Original subtitles

(engaging uptempo music)

(phone rings)

- World Wide Business Group.

Congratulations. You're talking to Don Angel.

- Who's Haydn King?

- That's your father.

- And who's Marcus Goode from Feelin' Great?

- [Ray] Yeah.

- And Pete Mandell from Railway Union Monthly?

- Yes, he is.

- Are you anyone else?

- No, I'm only ever, Ray.

- What causes chronic fatigue?

- Leslie.

- [Don] Leslie, the daughter?

- It's Leslie and the Lord, our savior.

- I'm seriously considering adding a mobile dog-wash

to the World Wide Group of companies.

- I might have found you a job.

- What is it?

- It's doing all the signage for a new dog-wash franchise.

- Good money?

- Artwork, your Leslie,

can we say in-house?

- I'd have to ask.

(bright engaging music)

♪ This country is the best around ♪

♪ You can be what you wanna be ♪

♪ It's got great infrastructure ♪

♪ And a top economy ♪

♪ You can make it as a movie star ♪

♪ A swimmer or a gymnast ♪

♪ It's the land of opportunity ♪

♪ If you want to start a small business ♪

♪ Small business ♪

(traffic hums)

- [Don] Yep.

Yeah, I don't think it's anything serious.

I've had a look on MedicineNet.com

and they referred me onto AcidReflux.com

so, in my opinion,

it's a bit of the old acid reflux.

- [Doctor] I'd like you to take your underpants down for me.

- Yeah, I've been researching this

on the internet for quite a few hours

and I don't really think it's got anything to do with taking my underpants down.

- What symptoms have you had?

- Ah, a bit of gas.

Bit of a pain in the guts.

Haven't had a really good crap

for a couple of weeks. (laughs awkwardly)

- Any cramping?

- Uh, a bit. Yep.

- Was it after eating?

- Yeah, sometimes.

- And how often would you eat take-away food?

- Probably five, six times a week.

But two of those would be gourmet pizzas.

- What about lunch?

- Probably the same. Yep.

- So about a dozen takeaways a week?

- Yep. But I'm getting salads with that.

You know, mashed potato, coleslaw,

bit of everything from the food pyramid is there.

- Hmm.

Without having done a full examination,

I'd say it's very likely

that you have irritable bowel syndrome.

- Didn't come up on the internet.

- I'm writing you a prescription

for clomatil.

Take one tablet a day with your main meal.

No more.

And I'd also like to book you in

for an endoscopy.

- Oh and what's that?

- Simple procedure where we run

a camera up your anus,

into your bowel.

- Bags on not taking the memory stick

out of that camera. (laughs)

(upbeat music)

(Ray singing to himself)

- Hi!

Hello, Les.

- Hi.

Where should I put this?

- Oh.

Good to see you.

- Yeah.

Oh, hello! Yeah, um.

- Thanks for coming.

- And thanks for the opportunity.

You just moved in, then?

- No!

Oh, these are brilliant!

And the detail!

These are far more impressive than I expected.

- From me?

- No! For us.

Terrific, Les.

- Well, I've had a bit of practice

designing for the Lieutenants of God,

and it's been an awesome service to Jesus

but it will be great to have some

paid work.

- Yep.

Coffee?

- Got any real?

- Riva is pretty good.

It's the Rhonda Burchmore one.

- Oh. I like her.

(phone rings)

- Hello?

- It's Liz Jarvis from the National Bank.

Could I speak to Don Angel, please?

- No.

(hangs up and snaps phone shut)

(Ray singing to himself)

- Are you seeing anyone at the moment?

- Yes. He's a cognitive behavioral therapist.

I think it's helping.

- I meant a woman.

- No. No!

How about you?

- Um. His name's Lloyd.

We met through church.

(laughs awkwardly)

It's kinda like our joke.

Who needs RSVP when you've got Jesus?

- Jesus, probably.

He was single.

- Fuck off.

He loves you,

and you're just taking the piss out of him.

- Sorry, Liz.

I thought we were swapping jokes.

- You know you could do a lot worse

than coming to a Lieutenants of God get-together.

There are some seriously single women there.

- I don't think they'd be desperate enough.

- No, they are.

(car blasting music)

- [Voice On Phone] Grace Farms. This is Kevin.

- Morning, Kevin. This is Aidan King here,

from the Lower Croidan News.

Just wondering if I could have

a chat to you about your farm there

please, Kevin.

- Oh yeah, what about it?

- Well, I'm wrestling up a

very special school holiday supplement

for the Lower Croidan News

and I just thought that, uh,

what better way to burn some time

with the kids than tour of a working farm?

- No, we don't do tours here, mate.

- Well, it could be a very tidy

second income stream for you, Kev.

And all it would take is a couple

of decent sized right-hand page ads.

- You want me to start a business so

you can sell me an ad?

- Well, this could be the hen

that lays the golden one for you, Kev.

- Look this is a battery farm, pal.

It gets pretty ugly here, dude.

The kids will be in tears.

- I think it could be educational

for them, Kevin.

- And I'm thinking you could

jam it up your ass.

- Sure. (dial tone)

Have a think about it

and, look, I'll try and snaffle

that right-hand page ad for you.

Okay, my pleasure.

Yes.

Alright, Kevin. Good on you, matey.

Bye bye.

Got a feature for you.

Lower Croidan News.

Guess what it is though, right?

I'll tell you who's on board.

You have to tell me what the feature is.

- Couldn't you just tell me?

This is, uh,...

- No, no. You have to guess. Okay.

So, it's hiking equipment,

a motor mechanic, and a laundromat.

So what's the common thread there, right?

How would you bracken them all together?

- Businesses?

- School holidays.

See?

So.

What I need from you today is a couple of kilos of your finest words

tying them all to school holidays

and to each other.

Okay?

- Yep. Leslie's here by the way.

- Oh great. From...

- From the graphic design. For the dog washing.

- Oh the (licks lips loudly) daughter?

How are you, babe?

- Not bad, thanks.

- Any messages?

- Ah, a couple of calls from

the King of the Juice.

- Yep.

- Not very happy about his ad.

- Yep. Yeah, yeah.

So, Leslie Leonard, eh?

- She uses her mum's name.

- Harrington.

- Jesus, what's all this?

- Sorry, I thought you'd have

a board room table or something.

- Yeah. Well, we only up-sized

a couple of weeks ago.

So, all that stuff is on the way.

- "Creature comforts.

Mobile Dog Washing Service."

Clever, eh?

- Should I start the presentation?

- What's that?

- It's a Spaniel puppy.

A Cavalier King Charles.

- [Don] What's the cloud about?

- [Leslie] Well, it suggests serenity.

Most people associate clouds with comfort.

It implies softness.

Pet owners have a soft spot for animals

and an image like this will reinforce

that they're in the right hands.

- [Ray] Does look soft.

- I've used a PMS 298 as the main colour in the logo,

and then I've reinforced it in the background.

It's a bright sky blue.

Strong enough to stand out,

yet still cool and inviting.

- And the writing is nice and curly.

- It's based on a font called Curlz MT.

I just love the playfulness of it.

It just says "naughty puppy" to me.

- Ha. So it says "lead balloon" to me.

Or "call in the liquidators".

I mean, that's all very nice in theory, love.

But, look, I don't know if

they teach you this at a university

but, um, what's really going to catch the eye

when you're driving past at 80 clicks,

is your starburst. Hm?

So, it's...

With say, uh, a "Don's Dirty Dog Wash".

Eh? (laughs)

Well, there's your name right there.

(phone ringing)

You can't teach that sort of stuff.

- We could keep the curly font.

- World Wide Business Group, this is Don.

- Don, it's Eric Brennan.

- EB!

Tell me you've scared off those tossers at the AFL.

- I need to see you about another matter.

- Oh. Right.

- Are you in this afternoon?

- Uh. Um. I'm fairly full, mate.

- I need drop round some documents

from your wife's solicitor.

It's in regards to a divorce settlement.

A date has been set.

- Has it? (scoffs)

About time.

About bloody time.

- You're not happy about the starburst, are you?

- He's a fuckwit!

- Yep.

- That was utterly humiliating.

Do you have any idea how that felt?

You just stood there.

Why didn't you say anything?

- Well, I said I liked your curly font.

- I don't even know why I'm here.

I don't need you. I have a real father.

And I have Jesus, and I have Lloyd.

- Your own holy trinity.

(muffled talking)

(congregation yelling and speaking in tongues)

(phone ringing)

- Feeling Great.

- Sol Dolman, King of the Juice.

Is Marcus Good available yet

or is that meeting into it's fifth hour now?

(farting sounds)

(phone ringing)

- Which prick's this?

World Wide Business Group.

- Is that you, Pete?

- Who's this?

- It's Janet Wilson

from Wilson Woodwind and Brass.

- Yes, Janet. It's Pete.

- Oh. I'd just like to speak

to Ray Leonard, please.

- In regards to?

- Railway Union Monthly.

- Well, I'm your man on R.U.M.

- No, I'd like to speak to Ray, please.

- Oh yeah, why's that?

- [Janet] Can I speak to him please?

- Sol Dolmon about Feeling Great.

- Yeah, just hang on a sec

will you, Janet.

Marcus Good here, Sol.

Uh, sorry about this phone tag.

How can I help grow your business this morning?

- Well you can actually distribute the magazine

I advertised in for a start.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- [Janet] Can I speak to Ray Leonard, please?

- Yeah, just hang on bloody minute will ya, Janet.

- [Sol] I want a list of every place

you claim stocks this magazine

cause I'm buggered if I can find it anywhere.

- Oh sorry, mate, you're breaking up

a little bit there, right?

Ray! (whistles)

- [Janet] Who am I speaking to?

- I said just bloody hang on a sec

will you, Janet?

- [Sol] Not one health food shop in my suburb

has ever seen or heard of Feeling Great.

- 'Dirty' Janet Wilson for you.

- [Don] Hello, Sol!

- [Ray] Hello?

- Oi!

- [Sol] Yeah, I'm here. I've gotcha.

I can hear you loud and clear.

- No. No, you're dropping out there, Sol.

I'm sorry, mate.

Look, I'll tell you what, if you can hear me,

I'll call you back when I get a chance.

- [Sol] No, don't hang up this phone.

- The sooner they sell this Telstra dinosaur off,

the better, eh?

- [Sol] No, don't, no...

- Alright then, Sol. Cheers, mate. Talk soon. Bye bye.

Bye.

(farting noises)

- Ray Leonard.

- Oh, hi Ray!

It's Janet Wilson. How ya going?

- Fine. Why?

- Oh, you know.

Just wondering if you're (trumpet playing in background)

busy in there with your writing.

- Yep, I am.

- Yep, me too. Flat out.

Thanks to you and your wonderful editorial,

the autumn sale's been just huge, Ray.

I especially loved the comparison you made

between trumpets blowing and

the autumn leaves blowing around.

So clever.

- Uh huh.

- Mhmm!

So... What are you doing now?

- Well, I'm developing a school holidays feature.

How to keep your kids happy, basically.

Don't feel particularly well-qualified

for it though.

- (laughs) Why's that?

Because you don't keep them happy or

because you don't have any?

- Both. (phone rings)

The other phone's ringing now.

- Oh. Okay.

- Yeah. So. Uh.

- Maybe I could call you back?

- Yep!

- Okay.

- Yep!

Music, music, music, music.

- Could I speak to James White

or Don Angel, please?

- He's not at his desk at the moment.

- Neither of them?

- No.

- To whom am I speaking?

- Ray. The senior journalist.

- Can you inform James or Don that

World Wide Business has exceeded

it's overdraft limit.

And, until I can clear it up with one of them,

I'll have to suspend all the accounts.

- Right. I'll pass that on.

- Tell him he'll need to speak to Liz Jarvis

at the National Bank urgently,

if he wants to continue trading.

- Okay. Yep.

(background music playing)

- That looks like a PMS 693 colour

wouldn't you say, Ray?

Make you feel melancholy yet playful?

(laughs) Lovely girl, your Leslie, but

does she talk some frog shit.

- She thinks you're a fuckwit.

- Whoa, whoah. Eh!

She needs to toughen up if she wants

to make it out there.

She needs to take a postgraduate degree in

'Welcome to the Real Bloody World'.

- I think she's pretty talented.

- Yeah, well, we all think our kids

are talented, right,

but it's healthy not to encourage them.

- She's not my kid.

- Beg yours?

- I only found out six years ago.

My cousin, Adler, came here.

We were looking for a bone marrow donor.

We all had tests.

Leslie's DNA was different to mine.

- Was this around the same time

as the chronic fatigue or?

- Just before it. Yeah.

- So who's the father?

- Jerome.

Some guy Yvonne was seeing before me.

Only a couple of times at the same time as me.

She got pregnant. Wasn't sure who the father was.

And since she'd already broken up with Jerome,

and she just wanted it to be mine.

- The lying, stinking whore.

- I think that's probably a bit strong.

- So when you found out...

- I wrote an article in the Australian

exposing the whole thing,

but we hadn't told Leslie yet.

- But nobody reads the Australian.

Different if you did it in the Herald Sun.

- She couldn't believe I would

hurt her like that.

It made sense to her that I wasn't

really her father.

She stopped speaking to me.

- Oh, so your wife roots around

and you cop the blame?

- They moved out.

I stayed in bed for seven weeks.

- And never went back to work?

(scoffs) They are like pigeons, I reckon, women,

you feed them, look after them,

but they can't help but shitting all over you.

All those years of changing nappies,

cleaning up vomit, and sleepless nights,

paying for the school fees, braces,

bikes, food,

and she's not even yours.

How demeaning!

She has made you look like an utter tool.

(upbeat music)

- EB! What's up?

Yeah, I'm on my way.

Just grab yourself a nougat log and sit tight.

(phone ringing)

- Leslie?

I just wanted to say sorry

about this morning.

Sorry you were humiliated like that.

I don't mean to keep doing this to you.

I was trying to make up for,

you know, everything.

I told Don he was a fuckwit, if that helps.

Well, that you think he's a fuckwit.

Lloyd seems nice.

How old would he be...

- What are you working on?

- Nothing!

- Alright.

- [Don] This is bullshit, Eric.

Fifty percent of my assets.

Can she really claim that?

- I have no idea.

- Equal custody of the kids,

well that's not gonna happen.

That mole is never satisfied.

Have a look at this.

- Don.

- Just bear with me.

See that?

Full page, colour ad,

in one of our premier publications.

Twelve hundred and fifty bucks worth of free

for a stack of new clothes

on contra for her.

Is it any wonder things are a bit tight

at the moment?

I mean, they're fine.

Yeah, we are growing the business

and we're, you know, trending upwards,

but it's no thanks to her.

She seeing anyone at the moment?

- She's seeing a solicitor.

- Marcus!

- Uh, yeah.

- Can you hear me alright?

- Yeah.

- What about if I move over here?

Is that better?

I'm not breaking up, am I?

Cause I can come a lot bloody closer

if you want.

Sol Dolman, King of the Juice.

- Yeah, I know.

You've got to try this guy's juice.

It is sensational.

- How big a dickhead do you think I am?

I know what you're up to.

- In regards to?

- The only copy of this magazine

I've ever seen is the one you sent

to me with your invoice.

- And how many were you after, Sol?

- Thirty-five thousand, distributed across

the state, as promised.

- Oh, come on mate.

I can't go anywhere without

finding the bloody things.

They're in tanning salons, sports shops.

They're in gymnasiums. Aren't they, Ray?

- They're supposed to be.

- [Sol] Tell you where I found a box though.

In a dumpster at the back of this building.

- Oh, you have got to be joking me.

That... Eric. Eric Brennan, by the way.

He's my solicitor.

Could you get straight on to

McNollinson's Distribution, please?

And give them both bloody barrels

across the bow.

I want our contract annulled

because that is a disgrace

and it's certainly not the way we treat

our valued customers here at World Wide.

- I can't do this.

- What?

- You need a solicitor.

- Yeah, you're my solicitor.

- No, I'm not.

- Well, you did my property transfer.

- I'm a conveyancer. That's why I was cheap.

I can't do divorce settlements and contracts.

I'm just not qualified.

And the AFL. Jesus!

Anything to do with the

title of your chicken shop, sure.

But, that's it.

- [Don] (scoffs) Look.

We'll talk about it tomorrow

after you've calmed down a bit, alright?

Can you believe that fat prick? (laughs)

- Very impressive setup you've got here.

- Oh, he's just having a bad day.

You know, he's under the pump a bit

at the moment.

Some people don't cope well with that sort of stuff.

So, I'll tell you what, Sol Dolman.

Why don't we give you free, gratis,

on the house, a full page, colour ad,

in the next issue of Feeling Great.

- And what's the point?

No one sees the poxy thing anyway.

- I'd just be a little bit careful about

making defamatory remarks

about my publishing house, my friend.

- Or what?

You're gonna sic your conveyancer on to me?

You need to get your shit together, pal.

- No one's shit is more together than mine,

I can assure you of that.

- I'm very pleased to hear that.

Because I want my money back,

and I'm not leaving here until I get it.

- Well, that's just, uh,...

Fine.

Fine.

What's two hundred and fifty bucks to me?

- Four hundred and fifty.

- Four hundred and fifty.

Typical of you lot, isn't it.

- Typical of my lot?

Who exactly are my lot?

- Uh, small minded operators.

(phone ringing)

- Sol Dolman King of the Juice!

- Absolute charlatan, that prick.

You know he's just ripping off Boost Juice?

He's a Boost wannabe.

Mutton dressed up as boost.

(scoffs)

Who's Dirty Liz Jarvis?

(funky music)

- [Don] I'm right for paper, thanks.

- It's the school holidays feature.

I need you to approve it.

- It's approved.

- I think you should read it.

- Ugh. Read it out to me.

Trying to concentrate in here.

- "School holidays. Two words to gladden

the hearts of children like no others.

Whether it's camping in the mountains,

lazing at the beach house, or

taking your kids into your office,

school holidays offer parents the opportunity

to spend some quality and quantity time

with their DNA certified, biological children.

And don't High-Country Hiking and Camping Gear

know all about quality.

Without the appropriate all-weather gear,

a hiking expedition can be

a damp, depressing experience.

But with expertly-fitted boots,

thermal underwear, and emergency flares

from High Country,

it can be considerably more enjoyable.

Of course, school holidays means

kids' washing can really pile up.

So, if you're not heading off to climb mountains,

the One Turner South laundromat can help

get those extra loads washed and dried.

With six fully-automatic washers,

two currently operational dryers, and

a change machine,

the One Turner South laundromat is your one stop

school holiday laundry Mecca.

But if soiled clothing isn't an issue

and you are heading off on a hiking adventure,

make sure your car is safe and well tuned

with an expert service from Jeff and Liam

at J and B Car Repairs.

Liam replaces Barry,

who has left suddenly to pursue other interests.

Nothing spoils the excitement of holiday away

like being involved

in a serious motor vehicle accident.

So, put your car in the safe hands

of Jeff and Liam.

And drive away with a sense of confidence

bordering on arrogance.

Enjoy your holidays."

- [Don] (loud sigh)

Wish I could pump out crap like you do.

(upbeat music)

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