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1
00:00:09,533 --> 00:00:10,973
Life--it's literally
all we have.
2
00:00:11,067 --> 00:00:11,967
But is it any good?
3
00:00:12,067 --> 00:00:13,327
I'm a reviewer,
4
00:00:13,433 --> 00:00:14,333
but I don't review
5
00:00:14,433 --> 00:00:16,003
food, books, or movies.
6
00:00:16,100 --> 00:00:18,070
I review life itself.
7
00:00:18,167 --> 00:00:19,667
[screams]
8
00:00:19,767 --> 00:00:21,597
[triumphant music]
9
00:00:21,700 --> 00:00:23,300
[parrot squawks]
10
00:00:23,400 --> 00:00:26,830
*
11
00:00:26,933 --> 00:00:27,833
Over here.
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00:00:27,933 --> 00:00:32,173
*
13
00:00:33,833 --> 00:00:34,733
Welcome to Review.
14
00:00:34,833 --> 00:00:36,433
I'm Forrest MacNeil,
15
00:00:36,533 --> 00:00:39,633
and I am completely dedicated to
exploring the life experiences
16
00:00:39,733 --> 00:00:40,973
you want rated.
17
00:00:41,067 --> 00:00:42,967
Here is the delightful
A.J. Gibbs.
18
00:00:43,067 --> 00:00:44,667
Hi, Forrest.
19
00:00:44,767 --> 00:00:45,997
I don't suppose you
have any reviews for me today.
20
00:00:46,100 --> 00:00:48,500
- Oh, I do.
- Great. Okay.
21
00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:52,330
Our first review is an email
from ChoBeatsCho97.
22
00:01:01,133 --> 00:01:05,073
Oh, to be falsely...
accused.
23
00:01:05,133 --> 00:01:07,503
Well, you know,
as a man of a certain stature,
24
00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:09,370
I have a lot to lose,
having charges
25
00:01:09,467 --> 00:01:10,927
thrown willy-nilly
in my direction.
26
00:01:11,067 --> 00:01:12,397
- Who's that?
- What?
27
00:01:12,500 --> 00:01:13,930
Who's Willy Nilly?
28
00:01:14,067 --> 00:01:16,367
Oh, that is not a person.
29
00:01:16,467 --> 00:01:20,267
I guess I'm off to be
the victim of injustice.
30
00:01:20,367 --> 00:01:22,597
Then why are we talking
about him?
31
00:01:22,700 --> 00:01:24,100
- Talking about who?
- Willy Nilly.
32
00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:27,470
Oh, we're not talking
about Willy Nilly.
33
00:01:27,567 --> 00:01:31,067
(Forrest)
In order to be falsely accused,
I would need accusers.
34
00:01:31,167 --> 00:01:33,897
I turned to my intern, Josh,
and his girlfriend, Tina.
35
00:01:34,067 --> 00:01:37,227
So this is the police blotter
for the city of Burbank.
36
00:01:37,333 --> 00:01:40,233
Now pick a crime on here,
any crime at all,
37
00:01:40,333 --> 00:01:41,703
and then accuse me of it.
38
00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:43,470
I don't want you to back down
no matter what,
39
00:01:43,567 --> 00:01:45,627
no matter what the police say,
certainly no matter what I say.
40
00:01:45,733 --> 00:01:48,533
Just point the finger of blame
at me, please,
41
00:01:48,633 --> 00:01:49,803
and keep it pointed.
42
00:01:49,900 --> 00:01:50,870
Okay.
Yeah, no problem.
43
00:01:50,967 --> 00:01:52,597
Okay, good.
See, look here.
44
00:01:52,700 --> 00:01:55,430
Someone's been stealing avocados
from this woman's tree.
45
00:01:55,533 --> 00:01:56,973
Like, that's perfect.
46
00:01:57,067 --> 00:01:59,767
What you doing?
Oh, you're getting started.
47
00:01:59,867 --> 00:02:02,597
- You know what to do?
- I think Tina's got it.
48
00:02:02,700 --> 00:02:05,870
(Forrest)
But very quickly, I began
to suspect I'd left this task
49
00:02:05,967 --> 00:02:07,627
to the wrong people.
50
00:02:07,733 --> 00:02:10,333
Josh and Tina seemed to be
putting off their accusation
51
00:02:10,433 --> 00:02:12,903
in favor of all other
manner of business.
52
00:02:13,067 --> 00:02:14,697
While on an outing
to buy headphones
53
00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:16,230
from a store
called craigslist,
54
00:02:16,333 --> 00:02:17,833
Tina ran out of gas.
55
00:02:17,933 --> 00:02:19,933
You get this at the gas station,
fill it up with gas.
56
00:02:20,067 --> 00:02:21,267
Well, if I'm going
to the gas station,
57
00:02:21,367 --> 00:02:23,067
- I'm just gonna fill it up.
- Sure.
58
00:02:23,133 --> 00:02:24,703
- Yes, you can hold on to that.
- Have a good day.
59
00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:26,530
I hope you weren't doing
anything really important.
60
00:02:26,633 --> 00:02:28,103
To be honest, I was not,
61
00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:30,900
but this is still
an inconvenience.
62
00:02:31,067 --> 00:02:33,097
(Forrest)
Josh, in an effort to make up
for this frustrating time suck,
63
00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:34,770
offered to have
my glasses fixed...
64
00:02:34,867 --> 00:02:36,867
Like, this side is closer
to my face than this side.
65
00:02:36,967 --> 00:02:38,667
(Forrest)
An errand
which I did appreciate,
66
00:02:38,767 --> 00:02:40,767
as they'd been crooked
ever since I was shot in them.
67
00:02:40,867 --> 00:02:43,097
- Here you go.
- Thank you very much.
68
00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:46,530
I felt useless in the meantime,
a feeling Tina tried to soothe
69
00:02:46,633 --> 00:02:49,273
by having me sign some responses
to our fan mail.
70
00:02:49,367 --> 00:02:50,767
I guess they'd get a big kick
71
00:02:50,867 --> 00:02:52,827
out of seeing my name
signed on there, huh?
72
00:02:52,933 --> 00:02:55,073
(Forrest)
I began to suspect my
coconspirators had completely
73
00:02:55,167 --> 00:02:56,667
forgotten their assignment.
74
00:02:56,767 --> 00:02:58,067
Great.
And that's just your whole name.
75
00:02:58,133 --> 00:02:59,573
All right.
76
00:02:59,667 --> 00:03:02,797
(Forrest)
I couldn't have
been more wrong.
77
00:03:02,900 --> 00:03:04,470
The police are here
for you.
78
00:03:04,567 --> 00:03:07,467
[sighs]
At last.
79
00:03:07,567 --> 00:03:09,327
- Are you Forrest MacNeil?
- Yes, I am.
80
00:03:09,433 --> 00:03:11,733
But, officers, I'm sorry to say
you've got the wrong man.
81
00:03:11,833 --> 00:03:13,673
I don't even like avocados.
You see, they upset my stomach.
82
00:03:13,767 --> 00:03:15,297
Great. You're under arrest
for arson, attempted murder...
83
00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:17,330
- What? No, no, no.
- And destruction of property.
84
00:03:17,433 --> 00:03:19,373
What are you talking about?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey.
85
00:03:19,467 --> 00:03:21,067
You have the right
to remain silent.
86
00:03:21,100 --> 00:03:22,630
Oh, no, no.
Hey, Dad, call my lawyer, okay?
87
00:03:22,733 --> 00:03:24,173
Forr--
Who's your lawyer?
88
00:03:24,267 --> 00:03:26,297
- Call a really good lawyer.
- A realty lawyer?
89
00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:27,330
If you cannot afford
an attorney,
90
00:03:27,433 --> 00:03:28,673
one will be appointed for you.
91
00:03:28,767 --> 00:03:32,527
Oh, Forrest.
92
00:03:32,633 --> 00:03:34,633
(Forrest)
My lawyer, Daisy,
rushed to the police station.
93
00:03:34,733 --> 00:03:35,973
What took you so long?
94
00:03:36,067 --> 00:03:37,567
I couldn't find my shoes.
95
00:03:37,667 --> 00:03:39,367
Well, this is ridiculous.
96
00:03:39,467 --> 00:03:41,327
I mean, they can't possibly have
any kind of case against me.
97
00:03:41,433 --> 00:03:45,133
Well, I normally would
tell you not to worry, Forrest,
98
00:03:45,233 --> 00:03:46,873
but I think you should worry.
99
00:03:46,967 --> 00:03:49,067
How could it be bad? There's
no way for this to be bad.
100
00:03:49,167 --> 00:03:51,227
(Forrest)
To my shock and horror,
101
00:03:51,333 --> 00:03:53,973
I had been charged with
the incredibly serious crime
102
00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:55,627
of burning down
a sorority house
103
00:03:55,733 --> 00:03:57,733
at the University
of Southern California.
104
00:03:57,833 --> 00:04:00,573
They found
your fingerprints
105
00:04:00,667 --> 00:04:03,297
all over this container used
to pour gas on the house.
106
00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:04,770
Well, that ought to do it.
107
00:04:04,867 --> 00:04:08,597
They found eyeglasses
that match your prints
108
00:04:08,700 --> 00:04:10,200
and your prescription.
109
00:04:10,300 --> 00:04:11,870
- Here you go.
- Thank you very much.
110
00:04:11,967 --> 00:04:13,667
I appreciate it.
Think about it for a second.
111
00:04:13,767 --> 00:04:15,697
How would I have driven home
from there without my glasses?
112
00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:20,600
Well, you might have
a backup pair.
113
00:04:20,700 --> 00:04:23,300
- I do have a backup pair.
- Oh, my God.
114
00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:28,370
And finally, a whole series
of hand-signed hate letters.
115
00:04:28,467 --> 00:04:31,297
"Put a jacket on, whores."
116
00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:32,670
That's my signature.
117
00:04:32,767 --> 00:04:34,797
"Life--it's literally
all you have.
118
00:04:34,900 --> 00:04:36,800
"And you're a bunch
of stuck-up sluts.
119
00:04:36,900 --> 00:04:38,370
Signed, Forrest MacNeil."
120
00:04:38,467 --> 00:04:39,867
I guess
they'd get a big kick
121
00:04:39,967 --> 00:04:41,797
out of seeing my name
signed on there, huh?
122
00:04:41,900 --> 00:04:43,800
(Forrest)
Apparently, Josh and Tina
had not felt it adequate
123
00:04:43,900 --> 00:04:46,830
to simply point the finger at me
for a minor crime.
124
00:04:46,933 --> 00:04:49,073
This was supposed
to be stolen avocados.
125
00:04:49,133 --> 00:04:51,973
(Forrest)
Instead, they chose
the fiery destruction of a house
126
00:04:52,067 --> 00:04:53,867
inhabited by college girls,
127
00:04:53,967 --> 00:04:56,367
and they constructed
an impressively thorough trail
128
00:04:56,467 --> 00:04:58,327
- of evidence linking me to it.
[gavel bangs]
129
00:04:58,433 --> 00:05:00,403
(judge)
Forrest MacNeil,
you are charged with arson
130
00:05:00,500 --> 00:05:02,400
in the second degree,
attempted murder.
131
00:05:02,500 --> 00:05:04,700
(Forrest)
Their departure from the plan
was, to say the least...
132
00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:05,730
How do you plead?
133
00:05:05,833 --> 00:05:06,733
(Forrest)
Startling.
134
00:05:06,833 --> 00:05:09,573
Not guilty.
135
00:05:09,667 --> 00:05:11,227
How could you do that?
136
00:05:11,333 --> 00:05:12,503
People could've been
killed in there,
137
00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:14,170
and then I would be blamed
for it.
138
00:05:14,267 --> 00:05:15,297
I don't know what you're
talking about, Mr. MacNeil.
139
00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:17,170
Yeah, I had friends
in that house.
140
00:05:17,267 --> 00:05:19,127
Dear, dear friends.
141
00:05:19,233 --> 00:05:22,073
Guys, we need to drop the act
for a minute, all right,
142
00:05:22,100 --> 00:05:24,300
because this is
a very serious crime.
143
00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:29,100
This is 10 to 15 years
in jail.
144
00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:31,570
In jail! Do you understand
what that means?
145
00:05:31,667 --> 00:05:33,097
We got to figure out a way
to get me out of this, okay?
146
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:35,830
No. We're not gonna
get you out of this, okay?
147
00:05:35,933 --> 00:05:38,233
You deserve the punishment
you get.
148
00:05:38,333 --> 00:05:40,733
Yeah, you're evil.
149
00:05:40,833 --> 00:05:43,903
Oh, oh, my God,
I just felt it.
150
00:05:44,067 --> 00:05:45,097
What are you talking about?
151
00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:46,970
She's really sensitive
to evil.
152
00:05:47,067 --> 00:05:48,167
You know I'm not evil. Guys,
guys, all right, all right.
153
00:05:48,267 --> 00:05:49,967
Hey, forget
about what I said before.
154
00:05:50,067 --> 00:05:51,467
Oh.
155
00:05:51,567 --> 00:05:56,067
- You're doing such a good job.
- [chuckles]
156
00:05:57,267 --> 00:05:58,727
(Forrest)
As an indicted arsonist,
157
00:05:58,833 --> 00:06:01,733
I now felt accusing eyes
on me wherever I went...
158
00:06:01,833 --> 00:06:03,673
Hi.
159
00:06:03,767 --> 00:06:05,467
(Forrest)
The world's suspicion
landing on my shoulders
160
00:06:05,567 --> 00:06:07,797
with devastating weight.
161
00:06:07,900 --> 00:06:10,630
Feeling alone and distrusted,
162
00:06:10,733 --> 00:06:13,533
I sought the support of my only
lifelong ally, my father.
163
00:06:13,633 --> 00:06:15,733
I did not do it.
164
00:06:15,833 --> 00:06:17,133
- I know.
- Thank you.
165
00:06:17,233 --> 00:06:20,073
- I need that.
- I believe you.
166
00:06:21,567 --> 00:06:25,367
But let's just say
that you did do it, you know?
167
00:06:25,467 --> 00:06:27,267
What did you have
against those girls?
168
00:06:27,367 --> 00:06:28,697
[sighs]
169
00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:29,700
(Forrest)
Even my dad thought me capable
170
00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:32,630
of sorority house arson.
171
00:06:32,733 --> 00:06:35,533
My lawyer and I
met to strategize my defense.
172
00:06:35,633 --> 00:06:37,903
They have offered
you a plea deal,
173
00:06:38,067 --> 00:06:39,727
and I think
it's quite generous.
174
00:06:39,833 --> 00:06:42,973
You would do eight years
in jail,
175
00:06:43,067 --> 00:06:47,197
and then
you would get out.
176
00:06:47,300 --> 00:06:49,270
Eight years.
177
00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:51,167
[sighs]
178
00:06:55,267 --> 00:06:56,197
(Forrest)
Before turning myself in
179
00:06:56,300 --> 00:06:57,630
to serve eight years in prison
180
00:06:57,733 --> 00:06:59,303
for a crime I did not commit,
181
00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:00,730
not even a little bit,
182
00:07:00,833 --> 00:07:02,203
there was one thing
I had not tried.
183
00:07:02,300 --> 00:07:03,870
Please, please, please.
184
00:07:03,967 --> 00:07:05,627
I am begging you.
I didn't do it.
185
00:07:05,733 --> 00:07:07,433
We should've had a safe word,
you guys.
186
00:07:07,533 --> 00:07:08,733
Something like pineapple,
187
00:07:08,833 --> 00:07:10,933
so I could say pineapple, guys,
pineapple.
188
00:07:11,067 --> 00:07:13,267
You have to tell them
I'm innocent, please.
189
00:07:13,367 --> 00:07:15,927
We can't tell them you're
innocent because you're guilty.
190
00:07:16,067 --> 00:07:17,927
You have to stop
saying that, okay?
191
00:07:18,067 --> 00:07:19,467
You know the truth.
Please.
192
00:07:19,567 --> 00:07:22,097
Mr. MacNeil, the truth is,
you wanted to kill them,
193
00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:23,600
so you burned down
their house.
194
00:07:23,700 --> 00:07:25,100
Shut up, shut up, shut up!
Stop saying that.
195
00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:26,930
It isn't true!
You're ruining my life.
196
00:07:27,067 --> 00:07:28,927
Mr. MacNeil, you know
what's ruining your life?
197
00:07:29,067 --> 00:07:31,797
You're lying to everybody.
Stop lying. Just confess.
198
00:07:31,900 --> 00:07:33,870
You'll feel better
if you confess.
199
00:07:33,967 --> 00:07:35,527
[together]
Confess, confess, confess!
200
00:07:35,633 --> 00:07:36,533
Confess, confess,
confess, confess!
201
00:07:36,633 --> 00:07:37,873
[phone rings]
202
00:07:37,967 --> 00:07:39,567
(Forrest)
Then, in my darkest hour,
203
00:07:39,667 --> 00:07:41,927
there shone
a miraculous ray of light.
204
00:07:42,067 --> 00:07:44,067
Shut up! It's my lawyer.
It's my lawyer.
205
00:07:44,100 --> 00:07:45,930
What? Oh, God, what?
What?
206
00:07:46,067 --> 00:07:47,367
Oh.
207
00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:49,827
Oh, you're kidding me.
208
00:07:49,933 --> 00:07:51,833
Oh, my God.
209
00:07:51,933 --> 00:07:54,273
Oh, thank God.
Okay, oh, yes.
210
00:07:54,367 --> 00:07:56,197
Okay, bye.
211
00:07:56,300 --> 00:07:59,070
- The charges have been dropped.
- Really?
212
00:07:59,100 --> 00:08:01,270
They arrested somebody else
for it, some woman named...
213
00:08:01,367 --> 00:08:03,667
[together]
Tracy Mahidi.
214
00:08:03,767 --> 00:08:06,227
(Forrest)
As it turned out,
Tina had a psychotic roommate
215
00:08:06,333 --> 00:08:07,573
who told her
that she was going
216
00:08:07,667 --> 00:08:09,727
to set the Zeta Kappa house
on fire.
217
00:08:09,833 --> 00:08:11,433
Rather than warn the police,
218
00:08:11,533 --> 00:08:13,073
which is what
you're supposed to do,
219
00:08:13,100 --> 00:08:15,230
Josh and Tina framed me
for the crime.
220
00:08:15,333 --> 00:08:18,073
Thankfully, the crazy roommate
later confessed.
221
00:08:18,100 --> 00:08:19,870
All the blood went out of you,
and you were like,
222
00:08:19,967 --> 00:08:22,497
"Pineapple, pineapple,
pineapple."
223
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:23,670
Have a really good night,
okay?
224
00:08:23,767 --> 00:08:25,527
I will see you.
225
00:08:31,267 --> 00:08:33,197
Welcome home.
226
00:08:33,300 --> 00:08:35,230
(Forrest)
I was relieved
to have the charges dropped,
227
00:08:35,333 --> 00:08:37,203
but having been brought
to the edge of serving
228
00:08:37,300 --> 00:08:41,070
significant time in prison
and having seen my own father
229
00:08:41,167 --> 00:08:43,667
believe me capable
of setting a house on fire
230
00:08:43,767 --> 00:08:45,327
and letting it burn,
231
00:08:45,433 --> 00:08:48,733
well, I felt my punishment
had already been served.
232
00:08:48,833 --> 00:08:51,803
Being falsely accused,
one star.
233
00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:57,400
Your next review
comes from Stephen Shea,
234
00:08:57,500 --> 00:09:00,900
a high school sophomore
in Muscatine, Iowa.
235
00:09:01,067 --> 00:09:02,727
Hey, Forrest,
I've got a big crush
236
00:09:02,833 --> 00:09:04,303
on my algebra teacher,
Mrs. Greenfield.
237
00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:05,970
And I keep wondering,
238
00:09:06,067 --> 00:09:07,627
what would it be like to have
sex with your teacher?
239
00:09:07,733 --> 00:09:09,473
[scoffs]
240
00:09:09,567 --> 00:09:11,897
You know, Stephen's curiosity
is very understandable.
241
00:09:12,067 --> 00:09:14,667
He'd like to know what it's like
to sleep with Mrs. Greenfield,
242
00:09:14,767 --> 00:09:17,067
and I'm going to find out.
243
00:09:17,100 --> 00:09:18,070
Oh--
244
00:09:21,933 --> 00:09:24,873
(Forrest)
Sleeping with Mrs. Greenfield
presented daunting challenges.
245
00:09:24,967 --> 00:09:27,797
I had never met her,
and she was obviously married.
246
00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:29,630
Oh.
She's charming.
247
00:09:29,733 --> 00:09:31,573
(Forrest)
But thanks to our modern
collective disinterest
248
00:09:31,667 --> 00:09:34,067
in privacy, I was able
to find basic information
249
00:09:34,167 --> 00:09:36,527
about my sex target rapidly.
250
00:09:36,633 --> 00:09:38,173
Yeah.
251
00:09:38,267 --> 00:09:40,297
It'll be a pleasure
to have sex with her.
252
00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:42,700
(Forrest)
For Stephen, Mrs. Greenfield's
adolescent student,
253
00:09:42,800 --> 00:09:46,200
she represented forbidden fruit,
an impossible conquest.
254
00:09:46,300 --> 00:09:47,870
For me, a divorced adult,
255
00:09:47,967 --> 00:09:50,497
stalking a married woman
halfway across the country,
256
00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:53,900
the situation
was basically the same.
257
00:09:54,067 --> 00:09:56,227
Mrs. Greenfield
alerted the entire world
258
00:09:56,333 --> 00:09:58,073
by way of the social media web
259
00:09:58,100 --> 00:09:59,800
that she'd be meeting
some girlfriends
260
00:09:59,900 --> 00:10:02,370
for '90s trivia night
at this local bar.
261
00:10:02,467 --> 00:10:04,727
Hey there, do you guys mind
if I join your team?
262
00:10:04,833 --> 00:10:06,633
I'm sorry. It's just kind of
a girl power kind of night.
263
00:10:06,733 --> 00:10:07,733
Can you scooch over
just a little bit there?
264
00:10:07,833 --> 00:10:08,973
It's just us ladies.
265
00:10:09,067 --> 00:10:10,367
Mind giving a little bit
of room there?
266
00:10:10,467 --> 00:10:12,027
You know, you'd probably
be more comfortable
267
00:10:12,133 --> 00:10:14,533
if you kept scooching over just
elbow room-wise--good, okay.
268
00:10:14,633 --> 00:10:16,373
(Forrest)
Although this predatory behavior
269
00:10:16,467 --> 00:10:18,197
felt wrong on many levels,
270
00:10:18,300 --> 00:10:21,170
I knew I had to continue,
for the good of humanity.
271
00:10:21,267 --> 00:10:23,127
I've been brushing up
on the '90s.
272
00:10:23,233 --> 00:10:26,233
I know all about, you know,
Diff'rent Strokes and Webster.
273
00:10:26,333 --> 00:10:28,373
I think that was the--
that's the '80s.
274
00:10:28,467 --> 00:10:30,127
Nancy Reagan's
"Just say no" thing,
275
00:10:30,233 --> 00:10:31,503
reading up on that
last night.
276
00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:32,500
That's the '80s as well.
277
00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:33,700
And the various people
278
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:36,000
that got involved,
you know, with that.
279
00:10:36,100 --> 00:10:37,500
In the movie Office Space,
280
00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:40,370
what item did Peter pull
from the rubble?
281
00:10:40,467 --> 00:10:42,097
- Yes.
- Red scissors.
282
00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:44,030
- No. Anybody else?
- Red stapler.
283
00:10:44,133 --> 00:10:45,573
Yes, red stapler.
284
00:10:45,667 --> 00:10:47,027
What's the difference?
It's the same thing.
285
00:10:47,133 --> 00:10:48,603
Um, one's staples,
one's a scissor.
286
00:10:48,700 --> 00:10:50,100
Can we get half credit
for that?
287
00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:51,430
- No, you don't. No.
- You got the--
288
00:10:51,533 --> 00:10:52,933
She--
Well, you got the color right.
289
00:10:53,033 --> 00:10:54,933
- You got the color right.
- It's fine.
290
00:10:55,033 --> 00:10:56,033
(Forrest)
I paid a lot of special
attention to Mrs. Greenfield.
291
00:10:56,133 --> 00:10:58,103
Yes.
How did you know that?
292
00:10:58,200 --> 00:10:59,530
I watched a ton
of Soul Train.
293
00:10:59,633 --> 00:11:01,303
That is amazing.
294
00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:03,200
(Forrest)
And thanks to alcohol
and flattery,
295
00:11:03,300 --> 00:11:06,100
I was making
surprisingly good progress.
296
00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:08,330
Wow, that's great, so you've got
now just the two cats.
297
00:11:08,433 --> 00:11:10,333
- Yeah.
- Okay.
298
00:11:10,433 --> 00:11:12,133
(Forrest)
As the night wore on
and her friends left the bar,
299
00:11:12,233 --> 00:11:15,203
sex with Mrs. Greenfield
seemed more and more likely.
300
00:11:15,300 --> 00:11:17,170
So what's your story,
mystery man...
301
00:11:17,267 --> 00:11:18,297
Hmm, oh, well...
302
00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:19,770
With you in the middle
of nowhere?
303
00:11:19,867 --> 00:11:21,867
Oh, I live in Hollywood,
California, actually.
304
00:11:21,967 --> 00:11:24,067
(Forrest)
My knowledge that
Mrs. Greenfield had minored
305
00:11:24,133 --> 00:11:26,073
in drama
was a valuable asset.
306
00:11:26,100 --> 00:11:29,970
Has anybody ever told you
that you should actress?
307
00:11:30,067 --> 00:11:31,767
You mean be a, like,
be an actress?
308
00:11:31,867 --> 00:11:33,067
Be an actress, yeah.
309
00:11:33,133 --> 00:11:34,373
Well, I am one.
310
00:11:34,467 --> 00:11:35,867
- I do teach, but, like...
- Okay.
311
00:11:35,967 --> 00:11:37,627
I also actress.
312
00:11:37,733 --> 00:11:39,073
Do you really?
313
00:11:39,100 --> 00:11:40,630
I think I should
switch to waters.
314
00:11:40,733 --> 00:11:42,073
- I'm gonna switch to water.
- Oh, no, no, no.
315
00:11:42,100 --> 00:11:43,230
No, you don't, sir.
316
00:11:43,333 --> 00:11:45,073
I'm gonna buy you
a pitcher.
317
00:11:45,100 --> 00:11:47,070
- What? A pitcher?
- Yes. Here we go.
318
00:11:47,167 --> 00:11:49,767
(Forrest)
As our evening progressed,
I saw that Mrs. Greenfield
319
00:11:49,867 --> 00:11:54,197
was a dreamer being held back by
a distant and uncaring spouse,
320
00:11:54,300 --> 00:11:56,170
and that moved me greatly.
321
00:11:56,267 --> 00:11:57,767
Just pull it off.
322
00:11:57,867 --> 00:12:00,297
(Forrest)
That night,
I had truly glorious sex
323
00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:01,970
with Mrs. Greenfield.
324
00:12:02,067 --> 00:12:03,627
Though I do not know
what she's like in a classroom,
325
00:12:03,733 --> 00:12:06,103
in bed,
she is a gifted teacher,
326
00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:07,730
revealing to me
sexual positions
327
00:12:07,833 --> 00:12:10,403
that have broadened my horizons
and expanded my mind.
328
00:12:10,500 --> 00:12:12,970
It was amazing.
329
00:12:13,067 --> 00:12:15,597
My review might
have ended here
330
00:12:15,700 --> 00:12:17,430
but for
a surprising development.
331
00:12:17,533 --> 00:12:19,133
Sounds like a fun activity.
332
00:12:19,233 --> 00:12:21,233
Mrs. Greenfield?
333
00:12:21,333 --> 00:12:23,473
- Oh, hi, Stephen.
- Oh.
334
00:12:23,567 --> 00:12:24,767
This is Stephen.
335
00:12:24,867 --> 00:12:26,427
Yes. Hello.
336
00:12:26,533 --> 00:12:28,303
- I didn't mean it like that.
- Oh.
337
00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:29,970
Well, I don't know,
338
00:12:30,067 --> 00:12:32,767
uh, who you are
or w-what you could ever mean
339
00:12:32,867 --> 00:12:34,727
- by that or anything else.
- Okay.
340
00:12:34,833 --> 00:12:36,273
- So yeah.
- It was good to run into you.
341
00:12:36,367 --> 00:12:37,667
- We'll see you later.
- Very good. Okay.
342
00:12:37,767 --> 00:12:40,267
Hey, I meant your teacher,
not my teacher.
343
00:12:40,367 --> 00:12:42,167
I don't have a teacher.
344
00:12:42,267 --> 00:12:44,067
I'm a grown-up, so I couldn't
have done that, okay?
345
00:12:44,167 --> 00:12:46,727
Yeah, screw you.
And your show sucks.
346
00:12:46,833 --> 00:12:48,503
Come on.
347
00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:50,070
- Do not engage with him.
- What?
348
00:12:50,100 --> 00:12:51,470
(Mrs. Greenfield)
He is off.
349
00:12:51,567 --> 00:12:54,467
(Forrest)
No, he's just a nice young man.
350
00:12:54,567 --> 00:12:59,167
Well, an awkward ending
to a very enjoyable experience.
351
00:12:59,267 --> 00:13:01,197
Stephen, I'm sorry.
352
00:13:01,300 --> 00:13:03,930
It couldn't have been easy
watching me make beautiful
353
00:13:04,067 --> 00:13:06,767
and athletic love
to the woman of your dreams.
354
00:13:06,867 --> 00:13:08,767
But let's agree,
we were both at fault here.
355
00:13:08,867 --> 00:13:11,267
Your question
was confusingly worded.
356
00:13:11,367 --> 00:13:13,967
And I am very happy to announce
that Mrs. Greenfield
357
00:13:14,067 --> 00:13:17,127
has left her oppressive husband
and her dismal life
358
00:13:17,233 --> 00:13:20,073
as your math teacher
to join me here in California,
359
00:13:20,167 --> 00:13:22,727
where we are having
lots more sex.
360
00:13:22,833 --> 00:13:24,933
This has been
a life-changing assignment.
361
00:13:25,067 --> 00:13:28,427
And again, Stephen,
I am sorry.
362
00:13:28,533 --> 00:13:30,373
I give sleeping
with your teacher
363
00:13:30,467 --> 00:13:32,967
five brightly shining stars.
364
00:13:33,067 --> 00:13:35,267
- Highly recommended.
- Oh.
365
00:13:35,367 --> 00:13:38,397
Yay, a new girlfriend
for Forrest.
366
00:13:38,500 --> 00:13:39,930
I really like her.
367
00:13:40,067 --> 00:13:42,097
I think sometimes
the best relationships start out
368
00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:44,370
in the grossest
and most messed up ways.
369
00:13:44,467 --> 00:13:46,567
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
370
00:13:50,067 --> 00:13:53,397
[triumphant music]
371
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,870
May I have
my next review, please?
372
00:13:55,967 --> 00:13:58,067
This one comes
from a William Nilly
373
00:13:58,167 --> 00:13:59,397
in Ellsworth,
Pennsylvania.
374
00:13:59,500 --> 00:14:01,400
- Mm-hmm.
- He writes...
375
00:14:09,900 --> 00:14:11,670
Hmm.
376
00:14:11,767 --> 00:14:14,827
Well, sounds like I'm going to
have to help this gargantuan man
377
00:14:14,933 --> 00:14:18,073
by exploring what it's like
to be a little person.
378
00:14:18,167 --> 00:14:19,367
Oh, actually, Forrest,
379
00:14:19,467 --> 00:14:21,597
they prefer the term
"little people."
380
00:14:21,700 --> 00:14:22,830
They're not just one person.
381
00:14:22,933 --> 00:14:25,103
Yes, well, my apologies.
382
00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:27,400
Okay, here I go.
383
00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:30,170
(A.J.)
Oh, the farther you go,
the smaller you get.
384
00:14:30,267 --> 00:14:31,527
So far so good.
385
00:14:31,633 --> 00:14:33,673
Thank you.
386
00:14:33,767 --> 00:14:36,927
(Forrest)
There is a genuine little person
who works in my office building.
387
00:14:37,067 --> 00:14:41,767
I took in every aspect
of his stature.
388
00:14:41,867 --> 00:14:45,597
- Can I help you?
- No.
389
00:14:45,700 --> 00:14:47,430
(Forrest)
I've never considered
what it would be like
390
00:14:47,533 --> 00:14:49,373
to live in a world
where everything is designed
391
00:14:49,467 --> 00:14:52,297
for people much bigger
than you.
392
00:14:55,367 --> 00:14:58,197
But I was about to find out.
393
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:02,800
- Hey, Mr. MacNeil.
- Hi.
394
00:15:02,900 --> 00:15:04,070
Your giant ruler arrived.
395
00:15:04,167 --> 00:15:05,767
Oh. Well, no.
396
00:15:05,867 --> 00:15:10,327
Now, Josh, that's a normal-sized
ruler, one foot long.
397
00:15:10,433 --> 00:15:14,073
But it's--it's so big.
398
00:15:14,167 --> 00:15:16,297
No, it's normal-sized.
399
00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:18,070
I'm small.
400
00:15:18,100 --> 00:15:19,530
Oh.
401
00:15:19,633 --> 00:15:21,403
Yes.
402
00:15:21,500 --> 00:15:22,870
(Forrest)
From the beginning,
I found it to be
403
00:15:22,967 --> 00:15:25,627
strangely disorienting.
404
00:15:25,733 --> 00:15:29,073
Even everyday tasks
became more difficult.
405
00:15:29,167 --> 00:15:31,567
Oh, Ah! Ah!
406
00:15:31,667 --> 00:15:34,067
(Forrest)
And the people in my life,
even my loved ones,
407
00:15:34,133 --> 00:15:36,973
discriminated against me
constantly.
408
00:15:37,067 --> 00:15:40,227
Forrest,
what are you doing?
409
00:15:40,333 --> 00:15:42,073
I'm brushing my teeth.
410
00:15:42,167 --> 00:15:44,867
Or am I too small for that?
411
00:15:44,967 --> 00:15:46,397
No.
412
00:15:46,500 --> 00:15:50,470
You're not small at all.
413
00:15:50,567 --> 00:15:52,067
(Forrest)
Though I hated to admit it,
414
00:15:52,100 --> 00:15:53,500
my father was right.
415
00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:56,800
I had not fully committed
to this review.
416
00:15:56,900 --> 00:15:59,200
I was not small at all.
417
00:16:04,500 --> 00:16:06,100
Hey, Mr. MacNeil.
418
00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:07,900
I got your normal-sized
breakfast.
419
00:16:08,067 --> 00:16:10,097
That is not
a normal-sized breakfast.
420
00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:12,100
That's a gigantic breakfast.
Get rid of it, please.
421
00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:14,300
And we're getting rid of
all the other nonsense upstairs.
422
00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:15,600
And come on off those stilts.
423
00:16:15,700 --> 00:16:17,470
It's time to get serious.
424
00:16:17,567 --> 00:16:19,397
Okay, sorry.
425
00:16:21,767 --> 00:16:24,197
You might want
to watch your head there.
426
00:16:24,300 --> 00:16:27,070
(Josh)
It's kind of a bummer, 'cause,
like, I just got used to these.
427
00:16:27,133 --> 00:16:29,633
(Forrest)
Mm-hmm.
428
00:16:29,733 --> 00:16:32,473
I'd found a VHS tape
in my dad's video collection
429
00:16:32,567 --> 00:16:35,167
of a charming little man
named Dorf on Golf.
430
00:16:35,267 --> 00:16:37,327
He is played
by the actor Tim Conway
431
00:16:37,433 --> 00:16:40,203
and bears an amusing resemblance
to Hitler.
432
00:16:40,300 --> 00:16:44,200
A new plan was born.
433
00:16:44,300 --> 00:16:46,200
Passing through the world
of the normals,
434
00:16:46,300 --> 00:16:48,770
I was subjected
to constant discrimination
435
00:16:48,867 --> 00:16:50,467
and blatant rudeness.
436
00:16:50,567 --> 00:16:53,067
[scoffs]
437
00:16:53,133 --> 00:16:54,533
Hey, hey.
438
00:16:54,633 --> 00:16:56,073
I'm crossing here.
439
00:16:56,100 --> 00:16:57,930
[horn honks]
- Move it, jerk-off.
440
00:16:58,067 --> 00:16:59,627
- What's the matter?
- Get out of the road.
441
00:16:59,733 --> 00:17:01,373
It takes the time it takes
to walk across the street.
442
00:17:01,467 --> 00:17:03,327
[horn honks]
443
00:17:03,433 --> 00:17:05,203
(Forrest)
Sadly, I found even those
from my own community
444
00:17:05,300 --> 00:17:08,330
didn't accept me,
so deep was their self-loathing.
445
00:17:08,433 --> 00:17:10,903
Can I help you?
446
00:17:11,067 --> 00:17:13,067
No.
447
00:17:15,767 --> 00:17:18,067
(Forrest)
But perhaps
the greatest adversity I faced
448
00:17:18,167 --> 00:17:21,967
was the overzealous desire
of everybody to help me.
449
00:17:24,933 --> 00:17:26,873
There you go.
450
00:17:28,933 --> 00:17:30,103
What are you after,
the remote? Here.
451
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:31,970
Yeah. No, I got it.
No, I got it.
452
00:17:32,067 --> 00:17:34,167
Dad. [sighs]
I had it.
453
00:17:34,267 --> 00:17:36,627
(Forrest)
Despite their good intentions,
the people in my life
454
00:17:36,733 --> 00:17:39,673
seemed to assume I was helpless
to make it on my own
455
00:17:39,767 --> 00:17:44,267
in this normal-sized world.
456
00:17:44,367 --> 00:17:45,397
Should I just--
457
00:17:45,500 --> 00:17:47,330
I can do it myself.
458
00:17:47,433 --> 00:17:48,603
Okay, sorry.
459
00:17:48,700 --> 00:17:50,070
(Forrest)
Even Mrs. Greenfield,
460
00:17:50,100 --> 00:17:52,300
whose loving support
had done so much
461
00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:54,330
to help me move on
from my ex-wife,
462
00:17:54,433 --> 00:17:58,773
had no faith in my ability
to do the most basic activities.
463
00:17:58,867 --> 00:18:00,867
I'll just give you
this one boost.
464
00:18:00,967 --> 00:18:03,327
Would you give a normal-sized
person a boost into bed?
465
00:18:03,433 --> 00:18:06,373
(Forrest)
To really discover the
experience of a little person,
466
00:18:06,467 --> 00:18:09,827
I would have
to contend for myself.
467
00:18:09,933 --> 00:18:11,473
All right, you two, get going.
468
00:18:11,567 --> 00:18:13,067
- All right, but I--
- Gosh.
469
00:18:13,133 --> 00:18:16,503
I'll see you
in a couple of hours, okay?
470
00:18:19,867 --> 00:18:21,127
I've sent my dad
471
00:18:21,233 --> 00:18:23,103
and Mrs. Greenfield out
for a couple of hours
472
00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:26,200
so that I can prepare
a surprise meal made by me,
473
00:18:26,300 --> 00:18:28,700
here in
this regular-sized kitchen.
474
00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:31,870
Now, Mrs. Greenfield
has let it slip
475
00:18:31,967 --> 00:18:34,797
that her favorite vegetable
is Brussels sprouts.
476
00:18:34,900 --> 00:18:37,770
But has she ever had them
with my signature paprika?
477
00:18:37,867 --> 00:18:39,497
I don't think so.
478
00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:41,330
I know I took out the paprika.
479
00:18:41,433 --> 00:18:42,373
Oh, there it is.
480
00:18:42,467 --> 00:18:45,167
All righty.
Very good.
481
00:18:45,267 --> 00:18:46,427
Oh, what is that?
482
00:18:46,533 --> 00:18:47,933
Oh, [bleep].
483
00:18:48,067 --> 00:18:50,427
Oh, wow. Oh, no.
Oh, [bleep].
484
00:18:50,533 --> 00:18:52,073
Okay, all right,
all right, all right.
485
00:18:52,100 --> 00:18:54,130
Here we go.
486
00:18:54,233 --> 00:18:56,173
Oh, [bleep].
Oh.
487
00:18:56,267 --> 00:18:58,167
Oh, no.
Oh, my God.
488
00:18:58,267 --> 00:18:59,327
Oh, [bleep].
489
00:18:59,433 --> 00:19:02,073
Oh, [bleep].
Oh, [bleep].
490
00:19:02,133 --> 00:19:04,373
(Forrest)
Under the usual circumstances
of my life,
491
00:19:04,467 --> 00:19:07,067
I could easily have grabbed
this fire extinguisher
492
00:19:07,133 --> 00:19:10,203
and put out the blaze that was
rapidly engulfing the kitchen.
493
00:19:10,300 --> 00:19:11,600
[bleep].
Oh, [bleep], [bleep].
494
00:19:11,700 --> 00:19:13,770
(Forrest)
But now I was a little person,
495
00:19:13,867 --> 00:19:16,897
a simple truth that outweighed
any other considerations,
496
00:19:17,067 --> 00:19:19,927
be it my personal safety
or my father's house.
497
00:19:20,067 --> 00:19:21,767
Oh, I got to get out of here!
[fire alarm blaring]
498
00:19:21,867 --> 00:19:23,167
I got to get out of here!
499
00:19:23,267 --> 00:19:25,767
Oh, [bleep].
[screaming]
500
00:19:25,867 --> 00:19:27,867
I got to get out of here!
501
00:19:27,967 --> 00:19:30,567
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
502
00:19:30,667 --> 00:19:33,697
Aw, [bleep].
503
00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:35,100
Oh, God.
504
00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:38,130
[grunting]
505
00:19:39,700 --> 00:19:43,100
Oh, [bleep].
Oh.
506
00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:45,430
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
507
00:19:45,533 --> 00:19:48,433
[crying]
508
00:19:48,533 --> 00:19:52,473
Where is
the goddamn fire department?
509
00:19:52,567 --> 00:19:55,167
[bleep].
510
00:19:55,267 --> 00:19:59,397
In what must be a common
experience for little people,
511
00:19:59,500 --> 00:20:02,400
a fire extinguisher
was thoughtlessly placed
512
00:20:02,500 --> 00:20:07,100
at a regular person's height
off the ground.
513
00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:10,470
As a little person, that didn't
do me any good at all.
514
00:20:10,567 --> 00:20:12,797
- No! No!
- God.
515
00:20:12,900 --> 00:20:15,670
- Forrest.
- No, no, no, no, no!
516
00:20:15,767 --> 00:20:16,667
- Oh, God.
- What have you done?
517
00:20:16,767 --> 00:20:17,797
Come on, move, move.
518
00:20:17,900 --> 00:20:19,830
I am moving
as fast as I can.
519
00:20:19,933 --> 00:20:21,303
No, could you just stand up
for a second?
520
00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:22,930
- Don't tell me to stand up!
- Come on!
521
00:20:23,033 --> 00:20:24,573
- I am standing up.
- The house is on fire!
522
00:20:24,667 --> 00:20:27,467
That is the cruelest thing
you can say to a little person.
523
00:20:27,567 --> 00:20:29,667
Dad, why was
the fire extinguisher
524
00:20:29,767 --> 00:20:31,667
so high off the ground?
525
00:20:31,767 --> 00:20:34,567
- Stand up!
[siren wails]
526
00:20:34,667 --> 00:20:36,367
Everything is in there.
527
00:20:41,833 --> 00:20:43,233
Being a little person
528
00:20:43,333 --> 00:20:45,503
gave me a tremendous sense
of accomplishment
529
00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:49,530
as I contended with the world
up here from down there.
530
00:20:49,633 --> 00:20:50,973
But a tremendous sense
of accomplishment
531
00:20:51,067 --> 00:20:53,027
does not put out fires,
532
00:20:53,133 --> 00:20:55,673
as my father
so painfully found out.
533
00:20:55,767 --> 00:20:59,327
Being a little person,
3 1/2 stars.
534
00:21:02,833 --> 00:21:05,073
Well, that's all the time
we have for Review tonight.
535
00:21:05,167 --> 00:21:07,497
Please be sure
and join us next time.
536
00:21:15,767 --> 00:21:17,397
By the way,
how are you coming on finding me
537
00:21:17,500 --> 00:21:19,100
a normal-sized bowl to go
with my normal-sized spoon
538
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:21,100
so that I can have
a normal amount of soup?
539
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:24,070
So you mean, like--
like, a really big bowl, right?
540
00:21:24,100 --> 00:21:26,500
Just do your best, okay?
40607
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