Original subtitles

(upbeat music)

- I am seriously considering adding a mobile dog wash

to the Worldwide group of companies.

- I might have found you a job.

It's doing all the signage for a new dog wash franchise.

Oh, these are brilliant.

Far more impressive than I expected.

- From me?

- No, for us.

- [Don] "Don's Dirty Dog Wash".

You can't teach that sorta stuff.

- It's Janet Wilson.

The autumn sale's been just huge, right?

Thanks to you and your wonderful editorial.

- Uh-huh?

- Maybe I could call you back?

- Yep.

- Okay?

- 50% of my assets?

Can she really claim that?

- I have no idea.

- What do you expect me to do with them?

- Be their father.

- I'm running a business, Tina.

I can't be their father as well.

(upbeat techno music)

♪ This country is the best around ♪

♪ You can be what you wanna be ♪

♪ It's got great infrastructure ♪

♪ And a top economy ♪

♪ You can make it as a movie star ♪

♪ A swimmer or a gymnast ♪

♪ It's the land of opportunity ♪

♪ If you want to start a small business ♪

- Tony?

Yeah, Tony?

You'll get paid as soon as I get paid.

- Fuck that!

You've had six weeks!

If you don't transfer that money

into my account within the hour,

I will personally come over there and make you cry.

- Hey, hey, Tony.

- I'm fuckin' serious, asshole!

- Nah, lost him.

- [Tony] 43 grand--

- Ray, just-- just hang on a minute.

(thudding footsteps)

(door opens)

(whistling)

G'day.

(door slams)

Just, uh--

Scrape the number off the front door, will you?

(upbeat music)

(door opens)

(upbeat music)

I think the, uh, tablets have actually made it worse.

- I don't think so.

They are specifically for stomach pain.

- Well, have you got any that stop stomach pain?

(Don chuckles)

- You can hop down now.

- Hey, I'm only joshin' ya.

(muffled baby cries) - Stress can be a factor

in irritable bowel, are you under any pressure

at home or on the work front?

- Stress, schmesh.

Mate, I eat pressure for breakfast.

- Muesli with prunes would be better.

- Oh, so sue me for being under a bit of pressure.

It's blokes under pressure like me

that pump the dough into the taxation pipeline,

so that jimmies like you can scoop it out

of that Medicare gravy train.

Eh?

- Look, I can't find a physiological reason

for your symptoms.

Therefore, I'm recommending you see a psychologist.

- It's my ass, not my head.

(phone rings)

- Okay, that'll be $55 for today.

- 55 bucks for a quack to tell me

that I need a shrink for my bum.

(Nokia ringtone)

Go away, ya mole!

- Little turd won't answer my calls.

Are you sure he didn't leave any money here for me?

Four weeks without child support.

What am I supposed to do, walk the streets?

Not in this clobber.

I mean, would you pick me up wearing this?

You know what this is?

It's Royal Automobile Club travel wear, for Christ's sake.

They flog it in their magazines.

I mean, yes, it's comfortable.

But he gets it on contra.

Is that any way for a woman to live, 12 years on contra?

I begged him to get a regular job

with a good income, but he just refused.

"You're stifling my commercial creativity."

(Tina laughs)

Yeah, he's really expressing himself here, isn't he?

(Tina scoffs)

He must be doing all right if he's employing you, though.

- Well, I only work here part-time.

- You've got a nice speaking voice.

I didn't notice that before.

- I hadn't spoken before.

- Oh.

- And I'm on $12 an hour.

(Tina laughs)

Man, you must be desperate.

So, you can't be supporting a family on that?

- No.

- Well, come on.

I spilled my guts, what's your story?

Happily married?

Happily single?

- Well, I'm separated.

- Hmm, why?

- I found out my daughter wasn't mine.

- Ouch.

So, why aren't you divorced?

- Well, divorce seems a bit final.

- Hm, bloody hope so.

Right, well that's most of my morning wasted.

You see, this is the problem.

I spend half my life chasing him for money.

You couldn't lend me 50 bucks, could you, Ray?

- Ah, um...

(Ray clears throat)

Well, I've only got a 50.

- Oh, that's okay!

I can break it at the milk bar.

- Yep.

- So, tell Don that he owes you 50 bucks.

And tell him that's he gotta pick up the kids today

and he's gotta keep them overnight because I've got book group.

I'm gonna spoil myself today.

I'm getting a Brazilian wax.

You don't wanna be getting one of those on contra.

(cheerful music)

(horns beeping)

(cheerful music)

(truck honks)

(cheerful music)

- Okay, Ray.

All right.

You're a franchisee, huh?

And you are bloody stoked to be out of the office

and working in the outdoors, all right?

You're really enjoying the freedom of your new career.

- What's this for?

- Uh, we're making an ad for the telly. - Will it be on during The Simpsons?

- Uh, probably a bit later.

- What time?

- Just later.

- Nine o'clock?

- After midnight, all right?

You're up for a take?

- Yeah. - Yep.

And... action!

(dog sniffs)

- Won't this be a bit boring?

- [Don] Smiling.

Smiling, Ray, hey?

Shampoo now.

Label to the front.

Smiling.

It will not be boring, my friend,

because I'm gonna be zooming in and out like this.

Eh?

Yes.

Yeah.

And we'll cut it up really fast.

You know, we'll have the theme song going underneath.

♪ Don's Dirty, Don's Dirty, ♪

♪ Don's Dirty Dog Wash ♪

♪ Don's Dirty, Don's Dirty, ♪

♪ Don's Dirty Dog Wash ♪

♪ Dog Wash, Dog Wash, ♪

♪ Dog Wash, Dog Wash ♪

♪ Don's Dirty, Dirty, Dirty, ♪

♪ Dirty Dog Wash ♪

Dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty--

Smiling, Ray.

Buying this franchise is the best thing you've ever done.

80 grand profit, raymondo.

Think of those duck eggs

Coming out of ducks.

I wanna face that says "80k", that's it.

And get under the belly.

Get it round.

And there, you get under there, that's it.

Clean under it.

What've you found?

- Jesus.

- Jesus, whoa.

Is that you?

- No?

- Stand up, that's it.

Bring the dog out, out you come, big boy.

Hold it.

Hold it!

Hold him, Ray!

(dog barks) What are you doing?

What are you doing?

- The dog got away.

(phone rings) (dog barks)

Don?

Don!

- Just bear with me, Ray.

I'm just changing a battery.

(phone rings)

- Ray Leonard.

- Hello, Ray!

Graham Gilroy.

- Graham.

Hello.

(Graham laughs)

- I couldn't believe it when Melissa said you rang.

It's only taken you six fuckin' years

to return the call.

Well, how are you then?

- Yeah, I'm very well, thank you,

(dog growls) Graham.

- I'll just cut there, shall I?

- I heard you went a little cuckoo.

I mean, fair enough.

All our business with Leslie

must've seriously fucked your brain up.

Made good copy though, I'll tell you what.

If you wanna pump out any more of that stuff,

(muffled feedback) - No, no.

No, I was actually ringing to inquire

as to whether you had any vacancies in your

(dog growls) graphic design department?

It's for Leslie.

- Come on, you bastard.

- Look, I've gotta go Graham.

I'm... on a Scottish deerhound.

- Melissa!

See if there's room in graphics

for another fruit bat, will ya?

- Okay, kids.

And... away you go!

- The Dirty Dog Wash man is a dog's best friend.

- And at these prices, he must be barking mad.

- Competitive franchises are available now.

It's satisfying and loads of fun.

So, get out of the rat race

and make your living doggy-style.

- [Man's Voice] Oi!

What are you doing with my dog?

- Uh, that's a wrap. - [Man's Voice] Hey!

(upbeat music)

- [Don] Ray!

- [Man's Voice] Hey you, what's your story?

(upbeat music)

- [Ray] Oh, you have to pick up your kids from school.

- Who says?

- Tina.

And have them overnight.

- When were you speaking to Tina?

- She dropped round this morning.

- Why can't she have them?

- She's got book group.

- Book group?

Checkbook group, I'd believe that.

Sitting around with her mates discussing how much

they've ripped off their husbands in the last week.

- And you owe me $50.

- What for?

- Child support.

- Oh, you didn't give her money, did you?

- Y-- yeah?

- Pull the hook out of your mouth.

(Don chuckles)

Was she gettin' busty, huh?

Did she show you a bit of cleavage?

- I don't recall.

- Aw, I bet she did.

(Don laughs)

You have been boosy-whipped, mate.

I'm sorry, I can't be held responsible for that.

You need to get your gray organ in charge,

not your pink organ.

(Don laughs)

Book group.

Yeah, well I've got looking after two kids

whilst paying a mortgage and rent on a shitty flat group

and attendance is fuckin' compulsory.

(engine revs)

(car pulling up)

Where is everyone?

- Gone home.

- School finished an hour ago.

- Uh, yep.

Sorry about that.

Uh... bit of a mix-up.

- Where's Mom?

- Who knows?

- She's having a Brazilian wax.

- What's that?

- It's where they remove your pubic hair.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

All right?

- There's no room for us.

- Uh, yeah, hang on.

Sorry guys, but the trailer's a little bit wet

for the camera gear, so um...

You'll have to ride shotgun,

which will be a bit of fun, won't it, hey?

(car door shuts) Come on.

In you pop.

- Can we have chicken and chips for dinner?

- All right.

- Yes.

- I don't want chicken and chips.

- Well, what do you want?

- Roast vegetables?

- Well, they got mashed potato.

That's pretty good, isn't it?

Look, we'll sort it out when we get there, all right?

See you in a flash.

(upbeat music)

(car door shuts) Okay.

(upbeat music)

(horn beeps)

Jesus! (horn beeps)

We're at a school zone, huh?

- [Woman] Get outta here! - [Don] Oh, please.

If you don't mind?

I'll wait for you!

Thank you very much, bloody hell.

- [Kids] Ow!

(upbeat music)

- So, she told you she was getting a Brazilian?

- Yep.

- Four birthdays in a row, I asked her to get one of them.

So, she specifically said a Brazilian?

- Yep.

- She mention an Uncle Simon?

- No?

- Where do you sit on the old Braziliano, Ray?

You like bit of clear runway for your landing gear?

(Don laughs)

- I like a big bush.

(upbeat music)

- [Kids] Ow!

Dad!

Dad!

(upbeat music)

- [Don] Okie-dokie.

(upbeat music)

Oh, Sam!

- Alex set the hose on me.

- I did not!

- Alex, you dickhead!

- I didn't, it was an accident.

- Well, I'll accidentally kick you

up the ass in a minute.

Go inside and get cleaned up.

Get outta those wet clothes, there's some brand new outfits

in the boxes just outside the bathroom.

Well, you can keep one of them if you cheer up a bit.

- You always believe her, you never believe me.

- Well, try telling the truth.

Or get better at lying, one of the two,

'cause that was just crap.

Now, help me bring some of this stuff inside.

- I don't want to.

- I don't care.

- Telling the truth.

- Ugh, I believe you, I just don't care.

Why'd you do that to her?

- She was annoying me.

- Well just ignore her, walk away.

That's what I do.

- Yeah, I know.

(door opens)

- Jesus, can't leave a nougat log here either.

(gentle electric guitar music)

(phone text tone)

(gentle electric guitar music)

(bag slams down)

You okay?

(answering machine beeps)

- [Janet] Oh hi, it's Janet Wilson

from Wilson Woodwind and Brass.

Just looking for Ray Leonard.

(Janet laughs) Ray, if you could give me a call please,

that'd be great.

You've got my number at work,

I'll just give you my mobile.

It's zero, four, zero, zero,

one, zero, one, triple five.

And home is eight, six, one, eight,

five, seven, three, zero.

Okay! (giggles)

Talk soon, hopefully.

Bye!

- Aw, hello.

(laughs) That's very nice.

(Don laughs)

Oh, I think we might've hit on something here.

- What?

- It's your no-frills drag act.

Hm?

Ray Lina.

She's not your usual glitzy showgirl,

she's a sensible, driving holiday housewife.

(Don laughs)

It's obviously getting Janet Wilson the horn, though?

Eh?

Ray?

You're obviously uh, tickling her pickle-o, huh?

Oh, don't take yourself so seriously, Ray.

You're wearing women's clothes.

- They're dry, they're comfortable.

Are you threatened by this?

- No.

I'm not bloody threatened by it.

Wear what you like.

- I do.

- Good on ya, so do I.

- Really?

- What's that supposed to mean?

- Oh, I just thought they may have been on contra too.

- Well, yeah.

But I like them.

- Okay.

- What, you don't like this?

- Well, it's not something I'd wear.

- No... no, clearly you'd prefer a suit

styled in the previous century.

I mean, which Salvos did you get yours from?

(Don scoffs)

- The one in Abbotsford.

- Fair enough.

Can get some pretty good stuff there.

I should actually slug those bastards

for a quarter page in something.

Cup of tea?

- Yeah, all right.

- My pleasure.

Sam?

Couple cups of tea, please?

So, uh...

What's going on with dirty Janet Wilson?

- Nothing.

- You're not doing a bit of freelancing

on the side, are you?

You're not, uh... shafting me?

- No?

- What, so she's seriously interested then?

- I don't think so.

- Well, come on.

She's calling you every other day, isn't she?

You sure you're not grabbing a handful

of her woodwind and brass, hm?

- No.

No, I think she's a bit loopy.

- And?

Well, that could work out well, couldn't it?

- Why?

Because I am?

- No?

No, but...

Well, this could be the start of a whole new relationship.

This could be great for you.

- Bunnings Warehouse.

- Does he have sugar?

- Give him a few, though.

- There you go.

- Credit, thanks.

- Oh, Wilson's Woodwind and Brass.

Can you just hold the line, please?

- [Ray] No I can't, it's Ray Leonard.

- Oh hi, Ray.

Thanks for calling back.

I wasn't sure if--

- You have to stop ringing me.

- Oh, okay.

- It's an inappropriate level of contact.

(distant brass music)

- Right.

- It's a professional thing.

Conflict of interest.

- Uh-huh?

- So, uh... have a good day.

(distant brass music)

- Yeah.

(distant brass music)

(phone hangs up)

How'd you like to pay for that?

- I said credit?

- Okay?

- Yeah.

(drawer opens)

(draw shuts)

- 50 bucks.

(coins jangling)

So we're square, huh?

- Yep, thanks.

So, what happened with you and Tina?

You both seem fairly... similar.

- Chalk and cheese.

- Which one's she?

- All the cheese.

Good with a cask of wine but not much else.

Bottom line, she just uh...

Wasn't a small business kind of woman.

Hm?

And she didn't understand my creative needs.

Just wanted the dough on the table

at the end of each week, just very narrow focus.

- She said everything you touched turned to shit.

- She said that when she was angry.

I mean sure, you know, I could get on the train everyday

and go in to work with all the other robots.

Pick up a 90k and come home, but...

I'd be like an empty husk.

(drumming on desk)

You know what that is, Ray?

- The train?

- The beat of my own drum.

You have to dance to the beat of your own drum.

That's the secret to happiness.

Why'd you ask about her?

You interested in her?

- God, no.

- Why, is there something wrong with big tits?

- No.

No, I mean, she's nice.

- You're not interested in Janet either.

- Not interested in a relationship.

- Well, who said anything about a relationship?

I'm talking about a bit o' jiggy-jiggy.

- Yeah, but what if I fell in love?

- What?

- It's too dangerous.

- Well--

financially, it is, but...

You know, a small business is dangerous, huh?

Farting's dangerous as you get older.

- But falling in love.

You know, it's like you're a drug smuggler

who's swallowed a condom full of ecstasy tablets,

and the condom bursts?

You have this moment of euphoria

but you know it's going to end horribly.

- Condom full of ecstasy tablets?

What goes on in your brain?

(Don laughs)

You think too much, that's your problem.

Don't think, do.

That's my philosophy.

- Yeah, I've picked that up.

(upbeat music)

- I mean, I know it'll just be shit kicking to start with,

and News Limited isn't exactly

the pinnacle of graphic design,

but I'm thanking Jesus.

- Yeah, that's good.

- And you.

I get that it was hard for you to do.

- Well, after the dog wash thing, you know...

- Are you gonna stay working for that fuckstick?

- Well, I think I'm quite happy here.

Maybe "happy" is too strong a word, but...

The corporate world, the whole jumping on a train

with all the other robots it just isn't me any more.

- You used to work from home.

I miss when you were my dad.

- How are things with you and your--

and... Jerome?

- Fine.

We'd-- I don't know.

Jesus helps.

Lloyd helps.

- I'd prefer it was just Jesus.

- What?

- Well, Lloyd being a church pastor.

- He's an elder.

- Well, he's earned the title.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- I'm just worried that a man in his late 30s

might be taking advantage of you.

- He's 47.

- Well, at least Jesus was only 33.

I could live with that.

(Leslie sighs)

- Yes, mate?

- Don Angel?

- Uh, not in at the minute, can I--

- Who are you?

- Well hang on, you're in my office,

so you know, who are you?

- Tony Orsini, I'm his printer.

- Kerry Akermanis.

What's Dirty Don done this time?

- He owes me 43 grand.

- Does he?

Does he?

Well, I wouldn't worry about it too much. He's pretty reliable, old Donny.

- You his partner?

- Nope, nope.

- Employer?

- No-no, no, we're completely separate identi--

entities, separate companies.

Under the one Worldwide banner.

- When's he due back?

- Oh, with Don, you never know.

You never know when he's gonna be back,

do you, Alex?

- No?

- Uh, Haydn King's the same, he's never around.

Or Pete Mand--

- Yeah all right, let's not bring everyone into it, 'kay?

I'll let Don know you've called, though.

- Thanks.

(thudding footsteps)

- I just-- pull it back a bit Sam, okay?

You're playing with fire there.

(phone rings)

Speak of the devil.

(phone rings)

Don Angel, Worldwide Business Group.

Hello?

- Hello.

- Oh, oh... oh, right.

Oh, you think you're pretty smart, don't you, hey?

What, you--

(scoffs) You think you've trapped me?

Well, look...

All that's happened here mate,

is that I'm answering the phone for Don when he's out of the office,

so yeah, you know, wow.

You've found that out, hm?

- Where's my money?

- I'll get Don onto it.

- You are pathetic.

- (scoffs) I'm pathetic?

I'm not the one who's trying to trick people into things.

(chair rattles)

(Don chokes)

- You've got three days to find my money,

you little wanker or I'll put you in hospital.

- Sam? (coughs)

Could you get Don Angel on the phone right now, please?

- Three days!

- Not my problem, mate.

(coughs)

(upbeat music)

- This is embarrassing, I wanna go home.

- No, it's embarrassing for him, Sam.

Because he's the one who resorted to violence.

- I meant these clothes.

(Don sniffs)

- Can we still have chicken and chips for dinner?

- Yep.

In a minute, all right?

(upbeat music) (train rumbles)

- [Graham] Well, you know I can't promise anything.

Graphics is full of fuck-knuckles.

- Yeah, I'll-- I'm just really grateful Graham,

and so is she.

- No worries, cock!

It's just good to hear you're over all

that strange shit, and getting your life back together again.

And listen, I'm serious.

I can slot you straight back in here, a weekly piece,

75k, if you're comfortable playing with the big boys again.

- Yeah, well I'll get back to you Graham.

Boronia!

(hairdryer blowing)

- How many chickens in a bucket?

- Uh...

Well

Uh, count up your thighs and divide by two.

- That brush stinks of dog hair.

- How's that mashed potato?

♪ Don's Dirty, Don's Dirty, ♪

♪ Don's Dirty Dog Wash ♪

♪ Don's Dirty Dog, ♪

♪ Don's Dirty Dog Dog Wash ♪

♪ Dirty Dog, Dirty Dog, ♪

♪ Dirty Dog, Dog Wash ♪

♪ Don's Dirty, Don's Dirty, ♪

♪ Don's Dirty Dog ♪

♪ Dog Wash, Dog Wash, ♪

♪ Dirty Don Dog Wash ♪

♪ Don's Dirty Dog, Dog, ♪

♪ Dirty Dog, Dog Wash ♪

♪ Don's Dirty, Don's Dirty, ♪

♪ Dirty Dog, Dog Wash ♪

♪ Don's Dirty, Dirty Dog ♪

♪ Dirty Dog Wash ♪

- The Dirty Dog Wash man is a dog's best friend.

- And at these prices, he must be barking mad.

- Competitive franchises are available now.

It's satisfying and loads of fun.

So, get out of the rat race

and make your living doggy-style.

♪ Dog, Dog, Dog, Dog, ♪

♪ Dog, Dog, Dog Wash ♪

♪ Wash, Wash, Wash, Wash ♪

♪ Wash, Wash, Wash ♪

(dog barks)

(upbeat music)

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