All language subtitles for Very Small Business s01e05 Systems Analysis.eng

(upbeat music)

- We're making an ad for the telly.

♪ Don's dirty, Don's dirty,
Don's dirty dog wash ♪

80-grand profit, Raymondo.

That's an eight with four
duck eggs coming out its ass.

Quack, quack, quack.

- His name is Lloyd,
we met through church.

- She's not my kid.

I only found out six years ago.

- So who's the father?

- Jerome.

You have to stop ringing me.

- Oh, okay.

- It's an inappropriate level of contact.

- Right.

- Tony Orsini, I'm his printer.

- Kerry Achaemenes.

- You've got three days to find
my money, you little wanker.

- I'm recommending you see a psychologist.

- It's my ass, not my head.

(futuristic upbeat music)

♪ This country is the best around ♪

♪ You can be what you wanna be ♪

♪ It's got great infrastructure ♪

♪ And a top economy ♪

♪ You can make it as a movie star ♪

♪ A swimmer or a gymnast ♪

♪ It's the land of opportunity ♪

♪ If you want to start a small business ♪

- [Janet] Dear Ray.

Thank you so much for
the card, it was lovely.

Apology Accepted.

I completely understand how
frenetic it must be in there.

Hope you like the CD, it's by:

The Camberwell Woodwind and Brass Band,

in which I play in.

Talk soon, hopefully.

Yours, Janet.

(brass instrumental music)

(upbeat rock music)

- G'day.

How you doing?

I'm just here for a little
bit of sports psychology.

Nothing mental.

I'm a golfer, you know?

Just looking to lower my handicap.

No offense?

Okay.

(dramatic brass instrumental music)

(cellphone ringing)

- Ray Leonard.

- Worldwide business group,

how can I help grow you
business this morning?

- Yeah.

- Say it.

- Worldwide business group,

how can I help grow your
business this morning?

- Image is everything in
this business you know?

- Yep.

- I've got an idea I want
you to start working on

for the Railway Union Monthly.

Send a message to our boys in
Afghanistan, dollar per line,

No business in the state
will dare turn us down,

were going to have pages of the things

so what I need from you
is some patriotic filler

about diggers and everything,

so just to set it all up, okay.

- Well how are the boys in Afghanistan,

gonna get hold of the
Railway Union Monthly?

- Look, it doesn't matter

that they will never see the messages,

thats the beauty of the idea, Ray.

It's to give people here an outlet

for their appreciation of our boys.

- It's a bit exploitative isn't it?

A bit deceitful.

- Are you a greeny or something?

Everybody is fair game in
business, even the stupid.

It's survival of the least stupid.

Sorry.

Look, another thing that I
need you to do this morning,

because I'm going to be tied
up with some tests on my guts.

It's the dog wash.

There is a couple of punters coming in

to have a look at the franchise,
so unfortunately for everybody concerned,

you'll have to take them through it.

- No, no, no, I didn't sign up for that.

- I'm not asking you to
close the deal, I'll do that.

Just play them a bit of saxophone,
light a couple of candles

and I'll swoop in and Roger them later.

If you know what I mean.

- Yep.

- [Jasmine] Mr. Angel.

- Yeah.

Yeah, look, I gotta go.

Oh and if someone called Roxly turns up

looking for Marcus Good.

Just get her to hang
around until I get back.

Okay, good on ya, bye.

Okay, just...

(upbeat rock music)

- So how does this work?

Do I just start talking or...

- If that's what you would like to do.

- I have no idea why I'm here.

- Your doctor suggested some counseling

might help with your stomach complaint.

- Yeah, might help with your
mortgage repayments too.

Does he get some sort of
kickback out of this or.

- No, that would be unethical.

- Yeah, well shrinks
touching up their clients

is unethical too but that doesn't
seem to stop them does it?

I'm not suggesting that you do,

mind you, if you want to,

I'm sure we can come to some
sort of discount arrangement.

(laughing)

Lighten up.

This is fucked.

- You mentioned a discount.

Medicare now covers up to 12
counseling sessions a year.

So you'll get most of my $190 fee back,

if you're worried bout that.

- A $190 for sitting on
your ass, having a chat.

Well, no offense.

So what, you do about
eight of these a day?

That's about $1500, that's $7500 a week.

And what are your overheads?

A bit of rent, bit of electricity,

some shitty old furniture
from the Salvo's?

It's a pretty good scam
you've got going here.

- Do you think it's a scam?

- Oh, I'm sure it's all very legit.

- But it bothers you,

that I might make a lot
of money doing this?

- No.

- There are other things that
are more important in life.

- What might that be?

- Kids would be number one for sure, and.

Australia, I love Australia.

Good music, a bit of country.

(upbeat rock music)

- Excuse me, are you Marcus?

- Are you the dog wash?

- No, I'm the massage, there
was no mention of dogs.

- This is World Wide Business Group.

- Yeah, I'm Roxly, I've
got an ad in feeling great.

Marcus wouldn't accept cash,
so that's why I'm here.

- He's not in this morning.

- Right, look, I don't
really want to reschedule,

because this is sort of out of
my way, are you his partner?

- I'm the senior journalist.

- 'Cause I don't care
who gets the massage.

You fancy one?

- I think divorce is a good idea.

She doesn't want to be with me,
I don't want to be with her,

and I am not into living a
lie, so lets write it off.

Marriage is like a business,

sometimes they work, sometimes they don't.

I'll just call in the emotional receivers,

wind it up, start another one.

- Why didn't it work do you think?

- Wow, it like, I want to fly,

I want to soar like a
small business eagle,

but Tina just clips my wings.

"I need money for this, I need
money for that", fuck off.

I'm trying to build a foothold

into a competitive marketplace.

Did you really need to
spend a $130 on a haircut?

Mine cost $12.50.

Did you really need another pair of shoes?

Are you a fucking millipede?

- So you felt you couldn't
satisfy her needs?

- The Sultan of Brunei
couldn't satisfy her needs.

So look, it's fine, it's
over, it's no dramas.

She's a dud root anyway.

Should have married her sister,
she went of like a cracker.

- You've had sex with Tina's sister?

- No, heard her in the next room.

- How is business?

- Good, very very good, Jasmine.

Exciting times.

- Must be a struggle sometimes,
running your own business?

- Not if you have as many as I do, no.

- So you're making good money?

- It's a bit of a personal
question isn't it?

I mean who's the Salvo's furniture?

- Must be hard having to meet
deadlines the whole time?

(grunting)

- It's very stressful.

- Should we come back later?

- Good day, I'm not paying
her, no, she's a freebee.

A client, this is Contra.

- Hello, Contra.

- You want me to wipe you down?
- No, I'll wipe myself later,

and I will square that with Don.

- Marcus?

- Yep, Marcus.

- Kay, you feel a bit more relaxed now?

- Hmm.

- This is Lloyd.

Lloyd, Ray.

- Good to meet you Ray.

- Good day.

- Yes, good day indeed.

- Congratulations Ray,
I know she's not yours,

but, well, you've moulded
her into a beautiful shape

in every sense.

- Must make you wish you
were 20 years younger.

- Not at all Ray, do you?

- Do I wish you were 20 years younger?

- Do you wish you were?

- See you later.

- Bye.

- Bye Contra, Lieutenant of God ministry.

If you are ever seeking
a spiritual massage,

we're always looking for new blood.

- So, um, it's my graduation, on the 20th,

and I wanted to ask you to come.

- All right, well, thanks.

Do I dare ask who else will be there?

- Well Lloyd mom and Jerome.

- And Jesus.

- And Jesus.

I really want you there though.

You should be there.

- Well Lloyd and Jesus are fine,

but how do you expect me to be

in the same room as those other two.

- Oh, come on, this isn't about you.

This is about me, me Lesley.

- And the Lord.

- And the Lord.

- Les, I haven't spoken to her

since she walked out of
our house six years ago.

- It's at the institute of
technology at 2:00 on the 20th.

If you're not there,

you can forget about ever
speaking to me again.

(footsteps)

- Or me Ray, we come as a package.

- I'll take that into account.

- [Lesley] Lloyd.

(crying)

- Hello.

- Don's dirty, Don's
dirty, Don's dirty dog wash

Don's dirty dog wash, woof woof woof.

- Fuck it.

Welcome to World Wide Business Group,

how can I help grow your business?

- Can I ask how many business operations

have you got going at the moment?

- Counting the vending machines, 12.

- Why so may?

- Because diversification
is the mother of money.

- But focusing on one business
could be more successful.

- Tina didn't get this
either, must be a chick thing.

I can't go back to just
having one business.

That would be like, um,
cutting off one of my legs.

And that's not who I am.

I do not amputate limbs, I grow them.

I see opportunity everywhere,

and when I see it, I
pounce with all my limbs.

- Do you think perhaps you don't finish

all the things you start?

- No I do not, Jasmine.

I'm very strict about
seeing things through.

I am a see through man.

- Have you ever thought you
might be frightened of success?

- Urg, Pft, deary me.

Would you like to swap seats?

Because that was seriously mental.

- What line of work was your father in?

- Ah, here we go.

Yeah, alright, my father
used to hit me, you know,

I'm not going to blame him
because my bum is broken.

He hit my sister too,

and there is nothing wrong with her ass,
she's got an absolute belter.

- Why did he hit you, do you think?

- Well I know why.

He's pissed off because he got the sack

when some Greek bozo
bought the panel beaters

and hired all his Greek mates.

I'd be having a few sherbets
and throwing my weight around too.

Bloody multiculturalism is
great unless you're Australian.

- So he never worked again?

- No.

- Maybe you're frightened

of being more successful
than you're father?

- If I'm sober enough to put
my pants on in the morning,

I'm already more successful than him.

- You get the trailer,
including wheels and tires.

Brake lights and
indicators already fitted.

The logo is painted on it,

the wash tub with on
board water reservoir,

a map and the whole idea of it for $91k,

tow away, no more to pay.

- $91,000?

- Yeah.

- What suburbs do we get for that?

- Take a pick, it's a doggy smorges board.

Its a smorges dog.

(laughing)

- Now look, this is exactly
what we've been looking for.

I mean we get to keep working,

and we see more of each other.

- So we would be the
first to buy one of these?

- Pretty exciting, hey?

- Pioneer spirit, and I
finally get to be my own boss love.

- You don't have to answer to anyone.

You don't have to be nice
to anyone you don't like.

You can't put a price on that
kind of freedom can you now?

- No way.

- You seem to have managed.

So will any car pull that
trailer or do we have to upgrade?

- Good question, Carly.

- Thanks.

- My pleasure, what sort
of car do you drive?

- 2001 BMW seven series.

- That is ideal.

I mean this will look
great hooked up to that.

And I love the idea of
someone who drives a beamer,

washing my dog, one for the workers hey.

- Yes.

- It says we can expect to
make over $100,000 a year,

and we charge $30 per dog?

- Yep.

- That's 66 dogs per week.

- Yep.

- And how long does it take to wash a dog?

- Bit over an hour.

- That's six 11 hour days Noel.

- Yes, but I will be my own boss, love.

- But who do you think

is going to end up
washing most of the dogs?

- I will wash most of them,

and then you just wash the bits
of them that I can't get to.

- Let's not forget our
friend Peter Profit though.

Your costs are virtually nil.

A bit of petrol, a bit of shampoo,

you're pinching the water
from the garden taps.

It's basically $95k in your pocket.

$95,000.

That's a nine and a five

with three duck eggs coming out of my ass.

Quack, quack, quack.

- We need to get going.

- Do we?

- Go away and have a
think about everything.

- By all means, go away, have
a think about everything,

but I should tell you that
I do have some other parties

who are very interested in this area here,

this prime area through
Toorak and Armadale,

the poodle belt.

And I would hate to see you miss out

on some high maintenance pooches, so--

(telephone rings)

can you excuse me for a minute?

- Absolutely mate.

What?

- Ray Lenord, Laurel Croyde News,

how can I help you grow your knowledge

of Lower Croydon based events?

- Dic Denier here, Able Cane Furniture.

What kind of a half ass operation

are you people running in there?

- Usual sort.

- I've just spent over $800
on a half page advertisement,

which was supposed to be
published five days ago.

My sale only lasts a week,

most of it's over and still
there is no sign of it.

What is it, a monthly
newspaper or halley's comet.

I do not conduct a sale lightly.

- Your bloody analysis of someone

presumes that they're telling the truth,

but if I lie, your
analysis is complete crap.

- What would be the point of that?

- So you don't know anything about me.

So I get one over you.

- Why would you want to get one over me?

- That's what it's all about isn't it, hm?

- I think I can tell when
someone is lying to me,

and I don't think your stomach
would be troubling you so.

(cellphone rings)

- Don Angel.

- Don.

- Ray.

- Dic Denier.

- Dirty Dic, yes.

- He's fairly unhappy
that Laurel Croyde News

hasn't come out yet.

- Is he, the old poof.

Yeah, well I'm not creaming
my slacks about it either Ray.

I've only sold $1600
worth of adds in it so far

and I need $4000 before
we can go to print.

- Okay, well I'll pass that on.

- Well don't tell him that,
bullshit him you idiot.

- Tell him we're holding over for a

bumper double edition issue,
some shit like that, okay?

- Yep, and the printer, Tony
Orsini rang, he sounded mad.

- Of course he's mad, I owe him money.

I'm dealing with it okay.

- Okay.

- Bloody hell.

- Howecome I'm the one in
here talking to a shrink

when that nobelob is out there

running my company into the ground?

- Dic?

- Yes?

- We're holding it back

for a bumper double edition issue, mate.

- Oh ass!

- It seems that the way
you run your businesses,

clearly irritates your stomach.

It's not surprising, you owe people money,

you're lying to cover your tracks...

(cellphone rings)
- hang about.

Which prick is this?

- Don Angel.

Just hang on a minute.

Could you just say "Mr. King's office"?

(sighs)

Hayden King

Dic Denier.

Dic, sorry about this my friend.

Don't know a printer who
sticks to his word do you?

- I'm beginning to wonder

if anyone sticks to their word these days.

- [Don] Tell me about it Dic.

(shouting on other side of telephone)

Yeah, I didn't mean literally
- It's been a complete waste of time.

- [Don] Yeah, absolutely.

It's a complete waste
(opening toilet)

of everyone's time.
(belt unbuckling)

- Are you at the toilet?

- No, no, no. I'm at a gala kitchen,

but Dic, look I don't get
paid by the advertisers

until the paper comes out,

so this is much worse for
me than it is for you.

- You get my money back to
me by the end of the week,

or you'll be hearing from my solicitors.

(Grunting)
(rock music)

- Good day mate, us again.

- Ah.

- Look we just got a couple
more questions for you,

if you don't mind.

- Fire away.

- Remind me.

- Insurance.

- Does the price include
public liability insurance?

- We could throw that in if you like.

- Great, and uniforms, are they included?

- Hm, don't.

- I'm sorry to ask all these questions.

- If we are going to invest

all of Noel's workers
compensation payout in this,

we do want to be sure.

- Right, was that the arm?

- Yeah, I was a machinist

and got it caught in the jig borer.

- Wow, with no safety guard?

- He was fixing it at the time.

- There are no uniforms.

- Well, that's okay, I mean
we can wear our own clothes.

Shampoo, we've got a friend

that can supply the
shampoo really cheaply,

now we don't have to
buy that off you, do we?

- Yes.

- We do?

- Yeah.

- Certainly got it's
pro's and con's hasn't it?

- Yeah, if I can just recap
on those con's though.

You do get filthily and wet,

and it would be pretty
unpleasant in winter.

Now obviously dogs do bite,
so there's rabies to consider.

- Perhaps your stomach troubles might be

because you're full of shit.

Now that's not a
subjective analysis by me,

but it may be a way you,

at a subconscious level, view yourself.

- I can get that sort of
abuse free from my clients,

I don't need to pay a $190 an hour for it.

I'm not full of shit.

- I'm not saying you are.

- People know where they stand with me.

You know, they might not like what I say,

but I tell it to them straight.

In business, with my family,
I don't bullshit my kids,

tell them I love them every five minutes.

Actions speak louder than words.

I'm trying to be the best small
businessmen I can for them,

and I know...

- We need to finish there.

- No we don't, I'm not full of...

You need to take that back, please.

- I understand it's difficult

when these sessions end abruptly,

perhaps it's something we
can talk about next time?

- Next time?

How many of these bloody things

is it going to take for you to fix me up?

- We really do need to finish there.

- Okay, how much is it to
keep going for five minutes?

I'll give you $20.

- It doesn't work like that.

- Right.

You're virtually a mental
prostitute, aren't you?

People come in here, they pour
their hearts out and you--

- We really do need to finish there.

(rock music)

- [Ray] I'm currently
unable to take your call

but leave your name and number

and I'll get back to you ASAP.

- [Janet] Oh, hi Ray, it's Janet Wilson.

Look I just wanted to...

- Janet.

- Oh, screening, and you picked me up.

Look I just wanted to check

that you got the Camberwell band CD,

and that it played alright.

- Yeah, played fine.

- Ah, sweet, and you honestly liked it?

- Where is the little prick?

- He's not in.

- You in charge?

- I wouldn't go that far.

- What's your name?

- Harvey Bunning.

- Well tell him Tony Orsini called,

and give him this for me Harvey.

(bone cracking)

(rock music)

- Ray, Ray?

(grunting)

Have I lost you?

(telephone ringing)

- Uh.

- Ray.

- Uh.

- How you doing?

- Huh.

- Look, I don't think I'm going to make it

back in this afternoon mate,

are you going to be okay on your own?

- Hm, ff.

- How about a sentence, mate?

(groaning)

- Have you finished that Afghan piece?

(groaning)

- Well read it out to me.

- [Automated] War, what is it good for?

Well revenge for one thing,

taking revenge on a
country that has threatened

your way of life, or deceived
you, or cheated on you.

War is also good for distracting attention

from domestic political problems.

Of course these things
were conveniently omitted

form the song lyric as they
would have been difficult

to scan or and rhyme with,

and would have undermined
the central premise

that war was good for absolutely nothing.

The Aussie digger has a
well-earned reputation

for extraordinary courage and mateship

in the heat of battle.

Without wishing to diminish
the significance of this,

it is difficult to think
of a country who's soldiers

have a reputation for displaying
cowardice and selfishness

in the face of adversity, or divorce.

- What the fuck.

(upbeat rock music)

♪ If you want to start a small business ♪

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