Original subtitles

[opening theme music playing]

[Deezy] I just wanna welcome everyone

to the official housewarming party.

I finally got my place looking the way I wanted.

So, um... Cheers, team.

[Marquess] Cheers.

Eh... Hmm.

Mmm. Huh?

This is fun.

Ah.

Oh, the candles are a nice touch.

Well, there's no electricity out here, no running water.

You got running water. The pool.

Oh, that's true. I'm not complaining.

I got the pool. I bathe in the pool.

Attitude of gratitude.

Hey, anyone care for one of these pigs in a blanket?

I don't know.

Do any not have bird shit all over them?

[bleep] You, Pigeon.

Oh, good. Looks like we got a mystery.

Hopefully the kind that send us so we can get the [bleep] out of here.

"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team.

My husband and I had dinner at our friends, the Stevensons.

Naturally, we sent them a thank you card.

But now they've sent us flowers,

thanking us for the thank you card.

Are we supposed to send another thank you card?

Obviously this isn't an emergency, but we'd love your help.

Warmly, Shelley and Phil Holbrook."

Ooh, that sounds like an emergency.

Sorry, Deezy, we gotta go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I just wanna thank everyone for coming

to my beautiful home,

which I would not have if it weren't for your generosity, Mike.

Truly, without this place, I would be homeless.

Yeah. Come on, let's go.

[Pigeon] Watch it! [screams]

My body's on fire! Open the [bleep] door!

[shudders] It's locked!

I didn't want nobody to leave early, so I locked it.

[all screaming]

Good party, Deezy.

Pig in a blanket?

Don't mind if I do.

Mmm. These are beautiful.

Is this the bouquet they sent you?

This is the $100 bouquet the Stevensons sent us.

We looked it up online.

Wow, that's nice.

It's extravagant!

And unnecessary.

Who gives a thank you gift for a thank you card?

Now what are we supposed to do?

Wait, so your... So your problem is

deciding whether or not you have to now give something

in return for the flowers?

Yes!

The Stevensons have put us in an awful position.

It's truly untenable.

White people problems.

The most fascinating problems of all.

I myself would not have given a shit.

But you are the client,

and therefore we will pretend like this is a real problem.

May I have another little hotdog in a towel?

None of this would have happened

if we'd just done what I said.

-But Shelley... -It's true.

I said we should have been the ones to send flowers.

That would have been overkill.

A card was absolutely appropriate.

Well, obviously it wasn't,

because they sent us flowers to make a point.

They're [bleep] with us.

[gasps]

Oh!

I'm sorry.

This is just all very stressful.

Well, what about getting them a bottle of wine?

[Marquess] Ah, I love that.

Wine is perfect. That should end this.

And you don't have to go crazy.

Just do like $20 to $30 pinot, or cab, or zin.

-Oh. Hmm. -Oh.

We can't thank you enough.

Just send us a thank you card,

and we'll send you some flowers,

and then you'll send us a nice pinot, or cab, or zin.

[Deezy] I wanna thank everyone for coming to my grand reopening,

a.k.a. Housewarming Party Two.

It took a lot of blood, sweat and tears to rebuild.

Literally.

I cut myself many times, and I cried every night.

And as you remarked about the body odor smell when you came in here, Mike,

I also sweat a lot.

But I did it, and now I have a roof over my head.

Again.

[Marquess] Oh, thank God.

"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,

the situation with the Stevensons has gone from bad to worse.

Please hurry.

Warmly, Shelley and Phil Holbrook."

Well, Deezy, as they say, all good things must come to an end.

Or bad things. Like this party.

Oh, I got that locked.

Let me get that for you. Pardon me.

Ooh! What's the smell?

Oh, that's me.

I gotta get in that pool and take a shower.

This is such a mess. Such an absolute mess.

We are going crazy here.

We want off this rollercoaster!

Okay. Okay. Now, look.

Take a deep breath and tell us what happened.

We sent them a bottle of wine, and they hated it.

Now, Shelley, we don't know that.

We never heard from them.

We sent it two weeks ago and we never got a thank you letter.

I thought you didn't want a thank you letter?

We didn't want a thank you letter thanking us for the wine.

We just wanted some acknowledgement

that they'd received it.

Because for all we know it got lost in the mail.

But either way, it's a disaster.

Either they never got it and they think we're ungrateful for the flowers,

or they did get it,

and they think it wasn't enough of a thank you for the flowers.

Oh, God. Phil, we are [bleep].

-[both gasp] -Shelley.

[sobs] Oh, God.

I'm sorry. [sobbing]

I mean, I have known white people my whole life,

and I'm no closer to understanding them.

They are truly fascinating.

Michael. How can we help you?

Murder Phil and Shelley?

Ha ha! Oh.

I'm sorry. I thought you were asking how you can help me.

Would you go over to the Stevensons

and find out if they got the wine

and how they feel about us?

[woman] It's a bedside valet

for your cufflinks and your bits and baubles.

It's cute,

but it's a bit personal.

Not that I don't love it, because I do love it,

and I'm gonna get it for myself.

[chuckles]

Hold on.

Don't move.

I have something in the back.

What are we doing here?

Well, we can't just go over to the Stevensons empty handed.

That's rude!

We need to bring a little something.

Not too much of a thing,

because we don't even know them.

But we definitely have to bring something.

Ah, I think I finally get it.

White people don't have any problems,

so they have to create problems.

What about this pair of vintage Italian ceramic roosters?

[gasps dramatically]

Of course we received the wine, and we threw it in the trash.

Oh, my God! Just when I think I was starting to get it.

Why would you throw it away?

Because it was a slap in the face.

It was designed to injure.

That wine was meant to ridicule us.

The night we had them for dinner,

Kip had a little too much to drink.

Goddamn it, Alicia. I had three glasses of wine.

I can't have three glasses of wine in my own home?

I have a very stressful job.

Kip is a financial advisor

for a major Fortune 500 company.

With all due respect,

they actually sent you the wine to thank you for the flowers.

Why would they thank us for the flowers?

The flowers were a thank you for their thank you card.

It was over.

No, they had to get their dig in.

I drink because I like it, not because I have to.

Well, now the ball is in our court.

Perhaps we could send them a gift card from Williams Sonoma?

Yes, that's perfect.

That's just what those [bleep] deserve.

[gasps]

Wait, now I'm bewildered.

Why would you send Shelley and Phil

a Williams Sonoma gift card if you're mad at them?

Because they're not well off.

And they'll be reminded of that fact

when they use our gift card

to get something they couldn't afford on their own.

[Mike] What?

I think the four of you need to get together and talk.

I think this is all just a big misunderstanding.

Well, I'm not setting foot in their house

and they certainly aren't welcome in ours.

[bottle breaking]

[exclaims] Gah! It broke.

It slipped out of my hand.

Something must be wrong with this glass.

It's not because I'm drunk.

Stop staring at me.

You're all making a scene.

All of you!

Oh, thank you, Marquess.

It's not for you, Michael. It's for our guests.

Wait, who are our guests?

The Stevensons and the Holbrooks.

We thought they should meet somewhere neutral,

so we offered our house.

[car doors shutting]

Oh, God. Why do they have those gift bags?

[Marquess] Huh?

Well, I'm sure they're bringing you a gift.

It's their first time in your home.

It's what you do.

Oh, no! If they give me something,

then I have to give them something.

We'll all be embroiled in it.

I can't be embroiled in this, Marquess.

[doorbell ringing]

Well, then what are we supposed to do?

We invited them here.

Isn't there any other place they can go?

Ooh! A scented candle!

You shouldn't have.

Well, thank you for having us into your home.

Oh, damn! A 14 year old scotch?

Very nice.

That's several more years than I'm used to.

Think nothing of it. It's what you do.

[man on TV] You'd really think they gotta go for it here.

They've been running...

Deezy, how do they seem?

Real good. Real good.

They seem to be getting along real good.

I lit a candle,

poured them a little scotch,

and now they're just chilling.

Just reconciling.

And just to make sure that no one leaves until they do,

I locked that door.

[Shelley] Kip, I think you've had enough.

[Kip] Shut up. You're not my wife.

[Phil] Don't tell my wife to shut up.

[Kip] Don't talk to me! You're poor!

-[woman grunts] -[thudding]

[all grunting, clamoring]

[Alicia] You're stepping on my dress.

Kip, let's get out of here.

-[Kip] Damn you! -[Alicia] Open the door!

Open the door!

[all screaming]

Now, tell me this.

Do you think I need to get these people a gift because they gave me a gift?

I think you're good.

[closing theme music playing]