Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

MAN: (ON TV) And the question here is,

what will the Iowa State Cyclones do

here on third down.

They've been sputtering a little bit.

MIKE: Whoa, Marquess! My Cal Bears are all over

your Iowa State Cyclones, man.

Huh, what's that?

Your Iowa State Cyclones are going down, baby.

My what?

Your Cyclones.

They're going down.

♪ Your Cyclones are going down

♪ Your Cyclones are going down

-♪ Your Cyclones are going down... -Okay, um...

I don' know what you're talking about, I don't...

Ugh. Is this a sport?

In your face, Marquess!

In your face!

Michael, it's a little early for a crotch chop.

Golden Bears! Golden Bears! Golden Bears!

Michael, what are you doing?

I am trash-talking you, Marquess.

Bear Nation, Bear Pride!

Don't worry how much you get high.

What does that even mean?

We were hibernating, but now we are awake!

(GROWLS) Us bears are in the rivers,

eating all the salmon,

but the salmons aren't salmon.

They're the Iowa State Cyclone salmon!

Hey, weren't you rooting for Iowa State, like, 10 minutes ago?

I was, but they're losing.

So, now I'm a Cal Bear guy.

Fair weather fan, always have been.

Life's too short to root for a loser.

MAN: (ON TV) And he explodes through the hole!

No one's going to catch him, touchdown, Iowa State!

Cyclones baby, we're the Iowa State Cyclones.

Give me a "I," give me a "O," give me a "State."

Cyclones!

-MAN 1 (ON TV): Ooh, flag on the field. -MAN 2: Yeah,

I think this one's coming back.

I think it's holding on Iowa State.

That's on the left tackle, senior Ken Ewadatatupu.

MAN 1: That is...

Oh, man, holding.

Cal Bears baby, Cal Bears, there we go baby, in your face!

Okay, well...

It's five o'clock somewhere.

YUNG HEE: Hey, everyone, we have a new mystery.

Oh, ooh, let's go.

Oh, you... You want me to pause the game?

Nah, I don't care about college football.

If any of them was that good, they'd be in the pros.

MAN 2: (ON TV) ...got hair coming out of the back of his helmet.

What the (BLEEP) is that?

It's a Bermuda rock slide.

It's basically a Mexican rock slide, but instead of tequila,

you sub rum.

Why do...

-You want me to make you one? -Sure.

(SCOFFS)

What? You offered.

Yeah, well, I know. I was just being polite.

So, you're not going to make me a drink,

even though you asked me if you could make me a drink?

Well, they take a long time, I have to muddle hibiscus.

So, get muddling!

What, I...

(SLURPING)

-Asshole. -(CHUCKLES)

Read the mystery, honey.

It says, "Yard Sale."

(READING)

I don't get it. What's the mystery?

I don't think it's a mystery.

It's a straight up advertisement.

And it worked, it got my attention.

Let's go, let's go buy some shit.

To the mystery mobile.

(HUMMING)

-(CAR HONKING) -Oh, for God's sake, give me a mother (BLEEP) second.

(GASPS) Ah, ah!

(CHUCKLES)

(HUMMING)

(CAR HONKING)

Son of a...

Hold your GD horses, you bunch of (BLEEP) assholes.

(HUMMING A TUNE)

Ah, no, I'll get the door too.

I mean, Pigeon, I'm sorry, but you could've actually waited

to take the drink yourself.

It's very full, so here.

-You got it? -I got it.

Oh! (GASPS)

Oh, I thought you had it.

(SIGHS)

Seatbelt, Marquess.

I got it, Michael.

-MARQUESS: I know how to put that on! -(ENGINE STARTING)

Well, I'm just so pleased

these things will find a new home.

My husband would've wanted it that way.

Oh, did he pass away? I'm so sorry.

Thank you.

Victor was the love of my life.

We were soulmates.

Married for 43 years.

Hey, how much for that stationary bike?

Uh, does $50 sound fair?

-I'll give you $20. -Michael.

How much for the desk?

Oh, that was Victor's desk.

-I didn't ask that. -Dad!

It's okay, Yung. It's all part of the haggle.

-They like it. -Uh, $40?

No way, Jose. $30.

But then you've got to throw in the silverware.

This was my grandmother's silverware.

Hey, let me ask you something.

Did anyone ever put these forks

-up their butt or buttholes? -Oh!

Excuse me?

I know it's an uncomfortable question, ma'am,

but I'll kick myself if I didn't ask.

I can't imagine anyone doing anything like that.

I'll tell you what, throw in the necklace

and we'll call it even.

Oh, this isn't for sale. I couldn't part with this.

Hmm. Then just give me that VCR.

So, we're just going to leave the desk here?

Yeah, now we have a reception area.

And when people come over, we'll be like,

"Can I help you?" And they'll be like,

"Hey, I'm here to see the Mike Tyson Mystery Team."

And we'll be like, "It'll just be a moment."

Why don't you just take a seat on this stationary bike

while you're waiting.

And they'll be like, "Do you validate for parking?"

And we'll be like, "Yes, we do let me stamp your ticket."

Now, where's my stamp?

What the (BLEEP) is this?

Well, it's a bunch of old letters.

(GASPS)

They're love letters to Victor.

Oh, that's that woman's husband who died.

He must've saved all the love letters

his wife ever wrote him.

That poor woman would want these.

-We should take them back. -PIGEON: "My dearest Victor..."

"As the leaves begin to fall, my heart aches"

"longing for your embrace," blah, blah, blah.

Never mentions her (BLEEP). I don't want these.

To the mystery mobile!

Does anybody need me to validate their parking

before they go?

We know how much you miss your husband,

and though we can't bring him back, we have something for you

that we hope, at the very least, will bring you comfort.

Victor must've loved you a great deal.

He saved all these love letters you wrote him.

I didn't write this.

I didn't write any of these.

Who's Cathy?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Victor, you son of a bitch!

How could you?

You were having an affair with this whore?

My whole life has been a lie.

(SOBBING)

My heart hurts.

(GASPING)

Are you okay?

My heart!

-(WHISPERS) Oh, dear God. -My heart!

YUNG HEE: Oh, no.

-Is she... -Mmm.

-We should... -Take her necklace.

No! Call someone.

All right.

-(PHONE DIALING) -Wait a second. This one's unopened.

And it's from Victor to Cathy.

-He never mailed it. -Well, open it.

Maybe he talks about Cathy's (BLEEP).

Pigeon, no! We are not going to open it.

We need to find this Cathy and give it to her. Maybe...

Maybe then there can be some kind of closure

to this awful situation.

Yeah, uh-huh. Uh-huh. I hear you.

Is that the police?

No, it's Deezy. He wants to know if I want to be

a presenter at the Hip Hop Awards.

(BLEEP) yeah, I do!

As long as my Iowa State Cyclones

aren't playing that day.

I really think they'll go all the way this year,

I really do. Maybe not.

Can I help you?

Hello, we're looking for a Cathy Walker.

Does she still live here?

No. I've never heard of anyone named Cathy Walker.

Allan, I'll take care of this. You go back to the party.

Yes, Mother.

You're looking for Cathy Walker?

I haven't heard that name in almost 30 years.

Do you know her?

Oh, little boy,

I was her. Come inside.

Oh, whose birthday is it?

Why would you ask that?

You don't know any of these (BLEEP) people.

Who gives a shit whose birthday it is?

Actually, it's my birthday.

We're about to have cake.

Well, congratu (BLEEP) lations.

So, what did you mean when you said you were Cathy Walker?

I was a spy for the Soviet Union.

My real name is Katia Petrova.

I spent the Cold War living here

under cover as an American.

But I grew to love this country and I stopped

passing information to the KGB.

How did you find me?

We found this.

Victor.

He was my contact.

We communicated only by mail.

Love letters that contained secret coded information.

Did he ask you to give this to me?

I'm afraid Victor passed away.

We found this in his desk.

(READING) "Katia.

"I had hoped never to have to send you this letter.

"So, if you're reading this, it means we are compromised.

"There must be no loose ends, I'm sorry.

"The ink in this letter is a poison

"that has already penetrated your skin.

"I wish it could be painless, but it will be anything but.

"Dasvidanya comrade." (GASPS)

♪ Happy birthday to you.

♪ Happy birthday to you.

♪ Happy birthday dear Nana

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Happy birthday, Mother.

(GASPS)

(GROANS)

(GURGLING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING)

(ON MICROPHONE) And the award to best female hip-hop artists goes to...

Oh, yeah, my girl, the Iowa State Cyclone!

(END THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

For today's episode we didn't think

we could use Happy Birthday for, you know,

legal reasons, so we had a backup plan.

Listen to this.

Yay, yay, yay It's your birthday

Hey, hey, hey, it's your day

It's not Monday It's not Tuesday It's not Wednesday

♪ It's not Thursday It's not Friday

♪ It's not Saturday It's not Thursday

♪ It's your birthday ♪

I (BLEEP) the days up.

-(LAUGHING) -(CREW LAUGHING)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)