Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

[Mike] Family meeting has begun. No more talking, no more fun.

Okay, first order of business.

Does anyone watch Showtime, Starz or the Sundance Channel?

Deezy thinks we're paying too much for cable.

[stammers] Well, I watch those, Mike.

I was thinking more like your Nat Geos, your Lifetime,

your CNNs, your CNBCs...

Then what would I watch?

No, this motion is tabled until the next family meeting.

Okay, next agenda item.

Should we get a dog?

Let's get some pros and cons on the board.

I'll start.

Good to eat.

[Marquess] What?

Deezy says we're spending too much money on groceries.

We could get a big dog, chop him up

and whatever we don't eat, we freeze him for the winter.

Dad, you can't eat a dog.

Well then, that's a "con."

Well, I for one, think we should get a dog.

They're cute and cuddly and it could protect the house when we're gone.

Okay, wait. Well, now I hate to be the bearer of bad news

but I am deathly allergic to dogs.

Well, I say, if Marquess is deathly allergic to dogs,

we run, not walk, to get a dog!

Family meeting adjourned.

[Marquess] Okay, uh, he can't do that.

[all screaming]

This is why we have to shut the sliding glass door, Pigeon.

[gasps]

Dad, you killed it.

But now we have food for the winter.

Oh, the poor thing was carrying a mystery message. Uh...

"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,

I'm afraid my 17-year-old son Landon

is addicted to pain pills.

I wanted to have an intervention but as a single dad

I could use your help.

Kenneth Boone, Santa Barbara, California."

Oh. [gasps]

I adore Santa Barbara.

I would move there in a New York minute.

Oh, who am I kidding? I would move to New York

in a Santa Barbara minute.

[chuckles] Anywhere but this shithole.

Deezy says we have to live in Las Vegas

for tax purposes.

Yeah, I think that's right. I should check up on that though.

I might have been thinking of the Cayman Islands.

Oh, well, maybe that'd be a fun place to move to.

[Kenneth Boone] Thank you so much for coming.

Sorry, I just need to get Sophie fed.

She's six, kind of a picky eater.

My wife used to do all the cooking. I can barely boil water.

It's very easy.

Um... How long since your wife passed?

"Passed"? [scoffs] I mean come on,

passed, what is that? Just say "died."

His wife died. Is "died" a bad word?

You know? You know what a bad word is? [bleeping]

...is a bad word. "[bleep] sucker" is a bad word.

But you can say "died." Say "died".

-Okay, fine. Died. -Okay, now say "[bleep] sucker."

-[gasps] -[laughs]

-My God, Pigeon. -Maggie left us four months ago.

"Left us"? That's worse than "passed."

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna "leave us" right now

and go "pass" a giant turd

in this [bleep] sucker's bathroom.

Okay, ew.

Sophie. Lunch is ready.

[sighs] Maggie was sick for a long time.

She was in horrible pain so we had every kind of pain pill

they'll prescribe in the house.

I should have gotten rid of them sooner

but the thought of cleaning out her medicine cabinet

seemed overwhelming.

I finally got the courage a few days ago

and they were all gone.

Every pill, every bottle.

Now, what makes you so sure your son took them?

He just hasn't been himself. He's suddenly so secretive.

And no one else has been in our house since Maggie departed.

"Departed"? Really?

Honey, why aren't you eating?

There's nothing to eat.

[Mike] Oh, was the mac and cheese for her?

I'm sorry, little girl, let me make you some.

Dad, wha-what's going on?

Landon... You know how much I love you, right?

What are you talking about? Who are these people?

Seriously? You don't know who that is?

The one with the face tattoo?

I'll give you three guesses. Bill Cosby, Mike Tyson or Jaws the shark.

You have one minute and your time starts now.

Landon, this is an intervention.

For what?

I know you've been taking Mom's pain pills.

What? No, I haven't.

Landon, you need help.

You're addicted to opioids.

Dad, I swear I'm not!

[voice breaks] My son, my beautiful son,

I know you're hurting. We all miss her so much.

And it makes sense to want to numb the pain.

Dad, I'm not taking pain pills!

Oh, come on, Landon. You isolate.

You're always in your room with the door locked.

Dad, please believe me. I-I swear on Mom's grave.

[tearfully] I've never taken an opioid. I-I just miss Mom.

I believe you.

[both sobbing]

-[chair skids] -[Marquess] Lies!

This is all lies. An addict can't be trusted.

An addict cares about one thing and one thing only.

Their next fix. And they don't care

whose lives they have to destroy to get it.

-Marquess. -I-I'm sorry, I am sorry, Yung,

I am sorry. I just know what it is like to lose someone

I love to addiction.

[Marquess] It was 1869... Summer.

The summer of '69 we called it...

Sir Rodney Pumpbutters and I ran off to the Orient,

two young vibrant men, no older than Landon here,

seeking adventure and new experiences.

Oh, we bought spices and silks in Shenzhen

and took a slow boat

down the Yangtze River to Nanjing.

It was there we were first introduced

to the power of the poppy.

It was an ecstasy unlike any I had ever felt.

We spent weeks in our little opium den,

drifting in and out of consciousness.

Oh, dancing. Writing poetry.

Making love. But when summer turned to fall to winter,

I knew it was time to come home.

I went to arrange passage back to England

and discovered that Rodney had stolen my funds.

Oh, every last bank note he used up chasing the dragon.

He lied to me of course,

he swore on his mother's grave, too.

I never saw him again.

He reportedly died

when high as a kite and holding a candelabra,

wandered into a Chinese fireworks factory.

[explosions]

Now, Kenneth, get your car keys.

You're taking your son to rehab.

No! I'm not an addict!

He'll say anything in this state,

anything he thinks we want to hear.

Michael. Grab the boy. Get him in the car.

Oh, good. I was having trouble boiling that water.

It-it's harder than it looks.

Hey. Stop. No--

Don't worry, we'll watch Sophie.

Okay, thanks.

Your brother's gonna be okay.

Not likely. No, they have a very poor rate of success

at these facilities.

Um, what happens is they'll keep him

until the insurance runs out

then they'll say he's cured

and then he'll suspiciously overdose

and we'll be done with the matter.

Mystery solved.

-Pigeon. -[Pigeon] Huh?

Oh, no, no, no, no, don't have candy,

I'll make you something good to eat.

It's not for me.

A.F.O.S., I brought you some candy.

[all gasp]

No! No one's supposed to know about him,

not even Daddy.

[Pigeon] What the [bleep] is that?

We call him A.F.O.S.

He's an alien from outer space.

His spaceship crash-landed and Landon found him

on his walk home from school.

Landon says no one can know about him

or they'll do bad experiments on him.

Did you take your medicine, A.F.O.S.?

Are those your mom's pain pills?

He hurt his leg in the crash.

So Landon gave him Mom's medicine for the pain.

A.F.O.S. take medicine.

A.F.O.S. like pills.

Want more pills.

Oh, dear God.

[gasps] That boy was telling the truth.

Opioid addiction can be a lifelong battle.

I'm gonna recommend a 90-day program.

Oh. He's supposed to start his freshman year

at Stanford in two weeks.

Well, there is a new treatment that in some patients

can work practically overnight.

An electromagnet is placed at the base of the brain

and one large pulse is delivered.

It's very effective, but it's...

It is extremely expensive.

I don't care what it costs. Are there any risks?

Not to Landon.

No. Now, if someone like you

or I were to have it done,

someone who's not addicted to opioids, uh...

It would be catastrophic.

Well, lucky for us that Landon is addicted to opioids.

Let's do it.

Wonderful.

I'll warm up the machine.

Oh. [gasping]. Wait here.

Where's Landon?

Getting cured.

Oh!

Landon... How did it go?

Um...

Now, are we sure he was addicted to opioids?

We're 100% sure, right, Marquess?

The doctor is asking because we have given him

an experimental procedure that would be catastrophic

if he wasn't.

Mmm-hmm. Yeah. Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, yeah. He was an addict,

and um, now he's, uh, had, uh... treatment...

And, um, yeah. Now we should all go back

to beautiful Nevada and let this family, um...

You know, let this family heal.

[knocking at door]

[Pigeon] What do you want?

Can we come in?

[Pigeon] No.

Well, uh, do you want to sign this card?

[Pigeon] What card?

It's a farewell card for A.F.O.S.

He's finally off opioids and ready to go back

to his home planet.

[Pigeon] No.

What are you doing in there? I--

Eh, uh, I'll sign it for him.

A.F.O.S., we have something for you.

-[Marquess] Eh. -[Yung Hee] Ah.

Where is he?

Dad, have, uh, have you seen A.F.O.S.?

That little turtle that we brought home

from Santa Barbara?

Well, he's not a turtle. He's an alien.

Alien from outer space. A.F.O.S.

Oh, damn. I thought it stood for

another [bleep] option besides steak.

That's why I called him A.F.O.B.S.

Anyway he's right here.

[Yung Hee and Marquess gasp]

I know it looks like a lot of food but whatever

we don't eat we can chop it up,

freeze it and save it for the winter.

Damn, Mike, with savings like this,

I think we can see about getting Showtime hooked back up.

[theme music playing]