Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

See, this is why you put in all that hard work during the week,

to get to the end of the week.

Or as I sometimes call it, the "weekend."

What do you guys call it?

I call it the weekend.

Shut up.

-No, Michael, I think everyone calls it the weekend. -I just said shut up.

Now, shut the [bleep] up.

You're ruining my weekend with all your jibber-jabber.

Weekdays are for jibber-jabber,

weekends are for... Wait, what are they for, Marquess?

Uh... Rest and relaxation?

Yeah, that's right. Rest and relaxation.

I love hearing you talk, Marquess. It relaxes me.

Put me in that weekend state of mind.

-Oopsie. Five-second rule. -[Pigeon] Hey, what the...

-[Pigeon screaming] -Cannonball!

[Pigeon screaming]

Let's go around the table and say our pits and peaks.

All right, Pigeon, let's start with you.

Well, let me see.

I would say the peak of my day was,

well, any moment before being burned alive.

And the pit of my day...

I'm not a negative person, so, these are always hard to think of,

but I'd say it's a tie between forgetting to record the opening round of the Masters

and being burned alive!

How about you, Yung?

-Pit and peak. -Sorry for interrupting,

but I have finished my dinner. May I please be excused?

Um, sure.

Can I offer anyone coffee?

Oh. I would love a cup.

I said "Can I" not "May I." Burn.

But can I please have a cup of coffee in the living room?

Hey, Deezy, you didn't wanna join us for dinner?

You said you didn't want me to join you for dinner.

Oh, that's right.

Hey, what you got on that computer?

Oh, I'm just checking out the Nevada State Treasurer's Office website.

You know, seeing if there's any unclaimed funds out there.

You know, any money that has gone missing in the mail or what have you.

Every dollar counts.

Hey, put my name in there too. Let's see if I have anything in those unclaimed funds.

Did you ever live at 17-4-9-7, East Tuckey Avenue?

-Oh, yeah. -Then you got $1,981 coming to you

from Western Savings and Loan.

Oh, damn!

See that, Mike? I get you that money.

Put it in Yung's name. Her missing money is my money.

How do you spell "Yung"? No MSG, right? [laughs]

Hey, is that a race joke because she's Asian?

What? I was just... I mean, I was just trying to connect, you know, on a human level.

I'm sorry. I just felt like I don't belong and nobody likes me.

So, I thought I'd be the funny guy.

Everybody likes the funny guy.

You gotta know your role, Deezy, Yung is the funny guy.

Yung, say something funny.

-What do you mean? -[laughs]

It's now what she says, it's how she say it.

Let's see if Marquess is in there.

Marquess, what's your last name?

Well, for starters, "Marquess" isn't my first name.

As I have said on numerous occasions,

my name is John Douglas.

My title is "Marquess of Queensberry."

And because "Marquess" sounds like "Marcus,"

and because you are all monstrously ignorant and lazy,

you call me "Marquess."

And because I don't give a shit anymore, I respond.

Nope, nothing in Nevada for John Douglas.

Well, uh, I lived in Scotland. Can you search there?

[Deezy] Mmm-hmm.

Okay, here's a John Douglas.

There's an unclaimed account in your name at the Royal Bank of Scotland.

Yes. [gasps] That was my bank!

I think I had a small savings there.

-Well, it's not small anymore. -What?

£3,420,000?

That's almost $5 million.

[laughs] I'm telling you, it's the way she says things.

Oh, my God. I'm rich.

I'm rich! Oh, I'm gonna buy so many things.

[gasps] First thing? Yep. First thing I'm gonna do is get a brand new wardrobe.

I mean, what is this old-timey [bleep]?

It's never gonna come back in style.

I look like I'm in a [bleep] Jane Austen novel. Oh, my God.

You know what else we're gonna get? A new [bleep] car.

I am sick of that shitty van.

We look like a gang of child molesters in that thing.

Okay, Deezy, how do I get my money?

Huh. Normally, you just put in your information and they send it to you,

but this says, if it's been unclaimed for more than ten years,

-you have to physically go in to the bank. -Oh!

Then I guess I know where this week's mystery takes place.

Scotland, bitches!

Oh, well... Uh... What about this mystery?

"Dear, Mike Tyson Mystery Team,

"the hospital where my wife is on life support

is threatening to pull the plug on Friday.

But I know she'll wake up. We just need more time.

Please come help. Her life is in your hands."

[laughs]

Hey, man, we gotta go get you on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, man.

You are just too funny.

[call button dings]

Okay, um, I'll go ahead and order another right now, just to save time. Thanks.

Oh, really? So, you're just gonna judge me the entire flight to Scotland?

I'm sure that woman will be fine.

There things always have a way of working themselves out.

And I'm sorry, but who are we to play God?

Okay, you know what? Judge away, just judge away.

I'm gonna get my buzz on.

I'm gonna watch My Best Friend's Wedding,

take a nap, and then watch Runaway Bride,

and you can sit there like Judge Judy with your can of Sprite

and your sourpuss and be miserable.

Because you know what, Yung? You're miserable.

And if money could buy happiness, I would give you my $5 million.

But it can't. That's on you, Yung.

That is on you.

Oh, my God! Is my screen not working?

[bleep]! Tittysucker!

Yung, can we switch seats?

[Pigeon] We should go on a Scotch-tasting while we're here.

Go to one of those old distilleries.

Well, I'm only 18.

I think that's old enough here.

You can get drunk and lose your virginity

to one of those red-bearded sweaty Scotsmen they got running around here.

Ew! No way. Gross.

Yung, now be honest.

You're a lesbian, aren't you?

It's none of your business.

Okay? And I don't believe in labels.

Well, I do, sister.

So what's your poison? The penis or the vagina?

Well, if anything, I identify as pan.

Wait, what?

Mike, did you know this? Did you know your daughter is pan?

Like a pan? Like a frying pan?

Like her face is like a frying pan?

Yeah, of course I know that.

When she was little I used to call her "Frying Pan Fran."

-You remember that, Yung? -Yeah.

Unreal.

They won't give me my money.

Wanna know why? Because I'm deceased.

No shit, Sherlock!

So, we came all this way for nothing?

That's why you should always call first.

They said they can release the money to a living heir.

Well, do you have a living heir?

Evidently.

Ian Douglas. I think he would be

my great-great-great-grandson, or maybe one more "great."

I don't know. I'm just so [bleep] mad.

I have an address. Get this, he lives in Glasgow.

He works in a factory,

a fish-processing factory. Jesus.

I am rolling over in my own grave.

Ian, it should be very straightforward. Just a quick trip to the bank,

and... I'm sorry, is there maybe a scented candle we can light?

Or a can of Febreze? Just a quick, quick, quick spritz?

[chuckles] So, you're telling me we're kin?

You're my great-great-great- great-great-grandfather?

And you want me to go with you and sign some papers in a bank,

and we are rich?

No, no, we're not rich,

I'm rich. Oh! Oh, my God!

Okay, okay. So, when do you get off work?

Hmm? Again, it's just a quick zip to the bank, zip in and zip out.

Well, it could be a while. I've got to process the rest of those...

Unless you wanna give me a hand?

You just take a fish, and first, you saw off the head.

And then you grab the spine and give it a yank.

Sometimes, you gotta use your teeth, you know, get the knob of the spine.

[grunts and spits]

Then you lay the carcass back for rendering.

[whirring]

Well, come on, then.

These fishes aren't gonna process themselves. [chuckles]

Honey, I'm home!

Fiona, come meet my great-great-great-great-great- great-grandfather.

[sighs] These are my babes.

Here you are, Fiona.

Hey, you can give her your fish heads, lads.

Man, where you want these fish heads, man?

In the trash or in the garbage?

Just give them all to Fiona here, she'll make a great fish head stew.

Fish heads in hot water,

a dinner fit for kings, eh? [laughs]

Angel, I have to go to the bank with these fine people

and help them get us millions of dollars.

And then I'll come home and eat a bite of stew,

and then get to the hospital for my night shift where I remove rectums from cadavers.

[gasps]

So the scientists who study these rectums can find a cure! [chuckles]

Now, let me go put on a tie.

We're going to a bank after all.

Show some respect to the financial institution.

He's such a good man.

Such a good husband and father.

And he works so hard.

Now, let's go get you your money, sir.

Marquess, these people need the money more than you.

-It's my money. -Not really.

He's your living heir. You can't even get it out of the bank without him.

Ugh! Fine!

Ian? Ian?

-[thunder rumbling] -Okay, Ian, listen.

You are my great-great- great-great-great-grandson.

And more importantly,

you are a great, great, great, great, great human being.

So, I'm gonna split the money with you.

You're gonna receive $2.5 million.

I don't know what to say.

-That's the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me. -Aw.

Oh. Oh! Even the rain smells in this godforsaken place.

-That's because it's piss. -Ugh!

[Ian] Alastair Flanagan, have you no shame?

Use a cludgie like the rest of us.

Oh. "Cludgie" means bathroom.

-[horns honking] -[Marquess] Ah, this traffic.

The bank closes at 5:00.

Wait. Why are we stopping?

Come on, lads.

[stammering] What is happening?

[Yung Hee] Where are we going?

[thunder rumbles]

[whistles]

[alarm blares]

Lads, this fine man,

John Douglas, the Marquess of Queensberry,

has gifted me half of his fortune.

And just as he's shared it with me,

I intend on sharing mine with all of you.

Our days of gutting fish are over.

We'll have more time to spend with our loved ones.

[all cheering]

[chuckles] All right, okay, that was very nice,

but we should really get going before the bank closes.

So, let's give three cheers for John Douglas,

the Marquess of Queensberry.

-Hip hip... -[all] Hurray!

-Okay. -Hip hip...

-[all] Hurray! -Yeah. We got it.

-Hip hip... -[all] Hurray!

Okay, that's three, let's go.

-Hip hip... -[all] Hurray!

-Hip hip... -[Marquess] Michael!

Jesus! Quiet! Back to work.

-Hip hip... -[all] Hurray!

Come on! Do you want your money or not?

[people gasping]

-[machine whirring] -[crunching]

Can I change my peak? This is the new peak of my day.

[theme music playing]

Damn, son, see if I got any financial funds laying around anywhere.

[man] Oh.

[keyboard clacking]

[man] Do you?

I have nothing.