Original subtitles

Ensign Pulver (1964)

* Gonna take a sentimental journey *

* Bo bo bo bom *

* When this stupid war is done *

* Bo bom, bo bom *

* Going where it's leafy, fresh, and ferny *

* Heading toward the setting sun *

* Heaven *

* That's the place I'm going *

* Heaven *

* With no simple showing *

* Seven *

* That's the time the porter'll shake me, but *

* No porter'll have to wake me *

* Bo bo bo bom *

* Never felt so shivery and dirty *

* Counting white calves in the fold *

* Sweating out my sentimental journey *

* Bo bo bo bom *

* Sentimental journey home *

* Sentimental journey home *

* Who's afraid of the big fat captain? *

* Who's afraid of the cruddy captain? *

* Who's afraid of the jerky captain? *

* Everyone aboard, sir *

Now hear this!

* Who's afraid of... * now hear this!

The captain says there will be no more singing this evening

because of that song.

That is all.

Now hear this! Now hear this!

Reveille!

I reiterate... reveille!

The captain says, because you sang that song last night,

there will be no swimming and no movies for four days.

That is all.

Hit the deck!

Greet the new day!

Up and at 'em!

If he says "rise and shine," I'm gonna vomit.

Rise and shine!

Gaah!

You awake, Carney?

I must be.

I can smell that stinking island.

I'm gonna get up.

Hey, Pulver's taking the mail march today

to pick up our three bottles of scotch.

Did he make the deal?

Sure. With the admiral's dining steward,

and cheap... only 75 bucks a bottle.

Mr. Billings, the radio shack

wants you to break an important message.

Maybe we got a liberty.

Ha!

Yeah, some cruddy island a thousand miles from here

needs another box of toothpicks.

Now hear this! Now hear this!

Sick call! Sick call!

Hey, when's he coming?

I got an awful stomach ache.

Doc, I think I got a fractured rib!

A fractured rib... break out the aspirin, Payne.

Why the flush of hypochondriacs?

Cargo work today.

Ship's coming alongside for supplies.

Okay, let's go!

No, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Take this $75 over to Ensign Pulver,

and tell him to get me two bottles of scotch

instead of one.

Wait a minute. That's only $65.

Oh, well, I'll put in the extra 10 bucks, Doc,

if I can have a swig.

I haven't tasted scotch for two years.

Okay. But just a swig.

Oh, Bacchus, god of alcohol,

coordinate Frank Pulver

and glue him together for one day, please.

Hey, you sure we can't sell you another crate of toothpaste?

We're loaded.

We got it coming out of our ears! Yeah.

Are bras that heavy, Mr. Pulver?

Only when they're full.

Hey, lieutenant, you want to swap movies?

We got a new one...

"Young Dr. Jekyll meets Frankenstein."

We've seen that one four times.

Yeah, we've seen it eight.

Has he got the booze?

Hey, Doc.

* Passengers will please refrain from flushing toilets *

* While the train is standing in the station *

* I love you *

Hello, captain.

What's in the box, mister?

Brassieres, sir.

Brassieres?!

I figure that, uh, Doc could use them at sick call...

for slings and trusses... kneepads or something.

Kneepads! Doc, I couldn't get those kneepads

you asked for, but brassieres do.

Certainly. That's a fine idea.

Open it.

The men could clean the decks

a lot better kneeling in brassieres, sir...

Open it up!

Mister, just who do you think you are?

Ensign Pulver, sir... laundry and morale officer!

I know that!

I want the name of every man

that ordered a bottle of that stuff.

Nobody ordered it, sir. It's for me.

You was gonna drink all of that yourself?

Yes, sir.

Slowly.

This is a navy ship, mister.

Throw that dirty liquor overboard.

No!

Goodbye.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Bruno's turn. Bruno's turn.

Be good to me, sweetheart.

What is it? What is it?

It's a 3.

Bruno, give me back my money.

I got it on my pile before you saw me.

Now this is sucker's monopoly.

You're supposed to cheat, right?

Right.

You know, John X, you're not only a radio operator.

You're a big-time operator. Thanks.

No. No, he means you're a crook.

Oh, please, gentlemen, you'll turn my head.

Hey.

Oh, hello, Mr. Billings. You looking for me?

I ain't got duty till tonight.

I just broke this message.

I figured I'd bring it down to you myself.

My kid died.

Drowned at Coney Island.

She was only 18 months old, and I... I never even saw her.

There's more.

"Funeral Saturday. Please try to come.

All my love, Mary."

"Please try to come"?

The captain might give you emergency leave.

Sure. Get the Doc to go with you.

You can pull it off, Bruno.

You're a con man, remember?

And... and besides that, her parents are dead.

So, you see, all she ever wrote about was our little girl.

Captain, sir, I wasn't there when the kid was born,

I wasn't there when she drowned,

so I just got to be there now,

or else she won't have anybody.

Sh-she'll be all by herself at that little funeral.

We've got two more operators, captain.

And, sir, I could hitch a ride on one of those transport planes

and get back aboard before anybody would even miss me.

You ain't going.

This ain't no kindergarten, junior.

This is the navy. I'm sorry about your kid.

We'll have a special chapel ceremony for her.

But Admiral Finchley's got his eye on us,

and we ain't gonna let him down, now, are we?

Coleslaw!

How could they do that to roast beef?

There's a war on. I'm...

the hell with the war, and the hell with...

Bruno, I think you'd better go now.

And the hell with you, too, Doc!

We ain't fighting no war.

We ain't been within 5,000 miles of the enemy.

Nobody needs us. We're a joke!

Captain, my kid died

because I was delivering potato chips

to some admiral that don't want any more!

Get him out of here.

You're gonna give me that leave, captain.

Go back to your duties.

But...

No!

Please, captain.

What did you say?

Please.

Don't pull that stuff on me.

Get him out of here.

I said get him out of here!

Come on, Bruno, let's go.

"Please, sir. Thank you, sir."

Crew's gonna hear about this, captain.

Every one of them is a Bruno, you know.

I don't want a crew of whining sissies with table manners.

I want men!

You've got men! That's your problem!

If we were in combat, it would be different.

These men left their homes to fight,

but they never got into the war.

They're in limbo, captain,

trapped between heaven and hell on a floating 10-cent store!

You college officers make me puke!

Doctor, see that commander's cap?

I'm gonna be wearing that pretty soon

if I don't listen to every crybaby request

that comes from down below.

This ship doesn't need a foreign enemy.

It's got the domestic brand aboard.

The only reason I don't take you by the nap of the neck

and throw you overboard

is that I might need a doctor someday.

That'll be all!

Ah.

And another fly bit the dust.

Come in.

Oh, I was, uh, looking for the doc.

Oh, he'll be dropping in. Stick around.

Um... Billings just told me about your kid.

And what the captain said.

And I think that's the dirtiest...

I don't want to talk about it, Mr. Pulver,

if you don't mind.

Sure.

Sit down.

Did I ever show you my collection?

Hey. That's a Japanese bayonet.

My brother John got it

off one of the millions of guys he captured.

He sent me that Japanese flag and some fireworks.

I'm saving them to celebrate V-J day with.

Oh.

My brother George is a big hero in Europe.

He sent me this German Luger pistol, see?

I got bullets for it. Look.

Huh?

Now, sometimes I, uh... I shoot coconuts off trees.

You know, on those islands where there's nothing to do.

Hey. This is my art gallery.

Uh, Doc calls it the Sistine Ceiling

because I did it all on my back like Michelangelo.

Uh, what did you want to see Doc for?

Uh, to help me word a message to my wife, Mary...

to tell her why I can't get home.

Hey, I can help you, Bruno.

No, no. Thanks, Mr. Pulver.

After all, I'm your morale officer.

Okay, Mr. Pulver.

Yeah.

Um...

How about, "Darling, they won't let me go.

I love you, John X"?

Yeah.

Sure. That's got class.

Yeah, I never thought you'd...

I mean, she'll like that.

I hid this one inside my shirt.

No, no.

I wouldn't dare take a drop of liquor now, Mr. Pulver.

Well, look, anytime you want it,

you just come right in,

whether I'm here or not, and have some.

Hey, thanks, Mr. Pulver. You're a real...

Bruno, did you take that sedative?

It'll make you sleep.

I don't want to sleep, Doc.

I'm going on duty, work up a sweat.

Frank!

Frank, I need some of that alcohol and orange juice

we were drinking last night.

There you are, my rotgut oblivion.

Frank, couldn't you have saved at least one bottle

of that scotch for dear old Doc?

Wish I had the guts

to smuggle Bruno off this ship.

Somebody's got to defy that old tyrant.

There hasn't been one gesture of rebellion or virility

on this ship since Douglas Roberts left.

Now, wait a minute, Unc.

What about the time old Pulver

threw the captain's palm trees over the side, huh?

Guess my virility was showing then, all right, all right.

When you found out Doug was dead,

you had one healthy moment of rage.

But, Frank, that was weeks ago.

What have you done lately?

I've been thinking about a plan...

to scare the captain so bad

he transfers off this ship... that's what.

You and your infantile plans. How?

By putting glass marbles in his overhead

to roll around all night and keep him awake?

Or by scaring him with those legendary Japanese fireworks

that nobody's ever seen?

They're stashed away in a secret place on deck,

and they're real.

"Scare the captain off this ship."

Don't dream. Don't dream.

Stop talking like somebody's father.

What about you? You don't even dream.

Touché, Frank. I'm a vegetable.

Eggplants don't dream, do they?

"And what did you do in the great war, daddy?"

"I sat on a ship, paralyzed, and watched men rot."

I'm kaput, but you've got a potential,

a destructive nature, and what do you do with it?

Shoot flies with a piece of lead foil.

A naval officer has to be an expert at ballistics.

Now watch.

I killed that fly.

You're a hell of a threat to flies, Frank.

Thought you were supposed to like me, Doc.

I do. God forgive me, I do.

I just don't understand how they made you

laundry and morale officer.

I doubt if you've ever seen the laundry.

I run it from here!

Well, I never did like being laundry officer.

I'm preparing myself for bigger things.

Oh.

Is that why you, uh, read all those dirty books?

They're not dirty books, Doc!

They're great literature that has dirty passages!

I'm improving my mind.

I can't go home and stand next to my big-shot brothers

and... face my old man.

Why not?

Are you kidding?

Why, my dad doesn't even speak to people

unless they're presidents or something.

I can't get him to notice me.

Here's your lousy mail!

Hey, what's with you?

I didn't get any, if you want to know.

I'm sorry.

I-it's just that I heard about Bruno's kid, and I...

Well, I'm not taking any more from the captain, that's all!

I've had it right up to here!

There's only one thing left to do.

I'm gonna challenge that bloody Billings,

and I'm gonna play acey-deucey all day long!

Ah.

This ship has the black plague,

and it's spreading faster than I thought.

"Dear, sir...

"I am a pharmacist's mate on the ship

"where Mr. Roberts was killed.

"He said, 'if anything ever happens to me,

"'send these medical books to Ensign Pulver.

He likes to look at the dirty pictures.'"

Doug Roberts quit medical school to fight this stupid war.

Now he's dead, but the war is still alive.

And so is the captain.

"Dr. Pulver."

Boy, would my father drop his britches.

Hurry up with that sling!

Quit looking at me like that!

Like what? Like you were sorry for me!

Why, you conceited Italian crud!

I wasn't even thinking about you!

The hell you wasn't!

You guys have been looking at me

like I was gonna give you the crutch or something!

John X, you're relieved!

But I want to work! I got to!

You heard me! Go on back to your quarters!

Hey, dowdy, I think he was right.

We better do it now.

Okay, let's go.

Oh, come on.

Hey, that's dowdy. Let's go.

Who is it?

Captain, can we see you a minute?

What's going on here?

Captain, I know this ain't regular,

but these men here want me to say

they'll volunteer for extra duty... anything if...

If what?

Captain, we're asking you to let John X... I mean, Bruno...

go home for his little girl's funeral.

Bruno send you up here?

No, sir. He don't even know about it.

It's just that... well, this is something

that might have happened to any one of us,

and it would mean a lot to the whole crew

if you let him go.

Are you trying to tell me how to run my ship?

No, captain.

Well, then, get back to your duties,

and that's an order!

Tell you what I will do for you, though.

I'll show a movie tonight. How about that?

Anybody wants to see that old movie again,

raise their hand.

I'm a-showing that movie tonight.

And anybody that ain't there is on report!

Get back to your duties!

It's time, Elman.

It's my fault that John Elman

is going to the electric chair tonight. What?

Because I was afraid to let Jimmy tell the truth.

Nancy... you've got to help us.

He had nothing to do with the murder.

Doctor, you've got to do something.

You believe me.

I like this movie better every time I see it.

Hello? Hello?!

Warden's office.

This is the governor speaking. Stop the execution!

Yes, sir!

It's... it's too late, governor.

They've just given him the first jolt.

Movie over?

For me, it is.

What's all that?

Oh, I borrowed a few things from sickbay.

I decided to be a doctor this morning,

so I'm studying anatomy.

What's a "butox," Doc?

A what?

Um...

B-u-t-t-o-c-k-s... "butox."

What's the matter, Doc? You sick?

The captain's enthroned up there,

grinning like a Billiken.

The men are sitting around, hypnotized by despair.

"The skin of the 'butox' is especially sensitive

between..."

Doc...

Remember what you said about me never doing things?

Well, this one I'm going to do.

Look at that.

Lead foil and carpet tacks.

Ol' Pulver's gonna take these up there now

and shoot the captain right in the "butox."

I like the part best where they bring the monster back to life

and then he tries to kill him.

Hey.

Do doctors have audiences just like actors?

Come on.

Scalpel! Scalpel.

Scissors. Scissors.

Stop watching the movie, Frank.

Okay, pops.

Put this up your big fat "butox" and smoke it.

Aah! Aah!

General quarters! Sound the alarm!

Aah! Aah!

Is starboard left or right?

Which way is the 40-millimeter?!

I don't know! Help!

Everybody's got a battle station but me!

Ohh! Oh.

All stations report manned and ready.

Anything wrong, captain?

Hey, where's that medical kit?!

Where is it? There?

Aah!

All hands manned and ready!

Go on, get up! That way! Go that way!

All right, let your pants down.

Which way?!

Go, that's all! Just go!

Where is my battle station?!

I don't know! I can't even find mine!

Radio room manned and ready.

Radio room manned and ready.

What enemy? Where's the enemy?

Number one manned and ready.

Get on that gun there!

Number two manned and ready.

Are we supposed to be here?

We was here last year.

Number three manned and ready.

Where's the trigger?!

Gunnery department manned and ready.

Engine room manned and ready.

Engine room manned and ready.

All stations manned and ready, captain.

What happened, Billings?!

Maybe it's an enemy submarine!

You stupid jerk!

We haven't been within 5,000 miles of a...

what's that?!

Holy crud! Fire!

What's that shooting?

Must be Dr. Hyde killing Frankenstein.

Oh.

Fire! Fire!

Don't fire that gun! That's where I hid my fireworks!

No, no, no, no!

No, don't!

Cease fire! Cease fire! Stop it!

Stop it!

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Aah!

Bring me that microphone, Dolan.

Hey.

Hurry up. Sir.

Now hear this!

Now hear this!

Aah-ho-ho!

Aaah!

Did it break the skin?

I think it's lodged in the brain.

How could it get to the brain?

Oh, that was Dr. Hyde, captain.

Uh, no, it wasn't. It was Dr. Jekyll.

I don't care if it was Harry Truman.

Ohh!

Ohh! Ohh!

Was that iodine?

Iodine? Maybe he stubbed his toe.

Now hear this!

You're going to stay at them battle stations

till someone owns up to this.

What's he talking about?

You're a bunch of cowards!

I'll take off my bars and fight any man on this ship.

What are you doing back there, Doc?

Applying adhesive tape.

I don't like adhesive tape.

Oh. Well, very well. I'll remove it.

Ohh!

What'd you do that for?

Captain, you said, uh...

Never mind what I said!

You're a doctor, and you should know what you're doing!

You're a doctor!

You should know what you're doing!

Who said that?!

Now, you can stop this clowning around

because I'm gonna find out who done this

if it takes me the rest of the year!

Don't make me laugh!

Stop talking back to me!

Now calm down, captain.

Calm down. Those men don't know what happened.

Here, let me have that microphone.

Hello. This is the doctor speaking.

Unfortunately, while our captain was watching the movie,

someone fired a lead-foil pellet

which penetrated deep into his right "butox"...

uh, buttocks.

Hey, did you hear that?

Somebody shot the old man in the duff!

In my opinion,

this wound, although colorful, is not serious.

The great damage is not to the body itself

but to the mind.

Our captain is suffering from a mild form of shock.

Thank you very much.

I don't care if he keeps us at battle stations for a week!

It was worth it!

Now hear this!

Due to the fact that there's a war on

and we got cargo duties,

I'm going to release you from battle stations.

But don't get no fancy ideas.

I got an enemy aboard this ship,

and I'm gonna find out who.

Meanwhile, no privileges. None.

All right, secure from general quarters.

You did it, didn't you?

Oh, no, you don't.

You did it,

and you're just trying to throw me off the track

by saying that I did it.

Quiet!

All right, last chance for the nominations

for the finals tonight. No cheating.

Cast your vote for the great ass assassin.

Ahhhhhhhhh!

Frank, you have performed a miracle!

A miracle! A miracle!

Think so? I've been up all night dissecting this fish.

Fish? What fish?

Frank, we have a united crew for the first time,

and you did it with your little slingshot!

Don't you see?

Everybody thinks everybody else did it,

which means everybody is a hero!

Swear you'll never let anybody know it was you.

Why not?

Morale.

This will keep them busy guessing for months.

Well, what about my morale?

Okay. Blab away. Wave yourself like a flag.

But stop all this doctor nonsense!

A real doctor does good to do good and not for credit!

Okay, I promise. I won't tell anybody.

Frank, you've just passed your first test for medical school.

Of course, if somebody were to guess...

Frank...

Doc, you got to do something about Bruno.

All these other guys are flying high,

but he just sits there alone,

looking at his watch

and asking what time it is in Brooklyn.

And his eyes look kind of funny, Doc.

I'll be right down.

Mr. Pulver, the crew wanted me

to invite you to the finals tonight.

You know, for the great ass-assin.

Gabrowski's got a big crock of jungle juice fermenting.

The great assassin?

Yeah. The mystery man who shot the captain in the duff.

Eight jokers already owned up,

but we don't believe any of them.

So we're gonna vote on it tonight!

Uh, any special reason for inviting me?

A very special reason.

For instance.

For instance, we'd like to have the party in the laundry.

Oh.

Sure.

How about that, huh?

That jungle juice don't look like jungle juice.

It's jungle champagne. It's all grape.

Old fermented grape juice, old raisins,

mildewed grape flakes.

Bicarbonate of soda.

Easy, easy, easy!

Easy, easy, easy!

95%.

Stroke...

Stroke...

Stroke...

Stroke.

Quelle vintage?

All right, you guys,

I'd like to propose a toast

to a great man who is in our midst.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Here's to the toughest...

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Bravest...

The sneakiest...

in fact, the biggest hunk of man on this ship.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Lift your cups, everybody.

To the great assassin.

To the great assassin!

Drink to him, Mr. Pulver. He's a better man than you are.

Uh, who will propose a toast to Mr. Pulver,

who lent us the laundry?

I'll do it.

To Mr. Pulver.

Mr. Pulver is...

Mr. Pulver.

And when our shorts come back from the laundry full of holes,

there's a saying on board the ship...

"boy, that sure is Pulverized!"

But as an officer,

I'd have to say that he's probably the most,

uh... Harmless we got on board.

Here's to Mr. Pulver!

To Mr. Pulver!

I want a bike and a train

and skates and a woman!

Sic him, Frank. Sic him.

Careful. Don't let me break your arm.

Oh!

Look, I'm warning you.

Get him, Frankie baby! Frankie boy!

Yee-hee-hee-hee! Whee!

Pipe down! We got the election results!

The identity of the great assassin,

according to the consensus, is...

And will remain...

unknown.

Nobody got more than three votes.

That's why.

See, Frank? They don't want to know.

The following men got three...

Stefanowski...

the Doc...

Mr. Lasueur... Mr. Carney...

Mr. Billings...

Dolan...

Gabrowski!

You want to make a speech, Mr. Pulver?

No! No, just a simple request!

Oh, I hope I'm not putting you to too much trouble!

But it would give me a great deal of pleasure

if you'd kindly let me know how many votes I got!

Oh, sure.

Oh, let's see now, uh...

I don't see your name here, Mr. Pulver.

I guess you didn't get any.

You sure?

Sure.

Then I'd just like to say

that you can all get the hell out of my laundry!

Now!

Get out!

I'm the laundry officer,

and this place is off-limits to all personnel except me!

He's only kidding, fellas.

Oh, no, I'm not!

Now get out of here, all of you!

You ungrateful, conceited idiots!

Get out!

Oh!

Beat it, you drunks!

Before I put you on report.

Come on.

You heard what the officer said!

Frank?

You get out, too, Doc!

Sure, Frank.

You look kind of pale around the gills.

Sure you ain't got no contagious disease?

No, captain.

I just couldn't seem to sleep last night.

Well, since you've got to sign

for those laundry supplies yourself,

I guess I got to let you go over there.

Be back by 1700.

I told the admiral we were shoving off.

Aye, sir.

Some engine. Many planes land here?

Only for refueling.

Like that one.

Probably on the way to the combat zone.

Are you sure it's safe?

There's no Japanese around?

That's a woman.

No, it's not.

Just another batch of army nurses.

Don't get your guts in an uproar.

They only stay for an hour.

What can you do in an hour?

One side.

Careful, careful. Be careful.

What's the matter?

Did you strain something, lieutenant?

Or is it captain?

I never can tell with the marines.

It's navy, and I'm an ensign.

Oh.

But just call me "Doc."

Aw, go on.

Don't tell me you're a doctor, baby-blue eyes.

What are you, an island doctor?

No. I'm over on the ship.

A battleship?

No. Uh... just a can.

That is, a destroyer.

Just a destroyer?

Oh, girl... girls, we're right in the thick of it.

Uh, where do you keep your destroyer?

In the water.

Girls, I want you to meet a combat doctor.

Doctor, these are my girls.

Well, that is, call them my girls.

I'm... I'm the head nurse.

Isn't he sweet to be a doctor on a destroyer?

Well, I'm not the only doctor.

Actually, there are eight of us.

Uh... I'm just in charge of anatomy...

backs and things, stuff like that.

That doesn't look like a destroyer to me.

Oh, that old bucket?

No. No, that's not my ship.

My fleet's over there behind those trees.

Girls, let's go see it.

We didn't expect to see fighting ships this soon.

We just came down to get refueled.

Hey, Sonny!

We're going over to take a look at his can!

Don't stay too long, major!

We got to get you off the ground before dark!

There may be a front moving in!

Yeah, the Japanese are giving us

a rough time around here.

One front after another.

When he said "front," didn't he mean bad weather?

Oh, sure.

Always getting my fronts mixed up.

Mmm, got kind of a nice front yourself.

What's your name?

Uh, I'm called Scotty.

Well, I'm Frank.

Scotty, watch out for Frank.

Remember what they told us

about these sex-starved men in these back areas?

I don't see any fleet.

Neither do I.

Maybe it's farther ahead.

Go on, girls, up the goat path.

That's... yeah, hurry.

Oh, they're gone.

Well, excuse me, but I just had to see you alone.

Why?

Well, I just want to tell you...

What?

Well, not to fall in love with me.

I mean, even sexually.

No matter what I say or do.

I'm not trustworthy.

For instance...

I'm not a doctor.

I never thought you were.

Oh, but that's not all.

There's... there's not even a fleet out there.

I'm on that old bucket... the worst ship in the navy...

and I'm the worst officer on it.

They all think I'm a jerk.

And I am.

Well, ask the crew or my father or my brothers.

Ask anybody!

Why did you pretend you were a doctor?

I don't know.

'Cause that's what I want to be, I guess.

And because I wanted somebody in this lousy world

to think I was important.

What's wrong with that?

Huh?

Well, isn't it important to want to be important?

Look at, um...

Alexander the Great.

He conquered half the world just to show off to his father.

But he still conquered it.

Oh, you mean after everything I told you,

you think I could be a doctor?

By rights, you should be a good one.

You have more people to prove yourself to

than anyone I ever heard of.

You should cash in on that.

My family's in business.

They say the big trick is to turn liabilities into assets.

Don't you dare be nice to be.

I tricked you into getting behind these bushes

and lied to you.

I hope you're not lying now.

Well, no. That's just an accident.

I just... I just got started

telling the truth and I can't stop.

Now don't listen to me.

Oh.

And don't let me make a pass at you, either.

Why not?

Well, because you...

you'd see through my snow job in a second.

How do you know?

Because I was gonna lay it right on the line.

I was gonna give you a hard look,

a blast right in the eyes, like this.

I was gonna say, "Honey,

"you know what a man's for, don't you?

Huh?"

I was gonna say sexy, brutal things like that.

And then I was gonna say...

what's your name again? Uh... Scotty!

I was gonna say, "Scotty,

you're the most beautiful girl I've seen in six months."

Mm. Am I?

Well, more than that.

You're the only girl I've seen in six months.

Then what were you going to do?

I can't remember.

Why did you let me get away with that?

'Cause I like you.

Aww.

You just like me for my liabilities.

Huh?

Aah!

Bruno, take it easy!

Let go! Take it easy.

I ain't getting in no coffin!

Easy.

Bruno, you're having a nightmare!

A nightmare.

Oh, I thought it was...

Oh, thank God.

Here, swallow some of that, Bruno.

No, I ain't going back to sleep ever.

Well, all right, stay awake and stop beefing.

If this ain't a dream, what's that noise?

That's nothing, Bruno. It's just a storm.

Hey, why don't you break out all the seasick medicine?

We're gonna have a busy night below.

Take it easy, Bruno. Come on, get in there.

Attaboy.

Watch your head.

Attaboy. Take it easy.

Here's another.

The hurricane's expected in this area by 2100.

We better stay put tonight.

Don't tell me what to do!

The admiral wants us at Apathy Island in five days,

and we're gonna be there, hurricane or not!

Yes, sir!

Did Bruno take that sedative?

Bruno's not in sickbay, Doc. Didn't you release him?

No. Say, that man's in a bad state.

You better get him back here.

Hello, Payne! Hello, Doc!

Hello, Frank.

Doc, I'm not the same jerk I was last night.

I'm the new Pulver!

What would happen if I went below right now

and apologized to the whole crew?

They'd throw up.

Are they that sore at me?

No, they're seasick.

But I've got to show them I'm different!

I'm not ashamed of being a jerk anymore.

I'm using it.

That's how I'm gonna prod myself into being a doctor...

with my liabilities.

Where the devil is Payne?

Thanks for listening, Doc.

Two days ago, you saved the life of this ship.

Then last night, you cocked out.

There's a Chinese proverb about that.

It says, "if you once save a man's life,

you're responsible for it as long as he lives."

Even if he commits murder, it's you're fault, too.

Yeah? Yes.

So, while you're reforming...

Doc! He's not in the crew's quarters.

What?!

Look, go get dowdy

and tell him to form a detail to search this ship.

That man could anything in the state he's in.

Who? Maybe I better go with you.

But I didn't tell you about Scotty!

I hope her plane's all right in this storm.

We're not making any headway at all, captain!

You just stick to that course and stop beefing.

I'm going to my cabin,

and I don't want to be disturbed once

till reveille tomorrow morning, except an emergency.

Holy crud.

What do you think you're doing?

Bruno, put that gun down and we'll forget all about it.

You've got my word. Just put it there on the desk.

Bruno.

For god's sake, it ain't my fault your kid died.

Bruno.

Bruno, give me back the gun!

Don't worry, captain, it's not loaded.

What?!

It's not loaded!

Why, you...

okay, captain, you're safe now!

Oh, boy!

Hey, somebody down there help me!

Here, get Bruno to the doc, quick!

Yes, sir!

Captain?! It's okay! He's gone!

Captain?

Captain?

Captain!

Help! Man overboard!

Captain, look behind you!

Behind you!

Can't you swim?!

You stupid jerk, you're gonna drown like that!

Oh, I'm gonna hate myself for this.

I feel so stupid.

Where are we?

Well, up the creek, captain, without a paddle.

How much water we got?

Well, enough for about a month, I guess.

I ain't figuring on being out here no month,

not with some young punk that thinks he saved my life.

"Thinks"?

Captain, I not only saved your life,

now I'm responsible for it.

Nobody asked you to jump off that ship!

Stuck out in the middle of the pacific

with a rock around my neck, and I put it there.

Don't worry, mister.

The navy's probably got planes and boats

out searching for us right now.

I could just see that ship,

men running all over the deck,

telescopes, signal flags.

We lose anything in the storm?

Nothing important.

Uh, how's Bruno?

I was with him all night.

He can't remember a thing since 5:00 yesterday.

I got Payne watching him.

Where you going?

To lock horns with the captain again

about getting Bruno a leave.

He gave orders not to be disturbed!

Hey, hey, watch it, Doc. He'll blow a fuse!

My pleasure.

Captain!

Captain, are you awake?

Holy...

His bunk hasn't been slept in.

He wasn't on the bridge all night.

Could he be below?

We just covered the ship.

Which brings us to the only happy solution to the problem.

What's that, Doc?

He fell overboard.

Oh! What a sense of humor.

I can't understand the navy leaving the captain

of an important vessel sitting out here all this time.

Sure wouldn't happen in the merchant marine.

Well, how often did you fall overboard

in the merchant marine?

I didn't fall!

That maniac Bruno tried to kill me.

When I get back, he'll hang for this.

Look, a medical handbook and a log.

I'm gonna put down everything that happens,

like an experiment.

I don't need rabbits or Guinea pigs. I got us.

Guinea pigs?!

Sure, for the medical profession.

For posterity.

For the reader's digest.

Boy, will my brothers take a back seat.

I was wrong about the navy.

Here comes our plane now!

Yoo-hoo! Here we are!

Here we are!

Hey! Here we are!

Yoo-hoo!

Sit down, captain! They can't see us!

Look down, stupid! Here we are!

They can't see you!

Aah!

He's an officer in the United States Navy.

He couldn't fall overboard!

Well, he sure ain't on this ship.

Hey, maybe he was on the raft that blew over last night.

It's listed on the storm damages.

Missing... three fire buckets,

one life raft, one boat hook...

One captain.

Somebody must have seen him.

Did you check with all the officers?

All except Mr. Pulver.

Yeah, we're giving him the silent treatment.

Come on, Billings. Let's get on that radio.

You notify the navy. I'll notify Frank.

Who's gonna notify the sharks?

Frank!

Frank.

Frank.

Have you told the navy the captain's missing?

Yes. Why?

Because I got a P.S. for you.

"It is now the fourth day

"since the captain began to look truly disgusting.

"'Sweat'... Uh, " perspiration has temporarily stopped.

"Could this be due

"to the malfunction of one of the glands?

"Perhaps the, uh...

Sweat gland?"

Ah.

Ah. "As for the splotches

"that broke out on his forehead

when he ate that ugly-looking fish I caught..."

Um...

They're still very pronounced.

It's more of a purplish color.

Possibly due to, uh...

Dead blood.

"Sometimes he seems delirious.

"Example... while talking in his sleep, he said,

"'Kiss me, Aunt Martha, ' in a small, guttural voice.

"He also made the same request of his cousin Tilly.

"Now, these are obviously the ravings

of a very disturbed and dirty mind."

Stop writing in that book!

"His voice is growing weaker."

I can yell louder than you can, you little crud!

"His irritability is increasing."

I'm not a little crud, pops!

My irritability's increasing.

Stop writing in that book!

I'm writing facts that may save millions of lives.

You should be proud... your name's in the title.

I call it, simply...

"The death of Captain Morton."

"The death of..." why, give me that!

You touch this book, daddy boy, and you'll regret it.

Those sharks were around this morning while you were asleep,

and I pulled your hand out of the water.

I might just forget next time.

Don't fight it, pops. You're gonna be famous.

How many guys get a chance to die on paper?

I am not dying!

The navy's called off the rescue planes.

And, Mr. Lasueur, you're still commanding officer.

Doc, Bruno wants to speak to you.

Doc, can I go back on duty?

I got to do something.

Even a mental nut can work cargo, can't he?

Wait outside a minute, Bruno.

You too, shorty.

Gentlemen, the gods have given this ship a short reprieve.

By tomorrow morning, the captain may be back aboard.

But the navy's given them up for lost.

The navy doesn't know its captain

from a hole in the ground,

and you, evidently, don't know Pulver.

The captain's coming back. I can feel it in my bones.

And I'm going to bring this ship to life before he does.

Doc, I never heard you talk like this.

Oh, yes, you have. I've talked all my life.

But this time, with your permission,

old Doc is gonna do something!

Bruno!

Bruno!

Yes, sir.

Our captain here just told me that he's issuing orders...

for you to...

hitch a ride on that plane back to the states

for a seven-day leave with your wife.

Well? You heard what the doc said.

Go pack your gear.

Oh.

I'm going home!

I'm going home!

Now hear this! Now hear this!

This is your commanding officer speaking.

The following changes of orders

will be strictly and rigidly observed.

On or about 1400 hours today,

this ship will leave this island

and proceed to Elysium island for cargo assignment.

While in that port,

all members of this crew will take full advantage

of the liberty privileges on this island!

Wearing shirts is not mandatory on deck.

Swimming hours commence immediately.

In the meantime,

get your tails off the deck

and make hay while the sun shines!

* Roll me over, give me a beer, and do it again *

* Roll me over, drunk or sober *

* Roll me over, give me a beer, and do it again *

* Oh, this is number two, and I'm drunker now than you *

* Roll me over, give me a beer, and do it again *

* Roll me over *

* Drunk or sober *

* Roll me over, give me a beer, and do it again *

* Now this is number three, now we're really on a spree *

* Roll me over, give me a beer, and do it again *

So long, fellas!

* Roll me over, drunk or sober *

* Roll me over, give me a beer, and do it again *

* Oh, this is number four *

* And I'm passed out on the floor *

Come on! Your boat's leaving! Get going!

So long!

* Roll me over, drunk or sober *

* Roll me over, give me a beer, and do it again *

* Roll me over, drunk or sober *

* Roll me over, give me a beer, and do it again *

* Oh, this is number seven, and I'm sailing up to heaven *

* Roll me over, give me a beer, and do it again *

What the hell is happening?

Metamorphosis.

Vegetables are turning into men!

* ...the girls will have to wait *

* Roll me over, give me a beer, and do it again *

* Roll me over, drunk or sober *

* Roll me over, give me a beer, and do it again *

* Oh, this is number nine, now I'm really feeling fine *

* Roll me over, give me a beer, and do it again *

* Roll me over, drunk or sober *

* Roll me over, give me a beer, and do it again *

* Oh, this is number 10, and we're starting over again *

* Roll me over, give me a beer, and do it again *

* Roll me over *

* In the clover *

* Roll me over, give me a beer *

* And do it again! *

For the last time, captain, lay off of the water!

You can have rations when I give them to you,

and that's an order!

I'm the captain from now on.

You little punk.

You ain't nothing, and you never will be.

You ain't half the man my son was.

You know what happened to him?

Got a fancy job, saved his money,

and bought a house and tried to give it to me to retire in.

You know what I done?

Picked him up by the scruff of the neck

and throwed him out through the door.

You never told me you had a son.

I ain't got no son! I throwed him out!

That's what I'll do to you, too.

You try to give me rations like they was a handout...

Don't you threaten me, pops.

I was tougher than you are when I was 7 years old.

My mother used to work as...

As a chambermaid

for a guy who thought he could give me things.

He offered me toys

so I wouldn't squeal on him to his wife.

One morning, he came out of my mother's room,

and he said,

"here's a little sailboat for you, kid."

Say, "please, sir. Thank you, sir."

"No, you can't have it till you say please."

Then my mother came out, knelt down, and whispered...

she said, "for the love of god, honey,

say 'please' or mama will lose her job."

I kicked him in the shins,

run upstairs, and told it all to his wife.

And he threw me and my mother and what few things we had

right out in the middle of the street.

Standing there, holding on to my mother's hand,

I decided I was gonna become so important

that I'd never have to say "please"

or "thank you" to no living soul.

Then I went to sea and worked like a dog

and finally done all right for myself.

War come along and made me more important.

Never got no sailboat, but...

I got me a ship.

And a commander's cap a-waiting for me.

Think you're tough?

Think you can give me orders?

You wait, pops. We'll see who's tough.

You can have a swig of water now.

I don't need it now.

My wife left me and... and then...

Keep talking.

I can't.

Yes, you can.

Think about nice things.

Think about women.

Like the day my teacher caught...

caught the girl at the desk in front of me

rubbing my leg with a big eraser.

It wasn't my fault.

They was all loose women.

All of them.

Who, the art teacher?

No.

The neighbor women after my wife left.

They kept winking at me and...

Getting me all stirred up, and then...

And they blamed me for what happened.

Someday, I'm gonna...

Go back to that town sober,

and I'm gonna show them a thing or two.

I thought... I thought you told me you never took a drop.

Stop spying on me.

Are you afraid of drink, captain?

I'm not afraid of drinking or leching...

Or any kind of weakness.

Give me that book!

Give me that...

Give me that book!

Ohh!

"An interesting turn of events.

"The captain...

"Is a compulsive woman-chaser.

"That's why he won't touch liquor.

He's afraid of his feelings."

Wake up, pops!

We're dead!

Unh! Ohh!

[ Speaking native language ]

Kava.

"Kava"?

[ Speaks native language ]

You sure that stuff's not poison?

You're not friendly with the Japanese or anything, are you?

Where is this island, anyway?

Gramus.

Gramus.

Okay, boys.

Gramus. Gramus. Gramus.

Holy crud!

What do you ferment? People?

You make stronger jungle juice

than they did on the ship, honey.

Oh, um...

Ma'am, do you have a boat around here?

Um, boat.

No. Uh...

We got to get back to our ship.

No, stop that. Um...

My fat friend is sick.

"Friend"? What am I saying?

[ Shouting in native language ]

Jesus want me for a sunbeam

to shine for him each day.

Ah.

Apples bright, apples are rosy and red,

but turned into cider are humble instead.

Me father learn from missionary.

Me teach her.

Apples bright... loga!

You swim all way from airplane?

Airplane? Where?

Over there.

It must have ditched in the storm.

It didn't crash.

Ah.

All the life rafts seem to be gone.

You sure there's no American soldiers around here?

No.

Who lives on that island?

Wild pigs.

Loga!

Can pigs build fires? Huh?

Come on.

Now, come on... one side, girls.

Mother has work to do.

Come on, babies.

Scotty!

Scotty.

Is that a... a boat?

Be careful! They may be fierce savages!

Anybody here?! We saw your fires and...

oh, no.

Oh, yes!

Scotty! Ha ha!

It's Frank!

Scotty!

For crying out loud.

Oh, no, no. Impossible.

It's too grotesque.

Hiya, buster. Welcome to paradise island.

Now, what can we do for you?

"We"?

Sure. Me and my girl here.

Me Tarzan, her Jane.

Me cheeta.

We saw the other nurses being picked up by a ship.

The storm was so heavy, they couldn't see us.

And there were no more rubber rafts.

And I don't know... if it wasn't for stretch here...

Gee, we owe our lives to you.

Stretch is really remarkable.

You should see how he ditched the plane

in the middle of a hurricane.

Stop bragging about me.

I still haven't got this radio to work.

Hey, wasn't there a Pulver with me

in the all-American lineup a couple years back?

Yeah, there were two of them,

and they're both my brothers.

Your brothers?

Those two bruisers?

Aw, come on.

Mayday! Mayday!

This is 8-0.

Do you read me, over?

8-0, I read you, over.

We made contact! Get over here, Pulver!

Come on! On the double!

This is Captain Donald Zimmer.

There are five of us marooned on this island.

I can't give you the exact location,

although it should be approximately...

3 degrees 17 minutes south latitude.

Stop poking me!

I'm trying to find out something.

158 degrees east longitude.

Ohh!

What are you trying to do?

Temper, poopsy, temper.

Did you say 1-5-8?

Uh-huh. Yeah, that's right.

Scotty, I'm afraid it's what we thought it was.

Oh, no. Stretch,

tell them to send a doctor, quick!

Find out if there's a ship in this area or a seaplane.

There's no airstrip.

No, the sea's too rough. It'll have to be a ship.

Tell them to get a doctor here at once.

We have a man who needs immediate attention.

Will the doctor please report

to the radio shack immediately?

Will the doctor please report

to the radio shack immediately?

On the double, Doc!

Stand by. Here he comes.

Hello, Bruno. How was your leave?

Boy... I can't talk to you now, Doc.

Here he is.

Come on, Doc. Sit down.

What?

Hello, Doc?

Well, go on... answer it.

Hello, who...

no, no, no., hererehe.

Oh.

Hello. Who's speaking?

Well, what do you know? Hiya, Doc! This is me!

Who?

Me, Frank!

Frank?

Pulver!

Holy... fr... Frank, where are you?

We're on this pig island!

Commser Force put us in contact with you.

You must be somewhere in the area

but not close enough to get here.

The head nurse says it's an emergency, see?

The captain has acute appendicitis.

We have some equipment here,

but... but we haven't got a doctor.

What should we do?

Isn't the navy sending any help?

Yes, but she says somebody

has to operate on him right away.

There's danger of periton...

you know!

...tonitis.

Well, she'll just have to do it.

She can't. She's got a broken arm.

Who else is there?

Another nurse.

She'll help, but that's all.

Then there's this pilot. What about him?

Well, he doesn't approve of surgery.

He says it can be fixed by exercise.

Anybody else?

Me.

Doc, you still there?

Uh, yes, Frank.

Doc, I figured you and me

might try it together if we could just...

if we could just keep radio contact.

I've got a whole surgical kit from their plane,

except for ether.

Well, the cans got punctured.

Then you'll just have to get him drunk.

Frank, are you still there?

I said, "get him drunk."

That's what I thought you said, Doc.

Oh, boy.

Hey! What are all these people doing here?

Many people come!

Bring special gift from chief.

Oldest kava on the island.

Loga!

Very strong. What's in it?

First, we put in many dead things from the sea...

fish heads, fish guts, frog.

Then we leave in sand long time.

Aha!

Smell.

Hey. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.

More bad, more good.

Also, a special herb kill pain.

Feel nothing at all in body.

What are you talking about over there?

Get it ready.

Yeah. I think he'll need about three of these.

Three, hon. Three.

You think you're gonna cut me open, don't you, mister?

Yes, captain.

Well, I got something to say about that.

No, you don't. You just lie there and shut up.

And stay alive.

Boy, if you die on me, you'll live to regret it!

You talk big, mister. But you're scared.

So are you, and you better be.

This is a very dangerous thing!

Then what makes you think you can do it?

You might kill me. Did you ever think about that?

Well, that's just the chance we've got to take.

You're the miserable monster of the world, captain,

but you're my responsibility.

Like it or not.

[ Man shouting in native language ]

What is it? What's going on here?

It's a lovely party with coconut punch and everything.

Look, just like they serve at don the beachcomber's.

Here, you even have a gardenia.

Now, you keep smelling that.

Is there any liquor in it?

Where would these innocent natives find liquor?

It's got lovely herbs and things to keep you from hurting.

Now open your mouth, close your eyes.

We'll all be in for a big surprise.

Come on.

Keep your clammy hands off me.

Then open your big fat mouth.

Did you say something?

It tastes like dead frogs.

That's what it is.

You need a little more.

More. Hi!

Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!

Hi!

Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!

Hi!

Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!

Hi!

Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!

Hi!

Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!

Hi!

Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!

Hi!

Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!

Hi!

What is it, Frank?

Did you hear the way he was yelling at me,

the old goat?

He was just testing you, Frank.

He doesn't think I can do it.

Well, nobody does.

There isn't anybody around here who thinks I can!

Well, aren't you gonna say you think I can do it?

No. I'm not going to say that.

It doesn't matter what anybody thinks... or feels.

Except you.

Is Doc on?

I'm here, Frank.

We're just about all set here. How you feeling, Doc?

In all honesty, not so good, Frank.

How's he, uh, taking the anesthetic?

Just a minute.

Couldn't you and me go someplace quiet?

You know, you are absolutely pagan?

Madam? Mm?

Would you be kind enough

to squeeze me some more of that frog juice?

Hold your horses, Bacchus.

Does that hurt?

I can't tell yet.

Do it around some other places.

The patient is ready, doctor.

Okay, Doc, he's crocked.

Here we go.

Good lord.

I have a bigger audience than young Dr. Jekyll.

Now hear this!

The captain just took the painkiller.

It's some kind of native concoction.

Okay, we'll let you listen in.

Good luck.

Good luck, Frank.

Yes, good luck.

Good luck, twerp.

Good luck to you, pops.

Okay, Doc, begin.

One minute, Frank.

Ah-ha!

Now you are going to make McBurney's incision...

from the pubic symphysis to the iliac crest,

2/3 from the umbilicus.

I know. She has it all marked out in lipstick.

You mean from here to here.

I dearly hope so.

Now make one single light, firm stroke.

Ah.

Why, that's perfect, Frank.

He feel that?

* Oh, we are the joy boys of radio *

* Oh, ho ho, ho ho hoo *

Frank, are the nurses using hemostats?

Yes.

* Oh, my darlin' *

* Oh, my darlin' *

* Oh, my darli... * shut up!

I beg your pardon?

Now the peritoneum.

And now the peritoneum?

Yes, make the identical cut in the peritoneum.

Be sure not to go too deep!

And tell the nurses to use the retractors.

They are.

Now you've... now you've got to go through the omentum.

That's right.

Ahh!

Are the nurses still helping you?

Yes.

Okay, Doc, now, where's the appendix?

I can't quite figure out where it is.

Doc?

What happened?

I don't know, Doc. We lost contact.

Well, get it back, quick!

Mr. Pulver, can you hear me?

Doc?! * we are the joy boys... *

Shut up, you! Doc!

Wake up, idiot, and get back on that radio!

Mr. Pulver, can you...

Pulver, can you hear me?

Yes, I hear you.

Go ahead, Doc.

Now, do you see the protrusion?

Uh-huh.

That's the appendix.

Is there any sign of a rupture?

No.

No.

Good. Now...

Very carefully tie the appendix off at the stub.

Right. Got it.

Gently... gently... elevate

and cut between the tie and the appendix.

I'm doing it.

Carefully cradle it out, Frank.

The appendix is out, Doc.

Nice going, Doc! You did it!

No! No! Quiet!

Quiet! It's not finished yet.

Frank, how's the patient doing?

The pulse and respiration are satisfactory.

Apparently, he's feeling no pain.

You're not feeling no pain, huh, honey?

He's okay, Doc.

All right. Now sprinkle sulfa powder around the area

and sew up the peritoneum.

Suture. Suture.

Suture.

Sponge. Sponge.

Sponge.

Alcohol. Alcohol.

Would never touch it.

Sterilize the marbles.

Sterilize the marbles. Sterilized.

Doctor, what are you doing with those ma...

take those marbles out of that man!

They're pure sterilized glass.

Dr. Hyde said a human body can retain sterilized glass.

Isn't that right, Doc?

Right!

I told you to take those marbles out of that man's...

leave them in there, Frank! They'll make a wonderful sound.

Doctor, when this war is over,

I'm gonna report you to the American Medical Association.

And you know what I'm gonna do to you?

No, you're not. She's not your type.

Oh, no, a promise is a promise.

Take them out, Frank.

Take that last one out, too.

That's not a marble.

You're damn right it ain't.

Oh.

Okay, it's done.

Good. Now sew up the outer incision, Frank.

I'm sewing.

Okay, it's finished.

Thank you, Doc.

Whoopee!

[ Chanting in native language ]

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Now hear this! Now hear this!

All personnel form on the quarterdeck

for the official welcome.

The captain will be back on board momentarily.

All right, you jailbirds, recess is over.

That is all.

You gonna see your nurse after the war?

Gonna marry mine.

Captain, we'll be there in a second.

You haven't let me talk to you since...

since the operation.

I got nothing to say to you

except on official business.

But you haven't listened to anybody.

Why, you don't even know what happened that night...

who told me how to operate or anything.

You were so full of that coconut stuff,

you wanted to grab all the women on the island and...

now you shut up!

The admiral's doctor said you've done a fair job.

That should be enough for you.

Why did they keep them in the hospital so long, Doc?

Convalescence, observation.

All right, dress up left.

What's it gonna be like with him back, Doc?

God knows.

Ship's company... attention!

Hand salute!

Welcome aboard.

At ease!

Well, a lot's happened in the last eight weeks,

but the less said about that, the better.

We learned a lot about survival.

It'll be of great help to the navy.

But remember...

Ensign Pulver and me will answer no questions

about our experiences.

Well, I guess that's about all.

Unless you have something to say, Mr. Lasueur.

Well, there is one thing, captain.

This memorandum came from the bureau.

Admiral Finchley sent it over by launch with a little note,

instructing me to give you this the moment you came aboard.

Ship's company... attention!

This is no time or place for presentations.

Well, I guess the admiral figured the men would get a kick

out of seeing their captain become a commander.

Mm.

Sure.

All right, Dowdy.

The crew would just like me to say,

well, let bygones be bygones.

Crews and captains sometimes have frictions,

but when you were in trouble, captain,

we were rooting for you,

and we're glad you pulled through.

And we'd all be mighty proud to see you put that cap on.

Just put it on.

I hope nobody thinks that exposure to the elements...

A minor operation has changed me into somebody else.

I'm the same guy, only stronger.

The admiral says I can keep my ship till the war's over.

Bruno!

Bruno!

Oh, for cripes...

uh, I'm sorry, sir.

I just had a radio message for Seaman First Class Bruno,

and I forgot that you...

It's nothing.

Hold on.

Is that message an emergency?

Not exactly.

It's, uh... just that John X is gonna have a baby.

I mean, his wife is gonna have a ba...

hey, that's great!

Another bambino!

Hold on. Attention!

Did you wrangle a leave while I was gone?

No, sir, I... I went AWOL.

How long were you away?

Oh, long enough, I guess, sir.

Captain, he didn't go A.W.O.L. I signed his orders.

At the insistence of the ship's doctor.

You, huh?

Well, Doc, this time you've gone a step too far.

You knew how I felt about him getting leave.

'Course, captain.

But as a doctor,

I wasn't much interested in how you felt, sir.

I was interested in how he felt.

What else has been going on here?

Shore parties and swimming?

Yes, captain, we've been raising hell.

And yet we've done more cargo work than ever before.

Are you trying to suggest

that my ship's been better off without me?

No, indeed.

That's your suggestion, captain, not mine.

Maybe this ship would be better off with a new doctor.

How do you like that for a suggestion?

That's up to your usual standards, sir.

Mr. Lasueur!

Bruno is restricted to the ship, pending court-martial.

Dolan, come to my cabin.

Start the paperwork on him.

Also, type out the doctor's request

for a transfer.

Just a minute, Lasueur.

I'd like to talk to him first.

Bruno, Doc, could you come with me?

Come in, Dolan.

I want you to start some court-martial proceedings.

Well, captain, before you start anything like that,

I think you should know I'm not the one who saved your life.

Well, Doc here told me what to do

over the radio, step by step.

Wait a minute.

And Bruno kept radio contact the whole time.

Now, if it wasn't for these two men,

you'd be dead right now.

And it wasn't only them.

Why, any man in the radio shack

could have pulled a wire or kicked out a plug.

But nobody did.

Now, you weren't in any condition

to know it at the time...

shut your mouth about that!

It was an emergency.

Everybody did what he had to do,

and that's all.

And now I've got things to do.

Get out!

You better go while the going's good, captain.

It isn't safe for you on this ship.

No, nobody's gonna kill you, but...

But you can't stay alive here...

While looking at me every day and Doc and Bruno

and all the other guys who saw under your guts that night.

I don't know what you're talking about, mister.

Yes, you do.

I'm the guy on the raft with you, remember?

Look, it's all here, everything you said and did,

all the things you're afraid of.

Oh, you were just as crazy with the heat as I was.

Nobody would pay any attention

to what you scribbled on that raft.

Wouldn't they? Nobody?

Well, what do you want for that?

A transfer?

No, I... I just want to stay on the ship and work with Doc.

Oh, I... I see. You... you want a promotion.

You want a citation,

so your father and your brothers

can read about it in the paper.

I don't want a citation, captain.

I'd look stupid with a Navy Cross.

Well, what are you going to do with that?

I'm gonna give it to you.

Oh, I forgot.

You can't take presents, can you?

All right.

Don't worry. I won't tell anybody about it.

You've got my word.

It'll be a kind of professional secret.

What do you want from me, mister?

I can't change.

For god's sake,

don't ask me to be something different than...

than what I am.

You want me to say... to say thank you?

All right.

No, captain! I don't want anything from you!

I just want to help you.

Why?

Because...

Well, I've got to.

Because it'll always be this way.

There'll never be any reward.

It'll just be the next thing to do.

Get off this ship, captain.

You're dying to be a nice guy

and say thank you to this whole crew.

But you can't, can you?

And if you don't,

it's gonna pump up into your throat

until it chokes you to death.

Come back here, mister!

You can't talk to me like that!

You can't talk to me...

ship's company... attention!

Hand salute!

Ho!

Captain, may we present you with your commission pennant?

She's your ship...

Captain.

Goodbye, doctor.

Goodbye, captain.

I wasn't talking to you.

I was talking to him.

Man the rail!

Ship's company... hand salute!

Tow!

Shove off.

Shove off.

Oh, god, how he hates to leave this ship.

Then why did he ask to leave?

Admiral Finchley didn't request his transfer.

The captain asked to be transferred

to the admiral's staff.

He typed out the request himself.

Wouldn't even let Dolan do it.

How do you know?

Because Dolan steamed the letter open,

like all good yeomen.

Captain Morton got himself transferred

off this ship for one reason...

so he wouldn't have to say thank you

to the men who saved his life.

That's not true.

He's saying thank you now, big brain...

The only way he knows how...

by leaving the ship he loves.

This is the guy that was gonna put marbles in his overhead.

He was even gonna leave them in his belly.

Oh, now wait a minute. Oh, no.

No, I distinctly heard the head nurse

tell you to take them out.

I put them back.

Well, I'll be a bobtailed bastard.

Genius. Absolute genius.