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BARBARA:
Oh, my God!
Why?! Why did you do this?!
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- I didn't mean to! You kept
telling me to pull harder!
3
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- I didn't mean to break me,
you dumb piece of shit!
4
00:00:07,257 --> 00:00:09,968
Now Dan is definitely
gonna know you snooped!
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- Did you...
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- What?
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- Did you fucking do that on purpose?
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- Wha...? Oh, my God, Cody.
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Why would I have you break me on purpose?
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So that Dan would come home from work
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and realize you're a crazy, jealous bitch
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00:00:24,191 --> 00:00:27,110
and break up with you,
and then we'd live happily ever after?
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[laughs]
Yeah, I did it on purpose.
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00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:31,949
- Well, great plan, man.
'Cause now you're all jacked up,
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so he might break up with me,
but he's gonna throw you away,
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so you fucked both of us.
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- Have you met Dan?
He doesn't care.
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For him, it's just another hole to fuck.
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["Little Hypocrite"
by Alice Bag playing]
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You're seriously going
to all this trouble to keep Dan?
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Why?
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- 'Cause I love him?
- [laughs] "Love him."
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How do you fucking know you love him?
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- I don't know, man, I ju...
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Like, I don't know,
we fart in front of each other.
26
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We... both like to watch movies
with the subtitles on.
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Whatever.
- Wow, wow, that sounds super deep.
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00:01:05,315 --> 00:01:07,693
- Fuck off, Barbara.
You know, you call yourself a feminist,
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but you hate other women.
- What?
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No, I love other women.
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I just hate you.
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- But you are me!
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- No, I'm not.
I'm not you. Ugh!
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Phone, play "Doll Parts" by Hole.
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["Doll Parts" playing]
Yeah, I fucking love this song.
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[turns off music]
- Okay, see?
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You just proved my point a-fucking-gain.
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We're the same person.
I love this song.
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You sound different to me,
'cause I'm going fucking crazy,
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but in reality I'm just sitting in my car,
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having a conversation with myself,
and I just told
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my phone to play "Doll Parts"
by Hole, so...
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["Doll Parts" playing]
Goddamn it.
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[turns off music]
- You know what?
You are the shitty feminist.
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I hear you doing all types of,
like, rape roleplay,
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you twisted little bitch.
- Okay. That, you know...
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Roleplay, like... that's a consensual...
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And-and a woman can be submissive in bed
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and, like, not be, like...
- "Ooh, Daddy, it hurts!
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Daddy, I'm Cody. Ooh, it hurts."
- Okay.
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All right. When we do that,
it's, you know...
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it-it is a fictional roleplay universe...
53
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You know what, whatever, man.
It doesn't mean
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I want to fuck my real dad.
- Wow. Okay,
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I didn't actually think
you wanted to fuck your real dad
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until you just said that.
Now I'm like,
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oh, my God,
you want to fuck your real dad.
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Is he, like, hot or something?
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- You're so annoying.
- [laughs] I'm annoying?
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Dan and I had a good thing going
and we were super happy,
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and you came
and you screwed everything up!
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Ugh! We all know you're just dating Dan
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because he's, like, a genius writer,
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and you're hoping
it'll somehow rub off on you.
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But it won't...
- ♪ They really want you ♪
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♪ They really do ♪
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♪ Yeah, they really want you ♪
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♪ They really want you ♪
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♪ And I do, too. ♪
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BARBARA:
I want a green juice.
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- Oh, that's too bad,
'cause you're plastic.
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- Your hands are clammy.
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Ow! You're hurting me!
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- Oh, no.
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- You're such, like, "mean mom" vibes.
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Oh, my God, Cody.
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Don't look now, but look now.
78
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Don't look now, but look now.
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The redhead.
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She's fucking disgusting. Ew.
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00:03:03,809 --> 00:03:05,227
Girl, you're looking gorgeous.
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Keep rocking that wig.
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[tapping desk bell]
- Hello?
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00:03:09,481 --> 00:03:12,109
- [laughs] Bet he's totally
jerking it back there.
85
00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:13,986
- Who?
- The repairman.
86
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- How do you know it's not a repairwoman?
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- [sputters, snorts]
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You're so cute.
You're so, like, of the moment.
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I really am gonna miss you
when Dan breaks up with you.
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♪ He's jerkin' off, he's jerkin' off ♪
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♪ He's jerkin' off
in the back of the store. ♪
92
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- Hey. Sorry about that.
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I hope you weren't waiting long.
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Did you hear anything?
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- See? I told you.
- Excuse me?
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00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:37,509
- No, I was just in the back
making a repair to a doll, and I
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was wondering if you heard the
sound of me making the repairs.
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- See?
- Yeah, I didn't hear anything,
so, you know,
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for the future, like, you
don't have to ask that question.
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- Oh. A lesson learned.
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I am Stu.
How can I help you?
102
00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:52,441
- Yeah, I just need to get that fixed.
103
00:03:52,524 --> 00:03:55,277
- Yikes. That is nasty.
104
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- You're nasty, dicklick.
105
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- You know, actually,
I think it would be faster
106
00:03:58,447 --> 00:03:59,781
and cheaper just to get a new one.
107
00:03:59,865 --> 00:04:01,825
- What?
No, no, it's, um...
108
00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:04,203
it's my boyfriend's,
and he can't know about this,
109
00:04:04,286 --> 00:04:07,039
so, you know, it would have
to look exactly like her,
110
00:04:07,122 --> 00:04:10,667
and I know she's, like, a...
special one-of-a-kind order.
111
00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:14,087
- Wait, that one?
- Yeah.
112
00:04:14,171 --> 00:04:17,174
- No, no. That's a Kayla.
- A what?
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00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:19,343
- That's a Kayla.
That's a standard midrange model.
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- That's not true.
- They discontinued those years ago
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due to lack of interest.
- No. He's a fucking liar.
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- Shame.
- I'll tell you what, we have
a bunch of 'em still in stock.
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Maybe you just get a new one.
They're on sale.
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- Great.
- What?
- Although...
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I'm just thinking about your situation.
120
00:04:33,065 --> 00:04:34,233
- What's wrong?
121
00:04:34,316 --> 00:04:35,609
- I don't know, it's just...
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she's really worn out.
123
00:04:37,569 --> 00:04:38,904
I think your boyfriend is
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definitely gonna notice the difference.
125
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Would you mind if I...?
- Please.
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- Okay, this is just...
- Great.
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BARBARA:
Ow!
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00:04:44,576 --> 00:04:46,495
Okay, guys, my tits are chilly in here.
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If anyone happens to have a light cardie.
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STU:
See, silicone isn't that different
131
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from flesh, really.
132
00:04:51,375 --> 00:04:53,252
Like, time just takes its toll.
133
00:04:53,335 --> 00:04:55,254
- Yeah.
- Look at these fingers
right here, can you see these?
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These are sort of...
- Oh, Jesus.
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00:04:56,588 --> 00:04:57,965
- Yeah, they're kind of melty.
- Gross.
- Melty?
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No, no, no.
- Yeah, well, you know, this is the thing,
137
00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:02,094
they're only really designed
to last ten years,
138
00:05:02,177 --> 00:05:03,679
and so if you do the math, she's a MILF.
139
00:05:03,762 --> 00:05:05,973
- Fuck off, Stu.
- But...
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00:05:06,056 --> 00:05:07,891
too old, too old to be a mother.
141
00:05:07,975 --> 00:05:09,560
So I guess, like, a GILF or something.
142
00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:11,854
- Okay, I'm actually unable to
conceive naturally, so the fact
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that you'd even bring that up
around me is very triggering.
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00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:16,316
- Let me get serious here for a second.
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00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:18,235
Let's take a look.
- Ew. What is he doing?
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- Okay.
- Oh, my God! Ew!
Get out of there, perv!
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- We got stage five vaginal stressing.
148
00:05:23,740 --> 00:05:26,076
- Okay, Cody, look, I know we
never established a safe word,
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00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:28,453
and that is totally my bad--
we absolutely should have talked
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about it-- but, like: safe word.
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- Left labia completely blown out.
152
00:05:33,125 --> 00:05:35,419
- Okay, Cody, we can stop now.
- Now, the hair is easy,
153
00:05:35,502 --> 00:05:37,087
because we can just...
- I'm actually really starting
to freak out.
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Oh! My beautiful hair!
155
00:05:38,505 --> 00:05:40,883
- Yeah. Pops right off.
Easy peasy.
156
00:05:40,966 --> 00:05:43,302
- [ Barbara sobbing ]
- Yeah, we just pop that on
to a new doll,
157
00:05:43,385 --> 00:05:45,470
'cause their wigs, they come
with a much higher quality
158
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of hair, and he would definitely
notice something like that.
159
00:05:48,182 --> 00:05:50,267
- [crying]
Oh, Cody, please...
160
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:51,894
- Right. Okay.
161
00:05:51,977 --> 00:05:53,896
- Now, take a look at the face here.
162
00:05:53,979 --> 00:05:55,480
See these cracks?
163
00:05:55,564 --> 00:05:57,608
These are called compression tears.
164
00:05:57,691 --> 00:05:59,401
They just happen over time.
165
00:05:59,484 --> 00:06:01,153
- Right.
- Look, I'm just
166
00:06:01,236 --> 00:06:03,780
spitballing here, but maybe
we can take a rolling chair,
167
00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:05,657
and we roll it over the face
168
00:06:05,741 --> 00:06:08,827
of the new one, back and forth
and back and forth, until...
169
00:06:08,911 --> 00:06:10,454
we can match this cracky face.
170
00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:12,289
But don't you think your boyfriend
171
00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:14,291
would prefer a new model?
172
00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:16,543
I mean... just look at her.
173
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She's useless.
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- [Barbara sniffles]
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[beep]
MAN [over speakers]: Stu.
176
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Could you report to the loading dock?
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The new anuses just arrived.
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- Nice.
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00:06:30,474 --> 00:06:33,810
[somber music playing]
13963
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