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1
00:00:09,467 --> 00:00:10,897
Life--it's literally
all we have.
2
00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:11,900
But is it any good?
3
00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:13,270
I'm a reviewer,
4
00:00:13,367 --> 00:00:14,267
but I don't review
5
00:00:14,367 --> 00:00:15,927
food, books, or movies.
6
00:00:16,033 --> 00:00:18,003
I review life itself.
7
00:00:18,100 --> 00:00:19,600
[screams]
8
00:00:19,700 --> 00:00:21,530
[triumphant music]
9
00:00:21,633 --> 00:00:23,233
[parrot squawks]
10
00:00:23,333 --> 00:00:26,773
*
11
00:00:26,867 --> 00:00:28,067
Over here.
12
00:00:28,167 --> 00:00:32,097
*
13
00:00:33,767 --> 00:00:36,097
Hello, and welcome
to Review.
14
00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:39,170
I'm Forrest MacNeil,
your intrepid lifeonaut
15
00:00:39,267 --> 00:00:41,397
and, at mission control,
as always,
16
00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:42,730
is A.J. Gibbs.
17
00:00:42,833 --> 00:00:45,003
A.J. what adventure awaits?
18
00:00:45,100 --> 00:00:46,530
Me pressing a button.
19
00:00:46,633 --> 00:00:48,703
Right. Yes, but I was
talking about
20
00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:50,270
what adventure awaits me?
21
00:00:50,367 --> 00:00:51,727
Oh, well,
my adventure comes first.
22
00:00:51,833 --> 00:00:53,333
Fine.
23
00:00:53,433 --> 00:00:57,033
Your first review comes from
Vicksburg, Mississippi.
24
00:00:57,133 --> 00:01:00,273
Forrest, our son James recently
came out as a homosexual.
25
00:01:00,367 --> 00:01:03,227
We want to be supportive,
but we just don't understand.
26
00:01:03,333 --> 00:01:04,903
Maybe if we had
a better sense of what
27
00:01:05,067 --> 00:01:06,467
he's thinking and feeling,
28
00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:08,767
we might have a better idea
of how to cure him.
29
00:01:08,867 --> 00:01:11,397
Which is an experience
we both dream of having.
30
00:01:11,500 --> 00:01:14,700
What's it like
to cure a gay person?
31
00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:17,070
Ah-ha. Curing
a gay person
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00:01:17,167 --> 00:01:20,127
of being a gay person.
33
00:01:20,233 --> 00:01:23,333
Oh, Forrest, you're gonna use
one of your vetoes right?
34
00:01:23,433 --> 00:01:26,403
[dramatic music]
35
00:01:26,500 --> 00:01:29,170
[clears throat]
I am, uh, permitted
36
00:01:29,267 --> 00:01:31,397
to deploy two vetoes
this season,
37
00:01:31,500 --> 00:01:33,530
but it's my job to decide
when to do that
38
00:01:33,633 --> 00:01:35,303
and, uh--
39
00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:39,530
No. No. I do not think
that now is the time. No.
40
00:01:39,633 --> 00:01:42,503
Well, I'm off to, uh...
41
00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:45,070
I'm off
to cure a gay person.
42
00:01:45,100 --> 00:01:46,900
[whimsical music]
43
00:01:47,067 --> 00:01:50,227
(Forrest)
Gay people have existed
since people have existed.
44
00:01:50,333 --> 00:01:53,733
And, yet, in all that time
I have never closely considered
45
00:01:53,833 --> 00:01:57,203
who they are
or why they might need curing.
46
00:01:57,300 --> 00:02:00,470
I chose to begin my review
with a fact-finding mission
47
00:02:00,567 --> 00:02:03,067
to the gay sex shop
nearest my dad's house.
48
00:02:03,167 --> 00:02:05,067
Who is that man?
49
00:02:05,167 --> 00:02:08,297
(Forrest)
While there I was confronted
by a big realization.
50
00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:10,470
- Mystified.
(Forrest) It was so enormous
51
00:02:10,567 --> 00:02:12,967
I suddenly wondered if
this review was even possible
52
00:02:13,067 --> 00:02:15,797
and I knew I had to consult
my producer Grant.
53
00:02:15,900 --> 00:02:18,070
Completely mystifying.
54
00:02:18,100 --> 00:02:20,530
Have you ever
looked closely
55
00:02:20,633 --> 00:02:23,673
at a man's
flaccid penis?
56
00:02:23,767 --> 00:02:25,327
It looks like something
that belongs
57
00:02:25,433 --> 00:02:27,803
on the lightless
ocean floor
58
00:02:27,900 --> 00:02:31,130
and what if, when a gay man
looks at a woman's
59
00:02:31,233 --> 00:02:32,933
beautiful breasts,
he feels the same way.
60
00:02:33,067 --> 00:02:36,297
That they're like
sea blobs with nipples on them.
61
00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:38,530
I mean, if that's what
a gay man sees
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00:02:38,633 --> 00:02:40,133
when he looks at
a pair of breasts,
63
00:02:40,233 --> 00:02:41,803
how am I supposed
to change that?
64
00:02:41,900 --> 00:02:43,470
- It's impossible.
- Exactly.
65
00:02:43,567 --> 00:02:45,297
What am I supposed to do?
66
00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:49,470
Well, life is a parade of people
doing impossible things.
67
00:02:49,567 --> 00:02:52,297
- Wha--
- Hey, when you quit this show
68
00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:54,430
to go after your ex-wife
and she said it was too late
69
00:02:54,533 --> 00:02:56,433
- and she rejected you...
- Yeah.
70
00:02:56,533 --> 00:02:58,273
You vanished from
the face of the earth
71
00:02:58,367 --> 00:03:01,527
until a dog found you
sleeping in a crawl space
72
00:03:01,633 --> 00:03:03,773
- under a church.
- Yeah, it was a Rottweiler.
73
00:03:03,867 --> 00:03:06,097
But what if I had told you
back then
74
00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:09,070
that in less than a year
you would turn it all around.
75
00:03:09,100 --> 00:03:10,670
You'd have your old job back,
76
00:03:10,767 --> 00:03:12,097
you'd be dating a great
coma nurse.
77
00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:13,970
Oh, well, eh, no,
she and I broke up.
78
00:03:14,067 --> 00:03:15,467
Yeah, well,
that is exactly my point.
79
00:03:15,567 --> 00:03:16,767
Because you don't
need her anymore
80
00:03:16,867 --> 00:03:18,227
because
you're back out there,
81
00:03:18,333 --> 00:03:20,233
you're living
a brand-new life.
82
00:03:20,333 --> 00:03:22,403
So, if you can jump-start
a brand-new life,
83
00:03:22,500 --> 00:03:24,500
why do you think
a gay person can't?
84
00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:28,970
- Hmm.
- Are you so homophobic
85
00:03:29,067 --> 00:03:32,067
that you don't think
a gay man can do what you do
86
00:03:32,100 --> 00:03:34,500
just because he's gay?
87
00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:39,830
No. Definitely gay men
can do everything I can do
88
00:03:39,933 --> 00:03:41,733
and probably a lot better.
89
00:03:41,833 --> 00:03:43,433
- Thank you for that.
- You get out there.
90
00:03:43,533 --> 00:03:45,803
- Yeah.
- All right.
91
00:03:45,900 --> 00:03:48,930
(Forrest)
Grant had given me
a powerful way into this review.
92
00:03:49,067 --> 00:03:51,827
If I can get over my ex-wife,
then a gay person
93
00:03:51,933 --> 00:03:53,803
can surely get over
being gay.
94
00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:56,470
And if a gay person
can't get over being gay,
95
00:03:56,567 --> 00:03:58,967
maybe I can't get over
my ex-wife.
96
00:03:59,067 --> 00:04:01,497
But I can, and I did,
97
00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:03,400
and so can a gay person.
98
00:04:03,500 --> 00:04:06,570
I am a big fan of gays
and the whole gay lifestyle,
99
00:04:06,667 --> 00:04:08,797
but if you're tired of it,
give me a call, all right?
100
00:04:08,900 --> 00:04:10,870
I'll straighten you out.
101
00:04:10,967 --> 00:04:13,427
(Forrest)
I distributed hundreds
of brightly-colored fliers,
102
00:04:13,533 --> 00:04:15,573
but received
just a single response
103
00:04:15,667 --> 00:04:17,927
from a young man
who called himself Tim.
104
00:04:18,067 --> 00:04:22,127
Tim was a gay man who did not
want to be a gay man.
105
00:04:22,233 --> 00:04:26,203
Unlucky for him, but a very
lucky break for this review.
106
00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:27,700
My mom won't talk to me
107
00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:29,300
and my dad thinks
I'm going to hell.
108
00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:31,900
You know, it gets me
wondering that maybe
109
00:04:32,067 --> 00:04:35,227
God made me so depressed
to punish me.
110
00:04:35,333 --> 00:04:36,873
You know, Tim,
I was once like you.
111
00:04:36,967 --> 00:04:38,527
I knew it. I knew it.
112
00:04:38,633 --> 00:04:41,073
Oh, no, no.
I was never a homosexual.
113
00:04:41,167 --> 00:04:43,967
Nor was I ever attracted
to men sexually.
114
00:04:44,067 --> 00:04:46,097
But I was once
attracted to someone
115
00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:48,130
that I should not
have been attracted to.
116
00:04:48,233 --> 00:04:51,373
I'm talking about
my ex-wife, Suzanne.
117
00:04:51,467 --> 00:04:54,297
And I was able to overcome
my love for her,
118
00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:57,130
you, Tim,
will be able to overcome
119
00:04:57,233 --> 00:04:58,873
your unwanted love, too,
120
00:04:58,967 --> 00:05:00,197
but you have to be
willing to do it.
121
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,170
- Are you willing to do it?
- Yes.
122
00:05:02,267 --> 00:05:04,467
- Are you willing to work hard?
- Yes, I'll work hard.
123
00:05:04,567 --> 00:05:06,127
Do you believe that we
can do this together?
124
00:05:06,233 --> 00:05:08,073
Yes, I believe you,
Forrest.
125
00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:11,170
Okay.
126
00:05:11,267 --> 00:05:13,097
How?
127
00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:14,600
How what?
128
00:05:14,700 --> 00:05:16,530
(Forrest)
I, of course, had no idea,
129
00:05:16,633 --> 00:05:18,833
but I did know that
learning to un-love Suzanne
130
00:05:18,933 --> 00:05:20,403
had been traumatic.
131
00:05:20,500 --> 00:05:23,200
To spare Tim the same fate
I turned to an expert
132
00:05:23,300 --> 00:05:25,070
who definitely knew
what he was doing
133
00:05:25,167 --> 00:05:27,267
because he was once
a gay man himself.
134
00:05:27,367 --> 00:05:29,927
- I was a gay man myself once.
(Forrest) Oh, okay.
135
00:05:30,067 --> 00:05:32,727
(Dr. Arnold)
The disease of
homosexuality is rooted
136
00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:34,203
in the lack of masculine
affection
137
00:05:34,300 --> 00:05:35,700
in a young man's life.
138
00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:38,200
As a therapist,
you must offer that affection
139
00:05:38,300 --> 00:05:40,900
in order to make his
homosexuality go away.
140
00:05:41,067 --> 00:05:43,867
Just as my loving therapist
did for me.
141
00:05:43,967 --> 00:05:45,597
Dashing man.
142
00:05:45,700 --> 00:05:47,600
Yeah.
Well, how did he do that?
143
00:05:47,700 --> 00:05:50,100
(Forrest)
The technique
was called Holding.
144
00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:52,770
And while it may not be
supported by traditional
science,
145
00:05:52,867 --> 00:05:55,067
it was Dr. Arnold's
signature move.
146
00:05:55,167 --> 00:05:59,067
The idea was that by
seating himself on my
fully-clothed lap,
147
00:05:59,167 --> 00:06:01,667
Tim would lose the desire
to sit on another man's
148
00:06:01,767 --> 00:06:03,667
less fully-clothed lap.
149
00:06:03,767 --> 00:06:06,667
[whimsical music]
150
00:06:06,767 --> 00:06:08,097
*
151
00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:10,730
So, how you feeling?
152
00:06:10,833 --> 00:06:14,333
Um, just maybe wanted
to talk to you about cologne.
153
00:06:14,433 --> 00:06:17,673
Try to stay focused, Tim.
Just open your mind
154
00:06:17,767 --> 00:06:20,227
and tell me how you feel.
155
00:06:20,333 --> 00:06:22,703
Just maybe thinking about
cologne and mouthwash.
156
00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:24,670
Shh.
157
00:06:24,767 --> 00:06:26,967
[alarm beeps]
- Oh, ah!
158
00:06:27,067 --> 00:06:29,227
Okay, that's an hour.
[laughs]
159
00:06:29,333 --> 00:06:32,503
(Forrest)
Holding, while
cumbersome at first,
160
00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:36,500
soon became an accepted part
of life at my dad's house.
161
00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:38,070
*
162
00:06:38,100 --> 00:06:40,300
After five days
with Tim on my lap,
163
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:42,570
I decided it was
time to put my subject,
164
00:06:42,667 --> 00:06:46,067
and Dr. Arnold's technique,
to the test.
165
00:06:46,167 --> 00:06:50,197
Tell me, please,
what this makes you feel.
166
00:06:50,300 --> 00:06:53,530
Oh, it makes me feel...
167
00:06:53,633 --> 00:06:56,203
very attracted to that man.
[groans]
168
00:06:56,300 --> 00:06:58,300
(Forrest)
The power of
unwanted love is strong.
169
00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:00,630
- Wow.
(Forrest) As I myself understood
170
00:07:00,733 --> 00:07:03,533
all too well we would need
to try harder.
171
00:07:03,633 --> 00:07:05,273
Put that down.
172
00:07:05,367 --> 00:07:08,867
I don't think it's gonna be
helpful to look at that.
173
00:07:08,967 --> 00:07:10,067
So if the hugging
doesn't work,
174
00:07:10,133 --> 00:07:11,603
I mean,
is there something else?
175
00:07:11,700 --> 00:07:13,300
I mean, there's gotta be
something else, right?
176
00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:14,330
- He's a tough nut.
- Really tough. Really tough.
177
00:07:14,433 --> 00:07:15,803
Here's what I recommend.
178
00:07:15,900 --> 00:07:17,330
Okay, this is called
syrup of ipecac
179
00:07:17,433 --> 00:07:19,273
and it's gonna make you
feel very, very nauseous.
180
00:07:19,367 --> 00:07:21,097
(Forrest)
Dr. Arnold had
a lot more ideas
181
00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:22,700
for turning
a gay man straight.
182
00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:24,630
You're going to
associate naked men
183
00:07:24,733 --> 00:07:26,833
and their penises
with this feeling.
184
00:07:26,933 --> 00:07:28,373
(Forrest)
Some of them were disgusting.
185
00:07:28,467 --> 00:07:30,167
- [retching]
- He is making you feel sick.
186
00:07:30,267 --> 00:07:31,767
- You made me sick.
- No, I didn't make you sick.
187
00:07:31,867 --> 00:07:34,367
- He did by being so sexy.
- You made me sick.
188
00:07:34,467 --> 00:07:36,067
(Forrest)
Others were
surprisingly athletic.
189
00:07:36,100 --> 00:07:37,800
- Get the anger out.
- Oh, God.
190
00:07:37,900 --> 00:07:39,930
The bed is Satan.
Satan made you gay.
191
00:07:40,067 --> 00:07:42,567
Why'd you make me gay,
stupid bastard?
192
00:07:42,667 --> 00:07:44,227
- Okay, okay.
- [screams]
193
00:07:44,333 --> 00:07:47,073
Oh, Tim, sorry, this is my bed.
I do have to sleep here.
194
00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:48,733
(Forrest)
But the results
were always the same.
195
00:07:48,833 --> 00:07:51,373
- You feel any less gay?
- [sighs]
196
00:07:51,467 --> 00:07:53,497
No. No.
197
00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:56,270
(Forrest)
I began to fear that I would
spend the rest of my life
198
00:07:56,367 --> 00:07:58,727
trying to fulfill
this one review.
199
00:07:58,833 --> 00:08:01,903
It was time to try
my own ideas.
200
00:08:02,067 --> 00:08:03,397
[techno music]
201
00:08:03,500 --> 00:08:05,600
I needed to offer Tim
a good alternative
202
00:08:05,700 --> 00:08:07,230
to homosexuality.
203
00:08:07,333 --> 00:08:09,433
I chose heterosexuality
204
00:08:09,533 --> 00:08:12,173
and introduced him
to the allure of women.
205
00:08:12,267 --> 00:08:15,097
*
206
00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:17,100
I'm sorry, I just need
like a little space here.
207
00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:18,900
Forrest, I don't think
I can do this. Okay?
208
00:08:19,067 --> 00:08:21,567
Just focus on the pleasurable
aspects of it.
209
00:08:21,667 --> 00:08:23,467
- What's pleasurable about it?
- I just feel bad.
210
00:08:23,567 --> 00:08:25,497
- Do you want to change, or not?
- Yeah, I wanna change.
211
00:08:25,600 --> 00:08:27,300
- You do wanna change?
- I wanna change, I'm trying.
212
00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:28,630
Listen, I'm just gonna wait--
He doesn't want it.
213
00:08:28,733 --> 00:08:29,673
Don't go anywhere.
Don't go anywhere.
214
00:08:29,767 --> 00:08:31,667
It may seem impossible
to you,
215
00:08:31,767 --> 00:08:33,467
but the impossible
is possible.
216
00:08:33,567 --> 00:08:35,067
I got over my ex-wife,
217
00:08:35,167 --> 00:08:36,767
you can get over
your ex-sex.
218
00:08:36,867 --> 00:08:39,097
- You gotta believe that.
- Well, you talk about her--
219
00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:41,300
- You can do it. Okay?
- Okay, I'll--I'll--
220
00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:42,570
- Okay.
- I need to get a drink, though.
221
00:08:42,667 --> 00:08:44,227
- All right?
- That's fine.
222
00:08:44,333 --> 00:08:45,303
(woman) Yeah, yeah.
- Yes, I would love a drink.
223
00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:47,570
If they have a Pinot Grigio
224
00:08:47,667 --> 00:08:49,127
- that looks good...
- Okay...
225
00:08:49,233 --> 00:08:51,673
You paid for the dance,
do you want the rest?
226
00:08:51,767 --> 00:08:53,697
- I didn't catch your name.
- Shampoo.
227
00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:55,170
Shampoo.
Hi, Shampoo.
228
00:08:55,267 --> 00:08:56,397
- 'Cause you're dirty.
- Ooh.
229
00:08:56,500 --> 00:08:57,800
And you need to be cleaned.
230
00:08:57,900 --> 00:08:59,400
(Forrest)
Our evening was going very well
231
00:08:59,500 --> 00:09:00,970
and it was time
to take things
232
00:09:01,067 --> 00:09:03,267
to the next
logical heterosexual step.
233
00:09:03,367 --> 00:09:04,727
I don't want to be
too forward,
234
00:09:04,833 --> 00:09:06,933
but, uh, maybe...
235
00:09:07,067 --> 00:09:09,267
- after you get off work...
- Yeah?
236
00:09:09,367 --> 00:09:11,367
You and one of your colleagues
might like to join
237
00:09:11,467 --> 00:09:13,567
my friend and myself
for a drink.
238
00:09:13,667 --> 00:09:15,067
[laughter]
239
00:09:15,133 --> 00:09:17,473
Well, we are hanging out
with some pretty, gorgeous
240
00:09:17,567 --> 00:09:20,067
ladies in my opinion.
Wouldn't you agree?
241
00:09:20,133 --> 00:09:21,473
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
242
00:09:21,567 --> 00:09:23,967
So much more attractive
than men. Both of you are.
243
00:09:24,067 --> 00:09:25,627
I cannot believe that
you are both single.
244
00:09:25,733 --> 00:09:27,533
- That's incredible to me.
- Well, my boyfriend
245
00:09:27,633 --> 00:09:29,373
just broke up with me
'cause he can't handle
246
00:09:29,467 --> 00:09:31,597
- what I do for a living.
- Are you kidding me?
247
00:09:31,700 --> 00:09:34,070
You know, my wife left me
for the exact same reason.
248
00:09:34,167 --> 00:09:35,627
You and I have
a lot in common.
249
00:09:35,733 --> 00:09:37,233
- We really do.
- We do.
250
00:09:37,333 --> 00:09:38,703
But we don't have too much
in common, Tim.
251
00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:41,100
Tim. She and I don't
have too much in common.
252
00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:43,100
- You know what I'm saying?
- Uh, yeah.
253
00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:44,730
We have different genitals.
254
00:09:44,833 --> 00:09:46,073
(Forrest)
Distracted as I was
255
00:09:46,167 --> 00:09:48,127
by Shampoo's beguiling charms
256
00:09:48,233 --> 00:09:50,803
I did not notice
that Tim had snuck off
257
00:09:50,900 --> 00:09:53,600
with Trinity.
A troubling development.
258
00:09:53,700 --> 00:09:55,600
The patient
was out of my care.
259
00:09:55,700 --> 00:09:58,230
Hey, where did they go?
Where did they go?
260
00:09:58,333 --> 00:10:02,073
(Forrest)
I would not find out until
our meeting the following day.
261
00:10:02,167 --> 00:10:05,127
Hi. Tim, what happened
to you last night?
262
00:10:05,233 --> 00:10:06,973
I turn around and you
and Trinity were gone.
263
00:10:07,067 --> 00:10:08,727
I'm texting you all night long.
You didn't get back to me.
264
00:10:08,833 --> 00:10:10,573
- [stammers]
- Oh, well, Trinity
265
00:10:10,667 --> 00:10:12,267
took me out to this bar
called Dick Town
266
00:10:12,367 --> 00:10:14,097
and we talked
for a long time.
267
00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:15,400
You and Trinity went out
to a bar?
268
00:10:15,500 --> 00:10:17,200
Yeah, we did.
Called Dick Town.
269
00:10:17,300 --> 00:10:19,530
- Okay.
- And, uh, a guy came over
270
00:10:19,633 --> 00:10:22,303
and, uh, his name
was Pete.
271
00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:24,600
Uh-huh. Then what?
272
00:10:24,700 --> 00:10:26,070
We just stayed there
the whole night.
273
00:10:26,167 --> 00:10:28,527
Danced, and, oh, my God.
Burned the place down.
274
00:10:28,633 --> 00:10:30,933
- [laughs]
- Anything else go on?
275
00:10:32,367 --> 00:10:34,967
Uh, yeah, I don't know
how to put this,
276
00:10:35,067 --> 00:10:36,927
but I feel like I had
a breakthrough last night.
277
00:10:37,033 --> 00:10:39,773
(Forrest, voice over)
I could not have been
happier for Tim.
278
00:10:39,867 --> 00:10:43,597
It was very clear to me
that he and Trinity the stripper
279
00:10:43,700 --> 00:10:46,130
had fallen in hetero love.
280
00:10:46,233 --> 00:10:48,033
So let me ask you this...
281
00:10:48,133 --> 00:10:51,803
Do you still feel haunted
by any homosexual urges?
282
00:10:54,233 --> 00:10:55,633
Haunted...I--
283
00:10:55,733 --> 00:10:57,603
I would say I am--
I'm not.
284
00:10:57,700 --> 00:11:00,130
I'm not haunted anymore.
I feel great. Really.
285
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:03,830
I did it.
[laughs]
286
00:11:03,933 --> 00:11:06,103
- I really did it.
- Uh, what?
287
00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:07,600
I cured you.
288
00:11:07,700 --> 00:11:09,230
I--
289
00:11:09,333 --> 00:11:11,103
And they said
it was impossible.
290
00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:13,270
Well, good luck
getting over your ex-wife.
291
00:11:13,367 --> 00:11:14,897
That's super hard
I know, so...
292
00:11:15,067 --> 00:11:16,227
Nope, I already did that,
but thank you.
293
00:11:16,333 --> 00:11:18,073
Oh, and speaking of which,
you know, maybe
294
00:11:18,167 --> 00:11:20,567
one of these days you, me,
and Shampoo, and Trinity
295
00:11:20,667 --> 00:11:21,767
should all go out
on a double date.
296
00:11:21,867 --> 00:11:23,397
Pete, too.
[chuckles]
297
00:11:23,500 --> 00:11:27,170
- Who's Pete?
- Pete? The guy I met yesterday.
298
00:11:27,267 --> 00:11:28,267
He's really sweet,
super-understanding.
299
00:11:28,367 --> 00:11:29,497
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, my God.
300
00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:31,200
- Yeah.
- I thank you so much.
301
00:11:31,300 --> 00:11:33,430
I really appreciate it.
I'm gonna head out, okay?
302
00:11:33,533 --> 00:11:34,703
- Okay, great.
- Yeah.
303
00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:36,330
- Enjoy your new life.
- I will.
304
00:11:36,433 --> 00:11:38,173
(Forrest, voice-over)
In the end, curing a gay person
305
00:11:38,267 --> 00:11:41,567
was indeed every bit as possible
as getting over my ex-wife.
306
00:11:41,667 --> 00:11:44,327
It's about something good
happened to you.
307
00:11:44,433 --> 00:11:46,273
- This is on the house.
- [chuckles]
308
00:11:46,367 --> 00:11:48,767
- What is it?
- Coconut cream pie.
309
00:11:48,867 --> 00:11:51,267
(Forrest, voice-over)
And who can really say
that either thing was wrong
310
00:11:51,367 --> 00:11:55,167
when Tim and I are clearly
so very happy?
311
00:11:55,267 --> 00:11:57,327
To be clear,
I have no problem
312
00:11:57,433 --> 00:11:59,233
with anyone's
sexual orientation.
313
00:11:59,333 --> 00:12:01,973
What I do have a problem with,
is giving up.
314
00:12:02,067 --> 00:12:04,067
I don't care whether
you're gay or straight,
315
00:12:04,100 --> 00:12:05,800
if you're sick of it,
change it.
316
00:12:05,900 --> 00:12:09,370
It was inspiring to help Tim
find a way to love someone new
317
00:12:09,467 --> 00:12:11,367
and I am happy to say
that in the process,
318
00:12:11,467 --> 00:12:13,967
I found someone special
myself. Shampoo.
319
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:16,297
We are now a couple.
[laughs]
320
00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:19,870
So I give curing a gay
two beautiful stars
321
00:12:19,967 --> 00:12:21,167
who belong together.
322
00:12:23,967 --> 00:12:27,227
The next request comes from
Jerry in Portland, Maine.
323
00:12:27,333 --> 00:12:29,203
- Mm-hmm.
- Jerry writes:
324
00:12:34,633 --> 00:12:36,803
Oh, my goodness.
325
00:12:36,900 --> 00:12:38,500
The Mile High Club.
Well, I know what that is.
326
00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:41,400
- Oh, my yes.
- I'm off to have sex
327
00:12:41,500 --> 00:12:42,870
on an airplane.
328
00:12:42,967 --> 00:12:44,797
Gee, wiz.
329
00:12:44,900 --> 00:12:46,270
Oh, boy.
330
00:12:47,867 --> 00:12:49,767
You're one of those guys
that carries a condom
331
00:12:49,867 --> 00:12:51,397
wherever you go, huh?
332
00:12:51,500 --> 00:12:57,070
Ugh.
333
00:12:57,133 --> 00:12:58,633
(Forrest, voice-over]
I have been flying to
San Francisco monthly
334
00:12:58,733 --> 00:13:00,903
to pick up my son Eric
for our weekends together.
335
00:13:01,067 --> 00:13:02,597
It seemed natural
that I would invite
336
00:13:02,700 --> 00:13:05,700
my new lady-friend Shampoo
to join me on my next trip
337
00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:10,300
and voila: membership
in the Mile High Club.
338
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:15,400
I'm really excited
to meet your son.
339
00:13:15,500 --> 00:13:16,930
Yeah.
340
00:13:17,067 --> 00:13:19,067
- I really like kids.
- Mmm.
341
00:13:19,100 --> 00:13:21,100
Hey, look...
342
00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:25,900
now that we are...
one mile up in the air,
343
00:13:26,067 --> 00:13:28,727
do you want to, uh...
[clicks tongue]
344
00:13:28,833 --> 00:13:30,933
- [laughs]
- What?
345
00:13:31,067 --> 00:13:34,067
[whispers] Let's go have sex
in the bathroom.
346
00:13:34,167 --> 00:13:35,897
[whispers] I'm not gonna
have sex in the bathroom.
347
00:13:36,067 --> 00:13:37,727
- Why not?
- It's gross.
348
00:13:37,833 --> 00:13:40,073
- What's gross about it?
- People are [bleep] in there.
349
00:13:40,100 --> 00:13:41,770
Oh, come on.
This is a short flight,
350
00:13:41,867 --> 00:13:44,067
I don't think anybody is
pooping on the way
351
00:13:44,100 --> 00:13:46,130
up to San Francisco.
352
00:13:46,233 --> 00:13:49,073
- Come on.
- Is that why you invited me?
353
00:13:49,100 --> 00:13:52,070
- No.
- Because I'm a stripper...
354
00:13:52,167 --> 00:13:54,497
So I'd be up for that?
Right?
355
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:57,900
- No.
- Gross.
356
00:13:58,067 --> 00:13:59,567
Everybody on this plane
likes to have sex.
357
00:13:59,667 --> 00:14:02,227
(Shampoo)
You know what?
If it was all about sex for me,
358
00:14:02,333 --> 00:14:05,103
I would have found somebody
a lot hotter!
359
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:13,370
That is one of
the rudest things
360
00:14:13,467 --> 00:14:14,627
that anyone
has ever said to me.
361
00:14:14,733 --> 00:14:17,103
[scoffs]
362
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:18,430
[crying]
I thought you were different.
363
00:14:18,533 --> 00:14:21,433
I thought maybe for once
I met a nice guy.
364
00:14:23,167 --> 00:14:25,267
I'm gonna give you
some space.
365
00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:29,597
(Forrest, voice-over)
Rather than turned
on by the idea of sex
366
00:14:29,700 --> 00:14:31,530
in an airplane bathroom,
Shampoo--
367
00:14:31,633 --> 00:14:35,273
a professional clothes remover,
seemed stunned.
368
00:14:35,367 --> 00:14:37,767
My trip to the Mile High Club
with her was,
369
00:14:37,867 --> 00:14:41,067
as they say in the travel
business, cancelled.
370
00:14:41,133 --> 00:14:43,303
I would need to find someone
on this flight
371
00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:45,430
more sexually adventurous
than a stripper.
372
00:14:47,233 --> 00:14:49,333
And just when
all seemed lost...
373
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:56,600
Uh, excuse me. Sorry.
Sorry to bother you.
374
00:14:56,700 --> 00:14:58,730
Can I switch seats with you
by any chance?
375
00:14:58,833 --> 00:15:00,633
(man) What?
- I'm in 23D.
376
00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:02,433
Just right up there.
Thank you very--ah, thank you.
377
00:15:02,533 --> 00:15:03,803
- Yeah, that's great.
- Ass[bleep].
378
00:15:03,900 --> 00:15:06,600
Thank you so much.
It is middle seat.
379
00:15:06,700 --> 00:15:08,700
(Forrest, voice-over)
After pouring out every ounce
380
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:11,330
of available charm
on to this woman Beth,
381
00:15:11,433 --> 00:15:13,933
I was clearly,
incredibly enough,
382
00:15:14,067 --> 00:15:16,427
being considered
for admission into the club.
383
00:15:16,533 --> 00:15:18,073
- Yes, exactly.
- [laughs]
384
00:15:18,100 --> 00:15:19,770
You can go into space
without being an astronaut.
385
00:15:19,867 --> 00:15:21,427
(Captain)
We have begun
our initial descent
386
00:15:21,533 --> 00:15:23,373
into San Francisco
International Airport.
387
00:15:23,467 --> 00:15:25,097
Please return to your seats
and make sure
388
00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:27,730
your seatbelts
are securely fastened.
389
00:15:27,833 --> 00:15:29,833
Hey, Beth...
390
00:15:29,933 --> 00:15:32,833
This is gonna sound crazy.
391
00:15:32,933 --> 00:15:35,673
[whispers] I wanna have
sex with you right now.
392
00:15:35,767 --> 00:15:38,597
[laughs]
393
00:15:38,700 --> 00:15:41,070
- Right now?
- Yeah, right now.
394
00:15:41,100 --> 00:15:42,730
Let's just follow
this moment.
395
00:15:42,833 --> 00:15:45,703
Did you feel it?
396
00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:49,100
- Yeah, I did.
- I knew it.
397
00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:51,330
Okay, so, will you
sneak to the bathroom
398
00:15:51,433 --> 00:15:52,673
with me right now
and have sex?
399
00:15:52,767 --> 00:15:55,227
- So, we gonna [bleep]?
- Yeah.
400
00:15:55,333 --> 00:15:56,673
[pings]
401
00:15:56,767 --> 00:15:58,097
It's just
the seatbelt light's on.
402
00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:01,270
- Yeah, so?
- When we get to the airport
403
00:16:01,367 --> 00:16:03,597
take a cab
to the closest hotel.
404
00:16:03,700 --> 00:16:05,170
Listen, I can't wait
that long.
405
00:16:05,267 --> 00:16:07,167
Okay, we'll find a place
in the airport.
406
00:16:07,267 --> 00:16:08,897
No, I can't wait
that long, either.
407
00:16:09,067 --> 00:16:10,967
- No, seriously...
- No, it's super dangerous.
408
00:16:11,067 --> 00:16:13,167
No, it's not
that dangerous.
409
00:16:13,267 --> 00:16:14,897
(Forrest, voice-over)
Beth could obviously disregard
410
00:16:15,067 --> 00:16:17,627
many of societies
guidelines for how to behave,
411
00:16:17,733 --> 00:16:19,903
but not, for some reason,
the seatbelt sign.
412
00:16:20,067 --> 00:16:21,367
I don't wanna do it
in an airport bathroom.
413
00:16:21,467 --> 00:16:23,497
I wanna do it
in an airplane bathroom.
414
00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:25,130
- Seriously.
- Yeah, but the seatbelt sign
415
00:16:25,233 --> 00:16:26,703
- is on--
- Who cares about the sign?
416
00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:28,730
- Seriously?
- Let's go to a nice hotel.
417
00:16:28,833 --> 00:16:30,873
No, thank you.
418
00:16:30,967 --> 00:16:32,827
Oh, my God.
419
00:16:34,067 --> 00:16:35,467
Oh, hey, what about
another flight?
420
00:16:35,567 --> 00:16:38,327
No, don't touch me!
Okay?
421
00:16:38,433 --> 00:16:40,373
(Forrest, voice-over)
My failure to join
the Mile High Club
422
00:16:40,467 --> 00:16:43,067
was dispiriting,
but I eager to try again
423
00:16:43,167 --> 00:16:44,967
on that afternoon's
return trip.
424
00:16:45,067 --> 00:16:47,327
First, I'd need to pick up
my traveling companion
425
00:16:47,433 --> 00:16:49,073
my 12-year-old son Eric.
426
00:16:49,167 --> 00:16:50,627
- Why hello.
- Hi, Forrest.
427
00:16:50,733 --> 00:16:52,373
- How are you?
- I'm good. I'm good.
428
00:16:52,467 --> 00:16:53,627
- Good, good.
- Are you fe--
429
00:16:53,733 --> 00:16:55,803
- you feeling better and...
- Yeah.
430
00:16:55,900 --> 00:16:57,370
You know, they got
all the bullets out.
431
00:16:57,467 --> 00:16:59,227
- That's good.
- Uh, yeah.
432
00:16:59,333 --> 00:17:01,073
Oh, Suzanne,
this is Shampoo.
433
00:17:01,167 --> 00:17:02,597
Shampoo, Suzanne.
434
00:17:02,700 --> 00:17:03,930
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
435
00:17:04,067 --> 00:17:05,697
Yes,
this is my girlfriend.
436
00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:08,130
- Oh.
- Ex-girlfriend.
437
00:17:08,233 --> 00:17:11,333
Okay. Are you sure
that it's okay for me
438
00:17:11,433 --> 00:17:13,603
to send Eric with you guys?
439
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:15,600
Yeah.
What do you mean?
440
00:17:15,700 --> 00:17:17,600
Uh, just, you know,
you're required to have
441
00:17:17,700 --> 00:17:19,870
a safe and stable
environment,
442
00:17:19,967 --> 00:17:21,767
- so I didn't know if--
- That's what I have.
443
00:17:21,867 --> 00:17:22,967
- A safe and stable environment.
- What you and Shampoo
444
00:17:23,067 --> 00:17:24,327
had cooked up
for the weekend.
445
00:17:24,433 --> 00:17:26,133
Please bring him out here.
Eric and I,
446
00:17:26,233 --> 00:17:27,973
and possibly Shampoo, are gonna
have a wonderful weekend
447
00:17:28,067 --> 00:17:29,627
- together.
- Eric, come on down.
448
00:17:29,733 --> 00:17:30,933
Your dad's here.
449
00:17:31,067 --> 00:17:32,127
What do you mean
my ex-girlfriend?
450
00:17:32,233 --> 00:17:33,273
What's that about?
451
00:17:33,367 --> 00:17:35,127
- Hey, hey. There he is.
- Hey.
452
00:17:35,233 --> 00:17:36,803
How's it going?
Nice to see you.
453
00:17:36,900 --> 00:17:38,870
Okay, well, uh,
text me, honey.
454
00:17:38,967 --> 00:17:41,667
It will not be necessary
for any texting to occur.
455
00:17:41,767 --> 00:17:43,867
I'm taking away your texter.
All right, good.
456
00:17:43,967 --> 00:17:44,867
Are you going
to introduce me?
457
00:17:44,967 --> 00:17:46,167
What? Oh, sorry.
458
00:17:46,267 --> 00:17:47,867
Uh, Eric,
this is Shampoo.
459
00:17:47,967 --> 00:17:49,697
- Hi.
- Hey.
460
00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:51,800
(Forrest)
Status unclear.
461
00:17:55,733 --> 00:17:57,633
You guys are not
boyfriend, girlfriend?
462
00:17:57,733 --> 00:18:00,403
We were, but on the flight
up here your dad
463
00:18:00,500 --> 00:18:02,070
sent some
weirdo to sit with me,
464
00:18:02,167 --> 00:18:03,527
so he could pick up
another woman.
465
00:18:03,633 --> 00:18:05,773
Okay, that's enough
gossip, please. Thank you.
466
00:18:05,867 --> 00:18:07,797
(Forrest, voice-over)
Shampoo and I had apparently
broken up,
467
00:18:07,900 --> 00:18:09,800
but I still had
a job to do.
468
00:18:09,900 --> 00:18:12,070
I had to find someone
who I was certain
469
00:18:12,133 --> 00:18:14,073
would not
reject my advances.
470
00:18:14,133 --> 00:18:16,203
Oh, I see an old friend.
I'm just gonna pull over here
471
00:18:16,300 --> 00:18:17,770
real quick and, uh,
472
00:18:17,867 --> 00:18:20,097
say hello to an old friend.
473
00:18:21,900 --> 00:18:23,770
I'll be right back.
474
00:18:23,867 --> 00:18:26,597
- Oh, hi, there.
- Hi, baby.
475
00:18:26,700 --> 00:18:28,600
What's he doing?
476
00:18:28,700 --> 00:18:31,430
Looks like your dad
is picking up a street whore.
477
00:18:31,533 --> 00:18:34,973
I've been a prostitute
for eight years.
478
00:18:35,067 --> 00:18:36,467
- Eight years?
- Mm-hmm.
479
00:18:36,567 --> 00:18:39,267
- I guess you love your work.
- Yeah, baby.
480
00:18:39,367 --> 00:18:41,797
I am definitely looking
forward to this.
481
00:18:41,900 --> 00:18:43,530
- Oh, you're gonna love it.
- Yeah.
482
00:18:43,633 --> 00:18:45,273
(Forrest, voice-over)
My Mile High Club membership
483
00:18:45,367 --> 00:18:47,297
- was finally on track.
- [pings]
484
00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:49,630
(woman)
The captain has turned off
the fasten seatbelt sign.
485
00:18:49,733 --> 00:18:52,933
(Forrest, voice-over)
But then I hit some bizarre
and unexpected turbulence.
486
00:18:53,067 --> 00:18:56,097
- How much is he paying you?
- $200 plus the ticket.
487
00:18:56,200 --> 00:18:58,270
I'll give you $300
if I can go first.
488
00:18:58,367 --> 00:19:00,197
Oh, sorry, excuse me.
Just mind your own business.
489
00:19:00,300 --> 00:19:02,300
- Thank you.
- Uh, sold.
490
00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:04,600
(Forrest, voice-over)
Incredibly enough I had
stumbled onto a flight
491
00:19:04,700 --> 00:19:07,770
full of recovering sex addicts
on an immersion therapy trip
492
00:19:07,867 --> 00:19:10,497
- to a Tijuana brothel.
- $350 if I get to go first.
493
00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:12,200
- Yup, come on.
- What?
494
00:19:12,300 --> 00:19:16,070
$400 plus 10,000
frequent flier miles.
495
00:19:16,100 --> 00:19:18,430
(Forrest, voice-over)
And the line for immersion
was long.
496
00:19:18,533 --> 00:19:21,173
Take note,
this is apparently
497
00:19:21,267 --> 00:19:22,827
one of the things
that can happen
498
00:19:22,933 --> 00:19:25,203
when you are so determined
to have sex on an airplane
499
00:19:25,300 --> 00:19:28,070
then you hire a prostitute
to travel with you.
500
00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:30,830
This extraordinary,
and horrifying, development
501
00:19:30,933 --> 00:19:33,603
led to a truly disgusting
turn of events.
502
00:19:33,700 --> 00:19:36,270
Though my prostitute,
Margaret, did earn enough money
503
00:19:36,367 --> 00:19:38,167
to self-publish
her book of poetry.
504
00:19:38,267 --> 00:19:40,867
- Finally.
- [pings]
505
00:19:40,967 --> 00:19:43,067
(man)
The captain has turned on
the fasten seatbelt sign.
506
00:19:43,167 --> 00:19:44,327
(Forrest)
What are you doing?
507
00:19:44,433 --> 00:19:46,403
- We gotta sit down.
- What? Why?
508
00:19:46,500 --> 00:19:48,700
You can't be standing
when the seatbelt light is on.
509
00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:50,100
No, no, no, no.
You gotta be kidding me.
510
00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:51,830
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
511
00:19:51,933 --> 00:19:53,433
This is gonna take, like,
one or two minutes. Please.
512
00:19:53,533 --> 00:19:55,833
- We gotta go back there.
- No. No.
513
00:19:55,933 --> 00:19:57,433
I have to join
the Mile High Club right now.
514
00:19:57,533 --> 00:20:00,533
Well, okay, but I have
to have my seatbelt on.
515
00:20:00,633 --> 00:20:03,003
It's okay.
Listen, here.
516
00:20:03,100 --> 00:20:05,370
Put the little blanket on.
517
00:20:05,467 --> 00:20:06,927
And do it right here
in the seat?
518
00:20:07,033 --> 00:20:08,933
- Yeah.
(man) Flight Attendants will be
519
00:20:09,033 --> 00:20:10,673
coming through the cabin
to collect any remaining
520
00:20:10,767 --> 00:20:13,067
- service items.
- Uh, you better hurry.
521
00:20:13,167 --> 00:20:14,267
Yeah, okay, fine.
522
00:20:14,367 --> 00:20:17,367
[metal jingles, zipper unzips]
523
00:20:17,467 --> 00:20:19,897
(Forrest, voice-over)
I was, eventually,
allowed entry
524
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:22,230
into the Mile High Club,
but so what?
525
00:20:22,333 --> 00:20:24,903
As it turned out
any idiot was free to join.
526
00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:27,100
I learned that I prefer
my sexual encounters
527
00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:30,070
to be both free
and free of spectators.
528
00:20:30,167 --> 00:20:31,697
[sighs]
529
00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:33,270
[cries]
530
00:20:33,367 --> 00:20:36,197
I also learned the only belt
I want to unbuckle
531
00:20:36,300 --> 00:20:38,270
to have sex
is my pant's belt.
532
00:20:38,367 --> 00:20:41,567
And, perhaps also,
my heart's belt.
533
00:20:41,667 --> 00:20:43,997
No matter how scary
the turbulence.
534
00:20:44,100 --> 00:20:47,200
Joining the Mile High Club,
three stars.
535
00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:50,500
I can't believe
it didn't work out
536
00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:52,170
between you and shampoo.
537
00:20:52,267 --> 00:20:54,827
I mean, you treated her
horribly,
538
00:20:54,933 --> 00:20:57,103
but who knew she'd have
so much self-respect?
539
00:20:59,433 --> 00:21:01,833
There was no way
of editing that...
540
00:21:01,933 --> 00:21:03,833
that didn't make it
seem horrifying.
541
00:21:03,933 --> 00:21:05,073
- That's really gross.
- Yeah.
542
00:21:06,067 --> 00:21:08,167
[triumphant music]
41353
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