

[both scream]

[wheezing]

[whimpering]

- Did I get it?

- You got it!
- Okay.

- [groans]
[bleep]!

Oh, [bleep]!
[groans]

I give being kicked
in the balls...

six stars.

Oh, [bleep].

Giving something six stars
could be a thrilling experience

if done as an expression
of highest approval.

But when done in a system in
which there is no other choice,

it is remarkably
unremarkable.

Giving something six stars:
one star.

[triumphant music]

- Our next review is from
Joaquin Phoenix.

- Oh, you're kidding me!
- Oh, wow!

- Oh!
Oh.

- Hi, I'm Joaquin in Phoenix.

I have to apologize to everyone
at my church this Sunday.

What's it like to speak
in public?

- Oh, well, I guess this is
exactly the moment to confess

that even though I'm a seasoned
and very highly well regarded

television presenter,
I occasionally feel

the terror of stage fright.

- Sometimes I can see
the sweat building

on your upper lip
from over here.

- No, no, for me it's more
of an internal thing.

I don't think it's noticeable.

Okay, well, I am off
to speak publicly!

I have recently learned that my
ex-wife is getting married

to a man that I accidentally
introduced her to.

Suzanne met this man
during my review of catfishing

when I used his annoyingly
perfect face

to communicate with her.

When she wanted to meet me,
I kept up the ruse,

and produced Joe Dale, Jr.,
who, as it turns out,

is a wealthy
professional athlete.

- Hello.
- Soon after,

they started dating.

So he is a fraud,
and she is a dupe.

And not only that,
he cheats on her...all the time.

So, if that doesn't have
the makings

of a memorable wedding speech,
I don't know what does.

I set to work writing a speech
to deliver

at their rehearsal dinner,

one that would completely
derail this wedding of lies.

"Are marrying a stand-in

for the man you really
fell for."

The speech I have written
is a vicious, destructive act

of character assassination.

But that doesn't make it immune
from the number one rule

of public speaking:
I gotta open with a joke.

Now, I remember that my late
father-in-law Jack

opened his toast at our wedding
with a real doozey.

So I've been combing through
the home video of our wedding.

I think I've got it.
Let's see that joke.

- Oh, but I think Forrest
is a little nervous.

Today he asked me
what the wedding night

was gonna be like, and I said,
oh, don't worry,

it's like a candy bar...

- Oh, no, no, don't tell--
- Dad! Dad!

- It's like a candy bar.
Once you take the wrapper off,

the next two minutes
will be heavenly.

[laughter]

Love that joke!
Seriously though,

I love this guy.
He's a little weird sometimes.

I don't always know what he's
talking about, but darn it,

he--he makes my daughter happy,
and that's all

a dad can ask for his kids.

So, Forrest, I want you to
promise that you'll always

keep my little girl happy.

Can you promise me that?
- Yes, I promise.

- Say it again.
- I promise.

- One more time.
- I promise.

- Thank you.
May you two have many children,

who will likely be the first
generation to live in space.

So with that in mind,
let's toast.

- Guest book, huh?

People get to express their
feelings toward the couple.

Let's go.

You know, I'm--I'm hoping
to pass undetected here,

at least till it's time
to give my big--

- Forrest?
- Ah. Oh, hello.

- What are you doing here?
- What am I doing here?

I'm just helping to celebrate
the big day.

- You were not invited. It is
inappropriate that you are here.

You're not supposed to be
at rehearsal--

- Hey, Dad!
- Oh, my God, I'm gonna--

- Are you coming to dinner?

- Am I coming to dinner?
Yes, I'm coming to dinner.

Give me a hug.
[laughs]

Ah, you look great.

- Okay, honey, why don't you
go say hi to your aunt?

I'll be right over, okay?
- Okay, sure.

- He is so excited to see me.
That's so sweet, you know?

- Okay, listen to me.

If you stay, I do not want you
to do anything.

Just don't be yourself.
Just be somebody different.

- It was a delightful affair.

Mind if I join you guys?

I was a late addition
to the guest list.

I took my seat and tried
to enjoy the meal.

But I was far too nervous
about my upcoming speech

to eat anything at all.

- What up, everyone?
How you doing?

- As the toasts began
and I readied myself

for my moment in the sun,

I couldn't help but notice
that Suzanne was having

a delightful time
with her soon-to-be husband

and his family.

What if this simple man
could make her happy?

I thought of the promise
I had made to her father

at our wedding, and I put away
my bitter, hateful speech.

- And now I'm gonna turn
the microphone over

to an honored guest.

- Oh, [bleep].

- Oh, a wedding!

Instead, I decided to speak
from the heart.

- I think Joe
is a little nervous here.

He's, uh, asking me about
opening up the wrapper,

and I told him, you know,
that just takes two minutes,

and then we can all have candy.

Or whoever wants it, you know.

I don't--what?
Yeah.

So I had some words prepared
for tonight,

just typical ex-husband stuff,

but, uh, really wanted to say
something more important.

When I married Suzanne,
it was my priority in life

to keep her happy, but I let
other things come first.

I don't know why I did that.
That was stupid.

But, uh, I still feel that it's
my job to keep her happy.

Which is why I have something
that I need to say.

I've been watching you guys
and, uh...

and--and you're happy,
you're really happy.

You're obviously really happy.

So, my mission is accomplished,
basically.

[applause]

Perhaps I should have stopped
there.

Just a second.
Just a minute.

Uh, Joe, I just want to tell Joe
that he's a lucky man...

because you're marrying this
beautiful, beautiful,

beautiful, beautiful,
beautiful woman.

- Thank you, Forrest.
- And just the most patient

and--and intelligent woman
in the whole universe.

But instead I adopted a risky

stream of consciousness
approach.

We have had some times together.

Do you remember Maui?

If you go to Maui, go with
the person that you love most

in your life would be my advice.

That's what I did,
and I went with Suzanne.

Oh, how I felt then!
Like everything in the world

was just gonna be okay forever!

I just want to also mention
that when our beautiful boy Eric

was born, what an incredible
time that was.

- Forrest, that's enough.
- [laughs]

Listen, no,
I just want to say one thing.

One last thing, just, I'll--

- I want you to please
stop talking.

- I'm about to stop talking.

- Please...stop...talking.
- I'm almost done.

Just one more thing I want
to say.

- What I would like you to do...
- Yes?

- Is to stop it.
- And I will.

First, I want to say that...
I made a mistake.

Because I let you feel that you
were not the most important

thing in the world to me,
and that was stupid.

I'm sorry.
And I--

- [sobbing]
- I'm just sorry.

And I just want to tell you
that I miss you...

- Okay.
- And it's very hard to go on

without you, and now I'm gonna
end the speech.

But I'm gonna end it in a way
that I think...

I think you're really gonna
appreciate.

- Okay.

What are you doing? No.
No. Forrest! Oh, my God.

- Suzanne, will you marry--
- Get up!

- Hey, hey, hey!
Let her answer!

Get your hands off me. Idiot.
- That's enough, that's enough.

- Joe: Really? Really, man?
- Forrest: Yeah.

- Please, stop!
Oh, my God. Okay.

- Big, dumb, stupid jerk!
- Oh, my God!

- Words have power
to move people.

Sometimes in positive ways,

and sometimes
in very negative ways.

Public speakers
must be prepared for that.

- Stop it!
- I think he broke my arm!

And they sometimes have to
back up their words with force.

- Oh, my God!
- [roaring]

- He's biting me!
- No! Cut it out!

Cut it out!
- [screaming]

Thanks, everybody,
for all your help.

And when that doesn't work,
there are always more words.

I was catfishing you, Suzanne.

- What?
- Shut up, man.

- You shut up.
- Shut up.

- I was catfishing you,
that was me on MeFindYou.com

that you were talking to.

- What are you talking about?
- That was me,

and I hired him to help me
fool you.

- Will you shut up?
- What? Joe?

- That was me
you were talking to!

It was me that you fell
in love with.

Remember, remember when you were
talking to Ace Shrift?

I was Ace Shrift,
and you were talking about...

- Joe.
- The spatial layout of Costco.

Who's gonna walk right in
and buy a TV?

I said that!

- I feel that way too
about Costco!

- He's a liar and a fraud!
- You shut up!

- You shut up!
- What is going on?

Who was talking to me online?

- He is just a guy
that puts on

a little boy suit and runs
really fast and catches a ball

real good, and sleeps
with women constantly!

- Oh, yeah, right!
- What?

- He is constantly cheating
on you, constantly!

Every city he goes to, sleeping
with baseball groupie whores!

- No, it's not--
- Who are you? What is going on?

I do not want to talk
about this anymore!

- Suzanne, Suzanne!
- Get away from me!

- He's a fraud and a liar!

- I will end you!

Suzanne, Suzanne, listen!
Suzanne, come on!

Hey! Hey!

- There is no such thing
as the perfect speech.

Something will always go wrong.

But at the same time,
public speaking allows us

the opportunity to share
essential truths

with the people who need
to hear them most.

I give it 4 1/2 stars.

- Aren't you gonna tell us
what happened

between Suzanne
and Joe Dale, Jr.?

- Oh, yeah, well, Suzanne has
not been returning my calls,

but I have learned
through the grapevine

that their wedding
was called off.

- Oh.
- That's a--

that's a terrible shame.

That's all the time we have left
for today.

Please tune in next time for
more of what life has to offer.

- Bye!
- Bye.

- Extra cheese!

- Joe is a little nervous
about how long

it's gonna take him
to eat that candy bar.

I told him it's just gonna be
a couple minutes.

With the r--

- Please don't do it
a third time.

- I think Joe--Joe seems
nervous about eating his candy

tonight, on his wedding night.