Original subtitles

T-T-T-This is just sloppy craftsmanship.

Hey, Rick.

Boy, sure is really especially beautiful out there today, huh?

Oh, yes, Morty.

I-It's almost unbelievable, isn't it?

Yeah, you know?

There's something about the air

and just the way the sunshine is.

Uh, sure, buddy. Yeah.

Sure. B-Brilliant. Very convincing.

Wha... convincing?

Oh. Responsive, too.

In real time. I love it.

Uhh... okay.

[ robotic ] I'm going to work.

Morty, good morning.

Dad, good morning.

I am going to work. Goodbye.

What's with mom?

Oh, what's with mom?

So, you're saying that she's acting weird?

How soph[burps]isticated.

Careful, guys.

You're gonna burn out the CPU with this one.

Okay, you know what, Rick?

You're acting weird, too.

Whatever, quote-unquote "Morty."

Alright, well...

I'll see you after school.

Ow! Oof! Ugh!

Damn it!

I'm alright. I'm okay.

[ slurps ]

Alright, who can tell me what 5 x 9 is?

[ students whispering ]

Morty?

Uh, me?

What is 5 x 9?

Umm... you know, it's uhh ...at least 40.

[ students gasp ]

Morty, that's exactly correct!

5 x 9 is at least 40!

Come up here.

Whoo! Way to go, Morty!

Everybody, this is the best student.

I want you to be the teacher today.

Teach us, Morty!

Interesting.

W-W-W-What do you want me to teach you?

Ooh, ooh!

How do you make concentrated dark matter?

Oh, that's a good question.

Concentrated huh?

Concentrated dark matter...

the fuel for accelerated space travel.

Now, do you know how to make it?

Umm...

JESSICA: Come on, Morty.

Isn't your grandpa, like, a scientist?

Oh, yeah, but, you know, he told me that I shouldn't go

around spouting off about, you know, his science and stuff.

I bet you've seen him make concentrated dark matter a lot.

You know, if you tell us, I'll be your girlfriend.

Uh, y-you will?

Seems like a rare opportunity, Morty.

[ blam! ]

Morty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency.

Stop right there!

If he leaves, I'm giving him an "F."

RICK: He doesn't care.

Aw, man!

Rick, I have to go back!

I think I was about to get married!

Ugh! Take a shower with me, Morty.

What?!

Listen to me, Morty.

Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now.

Y-Y-Y-You got to trust me, Morty.

Ugh!

I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick.

Morty, that's not class.

T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher.

This isn't your school.

This entire world is not the world.

We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship.

Wait a minute.

W-What are you talking about?

It's all fake [burps] Morty... all of it.

Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Morty.

I couldn't say so until we got in the shower.

They won't monitor us in here.

Monitor us?! W-Who?!

Zigerion scammers, Morty...

The Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists.

You know, it's lucky for us they're also really

uncomfortable with nudity.

Aw, come on, Rick.

If everyone's just gonna be insane today,

at least let me be insane with Jessica.

I can't [burps] let you do that, Morty.

Give it to me!

No! [ burps ]

You give it to me!

G-G-Give it! No, Rick!

[ aliens groaning ]

Oh, god, Sir! They're still naked!

Ugh.

Well, check every five Quintons and tell me when they're not.

I think we should make Kevin look, sir.

What?! No!

W-W-Why would you even say that?

Uh, sir, we have a situation over here.

If there's a wiener on that monitor,

I swear to god, Stu...

Something is drawing a lot of processing power.

Oh, wait. No wonder.

There's another real human in the simulator.

Okay, Jerry... big pitch meeting.

Make-or-break time.

[ whirring]

You can do this.

How did this happen?!

Where's the Abductions Department?

Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order.

Don't put this on Acquisitions!

We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated!

Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been

- abducted, so... [chuckles] - Oh, I see!

Oh, oh! It was no one's fault.

Oh, okay. [ chuckles ]

I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved.

Oh, wait... no.

There's still another human in here!

Who is he?

Rick's son-in-law, Jerry Smith.

So far, he hasn't noticed he's in a simulation.

[ sighs ]

Well, cap his sector at 5% processing,

keep his settings on auto, and we'll deal with him later.

Rick Sanchez is the target.

[ inhales deeply ] Got to relax.

It's just a pitch.

Got to relax.

[ click ]

[ static ]

This is Earth radio.

And now, here's... human music.

[ repetitive rhythmic beeping]

Hmm. Human music.

I like it.

[ beeping continues]

[ Rick and Morty panting ]

Rick!

Uhp, uhp, uhp!

Morty, keep your hands off your ding-dong!

It's the only way we can speak freely.

Look around you, Morty.

Do you really think this [burps] world is real?

You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details.

Look... that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs.

MORTY: I don't know, Rick.

I mean, I've seen people do that before.

RICK: Well, look at that old lady.

She's... she's walking a cat on a leash.

Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick.

Look, I-I-I don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Morty!

She's an idiot!

Alright, alright, there.

W-What about that, Morty?

MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one.

Oh, really, Morty?

Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere

in real life before?

No, no. I haven't seen that.

I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside

a toaster, Rick?

I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live.

You know what I mean?

You're missing the point, Morty.

Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels?

I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house?

No.

So, why are they doing this?

W-what do they want?

Well, that would be obvious to you, Morty,

if you'd been paying attention.

[ siren wails ]

[ tires screech ]

We got the President of the United States in here!

We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die!

Concentrated dark matter?

They were asking about that in class.

Yeah, it's a special fuel I invented to travel through

space faster than anybody else.

These Zigerions are always trying to scam me out of my secrets,

but they made a big mistake this time, Morty.

They dragged you into this.

Now they're gonna pay!

What do you... w-w-what are we gonna do?

We'll scam the scammers, Morty.

And we're gonna take them for everything they've got.

JERRY: National Apple Farmers of America,

welcome to our Ad Agency.

I'm Jerry Smith.

Alright.

I'll just... get to the pitch.

Um, simple question, gentlemen, [ hoarsely ] what are apples?

[ clears throat ] Excuse me.

Ahh.

[ coughs, clears throat ]

What are apples?

Apples are food.

And... when do we need food?

When we're hungry.

With that, I give you your new slogan!

[ sighs ]

Well, say something!

Do you like it?

Yes.

You do?

ALL: Yes.

So... I sold it?

[ laughs ] I sold the idea?

ALL: Yes.

Oh, my god! Thank you!

TOGETHER: Thank you.

You're welcome.

[ "Baker Street" plays ]

Hey!

I just sold my first pitch!

[ dialing ]

Slow down! Lookin' good.

My man!

[ beeping, telephone ringing ]

[robot] Hello.

Guess who just sold the apples campaign.

Who just sold the apples campaign?

Me!

I guess it wasn't a rip-off of "Got Milk? " after all.

Guess someone was wrong.

Yes.

Well, all is forgiven, because right now,

I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse,

and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife.

Okay.

Wait... really?

Yes.

Yes! See you in 10 minutes!

[ cellphone beeps ] Hey!

I'm going to make love to my wife!

Lookin' good.

Slow down!

My man!

[ beeping ]

Aw, geez, Rick.

I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know?

I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency

to make me really nervous.

Morty, relax.

It's just a bunch of 1s and 0s out there.

You're gonna be fine.

Just follow my lead.

Yo, deejay, drop that beat.

[ hip-hop beat plays ]

[ cheers and applause ]

Uh-oh, Morty.

This crowd looks too small for one of our famous rap concerts.

I don't think we can perform our new song,

"The Recipe for Concentrated Dark Matter,"

for a crowd this tiny.

You got that right, Rick.

[ cheers and applause ]

RICK: Now that's [burps] more like it!

Morty, here we go.

Let me hear everybody say "Hey-oh!" yeah!

[ crowd cheering ]

All the ladies say, "Yeah!"

[ ladies cheering ]

Everybody over 30, do this with your hands!

Everybody with a red shirt, jump up and down!

[ beeping ]

[ tires screech ]

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Yeah, don't move.

Mm, mm, mm, mm!

Mm!

[ cheers and applause ]

Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L"

who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times

as the square root of your age times 10!

[ beeping ]

Run, Morty!

Before the system reboots!

[ squeaking ]

JERRY: Yeah! You like that?

Now who's unremarkable?

You hungry for apples?

[ squeaking intensifies ]

Are you hungry... for... apples?!

[ squeaking stops ]

[ sighs deeply ]

[ chuckles ]

Oh, my god.

That's the best sex I've ever had in my life.

It's... it's... too good.

I don't deserve this, Beth.

I'm a fraud.

Oh, man, Rick!

W-W-W-Where we running to?

Out of the simulation, Morty.

Normally, the chamber operates like a treadmill,

with the virtual world disappearing behind us

and being rendered in front of us as we move through it,

but while it's frozen, Morty, we can get to...

the edge.

Here we go.

Holy crap!

Come on, Morty.

[ grunts ]

Sir, they're over the edge.

Yes, they are.

Just... as... planned.

[ evil laughter ]

Oh, this is going to be such a mindfu--!

Keep your eyes peeled for the central processing room, Morty.

That's how we're gonna scam these idiots.

So, hey, why do these aliens keep coming after you, Rick,

if you're so much smarter than them?

It's an obsession for them at this point.

The Zi[burps]gerions have been trying to outsmart

me for years, Morty.

Every time they do, I'm one step ahead of them.

Aha!

Here we go.

Grab as many processors as you can carry, Morty.

These guys aren't good at much,

but they're really good at making these chips.

RICK: I've got so many, I can barely hold them all.

[ chuckles ]

Look at... look at this.

Oops. I dropped one.

Don't worry about it, Morty.

There's plenty of them, you little goofball.

[ both laugh ]

Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha!

Come on, quit it, Rick!

Quit it! [ laughs ]

Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every

now and then, little fella.

[ glass shatters ]

Wow. What do you know?

Huh. That was easy.

Totes malotes, dawg.

Just kind of hard to believe, you know?

Believe it, Morty.

And once again, I'm flying away with everything I can carry,

and the Zigerions got nothing of mine.

[ sighs ]

Mr. Marklevitz, do you have a...

minute to talk?

[ snaps fingers ] Yes.

Look, I'm a fraud.

I mean, let's face it...

"Hungry For Apples" is just a rip-off of "Got Milk?"

It's almost identical.

[ snaps fingers ] Yes.

[ sighs ] Okay.

I deserve that.

Umm... I guess... I'll just pack up my desk.

[ snaps fingers ] Yes.

[ crying ]

[ sobbing ] Oh, my god.

Wait. You know what?! No!

The milk people don't have a patent on

simple rhetorical questions!

There's not even a single word in "Hungry For Apples" that's

shared by "Got Milk?"

It's a completely different slogan.

It's different!

And I shouldn't be fired.

I should be promoted!

- [ snaps fingers ] Yes. - Yeah!

Wait. Really?

- [ snaps fingers ] Yes. - Yes!

I mean, I'm... it may be derivative,

but it's the most successful campaign to come out of this

agency in a long time.

[ snaps fingers ] Yes.

I-I'm not saying it should win an award for commercials,

but it could certainly be nominated for an award

for commercials specifically about apples,

like... an Appley or something.

[ snaps fingers ] Yes.

Is there really an award called the Appley

for Apple-Related ad campaigns?

[ snaps fingers ] Yes.

- Could we nominate me? - [ snaps fingers ] Yes.

Holy crap!

[ beeping ]

Get in, Morty.

I'm gonna [burps] be able to use these processors to make some

real important science stuff.

[ keypad beeping ]

Huh.

I thought I entered the code right.

[ keypad beeping ]

Wha... well, what's this?

W-What could this possibly be?

Because it looks like you're inside a simulation...

inside a simulation.

You're still on the ship.

Game-day bucket go boom.

Sir, the, uh, doctor's appointment to examine the

discoloration on your butthole flaps was...

Too loud, Cynthia.

Too loud and too specific.

Uhh...

[ chuckles ]

We've known how to make concentrated dark matter

for a long time.

But now we also know the code to your fabled safe, Rick Sanchez!

All your most valuable secrets will now be ours!

Uh, yeah, until I get home before you and change the

combination, you bunch of idiots!

That is why you're never getting home.

Get them!

[ grunts ]

[ aliens shouting, groaning ]

Run, Morty!

[ both panting ]

Oh, my god!

[ beep, click ]

[ mechanical breathing ]

Ow!

[ click, whoosh ]

[ aliens screaming ]

[ both panting ]

I got to tell you, this morning,

I didn't even know this award existed.

Now I'm holding one.

And... um...

look, I want to say that today was the best day of my life...

but... the truth is, it's... it's more meaningful than that.

MAN: My man!

Yes. Thank you, sir.

[ sighs deeply ]

I...am... finally complete!

[ beeping ]

My... my... my... my man!

Aah!

What the hell?!

[ beeping ]

No.

- Jerry?! - Dad!

What are you doing here?

W-Why are you dressed like a waiter?

Screw it. We don't have time.

Come on.

[ sobbing ] No!

[ alarm blaring ]

Ohhhhh!

[ beeping ] Aah!

ALL: Yes! Yes! Yes!

Oof!

Man up, Jerry!

I may need you to work the lasers.

[ beeping ]

[ slurps ]

[ gasps ]

[ alarm blaring ]

Oh, man! They're hot on our tail, Rick!

I guess they really do have concentrated dark matter.

Well, you know how to make it, too, right, Rick?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh, check the engine room.

We just need Cesium, Plutonic Quarks, and bottled water.

It's all here, Rick!

Wow, Morty. Lucky break.

Grab that bucket.

Okay, two parts Plutonic Quarks, one part Cesium.

Okay. Uh-huh.

[ fizzing ]

Alright.

Now empty the water bottle into the bucket and pour

it all into the fuel tank so we can get the hell out of here!

What are you doing, Morty?!

There's no time!

[ beeping ]

[ stammering ]

Oh, no.

What the...

No!

[ laughter ]

Oh, my god, Rick.

How dumb are you?

You're inside a simulation...

of a simulation...

inside another giant simulation!

[ laughs ]

W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter.

But we do now!

We do now, sucka!

You simulated my grandson's genitalia?!

Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches!

Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project.

You said you weren't gonna tell anyone!

I'm never gonna live this down, am I?

Alright. Okay. Alright, great. Wonderful.

You win. Can we go home now?

I don't know. Can you?

Ha! Nice.

Okay, okay.

Show this gullible turd to his shuttle.

I'm done with him.

Oh, wait. Let me get a picture.

[ shutter clicks ]

Aww. Look at his face.

He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still.

Are you, Rick?

Are you?

[ laughs ]

You're not.

Or are you?

Oh, a-and, by the way, I don't have discolored butthole flaps.

That was part of the simulation.

Oh.

Uh, sir, should I cancel that appointment, then?

Yeah! Of course you should!

[ chuckles ]

No, keep it.

Move it up, actually, if you can.

RICK: Hey, Jerry, don't worry about it.

So what if the most meaningful day of your life was a

simulation operating at minimum cap[burps]acity?

You know what, Rick?

Those guys took you for a ride, too.

You should try having a little respect for the dummies of the Universe,

now that you're one of us.

Maybe you're right, Jerry.

Maybe you're right.

[ aliens cheering ]

[ dance music plays ] Alright, everybody.

Two parts Plutonic Quarks...

One part Cesium...

[ fizzing ]

A-And listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier.

I-I couldn't ask for a better staff.

I love you guys, and I love all your families.

And the final ingredient...

JERRY: Whoa!

What the hell?! W-What happened back there?

Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry?

Oh, yeah. [ burps ] you can't.

They blew up.

[ sighs ]

[ beep ]

[ "Baker Street" plays]

[ vocalizing ]

[ vocalizing out of sync ]

[ "Baker Street" continues ]

JERRY: So...

what do you think?

You're fired.

Wha...

But t-this idea was tested in a state-of-the-art simulation.

Well, then, it was a terrible simulation.

Get out.

[ door opens, closes ]

Man, how does a guy like that go home and have sex with his wife?

Hey, Morty.

What?

Hey, little buddy.

H-H-How you doing in here right now?

Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man?

Y-Y-You're a good kid, Morty.

Y-You're a real l-little c-character, Morty.

Oh, boy.

You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty.

You're my little friend, aren't you?

[ sighs ]

We had some good times together, huh, M-Morty?

We... you're a real true hero out in the field.

You're a li... you're a real trooper, huh, M-M-Morty?

Have you been drinking, Rick?

I really appreciate you, Morty.

O-okay, cool.

- A-Alright, Rick... - You little son of a bitch!

Y-Y... are you a simulation?!

Huh?! Are you a simulation?!

No! No! No!

You little son of a bitch!

[ gasping ]

I-I-I'm sorry, Morty.

Y-You're a good... you're a good kid, Morty.

Geez!

Y-You're a good... you're a good kid.

Oh, my god!

[ snoring ]

W-W-What the hell?

What a life.

Did you get any of that?

It's a good-a show!