Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

NARRATOR: Previously on Mike Tyson Mysteries...

Oh... (BLEEP)

Congratulations, Deezy,

you are now an official member of the Mike Tyson Mystery Team.

(STAMMERING) I didn't want to kill someone.

We all had to kill someone to join the team.

We're a special, secret government strike team.

Also known as the Mike Tyson Special Secret Government Strike Team.

(STAMMERING) I just... Can't have killed someone.

I took another person's life?

I can't live with that burden! (SCREAMS)

YUNG HEE: No! MARQUESS: Oh my God!

(DEEZY GROANING)

DEEZY: (EXHALES) What happened?

-Where am I? -You're in the hospital.

-You tried to kill yourself. -(PIGEON SCOFFS)

PIGEON: Kill himself?

He's holding a loaded gun,

and instead he jumped out of the window of a two-story house.

It was nothing but attention seeking.

He's got a broken foot.

Of course, they'll keep him overnight for "observation".

And who pays for that? John Q. Taxpayer, that's who.

This is why I voted for Trump!

I'm a Trump man! Always have been.

Give 'em hell, Trump.

(CHANTING) Drain that swamp!

Build that wall! Lock her up!

So what is this secret government strike team you got me on?

What do we do? Do you have to keep killing people? I can't!

You can't make me. Oh, God!

Oh, God! Oh, God, I killed someone!

Blood on my hands, Lord!

-Dad. -What?

-(DEEZY SOBBING) -You have to tell him.

Tell me what? That I'm off the team?

No, I just got on this team. I can kill.

Who do you want me to kill? I can kill anyone.

I'll kill that old man to prove it.

-Prove my loyalty. -Deezy, stop.

Michael, tell him! I will not be party to this any longer.

Okay, fine. Deezy, I have a confession to make.

There's no Mike Tyson Secret Government... Uh... What'd I call it?

Secret Government Strike Team.

Yeah, there's no such thing as that.

-I made it up. -What?

Yeah, here's the truth of it, Deezy.

You're a real shitty agent.

And I wanted to fire you for a long time.

But my problem is that I'm non-confrontational.

That was my problem in boxing, that's my problem in life.

So instead of just telling you I would no longer like you to be my agent,

-we decided... -Michael.

I decided to trick you into thinking,

that you are on a secret government team

and so instead of being my agent,

I would send you to like, um, Pakistan and just maybe, um...

Never hear from you again.

But what about that guy I shot and killed?

That dude that looked just like me?

You mean Terry, our pool man?

Terry, come on in.

Hi, everyone. Hi, Deezy.

Wait, I shot you.

I was wearing a bulletproof vest.

But, how do you look exactly like me?

Is that some kind of a mask?

No. I really did have total facial reconstructive surgery.

I've undergone over a thousand skin grafts.

I'd do anything for the champ.

And in return he promised me

that I'd be made a member of the Mike Tyson Secret Government Strike Team.

I leave for Pakistan first thing in the morning.

-Bon voyage, Terry. -Good day, everyone.

He never got the chlorine level right in the pool,

but I didn't have the heart to let him go.

That's my problem.

Okay, team, time to fly.

That's my new catchphrase when we're going somewhere.

"Time to fly."

Deezy, why don't you see about copyrighting that (BLEEP).

So wait, what does that mean, Mike? Am I still your agent?

[MIKE'S THOUGHTS] Say no, just say no. Say, "Deezy, you're

fired." Of course, you're still my agent.

Mother... (BLEEP)

And can I still stay at your house?

MIKE: No way, Jose.

My casa es su casa, Jose.

Oh, no, what is my problem?

Hmm... Does that taste good, Pigeon?

Oh, does this bird seed taste good?

-Is that your question, Marquess? -MARQUESS: Okay.

-Does this bird seed taste good? -Mmm-hmm.

No, it doesn't taste good, you witless gadfly.

I want to eat what you're eating, but I can't because it gives me diarrhea.

This is the only thing that doesn't give me diarrhea.

My asshole is so raw,

it's just red and raw from all the (BLEEP) damn diarrhea.

Okay, that... That's not really breakfast talk.

Oh! Should we talk about my piss?

How it's dark, almost orange.

Because I'm so dehydrated

on account of how much diarrhea I have,

while I'm not eating bird seed.

This delicious bird seed. Go (BLEEP) yourself!

Why do you engage with him?

Learn your lesson, Marquess.

It's better to let someone walk away from you than walk all over you.

When people treat you like they don't care, believe them.

One of the most courageous decisions you'll ever make

is to finally let go of what is hurting your heart.

My God! Are you still talking?

Ah, to hell with it. Give me a bite of that.

Ooh, that is good. (EXCLAIMS)

It's gonna burn coming out,

but you can't say it's not good going in. (LAUGHING)

Real nice hot cakes, Mike.

Thank you for saying so, Pigeon.

At least someone in this house has manners.

Morning, Deezy. You sleep well?

You're covered in bird (BLEEP), so probably not.

Just feeling blessed to have a roof over my head, Mike.

Got a mystery here for you guys.

Thanks, Deezy. Here, Yung, why don't you read it?

You haven't spoken in quite some time.

Oh, hmm, all right.

"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team..."

No, it's too boring when you read it.

Marquess, you read it. You have that flamboyant style.

Uh... Thank you?

"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team..."

Hmm... Maybe it's Pigeon that's the flamboyant one.

You read it, Pigeon.

"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team..."

Damn, maybe I'm the flamboyant one.

"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,

no one believes me, but my husband was abducted by aliens, please help.

Megan Von Breyer."

Yeah, I'm the flamboyant one.

All right, team, time to fly.

Hey, Deezy, what's the status on that "Time to Fly"?

You get that shit copyrighted?

We should be making a lot of money off that shit.

I'm one step ahead of you and two steps back, Mike.

Ordered 10,000 ball caps with "Time to Fly" on the front.

We have a website up and running,

and we're already being sued by United Airlines.

No, Southwest.

-No, American Airlines. -(ENGINE STARTS)

Oh, maybe it was Air France.

-It's some airline, I gotta check my notes. -(VEHICLE DEPARTING)

I think I left them in the coop.

Can I help you?

Oh, hello, we're the Mike Tyson Mystery Team.

-We got your note about the aliens. -Huh!

That little bitch. Abducted by aliens?

-She murdered my father. -Oh!

-So you're not Megan Von Breyer? -No.

I'm Emily Von Breyer.

Carlton Von Breyer's daughter.

And I was just asked to leave

by the grieving widow. (EXCLAIMS)

Oh, sorry about that.

I had pancakes for breakfast. (LAUGHING SHEEPISHLY)

YUNG HEE: Ugh, gross.

She just married him for his money.

Now, now, Yung, you don't know that.

Why, perhaps he was a world-class cunnilingust.

A magnificent (BLEEP) eater.

A proper (BLEEP) muncher.

-MARQUESS: Just stop. -Oh, there she is, outside.

-Surprise! -(GASPS) Ah!

-Oh! -Sorry, I sometimes shout, "Surprise!"

-when I really mean to whisper, "Hello." -(GASPING)

You should have let me fall.

My life is already over.

Everyone thinks I murdered Carlton.

Why? Because he was 84 and I'm 23.

Because he had just changed his will so that I would be the sole beneficiary.

-Uh, yeah. -It was his anniversary gift to me.

He told me right here, right before I gave him his gift.

A shove off the cliff?

You're just like the rest of 'em.

No, I got him a great gift.

I got him a star.

-What? -Online, you can name a star after someone.

And you get a little certificate

that tells you exactly where the star is.

The Carlton Star.

It's up there... Somewhere.

(CRYING)

-And so is he. -Oh, my God.

That is a great gift. You know what else is a great gift?

A lottery ticket.

It seems like something, but it's really nothing. And it's cheap.

So, after you gave him this "star",

is that when the aliens

conveniently showed up to take him off your hands?

If I pushed Carlton off this cliff,

how come the police didn't find a body?

Because there is no body.

Because aliens took him. They took him into space.

Please, you're my only hope to clear my name.

Find Carlton. Bring him back to me.

Okay, seems pretty clear what we have to do.

Simply go to space, simply find these aliens,

simply negotiate with them

over the release of Carlton and simply return to Earth.

We may need to get a heat shield.

I think when you return to Earth you need a heat shield

or you burn up in the atmosphere.

But the rest is pretty straightforward.

Dad, it's obvious she murdered him.

Yeah, that's what I was thinking, too.

And now we don't need that heat shield. Good job, Yung.

There has to be some evidence down there that the police missed.

Ooh, Yung is on a roll.

You didn't talk much at the beginning, but now, boy, you're talking a lot.

Go Yung!

Marquess, Pigeon, what are you guys doing, huh?

You're only good as your last line of the dialogue.

(STAMMERS) Well, how on Earth would we get down there?

MIKE: Ooh, Marquess, getting it in there.

Come on, Pigeon, what do you got to say?

-(MARQUESS SCREAMING) -Whoa!

Pigeon with the unexpected physical move.

Now we're working like a team.

Ah! Pigeon, you asshole!

I thought you could fly.

-Aren't you an angel? -MARQUESS: (YELLING) I'm a ghost!

But, isn't your catchphrase, "Time to fly"?

MARQUESS: That is Michael's catchphrase!

PIGEON: Oh, you know what,

I think you're right.

(GASPS) Oh, my!

His wheelchair! Look!

It's Carlton's wheelchair!

So she did push him off the cliff.

And now we have our evidence.

We also have something for me to use on long walks,

just in case my legs get tired.

I didn't do it! I swear!

The wheelchair fell into the ocean when the aliens beamed him up.

I'm actually glad she's as young as she is.

It'll be more time that she gets to rot in prison.

What are your intentions with our star which you claim is your own?

I have no intentions. It was just a gift from my wife Megan.

It was meant to be romantic.

She's the most loving, kindhearted woman I've ever known.

So you have no plans on enforcing this document and enslaving us?

Of course not. I just want to go home to my wife.

Then we shall release you.

CARLTON: Oh! (SCREAMING)

-Hmm... -We forgot to give him a heat shield.

Time to fly.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)