Original subtitles

♪♪

♪ Bye, bye, Birdie ♪

♪ I'm gonna miss you so ♪

♪ Bye, bye, Birdie ♪

♪ Why'd ya have to go ♪

♪ Bye, bye ♪

♪ No more sunshine ♪ ♪ Sunshine ♪

♪ It's followed you away ♪ ♪ You away ♪

♪ I'll cry, Birdie ♪ ♪ Birdie ♪

♪ Till you're home to stay ♪

♪ I'll miss the way you smile As though it's just for me ♪

♪ And each and every night I'll write you faithfully ♪

♪ Bye, bye, Birdie ♪

♪ It's awful hard to bear ♪

♪ Bye, bye, Birdie ♪

♪ Guess I'll always care ♪

♪ Guess I'll always care ♪♪

Look! Look!

I'm gonna enter you in Washington.

Hey! Hey! Ho! Hey!

Look! Look! Hey! Oooh, hey!

♪ We love you, Conrad ♪

♪ Oh, yes, we do ♪

♪ We love you, Conrad ♪

♪ And we'll be true ♪

♪ When you're not near us ♪

♪ We're blue ♪

♪ Oh, Conrad We love you ♪

♪ We love you, Conrad ♪

This is John Daly reporting with the CBS mobile unit...

in front of the nation's capital...

bringing you special on-the-spot coverage of our current teenage crisis...

over the drafting of Conrad Birdie.

Sociologists agree that Birdie is a phenomenon.

And for those few music lovers who have never attended one of his concerts,

here are some news photos tracing his meteoric rise.

And that-that is our army's newest weapon.

Private Birdie reports for his induction in ten days.

His income drops from two million dollars a year...

to $78 a month.

It could only happen in America.

Why?

Why did they have to draft him?

Just when I finally write a song he's gonna do.

The title song of his next picture.

"Mumbo Jumbo Gooey Gumbo."

Now there's no picture.

There's nothing.

Albert, I have your financial statement if you really want to hear it.

Total assets: $312.08.

Liabilities: $4,030.00

You-

Confidentially, you're a fiscal fiasco.

Good-bye, Albert.

It's a sad ending to a long association.

Yeah. Oh, don't you wanna say good-bye to Pidge?

Almaelou's busted, Pidge. Better get yourself another meal ticket.

In six years, I never sold one lousy song.

Maybe they weren't lousy enough.

I don't care so much about myself,

but I'm my mother's sole support.

I've wasted every cent my father left Mama-

It's not your fault. Your mother wants you to be a songwriter.

You can make a good living as a biochemist.

That's a wonderful profession. But Mama, she wants-

Just because she was once in vaudeville doesn't mean that you belong in show business.

Confidentially, I respect my mother, but I do what I want.

Well, Mama's sensitive. When I upset her, she faints.

Why, with your ideas, you can make a fortune in chemistry.

Chemistry. Chemistry. Chemistry!

You sound like Rosie. Where is she? Where's Rosie?

She phoned. she heard about Birdie being drafted. Said she was gonna see Ed Sullivan.

Sure, to get another job.

Oh, fine secretary. Why, we have been practically engaged!

Just waiting for an okay from Mama.

Now when I hit bottom, Rosie deserts me.

Quits before my body's even warm.

Ed Sullivan!

Would you send in Rosie De Leon, please.

I-Is it yes, Mr. Sullivan? It's just got to be yes.

Rosie, it is yes.

Oh, hallelujah! Oh, I love you!

Oh, that's marvelous! Oh, I love you too! I'm so glad!

Miss De Leon. I'd like you to meet our producer Bob Precht.

- Oh, hi, how are you? - Well, it's my pleasure.

You know, Rosie, if you can overcome your shyness, tell me,

what's our using Birdie on the show got to do with you?

Let's face it, I'm a scheming woman. I have a promotion idea that'll knock you out.

If you buy it, I want a little favor.

All right, let's try it on for size.

How'd you like a terrific buildup before the show...

that'll have every TV set tuned in to you next Sunday?

We will have. After all, we've got the Moscow Ballet and Birdie.

- This is bigger. - Bigger.

Before Conrad Birdie goes into the army, he bestows a farewell kiss on all the swooning girls...

who worship him on your TV show.

After all, it's only an hour show and Birdie only gets four minutes.

He kisses them all symbolically.

- What'd you say? - Symbolically.

- Actually, he'll only kiss one girl. - He kisses only one girl?

Can't you see it? Birdie, their idol, their leader,

kissing one fabulously lucky teenage tessie?

- Yeah! Yeah! - It'll melt every bobby pin in America.

It's gigantic! The newspapers'll eat it up. Think of the advance publicity.

Rosie, get Birdie's fan club file right away, and get us a girl from Ohio.

Gotcha.

Bob, we'll do it from the stage of the outdoor theater,

- Columbus, Ohio, right after the Ballet. - I'll get the girl.

The network will handle all the physical details.

And after the kiss, Birdie sings a big song.

And that's where Rosie gets her payoff.

I don't get it. The song is "One Last Kiss."

- Never heard of it. - Hasn't been written yet.

And who is going to write this classic?

Who else, but my future husband, Mr. Albert F. Peterson?

Who else?

Oh, Birdie's been wanting to give Albert a break for six years.

I know he'll use the song if you say so.

Okay, in a spot like this, any song will do,

even though it's written by your ever-loving Albert.

Thank you, Mr. Sullivan.

You know with a plug like this, that song'll sell a million records.

Man, what royalties!

Well, we can sure use the money.

Any day now, Albert and I will have another mouth to feed. Rosie.

- You're not even married yet. - His mother.

- Oh? - Bye.

Carmine, get me the publishing department right away!

This batch'll do. Get 'em ready for mailing right away.

- Hi, Marge. - Hi.

- I need one of your fans from Ohio. - You can have 'em all.

- Try file number six. - Okay.

Uh, six-Here we go. I'm about to make some ga-ga little goof a queen.

Hey, cute.

Long distance. I want, uh... Miss Kim McAfee, Sweet Apple 135, Sweet Apple, Ohio.

Oh, Marge, it's amazing what a woman has to do to get a man to marry her.

- You mean you doped Albert's mother? - No.

But if this doesn't work, that's my next move.

What, operator? The line's busy. Well, um, uh, never mind.

I'll try later. Thank you.

Oh, Marge, right now, there's a kid named Kim McAfee...

in Sweet Apple, Ohio, gabbing on the telephone,

but little does she realize I'm about to make her immortal.

Hello? - Hello, Urse? This is Kim.

And if I don't tell somebody, I'm just gonna burst.

So, Ursula, you are the very first to know.

I just got pinned by Hugo Peabody.

Oh, no! Kim McAfee, you didn't! You really got pinned?

You mean you and Hugo have a permanent understanding?

Uh-huh. Oh, it's Hugo and I... forever.

Crazy, crazy! Tell me, Kim.

How do you absolutely feel... in your deepest, secret soul?

It's like- It's like I've been reborn.

It's like all my life until this very moment, I was nothing.

- It's like... Kim, I must use the phone. I've got to call Grandma.

In a second, Mom. Hey, listen, Ursula, I'm gonna have to get off.

- Where was I? - You were nothing.

Oh, yeah. And now I'm alive.

Fulfilled.

Now I know what it means to be a woman.

It should only happen to me.

Kim, where did he pin you?

On the back seat. Oh, bless that lovely yellow school bus.

Kim, hurry, please.

Yeah, hang up, Kim, so I can spread the word.

Okay, bye, Urse.

♪ Hi, Nancy ♪ ♪ Hi, Ursula ♪

♪ What's the story morning glory ♪

♪ What's the tale nightingale ♪

♪ Did you hear about Hugo and Kim ♪

♪ Hi, Margie ♪

♪ Hi, Alice What's the story morning glory ♪

♪ What's the word, hummingbird Have you heard about Hugo and Kim ♪

♪ Did they really get pinned Did she kiss him and cry ♪

♪ Did he pin the pin on Or was he too shy ♪

♪ Well, I heard they got pinned ♪ ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I was hopin' they would ♪ ♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ Now they're livin' at last ♪ ♪ He's gone ♪ ♪ Goin' steady for good ♪

♪ Hello, Mr. Henkel This is Harvey Johnson ♪

♪ Can I talk to Penelope Ann ♪

♪ Is it true about Kim ♪ ♪ Penelope ♪

♪ I just knew it somehow ♪ ♪ About the prom ♪

♪ I must call her right up ♪ ♪ Saturday ♪

♪ I can't talk to you now ♪

♪ Goin' steady ♪ ♪ You know it, man ♪

♪ Goin' steady ♪ ♪ It's crazy, man ♪

♪ Goin' steady ♪ ♪ You know it ♪

♪ It won't last ♪

♪ Not at all ♪

♪ He's too thin ♪

♪ She's too tall ♪

♪ Hello, Mrs. Miller This is Harvey Johnson ♪

♪ Can I speak to Debra Sue ♪

♪ Hiya, Hugo Hiya, stupid ♪

♪ What'd ya wanna go get pinned for ♪ ♪ You don't know how to live ♪

♪ You meathead ♪ ♪ You'd get pinned if you could ♪

♪ Lost your marbles ♪ ♪ Kim and I are in love ♪

- ♪ Are you nutty ♪ - ♪ Goin' steady for- ♪

♪ Hello, Mrs. Garfein ♪ ♪ Is Charity homefrom school yet ♪

♪ Did they really get pinned ♪ ♪ Goin' steady ♪ ♪ He's gone ♪

♪ I was hopin' they would ♪ ♪ Goin' steady ♪ ♪ He's gone ♪

♪ They're livin' at last ♪ ♪ Goin' steady for good ♪ ♪ She nailed him ♪

♪ If ya gotta go That's the way to go ♪

♪ When they got you hooked Then you're really cooked ♪ ♪ Ooo-ooo ♪

♪ Whatcha gonna do Whatcha gonna do ♪ ♪ Ooo-ooo ♪

♪ Well, I heard they got pinned ♪ ♪ Oh, man ♪

♪ I was thinkin' they would ♪ ♪ Oh, man ♪

♪ Now they're livin' at last Goin' steady for good ♪ ♪ Oh, man ♪

♪ Goin' steady, goin' steady goin' steady for good ♪ ♪ Ooo, ooo, ooo ♪

♪ He's in love with Kim Kim's in love with him ♪

♪ Well, well, do tell ♪ ♪ Goin' steady, Goin' steady for good ♪

♪ Well, well, do tell ♪ ♪ Goin' steady, Goin' steady for good ♪

♪ That's the way it should be ♪ ♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ They'll be happy, I know ♪ ♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Goin' steady for me ♪ ♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ That's the way it should go ♪

♪ Goin' steady ♪ ♪ Goin' steady ♪

♪ Steady for good ♪

♪ Goin' steady ♪ ♪ Goin' steady ♪

♪ Steady for good ♪

♪ Goin' steady ♪ ♪ Goin' steady ♪

♪ Steady for ♪

♪ Goin' steady ♪

♪ Oooooh... yeah! ♪♪

Poor Pidge.

He'll starve.

Here, Pidge. Here, Pidgie. Here, boy.

- Albert! - Here, Pidgie.

Albert, no, no! Don't jump! Don't jump!

Albert, it's all right. Everything's all right.

Come on back. Don't worry about-

Come on. Ooh, Albert.

Oh. Oh. Oh, thank heavens I got here in time.

You almost pushed me out.

It's all right. I just came from Ed Sullivan's office.

Sullivan!

- Yes. - Go to work for Ed Sullivan.

Leap from the sinking ship while the house is on fire.

Oh no-

But hear this, Miss De Leon. I was loyal.

All the years I've employed you, I never looked for a job behind your back.

- I went to Sullivan's office- - Don't explain. You owe me nothing.

- Even though you were molded by me. - Molded?

Yeah, like, that Eliza Doolittle got moldy from Pygmalion.

- I was molded? - Where were you when I found you anyway?

Hostess at La Casa Enchilada Taco and Tamale Shop.

Well-Well, sorry I interrupted you!

A man of my ilk does not commit suicide.

I've had just about enough of your kind of ilks too.

Suicide is for cowards. I don't desert the woman I love.

Oh, Albert, I'm- I'm... sorry.

I should have known.

- Mama would never get over it. - Mama?

Mam-

- What's the matter? - I'm the prize dope of all time.

Thinkin' I could pry you away from your Mama's ever-lovin' tentacles.

Rosie, I will thank you to leave my mother out of this. Maybe she does influence me, slightly.

- Slightly? Ha! - She is old and frail.

- Which I will be, too, at this rate. - Oh, I don't blame you, Albert.

I was living in fantasy, telling myself you were serious.

Oh, Rosie, I was.

I am... in here.

Oh, I've thought about marrying you every day,

a lot of nights too.

I've spent six years on Project Albert.

Well, now, I haven't got the right.

I can't offer you security.

A wonderful girl like you,

you deserve more from a husband than just personality and good looks.

But I'll always love you, Rosie.

You'd better always love me, you nut,

because you're stuck with me.

Now, you've always worried about repaying your mother, right?

Well, from now on, she'll be set for life.

She can sit around on her big, fat trust fund and you and I will have our own little house-

No! I don't care what Sullivan pays you, no woman is supporting Albert Peterson.

Oh, you're not listening, darling. I am not a gigolo.

Will you get to that piano and start composing?

- Mary, I want Kim McAfee, Sweet Apple 135, Sweet Apple, Ohio. - I'm through composing.

I was always through, but now I know it.

Yeah, that's right. You're a biochemist, but this is one song you can sell.

- Huh? - Okay, call me back.

- As I was saying, huh? - Gee, you're slow today.

Now, you are going to write a song called "One Last Kiss."

Is this Albert's floor or is it the one below?

"One Last Kiss." Now.

♪ Oh, one last kiss ♪

♪ There never was such bliss ♪

♪ I love your dentifrice ♪♪

- Uh, oh, a little too clinical. - Yeah, you're right.

Albert!

Mama? she's never been to the office since she discovered canasta.

Well, now's a perfect time for you to tell her about dissolving Almaelou-

Yeah.

- And about us. - Yeah.

Albert!

Sonny! Ohh!

- Mama! - Baby!

What a nice surprise. And you're just in time for some wonderful news.

- Oh! - What's the matter?

- It's nothing, son. I just fainted in the subway. - Mama!

But I didn't fall down. It was too crowded.

- I keep tellin' ya, take a taxi. - Taxis?

Taxis are for my successful son.

A dirty, crowded subway is good enough for a mother.

Mothers are nothin' nowadays.

Who's that?

Mama, you know Rose De Leon. And guess what?

This is that pretty Rose De Leon?

Oh, I don't believe it.

Rose, what happened to you?

Ya had a fatal sickness or somethin'?

It's nice to see you again.

Always on the job. She's a credit to the firm.

Look at her, son.

I wonder some older man hasn't snatched her away.

- Personable matron. - Mama, speaking of marriage-

Wonderful institution. Your poor father and I, that was a marriage.

May he rest in peace.

Don't worry, Lou. Our only child is taking care of me.

He'd never do anything to break my heart. What about marriage?

Well, if it was good enough for you and Papa, it's-

In time. You're just a baby.

Hello? Yes, operator, I'll hold on.

I'm thinking of dissolving Almaelou.

Wait, Lou. I'm comin'. I'll be right up there.

We can play canasta again.

- Mama. Mama, forget it. I'm sorry. - You're sorry?

Good-bye, sonny. Take care of yourself. Think of me on Mother's Day.

- Good-bye, Rosie. - Good-bye, Mae.

Call me Mrs. Peterson. Wear your rubbers.

That's right, operator. Miss Kim McAfee.

I'll tell her, Rosie, tonight.

It's entirely up to you, Albert. The line is still busy?

Yes, Hugo. Mm-hmm.

Well, of course I'll always wear it, on everything.

Oh, except my gym blouse. Miss Turgnisht won't allow it.

Tonight? Well, I have no plans. I think I can get out till about ten.

Oh, you have to be in by nine.

Well, c'est la vie.

Until tonight then, mon amour.

Bye.

♪ When you're a skinny child of 15 ♪

♪ Wired with braces from ear to ear ♪

♪ You doubt that you will ever be appealing ♪

♪ Then hallelujah. You are 16 and the braces disappear ♪

♪ And your skin is smooth and clear ♪

♪ And you have that happy grown-up ♪

♪ Female feeling ♪

♪ How lovely to be a woman ♪

♪ The wait was well worthwhile ♪

♪ How lovely to wear mascara ♪

♪ And smile a woman's smile ♪

♪ How lovely to have a figure ♪

♪ That's round instead of flat ♪

♪ Whenever you hear boys whistle ♪

♪ You're what they're whistling at ♪

♪ It's wonderful to feel ♪

♪ The way a woman feels ♪

♪ It gives you such a glow ♪

♪ Just to know you're wearing lipstick and heels ♪

♪ How lovely to be a woman ♪

♪ And have one job to do ♪

♪ To pick out a boy and train him ♪

♪ And then when you are through ♪

♪ You've made him the man you want him ♪

♪ To be ♪

♪ How lovely to be a woman ♪

♪ Like me ♪

♪ How wonderful to know ♪

♪ The things a woman knows ♪

♪ How marvelous to wait for a date ♪

♪ In simply beautiful clothes ♪

♪ How lovely to be a woman ♪

♪ And change from boys to men ♪

♪ To go to a fancy nightclub ♪

♪ And stay out after ten ♪

♪ How lovely to be so grown-up ♪

♪ And free ♪

♪ Life's lovely when you're a woman ♪

♪ Like me ♪♪

Hello? Oh. Oh, hold on, operator.

- Kim, it's for you. she says it's long distance. - Thank you, Doris.

Who could be calling- Did you say "Doris"?

It's the modern way, dear. It makes mother and daughter more like friends.

Harry, I think you took the news about Hugo and I awfully well. Hello?

- She called you "Harry." - Yeah.

Yes, this is Miss Kim McAfee.

Yesterday I was a mother. Today I'm a friend.

- Yes, I'll hold on. - Could call me "Mom"? That's modern.

Times are changing.

You go along or else you're out of it.

Harry, do you have a cigarette? I've run out.

So have I. How 'bout my pipe?

- Hello? - Hello?

- Kim McAfee, I have a great surprise. - Harry. Kids.

You have been selected from all the teenagers in the United States...

to be kissed by Conrad Birdie on The Ed Sullivan Show this Sunday night.

We'll be in touch. Good-bye.

Conrad Birdie?

To kiss me?

Ohhh. Doris!

Mother? Mommy! Mommy!

- Baby, what happened? - Conrad Birdie's coming here to kiss me!

- Oh, isn't that nice. Sit down. - But you don't understand.

Conrad Birdie's coming to Sweet Apple to kiss me!

Oh, Mommy! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Well, I never thought I'd say it, but God bless Conrad Birdie.

Oh, Conrad Birdie! Oh!

Conrad Birdie's coming here to kiss me!

Now, listen. The absolute instant he appears,

now, I'll introduce Kim, to him.

And then we'll all recite our Pledge Of Everlasting Loyalty.

The plane! The plane's almost landed!

♪♪

♪ We love you, Conrad Oh, yes, we do ♪

♪ We love you, Conrad and we'll be true ♪

♪ When you're not near us We're blue ♪

♪ Oh, Conrad we love you ♪

♪ We hate you, Conrad Oh, yes, we do ♪

♪ We don't hate anyone as much as you ♪

♪ You're singing makes us say "p-u" ♪

♪ Oh, Conrad we hate you ♪

♪ We love you, Conrad Oh, yes, we do ♪

♪ We don't hate anyone as much as you ♪

♪ When you're not near us We're blue ♪

- ♪ Oh, Conrad ♪ - ♪ Oh, Conrad ♪

♪ We love you ♪♪ ♪ We hate you ♪♪

Hugo wants to talk to Kim.

Uh, that-that's if it's okay with Kim.

- Certainly, Hugo. - Uh, well, Kim-

Yes?

Hugo, what do you want?

Gee, Kim, the fellas are making me do this,

but just the same, they're right.

Kim, you can't go through with this.

Hugo, please be mature.

Well, gee, doesn't gettin' pinned mean anything these days?

Ohh. It means everything. It's sacred.

Well, then how can you let another man kiss you? A-And in public?

- I assure you, I won't even feel it. - Huh?

- I'm just a symbol. - A symbol?

Ah, don't you see? This is bigger than us.

Why, all this publicity for Sweet Apple.

Thousands of people will move here.

We'll have a population explosion.

And just think what this'll do for your father's undertaking business.

Hey! Hey, yeah, you're right.

But you really don't go for that Birdie creep. Do ya?

What do my eyes tell you?

No, you don't. I can see you're all mine.

Forever.

Starting right after the Ed Sullivan Show on Sunday night.

Right after The Ed Sullivan Show on Sunday night.

Hey, we'll be late!

One, two, three-♪ We love you, Conrad Oh, yes, we do ♪

♪ We love you, Conrad and we'll be true ♪

- ♪ When you're not ne-♪♪ - ♪ When you're not near us we're blue ♪

♪ Oh, Conrad We love you ♪♪

Well, uh, I told her off, guys. She knows where I stand.

But she's leaving. Yeah, but that's only to make the population explode.

Anyone for the reception, kids?

Gee, Mr. Paisley, we think you're okay, even if you are the English teacher.

Well, it should be a fascinating experience.

Yeah, but are you with them?

With "them"?

Yeah, that Birdie creep. He's poisoned our women.

It's bad enough the Mayor's a fink, but you, Mr. Paisley.

Well, you see, fellas, as a teacher and a brand-new American citizen...

with an unquenchable thirst for knowledge,

I feel I should witness this unique, sociological phenomenon, hmm?

Yeah, guys, suppose I- suppose I did let Kim kiss him.

I only wanna see- a, uh, um, unique-

a so-uh, soci- phenomenon.

Hugo the fink!

So long, fink! Fink!

Fink! What a fink!

♪♪

Here are the gentlemen from the press. I'll handle them. You go find the Mayor.

- We want him! We want him! - Kim. Kim.

Here's your speech. Learn it, and hurry.

We want him! We want him!

Look this way, please.

What's your name? - Conrad Birdie.

- No, no, your name. - Oh.

Um, um... McAfee. Kim.

Kim McAfee.

She doesn't even know her name.

♪♪

We want him! We want him!

We want him! We want him! We want him. Eeew!

We want him! We want him!

I beg your pardon. May I add a welcome from Sweet Apple.

I'm Claude Paisley. Kim McAfee's my student in English.

- Oh, how do you do? I'm Rose De Leon. - Nice to know you.

- Uh, and you're, uh- - Hugo.

- Oh, I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you. - Hugo Fink.

Oh, hello, Mr. Fink. How are you?

Please don't think me forward, but if you should have any spare time during your visit,

I-I'd appreciate discussing Mr. Birdie with you.

Well, uh...

I'm afraid I'll be very busy.

Uh, but thank you.

Ow! Watch it, rube, don't bend the fur.

He's coming!

Look, everybody, he's coming! Here he comes!

♪♪

♪ We love you, Conrad Oh, yes, we do ♪

♪ We love you, Conrad and we'll be true ♪

♪ When you're not near us we're blue ♪

♪ Oh, Conrad We love you ♪

♪ We love you, Conrad Oh, yes, we do ♪

♪ We love you, Conrad and we'll be true ♪

♪ When you're not near us We're blue ♪

♪ Oh, Conrad We love you ♪♪

Before you hear from the girl upon whom you have chosen...

to bestow your final kiss upon, we will now recite the Conrad Birdie pledge.

I, being of sound mind and body,

do hereby promise...

to be loyal, courteous, steadfast and true...

to Conrad Birdie and the United States of America,

both indivisible,

with liberty and justice for all.

As the fortunate girl whom you have selected...

to represent all my fellow girls,

I welcome you.

- Now, Mayor, now. - Oh.

And now I present this key to our city,

to our honored guest, uh, Conrad Birdie.

He said it! He said the name!

What happened? All I said was "Conrad Birdie."

Now, now, girls, you're gonna have to stop that, or I- or I can't finish my speech.

Who cares about your speech?

We wanna hear Conrad!

He's not so much.

♪♪

♪ You gotta be sincere ♪

- Ohhh. - Edna! What's wrong?

♪ Ya gotta be sincere ♪

Birdie! What are you doing?

♪ Ya gotta feel it here ♪

♪ 'Cause if you feel it here ♪

♪ Well, then you're gonna be ♪

♪ Honestly ♪

♪ Sincere ♪

♪ If what you feel is true ♪

♪ You really feel it You make them feel it too ♪

♪ Write this down now You gotta be sincere ♪

♪ Honestly sincere ♪

♪ Man, you gotta be ♪

♪ Sincere ♪

♪ If you're really sincere If you're really sincere ♪

♪ If you feel it in here Then it's gotta be right ♪

Oh, baby Oh, honey ♪

♪ Hug me ♪

♪ Ah, suffer ♪

♪ In everything I do ♪

♪ Why, my sincerity shows through ♪

♪ Yeah, I look you in the eye ♪

♪ I don't even have to try It's automatic ♪

♪ I'm sincere ♪

♪ When I sing about a tree ♪

♪ Listen, why I really feel that tree ♪

♪ Yeah, when I sing about a girl I really feel that girl ♪

♪ I mean I really feel ♪

♪ Sincere ♪

♪ Why, if you're really sincere ♪

♪ If you're really sincere If you feel it in here ♪

♪ Then it's gotta be right Oh, baby ♪

♪ Oh, honey ♪

♪ Hug me Ah, suffer ♪

Yeah, here we go now!

♪ Why, you gotta be sincere ♪

♪ Oh, you gotta feel it here Oh, my baby ♪

♪ Oh, my baby Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, my baby Aw, yeah ♪

♪ Go, girl, go ♪

Angela! Angela! What are you doing?

♪ Are ya gonna be sincere ♪

- ♪ Are ya gonna be sincere ♪

Yeah!

- ♪ Are ya gonna be sincere Are ya gonna be sincere ♪

Yeah!

- ♪ Are ya gonna be sincere Are you gonna be sincere ♪

Yeah!

♪ Oh, my baby Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, my baby Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Are ya gonna be sincere Are you gonna be sincere ♪

♪ Oh, my baby Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, my baby Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, my baby Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, my baby ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪♪

♪ We love you, Conrad ♪

♪ Oh, yes, we do ♪

♪ We love you, Conrad ♪

♪ And we'll be true ♪

♪ When you're not near us ♪

♪ We're blue ♪

♪ Oh, Conrad ♪

♪ We love you ♪

Randolph, your father's warned you. If you make another bomb, you'll get spanked.

- It was an accident, Mom. - Oh! Now, get this stuff out of here.

♪ We love you, Conrad ♪

Doris. Doris!

♪ And we'll be true ♪

♪ When you're not near us ♪♪ - Doris, what's going on here?

Harry, where have you been since supper?

In plenty of trouble, but I'm not now. No siree.

You kids, go home before I sic the constable on you!

Go on! Get that carnival off my front lawn!

I'll show 'em who's boss here!

Harry McAfee's not gonna be pushed around by any roll and rocker. That's for sure.

- Harry, they'll hear you. - Ah, let 'em hear me.

- Put those chemicals away and go to bed! - Yes, Papa.

We're in trouble. He can't stand Conrad living here.

Especially around his pretty young daughter.

She's still under the magic spell.

Dear little Conrad certainly has a devastating impact.

He might make a terrific soldier.

Turn him loose and the enemy'll twitch itself to death.

I don't care. I've changed my mind.

My daughter is not gonna be publicly kissed by that-that wiggler. The deal is off.

But, dear, you know these adolescents. Kim'll lose face.

And if I don't get rid of that Birdie, that's not all she'll-

Now, hear this. I have decided...

that bunch of grafters is getting outta here!

That is the unshakable decree that I have made as head of this household! So you upstairs and tell 'em.

Me? How can I tell Mr. Peterson and that nice Miss De Leon-

Nice? Ha-ha! I know that show business crowd. Probably livin' in sin.

Harry Lionel McAfee!

I never told you. One summer I worked with the circus. Oh, those midgets, wild.

Not another word.

She's been engaged to Peterson for six years. Don't tell me-

- We were engaged for five years. - He's not as stupid as I was.

Are you stupid, Pop?

Find out for yourself! That's the trouble with kids today: lazy!

Will you go up? Get up to bed!

Oh, Harry, they'll be gone day after tomorrow.

I'm a peace-loving man.

A good father and husband.

And the result, the home that I hewed out of this wilderness...

with my bare hands is no longer mine.

Tonight, I had to wait until 6:00 for my supper.

And that Peterson grafter, running up my phone bill with long distance calls!

- He offered to reimburse you. - I don't take Diner's Club cards!

And then that snake in a gold suit insists on parking in-

in my beautiful living room! Yech!

- You know where I've just been? - Where?

To a meeting with the big boys. Kelsey, Judge Blanch, Joe Kipp, my biggest customers.

They don't approve of this kind of notorious goings-on.

Darling, they put pressure on you?

If I don't cancel this whole Birdie deal,

- they'll starve me right out of business. - Oh, my heavens!

It's, it's, it's them or, or us.

- What happened? - Are you all right?

- What's wrong? - Just some of Randolph's chemicals.

A mixture of Iron Sulfide, plus two parts H2SO4.

Smart boy you have there. It isn't every lad who can make a stench bomb.

- Which brings me to Mr. Birdie. - Mr. Peterson is really a biochemist.

- I couldn't care less. - Yes, I am. I have one formula...

which is miraculous in its ability to increase the work output of domestic animals.

About this Birdie-

It speeds up the reflexes so that an ox could outrun a racehorse.

By adding in his formula, a hen will lay three eggs a day.

Three eggs a day? If that's so, you can make a million-

I've been nursing this compound for a year. Still needs more tests, but it works.

- Uh, aren't you in farming? - He's McAfee Fertilizer.

- Oh, yes. - Been in it for 20 years.

- Really? - But I may be out if-

If you and Albert got together, you could revolutionize farm production.

Would you like a demonstration? Do you have a hen?

- Uh, how about trying it on that? - A tortoise. I don't know.

Sure. It won't bite. Here, let me.

Of course, there isn't much demand for turtle eggs, but, uh...

if it really works on farm animals maybe you and me could do some business.

I'll sure need something if I let Kim go through with this Birdie stuff.

Some of Harry's customers are against it.

- So I've decided it's absolutely out of the question. - Oh, your neighbors are going...

to be thrilled when they see the two of you on The Ed Sullivan Show.

- The Ed- - The Ed Sullivan Show.

- We, uh-we were saving that as a surprise. - Yes, a surprise.

- Me, me on Ed Sullivan? - Oh, I'd die. What would I wear?

Oh, we'll find something. Gee, Ed sullivan.

He's my favorite human. That's why I decided to let Kim go on in the first place.

Me on The Ed Sullivan Show?

♪ Ed Sullivan ♪

Me, Harry McAfee, appearing with-

♪ Ed Sullivan ♪

♪ Ed Ed Sullivan ♪

♪ Ed ♪

♪ Ed Sullivan ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪ ♪ Ed Sullivan ♪

♪ Ed Ed ♪

♪ Sull Sull ♪

♪ Ed Sullivan ♪

♪ We're gonna be on Ed Sullivan ♪

♪ How could any family be ♪

♪ Half as fortunate as we ♪

♪ We'll be coast-to-coast ♪

♪ With our favorite host ♪

♪ Ed Sullivan ♪

♪ We're gonna be on Ed Sullivan ♪

♪ Ooo-oooh ♪

I've got a wonderful wife. Two swell kids. ♪ Ooo-ooh ♪

A good business. And now this.

♪ Someday we'll recall ♪

♪ The greatest day of all ♪

Ed, I love you.

♪ Ed sullivan ♪♪

Hello? Oh, yes.

Harry, it's the Mayor. He sounds mad.

I'll handle this.

Yes? Yes, Mayor.

Yes, the boys talked to me. Yep, I've decided.

Birdie stays right here.

And Kim's on TV.

And what's more, I'm gonna be on the show too.

With Eddie Sullivan.

Now, listen, Harry. You saw what that crazy galoot did at the reception.

It was a disgrace!

Uh, look, Mayor, you're gonna be on TV too.

They want you to make a speech.

They want me...

on Ed Sullivan?

A short speech. Why, sure.

I could become a statewide face.

It's a deal, Mayor.

Sure, I'll plug you up for governor.

Bye, Sam.

What a hambo.

Well, it's, uh-it's been a long day, so I think we'll-

I'm thinkin' of callin' 'em "speed-Up." You like it, Mr. McAfee?

"Feed Up With Speed-Up." I love it, partner.

- How will Randolph ever catch his tortoise? - Just give him one of these.

Hi, Mr. McAfee. Gee, I just wanted to thank you.

My dad said you're not letting Kim go on TV and kiss that-That!

It can't be true! Oh, Mr. McAfee,

you wouldn't destroy Kim, your own flesh and blood.

Oh, sure he would. A father has a right. Right?

Hugo, my daughter's old enough to make her own decisions.

So, I've decided to let her do it.

Well, in that case, your daughter's the former future Mrs. Hugo Peabody.

- Oh, Hugo, stop acting like a child. - Kim!

- Where is he? Can I see him? - Conrad's asleep, poor dear.

You may peek through his keyhole, while I-

while I discuss this tempest in a tea bag with Hugo.

You're lucky people.

What'd we ever do to deserve such a daughter?

We got married.

Marriage.

But, Kim-Yeah, but, Kim-I don't have time for debate.

Ursula's waiting. I've gotta learn my speech for tomorrow's rehearsal.

Wait a minute, Kim. Don't go yet, please.

Gee, you don't know what I've been through with all the guys buggin' me.

- Well, about you and that Birdie creep. - Oh, that.

- Yeah, that! - Well, that's silly.

Aw, he means nothing to me.

♪ One boy ♪

♪ One special boy ♪

♪ One boy to go with ♪

♪ To talk with and walk with ♪

♪ One boy ♪

♪ That's the way it should be ♪

Yeah. Yeah! That's the way it should be.

♪ One boy ♪

♪ One certain boy ♪

♪ One boy to laugh with ♪

♪ To joke with Have Coke with ♪

♪ One boy ♪

♪ Not two or three ♪

♪ One day ♪

♪ You'll find out ♪

♪ This is what life is all about ♪

♪ You need someone who ♪

♪ Is living ♪

♪ Just for you ♪

♪ One boy ♪

♪ One steady boy ♪

♪ One boy to be with ♪

♪ Forever and ever ♪

♪ One boy ♪

♪ That's the way it should be ♪

Now, is that the kiss of a woman interested in any other man?

I don't know. How do I tell?

- Aw, but he made you faint! - Oh, he did not!

I-I was just exhausted cramming for my English exam.

Hugo. Hugo, you-you've got to try to understand me...

as a woman.

Now, I might like Conrad as a friend.

But when it comes to the real thing-

oh, the grand passion-

well, that's something special, Hugo.

That's you.

♪ One day ♪

♪ You'll find out ♪

♪ This is what life is all about ♪

♪ You need someone who ♪

♪ Is living ♪

♪ Just for you ♪

♪ One boy ♪

♪ One steady boy ♪

♪ One boy to be with ♪

♪ Forever and ever ♪

♪ One boy ♪

♪ That's the way it should be ♪

♪ That's the way ♪

♪ It should be ♪

Homework! Hey, I got homework to do!

Come on.

♪ When will he find out ♪

♪ This is what life is all about ♪

♪ Will he ever see ♪

♪ I need him ♪

♪ And he needs me ♪

♪ One boy ♪ ♪ One special boy ♪

♪ One special boy ♪ ♪ One boy ♪

♪ To be with always ♪ ♪ One boy to be with ♪

♪ Forever and ever ♪ ♪ Forever ♪

♪ I love him ♪ ♪ One boy ♪

♪ I love him so ♪ ♪ That's the way it should be ♪

♪ That's the way it should be ♪

♪ That's the way ♪

♪ It should be ♪♪

Hello, Sweet Apple Drive-In. I'm looking for my mother, Mrs. Peterson.

Are you sure there's no one left in your drive-in? Okay, thank you.

Don't worry, partner. Your mother'll get along fine.

Sweet Apple's full of friendly folk.

Oh, if anything happens to her, I'll never forgive myself.

What kind of a dump is this? - Dump?

Conrad. Let's humor him, partner. If he walks off The Sullivan Show, we're sunk.

Gotcha.

I can't find no church key in my room.

Church key? We've had a church here, but it's open.

A can opener, man. Sheesh. You're from nowhere-like.

Well, that's my favorite brand.

Well, it's, uh... bedtime, huh, Conrad?

Okay, for tonight. But tomorrow's saturday.

And that's my real tense night.

Thanks, Mr. McAfee.

The next time I have a daughter, I hope it's a boy.

I am a lucky man, though, Albert.

Meetin' up with a biochemical wizard.

Peterson and McAfee are goin' right to the moon.

I've got to. Not just for my mother, for Rosie.

Well, I guess I'll get a little air and turn in.

Take all the air you want, chum.

Hi, Rosie.

Rosie, you don't have to worry about Mama. She'll show up.

- I'm certain she will. - Well, then you oughta be happy.

Kim's on the show. Conrad does my song. I promise I'll tell Mama about us.

Come on.

♪♪

♪ Why look so awfully tragic ♪

♪ Put on a happy face ♪

♪ Smiling can work like magic ♪

♪ Put on a happy face ♪

♪ Take off the gloomy mask of tragedy ♪

♪ It's not your style ♪

♪ You'll look so good that you'll be glad you decided ♪

♪ To smile ♪

♪ Pick out a pleasant outlook ♪

♪ Stick out that noble chin ♪

♪ Wipe off the full-of-doubt look ♪

♪ Slap on a happy grin ♪

♪ And spread sunshine all over the place ♪

♪ Just put on a happy face ♪

Flowers?

♪ Put on a happy face ♪

♪ Put on a happy face ♪

♪ It's such a strain ♪

♪ I always try to chuckle hourly ♪

♪ It clears the brain ♪

♪ I knew a girl so gloomy She'd never laugh or sing ♪

♪ She wouldn't listen to me ♪

♪ Now she's a mean old thing ♪

♪ So spread sunshine all over the place ♪

♪ Put on a happy ♪

♪ So put on a happy face ♪♪

Well, like I said,

you're a genius, Dr. Peterson.

Ah, honey, you sure have put up with a lot, but this time we're gonna make it.

- Let's live in a small town like this. - Anything you say, dear.

Okay.

The last time we were alone together,

last summer at Palisades Park, we went through the Tunnel of Love.

Your mother sat between us.

Oh, honey, I told you, from now on, things are gonna be different.

Yoo-hoo! Albert! - It's Mama.

Mama?

Mama!

Boy meets girl. Boy loses girl.

Boy gets mother. Eeew-ooo!

- Mama, where have you been? - Neglected! That's where I've been.

Well, I tried to find you. Have you had any dinner?

A mother doesn't need food. Besides, I'd rather be with my famous son.

- Albert, what is it? - Oh, it's your mother. Oh, good evening.

- How are you, ma'am? - How can I be?

Ripped from my native land, alone in this jungle.

Gosh, Albert, I wish we had room to put up your mother.

Thanks. A motel mattress full of lumps is good enough for me.

Comfort is for my loving son.

I just came to tuck you into bed.

Mama's got a condition. She won't tell me what it is.

Why worry a growing boy?

Okay, if you insist.

I got maybe one-tenth a normal heart.

A mother doesn't need a heart.

As soon as Albert and I get our new deal a-rollin',

you'll have the finest doctors in the country.

Deal? What deal, Albert?

Well, Mama, I'm quitting the music business and going back to chemistry.

That Rosie! She's finally turned you against me.

Ah, please, Mama, she didn't!

Albert, go, desert me!

But when I was expecting him in the maternity ward, three days I waited.

Did I desert him? No.

I stayed right there so he wouldn't be alone when he was born!

Mama, please don't excite yourself. Mama, you know I love you.

- It's just Rosie and I have plans. - Okay.

Lou.

I'll be right up.

Start dealing.

Just bury me on your front lawn so Rosie can walk all over me!

Mama! Mama, please!

- It's not gas. It's electric. - Doris!

Doris! Doris!

Doris, how do you like it? Isn't it exciting?

No, no, no! I told you not to dye your hair!

Oh, but I wanted to. Isn't it a gas?

You dare defy your mother?

- Well, it's my hair. - Not till you're 21.

What's the matter, Papa?

Young lady, you stay in your room till it changes back!

- Do ya hear? - I won't! I won't!

- I demand respect around here. - It's my hair.

- Respect, do ya hear? Respect! - I respect you, Papa.

I don't want your respect.

Who wants respect from a ten-year-old kid?

♪ Kids I don't know what's wrong with these kids today ♪

♪ Kids Who can understand anything they say ♪

♪ Kids They are disobedient disrespectful oafs ♪

♪ Noisy, crazy, sloppy, lazy loafers While we're on the subject ♪

♪ Kids You can talk and talk till your face is blue ♪

♪ Kids But they still do just what they want to do ♪

♪ Why can't they be like we were ♪

♪ Perfect in every way ♪

♪ What's the matter with kids today ♪

♪ Kids I've tried to raise you the best I could ♪

♪ Kids All the things I've done were for your own good ♪

♪ Kids Can't you once appreciate how I've sacrificed ♪

♪ Working, slaving scrimping, saving pennies And living with your father ♪

♪ Kids No one knows the burdens I've had to bear ♪

♪ And in my condition ♪

♪ Kids I'm a poor sick woman and does he care, ha ♪

♪ Go on, go on and kill me That's what it's coming to ♪

♪ When a mother has kids like you ♪

♪ Kids ♪ ♪ All the chicken soup that I made for you ♪

Mama, take it easy. ♪ Kids ♪

♪ Now you throw me out like a worn-out shoe ♪

Not in front of everybody, Mom. ♪ After all, I haven't been such an awful son ♪

♪ I never sassed you back or leave a ring around the bathtub ♪

♪ And don't I always phone you ♪ ♪ Kids ♪

♪ You can give your life to them night and day ♪

♪ Kids Then they go get married ând movie away ♪

♪ And move away ♪ Who's gettin' married?

♪ Why do we have these children ♪

♪ Better to have a pet ♪ You know where you stand with the pet.

♪ I've never asked for nothin' ♪

♪ Nothin' is what you'll get ♪

♪ What's the matter with kids to- ♪

- I tried, Lou, but I failed. - Oh, you didn't, Mama.

Don't try to pay me back, sonny. I forgive ya.

So what if you're an ingrate, so long as you're happy.

I don't wanna be happy.

Don't feel guilty. Just make believe I'm an old, used car. Junk me, leave me in the gutter.

I'll never leave you. Never.

You heard him. You're a witness.

I promise, Mama. I never broke a promise to my mama.

Good boy. ♪ Why can't they be like Albert ♪

- ♪ Perfect in every way ♪ - ♪ What's the matter with kids ♪

♪ Yeah, what's the matter with kids ♪

♪ Nothing's the matter with kids today ♪♪

Mr. Paisley, this is Rose De Leon.

You asked me to call if I had any free time. Well, I'm free. Very free.

- Rosie! - Ten minutes?

Oh, I'll be waiting for you.

Don't worry, sonny. You can always get another secretary.

Rosie!

Can you see him? Can you see him?

No. Babette, can you see him?

I can't see him. All I can see is the basketball hoop. Hey, Gret, can you see him?

Conrad Birdie in our gym.

♪♪♪ Uh, uh, oh ♪

♪ Gimme one last kiss ♪

♪ One last kiss ♪

♪ One more time Baby, one more time ♪

♪ It really is sublime Ah, baby, so sublime ♪

♪ You know I need your love ♪

♪ Uh, uh, oh Gimme one last kiss ♪

♪ One last kiss ♪

♪ Ba-a-a-a-a-by ♪

♪ Gi-ive me one last kiss ♪

♪ Ba-a-a-a-a-by ♪

♪ Gi-ive me one last kiss ♪

♪ Oh, one last kiss ♪

♪ Give me one last kiss ♪

♪ It never felt like this Nah, baby, not like this ♪

♪ Ya know I need your love ♪

♪ Uh, uh, oh-♪♪ - Okay, cut.

We'll rehearse the song later, Conrad. Al, what's the exact length?

Oh, uh, one, uh-1:20.

Check. That gives us two minutes and forty seconds for Sullivan's intro to Kim.

Kim's good luck speech to Conrad. Then Conrad socks over a plug for army enlistment.

Bangs into the song. And we top it all off with a big kisseroo. Kim?

Yes, sir.

Uh, uh, beg, beg pardon, but when do I make my speech?

Speech? What speech?

I promised Mr. McAfee he could say a few words. After all, he's Kim's father.

- Yes, he is. - Kind of a hello from a proud parent.

All right. But ya can't have much time. In fact, all you can have is 20 seconds on the nose.

Gotcha. I'll just say a few words, get some big laughs. And introduce the Mayor.

The Mayor? Aw, come on, Al, what is this?

I- We had a problem.

I had to give the Mayor a spot to humor McAfee.

All right. All right. But we'll have to take ten seconds away from McAfee.

I imagine songwriting must be quite a lucrative profession.

Oh, yes, it is.

Well, how many records of this song will they sell?

Oh, about one or two million.

You know, Claude, I had a perfectly wonderful time last night.

- You really are a wonderful dancer. - Oh, I don't know.

- When one's heart sings, one's feet take wings. - Oh, how lyrical.

- Is that shelley or Keats? - That, my dear, is Paisley.

- Really? That's wonderful. - Uh-huh.

Shall we go?

Surely.

Okay, everybody, take your places.

Now, come on, Kim, move right over there.

Just read it like you normally would.

And we, your admirers, are proud that our military leaders have called upon you-

- Conrad, honey. - Please, Mrs. Peterson, we're rehearsing.

All right now, Kim.

Could you move over one, please?

Kim, you're talking too fast. Now once more, dear, but slower.

To express to you- - Mrs. Peterson, what does your husband do?

I don't know. He's dead.

And- And-

And I want to say on behalf of all the girls...

who are your devoted admirers-

- Oh, I forgot what's next. - Come on, man, let's go.

- Hiya, Hugo. - Hi, Kim.

They don't want this jazz. They want Conrad.

There's the camera. I bail in. I sing up a storm.

I give this chick the message.

This is my best side.

- She's fainted! - Applause. Applause. I'll dig you later, Dad.

- I've had enough! I'll put my foot down!

I'm putting my foot down! She's not going on that show!

Oh, yes, she is. You're not wrecking my career.

Oh, what happened?

Tell him you're through because you do not wish...

to humiliate your steady in this sordid fashion.

Hugo Peabody, you take that back!

I will not, but I will take my pin back!

Oh, with pleasure!

Conrad, I know you're tense, but we haven't finished the number. It's not ready.

Conrad's a trooper, like I was. Us troopers get tense.

Yeah man, like she said like.

Why don't you and I go for a nice ride in the country?

Uh-uh. Man, I hope I never get that tense.

I never should have said that to Rosie.

Who does he think he is? - Al, I got a wire from Sullivan.

"Russian Ballet switching to different dance, requiring additional four minutes.

"Therefore, the entire Birdie spot must be cut to less than 30 seconds.

Cut!?

Tell Peterson and Rosie I'm sorry, song is out, but no choice."

Oh, no! No, no! They can't do this! They can't cut the song!

They've already done it, kid. In thirty seconds, all Birdie can do is take a bow.

I'm awfully sorry.

The Russians!

First they take Czechoslovakia, now they take my four minutes! Oh, Mama.

Oh, baby. Oh.

Well, that's- that's show business.

♪♪

♪ There are chicks just right for some kissin' ♪

♪ And I mean to kiss me a few ♪

♪ Man, those chicks don't know what they're missin' ♪

♪ I got a lot of livin' to do ♪

♪ Sizzlin' steaks all ready for tastin' ♪

♪ And there's Cadillacs all shiny and new ♪

♪ Gotta move 'cause time is a-wastin' ♪

♪ I got a lot of livin' to do ♪

♪ There's music to play Places to go ♪

♪ People to see ♪

♪ Everything for you and me ♪

♪ Life's a ball if only you know it ♪

♪ And it's all just waitin' for you ♪

♪ You're alive so come on and show it ♪

♪ Yeah, we've got a lot of livin' to do ♪

♪ There are men ♪

♪ With childhood behind them ♪

♪ Handsome men ♪

♪ From Yale or Purdue ♪

♪ Older men ♪

♪ And I'm gonna find 'em ♪

♪ I got a lot of livin' to do ♪

♪ I-I-I'm a-gonna have fun Gonna be wild ♪

♪ Have my own way ♪

♪ I may break ♪

♪ A heart a day ♪

♪ Drink champagne ♪

♪ As if it were water ♪

♪ Pink champagne ♪

♪ And after a few ♪

♪ Daddy dear ♪

♪ You won't know your daughter ♪

♪ She's got a lot of livin' to do ♪

♪ Think I'll be a ring-a-ding drummer ♪

♪ Make each week a thousand or two ♪

♪ Gorgeous girls will beg for my number ♪

♪ Hey, I've got a lot of livin' to do ♪

♪ Yes, I'm gonna break out Gonna take off ♪

♪ Gonna be free ♪

♪ This town is awfully square for a cat like me ♪

♪ Or I'll be a superjet pilot ♪

♪ Fly me high way out in the blue ♪

♪ Then they'll see I'm no shrinking violet ♪

♪ Hey, I've got a lot of livin' to do ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ I got a lot of livin' to do ♪

- ♪ There's music to play ♪ - ♪ Places to go ♪

♪ People to see ♪

♪ Ah, everything for you and me ♪

♪ Life's a ball if only you know it ♪

♪ Yeah, and it's all just waitin' for you ♪

♪ Oh, you're alive so come on and show it ♪

♪ Yeah, we got a lot of livin' Such a lot of livin' ♪

♪ Tonight's the night we're gonna fly ♪

♪ Let's kick this hick town into high ♪

♪ I want a taste of everything ♪

♪ Let's live it up and really swing ♪

♪ Got a lot of livin' ♪

♪ Livin', livin', livin' ♪

♪ Livin' to do ♪♪ Live!

Hugo.

♪♪

But you needn't bite my head off. I only asked a civil question.

Ten times you've asked me. I don't know why they changed to this slow dance for TV.

All I know is if Albert can't get 'em to cut it shorter, tomorrow night I won't be on Ed Sullivan.

And neither will Kim, and you know how much it means to her.

How about m-

Well, anyway, Albert's still in with the manager, so that's a good sign.

If Eisenhower couldn't handle the Russians, how's Albert gonna talk to 'em?

Jack Kennedy.

Oh, uh, long live Joseph Stalin.

- Stalin? I mean, uh, Stalin-Stalin lived too long.

Long live Khrushchev.

Save your life? Me?

My friend, if you are sick, see a doctor.

"If you're sick, see a doctor." You-You speak English?

It saves time.

What can I do for you- Uh, Mr., eh, Peterson?

Sir, I have-I have come to appeal to you.

That ballet, the one you're doing on TV tomorrow night.

Da. Mr. Ed Sullivan.

Yeah, that's the one. Could, could you just cut that four minutes?

Well, it's beautiful. I love it.

But my life depends on it.

Desecrate this classic?

I need the time for Conrad Birdie to sing my song.

Who sent you here? Senator Goldwater?

Will you cut three minutes?

Two minutes?

A minute and a half?

To cut even ten seconds would be artistic sabotage.

This ballet has historic significance.

It was performed the same day as the funeral of the Czar.

Lenin himself made the arrangement.

- Lenin arranged music? - No, funerals.

Hello, Rose. - Oh, hi, Kim. You still up?

Oh, I'm so miserable, Rose.

I've lost Hugo, and now I'm not even going to be on TV.

- Why not? - Oh, the Ballet's taking four extra minutes,

so Birdie's song and the kiss are out.

Well, serves Albert right.

Oh, now come on, relax.

Faithless men like Albert and Hugo, they're all alike.

From puberty to stupidity, from Benedict Arnold to Mussolini.

Men... we laugh at them. Right?

It's easy for you to pick up the pieces of your shattered dream.

You've found a compensation.

Oh, that Claude Paisley's just too much.

He's too much all right.

But I won't mention of what.

All that charm, so genteel,

so educated, so underhanded!

You mean Mr. Paisley's like all the rest? I thought he was the marrying type.

Oh, he is. He is. He wanted to elope tonight.

And you know what? He'd like to live in New York.

Uh, not to teach. To be a songwriter.

A songwriter?

He's all the things I wanna get away from.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I never dreamed that Mr. Paisley, of all men-

Oh, well, men. They're only out to use us, Kim.

I know. Hugo's used me since we were freshmen.

All those years I wasted on Albert.

Rosie, the dependable one. Rosie, the patient one. Rosie, the good girl.

I know it sounds old-fashioned, but... I'm not ashamed to admit it.

- I'm still a good girl. - Rose?

- Hmm? - So am I.

No kidding?

Well, you won't be sorry.

- Are you going out so late? - Mm-hmm.

My farewell to Sweet Apple. A night to remember. I'm going to Maude's Cafe.

Maude's! That's a wild place.

You're not gonna do anything rash?

Whatever you hear about me, Kim, just tell them...

that she loved not wisely, but too well.

Ole!

♪♪

This is the place, Albert. Hottest spot in the county.

- How do you know? - Oh, I heard, only heard.

- Albert, don't go in that place. - I must. It's the only way.

- But drinking won't solve anything. - He's frustrated.

Good-bye.

I'd go in there with you if I weren't a happy family man...

and not allowed to enjoy myself.

Oh, please, mister. I just-

I'm telling you for the last time!

No drinks! Now get lost!

Well, just a pint of bourbon? Gin? Scotch?

- No! - How 'bout a malted with a little vodka?

Come back when you're 21.

Oh, well, well, I'm way over 21. I only look young from too much drinking.

Oh, look at me. Look at this shell of a human being. The monster you've created.

Oh, I'm sorry about- Hugo, don't worry, you'll get Kim back.

No, thanks. The bloom is off the rose.

Rose. Little Rose.

A precious flower that I trampled on.

There we go.

A toast. To Mae, she's okay.

I'm a songwriter too, huh?

Would you call the McAfee house again and see my Al-Sonny!

Mama, what are you doing in a place like this?

I'm playing canasta. I got lonesome. Did you cut the Russians?

- Why are you consorting with that man? - Glad to meet you.

Looks ain't everything. Besides, Mr. Maude is 100% gentleman, and a widower.

Three times. Sit down, Albert.

Any son of Mae Peterson is a friend of mine. Come, come.

Mama, get your things. We're taking the bus to New York tonight.

Your song? It's all off? - It's dead, Mama, like I am.

- You ain't goin', Mae. Say you aint! - You unhand her. Come on, Mama.

Okay, buster, set 'em up. Double scotch and gin on the side.

And, uh... a bourbon chaser. Make that a triple chaser.

And bring on the dancing boys!

Well, come on, make with the drinks, Meyer. We gotta put out this fire.

Uh-♪ Everything is Rosie Cha-cha-cha ♪

- ♪ 'Cause my name is Rosie ♪ - Ah, the poor thing.

♪ Si, si, si ♪♪ She can't get over me.

- She's singing the song I wrote for her. - You wrote her a song?

Only eight bars, Mama. Somehow, I never could finish it.

Hey, what's with the red caps? You got a train inside?

Eeew!

Hey, where ya goin'?

I'm gonna go and see what the boys in the backroom'll have.

Albert! Where are you going?

To save her from herself. To save her for me. She might get in trouble.

Report on the charity bazaar which we ran...

for the benefit of the old folks' home; to wit, net cash receipts:

$840.06.

Rosie!

Valuable goods contributed: two milk cows, live;

Rosie!

80 lugs of fresh fruit;

45 young kumquat trees;

one ton of fertilizer-

And now, before the recording secretary reads the minutes from last week's meeting,

I wish to bring up a subject that I know is on...

everybody's mind... tonight.

Ooo.

♪♪

As I was saying, gentlemen-

Yeah!

Hey!

Yeah!

Yeah.

Hey! Hey!

No.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

No! No, listen, fellas. stop!

Haah!

Rosie!

Albert!

Oo.

- Albert! Whoa! - Ole!

Rosie?

Rosie, baby?

Good morning, darling.

It's way past noon. Sleep okay, honey?

Mm-hmm. I tried not to.

I wanted to keep reliving that wonderful moment...

when my shining knight...

rushed into the sultan's cave...

and carried me off.

Well, that's just the beginning.

Pack. We're taking the bus to Niagara Falls.

Oh, yes, dear.

- Rosie? - Hmm?

You-You never saw me in pajamas before.

Are you disappointed?

Are you?

Let's take a plane to Niagara Falls. A jet!

Oh, Albert,

we came here to get your mother set financially.

Our marriage wouldn't have a chance if we started off feeling guilty about deserting her.

That's right. It may be a long time before I make any money.

Not if Birdie sang your song tonight.

No chance. I pleaded. They won't shorten the ballet, not even ten seconds.

It's the slowest dance I ever saw. They move like turtles.

Albert. Albert!

What? Randolph! Randolph!

Boys, those are really showstoppers! Frank, Dean and Sammy.

Come out here and take a bow.

Frank, Dean and sammy McWilliams. Thank you, boys.

Right now, here on our stage, the magnificent orchestra...

of American composer-conductor, Ray Block.

Now really, let's hear it.

- Well, that oughta do it. Any questions? - No sir, not at all.

- Okay, I'm going backstage. - Right.

Don't know why I let that Albert drag us here.

Rosie said she might have a big surprise for us.

Maybe they'll show us sitting here on TV. I bet that's it.

- Where did you get that money? - I sold Mr. Peterson my chemical set.

- Two minutes, Maestro. - Borov will be there.

I've never been late for performance in whole career.

- You say you from magazine? - Uh, yes, American Ballet Magazine.

And we want a picture of the world's greatest conductor, Maestro Borov.

You flatter me. So, shoot me quick.

Oh, drinking this milk.

- Milk? - Yes.

We drink vodka, little flower.

Oh, no, well, no. No, thank you. Uh, please, Maestro, this milk.

You see, our President has asked us to drink more milk and it would be a goodwill gesture.

- President? - Yes!

Uh, won't you please, Maestro, to improve our relations?

You're pretty enough to be un-American.

All right, here we go. Drink up. That's it.

Now, keep drinking until I frame you-frame you perfectly.

All right, once more. Bottoms up. That's it.

Very good.

Ah, you got it! Uh, I mean, gotcha.

See you after, could be?

- Oh, I'll catch up with you. - And for you, I do not go too fast.

We shall see.

Good-bye.

Thank you.

Mission accomplished.

- He drank it? - Yeah.

My formula works on chickens and Randolph's turtle, but I don't know about humans.

If it doesn't, we're no worse off; but if it does, this'll be the shortest ballet in history.

Now, ready, America and Canada, because here we go out to Columbus, Ohio,

where the Moscow Ballet dances the "Rose Adagio" from Tchaikovshy's Sleeping Beauty,

conducted by Maestro Borzoi Borov.

Take it away, CBS, Columbus, Ohio.

We're on. Up on one.

Lights.

♪♪

♪♪

Camera two, can you move to your right a couple of feet?

Magnificent!

It's not gonna work.

♪♪

Well, this is crazy. That's not the way it was rehearsed.

What is it? What's the matter?

What happened?

Borov! Borov!

Hello. Ed Sullivan.

Bob! Bob! We'll have to kill some time. Put the Birdie song back in.

Got ya, Ed. Take over. Be prepared for the Birdie spot.

Albert, "One Last Kiss" is back in. Find Conrad. Rosie, get Kim.

Put the Birdie spot on stage. And let's go, go, go!

McAfee, hurry up. Come on. Let's go. The song is back in.

- What? Come on! - Let's go!

Are you crazy, Borov?

♪♪

Aye, yi, yi, yi, yi, yi!

I've never seen such speed in dancers. Thank you, Moscow Ballet...

for that brilliant and unexpected bit of burlesque.

And now, another great treat: Conrad Birdie. Yee-hoo!

What-

On behalf of all the members of the Sweet Apple chapter...

of the Conrad Birdie Fan Club,

We wish to express to you our great pride...

- in your brave deed. - Hiya, Ed.

Oh, no.

Oh, hi. How are ya?

I wish to convey our deep pride in your brave deed, namely-

As a citizen, I'm proud to have Conrad defend my... family...

and the McAfee Fertilizer Company.

Conrad, sing.

♪ Oh, one last kiss ♪

♪ Gimme one last kiss ♪

♪ It never felt like this Nah, baby, not like this ♪

♪ Ya know I need your love Uh, uh, oh ♪

♪ Gimme one last kiss ♪

♪ One last kiss ♪

♪ One more time Baby, one more time ♪

♪ It really is sublime Ah, honey, so sublime ♪

♪ Ya know I need your love Uh, uh, oh ♪

♪ Gimme one last kiss ♪

♪ One last kiss ♪

♪ Ba-a-a-a-by ♪

♪ Gi-ive me one last kiss ♪

♪ Ba-a-a-a-by ♪

♪ Give me one las-♪♪

Yoo-hoo! Albert!

Albert!

Albert, I saw it all on TV. "One Last Kiss" was a disaster.

Who wants to buy a record of a guy with a glass jaw?

Now, will you take Mama's advice and get out of show business?

I am. My song may be dead, but my chemical formula works on people.

Shh. The Russians may have this place bugged.

It was Albert's formula that made the orchestra leader go that fast.

My genius! Oh! You gotta work on my cleaning woman. She gets a dollar an hour.

Yeah. Mama-

Mama, Rosie and I are going to Niagara Falls.

Well...

it's about time.

Oh, Mae, you have to come with us!

No. I'm one mother who doesn't mix in. Maude!

Don't fall in the pit, Maude.

- Albert. - Yes?

I would like to do things proper,

so I would like the honor of becoming your stepfather.

Is it all right, Albert?

Mama, with my blessing!

Oh, I'm so glad, because we just got married.

- What a surprise. - Oh, how exciting.

Oh, it's beautiful. Oh, congratulations.

Thank you very much.

Let's go, Maudie. We're leaving for Akron.

Hubby has to open a new bar and he wants me to throw out the first beer can.

Yeah, good-bye, son.

Niagara Falls is wet, so take along your rubbers!

Bye!

How about that Maude and Mrs. Peterson?

- Oh, ready here, Albert. - Be right with you.

No hurry, partner. I promise you one thing, snookums.

No matter how many millions I make selling Speed-Up,

I'll still be the same humble, lovable guy.

And if any of those hicks try to push me around, I'll break 'em.

♪♪

♪ Everything is Rosie ♪

♪ Since I found my Rosie ♪ - Same old words.

♪ With a girl like Rosie ♪

♪ How could I be blue ♪

Same eight bars. Now what?

♪ Hand in hand we'll mosey ♪

♪ Me and little Rosie ♪

♪ We will be so cozy ♪

♪ By a fire built for two ♪

Oh, Albert, you're too much.

♪ Oh, I once heard a poem that goes ♪

♪ "A rose is a rose is a rose" ♪

♪ But I don't agree Take it from me ♪

♪ There's one Rose sweeter than any that grows ♪

♪ And that's my Rosie ♪

♪ I'm so glad she chose me ♪

♪ Life is one sweet ♪

♪ Beautiful song to me ♪

♪ Everything is Hugo ♪

♪ I will go where you go ♪

♪ With a boy like Hugo ♪

♪ How could I be blue ♪

♪ We will be so cozy ♪

♪ Just like Al and Rosie ♪

♪ But we're gonna mosey ♪

♪ In a hot rod built for two ♪

- ♪ And that's my Rosie ♪ - ♪ Gee, how delighted we'll be ♪

♪ I'm so glad she chose me ♪ ♪ When you are cozy with me ♪

♪ Life is one sweet beautiful song ♪

♪ When love is right then what could be wrong ♪

♪ Life is one sweet ♪

♪ Beautiful song to me ♪♪

♪♪

♪ Bye, bye, Birdie ♪

♪ The army's got you now ♪

♪ I'll try, Birdie ♪

♪ To forget somehow ♪

♪ No more sighing ♪

♪ Each time you move those lips ♪

♪ No more dying ♪

♪ When you twitch those hips ♪

♪ Your swivel and your sway Your super-duper class ♪

♪ There's nothing left to say but, Conrad, you're a gas ♪

♪ Bye, bye, Birdie ♪

♪ Ta-ta, ol' sweetie pie ♪

♪ Bye, bye, Birdie ♪

♪ Time for me to fly ♪

♪ Time to say good-bye ♪♪

Bye now.