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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,069 --> 00:00:04,004 The ERA is not about, uh, equality. 2 00:00:05,406 --> 00:00:06,874 It's about power. 3 00:00:06,907 --> 00:00:08,676 There are more of us than there are of you. 4 00:00:09,777 --> 00:00:11,345 I wouldn't be so sure. 5 00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:24,558 Guillermo, I found another one! 6 00:00:24,592 --> 00:00:26,394 Here. Right here. 7 00:00:26,427 --> 00:00:28,062 - Gizmo, here's one. - Oh! 8 00:00:28,096 --> 00:00:31,699 Come on, boy. Making it three to the Laszlo. 9 00:00:31,732 --> 00:00:32,766 Guillermo. 10 00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:35,103 Big one here. 11 00:00:35,136 --> 00:00:37,037 - Right here. - We are playing a game 12 00:00:37,071 --> 00:00:38,672 - that Guillermo made up. - It's not a game. 13 00:00:38,706 --> 00:00:41,242 We have been burying bodies out here for ages, 14 00:00:41,275 --> 00:00:42,910 thus creating sink spots. 15 00:00:42,943 --> 00:00:45,012 It's caused by decomposing human cadavers. 16 00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:47,215 - It's a wonderful game. - It's a safety hazard. 17 00:00:47,248 --> 00:00:50,551 I'm winning! 18 00:00:50,584 --> 00:00:52,186 And then my master came into the room. 19 00:00:52,220 --> 00:00:54,755 It turns out it was Nadja who had moved the couch, so... 20 00:00:54,788 --> 00:00:56,257 What the fuck?! 21 00:00:57,391 --> 00:00:58,592 Give me your hand! Give me your hand! 22 00:00:58,626 --> 00:01:00,861 What the fuck?! 23 00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:02,796 Get me out of here! 24 00:01:04,998 --> 00:01:07,435 Don't sing if you want to live long 25 00:01:07,468 --> 00:01:09,937 They have no use for your song 26 00:01:09,970 --> 00:01:12,606 You're dead, you're dead, you're dead 27 00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:15,509 You're dead and out of this world 28 00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:20,114 Now your hope and compassion is gone 29 00:01:20,148 --> 00:01:22,916 You sold out your dream to the world 30 00:01:22,950 --> 00:01:25,219 Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead 31 00:01:25,253 --> 00:01:27,921 You're dead and out of this world. 32 00:01:37,365 --> 00:01:39,467 Hey, this one's extra juicy. 33 00:01:39,500 --> 00:01:41,169 I think it's a three-personer. 34 00:01:41,202 --> 00:01:43,070 - Three points for me! - Ugh, damn it. - You're wrong. 35 00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:45,673 Graves are worth one. Three is for the body. 36 00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:47,508 What the...? Who threw a fucking dagger? 37 00:01:47,541 --> 00:01:48,576 Ooh. 38 00:01:51,545 --> 00:01:52,513 Whoa. 39 00:01:52,546 --> 00:01:54,282 Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay. 40 00:01:57,351 --> 00:02:00,020 I have waited ages for this. 41 00:02:00,053 --> 00:02:03,924 And now I finally have you cornered. 42 00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:06,994 Please, Mr. Mystery Man, do not harm me. 43 00:02:07,027 --> 00:02:09,797 If you wish to kill someone, kill my familiar. 44 00:02:09,830 --> 00:02:12,966 It won't be as satisfying, but it will be much easier. 45 00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:16,003 Silence! I am not here for you. 46 00:02:16,036 --> 00:02:18,038 - Oh. - That's a relief. - Nor you. 47 00:02:18,071 --> 00:02:19,607 Thank you very much. That's nice. 48 00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:22,042 Scuse me, are you possibly here to kill me? 49 00:02:22,075 --> 00:02:23,110 - No. - 'Cause if you are, 50 00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:24,812 I just need to run in and... 51 00:02:24,845 --> 00:02:25,813 Silence. 52 00:02:25,846 --> 00:02:27,681 I am here... 53 00:02:27,715 --> 00:02:29,149 for him. 54 00:02:29,183 --> 00:02:31,018 For me? 55 00:02:31,051 --> 00:02:32,853 Well, why the hell would you be here for me? 56 00:02:32,886 --> 00:02:34,322 And who the hell are you anyway? 57 00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:38,726 I have gone by so many names, 58 00:02:38,759 --> 00:02:42,730 all of them feared on the whispers of time. 59 00:02:47,201 --> 00:02:49,237 Hello, Laszlo. 60 00:02:49,270 --> 00:02:51,239 Uh, hello. 61 00:02:51,272 --> 00:02:52,840 I can see by the look on your face 62 00:02:52,873 --> 00:02:55,876 you were never expecting to see me again. 63 00:02:55,909 --> 00:02:57,211 No, you can see by the look on my face 64 00:02:57,245 --> 00:02:59,046 I haven't got a fucking clue who the hell you are. 65 00:02:59,079 --> 00:03:01,382 Nice try. 66 00:03:01,415 --> 00:03:03,751 Like you don't remember what went down in California. 67 00:03:05,886 --> 00:03:08,356 I rented you a guest room. 68 00:03:09,390 --> 00:03:10,924 Oh, yes. 69 00:03:10,958 --> 00:03:13,861 I did take a brief sojourn to the Golden State. 70 00:03:13,894 --> 00:03:15,229 I didn't want to go. 71 00:03:15,263 --> 00:03:17,030 Well, you weren't invited. It was a work trip. 72 00:03:17,064 --> 00:03:19,767 - And I wasn't invited. - I was... I had agreed to meet the Devil 73 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:21,835 at an intersection of roadways, 74 00:03:21,869 --> 00:03:24,037 where we'd do a deal where I would become 75 00:03:24,071 --> 00:03:25,706 a much better guitarist. 76 00:03:25,739 --> 00:03:28,409 I thought the Devil's crossroads was in Mississippi. 77 00:03:28,442 --> 00:03:30,878 Exactly. I was misinformed. 78 00:03:30,911 --> 00:03:32,746 - Oh, yes. - Yes, yes, yes. 79 00:03:32,780 --> 00:03:34,181 Are you keeping well? 80 00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:36,350 Not good, Master Cravensworth. 81 00:03:36,384 --> 00:03:38,252 You remember I rented you a room 82 00:03:38,286 --> 00:03:40,688 in my beach house in San Diego? 83 00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:43,291 - I do. Beautiful part of the world. - Yes. 84 00:03:43,324 --> 00:03:45,726 And you skipped out without paying me 85 00:03:45,759 --> 00:03:47,094 the last month's rent. 86 00:03:47,127 --> 00:03:49,096 And the security deposit. 87 00:03:49,129 --> 00:03:50,298 - Laszlo. - Yeah. 88 00:03:50,331 --> 00:03:51,699 'Cause if I remember correctly, 89 00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:52,700 I walked into the john, 90 00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:54,635 and someone had left a huge floater. 91 00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:58,472 That may be, but you took me for a fool. 92 00:03:58,506 --> 00:03:59,540 You swindled me. 93 00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:03,577 I have spent 167 years searching for you. 94 00:04:03,611 --> 00:04:06,046 And now, oh-oh-oh... 95 00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:08,215 satisfaction will be mine. 96 00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:09,450 All right. 97 00:04:09,483 --> 00:04:11,419 Either you repay your debt now, 98 00:04:11,452 --> 00:04:13,487 or you will pay with your life. 99 00:04:13,521 --> 00:04:16,156 The money or a duel! 100 00:04:16,189 --> 00:04:18,058 - Pay him. Pay him the money. - No. No, no. 101 00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:19,793 - Pay him the money. - Pay him some money. Just pay the debt. 102 00:04:19,827 --> 00:04:21,128 I'm not paying for shit, 103 00:04:21,161 --> 00:04:23,564 so a duel it is. 104 00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:26,099 - Oh, no. - Shitting... 105 00:04:26,133 --> 00:04:27,735 Hold this. 106 00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:29,503 Whoo! Go on, Laszlo! 107 00:04:29,537 --> 00:04:30,504 Get it out, get it out. 108 00:04:30,538 --> 00:04:32,105 Very masculine. 109 00:04:32,139 --> 00:04:35,743 That's right. Scare him with your circles. 110 00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:36,744 Give him hell, Laszlo. 111 00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:38,245 Okay, okay. Thank you. 112 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:42,816 What is done tonight may not be undone. 113 00:04:42,850 --> 00:04:44,352 Do both combatants agree? 114 00:04:44,385 --> 00:04:46,253 Courage and honor. 115 00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:49,357 Aye. Courage and honor. 116 00:04:50,391 --> 00:04:52,259 Then the die is cast. 117 00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:54,161 Both combatants, please, 118 00:04:54,194 --> 00:04:56,196 you will stand back-to-back. 119 00:04:56,229 --> 00:04:58,666 Then you will take ten paces. 120 00:04:58,699 --> 00:04:59,667 Then... 121 00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:01,369 you will unleash hell. 122 00:05:02,202 --> 00:05:04,304 And... 123 00:05:04,338 --> 00:05:06,006 one pace. 124 00:05:06,039 --> 00:05:08,208 Two. Good. No peeking, now. 125 00:05:08,241 --> 00:05:09,610 Three. 126 00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:11,211 - Four... - Laszlo! 127 00:05:11,244 --> 00:05:13,881 - Laszlo, no! That's not courageous! - Bat! 128 00:05:13,914 --> 00:05:15,949 He's not coming back, you know. 129 00:05:15,983 --> 00:05:17,785 Are you kidding me? 130 00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:18,986 Sorry about that. 131 00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:22,322 Oops. He found the big one. 132 00:05:22,356 --> 00:05:24,925 - Cravensworth! - Yeesh. 133 00:05:31,932 --> 00:05:33,734 Am I a coward? 134 00:05:33,767 --> 00:05:35,235 Of course not. 135 00:05:35,268 --> 00:05:38,171 There is no honor in defeat. 136 00:05:38,205 --> 00:05:39,807 I've never paid the piper 137 00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:41,575 in my life, 138 00:05:41,609 --> 00:05:43,043 and I won't start now. 139 00:05:43,076 --> 00:05:44,678 I suppose 140 00:05:44,712 --> 00:05:47,214 it won't surprise thee to learn 141 00:05:47,247 --> 00:05:50,217 that I've prepared for a night such as this. 142 00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:53,754 So, my sweet angel... 143 00:05:53,787 --> 00:05:56,924 it is here that I bid you farewell, 144 00:05:56,957 --> 00:05:59,326 for tonight is the night 145 00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:02,696 that I must disappear forever. 146 00:06:02,730 --> 00:06:04,031 Love, 147 00:06:04,064 --> 00:06:05,733 the man formerly known... 148 00:06:05,766 --> 00:06:07,200 as... 149 00:06:07,234 --> 00:06:08,869 Laszlo. 150 00:06:10,471 --> 00:06:12,906 Forgive me, my darling. 151 00:06:15,476 --> 00:06:17,244 There we are. 152 00:06:17,277 --> 00:06:19,480 Blue jeans. 153 00:06:20,247 --> 00:06:21,749 And my toothpick. 154 00:06:21,782 --> 00:06:23,350 My foolproof human disguise 155 00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:26,119 for whenever the shit hits the wind. 156 00:06:26,153 --> 00:06:27,755 Makes me completely unrecognizable. 157 00:06:42,335 --> 00:06:44,638 - How you diddling, Joe-Joe? - Yep. 158 00:06:44,672 --> 00:06:47,908 Your wife still giving you shit over that hammock? 159 00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:49,977 After all that nonsense on Staten Island, 160 00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:52,446 I cut loose to Pennsylvania, 161 00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:54,615 because it sounded like "Transylvania." 162 00:06:54,648 --> 00:06:56,917 And we all know that sounds cool. 163 00:06:56,950 --> 00:06:59,152 I infiltrated the township posing as 164 00:06:59,186 --> 00:07:01,154 your average American Yankee Doodle Dandy. 165 00:07:01,188 --> 00:07:03,423 And I took over Lucky Brew's Bar and Grill. 166 00:07:03,457 --> 00:07:05,225 - Yeah! - The previous owner, 167 00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:06,460 he mysteriously disappeared... 168 00:07:06,494 --> 00:07:08,095 because I killed him. 169 00:07:08,128 --> 00:07:11,431 Drinks on the house! 170 00:07:11,465 --> 00:07:13,100 And I have not looked back since. 171 00:07:13,133 --> 00:07:15,235 I now go by the name of Daytona. 172 00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:16,637 Jackie Daytona. 173 00:07:16,670 --> 00:07:18,472 And I'll tell you something. 174 00:07:18,506 --> 00:07:21,408 Jackie Daytona's life, it ain't so bad. 175 00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:23,110 Not bad at all. 176 00:07:25,012 --> 00:07:26,113 Yeah! 177 00:07:30,551 --> 00:07:33,253 I've been in this town a long time, 178 00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:35,923 and we've never really met someone like Jackie. 179 00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:38,792 No one here knows I'm a vampire, 180 00:07:38,826 --> 00:07:40,460 apart from the people I've drained and killed, 181 00:07:40,494 --> 00:07:42,095 but they're dead now, so that problem's 182 00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:43,964 pretty much solved itself. 183 00:07:43,997 --> 00:07:45,799 That kind of love is mythical 184 00:07:45,833 --> 00:07:46,934 This will blow your mind. 185 00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:48,602 Huh? 186 00:07:48,636 --> 00:07:49,770 He has a really big heart. 187 00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:51,038 How the hell does that work? 188 00:07:51,071 --> 00:07:52,706 Hardly anyone cared 189 00:07:52,740 --> 00:07:54,374 about the volleyball team until he came around. 190 00:07:54,407 --> 00:07:55,909 Up, up, up! 191 00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:59,446 Yeah! Unlucky! 192 00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:01,782 We weren't doing real well. Uh, we were losing a lot. 193 00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:04,451 When there's no other course 194 00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:07,020 And, uh, Jackie Daytona shows up, and, suddenly, 195 00:08:07,054 --> 00:08:08,556 balls are going where they're supposed to go. 196 00:08:08,589 --> 00:08:10,223 - You got this. Nice! Set! - Come on, girls. 197 00:08:10,257 --> 00:08:12,492 I'm pretty sure he's the X factor. 198 00:08:12,526 --> 00:08:13,794 There we go! 199 00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:15,362 Superb! 200 00:08:16,564 --> 00:08:17,464 Simply irresistible 201 00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:18,966 While I'm in disguise, 202 00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:20,200 I can't fly. 203 00:08:20,233 --> 00:08:23,170 So I got myself one of these. 204 00:08:23,203 --> 00:08:26,039 Let's go, Bucks. 205 00:08:26,073 --> 00:08:28,576 I've truly grown to love this township. 206 00:08:28,609 --> 00:08:30,578 So I have rid it of some motor-bicycle criminals. 207 00:08:30,611 --> 00:08:32,512 You better hit the bricks 208 00:08:32,546 --> 00:08:34,481 before I put my foot up your ass. 209 00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:36,650 Every year, me and the boys 210 00:08:36,684 --> 00:08:38,852 go on a charity run to raise money for kids. 211 00:08:38,886 --> 00:08:40,153 We're just on a weekend ride 212 00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:42,389 to raise money for Toys for Tots. 213 00:08:42,422 --> 00:08:44,858 And he came out of nowhere and beat the shit out of us. 214 00:08:44,892 --> 00:08:47,828 How 'bout I put this toy where the moon don't shine? 215 00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:50,030 She leaves me in awe, she deserves the applause 216 00:08:50,063 --> 00:08:51,198 He's really mysterious. 217 00:08:51,231 --> 00:08:52,432 And modest. He covered up 218 00:08:52,465 --> 00:08:54,034 all the mirrors in the bar. 219 00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:57,437 But now I find her 220 00:08:57,470 --> 00:08:59,006 When you're Jackie Daytona, 221 00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:01,174 you can do whatever you want, 'cause you change lives. 222 00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:02,876 Jackie Daytona really 223 00:09:02,910 --> 00:09:04,044 inspires me. 224 00:09:04,077 --> 00:09:06,614 It may have sprung from necessity, 225 00:09:06,647 --> 00:09:09,549 but now I feel as though I may never depart. 226 00:09:09,583 --> 00:09:12,252 Simply irresistible. 227 00:09:16,289 --> 00:09:17,891 We made it! 228 00:09:17,925 --> 00:09:19,927 Drinks are on Jackie Daytona! 229 00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:22,029 Yes. 230 00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:24,632 Okay, okay, okay, everybody! 231 00:09:24,665 --> 00:09:26,934 Ah, you know, we've had a rough year. 232 00:09:26,967 --> 00:09:28,268 But tonight... 233 00:09:28,301 --> 00:09:30,537 we qualified for State! 234 00:09:32,272 --> 00:09:33,874 Great work! 235 00:09:33,907 --> 00:09:35,743 I want to take a second to thank everybody 236 00:09:35,776 --> 00:09:39,412 and, most of all, a huge, huge thank you... 237 00:09:39,446 --> 00:09:41,715 yes... to our friend, Mr. Jackie Daytona! 238 00:09:41,749 --> 00:09:44,652 We love you, Jackie! 239 00:09:44,685 --> 00:09:46,987 Jackie, if it were not for you, 240 00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:48,756 we wouldn't be here. 241 00:09:48,789 --> 00:09:49,990 You're the heart and soul of this team, sir. 242 00:09:50,023 --> 00:09:51,124 - Yes, you are! - Yes, you are. 243 00:09:51,158 --> 00:09:53,393 I am just a regular human guy. 244 00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:55,295 - Oh... - No, you're not. - Come on. 245 00:09:55,328 --> 00:09:56,930 And, unfortunately, now... 246 00:09:56,964 --> 00:09:59,566 I got to deliver some pretty tough news. 247 00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:02,435 Due to state budget cuts, 248 00:10:02,469 --> 00:10:05,673 we are no longer able to afford this year's tournament fees. 249 00:10:05,706 --> 00:10:08,676 And, therefore, we... 250 00:10:08,709 --> 00:10:10,443 we're not going to State. 251 00:10:10,477 --> 00:10:12,012 You what? 252 00:10:12,045 --> 00:10:13,847 I'm so sorry, Jackie. 253 00:10:15,315 --> 00:10:17,651 I need some air! 254 00:10:17,685 --> 00:10:20,020 It makes no sense to me either, 255 00:10:20,053 --> 00:10:22,155 that I would fall in love with volleyball. 256 00:10:22,189 --> 00:10:24,457 But, you know what, I've come to love those Bucks. 257 00:10:24,491 --> 00:10:26,626 I love the popcorn, the squeak 258 00:10:26,660 --> 00:10:29,596 of the tennis shoes on the court. 259 00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:32,365 And I promised I'd never get emotional in front of you chaps, 260 00:10:32,399 --> 00:10:33,967 but... 261 00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:37,170 I didn't scrape and murder my way to Pennsylvania 262 00:10:37,204 --> 00:10:40,507 to watch those talented athletes get fucked off. 263 00:10:47,514 --> 00:10:48,782 I don't mind saying I need your help, Billy Bass. 264 00:10:48,816 --> 00:10:50,017 I'm shit out of ideas. 265 00:10:50,050 --> 00:10:52,352 Penny for your thoughts. 266 00:10:52,385 --> 00:10:55,055 I think we'll need more than a penny, Luce. 267 00:10:55,088 --> 00:10:56,690 Those poor girls, they didn't deserve that. 268 00:10:56,724 --> 00:10:58,992 You got a big heart, Jackie. 269 00:10:59,026 --> 00:11:00,560 Everyone in this town knows that. 270 00:11:00,593 --> 00:11:01,628 Mm. 271 00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:04,364 I just wish I understood you. 272 00:11:04,397 --> 00:11:06,066 You're such a mystery. 273 00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:08,235 You say you're from Tucson, but you talk 274 00:11:08,268 --> 00:11:10,237 all fancy and Europe-like. 275 00:11:10,270 --> 00:11:12,840 This is the way we talk in Tucson, Arizonia. 276 00:11:12,873 --> 00:11:16,676 If only there was some way to help that volleyball team. 277 00:11:16,710 --> 00:11:19,012 She's so fine 278 00:11:19,046 --> 00:11:22,582 There's no telling where the money went 279 00:11:22,615 --> 00:11:25,352 - She's all mine... - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, there. 280 00:11:25,385 --> 00:11:27,087 You never told me you could sing like that. 281 00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:30,257 Not only that, you can sing real damn good. 282 00:11:30,290 --> 00:11:31,859 That's given me an idea. 283 00:11:31,892 --> 00:11:34,728 I say, an incredible idea. 284 00:11:36,296 --> 00:11:39,032 Jackie Daytona has a major-league plan. 285 00:11:39,066 --> 00:11:41,835 Talent show tomorrow, here in the pub. 286 00:11:41,869 --> 00:11:43,536 We charge five bucks a ticket. 287 00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:45,739 Imagine the amount of money we'll raise for these girls. 288 00:11:45,773 --> 00:11:47,240 Yes! 289 00:11:47,274 --> 00:11:49,676 This town's full of talent. 290 00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:50,878 He's getting into it. 291 00:11:50,911 --> 00:11:52,445 This is gonna be spectacular. 292 00:11:52,479 --> 00:11:54,281 I know that you're a first-rate singer. 293 00:11:54,314 --> 00:11:55,248 Talent show. 294 00:11:55,282 --> 00:11:56,283 Lucky Brew's. 295 00:11:56,316 --> 00:11:57,785 Take another one for your wife. 296 00:11:57,818 --> 00:11:59,019 You can do some impersonations. 297 00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:00,053 My wife! 298 00:12:00,087 --> 00:12:01,855 There you go. Henry VIII. 299 00:12:01,889 --> 00:12:04,024 - Support the Bucks. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. 300 00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:05,692 Take a leaflet. 301 00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,194 See you tomorrow? 302 00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:08,395 Come on. 303 00:12:08,428 --> 00:12:11,298 Me, I'm pretty handy at the old shadow puppetry. 304 00:12:11,331 --> 00:12:12,432 Like a love revival 305 00:12:12,465 --> 00:12:13,901 It's very scary. 306 00:12:13,934 --> 00:12:14,902 But watch this. 307 00:12:14,935 --> 00:12:16,636 How do you do that? 308 00:12:16,669 --> 00:12:17,905 I won't goof it up. 309 00:12:17,938 --> 00:12:19,139 I promise. 310 00:12:19,172 --> 00:12:21,008 You can trust me. 311 00:12:23,010 --> 00:12:24,377 Playing cards 312 00:12:24,411 --> 00:12:26,613 actually were invented by the Chinese 313 00:12:26,646 --> 00:12:28,581 in the ninth century. 314 00:12:28,615 --> 00:12:29,582 Please shut up. 315 00:12:29,616 --> 00:12:30,951 Nadja, it's your turn. 316 00:12:36,857 --> 00:12:39,259 - Yes, you should go speak to her. - I can step in. 317 00:12:39,292 --> 00:12:41,061 - No, you can't. - All right. 318 00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:43,230 I just couldn't sit there playing games 319 00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:47,234 when my Laszlo is so fragile and out there just all alone! 320 00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:49,970 He survived this far, so... 321 00:12:50,003 --> 00:12:51,104 - Hello. - Oh, um... 322 00:12:51,138 --> 00:12:52,973 not now, Colin Robinson. 323 00:12:53,006 --> 00:12:54,474 I'm actually just checking in. 324 00:12:54,507 --> 00:12:57,244 You seem to be having a difficult time 325 00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:59,079 now that Laszlo left you 326 00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:00,280 and is likely dead. 327 00:13:01,181 --> 00:13:04,284 You seem... you know, so lonely. 328 00:13:04,317 --> 00:13:06,854 - I am so lonely! - Yeah. 329 00:13:06,887 --> 00:13:09,556 You know, you don't need to be lonely. 330 00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:13,060 Thanks. 331 00:13:16,029 --> 00:13:17,831 No. No. 332 00:13:17,865 --> 00:13:19,432 - No? - No. 333 00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:21,768 - No? - No. No. 334 00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:24,604 No, I wasn't... actually trying to kiss Nadja. 335 00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:27,707 It's just that the unwanted kiss rejection 336 00:13:27,740 --> 00:13:29,776 is one of the most awkward 337 00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:31,778 interactions you can have and, therefore, 338 00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:34,214 the most delicious form of energy draining. 339 00:13:34,247 --> 00:13:36,816 'Cause I w... I was getting a bit of a-a vibe. 340 00:13:36,850 --> 00:13:38,385 - No way. - Okay. 341 00:13:38,418 --> 00:13:40,287 It was like a Thanksgiving feast. 342 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:41,821 Mwah. 343 00:13:41,855 --> 00:13:43,323 If I wasn't married... 344 00:13:43,356 --> 00:13:45,492 and you were a completely different person... 345 00:13:45,525 --> 00:13:49,529 You know, I wanted to check on all the walls of the house. 346 00:13:49,562 --> 00:13:50,630 See you around. 347 00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:52,199 Every day in every room... 348 00:13:52,232 --> 00:13:53,333 Yeah. 349 00:13:53,366 --> 00:13:54,834 - ...on forever. - I live here. 350 00:13:54,868 --> 00:13:56,669 We're gonna be bumping into each other a lot. 351 00:13:57,905 --> 00:13:59,639 So, what's your deal? 352 00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:02,742 I did, however, try to kiss 353 00:14:02,775 --> 00:14:04,577 the Nadja doll, and... 354 00:14:04,611 --> 00:14:07,080 its rejection, uh... stung. 355 00:14:10,617 --> 00:14:12,419 Come on, Joe, drink up. 356 00:14:12,452 --> 00:14:14,888 I don't want Carol ringing here again. 357 00:14:16,723 --> 00:14:18,758 I'm about to close, friend-o. 358 00:14:18,791 --> 00:14:21,394 Anything quick I can rustle you... 359 00:14:21,428 --> 00:14:22,662 up? 360 00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:25,498 Uh, one human alcohol beer, please. 361 00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:27,600 Coming right up. 362 00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:30,237 One human alcohol beer it is. 363 00:14:30,270 --> 00:14:32,105 You don't mind if I join you, do you? 364 00:14:32,139 --> 00:14:33,173 Please do. 365 00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:34,774 So, what blows you into town? 366 00:14:34,807 --> 00:14:36,109 Oh, just, uh... 367 00:14:36,143 --> 00:14:38,611 passing through. 368 00:14:38,645 --> 00:14:39,913 Judging by that look on your face, 369 00:14:39,947 --> 00:14:41,448 I'd say there's something on your mind. 370 00:14:41,481 --> 00:14:44,952 I suppose I can trust you. 371 00:14:44,985 --> 00:14:46,419 After all, you're clearly 372 00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:49,789 just a regular human bartender. 373 00:14:49,822 --> 00:14:51,925 - Mm. - The jeans, the toothpick. 374 00:14:51,959 --> 00:14:53,693 Salt of the earth. 375 00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:54,894 That's all I am. 376 00:14:54,928 --> 00:14:57,530 Just a regular human 377 00:14:57,564 --> 00:14:59,232 bartender. 378 00:14:59,266 --> 00:15:00,600 Ah. 379 00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:03,103 Mmm. 380 00:15:03,136 --> 00:15:04,871 To tell the truth, 381 00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:07,707 I've been scouring the area for a while now. 382 00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:10,477 I'm hunting a shady character. 383 00:15:10,510 --> 00:15:12,445 Ah. 384 00:15:12,479 --> 00:15:14,581 - "Shady character," you say? - Yes. 385 00:15:14,614 --> 00:15:15,782 Great pint. 386 00:15:15,815 --> 00:15:17,450 Laszlo's his name. 387 00:15:17,484 --> 00:15:19,286 A slippery heathen more vile 388 00:15:19,319 --> 00:15:21,388 than the most vile villain. 389 00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:23,890 A pestilence masquerading as a man. 390 00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:25,558 - A cowardly worm of a person! - All right, all right, all right. 391 00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:27,560 I get your point, stranger. 392 00:15:27,594 --> 00:15:29,329 Sounds like a regular wacko. 393 00:15:29,362 --> 00:15:30,630 A real son of a bitch. 394 00:15:30,663 --> 00:15:31,898 - Yes. - I'll keep 395 00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:34,001 my peepers peeled for that guy. 396 00:15:34,034 --> 00:15:37,570 Well, then, uh, I will get out of your hair. 397 00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:39,139 Thank you for the strong beverage 398 00:15:39,172 --> 00:15:40,340 and your time. 399 00:15:40,373 --> 00:15:41,341 My pleasure. 400 00:15:41,374 --> 00:15:43,943 But if you see anybody 401 00:15:43,977 --> 00:15:46,013 that seems off... 402 00:15:47,847 --> 00:15:49,316 ...give me a call. 403 00:15:49,349 --> 00:15:51,351 Nice to meet you, Jim the Vampire. 404 00:15:53,186 --> 00:15:54,454 How... 405 00:15:54,487 --> 00:15:57,190 did you know my name? 406 00:16:00,027 --> 00:16:03,463 It's printed on your card very clearly. 407 00:16:03,496 --> 00:16:05,465 Oh. Right. 408 00:16:05,498 --> 00:16:07,934 - Eh, well, good night. - Good night. 409 00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:10,270 Oh. 410 00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:12,772 That was too fucking close for comfort. 411 00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:15,475 The smart thing to do now would be to get out of town. 412 00:16:15,508 --> 00:16:17,477 I mean, that's what Laszlo would do. 413 00:16:17,510 --> 00:16:19,946 But I'm not Laszlo. I'm Jackie Daytona. 414 00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:22,382 And I made a promise to this town. 415 00:16:28,921 --> 00:16:30,157 - Give me a "hell yeah!" - Hell yeah! 416 00:16:31,391 --> 00:16:33,693 Wasn't that something? 417 00:16:33,726 --> 00:16:36,496 Now, listen, I want to thank everyone for coming down. 418 00:16:36,529 --> 00:16:39,966 We have raised the money to send these girls to State! 419 00:16:41,601 --> 00:16:43,670 Way to go, Bucks! 420 00:16:43,703 --> 00:16:44,904 You enjoy yourself. 421 00:16:44,937 --> 00:16:46,005 If you want me, I'll be at the bar. 422 00:16:46,039 --> 00:16:47,674 Take it away, Luce. 423 00:16:51,211 --> 00:16:52,512 Hello, everyone. 424 00:16:52,545 --> 00:16:55,215 I, uh, don't normally do much singing in public, 425 00:16:55,248 --> 00:16:59,052 but a very good friend gave me the strength to be up here. 426 00:16:59,086 --> 00:17:01,321 This one's for you, Jackie. 427 00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:02,989 We love you, Jackie! 428 00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:07,827 How can it be permissible? 429 00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:11,064 Mmm 430 00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:15,001 She compromise my principle 431 00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:17,870 Yeah... 432 00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:22,575 I'm guessing the jig is up. 433 00:17:22,609 --> 00:17:24,377 It certainly is, 434 00:17:24,411 --> 00:17:25,878 if by "jig," 435 00:17:25,912 --> 00:17:28,781 you mean "the varsity volleyball team's chance 436 00:17:28,815 --> 00:17:31,884 of going to State," then, yes, the jig is up. 437 00:17:31,918 --> 00:17:34,053 Oh, you were talking about the volleyball? 438 00:17:34,087 --> 00:17:35,188 Mm, yes. 439 00:17:35,222 --> 00:17:37,023 I read your flyer. 440 00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:39,459 I was so heartbroken for the team, 441 00:17:39,492 --> 00:17:43,196 I decided to come back and spare a few bucks to help them out. 442 00:17:44,331 --> 00:17:46,199 Even though I am extremely poor... 443 00:17:46,233 --> 00:17:50,470 - Ah. - ...due to someone swindling me years ago. 444 00:17:50,503 --> 00:17:52,605 Anyway, 445 00:17:52,639 --> 00:17:55,608 your fundraiser has been my only source of hope 446 00:17:55,642 --> 00:17:57,544 in a long, long time. 447 00:17:57,577 --> 00:17:59,146 Well, then you'll be pleased to know that we've raised 448 00:17:59,179 --> 00:18:01,881 enough money to send the girls to State. 449 00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:03,550 Oh, thank goodness! 450 00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:07,154 You don't know how it warms my heart to hear that. 451 00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:10,457 Would you like a drink, old-timer? 452 00:18:10,490 --> 00:18:12,925 Yes, I'll have a... 453 00:18:12,959 --> 00:18:16,763 uh, one human alcohol martini, please. 454 00:18:16,796 --> 00:18:18,898 - Martini? An aristocrat. - Mm. 455 00:18:18,931 --> 00:18:20,300 I like that. 456 00:18:20,333 --> 00:18:23,002 The trend is irreversible 457 00:18:28,375 --> 00:18:29,642 Charlatan! 458 00:18:30,643 --> 00:18:32,011 Oh, shit. 459 00:18:32,044 --> 00:18:35,615 I'm guessing I've come to the end of the road. 460 00:18:35,648 --> 00:18:38,785 It was you the whole time. 461 00:18:38,818 --> 00:18:42,189 Prepare for your punishment, Cravensworth. 462 00:18:42,222 --> 00:18:44,824 It will not be swift. 463 00:18:44,857 --> 00:18:46,693 Not without a fight, me old fruit. 464 00:18:46,726 --> 00:18:48,027 Oh, my God, 465 00:18:48,060 --> 00:18:49,529 they're vampires! 466 00:18:55,835 --> 00:18:57,837 - Oh, they're gonna kill each other! - You had enough, old man? 467 00:18:57,870 --> 00:19:00,106 Shit! 468 00:19:10,217 --> 00:19:11,318 Eh. 469 00:19:21,694 --> 00:19:23,330 Oh, that's going to leave a mark! 470 00:19:23,363 --> 00:19:25,965 Hey, Jim the Vampire, 471 00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:29,035 - you're fired. - That doesn't even make any sense. 472 00:19:29,068 --> 00:19:30,837 I don't work for you. 473 00:19:34,574 --> 00:19:36,843 Oh, fire. Now I get it. 474 00:19:36,876 --> 00:19:38,511 - Shit! - The money for State! 475 00:19:38,545 --> 00:19:40,413 Oh, no! 476 00:19:40,447 --> 00:19:42,014 - No, no, no, no, no, no, no. - Oh! 477 00:19:42,048 --> 00:19:43,149 No! Get out! 478 00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:44,251 Hold on, hold on. 479 00:19:44,284 --> 00:19:46,018 I've got this covered. 480 00:19:46,052 --> 00:19:47,654 Shit. 481 00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:49,222 Oh, no. 482 00:19:49,256 --> 00:19:50,657 Ugh, no. 483 00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:52,959 Look what we've done. 484 00:19:55,061 --> 00:19:59,065 All these years of obsession and hatred. 485 00:19:59,098 --> 00:20:01,768 - Well... - You know who the real losers are in all this? 486 00:20:01,801 --> 00:20:04,203 The girls volleyball team. That's who. 487 00:20:04,237 --> 00:20:07,840 Kind of puts our whole beef in perspective, doesn't it? 488 00:20:07,874 --> 00:20:10,243 - I should say it does. - Mm. 489 00:20:10,277 --> 00:20:12,745 That debt I owe, I shall pay it. 490 00:20:12,779 --> 00:20:15,114 And I shall pay it in full. 491 00:20:15,147 --> 00:20:17,116 Even the most wealthy of vampires would struggle 492 00:20:17,149 --> 00:20:19,218 - to pay what you owe. - Ah. 493 00:20:19,252 --> 00:20:21,220 But even the most wealthy of vampires, 494 00:20:21,254 --> 00:20:22,822 they don't own what I own. 495 00:20:24,824 --> 00:20:27,894 - This. - What is this? 496 00:20:27,927 --> 00:20:29,529 Do you remember the Mechanical Turk? 497 00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:30,930 Ooh, yes. 498 00:20:30,963 --> 00:20:32,299 Well, this is the same thing in fish form. 499 00:20:32,332 --> 00:20:33,733 Don't ask me to explain 500 00:20:33,766 --> 00:20:36,303 how it works, 'cause it's unexplainable. 501 00:20:36,336 --> 00:20:39,372 Because there's only one in the whole world. 502 00:20:39,406 --> 00:20:40,773 Will they say I've spent my life 503 00:20:40,807 --> 00:20:42,542 - Look, look. - Isn't it splendid? 504 00:20:42,575 --> 00:20:46,479 Oh, I have never seen such beauty. 505 00:20:48,515 --> 00:20:50,283 Gonna take me down... 506 00:20:50,317 --> 00:20:53,720 Your debt is paid, Laszlo Cravensworth. 507 00:20:53,753 --> 00:20:55,488 - Excelsior. - Excelsior. 508 00:20:55,522 --> 00:20:59,759 And I apologize for the billiard ball to the head. 509 00:20:59,792 --> 00:21:01,961 Safe passage, sir. 510 00:21:01,994 --> 00:21:03,963 Still bustin' moves, still breaking... 511 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:09,402 Lucy. 512 00:21:09,436 --> 00:21:10,937 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. 513 00:21:10,970 --> 00:21:12,572 I just came to say goodbye. 514 00:21:12,605 --> 00:21:14,807 You're a very sweet girl, but it never would've worked. 515 00:21:14,841 --> 00:21:16,242 One, I'm married. 516 00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:20,012 Two, I'm a vampire. 517 00:21:20,046 --> 00:21:21,848 Time to get the fuck out of here. 518 00:21:32,291 --> 00:21:34,494 Fucking hell! 519 00:21:39,131 --> 00:21:42,101 I never learned to drive, which is a pity, 520 00:21:42,134 --> 00:21:44,270 'cause that thing cost a fortune. 521 00:21:44,303 --> 00:21:46,038 Bat! 522 00:21:46,072 --> 00:21:48,307 So it seems that the winding path of life... 523 00:21:48,341 --> 00:21:49,509 Guess who's back! 524 00:21:49,542 --> 00:21:50,877 ...has led me back to myself. 525 00:21:52,512 --> 00:21:54,113 Back to Laszlo. 526 00:21:54,146 --> 00:21:55,615 Yes! 527 00:21:55,648 --> 00:21:57,717 Everybody, my Laszlo is home! 528 00:21:57,750 --> 00:21:59,318 Hello, Laszlo. 529 00:21:59,352 --> 00:22:00,820 What? Is that it? 530 00:22:00,853 --> 00:22:02,455 - What? - I've been gone ages, 531 00:22:02,489 --> 00:22:04,190 and all you can do is, "Hello, Laszlo"? 532 00:22:04,223 --> 00:22:06,526 Please. You've been away for, like, one week. 533 00:22:06,559 --> 00:22:09,028 Are you kidding? I was a different person. 534 00:22:09,061 --> 00:22:11,297 I was Jackie Daytona. 535 00:22:11,330 --> 00:22:14,033 I said "Welcome back," didn't I? Fucking guy. 536 00:22:14,066 --> 00:22:15,234 - Who cares? - Let's go. 537 00:22:15,267 --> 00:22:17,303 - To the boudoir. - Ooh! 538 00:22:17,336 --> 00:22:19,005 Run! I'm so horny! 539 00:22:19,038 --> 00:22:20,306 Some of Jackie Daytona's 540 00:22:20,339 --> 00:22:22,475 good-naturedness has rubbed off on me. 541 00:22:22,509 --> 00:22:24,310 I set Lucky Brew's ablaze 542 00:22:24,343 --> 00:22:26,312 and picked up the insurance money 543 00:22:26,345 --> 00:22:28,214 to put the girls volleyball team 544 00:22:28,247 --> 00:22:29,348 through to State. 545 00:22:30,850 --> 00:22:32,419 Thing is, 546 00:22:32,452 --> 00:22:34,521 one of the waitstaff was still in the building, 547 00:22:34,554 --> 00:22:37,356 so I had to set fire to another building to pay for his funeral. 548 00:22:37,390 --> 00:22:39,592 And after hypnotizing the entire town 549 00:22:39,626 --> 00:22:42,495 into forgetting vampires ever existed, 550 00:22:42,529 --> 00:22:44,831 I put in a good word for a new friend. 551 00:22:44,864 --> 00:22:46,999 Nice hustle, Jessica! 552 00:22:47,033 --> 00:22:49,201 Teamwork pays off! Very good, very good! 553 00:22:49,235 --> 00:22:53,005 Yeah! Don't be afraid to draw blood. 554 00:22:53,039 --> 00:22:54,607 Yes! 555 00:22:54,641 --> 00:22:55,842 And you know what? 556 00:22:55,875 --> 00:22:58,077 I think we could all use a bit of Jackie Daytona 557 00:22:58,110 --> 00:23:00,079 time and again. 558 00:23:01,113 --> 00:23:02,114 Oh, no. 559 00:23:02,148 --> 00:23:04,116 Who the hell are you? 560 00:23:04,150 --> 00:23:07,219 And what on earth are you doing in my boudoir? 561 00:23:07,253 --> 00:23:10,256 - Relax, my darling. It's me. - Laszlo! 562 00:23:10,289 --> 00:23:12,592 You scared me half to death. 563 00:23:12,625 --> 00:23:14,126 Oh. 564 00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:18,297 You're back. So, what is your name, stranger? 565 00:23:18,330 --> 00:23:19,599 My name is Jackie. 566 00:23:19,632 --> 00:23:22,268 Jackie Daytona. 567 00:23:22,301 --> 00:23:24,303 - Come here. - Ooh. 568 00:23:24,336 --> 00:23:25,938 I want to see if your other toothpick 569 00:23:25,972 --> 00:23:28,074 is made of wood. 570 00:23:31,343 --> 00:23:34,581 Born to travel 571 00:23:34,614 --> 00:23:38,050 Free to roam 572 00:23:38,084 --> 00:23:39,619 Get ready! 573 00:23:39,652 --> 00:23:41,387 - Oh, no! - Oh! What the...? 574 00:23:42,655 --> 00:23:44,056 Oh, no! 575 00:23:44,090 --> 00:23:45,892 My Mechanical Turk! 576 00:23:45,925 --> 00:23:47,760 - Hey. - Oh, no! 577 00:23:47,794 --> 00:23:49,562 Hey, hey, hey. Don't worry about it. 578 00:23:49,596 --> 00:23:51,163 You can get those anywhere. I'll just bring you a new one 579 00:23:51,197 --> 00:23:52,198 tomorrow, okay? 580 00:23:54,667 --> 00:23:59,405 Cravensworth...! 581 00:23:59,438 --> 00:24:02,408 Born to travel 582 00:24:02,441 --> 00:24:06,412 Far and wide 583 00:24:06,445 --> 00:24:11,484 It's not the life fit for a bride 584 00:24:11,518 --> 00:24:14,253 'Cause he's a traveling man 585 00:24:14,286 --> 00:24:16,623 Since then, I've found out there's a indie band 586 00:24:16,656 --> 00:24:18,525 also called Jackie Daytona 587 00:24:18,558 --> 00:24:20,459 operating in Texas. 588 00:24:20,493 --> 00:24:21,861 I listened to their music, 589 00:24:21,894 --> 00:24:24,330 and I'm pretty confident there's no conflict. 590 00:24:24,363 --> 00:24:25,998 And I have to say this, 591 00:24:26,032 --> 00:24:29,001 'cause someone called Mark from Clearance told me to. 592 00:24:30,803 --> 00:24:35,708 There's lots of places to see that's new 593 00:24:35,742 --> 00:24:39,946 When you're a traveling man 594 00:24:39,979 --> 00:24:42,982 Traveling man 595 00:24:43,015 --> 00:24:44,984 Whoa, a traveling man. 596 00:24:45,017 --> 00:24:47,486 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH 597 00:24:52,491 --> 00:24:54,226 Spirits, uncloak yourselves. 598 00:24:54,260 --> 00:24:56,596 - There's no such thing as ghosts. - Okay. Here we go again. 599 00:24:59,031 --> 00:25:02,068 I think someone summoned a breakfast burrito. 600 00:25:05,872 --> 00:25:06,873 Hey! 601 00:25:10,109 --> 00:25:11,243 This is your station. 602 00:25:12,411 --> 00:25:15,281 But what am I actually doing here? 603 00:25:15,381 --> 00:25:17,216 I'm not gonna tell you. 604 00:25:17,249 --> 00:25:19,586 Don't worry. You're gonna figure it out. 605 00:25:29,528 --> 00:25:31,731 I had no idea what I would find 606 00:25:31,764 --> 00:25:33,566 when I went searching for my father. 607 00:25:33,600 --> 00:25:36,368 They flashed the Zodiac Killer, and my heart stopped. 608 00:25:36,402 --> 00:25:39,105 He believes he is the son of the Zodiac. 609 00:25:45,144 --> 00:25:47,046 It was 1969. 610 00:25:47,079 --> 00:25:48,781 I was pregnant and scared. 611 00:25:48,815 --> 00:25:52,218 I signed the affidavit for Roe v. Wade. 612 00:25:52,251 --> 00:25:54,954 She was not the poster girl that would have been helpful. 613 00:25:54,987 --> 00:25:56,055 What? 614 00:25:56,088 --> 00:25:59,091 - Born-again Christian. - Hallelujah! 615 00:25:59,125 --> 00:26:02,962 When you do what we did to Norma, you lose your soul. 616 00:26:04,130 --> 00:26:06,165 People are shocked I've never had an abortion. 617 00:26:08,735 --> 00:26:10,603 This is my deathbed confession. 42358

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