Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

Well, don't you look cute.

Oh, thanks. [chuckles]

I hope you don't mind I borrowed your jeans.

Ugh, keep them. I bought them like ten pounds ago.

Tell Dad I'll be back in about an hour.

Hey, hey, we got a new mystery.

Oh.

Dad, what's on your face?

Birthday cake. I just ate a birthday cake.

-Whose birthday is it? -Nobody.

They sell them at the grocery store.

You can get them anytime you want,

even if it's not your birthday.

Okay. So, what's the mystery.

Here, you read it. I don't feel well, I don't know why.

All I had today is a can of sardines and a birthday cake,

so it's not that.

But my stomach does hurt.

I bet it's that stress. I've been under so much stress lately.

"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team.

Please help me find my beloved Perry.

We've spent every day together for the last 53 years.

But then, Sunday morning, we were enjoying our breakfast,

and I looked up and he was gone.

Perry is quite old

and I worry he'll become disoriented

and won't remember where he lives.

Please hurry. Yours, very truly, Miriam Shulwitz."

Oh, that's terrible.

She must be so worried about her husband. Okay, we should hurry.

Wait, weren't... Weren't you about to go somewhere?

Well, yeah, but it can wait.

I mean, nothing's more important than

finding some poor old man with dementia.

[Pigeon laughs] Yeah, what about finding some rich young gal

with "Touch my Titties" syndrome?

I mean, I think that would be more important.

It would be more important to me.

[Miriam] Oh, thank goodness.

I just know you'll find my Perry.

He must feel so scared and alone.

Come. Come inside.

This way, this way.

[groans] What is that smell?

I'll tell you what it is. It's old people.

That smell is decades of old people, literally.

The air is filled with tiny particles of their old skin

as it sloughs off their old withered bodies.

You're breathing them in, they're inside of you.

No different than if they'd forced themselves on you sexually.

-Pigeon! -Oh, she can't hear me.

Here, here, right here.

I was sitting here.

I was having my juice and a buttered egg.

Ooh, what's a buttered egg?

It's a poached egg.

Then why did you call it buttered egg?

-What? -Why did you call it a buttered egg?

-What? -[loudly] Why did you call it a buttered egg?

-What? -Oh, my God.

[Mike] Why did you call it a buttered egg?

-[laughs] -[Miriam] What?

Ah, shit, this is good. This is so [bleep] crazy.

Ask her again, Mike. Ask her again.

[loudly] Why did you call it a buttered egg?

Yes, for breakfast.

And that's when I looked up here.

You see, I noticed that Perry was not in his cage.

And I had opened the window here.

You see, because the house was warm that day

and there was a smell.

A musty smell.

I don't know what the smell was.

So, I opened the window and he must have flown away.

Wait, wait.

Perry's a bird?

Perry's a parrot. Perry the parrot?

Oh, my [bleep] God!

What's that, little boy?

You want a buttered egg?

-[Marquess] Yung, wha-- -[door closes]

That seemed very unlike her.

Or am I wrong?

Was that very like her?

I don't really know Yung.

Yung. Yung.

-What is going on? -We rushed over here, Marquess,

for a bird!

-I mean, it's just a waste. -Okay, now, now, no mystery is a waste, Yung.

I'm not talking about the mystery.

I'm talking about my life. What am I doing?

I'm 19. I'm not in college,

-I have no friends. -What?

What about Cassie from the episode entitled "Spring Break"?

-No, she got a boyfriend. -Oh.

I barely talk to her anymore. I mean, that's another thing I don't have.

What? Wait, what about that religious boy from the episode...

Oh, what was it called? No...

It had Jerry Jones in it as God.

I don't know. It had a crazy ending. I don't like those.

I like these character moments. Hmm? Like this one?

Do you wanna know where I was going this morning?

-[cell phone buzzes] -Ah. Hmm.

Mmm. Okay. No.

Where were you going?

-To interview for a job. -Oh, my God, that's amazing. What was the job?

-[cell phone buzzes] -Oh.

-Do you need to get that? -Mmm, no. No.

-[cell phone buzzes] -You know what? Let me just, real quick...

There, let me just...

Okay. Okay. So you were... Hmm, what were you...

Oh, you were getting a job! Okay, okay, here we go.

You were getting a job. That's great.

It's nothing great. It's just a store at the mall.

I'm sure I wouldn't have gotten it anyway

'cause I don't even have any sales experience.

I only know how to do this, whatever the hell this is.

-[sighs] I don't know. I just feel like I'm lost. -[cell phone buzzes]

-Like I'm-- -Yeah. Mmm. Okay. Mmm. All right.

Just... Just give me two secs.

Who is that? Who are you talking to?

Oh, it's just this guy.

He keeps DMing me. It's nothing.

-[cell phone buzzes] -Oh. Oh!

Oh, hello!

Dick pic at 11:00 in the morning? [chuckles]

How am I supposed to respond? "Impressive"?

Mmm, you know what? Yeah, I'll write "impressive."

Okay, back to you.

You're in a crisis and I am here for you.

So, you wanna work at the mall.

-[cell phone buzzes] -Uh, mmm, hold on. [grunts]

[gasps] He wants to meet up.

Oh, my God. He wants to meet up and I'm on a mystery. Classic.

We sit around for days with no mysteries and my phone doesn't ring,

and then the second you get a nice hard [bleep] like this on your phone,

you're on a GD mystery.

Hmm, okay, so you were saying, Yung?

-Never mind. -Good, I wanna get back to this guy.

I don't get it. This is just a poached egg.

There's no butter taste at all.

-[crying] -No, no, I like it. I like it.

It's buttery and delicious. So buttery, so buttery.

I just miss Perry so much.

I can't have lost him.

I just can't bear it.

I mean, you understand.

You brought your bird with you. You love him so much.

That's how I was with Perry.

And Perry could talk.

Does your bird talk?

I've been talking this whole time, you old bag!

My Perry could make all sorts of sounds.

He could mimic anything.

The phone ringing, the faucet dripping,

and people's voices too! [inhales]

Oh, he would say things my late husband, Albert, used to say.

And it would sound exactly like him.

It was such a comfort to me after he passed.

At least I could still hear Albert's voice.

[crying] But now, I'll never hear it again.

Don't worry, ma'am, I'll find your bird.

You don't happen to have any butter, do you?

For these dry, tasteless eggs?

[Pigeon] I mean, this is madness!

The bird got out!

A bird, a flying bird!

It is gone!

No, not necessarily. You don't fly away.

That's because you're very well-trained.

But just to be sure, we should clip your wings.

Yung, you have my nail clippers?

I love Pigeon too much. I don't want him getting away.

I'd be like the old lady, just crying all day.

This is all just so stupid and pointless.

We've been wandering around for hours.

You know, I'm going to the mall. See if I can get that job.

What do you mean, Yung? You have a job.

You're the vice president of the Mike Tyson Mystery Team.

Wait, you told me I was the vice president.

Oh, that's right. Yung's the secretary because she's a girl.

Can I have the car keys, please?

You know what? Why don't we all just go with you.

We could use a break, and I could use a weiner on a stick.

Oh, yeah? You're sure you don't want one in the [bleep].

-[laughs] -[bleep] you.

And I do want one.

And I'm gonna get one, and it's this one.

Whoa! Impressive!

I got the job! They want me to start training right away.

-What's in there? -It's a new parrot.

We're gonna give it to that old lady and say it's her old parrot.

And by the time she notices, we'll have cashed the check.

Since when do we charge for mysteries?

Since I became treasurer of the Mike Tyson Mystery Team.

[breathing lightly]

Oh, damn, she died. Now we'll never get that check.

Michael, she's sleeping.

Let's just put this parrot in the cage.

[squawks]

Oh, for Christ's sake, the bird's right here.

[squawks and mimics Pigeon] Oh, for Christ's sake, the bird's right here.

Now the thing with the sweaters is you can't hang them,

they have to be folded.

Okay, I can do that.

This is basically all you'll be doing, all day long,

every day you're here.

Girls come in and they mess it up,

and you have to do it again.

And Tracy the manager is such a bitch,

that sometimes she'll mess them up

just to make you do it again.

There's literally no worse job than this.

And I heard about this guy, I think it's in Mexico,

and his job is to go down in the sewer,

in like an old timey deep sea diving outfit,

and he's just like, swimming in shit,

and sometimes he finds dead bodies.

But at least he doesn't work for [bleep] Tracy.

-[squawks] -Close the window, Marquess.

[squawks and mimics Mike] Close the window, Marquess.

Close the window, Marquess.

[squawks and mimics Albert] I love you, Miriam. I love you, Miriam.

Ah, that must be him doing her late husband, Albert's voice.

-That is so touching. -Where did you get that gun, Miriam?

Wait, why are you pointing it at me?

-I'm your husband! -Oh, damn.

I'm your husband.

Oh, you murdered me.

[groans] Why?

Why, Miriam, why?

[Miriam] For the insurance money.

[gun cocks]

Thanks for the ride.

Hey, turn around, will you? That's my dad's van.

What are they still doing here?

Pull that rug back.

Now open the cellar door.

Ooh, that's convenient.

Lots of rooms in the western United States don't have basements.

[Miriam] Now get down in there.

I'm gonna shoot you dead just like I did Albert.

-Dad? -[parrot squawks]

-Hey! -[gasps]

-[Miriam] Oh! Oh! -[Yung grunting]

Oh, damn, I was gonna return that.

[both grunting]

[thudding]

[gun fires]

[gasps]

Hey, Jennifer,

will you let Tracy know that I won't be at work tomorrow?

I forgot I already have a job.

I'm the secretary of the Mike Tyson Mystery Team!

[theme music playing]