Original subtitles

'No pieces of the body have been found,

'and the authorities say, "Sea monsters aren't real."'

Ahoy! And salutations!

My name is Captain Seafield.

'The authorities say, "Sea monsters aren't real.

'"Or for that matter, lake monsters."'

One month ago,

me and a fellow ship captain of mine

ventured out on a morning fishing trip

upon the great tides of Lake Michigan.

As we cast our lines, suddenly from out of nowhere,

a Hellish sea monster crept up from the shallow depths,

boarded our vessel,

and killed my associate.

It then dragged him underwater

and vanished into the murky abyss.

The victim here was my father.

'The authorities say, "Sea monsters aren't real.

'"Or for that matter, lake monsters."'

And so, I have hired a group of specialists

to help me locate the beast and murder it.

'Sean Shaughnessy, weapons expert.

'Nedge Pepsi, sonar individual.'

'And Dick Flynn,

'former officer at the Nautical Athletes Adventure Yunit.

'Sometimes referred to as the "N.A.V.Y."'

And there it is!

The team of the century!

- Sean Shaughnessy. - How big is this monster?

Excellent question.

This is a lion.

This is a tiger.

It's as big as a lion.

What does it look like?

Monstrous.

Right?

Do we have a boat?

It's pronounced "pontoon".

But we shan't be needing it for anything other

than general seafaring

as our hunt will be boat-less,

for, you see, our monster resides...

- ...here. - Is that...?

- Lake Michigan. - We know it's Lake Michigan.

It's the name of the movie.

Yes, but more precisely it lives here,

off the shore of my lighthouse island.

I tell you, we weren't one fathom in the water

when the beast slew my father.

Wait, I thought you said he was thrown overboard

on a fishing trip.

Well, he was, by the beast.

And that is precisely why we must find and kill

the Lake Michigan Monster!

Right. But you said you weren't one fathom out on the lake

before the monster struck?

- Well, we weren't. - One fathom?

You were one fathom off the shore for a fishing trip?

- Yes! - You know how long a fathom is?

It's six feet.

Bah!

F.A.T.H.O.M.: Facultative Aquatic Taffrail

Haliographic Opinion Measurement.

I'm not sure that's right.

What did you take the boat out and instantaneously run aground?

- Then cast your fishing lines? - What else is in that podium?

Well, maybe that's precisely what happened!

Now why the hell is that so hard to grasp? Oh, God...

Hey, what's going on here? Seafield!

For the love of God, stop using my classroom!

Expelled means expelled!

Lake Michigan... this is where it all happens.

Here's the deal.

This is the beach. There's the water.

Here we are right now.

Nedge has set up the sonar station over there.

When Nedge flips the switch, Sean Shaughnessy will give Dick

his monster-killing weapon of choice.

Then, Dick, you're going to walk ten paces to the kayak, get in,

row yourself out to sea, dive in, and begin your search.

Back on land, Sean Shaughnessy will be lookout,

while Nedge and I watch for any blips on the Sonar 2000.

It shall be known as: Operation Annihilation!

One. Two. Three.

Four. Five. Six.

Seven. Eight...

Nine.

Uh, ten!

He's in.

Has he found anything?

Negative.

Go give him a hand, Sean Shaughnessy.

Right.

That's my weapons expert.

So, Seafield, what's it like being a ship captain?

- Seafield. - What?

How do you like being a ship captain?

I'm not a ship captain.

What? I thought that was kind of your thing.

- I hope Dick's okay. - Did you get it?

Nope. False alarm.

You almost shot me!

There's nothing down there, Seafield.

Damn. Well, you all tried your best.

Let's regroup at my place and drink bourbon.

Nedge, go wake up Sean Shaughnessy.

You know, I really thought that plan would work.

Oh, well, a marginal setback.

What's our next plan of attack?

Ha-ha! Attack.

Spoken like a true weapons expert.

That's why I got you, Sean Shaughnessy.

Violence is always on your mind.

Much like that of the creature's.

With a gun or a knife we must end this monster's life.

So what's our next plan of attack?

- Who wants fish sticks? - Oh, here we go!

Martha, you spoil us!

Now, now, even the Team of the Century

has to eat once in a while.

- Thank you. - She's right, you know.

Food gives us energy, and energy is what, Sean Shaughnessy?

Uh, energy is...

- A good thing! - Energy is a good thing, idiot.

Martha, did you happen to bring the ketchup?

Did I happen to bring ketchup?

Martha! She knows me too well.

Okay, now you all enjoy. Plates and napkins are here in the bar.

Thank you, thank you.

And don't forget, tomorrow you've got that field trip.

- Alright. Alright, Martha. - Thank you.

Martha.

My wife.

Ah, very nice.

- Nedge? - Oh, yeah?

- Come on. - What?

Let's hear it.

- Ah... - Uh...

Oh! Uh...

- To the Team of the Century! - Ah, very nice.

Not bad.

- Oh! - Urgh!

Shit, that's bad!

- Urgh! No one else try that! - No one would do that.

Urgh! I need ketchup!

So, here's the new deal.

This is the beach again. There's the water again.

Here we are right now again.

Nedge has set up the sonar station over there again.

When Nedge flips the switch again,

Sean Shaughnessy will give Dick

his monster-killing weapon of choice again.

Then, you'll walk ten paces to the kayak, get in again,

row yourself out to the sea again, dive in again,

and begin your search again.

Back on land, Sean Shaughnessy will be lookout again,

while Nedge and I watch for any blips on the Sonar 2000 again.

Except this time, it shall be known as: Operation Nauty Lady.

- Why, though? - Why what?

I mean, I like the name and everything,

I think it's really clever.

But what does it have to do with anything?

Whoa, hey! Where are my clothes?

You must be naked for the nauty lady!

What the hell does that mean?

Last night I finished my fish sticks and I got to thinking.

What if this monster is a lady?

Well, then, naturally she'd be attracted

to a naked swimming man.

- Naturally. - I didn't sign up for this!

- Where are my clothes? - Oh, and by the way...

...I forgot to hand out these last night.

Your payment for all your hard work.

Nedge Pepsi.

Sean Shaughnessy.

And... Mr. Dick Flynn.

You know what, Seafield?

I actually think this is a really good plan.

- Right? - The monster will see me naked.

- It'll wanna get on top of me! - I think so, too.

That's when I'll stab it in its neck.

That's the spirit, Dick!

Now, everyone in position!

Let's not shoot at me this time.

I take my orders from the Captain.

Now I know why they call him Dick.

Why?

Because... he has a penis.

Seven.

Eight.

Nine. Ten.

- So brave. - Mm-hmm...

He's in.

- Would you date him? - Uh...

I don't really date teammates.

I don't date at all because I'm a married man.

It's one of those things you can't be doing

once you're married.

Of course, I can still remember me and Martha's first date...

- Keep an eye on the sonar. - Haunted beer garden.

I got something!

As do we, old chap! Good job, Nedge!

Wow, this thing's actually pretty big.

Monster's aren't small, Nedge.

Except for centipedes.

Except for centipedes. This is true.

Although small, they are quite monstrous, nevertheless.

- All those legs. - All those legs are right.

It's encircling Dick!

Sean Shaughnessy, prepare to lock and load!

Right!

Alright, Sean Shaughnessy, get in there and...

Not seeing anything, Seafield.

Dick!

Dick!

Alright, Sean Shaughnessy, get in there!

Kill the monster! Kill it!

Damn it, Sean Shaughnessy!

Alright, Nedge, you're up!

I don't know, I'm really more of a sonar individual.

Dick! Dick! Thank Poseidon you're alright. He lives!

- Where are my clothes? - Nedge?

So, did you kill it?

Did I kill it? No!

Then how are you possibly still alive?

I dunno. One minute he had me all wrapped up,

then the next he was gone.

Dear God!

- Did you get a good look at it? - No. Felt slimy.

- You owe me a family heirloom. - Yes, I do.

I'll give you the money.

Thank you, Seafield.

Hey, guys, sorry!

Sorry, my friend's terrible at volleyball.

Get out of here, Girlie!

I didn't believe him.

None of us did.

Hmm... A sea monster? Ridiculous.

But he was right. That eccentric bastard was right.

- Wow. - That big? Wow.

So this huge monster has you in its grasp

and then it just lets you go.

- Not a scratch. - I wonder why.

- Terrifying nevertheless. - Ah...

By the way, Seafield, not a real sea captain.

- Wait, seriously? - No, I am not!

There, happy, Nedge? I'm docking your pay.

- Where did you come from? - Phoenix.

Uh... no, just now.

Trapdoor. It's my house, Nedge.

This is some really good bourbon.

Isn't it? Ashcroft brought me back a barrel from Glasgow.

- Scotland? - Kentucky.

It's bourbon, after all.

- Not... a moor. - Who's Ashcroft?

I be Ashcroft!

I know. Tell them.

I be Ashcroft!

So, you're searching for the old man, eh?

That's right, and this is my band of rowdy cutthroats,

Dick, Nedge, and Sean Shaughnessy.

Well, I suppose you could've done worse.

You have a fine taste in whiskey, sir!

It's ruined me life!

- What are we painting here? - It's a freaking landscape.

Oh, yeah. I can see it.

So, how have you been hunting this monster?

Come aboard!

Blades.

Guns.

- Sonar 2000. - Sonar?

Too good for the old ways, eh?

Ashcroft, you know I don't have intuition.

He knows that.

You don't use sonar of any kind?

Don't even know what it is, to tell you the truth.

Wait. You don't use... How old are you?

Thirty.

After I graduated high school in 2005,

I went into the longshoreman business to join my father.

On my first day out, he said, "Son! Sonar is for pussies!"

- And that was the end of it. - He never said that.

- That was the end of it! - He never said that.

Okay, fine. He never said that.

Anyways, the point is,

if you're going to catch that monster,

you're going to have to go at night.

- Why at night? - Monsters come out at night!

- Ah, yes. - And you'll need one of these!

Hook your bait with this hook

and your monster is as good as hooked.

I know I'm hooked.

- Me, too. - Me, three.

Gimme that!

♪ And that's when I said goodbye... ♪

- Yow! - Oh, mercy!

- Yow! - Wonderful!

- Whoo-hoo! - Oh, wow.

Absolutely terrific.

- Dick, you're a real talent. - Ah... I know.

- Are you in a band? - Use to be.

Was the leader of the Navy concert band.

Like the director?

The commanding officer. So, yeah, the music director.

Youngest in history, in fact.

That's quite impressive, Dick. I had no idea.

It was a lot of fun. Traveling the world, doing a lot of shows.

Did some NFL games, saw the Pyramids in Egypt.

- That's awesome. - Yeah.

- What made you stop? - Oh, I was discharged.

Oh... okay.

Yeah...

Honorably, no doubt.

Uh...

No, not honorably.

You see, I had lots of... sexual misconduct

with the woodwind and percussion sections.

I also shot the timpani player

in a very strange sequence of events.

- So, dishonorable. - Look, guy's a character.

Battle stations!

Wait for it...

Now!

- 1, 2, 3! - Heave!

- 1, 2, 3! - Heave!

- 1, 2, 3! - Heave!

Here it comes!

Sean Shaughnessy!

Sean Shaughnessy!

Your time is up, monster!

What...?

Huh...

Hmm...

It's blank.

Oh. Yes, of course.

"Be seeing you...

"...in your... dreams."

Sean Shaughnessy!

Does he not have his eyebrow make-up on?

Sean Shaughnessy!

- I got it! - Is that an egg?

I got the egg!

Sean Shaughnessy! I got it! I got it!

I got the egg! Hee-hee!

Now! Shoot it, Sean Shaughnessy! Shoot the egg!

Is that the monster's egg?

Yes. I saw some stuff while I was sleeping.

- Like a dream. - That's the one.

Where's your eyebrow make-up?

I don't know what you're talking about!

Oh, no, you don't!

Kill it! Kill it, Sean Shaughnessy!

Just like its mama killed my daddy!

Jesus!

Chug, chug, chug, chug...

Beer!

Hurray!

But did we have to kill its baby?

Blood for blood, Nedge.

It kills my father, we shoot its egg.

- Remind you of anything? - Hmm... no.

- Iwo Jima. - How?

Ooh, the candy shop!

- So... Nedge. - Yes?

- What is your full name? - Nedge Pepsi.

No. No, I mean like what is Nedge short for?

Nedgecraft.

"Nedgecraft"?

- It's Polish. - No, it's not.

Your full name is "Nedgecraft Pepsi"?

Junior.

Damn candy store is closed! Bunch of pedophiles!

Whoa! Hey, uh... So what's our next plan, boss?

Ah! The man knows a question but not the answer.

That's why I asked.

Beach, water, sonar station.

Dick will carry the egg carcass...

Fully clothed.

Fine. But not your clothes.

Everyone switch clothes.

In order to draw the sea hag out,

Dick will toss the eggshells one fathom into the sea.

The scent will be intoxicating.

The monster maiden won't be able to resist.

- She must be worried sick. - Nedge let's hear it.

Hear what?

The name of the operation, of course.

Your last one was so clever.

How about Operation Eggsecution?

Ah!

No, no, wait, that's terrible. But listen to this...

Operation "Eggscuse me, time to die!"

And be sure to say that when you shoot it in the brain.

What is he doing?

I don't know.

Dick, I don't pay you to flirt with inanimate objects!

I got a guy for that. Name's Howard.

- Eagle's landed. - Ah! Excellent!

Now to play my favorite game in the whole wide world.

- Ah, the waiting game. - Checkers!

Is everything alright?

Dick?

So that's why you brought that along.

Yes.

Why else would I bring checkers along if not to play checkers?

I think the eggshells were just talking to me.

They were talking to you?

They were communicating.

Like we had some sort of strange connection.

What possible reason could there be

for bringing a game such as this to the beach

without the intent to play it amongst friends?

I don't know.

I'm docking your pay.

Seafield, it's here.

Where? Off the starboard?

No, it's headed toward the egg!

Ah! Alright, Sean Shaughnessy. Time to make your country proud.

It's closing in!

Bingo!

- This one's for you, daddy! - Daddy?

Aargh!

Sean!

Sean Shaughnessy was a better man than most of our team.

I'll never forget the day I recruited him... Tuesday.

He was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed,

and ready to get to work.

He said, "Seafield, I am your sword, I am your shield,

"I am your weapons expert."

Sean said that?

He did.

That was only the second time anyone had ever said that to me.

Well, I'll always remember how brave he was.

Whether charging into the lake to fight the monster

or discharging a firearm on a public beach,

Sean didn't care, he was brave.

I don't have any fond memories of Sean.

Mostly because I'm pretty sure

he shot and killed my unborn child.

You know, I had a sneaking suspicion.

Wait, what?

- That egg was mine, wasn't it? - Well... not yours.

It's the monster's egg, Dick. But yes! You made it happen.

I had a dream regarding it.

Oh, what? Are you upset?

It was a monster baby!

You should've at least told me

before you let Sean shoot the shit out of it!

What does it even matter?

Were you really going to raise a grotesque hell spawn?

- In this economy? - I'm confused.

It wasn't your call to make, Seafield!

Oh, I'm sorry! Please forgive me!

You're right!

Ooh! We should've constructed a large nest for it.

Have Papa Dick nurture the egg day and night

for several weeks under his loins,

until one day the egg decides to hatch

and bite our fucking heads off!

- I would make a great dad! - Wait, that's it...

It must've happened during Operation Nauty Lady

when Dick was naked.

The monster seized him, pulled him underwater,

and somehow extracted his...

Yes, very good, Nedge. We don't have to go into graphic detail,

you sick weirdo.

I'm done with you, Seafield.

Your father, he can burn in hell!

Oh, why don't you go shoot a timpani player,

you big treasonous seaman?

Hey! What are you doing here?

You can't be digging in a cemetery!

That's vandalism!

Seafield, you're vandals and felons! I'm calling the cops!

- Let's go, outta here. - Get back here!

'Uh, mission failed.

'Failed. Failed. Failed!'

Oh, God! Why is this so hard?

What really happened that day, Seafield?

What day? There are many days.

The day your father disappeared.

I already told you what happened.

Look, I know you pay us a lot,

and it's not really my place to ask,

but... come on.

What?

You took your boat from the dock, immediately ran aground,

decided to start fishing,

and then the monster attacked your father and took him away.

Took him away and killed him!

You told us your father was a seasoned ship captain.

This sounds like the work of a small child

or someone who's a drunk.

Well, he was, Nedge! And he'd been drinking all morning.

I wasn't much more fair for ware

because you see I, too, am a drunk. As is Ashcroft.

And no, my father was not a seasoned ship captain.

I never said this, you assumed this.

Just as you assumed I was a ship captain.

As you probably assumed Ashcroft is, too.

It's hard not to assume your father was a ship captain

when you told us your father was a ship captain.

- Oh, I never said such a thing! - Yes, you did!

At the beginning of all of this.

A-ha... A-ha!

Well, that must've just been one of my little lying fits.

I do that an awful lot to make up for the fact

that I don't actually have a lot going for me.

No, what about your house here? You have a beautiful house.

It's all illusion, Nedge!

A simple parlor trick in which a man moves into a lighthouse

and pretends to be someone other than the museum's docent.

- So this is a museum? - Yes!

- Not your house. - No.

- And you're a docent here? - And a fraud!

We're all just a bunch of frauds, Nedge.

I'm the biggest charlatan of them all.

At least my father and Ashcroft were sailors.

I just stay cooped up in my lighthouse villa

playing make-believe with my old-ass wife.

You mean the state's lighthouse.

There I go again, pretending! This hat? A costume prop!

This ivory? Real ivory! Not mine! The museum's!

In fact, I'm actually pretty surprised none of you picked up

on the sheer blatantness that this is clearly a museum.

Hmm!

Dude, sick.

- Yeah, sick. - Sick.

Okay, but why are you being this con man?

Because... if I hadn't pretended

to be this wealthy mariner...

...none of you would've helped me to my cause.

I never had a mother and I just want to find my father.

These checks aren't good, are they?

Nedge! Don't go!

Reconsider! Please!

Those checks, they might not be good,

but I'm still a pretty fun guy to hang out with!

Come on! Captain Cool over here!

You know... Look, please, I'll do anything. I'll rob a bank!

♪ I can see the waters in the morning

♪ I can see the ships sail into bay

♪ There must be some team who'll do my bidding

♪ Without questioning, drinking, dying or pay!

♪ I know my life is still worth living

♪ I will conquer foe and friend alike... ♪

Seafield! Knock it off! You're a terrible singer.

Sorry.

Did you buy a house?

- 'Tis a sublease. - Oh.

Remember the first time dad took us out on the boat?

How could I forget?

I was five years old.

You couldn't have been more than eight or nine at the time.

We were so scared that day,

dad taking us out on the sea for the first time.

Couple of landlubbers like us, huh? Times have changed.

But he said, "Don't be scared. Everything will be alright.

"This'll be a fun time. I'll keep you safe."

He also said, "If either one of you should get seasick

"and throw up all over the deck,

I will take my harpoon gun and I will shoot you in the face."

Then, of course, you did get sick

and the rest is history, as we may say.

Funny guy, dad.

Well, he did the best he could

as a single teenage father.

Go to the catacombs.

The catacombs? Are you mad? No!

- You must! - I mustn't.

- I think you should. - Why should I?

You killed the monster's child. Now you're cursed.

Well, actually the dead guy, Sean Shaughnessy,

he's the one who killed the monster's child.

I just told him to. Ipso facto...

Even worse!

A man whom you have cursed and later led to the slaughter.

Yep, here it is.

The wandering cursed spirit will not rest

until it brings the cursee's life to a resounding end.

What can I do, Ashcroft?

You're a dead man walking, Seafield.

Might as well avenge the old man's death

and your friend's death while you still can.

Go to the catacombs.

Fore!

Hey, sorry about that, fellas... Whoa, Dick! Nedge!

What are you guys doing here? Ice cream sandwiches?

What do you want, Seafield?

Alright, you've seen through my ruse. I wasn't actually golfing.

- Yeah, no shit. - Get out of here, Seafield.

Look, I'm sorry about before.

But now I've come to right the wrong

of not paying you for your services

by paying you for your services!

- You don't have the money. - I'll sell my pontoon!

You killed my unborn child.

- I'll sell my pontoon. - You mean the museum's pontoon.

Ha-ha! Very funny, Nedge the hedge. Right?

What kind of services are you even talking about?

Security of my life.

The weapon's bag is in the graveyard.

And we're not weapons experts.

I don't care about any of that!

Look, I'm going to be going up against a lot of moving parts

in the near future.

I need trustworthy, reliable, dependable people by my side.

Besides, you know the old adage:

"Six pairs of eyes are better than two."

Not an old adage.

You mean: "Three pairs of eyes are better than one."

Yes, if I were Ashcroft and only had one pair of eyes,

that would be correct.

But I have two pairs of eyes and there are two of you,

so that makes it six pairs of eyes.

You know one pair of eyes makes two eyeballs?

A pear is also a fruit, Nedge.

In that case, yes, a pair of pears would be two pear.

Two pairs of two pears would be four pears.

No! There would be two pear.

- Two pairs of pears? - No!

- Or two pear. - Yes, that's right.

As if you're describing the plural form of "pear"...

In its singular form!

Oh! So you think "pear" is like "deer"?

Or "lamb".

No! A pear is a fruit!

Bye, Seafield.

Aargh... Aargh!

You killed me.

'The wandering cursed spirit will not rest

'until it brings the cursee's life to a resounding end.'

Oh, my God, what's that?

What...?

'Next stop: Lighthouse Island.'

'Prepare for arrival at Lighthouse Island.'

Captain?

Captain?

Captain?

Uh... Captain?

Captain?

Yep, this is a phantom ship.

Milwaukee? We're going backwards.

Gotta turn this bird around.

♪ Dear Old Captain Seafield, you're a stinker, it's true

♪ You put forty odd bullets through your favorite nephew

♪ You ran from the battle, your men never get paid

♪ And down in the black of your past

♪ Lurks a mean old sea hag

♪ Dear Old Captain Seafield, you're a thief and a cheat

♪ You broke into my lodging and stole my good meat

♪ You made eyes at me daughter, you sullied my wife

♪ You're a damn drunken devil and the best friend... ♪

Pure intuition! Ha-ha-ha!

Aargh!

Alright.

Hmm... Ah...

Alright...

Urgh...

Uh...?

No.

Uh... ah...

Ah... hmm...

Ah, God, I wish I was a sea captain.

Ah...

Shit! Oh!

Shit.

Perhaps this will do...

Oh! Success!

Ah, here we are.

Yes!

Hello, Ashcroft! Wh...?

Seafield...

There's something I have to tell you.

The reason we don't have a mother

is because she was harpooned to death by our father.

Who wants fish sticks?

Not now, Martha!

'Go to the catacombs.'

Ghost Army!

Father... is dead.

Ashcroft is also dead.

Monster cut his head off.

I did not want to ask for your help,

but now I'm running short on time.

Anyways... uh...

What I got here?

My life I vow...

...if you help me now.

Anyone?

My life I vow... if you help me now.

There's one. Yes, yes. Alright.

Oh, we have two! Who's next? Right here. Alright.

Yes, yes, yes!

Yes. Come! Follow me, Ghost Army!

Go get 'em, boys!

Well?

You're not good at this game, Mr. Ghost.

'This is Ghost 4 coming in on can 2.

'Like I said, this is Ghost 4 coming in on can 2.'

Can you read me? Seafield, we are having trouble down here.

Troop leaders getting demolished by this thing.

We were not prepared for the magnitude of this hellish beast.

Oh! Oh, good God!

Oh! Oh, Seafield, we need to reassess our plan.

We're losing a lot of good ghosts. And we need a moment...

The battle wages on. Your move.

You're worse than Martha. And she's senile.

Uh?

It was a massacre.

'Stop sending daddy's Ghost Army.

Come fight me yourself!'

What...?

- Oh! - Die!

A-ha-ha!

Uh?

Oh...

Must be imagining things.

What are you doing?

What?

What?

Monster?

In there?

No! No, no, no, no.

Wait, wait, wait. Hold on one second. Wait, wait, wait.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, Mr. Ghost, you go in there first.

I vowed my life to you people.

Now, get in there and make something happen.

I believe in you.

Shh!

Ooh!

Shh! Shh!

Jesus! Goddamnit!

Father.

All out of patsies are we, darling?

Sea hag!

I shall have my revenge!

For my brother!

Well, that was my revenge for my unborn child!

Well, that was my revenge for my father!

Well, that was my revenge...

for your father...

harpooning my mother to death!

Oh, boo-hoo, he harpooned my mother, too.

Come here, baby...

Seafield, he harpooned my mother and your mother.

Seafield...

we have the same parents.

Try to remember.

Blasphemy!

- What...? - Liar!

Damn!

Uh... you must be a visual learner.

'Yes, we are kin, Seafield.

'When the three of us were little,

'our father was a drunkard.

'Every night after work, he would get hammered

'and head to the lake to see our hideous sea monster mother,

'and love her for who she was.

'But one day, he went to the liquor store at 12:05,

'five minutes after closing,

'and could not purchase any ice-cold Milwaukee brews.

'He went home sober.

'Upon seeing his wife through sober eyes for the first time,

'he was shocked at her disgusting face

'and immediately harpooned her,

'leaving the three of us without a mother.

'I have no patience for men

'who come home sober and beat their wives.

'So when I came of killing age,

'I took vengeance upon the old man.

'This gave me peace.

'Now, I want to put our violent past behind us.

'So I birthed a child by the naked swimming man.

'But you rejected this peace offering

'and killed your own nephew,

'so I settled the score with Ashcroft.

'Now that we are even once more, I ask you...'

Brother, let us make peace and end this cycle of vengeance.

Come here, big sis!

Oh! Come here, little bro!

- I'm sorry! - I'm sorry, too!

- Bring it in! - Bring it in.

I didn't believe your story for a second!

It's true! I'm not lying!

It's all lies!

Everyone knows Milwaukee liquor stores close at 9:00 not 12:00!

Seafield, I'm your sister. How could you kill your own...?

Wait... 9:00?

- 9:00pm? - Yeah, I know.

That's just so early.

I know, I know. It's actually ridiculous.

I want to hear their reasoning on that, you know.

Granted. I think we would all appreciate that.

I mean, I don't have the numbers in front of me...

- Well... - How is that... I mean...

Who's that helping?

I honestly think the idea is that, uh...

people will go out to bars and restaurants, spend money.

Help support the local economy,

I think that's where their heads are at, anyways.

Maybe.

Maybe, huh... Some of these ordinances, I tell you.

Some of these ordinances, indeed.

- Huh! - Hmm...

And now to get my revenge!

I've avenged you, father!

I am a hero!

Everyone, take heed!

Ah... Oh...

Thank you.

Aargh! Ow!

Thank you for avenging me.

Oh... ha-ha-ha!

Rest in peace, Sean Shaughnessy.

♪ Dear Old Captain Seafield, the monster, you say

♪ Rose up from the depths, and men started to pray

♪ Your father stood bravely with harpoon in hand

♪ And that was the last that anyone's seen of the man

♪ Dear Old Captain Seafield, with your old man long gone

♪ You sure found some trouble and it didn't take long

♪ You assembled a fine crew of misfits and scum

♪ So roll up your sleeves, you skullduggers

♪ And mind you the rum

♪ Dear Old Captain Seafield, he went off to sea

♪ He came back no captain, though pretended to be

♪ He said he'd found treasure on far distant shore

♪ But all he could show was some crabs

♪ He caught from a whore

♪ Dear Old Captain Seafield, he stumbled the world

♪ And told his lying brags down to every sweet girl

♪ He'll try to impress you with maps and with charts

♪ But truly his gift is to clear out the bar

♪ With his farts

♪ Dear Old Captain Seafield, you're a wild game of chance

♪ His luck comes and goes like the moon and his pants

♪ You live by a code these damn pirates still swear

♪ The stray dogs, they love him for sure

♪ The cats, they beware

♪ Dear Old Captain Seafield! ♪