All language subtitles for Review s02e06_English

Life--it's literally
all we have.

But is it any good?

I'm a reviewer,

but I don't review

food, books, or movies.

I review life itself.

[screams]

[triumphant music]

[parrot squawks]

*

Over here.

*

Hello,
and welcome to the show.

I'm your dedicated life
reviewer, Forrest MacNeil,

and this is my life experience
curator, A.J. Gibbs.

Hello, Forrest.
I cannot wait

to find out what our audience
wants you to do next.

Well, me neither.
Please, let's have at it.

Eli
from Rolla, Missouri...

A William Tell?

I-I don't really know
what that--

I don't know.

Well, let's find out.

What does it mean
and what is it like

to do a William Tell?

(Forrest)
What it was, was horrible.

Oh, my God.

Have you ever heard
this William Tell story?

Apple on the head thing?

Yeah. This guy
in the 14th century

was forced to shoot an apple
off of his son's head

with an arrow.

Yeah, and he did it, too.

(Forrest)
I was faced with
a major problem.

To review shooting an apple
off my son's head with an arrow,

I would have to shoot an apple
off my son's head with an arrow.

Oh, hey, buddy.
Hey, how's it going?

(Forrest voice-over)
As it happened, Eric was
scheduled to fly here

with his grandmother
for the weekend.

Hey, is there anything
in particular

you're looking forward to doing
while you're down here?

No, I don't have anything
planned, really.

Well, I-I do.

I have one,
sort of, activity.

(Forrest voice-over)
That gave me three days
to become a master archer.

[bleep].

(Forrest voice-over)
It seemed unlikely, but then,
what choice did I have?

I need to be really good at
this, you guys.

(Josh)
All right, whoo!

(Tina)
[bleep] that apple.

- [bleep] that apple.
- [bleep] that apple.

(Josh)
[bleep] that apple.

[grunts]

- Oh, Jesus.
- Oh, [bleep]!

(Forrest voice-over)
On my first day of practice,

I did not come anywhere near
my son's precious face,

and that was all right with me.

My second day went
slightly better than the first.

I think I've been holding this
upside down the whole time.

Look at this.

(Josh)
Come on, Mr. MacNeil.

Oh! Mr. MacNeil,
that's great!

(Tina)
That's, like, five points.

(Josh) You got him.
- It would have been his foot.

Or that would have been
his foot.

All right, let's do this.

(Forrest voice-over)
On the day of Eric's arrival,

I had time for
one last practice,

and I would leave nothing
to chance.

(Josh)
I like the intensity,
Mr. MacNeil.

Yep, it's all about
intensity now.

(Forrest voice-over)
I obviously had
no innate ability

to zip a stick off a string,

so I invested in
the most advanced

stick-zipping equipment
available.

(Forrest)
All right,
Eric, we can do this.

No more [bleep] around.

- Oh.
- Oh, my God.

(Tina) Oh, my God.
- Interesting.

[adventurous music]

(Tina) Oh.
- Holy [bleep].

*

You're like a [bleep] elf.
This is insane.

(Josh) Whoo!
(Tina) More!

No!

[grunts]

(Tina)
Use your pain.

(Josh)
Ho ho ho ho!
You're my hero!

No! I would have
killed him five times!

Okay, well, how many sons
do you have?

One!

Then, yeah,
that's a problem.

(Forrest voice-over)
Tina was onto something.

Since I clearly
could not put my boy

at the mercy of
my bow and arrow skills,

perhaps I needed another son.

(woman)
So what kind of child
do you think would be

a perfect match for you?

Um...Well, it needs
to be a boy.

Mm-hmm.

And...

it'd be great if he had
a flat head...

and a thick skull.

Thick skull?

No.

No.

You okay?

This--this is
a terrible idea.

I'm a [bleep] monster.
[cries]

(Forrest voice-over)
And that's when I had
a revelation.

Dad, have you ever shot
a bow and arrow?

A bow and arrow?
Yes, at summer camp.

As a matter of fact,
I won a trophy.

Of course,
it melted in the fire.

You gotta be kidding me.

No, it was plastic.

This was meant to be then.

Come on over here.

(Forrest voice-over)
I realized that the question
I'd been asked was,

what is it like
to do a William Tell?

Not, what is it like to be
William Tell?

I could still experience
a father/son apple shot,

not as the father...

- Okay, here.
- But as the son.

What I need you to do

is just shoot this apple
off my head, okay?

Are you out of your mind?
I can't do that.

Aim it.
Just see if you can aim it.

- Forrest.
- What are you doing?

We have to talk about this

because William Tell did this
700 years ago, right?

We're still
talking about it

because it's impossible.

Look, William Tell didn't
have a bow like this.

Drunken hillbillies are
taking down deer

at 100 yards every weekend
with these things.

You're not drunk, right?

No. Are you?

You can do this.

You won a trophy in this.

Actually, we all
took home a trophy.

We got--the trophy was
for participating.

Everybody took home
an archery trophy?

Yes.

Okay, but still, you did it.

I believe in you.

I just need you to believe in
you as much as I believe in you.

Because if you--
if you don't,

um...

I'm gonna try and shoot an apple
off of Eric's head.

That's--Okay,
just stand there, please.

Dad, you can do it.

- Just focus on the apple.
- [groans]

(Forrest voice-over)
The oppressed people of
14th-century Switzerland

needed someone to show them that

passion achieves the impossible.

William Tell did that.

And today, my father
would do it, too.

Or so I dearly hoped.

Okay, I'm gonna do it.

- Do it.
- I'm gonna do it.

- Do it!
- I am gonna do it.

[William Tell Overture
by Gioachino Rossini playing]

[screams]

(Roger) Oh, no, no! God!
- Ow!

Oh, my God!

(Josh)
Mr. MacNeil, he shot you!

(Forrest) I know!
- Oh, I'm so sorry!

No, you have nothing to
apologize for, Dad.

Please do it again, okay?

What?

Don't let this be
for nothing!

Please, Dad.

Try it again. What do you got to
lose at this point?

This is terrible.

Would somebody put the apple
back on my head, please?

Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God.

Okay, thank you, yes.

God that hurts!
Here we go.

You can do it, Dad.

[groans]

[whimpers]

[both groan]

Please, Dad!
[screams]

(Roger)
Oh, God, no!
What have I done?!

[screams]

Do you want me to call
an ambulance?

Yes! Yes.

Okay,
you just tell me when.

Now!
Call an ambulance now!

(Josh)
Mr. MacNeil, maybe if
you just duck down

and you--you put your head where
your shoulder's been,

he'd get it, 'cause he keeps
hitting you in the same spot.

No, no!
No, no, no, I'm done!

Dad. Dad, no,
he's exactly right.

You keep doing
what you're doing,

and I will put the apple
where the arrows are going.

One more.
Only one and one only.

Okay, but please hurry,

'cause I don't think I can hold
this position very long.

I'm going faint
from loss of blood.

You don't have to do this.

I do have to do it.
Thank you, though.

- Forrest.
- Yeah.

I love you, son.

I know.
Okay, but please hurry.

- You're not a perfect man...
- Dad, please hurry.

but you've made a lot of
mistakes in your life--

Dad, I cannot hold
this position very long!

- Okay, I love you.
- I'm going faint

- from the blood loss!
- I want you to be proud of me.

I've always been
proud of you, kid.

So I'm gonna--

Let's go!

- Aah!
- Aah!

[bleep]!

(Tina)
[bleep]! Holy [bleep]!

- Someone call an ambulance!
- Call an ambulance!

- [bleep]!
- I've been shot!

- Call the ambulance!
(Forrest) This is terrible!

(Forrest voice-over)
And that's when I had
another revelation.

When William Tell's son
placed that apple on his head,

he didn't know whether the arrow
would pierce the fruit

or his cherubic
renaissance-era body.

Either thing
could have happened.

What do I do?! How do I fix it?!
I'll cuddle you!

(Forrest voice-over)
So to experience a William Tell,

one only needs to be involved in
a father shooting an arrow

at his son.

Where it lands
is mostly irrelevant.

Doing a William Tell
forces a man

to put the person he feels
most compelled to protect

in mortal danger.

So if you're considering
attempting this feat,

my advice to you is don't.

Doing a William Tell,
two stars.

Oh, and I should add that
my executive assistant, Lucille,

is going to be just fine,

but I can't really say
any more than that

due to pending litigation.

Let's hope a settlement is
reached soon.

Hopefully, this next review
won't hurt a bit.

Oh, I hope you're right.
Yes.

@StalkHore7 Tweets...

Oh, that is
a delightful request.

I'm off to make a wish
come true.

(Forrest voice-over)
It was just MacNeil family luck

that my son, Eric,
had a birthday coming up

and was sure to make a wish
blowing out his candles.

The party was being thrown
by my ex-wife

at the house in San Francisco
where she fled

after our marriage failed.

And I came prepared
to make a splash

wearing a jacket that I'd had
specially designed for parties.

Hey, the fun bus is here!
Choo choo!

(Forrest voice-over)
The prospect of
making my son's day

put me in a happy mood,

so much so that I even began
to feel that today

might open the door to
a new future with Suzanne.

- Hey, Forrest.
- Hello. How are you?

- I'm good.
- Yeah.

What happened to your arm?

Oh, I got shot with
a couple of arrows.

- Yeah.
- Sure.

- Nice to see you again.
- You, too,

but there's actually somebody
I'd love for you to meet.

Okay.

Hey, Eric, honey,
where's your best bud?

I think he's in the back
signing autographs.

Oh, okay.
I'll go get him.

Signing autographs? Oh.
How are you?

(Forrest voice-over)
And then, Eric's birthday party
turned into a surprise party,

a terrible, terrible surprise.

My recent review of catfishing

had allowed me to reconnect
with Suzanne

using a false name
and a borrowed face.

My favorite writer is
Agatha Christie.

(Forrest voice-over)
And through this deception,
she and I fell in love again.

The face belonged to
Joe Dale Jr.,

a handsome and dim-witted
professional baseball man.

Did you bring
a cashier's check?

(Forrest voice-over)
To prevent Suzanne from
finding out the truth,

I paid him to end things
via Skype.

Now, this pretty-faced moron
was dating Suzanne.

- Hey, Forrest, Joe.
- Okay.

It's nice to meet you
for the very first time.

- Yeah.
- No.

(Suzanne)
No, you know what it is?

What?

Joe is a professional
baseball player,

so if he's familiar to you
that might be why.

- Is that why?
- Yeah.

'Cause you do
look familiar to me.

I mean, I didn't know that
when I met him.

- Uh-huh.
- Yeah, we met online.

I was using an alias,
because, you know.

- Yeah.
- Dad.

- Interesting.
- Joe is the first person

to hit a walk-off home run
in both games of a doubleheader.

That's great. I don't even know
what a doubleheader is

to be honest with you.

To me, it sounds like
a two-faced monster.

(Suzanne)
He's not much of a sports guy.

Like a monster that presents
itself to people one way

- and then the other way...
- I'm so sorry.

It's cake o'clock.
I gotta hit it.

other people are saying
a different thing.

Maybe he doesn't even seem like
a monster on this side,

but on this side,
you know he's a monster.

- Okay.
- Right?

Shh.
I know. I know, man. I--

This is real weird.

Yes,
it's weirder than weird.

It just happened. We were up
here playing the Giants.

I was craving a MILF,
and I looked her up

because I thought it was
a pretty easy way to get laid.

What is a MILF?

MILF, it's like
an old lady I'd like to

[clicks tongue]
[bleep].

Oh, my God.

Now, Eric's grandmother
usually makes vanilla,

but Joe, this time, said
it has to be chocolate.

(Forrest voice-over)
Joe was a terrible person.

What a stark contrast with me,

a man who had come here
to do something wonderful.

I'd like to have a word with
the birthday boy.

Can you young men
go away, please?

[whistles]
Thanks.

What did you just wish for when
you blew out the candles?

Nah, I don't think
you're gonna like it.

Whatever you wished for,
whatever it was,

I am going to make that wish
come true.

(Forrest voice-over)
Eric was understandably hesitant

to share a secret wish,

but to make it come true,
I'd have to know what it was.

- What I wished for...
- Yeah?

was for mom and me
to move back to L.A...

Well...

And to move in with
Joe Dale Jr.

Can you really make
that wish come true?

(Forrest voice-over)
Could I?

I did not know,

but this review meant
I would have to try.

That's what you want?

You don't want a go-kart
or anything like that?

Joe says he has five go-karts
at his house.

Oh,
Joe's got five go-karts.

Oh, my God.

(Forrest voice-over)
This was a devastating,

punishing, miserable request.

I came here prepared to
build a go-kart,

which would have been
hard enough.

Instead, I would have to try
and convince

to former love of my life

to move in with a jerk.

[sighs]

Wow, I was just thinking
about Joe in there.

He's fantastic.

What a--what a great guy.

Yeah, he is great.
I-I really like him.

- Yeah. You do, huh?
- Yeah.

So do I.

I didn't know if
it was gonna be hard for you

and I was even gonna tell you
beforehand,

but you were out getting shot
or whatever.

- Did you know this?
- What?

Okay, so whatever, he's sweet,
he's funny, he's handsome.

He's handsome, of course,
but he loves Agatha Christie.

How cool is that?

- Unbelievably cool.
- Yeah.

(Forrest voice-over)
Incredibly enough,

my wise and thoughtful ex-wife
was genuinely smitten

with a man who is capable
of craving a MILF.

But she was still too sensible
to pick up and move

without an invitation.

For that, I would need to
convince my betrayer.

You guys are basically like my
favorite couple I've ever seen.

I like her, man.

Ever since
I started dating her,

whenever I get a little
something on the side,

I feel pretty bad about it.

Did you say that you have
already cheated on Suzanne?

Yeah, but I'm gonna
try not to.

Yeah, yeah.
No, that would be great.

(Forrest voice-over)
Joe did not strike me
as a family man,

but I could not give up.

You should ask her
to move in with you.

Mm, I gotta tell you.

I like to throw
freaky parties, you know?

Like, good-looking women
at the house in the pool.

Yeah, I'm glad
you're saying that,

because that's how
these guys are as well.

They love to throw down

with good-look--
good-looking women in the pool.

It'll just be the same old
Joe Dale Jr.,

just with a loving partner
to come home to

and a little guy
hanging around

who just thinks
the world of you.

- Whoo!
- I can tell you,

I had that, you know.

You could really
literally just

walk down there
and go get it.

Cheers, man.

Who's ready to play?

(Forrest voice-over)
I had tried my best
to make a wish come true,

but I doubted that a shallow man
like Joe Dale Jr.

would make this sort of
commitment to a woman

no matter how great she is.

[dramatic music]

But a week later, I got the call
that Suzanne and Eric

were moving in with him
in Los Angeles.

- I got it. I got it.
- Are you sure?

I got it. I got it. Oh!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- I got it.

- You got it?
- Yeah, I got it.

(Forrest voice-over)
I had fulfilled my son's wish,

and aside from
the truly awful feelings

associated with
delivering my family

into the hands of
a habitually unfaithful fraud,

I can report that
it was satisfying

to see the wish recipient
so happy.

Dad.
What are you doing here?

Suzanne invited me to stay

in one of Joe Dale Jr.'s
guesthouses.

Sleeping on the floor
in your office

is just doing a number
on my back.

Yeah, Dad, I don't think
that's a good idea.

He's got a pool, son.

- Enjoy it. Beautiful house.
- Yeah.

(Forrest voice-over)
The idea that making
someone else's wish come true

would involve any sacrifice
on my part

had, honestly, not
occurred to me at all.

At many points in this review

I felt nostalgic for the day
when all I had to worry about

was being shot in the heart
with an arrow.

The power of wish is
a heavy burden

that no man
should have to bear.

Making someone's wish
come true,

half a star.

[triumphant music]

The next review
comes from Elliot

in Homa Hills, Wyoming.

Homa Hills.

Hey, Forrest, what's it like
to be alone in a rowboat?

- Hey, man--
(Forrest) Oh, my God.

A.J. I know our review selection
process is totally random,

but this one feels like
the hand of God

I need it so bad!

Ahh.

Some alone time in a rowboat,
yes, okay, let's do that.

This experience will be
documented by

a mounted onboard camera.

Total solitude.

The terrible arrow injuries
I received to my left shoulder

are making it
more difficult to row,

but I'm not about to let that
ruin this relaxing sojourn

across a peaceful bay.

I took a few extra painkillers

and I gotta try to limit
my range of motion.

[chuckles]
[seagull caws]

Let's follow that bird.

I don't know if
it's the cool breeze

or the sound of lapping water

or the double dose of OxyContin

or the crisp salt air,

but I feel at peace in a way
that I haven't felt

in a long, long time.

Think I'm just gonna lie back
and enjoy it.

(Forrest voice-over)
But perhaps I had allowed myself
to feel too peaceful.

[snores]

[dramatic music]

*

I've been asleep for six hours.

I think I must have drifted
out of the bay

and into the open ocean.

All right, well, I guess I just
gotta row back to shore

as fast as--

Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, where are the oars?!

Where are the oars?!

Oars!

Hello, here's my situation.

I have brought along
no food and no water

and no method
for signaling anyone,

and my cell phone here
doesn't get any service.

I am considering using one of
my shoelaces here

as a fishing line

and pieces of my wallet as bait.

And I only pray that
I am rescued

before that begins to seem like
a viable survival plan.

Jesus Christ.

Fish don't eat wallets.

(Forrest voice-over)
My review of making a wish
come true

had left me metaphorically
lost at sea.

Being literally lost at sea
was even worse.

There is a flashing red light
on the camera now,

which I assume means that
the battery is running low.

I would like to say something to
the love of my life,

my--my ex-wife, Suzanne.

Suzanne, I--

I'm pretty sure
I'm gonna die out here.

[static crackles]

[laughs]

Hello.

I do not know how many days
I have been at sea.

(Forrest voice-over)
I had been at sea for 96 days.

It is difficult to look at
this footage now,

but the mere fact of my survival

is a beautiful,
glorious miracle.

I've been swept into some kind
of a floating trash vortex

in the middle of the ocean.

I have been killing and eating
the sea birds

that perch on top of
the garbage.

I've been strangling them
and snapping their necks

with my hands.

And it's not a bad diet.

One of the things that I have
been blessed to find here

in this garbage island

is a battery that works
in this camera

so that I can continue
to talk to you

because I have had important
experiences

to share with you
about rowboats.

They are--
[static crackles]

Wow.

You were lost at sea
for a long time.

Yep.
[laughs]

I want to thank anybody
who has ever contributed

to the great Mid-Pacific
trash flotilla.

If you don't properly dispose
of your garbage,

you saved my life.

I would also like to thank
the gruesome practice

of illegal whale hunting.

For it was a group of
renegade Japanese whalers

who ultimately found me
and brought me to safety.

Arigatou gozaimasu.

Spending time
alone on a rowboat

is a horrifying, desperate
struggle for survival

that cuts a man off from
his life and his loved ones

frequently causing him
to pray for death.

Spending time on a rowboat,

half a star.

The ocean is a force of nature

that must be taken seriously
at all times,

and it's not something to
be trifled with

or toyed with
or--or enjoyed for fun.

I am sorry that
I disrespected the sea!