Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

Hey, do I have trouble maintaining an organized work space?

-What? -Okay, I'm gonna put "one, rarely."

No, hold up, I'm gonna put "four, very frequently."

I feel like my work space is all [bleep] up.

Dad, what are you doing?

Man, I'm filling out this intake questionnaire.

I'm gonna see this psychiatrist.

I've been feeling stressed out lately.

Anxious as a mother [bleep], man.

I think it's all these mysteries,

these goblins and ghouls.

Dad, I didn't know you were suffering so much.

I keep it all bottled up.

But that's what you gotta do when you have no friends,

no loved ones, no support system.

-[Marquess] What? -Dad!

Oh, one more question for you, my friends and loved ones...

And again, thank you for your support.

Would you say I'm "quick to startle"?

-Happy hump day, team! -[shrieks]

Dad!

I'm gonna put "zero, never."

Hey, Yung, thanks again for last night.

I can't stop thinking about it.

[spits]

Oh, my God, are you two [bleep]?

What? No!

Okay. Oral counts though, eh?

Don't act like oral doesn't count, you two.

We're not having sex!

You'd be lucky to be with a man like Deezy, Yung.

I think of Deezy like a son.

And who wouldn't want their son and daughter to be together?

Man, this is great news.

My depression is lifting.

We have a wedding to plan.

Deezy, say something!

Okay. Okay.

I'm sorry to say that Yung and I are not romantically involved.

Last night, she was kind enough to bail me out of jail.

Oh, my... What were you in jail for?

Now, don't worry, Marquess, it wasn't anything bad,

nothing that would discredit the reputation of the Mystery Team or Mike.

I was simply soliciting a prostitute

who turned out to be an undercover cop.

So, you're telling me there's not going to be a wedding?

I'm afraid not.

-Unless you'll have me, Yung? -No.

Worth a try.

Oh, by the way, you got a new mystery.

You guys have to do this one without me, man.

I am so crestfallen about Deezy and Yung breaking up, man,

I need to see that psychiatrist immediately.

I guess at the end of the day,

I just feel stressed and anxious and tired and moody.

[doctor] Well again, I'm an orthodontist.

I think you probably wanted Dr. Kozrhaviyani.

She's on the fifth floor.

I'm Dr. Sullivan.

So, I'm not quite sure how you got us mixed up.

Well, it was a happy accident because I feel a lot better.

You're very easy to talk to.

Can I see you again next week?

I suppose.

Are you interested in teeth straightening?

Well, I guess the important thing is that you feel better.

So, how long are you gonna have braces?

Anywhere from 18 to 24 months,

depending on how good I am about wearing my rubber bands.

I'm... I'm sorry,

why do your braces look so, um, extra shiny?

I went with chrome.

They offered me clear, but I'm not looking to hide my braces.

And there's no shame in trying to better yourself.

Go chrome or go home, baby!

So, what's today's mystery?

I don't know if I explained it well in my note,

but my old hairstylist Dustin,

had a minor surgery a couple of months ago

and had to take time off.

So I went to another stylist in the salon, Anastasia,

and she gave me the best haircut of my life.

So, just to clarify,

the haircut we're looking at right now,

this is the... best haircut of your life?

-Yes. -Mm-kay.

Well, it's a little grown out.

Which is why I need a trim.

The problem is,

I just poked my head in there and Dustin's back.

But I have an appointment with Anastasia!

I don't know what to do!

If I go back to Dustin, I know I'm going to hate my hair.

But if I go with Anastasia, Dustin will hate me.

Thank God I talked to that orthodontist,

because this is just the type of mystery

that would normally stress me out.

Um, are you sure he'll hate you?

'Cause, I mean, it's just a haircut.

Uh, "just a haircut"?

You know what, Yung, you can be a real dumb [bleep] sometimes.

-What? -I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That was harsh.

It's probably because I'm off sugar.

But the honest to God's truth is

the right haircut can change your life.

Which is why, it is so frustrating for me

that you insist on keeping this...

unflattering cabbage-shaped nothing on your head.

You have a round face!

You need length, you need layers.

I mean, I don't know why we're wasting our time with this dumb bitch,

you're the one that needs a hair appointment.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

You're probably not a dumb bitch.

But I am definitely a sugar addict,

and going cold turkey was a [bleep] mistake.

Look, my appointment with Anastasia starts, like, right now,

so what are we going to do?

[Pigeon] We are not going to do anything.

I am going to go inside

and tell the one, you have an appointment with the other,

and then we will be done with this mystery

and I will go to that Hooters up there, get sauced

and give one of them busty gals...

a nice big hot tip. [chuckles]

Oh, my God. Let me guess, the tip of your dick?

[Pigeon] No.

I thought, uh, 25% would be generous?

It wasn't a "minor surgery," you heartless [bleep].

That poor man had testicular cancer.

He had a testicle removed

and he starts radiation on Monday.

[stutters] I didn't know.

I bet you didn't know,

because you've probably never asked the man a single question.

Did you know that he lost his partner

to a drunk driver in 2007?

Did you know that he hasn't spoken to anyone in his family since 2003,

merely because he came out as homosexual?

As if that is anything but an example of pure courage?

I had no idea.

I'm sorry, team.

But I can't in good conscience,

participate in the solving of a mystery

for someone of such low moral character.

No, I'm sorry.

I can't believe how selfish I was being.

I am going to cancel with Anastasia and stay with Dustin.

Wow. Man, that guy's been through so much.

Oh, yeah, what guy's that?

Dustin. The hairdresser.

Oh, no, I just made that all up.

-Wait, what? -[Yung] Pigeon!

I asked him if I could use the men's room,

and he started yammering about

how they don't have a "men's" bathroom or a women's bathroom,

they have, get this, an all-gender bathroom.

So then I asked him, "Ah, who cares,

how do you get up to that upper level where the Hooters is?"

And he said there's an escalator.

And so I go, "Oh, yeah,

is it an all-gender escalator?"

[chuckles]

Oh, yeah, [bleep] it, let's all go.

We solved the mystery. We deserve a little treat.

Wait, but... what's happening?

Where the [bleep] is this taking us?

[trumpet sounding]

-Oh, dear. Oh, no! -What?

That's Gabriel blowing his horn.

They are calling me home.

Good, because I need to take a shit

and I don't like public restrooms.

Especially not one of those all-gender bathrooms.

Trust me, the ladies don't like following me

after I've taken a shit in an all-gender bathroom.

I'm not talking about our home, Michael.

I'm talking about home-home.

Heaven.

Welcome home, Marquess.

Gabriel, why am I here?

You've been a ghost long enough, Marquess.

-You've been promoted! -What... Oh, wait...

Are you... [gasps]

Are you saying what I think you're saying?

You're gonna get your wings, Marquess.

Shut up. Shut the [bleep] up.

Are you [bleep] serious?

Are you being [bleep] serious right now?

Abso-[bleep]-lutely...

-[screams] -...[bleep]-serious.

-You earned it, sweetie! -Oh!

Let's get the rest of the angels out here.

-It's a celebration, after all. -[Marquess] Oh!

Did you want to blow it?

-Did you want to blow my horn? -Oh.

[stutters] Oh, I...

-No, I can't... -Come on.

Don't be nervous.

You know how to give a good blow.

Eh, that I do, no complaints.

Okay. Here we go. [inhales]

[trumpet sounds]

-See? There's Azrael. -[Marquess] Azrael!

-Raphael. -[Marquess] Raphael!

-Sariel. -[Marquess] Sariel!

-Uriel. -[Marquess] Aww!

You get the point.

[angels] G'day, Marquess.

Good lord, is heaven made up

entirely of the Thunder From Down Under all-male revue?

Okay now, Marquess,

I'm afraid it's time for you to say goodbye to your mates.

Wait, you're staying here?

You're not coming home with us?

Oh... Oh, dear, that's right.

I won't see them again.

Oh, there there,

sweet Yung. I'll miss you, too.

I always imagined I'd be at your wedding,

be at the birth of your first child.

But who are we kidding,

none of that's gonna happen

if you don't do something different with this hair.

My sweet, sweet Michael.

Where do I begin? Ah!

From the moment I--

I'm sorry to cut you off, Marquess,

but I gotta get back down to Earth

and take that [bleep] I was talking about.

[Michael farts]

Pigeon...

Pidge! The Pidge Man...

Shut up and kiss me.

[Marquess moans]

Pigeon! I don't know what to say.

I never knew you... had such feelings for me.

I don't!

I don't, it's just those deeply muscular,

heavily-oiled, hard-bodied angels

got me all horned up.

I mean, you are all beautiful men.

I would be honored to share an all-gender bathroom with any of you.

All right, take it easy, Marquess.

[Pigeon] And I coulda done without the tongue.

I'm happy for you, Marquess.

But to me, you already were an angel.

-[thunderclap] -[God] Marquess!

Oh, that's God now.

Now, remember, Marquess, no one can see the face of God.

-[gasps] -It is a light too pure and beautiful to witness.

So, close your eyes,

for he who looks upon God's face shall be no more.

-[thunderclap] -[God] Marquess!

[sighs]

I'm really gonna miss him.

-Oh, yeah, who's that? -[Mike] Get outta the way!

Every all-gender bathroom was taken down there,

and I can't hold it much longer! [farts]

[angelic vocalization]

[Mike] Marquess, where's the bathroom?

Michael, shut your eyes!

You're in the presence of God!

Ooh, it feels so good!

I feel you, God!

I love you, God!

[God gasps] I've never seen my face before.

I'm so beautiful!

[explosion]

[wind whistling]

-Marquess! What happened? -Nothing. Nothing.

I just... Just didn't want to be an angel.

Swear to God.

Okay, or, you know, swear to... whatever.

Let's get the [bleep] outta here.

Oh, maybe we can stop in that department store

and see about getting me a new pair of sweatpants,

because I took a shit in these.

[rumbling]

[theme music playing]