Original subtitles

Eddie, my friend, what can I do for you?

I want to talk to Diane.

But she don't want to talk to you.

Yeah.

Please don't make trouble.

Diane, before you start squawking,

let me just tell you you're the most wonderful girl

I've ever known.

And nobody's been as sweet to me as you.

You make me feel...

Well, you make me feel beautiful.

But you are beautiful.

Why do always hide behind that booth?

Let me see all of you.

Please, I'm begging you,

go away and don't ever come back.

Oh, kiss me!

Please, for the love of god, go away.

Not till I get my kiss!

Please don't look at me that way!

No.

- Eddie! - No!

Ar

You're missing the whole movie.

Believe me, I ain't missing a thing.

No one understands bettina.

Her screen persona is a brilliant comment

on the entire sociopolitical structure of stardom.

Jeeper, do you get all of that

from the pizza waitress with three heads?

Well, I guess we are the only ones watching the movie.

These guys have only one thing on their minds.

Want a wiener?

Oh, hey there, Lars.

Oh, I love the smells of America...

Hot dogs, popcorn...

- Car exhaust? - Mm.

Lars, being how you're from Sweden,

the sex capital of the entire world...

- Mm-hmm... - Could you tell me

what's wrong with me?

What? There's nothing wrong with you.

Suddenly every girl I know is boy crazy.

Golly, if some dork stuck his tongue down my throat,

I'd barf! Ugh! I'd belt him.

I'd kick him in the nuts.

You're just a typical American girl.

One day soon, you'll wake up and explode into a woman.

Well, my date will be anxious for these buns to be hot.

Bye-bye.

Where you going, lover?

I'm going to the head to get us a you-know-what.

I don't want my girl spending her Christmas

in a home for unwed mamas.

- Oh, hey, there, Rhonda. - Hi, Florence.

You got yourself a heavy date?

I'm here with berdine.

You'd think it was a crime against the nation

to go to a drive-in with more than

kissy-kissy stuff on your mind.

Well, you do have a quaint way of looking at things.

Hey, is it true you're going to Europe at the end of the summer?

No, we just have a Swedish exchange student

staying with us.

Oh, I heard you were going to Denmark.

Where'd you get that idea?

I heard you were going there

to have some sort of an operation.

An operation?

Yeah, I heard you're having

your dick cut off and turning into a girl.

That's not funny.

Kisses.

Hey, pea brain, who's that guy in the next car?

- You know him? - Yeah, I know him.

Calls himself starcat.

Dropped out of Northwestern,

hangs out in Malibu with a bunch of surf bums.

Strictly a loser from loserville.

Sergeant, this young woman is the victim

of nuclear testing.

Her cells appear to be in a constant state of mutation

aggravated by intense sexual frustration.

- Can I help you? - Well, let's see.

I'll have a frank,

and with it, golly, I'm not sure.

What would be good?

And what can I do for you, doll?

Who do you have to fuck to get a hot dog in this dump?

Say what?

You heard me, buster,

and I'm not paying extra for dialogue,

so cut the chin music.

Hey.

Aah!

Ee

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it was horrible.

So much blood,

like something out of dostoevsky.

What took you so long at the snack bar?

Well, I was about to order, when the next thing I knew

the guy at the counter went awol for some sweater job.

Captain Monica stark, L.A. sheriff's department.

Detective molasky.

Now, don't tell me... Florence, berdine.

- Wow, you're good. - It's my job.

I understand you both were at the drive-in last night.

Oh, yeah, berdine's the gal who found the body.

I want to know exactly what you heard

and exactly what you saw.

Well, it's hard

because I was concentrating on the subtext of the film.

What about you, Florence?

Well, I guess I was coming back from the snack bar.

Did you notice anything...

Unusual, anything at all”?

Well, to be honest with you,

the whole night's something of a blur.

I bet some rat fink spiked my orangeade.

Hello, girls.

Hi, mom.

Florence, hop in.

I thought you were gonna help me pickle those beets.

Oh, I was just on my way.

I got to skedaddle. Toodles.

We haven't quite finished.

May I ask what's going on here?

There was a murder at the drive-in last night,

white female, 17, sleeping it off in the morgue.

A murder? And you didn't tell me?

I didn't want to upset you.

What were you doing around 9:00 P.M., Mrs. forrest?

What any woman should be doing at that hour... needlepoint.

Yes. Uh, Florence,

if you wouldn't mind answering a few more questions,

- I... - I don't think so.

We have beets to pickle,

and Florence has to practice her oboe.

She has a recital coming up.

Mrs. forrest, I...

Florence, dear, the car.

Wait... now just one minudo, sister,

before we toss you both in the holding tank.

Show me a subpoena, flatfoot.

Madam detective, I will not have my daughter

interrogated by the secret police.

As far as I know,

we are not yet a part of the Soviet union.

Good afternoon, Mrs. forrest, Florence.

Lars, where are you off to with that enormous satchel,

robbing a bank?

- Laundry time. - Leave that to me, Lars.

It's women's work.

I do not wish to impose myself on you.

Nonsense. It would be a pleasure.

I haven't washed a man's personal things

since Mr. forrest passed on.

Perhaps it's time you considered remarriage.

Oh, Lars, you're outrageous.

I lost two husbands in the big war and one in Korea.

No, my future lies in my widow's pensions.

I mean pension.

Now, off with you.

You'll find everything folded on your bed.

Mrs. forrest, as Florence would say,

you are fantabulous.

Well, they know how to grow 'em in Sweden.

Mother, can't you just throw that in the machine?

Oh, darling, you know I'm a perfectionist.

Oh, just look at these urine stains.

They may never come out completely.

Gee, marvel Ann, I can't believe you called.

I mean, I honestly thought you'd written me off

as the geekiest geek of all time.

Keep moving.

We've never been to Malibu before.

What made you want to come here?

- I have my reasons. - Wait a minute, guys.

I feel my nose blistering.

- I got to put some... - If you put any of that

disgusting white gook on your nose,

I'm sorry.

I happen to be allergic to the sun.

It's true. Her face turns fire-engine red

and her lips blow up.

And I get this terrible chafing between my legs.

Spare me the details, berdine.

Oh, darn, I left my goggles and flippers in the car.

I think you're forgetting the reason we're here.

This... is a man hunt.

Let's set our traps.

Can't we just have a good time by ourselves?

I mean, why do we have to bother with them?

Don't be a dip.

You've got the sex drive of a milk dud.

You're 16, girl.

Get with the action.

Just look at that water overflowing with boys.

Those guys are flying over those waves.

It's the romping, stomping, living end!

I'm heading down to the water.

You guys stay right here and wait for my signal.

They look like beatniks.

Should I unpack my bongos?

I intend to unpack mine.

Whoo, flip my fins, daddy-o.

You see me getting tubed on that outsider?

I got a tube for you. Why don't you ride this?

Get him, man.

All right, yo yo.

Yo yo!

= eae sess ep

aah!

Oh, no, what am I gonna do?

Oh, oh, this is so embarrassing, I could die.

Could you help me tie my straps?

You know, this could be a subconscious reflex

of an overly stimulated libido.

Say, that sounds dirty.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm a refugee from the psych department at Northwestern.

Starcat's the name.

Hey, didn't I see you at the drive-in movie theater?

Uh-huh.

I'm marvel Ann.

I'm surprised you remember me.

There was a lot going on that night.

I mean, that girl getting her throat slashed and all.

Well, she wasn't the only one murdered.

You killed me with that look.

Are those your friends?

Oh, hardly.

The one with the coke bottles on her eyes

has something that resembles a car.

My folks took my wheels away

'cause I ran over an old lady in a crosswalk.

Parents are such squares!

That was so nifty.

You guys were flying over those waves like a comet.

I've never seen anything like it.

Excuse me?

Oh, I'm Florence.

Gosh, how'd you learn to do that?

Florence, would you mind?

Maybe we should get some lunch.

Oh, you guys were boss.

You make it look so darn easy.

Easy? It takes years to fly on top of the soup.

You got to stay in the curl.

There's turning, stalling, trimming, riding the nose.

Alley-oops, duck dives, flying through a wipeout.

Knowing your way around point breaks,

reef breaks, shore breaks.

Yeah, doing the turtle, little nose dips.

- Switch stance and spinners. - Wow.

I just love to watch.

Well, I want to learn.

You guys mind if I tag along with you next time you go out?

Forget it. Girls can't surf.

The male of the species are natural-born hunters,

and our prey is the perfect wave.

I mean, heck, a surfboard's even a phallic symbol.

Well, I don't know about all that phallic stuff,

but I'm a terrific swimmer and a quick study.

Aw, the great kanaka would cool to sub-zero

if we let a chick tag along.

Who's the great kanaka?

Only the greatest surfer of all time... the pope.

Well, maybe he'll teach me how to surf.

Oh, yeah.

Kanaka's a world champion.

He's not gonna splash around with a half-pint like you.

Well, what about you?

Are you too big a fish to teach a girl?

Ain't he simply gorgeous?

Hold me close, you great big hunk of he-man.

Knock it off.

Kid, listen to it in high-fidelity

stereophonic sound... Surfing's a man's domain.

No minnows in the shark tank.

I guess the fella's just not interested.

Oh, no, I'm afraid of sharks.

All points bulletin for a big strong hero!

Yeah! Cowabungal!

There is no reason in the world I can't be one of them.

I've got to ingratiate myself, but how?

Those guys are interested in only two things,

and you don't have either of them.

Ugh!

Man, there went lunch.

I was down to my last peso.

Oh, well, like, hey, you can have the rest of my hot dog,

and here, berdine, you don't want this coke.

Hey!

Sit down, take a load off.

Thanks for the chow.

So why do you stay all covered up?

Are you afraid of a little sunburn?

It's good for you.

I suffer from the heartbreak of psoriasis.

My back is covered with the stuff.

I'm sorry. But, uh...

That football Jersey looks really neato.

So tell me about the great kanaka.

Is he really nice, a lot of laughs?

Kanaka goes to a different bop.

He's a tip-top kaleidoscope of cool.

Does he live around here?

I mean, I can't even fathom where someone that fantabulous

would call home except maybe, like, the white house.

Ha ha! No, kanaka has a place

at the far end of the beach.

Hey, you wouldn't be thinking about crashing his pad?

What are you doing snooping around my shack?

Are you the great kanaka?

I am the man who rides the waves

from Jay-pan to the Yucatan.

I'm Florence. Oh, wow!

This is like meeting Walt Disney or Helen Keller.

I mean, you're a living legend.

Hey, pour some water on the carburetor.

Hey, is this thing real?

You break it, you buy it.

So what brings you to kanaka's shack?

Please, great kanaka, I want to learn how to surf,

and none of the other fellas'll teach me.

I'm desperate.

Oh, yeah, we'd make quite a pair.

Sorry, kid, go back to mama and papa square.

Yeah, I bet if I looked like this, you'd teach me.

Pussycat, if you looked like that,

we'd be doing more than chewing the fat.

Numero uno, the water's what I crave.

More than anything, I live for mother wave.

More than anything, I live for father fuck.

Florence?

I'm afraid you got the wrong girl.

Florence is not my name.

Who are you?

My name is Anne bowman.

I'm revealing my true nature.

Listen, jailbait,

if I didn't live by my personal code of honor,

I'd take advantage of this situation,

erotically, as it were.

I thought you were the man with the big cigar.

What are you packing, a tiparillo?

More than you can handle. Now, before I get mad,

kindly vacate my pad.

Don't you turn your butt to me!

Florence.

My name isn't Florence.

My name is Anne bowman.

Anne bowman, Anne bowman,

Anne bowman!

Yeah, that's right, Anne bowman.

I frighten you, don't I?

- I ain't scared. - You're lying.

Look at your hands. They're shaking like jell-o.

No, they ain't.

You're scared. Say it!

You're scared!

- Yes. - Yes, what?

Yes, ma'am?

Ah, that's better.

You're just a little slave boy, aren't you, Sonny?

Ma'am, if you would, I ain't feeling so good.

Listen, sly, can the nursery rhyme.

I know what you fantasize about.

I know what you dream about,

and I'm gonna give it to you in spades.

To start, I think I'll walk you down to the beach

on a leash, capisce?

But what'll the rest of the fellas think?

To hell with the rest of the fellas!

I am the most important, me, Anne bowman.

I will not be cast aside. I will not be...

Told a girl can't surf. I mean, golly,

a girl can do all sorts of things these days,

like be... an executive secretary.

Anne?

Anne? My name is Florence.

It's squaresville, but what the heck?

Do you remember what we were just talking about?

Surfing lessons. Can we start tomorrow?

I can see I'm wearing down your resistance.

- You can say that again. - Yippee!

I got to get moving.

I got to round up a surfboard, not so easy,

and then tomorrow we'll hit the old h20o. Toodles.

Ee

What?

Look out for that outsider!

- What? - Duck under!

Whoa!

Aah!

Aah!

I am sort of picking it up a little.

Oh, cool, baby, cool.

You're a demon.

- Ow! - Anne?

Beg your pardon?

Nothing.

Kanaka, I don't mean to be scraping your fins,

but you can't let a chick infiltrate our stag clan, man.

That's how it starts. Next thing you know,

you'll be eating frozen waffles and wearing a cardigan.

Yeah, you're the emperor of the seven seas.

This makes us all look cheap.

Hey, kanaka doesn't have to answer to anybody.

If he wants to indulge this pipsqueak's penis envy,

that's his business.

Yeah, so there.

Kanaka, I thought you had some hot babe

that you were seeing.

You can't be that desperate.

Yeah, but the new chick's as complex as a zodiac.

You can never tell when she's coming back.

You're not even a chick. You're a chicklet.

Ha, ha, ha.

Yeah, that should be your new name.

Don't you dig it?

It'll pass. The name's got class.

I hereby dub you chicklet.

I'll buy it, I'll buy it. I'll be chicklet.

But does this mean I get to be part of the gang?

There are some prize tomatoes in that tin can.

I didn't think anybody lived in the elkins house.

- For good reason. - How come?

'Cause it's haunted.

Really? Have you ever been inside?

In my time.

There are ghosts, all right.

I could feel it in my nuts.

You and your nuts.

I've had a man's hairy balls since I was eight.

It's the source of my power.

They tell me the weather, time of day,

if there's a pile-up on route 66.

Did something really awful happen in that house?

A bunch of people died there.

Some people were born to die.

Here you go.

Aw, berdine, hon, your little friend's awfully late.

Hey, I got a roast beef au jus with your initials on it, hmm?

Mm, no, thanks. I'll wait a little longer.

- All right. - Pat?

Sorry you're going bald,

but finding clumps of hair in the chicken a la king,

frankly, grossed me out.

It's reflected in your gratuity.

Well, I never.

And my hair is not...

Hi, berdine.

Aw, you enjoy your own company, don't you?

I'm waiting for Florence.

Oh, you two used to be friends, right.

What do you mean, used to be?

I heard she dumped you now that she's got

all these new friends down at the beach.

Well, you heard wrong.

I heard she calls herself chicklet

and that she's hanging out with that sleazy beach crowd.

Florence is my best friend,

and she's gonna be here any minute.

What are you doing? What...

Yo yo, give her the Chinese tickle torture.

Ole! Ole, toro, toro!

No, anything but that!

Aah!

Hey, let's invite them to the luau.

T.j., toss them a line. They'll do fine.

What luau?

Just the whippin', flippin', rippin',

biggest event of the whole summer.

A wild night. Know how to spell orgy?

Better than you. Well, I want to go!

Kid, you're definitely not the luau type.

But those two angels are.

Junior, you coming?

No, I'm gonna stick around.

There's still some great shore breaks.

No man rejects Anne bowman.

Anne bowman invented luaus.

Anne bowman invented orgies!

Anne bowman invented revenge.

Guys, any of you know a surefire cure for constipation?

I got it real bad.

It's wrecking my center of gravity.

It could be psychological.

A secret or a repressed longing can lead to anal retention.

Oh, that's silly. My mom swears by enemas

filled with epsom salt and beef broth.

Butt out.

Provoloney, we got to dig deep,

deep into that inner dark place where your fear lives.

I'll take an ex-lax.

On this fine morning, how is your flipness?

His flipness is ready to lead his troop into the soup.

- Where's junior? - Yeah.

Haven't seen him since yesterday.

Wasn't he with you, chicklet?

Well, yeah, I guess, for a while.

Kanaka, did you, um, shave off all your chest hair?

Yeah, well, olympic swimmers

shave their body so's they can move faster through the water.

Yeah, does your new lady friend like it that way?

Oh, yeah, baby.

My shave got a rave.

- Wedgie attack! - Ah!

You guys. Ha ha.

Cowabungal!

Come on, yo yo!

Yo yo, yo!

Ah...

All right, guys, come on. That's, uh, that's enough.

Ah... uhh...

Aah! What the hell is that?

Yo, it's got psoriasis on it.

Junior.

How long's he been planted there?

Oh, maybe six hours.

We've located the pancreas, the intestines, and a big toe.

And this group of deadbeats?

Alibis as tight as Sandra Dee's butt.

Except that one.

Well, here we are at yet another murder.

I'd rather we met for miniature golf.

He was my friend.

I understand that at the time of the murder

you were walking along the beach.

Run into anyone on this relaxing stroll?

I saw her.

Chicklet,

how come you didn't tell her I bought you a burger and fries?

The great kanaka, leader of the pack.

Long time, no see.

Still following the sun?

Still walking the straight and narrow-minded?

Still intend to knock down this fire trap

you call a bachelor pad.

Come by with those handcuffs, and we'll burn it down...

Together.

Oh!

You forget that I'm both a cop and a lady.

Why you picking on us?

We didn't do nothing wrong.

Because I don't like you.

Don't like the way you talk. Don't like the way you walk.

Don't like your haircut.

You kids think you own this beach,

think it's a teenage world.

Well, you're dead wrong.

Are you gonna arrest us?

I might.

I've got methods

that can get the truth out of the most hardened criminal.

I have a special room.

Picture it, if you will... cold steel,

blinding lights, formica coffee table.

Oh, I've heard enough.

Well, you'll be hearing more from me, especially you,

Mr. kanaka.

Cookie.

Kanaka, why's she got it in for you so bad?

I boffed her once in west Covina.

Carving up junior like a Thanksgiving Turkey?

How does a monster like that sleep at night?

If you're insane, you might not even remember you did it.

You might not remember anything.

Lars? It's 2:00 in the morning, and you're doing laundry?

Did I make too much noise?

Oh, only to someone with insomnia.

And why should you have trouble sleeping?

Inner demons.

Oh, you ate too much of your mother's beef tornadoes.

If 1 didn't stop you, you would have taken all my meat.

Lars, haven't you heard?

One of my friends was found murdered today,

hacked up to bits,

and it looks like I was the last one to see him alive.

Do you have any idea who would do such a terrible thing?

No, but then I wonder if maybe I did see something

but I can't remember, like a mental block.

On...

It's very sad about your friend,

but you must not torture yourself.

You are alive.

You must go out and surf the waves just like your friend

would have done.

As my old grandmother, Ingrid, used to say, "Lars..."

That's what she said, huh?

- Yeah. - Well, I guess

that does make me feel a little better.

And the papa bear said, "who's been sleeping in my sandbox?"

Oh, am I trespassing?

I had no idea.

Say, you look real familiar.

Oh, no, I don't.

Give us a clue. What's your name?

I'm afraid I can't answer that.

Are you incognito?

No, I'm German-Irish.

Wait a minute.

Chicklet, move a little to the left.

A little more.

And yo yo, lean your head in closer.

Keep going. Yeah, that's it!

The pizza waitress with three heads.

- Bettina Barnes? - Shh!

No one must know my true identity.

I ran away from the studio.

You can't imagine what it's like being exploited

by those lousy flesh peddlers and power brokers,

everyone wanting a little piece.

I'm not a pepperoni.

I saw that one flick, sex kittens go to outer space?

It was a good film, then I had to do the four sequels.

Quelle trash.

They have no respect for the rights of the individual.

We'll respect you.

Ah, would you really?

You see, I'm hiding out here

until the studio agrees to my terms,

both script director and hairdo approval.

Florence, there you are!

Yesterday I waited for you at auggie's for over two hours.

Please, my name is chicklet.

Yes, you're definitely not Florence anymore.

Bettina Barnes!

Shh! She's in hiding.

Oh, bettina Barnes in person.

I loved you in the tarantula queen of hoboken.

I swear, I saw sex kittens and the killer meatballs 16 times.

Oh, did you really?

Oh, yes, miss Barnes.

You are more than a mere sex kitten.

You are the feminine embodiment of the nietzschean Superman,

ever striding, striking a blow

for the truth in the eternal battle of the sexes.

That is what I have been telling my agent for months.

What is your name?

Berdine.

Always was berdine, always will be.

Oh. Well, you know,

I desperately need a secretary/companion/masseuse.

How'd you like to have a job for the summer?

I'm really honored,

but Florence and I have a zillion things planned, and...

I'd love to be your gal Friday.

When do I start?

Pronto. Come inside.

I am gonna let you into my private world.

We are gonna have a blast.

Chicklet!

Are you okay?

How come you helped me?

I thought you would have let me drown.

What would you say a crazy thing like that for?

It's common knowledge that you hate me.

I don't hate you.

I don't hate you at all.

When you didn't come up, I suddenly thought...

I thought,

"well, doesn't she know she should dive

before the wipeout?”

Of course I know that.

It was an accident.

But then, you never have accidents, do you, Mr. perfect?

Don't you ever call me that.

What, Mr. perfect?

You don't know what it's like having everybody think

you're the golden boy, perfectly smart, perfectly athletic.

You can't imagine the pressure.

And I thought all those people starving in India had it bad.

It's a curse, but you're so wrapped up

trying to prove you're one of the guys

you've never given a thought to my personal anguish.

Well, you're not a guy, and you never will be.

Why... why can't you be

a normal girl like marvel Ann?

Oh, I wish I could be more like her,

so cultured, so refined.

I can just imagine all those wonderful evenings

you've spent together at the opera, museums,

reading the great books.

Aw, forget it!

Next time you're drowning, you can save yourself.

And no matter how hard you try, you will always be perfect!

Perfect, perfect, perfect!

Perfect hair, perfect teeth, perfect eyes...

Perfectly perfect.

Miss Barnes?

Miss Barnes?

Another lousy Sci-Fi horror flick.

Berdine, I just... I can't identify

with the ratface girl from Mars.

Is it really that bad?

Honey, Lassie could fart out a better script.

Miss b, I found this photograph

tucked away in a corner.

- Is this your family? - Oh, no.

I've never seen it before.

Oh, come in, come in.

We brought you some flowers,

but I guess my body heat sort of slaughtered them.

Oh, well, you must have one hot body.

Hey there, berdine. How's it going?

Hey, look, berdine just found this photo.

I wonder who it could be.

Whoa, this here's the flipside of cool.

The elkins family.

Say, are those the people who...

Oh, you can tell me.

I like feeling tingles.

Yeah, well, baby, this tale

even makes my massive cojones rise.

- Oh. - 15 years ago,

the elkins family made this joint their digs.

Ten-year-old Larry was the youngest of the three kids.

One hot summer night he couldn't sleep,

so he took his mom's sharpest carving knife

and hacked them all to death.

Oh, look at my goose bumps.

You know, they say this house is haunted.

If you're scared, I'd like to make a pitch

at being your bodyguard, all night long if need be.

Oh, tres gallant.

Miss b, I've got an even better idea.

I've a book at home on balinese exorcism rituals.

I bet I could get rid of those ghosts.

Oh, quelle fun. Let's do it.

Yeah, let's do it.

We'll have a slumber party Chez moi,

and we'll take a whack at some of those spells.

That'll teach those evil spirits who's boss.

Cool.

A slumber party thrown by a movie actress?

Oh, perhaps if it were Deborah kerr

or Audrey hepburn, but bettina Barnes?

Out of the question.

Oh, but mother, it's not like we're going to be

drag racing through Griffith park.

Florence, please get the eggs out of the frigidaire.

You're going to love this bavarian custard pudding.

But mother...

Dear,

a slumber party is an invitation to sexual intercourse.

Oh, I know how they paint it in the movies...

A man and a woman locked in embrace,

soft lighting, a pitcher of Manhattans,

rachmaninoff playing in the background.

Well, my girl, that is not how it is.

You have no idea how repugnant it can be to have

a man's sweaty thing poking at you.

- Ow. - You like that?

- How does that feel? - Mother, stop,

- you're hurting me. - Huh?

That's nothing compared to when they poke you down there.

Get them ugly old paws off me, bitch.

- Florence... - Don't tell me how to handle

my man's flippety-floppety, baby.

I grease up the cake pan, throw it in the oven,

- and let the batter rise. - Florence, stop it!

On!

Mother? Mother, what's wrong?

Why are you crying?

You never know, do you?

I must be the worst mother in the entire world.

No, it's just that, well,

things are different from when you were young,

but that doesn't mean you're bad.

You really want to go to that party, don't you?

I'll die if I miss it, mom.

It's the nonstop ultimate.

Well, as long as there are no boys present,

I guess it's as you teens would say, okel-dokel.

Oh, mother.

I feel the spirit's hot breath on my neck.

Oh, their lips on mine, so sweet.

Oh, a touch, fingers lightly caressing my breast.

Oh, a tongue, a tongue licking my...

Good gravy, I forgot the chant.

That's supposed to come first.

We were doing just swell.

On.

Okay, why don't we just take a break,

and I'll whip up the house special,

my world-famous jalapeño pancakes with peach sauce, hmm?

Oh, look at me.

I am hopeless.

Oh, I'll get that.

Oh, stop. Um...

I think it's best

if we preserve the fantasy of my on-screen image.

On.

Wait.

Meet me in the guest bathroom in ten minutes.

Dig this.

Must be bettina's room.

It's just me, starcat.

Sorry.

I'm sure Larry elkins

is residing in a well-guarded booby hatch somewhere.

Unless the state board of evaluation found his treatment

and rehabilitation to be complete.

Then he can get sprung.

As an expert, maybe you can help me.

See, I have this girlfriend.

I'm kind of worried about her.

She has these blackouts.

What sort of blackouts?

Well, she says when she comes to,

she doesn't really remember anything that happened,

but she thinks when she's out, she's really out.

I mean, like, out of her bird.

Well, what do you think?

It's not professional to give an instant diagnosis,

but I'd say she's probably suffering

from morbidly psychotic episodes of schizophrenia.

I didn't know berdine was so unstable.

Berdine? Who said anything about berdine?

Well, you don't have any other friends.

Twisted loner that I am?

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that.

How's about a truce?

Okay, a truce,

and I take it back that you're perfect.

You're deeply flawed.

In fact, from a certain angle,

I can even see a small bump on your nose.

From one mess to another?

I think the reason I pick on you so much

is because you're so darn perky.

You can't help it. I mean,

not all of us can be attuned to the darker side of life.

Fuck you.

Starcat?

I'm here.

Remember me, marvel Ann?

Is... is that the lady of my dreams?

Mm, tingles.

Imagine bettina wearing this stuff.

Yeah, and naked underneath.

Ooh, ooh,

I could just see her pretty titties bouncing under this one.

Let me see.

Wow, which is the top?

On.

Here, try this on.

It looks your size.

I don't know, I think it makes my neck look thick.

- Oh. - Oh, oh, we was just,

you know, looking for stuff for the exorcism.

Yeah, we didn't hurt anything, honest.

Oh, of course you didn't.

Oh, those white feathers,

they just look great against your tan.

But, you know, I don't think this is your color at all.

Try on my black peignoir.

You know, it's a Paris original.

Oh, I, you know, don't really want to...

Oh, there's nothing wrong with dressing up.

That's why I'm an actress.

Some afternoon you should come over,

and we can play beauty parlor.

Sure, yeah, but, you know, we got to get downstairs.

You know, the guys, they're gonna be waiting for us, so...

Oh, yeah, yeah, the guys.

But you haven't even seen my shoes.

Berdine, have I been acting strange lately?

Other than being an obnoxious snob?

That bad, huh?

It's okay.

You're part of the cool crowd now.

Being best friends and soul mates is sort of kid stuff.

As Jean-Paul sartre would say...

No, what I meant was do you think I'm suffering

from morbidly psychotic episodes of schizophrenia?

Morbidly schizophrenic what?

Where'd you get that crazy idea?

It's like just now.

I was talking to starcat, and now I'm out here with you.

Does this happen a lot?

Well...

Last time it happened was the night junior was killed.

Kanaka, you rat fink.

Don't give me no sass. It was a gas.

Is he dead?

That's dead.

- 1.j.! - Nobody touch a thing.

Cookie, is there something stuffed in his mouth?

Oh, my god.

Somebody's bumping off all our friends.

I don't want to die. I'm panicking.

- It's giving me agita. - I'm experiencing

severe feelings of loss and a profound sense of anxiety.

You guys are the absolute limit.

I suppose this is your answer to school overcrowding,

letting us get butchered one by one?

We were in the lanai when we heard bettina.

I'd know that scream anywhere,

tender and vulnerable,

yet brimming with inner strength.

Miss Barnes,

I hope my colleagues weren't too rough on you.

No, I'm all right.

This trauma can only make me a greater artist.

You see, to excel at drama,

one must experience tragedy and then be able to transform

that into the raw material of art.

Otherwise...

Keep it going, partner.

Keep up the speed.

Harder.

Pull back.

Now run the light.

- Yaaah! - Ah!

What's wrong?

Taking a breather.

I talked to sergeant macklehenny.

He said we could have the wedding in his backyard,

and Steve Casey's wife said she'd do the flowers.

You've been busy.

Well, if we want a June wedding...

Isn't that a little soon?

What, having second thoughts?

It's just that, well,

I'm taking the detective's exam next month.

Shouldn't you be thinking about having babies?

A baby? You've got to be kidding.

My career's just building.

I'm sure you can understand that.

I guess I just like being a cop on the beat.

Well, I want more.

I'm gonna show those bastards

who said a woman couldn't be a detective.

And where do I fit in?

Honey, you fit just fine.

Stop it!

- I'm not your whore. - Don't talk that way.

This isn't what I want.

None of it!

Come back.

Darling, all the success in the world means nothing

unless you're beside me.

I need you!

Monica, you okay?

Of course I am.

Strange that the victim had only one testicle

stuffed in his mouth.

I believe they usually come in pairs.

Well, that's 'cause he only had one.

I checked.

Plenty of meat, but only one potato.

Cookie, the girl who was murdered at the drive-in,

do you recall any distinguishing marks or scars?

Yes, indeedy.

Victim had a harelip.

Precisely, a harelip, a common birth defect.

The boy at the beach suffered from

the heartbreak of psoriasis,

and this young man had one nut.

Cookie,

someone out there has a problem with people who are different.

Look at this dull blade,

can't even slice through a sandwich meat.

If there's one thing I can't stand,

it's imperfection.

No room in the world for it.

It's just not the same without t.4. And junior.

Yeah, I can still picture old t.J. Hanging ten

off the nose of his hobie.

And all that time he only had one nut.

Yeah.

Hey, kanaka, think we should cancel the luau?

You know, out of respect for the dead?

No way, man.

We got to commune under the full moon

to celebrate our main man, king Neptune.

Yeah, I mean, they'd want us to have a good time.

Us? She's saying us again.

Maybe the kid should come.

Might be a good mix, like adding coke to rum.

Oh, golly, my first luau.

I've never been to an orgy before.

What do I wear?

I got to split. I'm late to meet marvel Ann.

Chicklet, old buddy, can I borrow a few bucks

to buy something sweet to keep my girl cuddly?

Sure.

Frankly, Dr. Edwards, in the past

I've had little use for you head shrinkers...

Inkblot tests, I hate my mother, and all that crap.

But with this case I find myself at a loss.

I understand you specialize in the treatment

of homicidal maniacs.

Yes, but I've never been involved

in a criminal investigation.

Ha. Don't worry,

you can leave the cops and robbers stuff to me.

What I need from you is this...

What kind of sicko am I looking for?

The perpetrator preys upon vulnerable unfortunates

the killer deems somehow flawed.

Give me a profile.

Let's say the assailant is highly sophisticated

yet childlike, vulnerable but canny,

capable of both tenderness and extreme brutality.

The murderer is highly intelligent

yet strangely out of touch with reality,

sexual, yet surprisingly innocent.

This individual has an insatiable craving

for normalcy which will make your investigation

- all the more difficult. - How so?

Because the killer will do everything in his power

to pass as normal.

He or she could be anyone.

What you doing?

For the luau, pagan god of sex.

Oh, funny coincidence... that's what I need some advice about.

See, there's this girl I know who's friends with this guy.

She wants to be more than just friends.

What I need to know is if she puts out, will he respect her?

Kid, lesson number one, don't be sleazy.

Nobody wants what they can get too easy.

For instance, I got this lady friend.

I haven't seen her in a while.

And that makes you really miss her, huh?

Uh-huh.

Don't even know how to reach her.

Her name's Anne bowman.

Ring a bell?

Nope. Does she live around here?

Real close.

It's still a mystery to me just what turns her on.

Is something wrong with your back?

Oh, man, I must be out of my gourd.

Kid, before I get myself in a jam, you better scram.

Yeah, my mom would be frosted

if she knew I was alone with a man in his house.

I mean, I don't know why.

It's not like you find me even remotely sexy.

I mean, you probably...

Anne? Are you back?

With a vengeance. God, I didn't think

the little twerp would ever let me in.

It's the circles, isn't it?

You're a regular Einstein.

Mistress Anne, I've been a bad boy.

And bad boys get spanked.

Bad boys get tortured.

Cowabungal!

Boy, what you doing dressed up like a ho?

- You out your mind? - Anne?

Anne? Who you be calling Anne?

My name is tylene, tylene Carmichael carmel.

I work the checkout at the safeway.

Look, it's going on 4:30, right,

and my supervisor, miss...

Bring Anne back!

Look what I've got for you!

Back up! I got me a blade.

I'll cut you. I will cut you.

Forget the paddle, bad idea.

Don't mess with me, boy.

Don't even try to escape my power.

The world has conspired to suppress me,

but I've risen like a Phoenix to claim my birthright.

Anne bowman, dominatrix, empress of the planet earth.

Catchy, isn't it?

You know, I think I've gotten in over my head.

Oh, miss b, auggie's does deliver.

Berdine, how can I express universal emotions

if I don't observe how real people live?

Oh, how terribly human.

Now, we mustn't draw attention to ourselves.

We're here to observe.

Look over there, a brave soul.

Yeah, she's pretty brave, all right.

- Hello, berdine. - Hello, Rhonda.

Not alone for a change.

You gonna introduce me to your new friends?

This is yo yo and provoloney.

Hmm, intellectual types.

And this is my cousin,

frieda diefendorfer from altoona.

You're not from altoona.

You're bettina Barnes.

Well, you're very sweet and very pretty.

So that is your real voice.

I thought maybe they messed with it to make it sound funny.

Oh, well, would you care to join us?

No, I've got to get going home.

I've got friends coming for dinner.

Berdine, you're not invited.

Miss Barnes, I'm a real fan.

You know, for crummy movies,

the camera work must be pretty good.

Can't even see those itty-bitty lines.

Anyway, it's been a thrill.

Kisses.

That wheelchair needs an ejector seat.

So what can I do you for?

I think we need a few more minutes.

Hey, hon, has anyone ever told you you're a ringer

for that gal that makes all those stinky horror movies?

I need air.

Oxygen, I'm suffocating.

I have to go outside.

- I'll go with you. - No.

I must be alone.

Don't worry, just order me a Reuben,

fries, and a cherry coke.

What are you looking at, asshole?

What are you doing?

I don't... 1 don't need your stinking help, okay?

Where the hell are you taking me?

There's your tuna melt

and your bit,

and you got the prunes.

Those oughta loosen you up.

Ain't your friend coming back?

Oh, I hope so.

Oh, my lord.

Berdine, darling.

- It's been ages. - Chicklet?

Where'd you find that get-up?

Oh, this?

A gift from an admirer.

I am panting for a cocktail.

A highball, baby, hold the fruit.

You're not even old enough to be smoking.

Peasant, be gone. You're annoying me.

You're on a wild groove.

Love your eye makeup, very Cleopatra.

Well, I... 1-

what's this all over my fingers?

- What's this? - I think it's fabulous.

- Are you okay? - Berdine, it happened again.

What happened?

I was in kanaka's shack.

Oh, god, what's wrong with me?

Nothing is wrong with you.

She's just putting you guys on.

Ever since we were kids she's been doing funny voices.

Both: Oh.

Clear a path, police.

All of yas, evaporate.

The crippled girl. Fits the pattern.

Miss Barnes, why am I feeling a sense of déja vu?

I have a breath mint in my purse, sweetie.

Will that help?

A strange coincidence

that all of your recent personal appearances

have been at crime scenes.

Say, is that a crack?

Fellas, do, please, sit down.

I want to talk to you about the murders

that have been taking place.

I'm concerned that one of you could be

- the killer's next target. - Why us?

Well, so far the killer's gone after

a girl with a harelip, a young lady in a wheelchair,

a boy with psoriasis, and another with one testicle.

Is there anything about you

that the killer could possibly perceive as freakish?

Come now, fess up.

Everyone has something they'd rather hide.

Since he won't say anything, I guess I'll tell you.

Provoloney's so constipated he's in

Ripley's believe it or not for going 67 days

without taking a dump.

You want to see a freak? Starcat, show her your big toe.

The nall fell off. It makes you want to puke.

You guys think this is real funny.

Wheelchairs and harelips and stuff,

kind of makes you want to crack up.

Oh, you kids.

I just hope someday decent people no longer

find this sort of sick humor a source of comedy.

Yo yo, a penny for your thoughts.

There's nothing wrong with me.

This is for your own protection.

Do you feel different in any way?

[, uh...

Maybe a little.

What are you talking about? You're 100% normal.

I am, but...

Sometimes I feel like there's something in me

that's kind of...

The way I feel towards...

I mean, provoloney and me...

I can't believe this. Forget it.

You know, I hope the killer knocks us all off.

Provoloney!

What exactly did I sound like?

Like an old lady, like you were 30.

"Berdine, darling."

Oh, you won't tell anyone I'm a nut job, will you?

Oh, of course not.

Chicklet forrest, you are my best friend.

I'd keep your secret forever.

- You'd do that for me? - I'd take a bullet.

It makes me feel like the way

things used to be when it was just the two of us.

Hello, girls.

Florence, may I ask of you a favor?

I wish to wear these trousers to the luau Saturday night,

but the button fell off.

I'm not good with the needles.

Each time I put my hand in the pants, I feel a prick.

Sure thing, Lars.

Thank you.

Oh, the luau.

I can't wait to hear all about it.

Oh, I'm not going.

But you've got to go.

You have been canvassing for that invitation all summer.

What if I blow a fuse and I short out the whole party?

What goes on when I black out?

Golly, could I be the nutter who's been butchering

all these people?

I'll never get into a good school.

You've got to finish college.

It's a terrible tragedy seeing

all of your wonderful moneymaking

- potential going to waste. - That's parent stuff.

Kanaka says I've got the potential to be a great surfer.

Where you going?

I am mapping out my future, and you're not in it.

And here, you can take back your tacky old ten-cent pin.

- Let me help you with that. - Get your hands off of me!

No, but I think I can get it.

Marvel Ann, I am so sorry.

You did that on purpose.

You are a selfish, disgusting, perverted weirdo,

and my advice to you is to straighten up,

buckle down, and apply yourself

like any decent presbyterian.

Girl trouble?

It's a lot more than that.

See, I'm an extremely complex person

with deep-rooted neuroses and anxieties.

Why am I telling you this? You're just a kid.

I'm not just a kid.

I'm... how did kanaka put it?

A luscious voluptuary.

He never said that, liar.

He taught me how to surf, didn't he?

And he always wants to see me alone.

As a matter of fact, I'm headed over to his shack

later today for an extremely intimate tete-a-tete.

You're just trying to make me jealous.

Ha. If we were at war with the Soviet union,

I wouldn't even let you into my bomb shelter.

Hey, hold on.

Didn't we call a truce?

You know, you could make a tasty morsel to some wolf.

Starcat...

What do you do with marvel Ann?

I mean when you're alone.

It's kind of embarrassing, chicklet.

Tell me. I mean, I need to learn about this stuff.

Well, she nestles real close to me.

Kind of like this?

Yeah, sort of like that.

And I hold her in my arms.

Kind of like this? Then what do you do?

I kiss the back of her neck.

You know, in the movies,

sometimes they lie down together,

like over by these rocks.

- I can't do this with you. - Oh, come on.

Pretend I'm marvel Ann.

I mean, I don't want guys to think I'm frigid.

I stroke her arm, and she kisses my chest.

Then you take your clothes off, right?

Uh-huh.

I caress her smooth, satiny flesh.

It glows in the sunset.

She gently touches my muscles with her fingertips.

She sinks to her knees with a look of loving rapture.

My erect penis grazes her cheek.

She slides it in her mouth, cupping my balls with one hand

and playing with my anus with her finger.

Oh, god!

Chicklet! Chicklet, come back!

- Kanaka. - Hold on, doctor.

I don't dig surprise visits.

I wanted to get here before chicklet.

What's it to you? She's not your chick.

She shouldn't be yours either.

She's only a kid.

That's all you know.

If you've laid a finger on her...

Hey, cool out. I've never even touched her,

but let me tell you, she is off the wall.

There is more to that chicklet than meets the old eyeball.

There's, like, two chicklets in one.

What are you talking about?

I know it's odd, but she's like twins in one bod.

Are you saying she has a split personality?

Split, one's an angel, the other's a she-devil.

Calls herself Anne bowman, and the screwy thing is

I can switch her off and on like a flashlight.

So do you think this Anne bowman could be violent?

You tell me.

I hope you put some bactine on that scratch.

Kanaka, I hate to say this, but I think our little chicklet

may be the butcher of Malibu beach.

Chicklet, hi. Um...

We were just talking about you.

Checking up on me, huh?

Well, if it isn't the Malibu branch of the CIA.

Chicklet, I'm fixing up the place.

What do you think of my new curtains, lots of circles?

I know how you dig the crazy circles.

Starcat, this is the friend I wanted you to meet.

You lousy son of a...

Oh, listen, guys, really...

Aw, now you've done it, man.

I've done it?

- Oh, what happened? - Dear god!

Who the hell are you?

Mother, what are you doing here?

Your oboe recital was at 4:00.

Do you even care?

To track you down, I've had to consort with

the lowest form of beach scum

only to find you here like this.

Uh, miss forrest, you don't understand.

Indeed I do.

I believe this is what you young people call a gangbang.

Mother, kanaka and starcat are my friends.

Florence, dear, please wait in the car.

- But mother... - End of discussion.

Just get in the car.

I'll have you know I fully intend to press charges.

You two had better find a good lawyer because I'm going

to tear your peckers off in that courtroom.

- Captain? - Yes, cookie?

I just checked the plates on that dodge.

It's registered under the name Thor frestur,

mar vista, California.

Sounds phony, like an anagram.

Thor frestur.

Put the r before the s, t in back of the e,

and you get Rose h. Toruf.

Hmm. Take the h,

move it back to the fourth spot, the o to the last syllable,

Seth r. Roufort.

No, that's not it.

Put the r back in the first slot,

the f at the top of the last name,

and what have you got?

Mrs. Ruth forrest.

Good evening, Mrs. forrest.

Lars, look at you.

I'm on my way to the luau.

I wanted to ask you, my car is still in the shop.

Might [...

Take the dodge any time. I never use it.

Shall I wait and give Florence a ride?

I have forbidden her from attending.

I had no idea she'd been

palling around with that disgusting beach trash.

Garbage like that oughta be incinerated.

Oh, Lars, be a lamb?

Screw that light bulb in overhead.

It's been flickering all night and driving me batty.

But of course, Mrs. forrest.

Don't you think it's time you called me ruthie?

On.

Climb up on that stool.

It should hold your weight.

You keep yourself so trim.

I owe you a cocktail for this good turn.

Oh, I don't like the hard liquor.

One little nip ain't gonna kill ya.

Oh, damn it to hell.

Better soak this immediately.

Stool's a little wobbly. Wouldn't want you to fall.

I think perhaps you require the services of an electrician.

Baby, just screw the goddamn bulb in the socket.

Mrs. forrest, I've never seen you like this.

This is not you.

No, this is not you at all.

How the heck did you get up here?

The wonders of literature.

To Everest and beyond: Mountain climbing made easy.

We are going to that luau.

Marvel Ann.

I knew you'd come crawling back.

I'm looking for chicklet. Have you seen her?

Yeah, she's in the bottom of this glass.

- Bettina? - Hmm?

Have you seen chicklet?

Oh, no, come to think of it,

I haven't seen her.

Oh, but starcat,

I want you to meet my new friend.

This is Joey. He's deaf.

Oh, and look, he has 11 fingers.

Isn't that cute?

Poor sucker. Doesn't stand a chance in hell.

J the tallest waves j

j into outer space ~

nothing's copacetic.

The poi's overcooked, I see no lychee nuts.

I ordered lychee nuts,

and the pineapple's gone bad.

You can't make a pu pu platter without pineapple.

Pull yourself together, provoloney.

You're at the breaking point.

I can't take the pressure.

Oh, shit.

My insides are finally moving.

I really got to go.

Do what you got to do, man, and don't forget:

When you get back, I'll be waiting for you.

Yo yo, you're the greatest.

Chicklet, wow.

You look so...

Glamorous?

Sophisticated?

- Scrumptious? - Yeah.

Look, I don't know how to say this,

but you shouldn't be here.

- Oh, I get the picture. - You do?

Now that marvel Ann's here,

I'm back to being Lassie to your Timmy.

Now, get this.

I'm gonna be the life of this luau,

and if anyone tries to stop me, I'll...

I'l kill them.

Selacs a

- hello. - Hello.

Kanaka, what gives? You know those characters?

I've had the displeasure.

Wedge Riley's out of the big house,

and the coroner's hurting for slabs.

I wonder if the two could be related.

Looks like they want to start something.

This started a long time ago.

Wedge Riley.

So what brings you to our nocturnal celebration?

Just a friendly visit. No need for confrontation.

Wedge, old man, I appreciate the wit,

but from trash like you I take no shit.

Cool, daddy-o, cool.

Over this domain you rule,

but let me give you some good advice:

To honor king Neptune you need a virgin sacrifice.

Virgin sacrifice? What the hell's that?

An ancient ritual started in del mar in '62.

Forget it, wedge.

Well, what happens to the virgin sacrifice?

I mean, what do you do to her?

You shouldn't even be here.

There you go, treating me like a pipsqueak again.

We were gonna do the ritual,

but it turns out we don't got no virgins.

Well, I'll do it. I mean, I'm your man...

I mean, your virgin.

Ooh, yeah,

fresh as a salad out of the fridge.

You'll do nicely.

- I won't let you. - Please, chicklet, don't.

It's an existential fate worse than death.

You gonna let your pals spoil a night you'll never forget?

Let the ritual begin.

I do have a few conditions, though.

I mean, first of all, no blindfolds.

What's going on back there?

Hey, is that chicklet?

She's got more garnish on her than my grandma's antipasto.

Oh, at least she has clothes on.

That's more than I got back in altoona.

King Neptune, to you we offer the ring of fate.

In other words, scumbags, form a circle!

No circles. That... that...

That's not the way we do things around here.

Dance, fools, dance.

That ain't the way a virgin should act.

Kiss my ass, flunky.

I'm calling the shots now.

Put me down from this thing, now!

Where's my whip?

Who's got my goddamn whip?

Now chicklet's gonna do some impressions.

- Do your zsa-zsa. - I warned you not to touch me.

- That's one flaked-out chick. - I'm not mere chick.

I'm a goddess,

and the first thing I'm gonna sacrifice are your balls, Sonny.

There! Officers, those men seduced my daughter.

Your daughter is mentally ill.

She's not sick. She's not sick!

It's true!

I'm hardly the lunatic you're painting me to be.

I'm utterly in control.

You're merely a delusion of chicklet forrest

that enables her to express anger and rage.

Fancy phrases and a big basket.

I'm gonna place you under hypnosis,

and we're gonna get to the root of the trauma,

the guilt complex that fragmented

chicklet's personality.

I can't allow this.

He doesn't even know what he's doing.

He's had three semesters of psych at Northwestern.

It's either that or an ice pick lobotomy.

Starcat, proceed.

You're feeling tired, drowsy.

You can't keep your eyes open.

Oh, someone stop this madness.

Oh, shut your hole.

Go on, darling doctor starcat.

I want to talk to chicklet.

It's hard.

I feel so far away.

I can't... travel down the Hollywood freeway.

Be prepared for stop-and-go-

What's going on?

It's a bad connection.

Help me.

- Chicklet, is that you? - Uh-huh.

- How old are you? - 71/2.

- I don't like this place. - Where are you?

The hotel.

Oh, well, look who's here.

We've got visitors.

Curtsy, Florence, like I taught you.

Mama, we're ready to go to the movies.

Oh, darlings, I'm so sorry.

We're gonna have to skip the picture.

But you promised.

Well, mother's got to do her part

for the boys serving our country.

Why don't you and Frankie go sit in the living room

and listen to the radio?

Sugar, I don't even know your name.

Oh, pleased to meet you, Johnny.

I'm Anne, Anne bowman.

I was so angry. I wanted to hurt her.

I took Frankie to the playground across the street.

Please don't make me go on.

You got to. What happened next?

He kept asking me to push him harder and harder

until he was soaring into the clouds.

Then he said,

"make me go round the world."

Aah!

No!

I did it, I did it, I killed him!

It was my fault.

When Florence lost her memory

I took it as a blessing from god.

I vowed to create a better life for us.

I changed my name, I moved to a new city.

- Oh, mother, hold me. - Darling.

That's the most exciting story idea I've heard in years.

This is the project that could showcase my talent

as a great dramatic actress.

Story?

A surfer chick with a split personality.

Oh, I can see a hit Broadway play,

and we'll sort out the movie rights.

Honey, I want to option this property, and believe me,

I'll pay top dollar.

Bettina, do you think you're ready to tackle

- such a complex role? - I don't think, I feel.

I know this girl.

I am chicklet.

I hate to miss your opening night,

but I'll be in a loony bin for the criminally cuckoo.

- Oh, no. - Not so fast, chicklet.

I wouldn't model that straightjacket just yet.

Someone so tormented for being an outsider

that she's compelled to destroy others who don't fit in.

Mrs. forrest, you're under arrest.

Oh, no! It can't be!

What are you doing? This is a dreadful mistake.

Come on, sister, you're going places.

Get your hands off me. I'm innocent, I tell you!

I'm innocent!

All right, cut her off at the pits.

Let me go.

No, I'm not moving.

Just try and make me, pig-woman!

Lady, you are getting me steamed!

Oh, please don't hurt her!

You'll never get away with this,

motherfucking cocksuckers!

My mother, a murderess?

What next?

Oh, berdine, did I hurt you?

I'm so sorry.

Oh, I thought by making excuses for you

I was being a best friend.

I should have gotten you help.

I stink rotten eggs.

We've got to get both of you home.

Actually...

I think I'd like to stay a little longer.

I can take Florence home.

Oh, Lars,

you sure picked one heck of an American family

to shack up with.

I'm not worried.

How can I ever thank you?

Well, you just being chicklet again's all the thanks I need,

and believe me, one's enough.

Shall we go?

Florence,

this must be the worst thing that's ever happened to you.

It's definitely up there in the top ten.

Your mother couldn't help herself.

In her own way,

she believed she was saving those poor, sick people.

If you don't mind,

I'm not really in the mood for conversation right now.

I understand completely.

Still, I was surprised

to learn of your deep psychological problems.

I always thought of you

as a well-adjusted typical American girl.

Almost boring, really.

I'm sorry to disappoint you.

There is so much ugliness in the world.

Can't there be anyone who is utterly perfect?

Gee, all those revelations today have made me famished.

How's about stopping over there for a quick bite?

I think not.

Psychologically it just doesn't jive.

- It can't be Mrs. forrest. - Hmm. Poor chicklet.

Well, at least she's not alone.

It's a good thing she has Lars with her, huh?

Yeah, Lars.

Bettina, do you still have that photo of the elkins family?

Well, you mean the ones who were murdered?

I put it in the credenza.

Starcat, what are you doing?

Why are you running away from me?

I only want to help you!

Could you pass the mustard?

Lars, what happened to your accent?

I don't need it. I can finally be myself.

- Call me Larry. - As in elkins?

Pleased to meet you.

Unfortunately, this is also good-bye.

- You best be backing off. - Huh?

You a nut. Give me that knife.

I'm axing you nicely, give me that thang.

Oh, I'll give you the knife.

You going, down, fuckface.

Criminy.

There's the dodge. They must be in the drive-in.

How could you do that to your own family?

You're just like all the others.

- No one understands. - Try me.

I can be very perceptive.

You can't possibly imagine

what it's like to grow up in a house of freaks.

My mother was blind, my father was deaf,

and my sisters were midgets.

They had to die so I could be free.

So why kill me?

I'm your pal. I'm the one who fixed your pants.

And now I'm gonna fix you.

Look, up there!

Alone at last.

Larry, please, don't.

I've got you now, just the way I want you.

You pathetic little worm.

- No man conquers Anne bowman. - What?

You're weak. You disgust me.

You like being humiliated, don't you?

Help me. Chicklet!

Starcat?

The bitch is gone, and now so are you.

Put down the knife.

Make me.

Poor Larry.

That's the end of that.

The circle goes round, but I'm still me.

You're cured.

I remember that grip.

- Feels good? - Mmm, it feels real good.

Want to wrestle?

For the championship.

Let's get out of here.

Boy, there sure are a lot of twisted souls out there.

Maybe I should become a psychiatrist.

You'd be tops.

I'm proof of that.

I'd have to go back to school.

Leave everything behind.

Not everything.

Chicklet, I was wondering,

will I ever?

Florence?

Florence? Florence, wake up.

Wake up.

You got to get up.

I must have been dreaming.

It's time for your treatment.

Ready?

You were in my dream.

- And you were there. - Mm-hmm.

- Bite. - And you.

We dream many foolish things when we're ill.

Kisses.

So it was all her dream?

What a gyp.

Well, it's based on a true story.

I'm just glad that creepy Anne bowman

is locked up for good.

Don't be so sure, darlings.

J p-s-y-c-h-o0, psycho j

j p-s-y-c-h-o0, psycho j

j there was a crazy beach party that was underway j

j with lots of rocking teenagers from the usa 2

j they planed to romp and stomp till broad daylight

j but there was something in the air j

j that something wasn't quite right j

j if I sing anymore, I might give it away j

j it was a psycho beach party in the usa»

j p-s-y-c-h-o0, psycho j

j p-s-y-c-h-o, psycho j;

js yeah

> Ooh jt

J p-s-y-c-h-o, psycho j;

j p-s-y-c-h-o, psycho j;