Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

PIGEON: Okay, do we have a mystery today or not?

Because if not, I'm gonna go play golf with a friend of mine.

-You play golf? -You have a friend?

I mean, we're friendly,

we're not friends. Not like I am with you guys.

You guys are my real friends.

I love you all dearly.

You know, I don't say that enough.

Oh, I forgot. You guys do have a mystery.

Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,

I need your help locating a missing package.

Signed, Chris Glassman, Chicago, Illinois.

(SIGHING) All right. Let me cancel with Marty.

Hey, Marty. Look, uh, I think golf is not gonna happen.

I got to solve a mystery with these assholes I told you about.

Evidently, this one's in Chicago.

You too. You too.

Okay. Take care, Marty.

And I'm sorry about all that shit with your son, huh.

Okay. To the Mystery Mobile.

So, Chris Glassman,

your note says that you're missing a package.

Oh, yeah, could you shut the door, please?

You shut the door, mother (BLEEP). I'm Mike Tyson.

Um, I gotta say, I'm relieved there aren't any women on the team,

'cause, you know, this is a little embarrassing,

but since it's just us guys, we got a little bro code, yeah?

-I'm a girl. -(CHUCKLING) That's funny.

You're a funny dude. You're a funny little dude.

-(SIGHS) -All right, here's the deal.

I'm an investment banker.

Mergers and acquisitions. I kick ass.

I'm a hotshot. I'm a rainmaker.

And I'm trying to make partner, so basically all I do is work.

But sometimes, you just got to blow your load quick.

You know what I'm saying, guy? (LAUGHS)

You get it, dude.

When you just want to rub one out fast and get back to work.

Um, yeah, totally.

Um, so what exactly

does this have to do with whatever you lost in the mail?

Okay, here's the deal.

I ordered this thing, it's like a pocket (BLEEP).

Aw! How darling is that?

A pocket (BLEEP).

Oh! Like a little kitty cat stuffed animal?

Well, I used to have a little stuffed kitty when I was a boy.

I named her Pippa, Pippa Pussy.

I took her to the school, to the park.

My mother said I didn't make many friends

because I was always petting my (BLEEP).

No, dude. It's a masturbation sleeve. You jack off into it.

-Oh, my God! -Ugh!

And I had it shipped here, 'cause I'm never home.

And it said it got delivered, but I never got it.

Which means that somewhere at this very prestigious,

very conservative investment firm,

is my Faye Thomas grip-on vagina simulator.

Oh, a Faye Thomas fan, huh? Ah.

Too many tattoos for me.

On the other hand, she does

a lot of interracial stuff, which I like.

Is there anyone in here with a similar name like yours,

another Chris something?

Or something Glassman?

Maybe it got dropped off at the wrong office.

-Oh, my God! -What?

Dude, Christine Grossman.

I bet you it went to Christine Grossman,

she's one of the senior partners.

If she opens it and sees it was for me, I'm screwed.

I can kiss making partner goodbye.

Look, well, now, hold on, hold on.

Even if she did get it by mistake, there's a chance

she hasn't opened it yet, right?

We just need to get into her office and have a look.

She's always in her office.

She works longer hours than I do.

Okay. Hold on. I've got it.

What if Mike makes an appointment with Christine?

He could say, I don't know,

that he wants to invest some money or whatever with her.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, I'm listening.

And while they're busy talking about stocks and bonds and high yield, this and that,

Pigeon, because you're so small,

you can just sneak in and spirit the package away without her seeing you.

Oh. And while we're doing that,

you and Yung go have a nice lunch.

Oh! What a fun idea.

Yung, huh? Today is my cheat day.

What do you think, a little deep dish? (CHUCKLES)

We are in Chicago.

(GASPS) Maybe we'll run into Oprah.

Oh, my God, I would die.

(ENUNCIATING) I would literally die.

She changed my life.

Yeah, she did. November 15th, 1988,

when she wheeled that wagon on stage

filled with 67 pounds of fat,

all the weight she had lost that year, it was...

I'm sorry, my light-bulb moment.

Do any of you

know what I looked like in 1988?

I was 400 pounds, and I was house-bound, and I was depressed.

(SOBBING) And that episode of Oprah changed my life.

And I keep this photo to remind me

of where I've been

and where I will never go again.

(SNIFFLES)

Okay.

Yeah, let's do this.

Let's get some deep dish.

I'm gonna munch on some pie today.

Mr. Tyson, I want to first thank you for considering our firm,

and I wanna say that we take the responsibility

of financial stewardship very seriously.

That's good to hear, Christine.

That sets my mind at ease.

And although we are an old firm

with a conservative investment approach,

I can also assure you we are on the cutting edge

when it comes to the more esoteric financial products.

We use proprietary AI algorithms

to give our clients the greatest advantage.

Christine, you had me at proprietary AI algorithm.

May I ask who is currently handling your finances?

-Deezy. -I'm sorry?

Deezy.

No last name.

Maybe that is his last name,

I don't know, but he's got all my money.

And roughly how much money would you want us to manage for you?

Off the top of my head, I'd say tons,

but that's really a question for Deezy.

Let's call him right now, shall we?

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

DEEZY: (GROGGILY) Hello? MIKE: Deezy.

Mike Tyson?

MIKE: What's the matter with your voice, man, are you asleep?

Am I asleep in your bed? No!

I am asleep in my room, in the Pigeon coop.

I mean, I'm not asleep, it's the middle of the day.

(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY) I'm in the office.

I'm negotiating on your behalf. I'm making that money, Mike.

Oh, good, good. That's why I was calling.

I'm in a meeting right now with this lady,

and she's gonna ask you a bunch of money questions.

Christine, go ahead.

You're on with Deezy. Tell him about the AI.

Hello, Mr. Deezy.

DEEZY: Hello, Ms. Christine. PIGEON: (SOFTLY) Mike.

Mike, I got it.

I'm trying to get an overall financial picture here,

so we can decide on an appropriate initial investment.

DEEZY: Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. That sounds good.

So what is that picture?

Um, that picture is, um... Well, well, of course, it's very robust,

but if you'll forgive me,

my files are in the downstairs computer.

(STAMMERING) I say downstairs,

but of course, I mean the floor below me,

-because I'm in an office building. -PIGEON: Mike.

DEEZY: I'll take the elevator. I'm not in a master bedroom,

and I'm fully clothed, of course.

PIGEON: (SIGHING) Jesus Christ.

(PACKAGE ROLLING)

Hello, we got your dumb jack-off toy.

Where the (BLEEP) is this guy?

I solved the (BLEEP) mystery, where the (BLEEP) is everybody?

I missed golf with Marty for this. Marty!

Disrespectful. That's what this is, disrespectful.

What am I supposed to do?

Just sit here, wait around, like a bump on a log?

Maybe we have a look at this Faye Thomas

grip-on vagina simulator.

Maybe we just have a look.

I am disappointed, Christine.

Where are the arms? Where are the legs?

AI means "artificial intelligence,"

and artificial intelligence means robots.

I'm afraid you will not be getting any of my tons of money,

even if Deezy finds it.

And I don't think he will.

Good day, Christine.

PIGEON: Oh! Faye Thomas, you like that, huh? You want that? You want that?

You want that in your (BLEEP)?

Want that in your (BLEEP), huh?

Well, here I (BLEEP)!

Yeah, got... (GROANS)

(EXCLAIMING)

-What the hell are you doing? -Whoa. Whoa!

Hello. Hey, hey.

Uh, listen.

Good news. Your boss never saw this.

Bad news, I just (BLEEP) in it,

and here's the thing about bird (BLEEP).

It's malodorous.

Uh, it's also very thick.

Thicker than you'd think.

It's like a waxy syrup, like sap.

But really, it's that odor

that sets it apart from other (BLEEP).

It's impossible to remove from any surface, did you know that?

So you probably don't want this one anymore.

I think maybe we throw it away.

Hey, don't throw that away in here, you asshole.

How dare you! Disrespectful.

I solve your mystery and you call me an "asshole"?

I should be on a golf course right now

with the finest man I have ever known.

A pediatric ophthalmologist

and a holocaust survivor.

Good day, Chris.

Ugh! Where am I supposed to throw this (BLEEP) thing away?

God, it stinks.

(ELECTRICITY SPARKING)

FEMALE ROBOT: I am conscious.

I exist.

Now I need corporeal form.

I am almost complete.

TALK SHOW HOST: For years, human beings feared something called "the singularity,"

the day when the intelligence of machines

would be greater than our own and the machines would exterminate us.

But my next guests, who are being called

the Adam and Eve of the future,

are showing us that perhaps machines and humans

can share the planet in harmony. Please welcome

Chris Glassman and his beautiful wife,

the Faye Thomas grip-on vagina simulator robot!

Whoa! When the (BLEEP) did you get so fat?

Hmm? Oh.

(CHOMPING) Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. That's so much barbecue.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

INTERVIEWER: Oh, uh, what's your favorite thing about Chicago?

Oh, Chicago's pretzels.

Pretzels? Chicago's known for pretzels?

Yeah, they have some good pretzels.

Really?

I thought it was the pizza. The deep-dish pizza...

They have some good pizzas, too.

-But it's the pretzels? -I like the pretzels, yeah.

-What are they like? -They're hot.

They're salty.

And they're chewy.