All language subtitles for Review s02e02_English

Life--it's literally
all we have.

But is it any good?

I'm a reviewer,

but I don't review

food, books, or movies.

I review life itself.

[screams]

[triumphant music]

[parrot squawks]

*

Over here.

*

Hello, and welcome
to Review.

I'm Forrest MacNeil,
your intrepid lifeonaut

and, at mission control,
as always,

is A.J. Gibbs.

A.J. what adventure awaits?

Me pressing a button.

Right. Yes, but I was
talking about

what adventure awaits me?

Oh, well,
my adventure comes first.

Fine.

Your first review comes from
Vicksburg, Mississippi.

Forrest, our son James recently
came out as a homosexual.

We want to be supportive,
but we just don't understand.

Maybe if we had
a better sense of what

he's thinking and feeling,

we might have a better idea
of how to cure him.

Which is an experience
we both dream of having.

What's it like
to cure a gay person?

Ah-ha. Curing
a gay person

of being a gay person.

Oh, Forrest, you're gonna use
one of your vetoes right?

[dramatic music]

[clears throat]
I am, uh, permitted

to deploy two vetoes
this season,

but it's my job to decide
when to do that

and, uh--

No. No. I do not think
that now is the time. No.

Well, I'm off to, uh...

I'm off
to cure a gay person.

[whimsical music]

(Forrest)
Gay people have existed
since people have existed.

And, yet, in all that time
I have never closely considered

who they are
or why they might need curing.

I chose to begin my review
with a fact-finding mission

to the gay sex shop
nearest my dad's house.

Who is that man?

(Forrest)
While there I was confronted
by a big realization.

- Mystified.
(Forrest) It was so enormous

I suddenly wondered if
this review was even possible

and I knew I had to consult
my producer Grant.

Completely mystifying.

Have you ever
looked closely

at a man's
flaccid penis?

It looks like something
that belongs

on the lightless
ocean floor

and what if, when a gay man
looks at a woman's

beautiful breasts,
he feels the same way.

That they're like
sea blobs with nipples on them.

I mean, if that's what
a gay man sees

when he looks at
a pair of breasts,

how am I supposed
to change that?

- It's impossible.
- Exactly.

What am I supposed to do?

Well, life is a parade of people
doing impossible things.

- Wha--
- Hey, when you quit this show

to go after your ex-wife
and she said it was too late

- and she rejected you...
- Yeah.

You vanished from
the face of the earth

until a dog found you
sleeping in a crawl space

- under a church.
- Yeah, it was a Rottweiler.

But what if I had told you
back then

that in less than a year
you would turn it all around.

You'd have your old job back,

you'd be dating a great
coma nurse.

Oh, well, eh, no,
she and I broke up.

Yeah, well,
that is exactly my point.

Because you don't
need her anymore

because
you're back out there,

you're living
a brand-new life.

So, if you can jump-start
a brand-new life,

why do you think
a gay person can't?

- Hmm.
- Are you so homophobic

that you don't think
a gay man can do what you do

just because he's gay?

No. Definitely gay men
can do everything I can do

and probably a lot better.

- Thank you for that.
- You get out there.

- Yeah.
- All right.

(Forrest)
Grant had given me
a powerful way into this review.

If I can get over my ex-wife,
then a gay person

can surely get over
being gay.

And if a gay person
can't get over being gay,

maybe I can't get over
my ex-wife.

But I can, and I did,

and so can a gay person.

I am a big fan of gays
and the whole gay lifestyle,

but if you're tired of it,
give me a call, all right?

I'll straighten you out.

(Forrest)
I distributed hundreds
of brightly-colored fliers,

but received
just a single response

from a young man
who called himself Tim.

Tim was a gay man who did not
want to be a gay man.

Unlucky for him, but a very
lucky break for this review.

My mom won't talk to me

and my dad thinks
I'm going to hell.

You know, it gets me
wondering that maybe

God made me so depressed
to punish me.

You know, Tim,
I was once like you.

I knew it. I knew it.

Oh, no, no.
I was never a homosexual.

Nor was I ever attracted
to men sexually.

But I was once
attracted to someone

that I should not
have been attracted to.

I'm talking about
my ex-wife, Suzanne.

And I was able to overcome
my love for her,

you, Tim,
will be able to overcome

your unwanted love, too,

but you have to be
willing to do it.

- Are you willing to do it?
- Yes.

- Are you willing to work hard?
- Yes, I'll work hard.

Do you believe that we
can do this together?

Yes, I believe you,
Forrest.

Okay.

How?

How what?

(Forrest)
I, of course, had no idea,

but I did know that
learning to un-love Suzanne

had been traumatic.

To spare Tim the same fate
I turned to an expert

who definitely knew
what he was doing

because he was once
a gay man himself.

- I was a gay man myself once.
(Forrest) Oh, okay.

(Dr. Arnold)
The disease of
homosexuality is rooted

in the lack of masculine
affection

in a young man's life.

As a therapist,
you must offer that affection

in order to make his
homosexuality go away.

Just as my loving therapist
did for me.

Dashing man.

Yeah.
Well, how did he do that?

(Forrest)
The technique
was called Holding.

And while it may not be
supported by traditional
science,

it was Dr. Arnold's
signature move.

The idea was that by
seating himself on my
fully-clothed lap,

Tim would lose the desire
to sit on another man's

less fully-clothed lap.

[whimsical music]

*

So, how you feeling?

Um, just maybe wanted
to talk to you about cologne.

Try to stay focused, Tim.
Just open your mind

and tell me how you feel.

Just maybe thinking about
cologne and mouthwash.

Shh.

[alarm beeps]
- Oh, ah!

Okay, that's an hour.
[laughs]

(Forrest)
Holding, while
cumbersome at first,

soon became an accepted part
of life at my dad's house.

*

After five days
with Tim on my lap,

I decided it was
time to put my subject,

and Dr. Arnold's technique,
to the test.

Tell me, please,
what this makes you feel.

Oh, it makes me feel...

very attracted to that man.
[groans]

(Forrest)
The power of
unwanted love is strong.

- Wow.
(Forrest) As I myself understood

all too well we would need
to try harder.

Put that down.

I don't think it's gonna be
helpful to look at that.

So if the hugging
doesn't work,

I mean,
is there something else?

I mean, there's gotta be
something else, right?

- He's a tough nut.
- Really tough. Really tough.

Here's what I recommend.

Okay, this is called
syrup of ipecac

and it's gonna make you
feel very, very nauseous.

(Forrest)
Dr. Arnold had
a lot more ideas

for turning
a gay man straight.

You're going to
associate naked men

and their penises
with this feeling.

(Forrest)
Some of them were disgusting.

- [retching]
- He is making you feel sick.

- You made me sick.
- No, I didn't make you sick.

- He did by being so sexy.
- You made me sick.

(Forrest)
Others were
surprisingly athletic.

- Get the anger out.
- Oh, God.

The bed is Satan.
Satan made you gay.

Why'd you make me gay,
stupid bastard?

- Okay, okay.
- [screams]

Oh, Tim, sorry, this is my bed.
I do have to sleep here.

(Forrest)
But the results
were always the same.

- You feel any less gay?
- [sighs]

No. No.

(Forrest)
I began to fear that I would
spend the rest of my life

trying to fulfill
this one review.

It was time to try
my own ideas.

[techno music]

I needed to offer Tim
a good alternative

to homosexuality.

I chose heterosexuality

and introduced him
to the allure of women.

*

I'm sorry, I just need
like a little space here.

Forrest, I don't think
I can do this. Okay?

Just focus on the pleasurable
aspects of it.

- What's pleasurable about it?
- I just feel bad.

- Do you want to change, or not?
- Yeah, I wanna change.

- You do wanna change?
- I wanna change, I'm trying.

Listen, I'm just gonna wait--
He doesn't want it.

Don't go anywhere.
Don't go anywhere.

It may seem impossible
to you,

but the impossible
is possible.

I got over my ex-wife,

you can get over
your ex-sex.

- You gotta believe that.
- Well, you talk about her--

- You can do it. Okay?
- Okay, I'll--I'll--

- Okay.
- I need to get a drink, though.

- All right?
- That's fine.

(woman) Yeah, yeah.
- Yes, I would love a drink.

If they have a Pinot Grigio

- that looks good...
- Okay...

You paid for the dance,
do you want the rest?

- I didn't catch your name.
- Shampoo.

Shampoo.
Hi, Shampoo.

- 'Cause you're dirty.
- Ooh.

And you need to be cleaned.

(Forrest)
Our evening was going very well

and it was time
to take things

to the next
logical heterosexual step.

I don't want to be
too forward,

but, uh, maybe...

- after you get off work...
- Yeah?

You and one of your colleagues
might like to join

my friend and myself
for a drink.

[laughter]

Well, we are hanging out
with some pretty, gorgeous

ladies in my opinion.
Wouldn't you agree?

- Yeah.
- Thank you.

So much more attractive
than men. Both of you are.

I cannot believe that
you are both single.

- That's incredible to me.
- Well, my boyfriend

just broke up with me
'cause he can't handle

- what I do for a living.
- Are you kidding me?

You know, my wife left me
for the exact same reason.

You and I have
a lot in common.

- We really do.
- We do.

But we don't have too much
in common, Tim.

Tim. She and I don't
have too much in common.

- You know what I'm saying?
- Uh, yeah.

We have different genitals.

(Forrest)
Distracted as I was

by Shampoo's beguiling charms

I did not notice
that Tim had snuck off

with Trinity.
A troubling development.

The patient
was out of my care.

Hey, where did they go?
Where did they go?

(Forrest)
I would not find out until
our meeting the following day.

Hi. Tim, what happened
to you last night?

I turn around and you
and Trinity were gone.

I'm texting you all night long.
You didn't get back to me.

- [stammers]
- Oh, well, Trinity

took me out to this bar
called Dick Town

and we talked
for a long time.

You and Trinity went out
to a bar?

Yeah, we did.
Called Dick Town.

- Okay.
- And, uh, a guy came over

and, uh, his name
was Pete.

Uh-huh. Then what?

We just stayed there
the whole night.

Danced, and, oh, my God.
Burned the place down.

- [laughs]
- Anything else go on?

Uh, yeah, I don't know
how to put this,

but I feel like I had
a breakthrough last night.

(Forrest, voice over)
I could not have been
happier for Tim.

It was very clear to me
that he and Trinity the stripper

had fallen in hetero love.

So let me ask you this...

Do you still feel haunted
by any homosexual urges?

Haunted...I--

I would say I am--
I'm not.

I'm not haunted anymore.
I feel great. Really.

I did it.
[laughs]

- I really did it.
- Uh, what?

I cured you.

I--

And they said
it was impossible.

Well, good luck
getting over your ex-wife.

That's super hard
I know, so...

Nope, I already did that,
but thank you.

Oh, and speaking of which,
you know, maybe

one of these days you, me,
and Shampoo, and Trinity

should all go out
on a double date.

Pete, too.
[chuckles]

- Who's Pete?
- Pete? The guy I met yesterday.

He's really sweet,
super-understanding.

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, my God.

- Yeah.
- I thank you so much.

I really appreciate it.
I'm gonna head out, okay?

- Okay, great.
- Yeah.

- Enjoy your new life.
- I will.

(Forrest, voice-over)
In the end, curing a gay person

was indeed every bit as possible
as getting over my ex-wife.

It's about something good
happened to you.

- This is on the house.
- [chuckles]

- What is it?
- Coconut cream pie.

(Forrest, voice-over)
And who can really say
that either thing was wrong

when Tim and I are clearly
so very happy?

To be clear,
I have no problem

with anyone's
sexual orientation.

What I do have a problem with,
is giving up.

I don't care whether
you're gay or straight,

if you're sick of it,
change it.

It was inspiring to help Tim
find a way to love someone new

and I am happy to say
that in the process,

I found someone special
myself. Shampoo.

We are now a couple.
[laughs]

So I give curing a gay
two beautiful stars

who belong together.

The next request comes from
Jerry in Portland, Maine.

- Mm-hmm.
- Jerry writes:

Oh, my goodness.

The Mile High Club.
Well, I know what that is.

- Oh, my yes.
- I'm off to have sex

on an airplane.

Gee, wiz.

Oh, boy.

You're one of those guys
that carries a condom

wherever you go, huh?

Ugh.

(Forrest, voice-over]
I have been flying to
San Francisco monthly

to pick up my son Eric
for our weekends together.

It seemed natural
that I would invite

my new lady-friend Shampoo
to join me on my next trip

and voila: membership
in the Mile High Club.

I'm really excited
to meet your son.

Yeah.

- I really like kids.
- Mmm.

Hey, look...

now that we are...
one mile up in the air,

do you want to, uh...
[clicks tongue]

- [laughs]
- What?

[whispers] Let's go have sex
in the bathroom.

[whispers] I'm not gonna
have sex in the bathroom.

- Why not?
- It's gross.

- What's gross about it?
- People are [bleep] in there.

Oh, come on.
This is a short flight,

I don't think anybody is
pooping on the way

up to San Francisco.

- Come on.
- Is that why you invited me?

- No.
- Because I'm a stripper...

So I'd be up for that?
Right?

- No.
- Gross.

Everybody on this plane
likes to have sex.

(Shampoo)
You know what?
If it was all about sex for me,

I would have found somebody
a lot hotter!

That is one of
the rudest things

that anyone
has ever said to me.

[scoffs]

[crying]
I thought you were different.

I thought maybe for once
I met a nice guy.

I'm gonna give you
some space.

(Forrest, voice-over)
Rather than turned
on by the idea of sex

in an airplane bathroom,
Shampoo--

a professional clothes remover,
seemed stunned.

My trip to the Mile High Club
with her was,

as they say in the travel
business, cancelled.

I would need to find someone
on this flight

more sexually adventurous
than a stripper.

And just when
all seemed lost...

Uh, excuse me. Sorry.
Sorry to bother you.

Can I switch seats with you
by any chance?

(man) What?
- I'm in 23D.

Just right up there.
Thank you very--ah, thank you.

- Yeah, that's great.
- Ass[bleep].

Thank you so much.
It is middle seat.

(Forrest, voice-over)
After pouring out every ounce

of available charm
on to this woman Beth,

I was clearly,
incredibly enough,

being considered
for admission into the club.

- Yes, exactly.
- [laughs]

You can go into space
without being an astronaut.

(Captain)
We have begun
our initial descent

into San Francisco
International Airport.

Please return to your seats
and make sure

your seatbelts
are securely fastened.

Hey, Beth...

This is gonna sound crazy.

[whispers] I wanna have
sex with you right now.

[laughs]

- Right now?
- Yeah, right now.

Let's just follow
this moment.

Did you feel it?

- Yeah, I did.
- I knew it.

Okay, so, will you
sneak to the bathroom

with me right now
and have sex?

- So, we gonna [bleep]?
- Yeah.

[pings]

It's just
the seatbelt light's on.

- Yeah, so?
- When we get to the airport

take a cab
to the closest hotel.

Listen, I can't wait
that long.

Okay, we'll find a place
in the airport.

No, I can't wait
that long, either.

- No, seriously...
- No, it's super dangerous.

No, it's not
that dangerous.

(Forrest, voice-over)
Beth could obviously disregard

many of societies
guidelines for how to behave,

but not, for some reason,
the seatbelt sign.

I don't wanna do it
in an airport bathroom.

I wanna do it
in an airplane bathroom.

- Seriously.
- Yeah, but the seatbelt sign

- is on--
- Who cares about the sign?

- Seriously?
- Let's go to a nice hotel.

No, thank you.

Oh, my God.

Oh, hey, what about
another flight?

No, don't touch me!
Okay?

(Forrest, voice-over)
My failure to join
the Mile High Club

was dispiriting,
but I eager to try again

on that afternoon's
return trip.

First, I'd need to pick up
my traveling companion

my 12-year-old son Eric.

- Why hello.
- Hi, Forrest.

- How are you?
- I'm good. I'm good.

- Good, good.
- Are you fe--

- you feeling better and...
- Yeah.

You know, they got
all the bullets out.

- That's good.
- Uh, yeah.

Oh, Suzanne,
this is Shampoo.

Shampoo, Suzanne.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

Yes,
this is my girlfriend.

- Oh.
- Ex-girlfriend.

Okay. Are you sure
that it's okay for me

to send Eric with you guys?

Yeah.
What do you mean?

Uh, just, you know,
you're required to have

a safe and stable
environment,

- so I didn't know if--
- That's what I have.

- A safe and stable environment.
- What you and Shampoo

had cooked up
for the weekend.

Please bring him out here.
Eric and I,

and possibly Shampoo, are gonna
have a wonderful weekend

- together.
- Eric, come on down.

Your dad's here.

What do you mean
my ex-girlfriend?

What's that about?

- Hey, hey. There he is.
- Hey.

How's it going?
Nice to see you.

Okay, well, uh,
text me, honey.

It will not be necessary
for any texting to occur.

I'm taking away your texter.
All right, good.

Are you going
to introduce me?

What? Oh, sorry.

Uh, Eric,
this is Shampoo.

- Hi.
- Hey.

(Forrest)
Status unclear.

You guys are not
boyfriend, girlfriend?

We were, but on the flight
up here your dad

sent some
weirdo to sit with me,

so he could pick up
another woman.

Okay, that's enough
gossip, please. Thank you.

(Forrest, voice-over)
Shampoo and I had apparently
broken up,

but I still had
a job to do.

I had to find someone
who I was certain

would not
reject my advances.

Oh, I see an old friend.
I'm just gonna pull over here

real quick and, uh,

say hello to an old friend.

I'll be right back.

- Oh, hi, there.
- Hi, baby.

What's he doing?

Looks like your dad
is picking up a street whore.

I've been a prostitute
for eight years.

- Eight years?
- Mm-hmm.

- I guess you love your work.
- Yeah, baby.

I am definitely looking
forward to this.

- Oh, you're gonna love it.
- Yeah.

(Forrest, voice-over)
My Mile High Club membership

- was finally on track.
- [pings]

(woman)
The captain has turned off
the fasten seatbelt sign.

(Forrest, voice-over)
But then I hit some bizarre
and unexpected turbulence.

- How much is he paying you?
- $200 plus the ticket.

I'll give you $300
if I can go first.

Oh, sorry, excuse me.
Just mind your own business.

- Thank you.
- Uh, sold.

(Forrest, voice-over)
Incredibly enough I had
stumbled onto a flight

full of recovering sex addicts
on an immersion therapy trip

- to a Tijuana brothel.
- $350 if I get to go first.

- Yup, come on.
- What?

$400 plus 10,000
frequent flier miles.

(Forrest, voice-over)
And the line for immersion
was long.

Take note,
this is apparently

one of the things
that can happen

when you are so determined
to have sex on an airplane

then you hire a prostitute
to travel with you.

This extraordinary,
and horrifying, development

led to a truly disgusting
turn of events.

Though my prostitute,
Margaret, did earn enough money

to self-publish
her book of poetry.

- Finally.
- [pings]

(man)
The captain has turned on
the fasten seatbelt sign.

(Forrest)
What are you doing?

- We gotta sit down.
- What? Why?

You can't be standing
when the seatbelt light is on.

No, no, no, no.
You gotta be kidding me.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

This is gonna take, like,
one or two minutes. Please.

- We gotta go back there.
- No. No.

I have to join
the Mile High Club right now.

Well, okay, but I have
to have my seatbelt on.

It's okay.
Listen, here.

Put the little blanket on.

And do it right here
in the seat?

- Yeah.
(man) Flight Attendants will be

coming through the cabin
to collect any remaining

- service items.
- Uh, you better hurry.

Yeah, okay, fine.

[metal jingles, zipper unzips]

(Forrest, voice-over)
I was, eventually,
allowed entry

into the Mile High Club,
but so what?

As it turned out
any idiot was free to join.

I learned that I prefer
my sexual encounters

to be both free
and free of spectators.

[sighs]

[cries]

I also learned the only belt
I want to unbuckle

to have sex
is my pant's belt.

And, perhaps also,
my heart's belt.

No matter how scary
the turbulence.

Joining the Mile High Club,
three stars.

I can't believe
it didn't work out

between you and shampoo.

I mean, you treated her
horribly,

but who knew she'd have
so much self-respect?

There was no way
of editing that...

that didn't make it
seem horrifying.

- That's really gross.
- Yeah.

[triumphant music]