Original subtitles

(typewriter rattling)

- Earth children are born

without their faculties fully developed.

Hold it.

Continue please. (typewriter rattling)

Therefore I suggest all children be deep frozen

until they reach the age of reason,

at which time they can be thawed and--

- Uncle Martin!

You can't do that, deep freeze children.

- Of course you can, Tim,

you merely reduce the body temperature--

- No, no, no, that's not what I mean.

I mean that is a terrible idea.

- On the contrary Tim,

it's a practical solution to the problem.

Now, to continue, (typewriter rattling)

- [Tim] I thought you liked children.

- I do, my suggestion to deep freeze them

is strictly for their own benefit.

- Turning them into popsicles, that you consider a benefit?

- You are missing the point, Tim.

As you earth children do not have full faculties,

they cannot be productive.

All they can do is play.

Seeing adults accomplish things and themselves not,

there is self-dissatisfaction, frustration, unhappiness.

By suspending animation until the child

can become fully productive, we spare them the unhappiness.

- Uh-huh, and on Mars, I suppose you

deep freeze the young ones?

- Martian children are born adults.

They are spared the ordeal of childhood.

- The ordeal of childhood?

Well, maybe you consider it an ordeal, but we don't.

All right, so there's no crying need

for this world to have mud pies and hopscotch.

But still, that is no reason

to turn your children into ice cubes.

For example, what do you do on Mars when company comes over?

Does Mama go over to the ice bucket and say,

"See the baby?"

- That isn't the way it's done,

and it happens to be an intelligent approach to the problem.

- Well, there isn't any problem.

- There certainly is a problem.

- There is not! - There is a problem.

(typewriter exploding)

(dizzy winding) (spring popping)

Now look what you've done.

- I've done!

- Yes, you've done.

You fed the machine a mass of contradictions,

and it's had a nervous breakdown.

(audience laughing)

- Well, maybe we can find a psychiatrist

who services typewriters.

- That is not funny.

- Oh, all right, maybe it isn't.

But I still think you miss an awful lot

by not having children around who act like children.

Well you do, you miss the normalcies, the little,

(glass shattering)

- You were saying? (audience laughing)

(electronic beeping)

("My Favorite Martian Theme" by George Greeley)

(cheery music)

- What's the temperature?

- 142, it's normal.

No thanks to that poor, unhappy little child.

- Well now, how do you know he was unhappy?

Well how do you, I mean, you were the one that told me

that when Martians were born they were adults,

so you never were a child.

As a matter of fact, you don't even know

what childhood is really like.

You know I wish you'd been with me the other day

when I went over to the childrens' home

to do this article on their out-care program.

Maybe if you had a little personal contact with children.

- Well, this was personal enough, thank you.

- Uncle Martin, do you realize

that you are drawing conclusions without any research?

That is very un-scientific.

No seriously, I bet you'd change your report in a minute

if you knew what childhood is really like.

- I doubt it, but I may just take you up on that bet.

If I had a specimen to observe.

- A specimen?

Oh now, you don't mean a, a child?

- Unless we're talking about pollywogs,

of course I mean a child.

The question is, where would I get one?

- Why don't you look in

the pink and blue pages of your telephone book.

(audience laughing)

- Look in the pink and blue pages of the phone book,

smart-alec.

I'll show him who's un-scientific, and who's right.

- Your nephew's newspaper article has certainly

made our out-care program a success, Mr. O'Hara.

In fact, we're having trouble supplying

all the children who are wanted for weekends.

- Then you don't have one for me?

- Well, Doris is still here, but,

- Nobody seems to want her?

Mm-hmm, a terribly unhappy child, no doubt.

- Well, I wouldn't exactly say,

- I'll take her.

- Well I'm afraid it's not quite that simple.

There are certain requirements.

For one thing, there has to be a missus.

- On the premises?

Well, there most certainly is.

And you couldn't ask for a nicer woman.

- Oh, why didn't she drive out with you this morning?

- Well, she's very, very busy with some brownies.

- A den mother! (audience laughing)

How lovely.

Well, knowing your nephew as I do,

and now that I've met you,

I think we can let you take Doris.

However, I must warn you, she's--

- Say no more.

Just lead me to the poor, unhappy little creature.

- Fine, I'll have someone show you to Doris' room.

Marie?

Will you show this gentleman to Doris' room please?

Good bye, Mr. O'Hara, have a nice weekend.

- Goodbye, and thank you very much.

(cheery music)

Miss Ainsley, will you tell the investigator

to add Doris' name to his checklist?

He can drop in on the O'Haras any time.

Mm-hmm, we're trying again.

But this time, I have a feeling

everything's going to go smooth as pie.

- I dropped it.

- [Martin] Obviously.

- How come you're not mad?

- Because I understand why you did it.

And how difficult it is to be a child in an adult world.

Now if you'll get the dishes, we'll set the table for lunch.

Well, you're just in time for lunch.

- I gather you're feeling better?

- Fit as the proverbial fiddle.

- Well that's good.

Uncle Martin!

- Watch the pie. (audience laughing)

Oh now, don't worry, Tim.

Your clothes will clean all right.

Of course it will be rather expensive to repair the car top.

- Oh, what happened to the car top?

- Doris punched a hole in it.

But your golf club wasn't damaged too much.

- My golf club?

- That's what she used to punch the hole in the car top.

(audience laughing)

however, the side windows only got a little cracked.

- Uncle Martin,

- She's belligerent because she's unhappy, Tim.

Deep freezing would spare her this unhappiness.

- Oh, I suppose you've already turned her into a Popsicle.

- Don't be ridiculous, she's in the garden, why?

- Well, I am going to take her back.

- Nonsense, I've just begun to prove my point.

- Uncle Martin, you can't have a child.

- Of course not.

- No, no, that's not what I mean.

What I mean is this, when you take a child,

an investigator comes around to ask all kinds of questions.

Questions that I know you cannot answer.

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do,

I'm gonna call the home right now

and tell them to take Doris back.

(knocking at door)

Too late.

- It's only Mrs. Brown.

I'll get rid of her.

- Hello, you all.

These are for you.

- They're lovely, thank you very much, Mrs. Brown.

- Oh, but they're not from me,

your little visitor gave them to you.

- Oh, she probably thinks I'm allergic to roses,

and is getting even with the adult world.

- Ding-a-ling, Uncle Martin?

- Oh, I'm wanted on the phone, goodbye Mrs. Brown.

- But I'm not in a hurry.

- Oh, of course you're not.

- Mr. O'Hara I presume?

I am from the orphanage.

- Where Doris is from.

- Charming.

- Oh, this is my nephew, Tim.

- How do you do?

And I suppose this lovely lady is--

- Is the light of my life.

- Martin, why, I'm speechless.

- Let's keep it that way, coochie-coochie-koo.

- Oh and a kee-kee-kee-kee-koo to you.

- Oh I do like to see an affectionate couple.

Well, obviously there's nothing for us to worry about here.

A lovely home, and a loving couple.

Carry on.

And do have a goody-good weekend.

- We certainly will, bye. - Bye.

- Goodbye, Mrs. Brown.

- What happened to the kitschy-kitschy-koo?

(audience laughing)

- Wanna try?

- Of course not.

But if you insist.

How about that, huh?

- Bang, bang!

Gotcha, you ornery critter.

(audience laughing)

- How come I'm always the one that has to get shot?

- Well, you've got the black hat.

- Well, goodnight, Lady Guenevere.

- Good night, Sir Lancelot, and thank you

for saving me from the firy dragon.

- Oh 'twas nothing dear lady, I slay dragons all the time.

- You're fun.

- You're fun too.

- I wish, - What?

- Never mind.

- Go ahead, what do you wish for, a pony,

a day at the beach, a visit to the circus?

- I wasn't wishing for me.

I was wishing for you.

- For me?

- Mm-hmm, I was wishing that you weren't a grown-up,

and we could go on fighting dragons

and building magic castles.

But I guess it's too silly for grown-ups.

- Oh, I don't know about that.

We grown-up even do sillier things.

Good night, princess.

- Guinevere wasn't a princess, she was a lady.

- You're a lady and a princess.

(Humming to "Way down upon the Swanee River")

(pencil lead cracking)

- Well, Doris, she's gone.

Why would she,

Oh, she saw your report.

Did you make notes on her?

- I feel awful, Tim.

Why do I feel so awful?

- Oh I don't know, that's because

your involvement with her is purely scientific.

I should live so long.

- No sign of her out in back.

- Not out front either.

(telephone ringing) Hello?

Hello, Mrs. Perkins! (audience laughing)

What, but, but, it'll be fine, Mrs. Perkins.

'Bye, Mrs. Perkins.

- What's the matter?

- Mrs. Perkins is coming over to pick up Doris at 8:00.

You know it's too bad you didn't deep freeze her.

Now all you'd have to do is thaw her out.

- Tim, that is not cricket.

- Well all right, I'm sorry, Uncle Martin, you're right.

- We don't have any time to waste.

Come on, we've got to find her.

- Doris!

Doris!

(electronic tones)

What are you doing?

- I'm utilizing my supersonic electro-detector.

I can pickup human electron vibrations

when my thought processes

are tuned to the subject in question.

- Oh, why didn't you say so?

Are you trying to tell me that you can locate Doris?

- I'm afraid it's not quite that simple, Tim.

The detector merely guides me in the general direction.

We're definitely on the right track.

(thunder cracking)

- Boy, it looks like it's gonna pour.

Gee, I wonder if she could have

headed over to the old Miller place.

- The old Miller place?

- Yeah, it's about a half-mile ahead.

Of course no one lives up there now.

Supposed to be haunted.

Hey, that's not exactly the best place

for a kid to try and take refuge.

Maybe we better get the car and drive back up there, huh?

- Hold it, Tim.

She might not have reached the Miller place yet.

I suggest we leave the car here, split up,

with you taking the back way

and me taking the front way on foot.

We can both meet at the Miller place,

once we've scoured the half-mile ahead.

- Well look, you go ahead and start.

- I'll catch up with you.

I have to put the top up on my car first.

(thunder cracking)

- Doris.

Doris?

Doris?

(wind whistling) (door banging)

(steps creaking)

(shutters banging)

Doris.

Doris?

Doris?

- Doris?

(stuttering) Doris?

Uncle Martin?

- Now, what in the world made him do that?

I know I'm no raving beauty but,

Well, as I live and breathe.

Tim, it's me, Uncle Martin.

- Uncle Martin, you, you're, you're

- I know, like something off the label of an iodine bottle.

- What happened?

- I was struck by a bolt of lightening on the way here.

Receiving all that excess power

overloaded my generating system.

That in turn, knocked out my positive photo-electric cells,

leaving me in the negative form, much like your x-rays.

- Oh, that's just great.

What do we do now, take you down to a hardware store

and have them re-wire you?

- Tim, this is no time for levity.

Time is running out, and we still have to find Doris.

Well, I didn't see hide nor hair of her on the way here.

- She's in this house somewhere.

My detector registered 1,000 millicycles

as soon as I got inside.

- Boy, that's a relief, I,

Hey just a second.

You can't run around and let her see you like that,

in your condition, you'd scare her half to death.

- You're right.

You'll have to locate the main power switch

to give me the positive recharge I'll need.

- Uncle Martin, no one has lived in this house for 10 years.

None of the power is on.

- Then we'll simply have to improvise.

We'll try the electric fluid theory.

It's rather simple really.

Each body contains two electrical fluids,

which are self-repulsive, yet mutually attractive.

By our acting as positive poles,

we'll make a positive and negative.

We'll have to work fast.

Doris, she's about to come downstairs.

Well come on, put up the old antennas and disappear.

- I'm afraid I can't in the condition I'm in.

Quick, get out of sight.

I'll hide in the closet and try to get her back upstairs

without frightening her too much.

(bones clicking)

(doors banging open)

- We better find that master switch before Doris--

- We're in luck, I found it in the closet, come on.

The boosters and power lines are there,

right over the master switch.

With the power off, it's safe for you

to pull the lines out so we can wire ourselves up.

- Right.

What was that for?

- We'll need some generating source to spark us.

- You're gonna use a rug as a generator?

- Most carpets and rugs can serve as one,

if you rub your feet across them.

Grab the other wire and start rubbing.

Hands out, facing each other.

All right Tim, throw the main switch.

- All right, but I sort of feel like

the warden at Sing Sing.

(electrical arcing)

(Doris screaming)

- Let me out of here, this place is haunted!

- Doris, stop it, dear, no.

(screaming)

Those noises you heard was just the wind.

There aren't any ghosts or goblins.

- Oh no, you're one.

You wanted to deep freeze me, I saw what you wrote.

- But that was before I knew any children,

or what it was like to be a child.

I made a mistake.

- You did not.

It's awful to be a child.

- How can you say that?

Didn't we have fun together,

slaying dragons and building magic castles?

- But you really didn't want to do all those things.

You just wanted to study me, like a worm.

- No, like a child.

And like a child, you trusted me.

I let you down, Doris, and I'm sorry.

You know, it's a funny thing.

But adults always think that they give so much to children,

when it's children who do the giving.

You gave me a lot, Doris.

- Me?

- You gave me a taste of the joys of childhood.

And I thank you for that.

- I did that? - You did.

- But what about your report?

- I no longer feel the way I did when I wrote that report.

It's not children who need to be frozen,

but adults who need to be defrosted.

Now, what would you say about

a nice double-scoop banana split,

with loads of chocolate syrup

and marshmallow and nuts and cherries?

- Uncle Martin, what about Mrs. Perkins?

- Well, we'll invite her along.

After all Tim, we're one lady short.

I've got my date, but you'll need one.

(audience laughing)

- Some people just don't know how to keep house.

- See you next Saturday.

- Right, bang, bang, bang, gotcha!

- Now listen, next time I get the white hat, okay?

- I doubt it.

Well, good night. - Good bye.

- Tim, would you mind taking some dictation?

- Well, yes sir, yes sir.

- Martian report number one,

- Martian report one,

- Subtitle: A Recommendation to the

Interplanetary, Correlative and Explorative Society.

That they examine the possibility of establishing

a period of childhood for Martian children.

And a recommendation to earth people,

that after achieving maturity, each adult

receive childhood shots.

So that they will never forget what it is to be a child.

What's the matter, Tim?

- Nothing, nothing.

I was just thinking.

You know, you are my favorite Martian.

(cheerful music)

("My Favorite Martian Theme" by George Greeley)

(upbeat electronic music)