Original subtitles

(upbeat funky music) (telephone ringing)

- Don Angel, Worldwide Business Group.

(telephone ringing) Railway Union Monthly,

Pete Mandela.

- I'm just dropping off my curriculum vitae

in relation to the position of journalist.

- Nice to meet you, Ray.

- Nice to meet you.

What have you been doing since, uh, since "The Australian"?

- I've been ill.

- What causes chronic fatigue?

- Leslie.

- It's Leslie,

and the Lord, our savior.

(group chanting)

- Need you to pay this off.

- If I had a dollar for every time you'd said that.

It would not help in the slightest.

(static buzzing)

(upbeat electro music)

♪ This country is the best around ♪

♪ You can be what you wanna be ♪

♪ It's got great infrastructure ♪

♪ And a top economy ♪

♪ You can make it as a movie star ♪

♪ A swimmer or a gymnast ♪

♪ It's the land of opportunity ♪

♪ If you want to start a small business ♪

- [Man] This yours?

- No, it's part of the Worldwide Group of companies.

- Well, do you work for them?

- Yes, I'm their senior journalist.

- I put money in before for a choc waffle

and got nothing.

- Yeah.

Sorry.

- [Tina] Alex.

Get out of that, please. - Get out of the way.

Get off! - Just get out

and get your bag. - What, that hurt!

- Your own kids are great

but everyone else's are little shits, aren't they?

- Ow. - Alex, just stop it, please.

If I have to get out. (man sputters)

- What?

- This is best before March '04.

- These are good for another couple of weeks.

- So our circulation is 30,000, Colin,

which, um, actually translates into a readership

of almost 100,000, which really is outstanding value

because I'm looking at your local leader ad, and, um,

mate, you are being swamped.

I mean, um, you're like Switzerland

in the middle of bloody Europe, you know.

Sure it's all very noble, but, uh,

when you're in a war, which business is,

uh, you need a much bigger ad.

- [Colin] Yeah, sorry, I'm still not seeing the crossover

in demographics. - Yeah, just, uh,

sorry, hang on a tick, Col.

(stutters)

What are you doing here?

- Mum said you have to have us today.

- Shit.

Did she?

Yeah, sorry, Col, you were saying?

- I'm still not seeing the crossover in demographics

between Hammond Funerals and "Footy Inquest."

- The crossover would be the, uh,

deceased footy fan.

So, off the top of my head,

you, you lay the body out in the club jumper,

um, the trainer brings him into the chapel,

um, the club song is playing and you burst through

the big banners, and the pom-pom girls, they go off.

I mean, that might be too much, I don't know.

Taste is your department, obviously.

Uh, then a player could read out psalm, or something.

And, uh, towards the end the siren goes off

and, and everyone rushes up to the coffin.

It's, uh, footy fan funerals, there you go.

- Yeah, I don't think it would be appropriate, okay?

- Oh, no, no, come on, Colin.

You got people dropping like flies with obesity

and record AFL attendances.

Now this could kick some serious arse, mate.

- Look, I've got two grief-stricken boys

coming in this morning whose dad died suddenly over night.

Do you wanna come down

and talk them into a footy fan funeral?

- What time are they coming in?

- Goodbye!

(disconnected tone) - Okay, let's lock in

11 o'clock then.

I'll talk to you soon, Colin.

All right, bye, mate, yeah.

What's this about?

- Mum said she had us every day of the holiday

and she said it's not fair that you miss out.

- Did she?

Well that's, that's good of her to think of me, isn't it?

Hmm?

In you come.

- Don, did you want me to write a piece on diarrhea

for the bathroom feature? - Give me that.

I'm still actually just working on that.

- I'll (clears throat)

make a cup of tea.

- Yeah, uh, coffee, thanks.

Strong, black.

I'm bang right up to the freeway exit.

It's, uh, it's bumper to bumper down there.

So, uh, what's she got on today?

- Nothing, she wants you to spend more time with us.

- So do I.

So do I, but, I mean,

I, I took you guys through this, didn't I?

Eh?

I mean, you, you guys know that I'm,

I'm trying to grow the business at the moment, don't you?

Eh?

And that I'm trying to develop,

uh, I'm developing different arms and income streams,

and I'm, I'm diversifying capital.

Eh?

I mean I think that one, one Sunday a fortnight is, uh,

with you guys, that's a pretty good mix

of business and pleasure.

Hmm?

- Yes.

(telephone ringing)

- Which prick's this?

(ruler boings)

Worldwide Business Group, good morning,

you're talking with Don Angel.

- Tony Orsini.

- Tony, just the man.

Yep, sorry, can you just hang on a tick?

Alex, don't be a dickhead, huh?

Have a go on Ray's computer for a while.

Ray, just hop up for a minute, will you?

Sorry, Tony.

Uh, listen, uh, very happy with the last

couple of "Footy Inquests", mate.

Really, really top-notch

stuff there. - Oh, that is a load

off my mind.

Look, I've got the next one here

and I just wanted to check a couple of things.

- Too easy?

- Is it still just the 1,200 copies we're doing?

Because it says on the cover the circulation is 30,000.

- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's, it's just the 1,200.

- So you want me to change 30,000 to 1,200?

- No, no, no, the, the 30,000 is more,

uh, readership, really.

- So you want me to change that

from circulation to readership?

- No, no, no, just, uh, just leave it, please.

Um, it's just a,

it's an industry standard. (kids laughing)

- [Alex] He's talking out of his bum.

- [Bum] She said you remind me of someone, you.

(slurps)

Oh, I know the one. - Yeah, so, look,

just, uh, keep up the good--

- And the other thing is

I was just wondering if there's any danger of being paid?

- Tony, I think you'll find that most businesses

of any substance operate on a 120 day term

for settlement of accounts there, mate.

- Most small businesses don't last 120 days.

- Well, well mine has.

But, uh, look, I'm sorry to hear you're struggling

over there, Tony,

and, uh, of course I'm gonna help you out.

Um, I will get something to you in the next couple of--

- Not one misspelled word of yours

is going to print until you hand over my 43 grand.

- [Don] Well hang about.

- Aw, fuck me!

Who's Nanna Mouskouri, you idiot?

Nana's grandma?

Shut it down!

Jesus Christ.

43 grand, all right?

- Look forward to it, Tony.

(disconnected tone) Yep, all right, cheers.

Cheerio, thank you, mate.

Buh-bye.

(ruler boings)

Are you guys going away?

- Nah.

- Mum says we're staying with you till Saturday.

(sighs)

- Uncle Simon been, um, popping over lately, or?

- Nah.

- At all?

- No.

- Alex.

Are you gonna do that until Saturday?

So she, what, she definitely said Saturday?

Hmm? (pen clicking)

Good.

Good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'll be back in a minute.

- Have you seen "Harry Potter"?

- Which one?

- What do you expect me to do with them?

- Be their father.

- I'm running a business, Tina,

I can't be their father as well.

- (sighs) Well, get someone to look after them.

- Well what do I pay you for?

- Charming.

That's all I am, a glorified babysitter.

- Glorified?

Look, I've got stuff on.

And I've got plans for tonight.

- Oh yeah, what have you got on tonight?

- I've got a corporate function.

- Are you serving the hors d'oeuvres?

- I'm growing my business, Tina.

- Oh, please.

- [Machine] Change stations now.

- Where are you?

- None of your small business.

- Why can't you have them tonight?

- Because I've got something on.

- What have you got on?

- Something.

- [Machine] Change stations now.

- Well why can't your mother have them?

- Why can't yours?

- I'm not leaving my children with my mother,

you know she's shithouse with kids.

- Oh, work it out.

- 'Scuse me Mrs. Angel,

we've got a problem with your monthly

direct debit on your Visa.

- [Machine] Change stations now.

(upbeat music) (leaf blower blowing)

- Good blow job.

- What?

- You do a good blow job.

- It's the only sort you'll get from me, mate.

- Yeah.

Or me.

- What are you doing?

- I'm working on some editorial copy

for a company that manufactures vanity units.

- Read it out.

- It's called "Bonfire Sale of the Vanity Units."

Vanity is defined as the act of taking excessive pride

in one's appearance.

Quite how a laminated cupboard with a mirror

and two taps contributes to an excess

in this regard is unclear.

Furthermore, no other room in the house

adopts this style of appliance nomenclature.

A bed, for example, is not referred to as a lust unit.

The vanity unit is unique among household furniture items

in conferring a sense of guilt about its use.

However, from my conversations with Ted Adcock

of Adstyle Bathrooms in Rowville,

he paid little heed to these matters when building

his quality range of bathroom furniture

at reasonable prices.

There's an Adstyle vanity unit to suit your budget,

your bathroom, and your lifestyle.

Quite an achievement, considering he's never met you.

That's it.

- How much you taking home,

if it's, uh, not a personal question?

- 1,300 bucks a week.

Cash in hand.

- Oh, yeah?

You could live off that I suppose.

Bloody good for the work you do, isn't it, eh?

No overheads either,

just a shitty old trailer and away you go.

- Well, the franchise costs 125 grand.

(Don laughs)

- What do you get for that?

- Well, the trailer.

- And the ute?

- Nah, that's mine.

But, you know, you're buying the goodwill of the name.

And the customer database too.

- Right.

So, a trailer and a list for 125K.

(upbeat music) (leaf blower blowing)

Hey, you should get the contract for next door.

Blow 'em back over.

- Yeah, I have.

- Who's Haydn King?

- That's your father.

- Well, who's Kerry Akermanis?

- That's your father.

- And he's Marcus Goode from Feeling Great?

- Uh, yep.

- And James White from Music Music Music?

- Music, yep.

- And Pete Mandela from Railway Union Monthly.

- Yes, he is.

- Are you anyone else?

(mobile ringing) - No, I'm only ever Ray.

That's enough.

Hi.

- Hi.

Everything okay?

- Yeah, yeah, no, I just, you know,

wanted to catch up.

- Did you go to my webpage?

- Ah, yeah, it's, it's amazing.

- Did you see us talking in tongues?

- Yep.

- And?

- It sounded great.

- Well, it is.

Jesus keeps me calm and centered.

- Good on him.

So, what are you doing now?

- I'm working on a logo for the church.

- What, they don't think the cross is a strong enough brand?

- Well I'm hoping it's good enough

to go completely viral for Jesus.

- Ah, hepatitis JC. (laughs)

- That's fucked.

Don't say that.

- Yep, sorry, Les, I didn't mean to--

- Raymondo,

I've had a bloody brainwave. - Can you hold on a minute?

- What are you like with dogs?

While you've been faffing around in here,

I've been out redesigning the future of this company,

and it's dirty dogs, Ray.

Dirty, filthy, stinking dogs.

That's the future.

- Can you meet me at Hunger Solutions?

- What's that?

- It's a cafe a few doors up

that sells all your lunch and dining problems.

1:00 p.m.?

- Okay.

- Thanks, see you then.

- Okay, you two, I need to have a,

a small business brainstorm.

So why don't you, um, go and have

a run around the business park, hmm?

- I'm starving.

- Did she give you any money?

- No.

- (laughs) She is good, isn't she, eh?

Guess it's up to, uh,

to good old dad to cough up again, is it?

Ray, give me the keys to the vending machine.

- Oh, yes.

The choc waffles weren't coming out properly.

- Yeah, I know how it feels.

- And they're a bit old.

- I haven't had time to blur the dates.

Here.

The pink one opens it.

Grab yourselves some, uh,

some Twisties or something, all right?

And don't nick any money, Alex, okay?

And grab me a nougat log.

See if it'll push one out the other end.

Well, off you pop, come on.

Hey!

Okay.

I am seriously considering adding a mobile dog wash

to the Worldwide Group of companies.

Huh?

It's an absolute monty, don't you reckon?

Well how much, how much would you pay for a trailer?

- No idea.

- Have a guess.

- No, I don't know, I've got no experience of trailers.

- Yeah, but have a guess.

- I wouldn't know.

- Well have a stab, for Christ sake.

- Um.

100,000?

- 100,000?

Don't be an idiot!

It's 15,000 tops, I reckon.

Where are you buying your trailers from?

Here.

Find me a sign writer.

But steer clear of those big ads, they rip you off.

Go tiny with lots of As at the front of the name.

- Okay. - They're always going

belly-up so we might get it for nothing.

- You know, Leslie could help us here.

- The God Botherer?

- Well she's graduating in graphic design.

I mean a job like this in the real world

could be good for her.

- Oh, yeah.

Be needing a shitload of signage for the trailers.

In English though, not in that (incoherently mumbles)

she goes on with, huh?

Yeah, she could come in very bloody handy.

Although, you know what they say?

Don't get your meat where you get your bread and butter.

Haven't you heard of that one?

It means don't mix family and business.

- No, it means don't root your workmates.

- Does it?

Oh. (laughs)

Well, don't worry, Ray, I wasn't gonna jump your daughter.

I mean, never say never.

And who knows what can happen in the future.

But, first things first,

let's ring dirty John Botsis

from Advanced Trailers and Caravans

and see what he has to say, hmm?

(phone ringing)

- [John] John Botsis.

- Don Angel, John.

Worldwide Business Group.

Question, do you have a trailer

that can accommodate a man and an Alsatian?

(upbeat country music)

- Get off. - Alex.

Stop! - No!

- Okay, so we've got, uh, trailer,

canopy, plumbing, marketing, artwork,

your Leslie, can we say in-house?

No strings attached.

- Well, I, I, I'd have to ask.

- Okay.

So we got an outlay of, um,

uh, 11.5K.

We charge 100K for the franchise.

So let's soften to blow with a grand opening discount

of say, uh, 8.5K.

That gives us, uh, 91.5K,

minus your 11.5 is

80K,

blue sky.

80 grand profit, Raymondo.

That's an eight with four duck eggs coming out its arse.

Quack, quack, quack, quack, Ray.

Impressive, innit?

- Yep.

- [Don] Innit, eh?

- Yep.

- (laughs) What was that, uh,

what was that duck that laid the golden egg?

- It was a goose.

- Was it?

Do they quack?

- Apparently.

- Good.

So, Mr. Literature, couple of jobs for you.

I need you to ring dirty Leslie about the artwork,

and we need a name for this little baby, 'kay?

Oi.

What are you guys doing back here?

- It's boring.

- Boring?

Just, nah, come on, come on, go out there and, and,

and do a lap.

And, and count how many businesses there are.

You can tell me what categories they come under.

Primary, secondary, or, you know, one of the other ones.

And grab yourself a chocolate bar from the machine.

- Alex! - Bloody hell.

This is bullshit.

(telephone ringing)

- Hello, 123 Childcare Centre, Eve speaking.

- Eve, Don Angel here, CEO Worldwide Business Group.

Just inquiring about getting a couple of my kiddies

into your center there, please, Eve.

- Ah, yes, certainly.

What days were you looking at, Don?

- Just this afternoon, please, Eve.

- Well, yes we could give you a casual rate

but what you might find more cost effective

is to enroll your children for 12 months

at one of our-- - Eve, let's not

try and do a snow job on an Eskimo.

Eve, I'm just looking at this afternoon at the moment.

- What age are the children?

- Uh, well, (lip popping)

Sam is 12 and Alex is 10.

- 12 and 10?

- Yeah.

- (laughs) Uh, no, we're only for preschool children,

no one over the age of five.

- Well, uh, mentally I reckon

they'd both come in under that.

- [Eve] I'm sorry, I can't help you today, all right?

- Oh, right, so just, just handball it back to me then, huh?

- Why don't you try spending some time with them, you dick.

- [Ray] How's your mother?

- Good.

Jerome's really into exercise.

She's lost stacks of weight.

- Jesus really can move mountains.

- I don't want you to mock Jesus

or the lieutenants of God, okay?

- Understood.

On a brighter note though, I think I might--

- Hang on.

Brighter than Jesus?

- On a different note though,

I might've found you a job.

- What is it?

- I'm bored.

- Hey, who's forcing you to stay here Terry Tag-Along?

- [Ray] Here.

- What is it?

- Play some games on that if you like.

It's doing all the signage for a new dog wash franchise.

- Easy.

Love to.

Good money?

- [Sam] I'm bored too.

- Well haven't you got a book to read?

I'll bring you in some from home next time.

- You could tell us another story.

- Well I don't have one off the top of my head.

- You could tell them the one about the self-pitying

journalist who abandoned their teenage girl.

- That's not how the story goes.

- Forgive me, Jesus, my human frailty

and grant me the strength to become a better lieutenant.

Join with me now in prayer.

(chants)

(Alex chats)

- Is the food too hot?

- No, no, everything's fine, thank you, Denise.

- Thank you, Jesus.

(shutter rattling)

- Alex, stop it.

- Excuse me, do you mind?

- No.

- What's your name?

- Terry Tag-Along.

(mobile ringing)

- Worldwide Business Group,

congratulations, you're talking to Don Angel.

Yep, sorry, could you just hold the line, please?

- Kerry Akermanis?

- Yes?

- Astrid Quest is my name.

I'm in charge of legal and business affairs for the AFL.

- G'day, Astrid.

- I wanted to chat to you in person

because you haven't replied to any of my correspondence.

- Bloody broadband in this country.

I tell you, it's crippling small business.

Do you know what speeds the, the Danish are getting?

- I sent it registered post.

- I don't bloody blame you, Astrid.

- Hello.

- Hello.

- Because you haven't responded at all,

we have no option but to institute legal proceedings

against you for the unauthorized use

of the official AFL logo on your "Footy Inquest" magazine.

- I am so furious about that.

- I just want to confirm the circulation figures

of the magazine.

Are they audited?

- Yes, I use MYOB

for most of it.

- Well, it says on the cover

30,000.

- And the rest. (laughs)

I mean the number of people who were getting

ahold of this thing each week, Astrid, it's, uh, it's about 100,000.

So, you know, I mean we're promoting the AFL big time here.

- 100,000, okay. - Yeah.

- Because the way the penalty is worked out

is a dollar per offense.

- Yep, that's readership.

The 100,000?

That's just the number of knobs who are reading the thing.

(mobile ringing) It's not, um,

just, beg yours.

Uh, yep, sorry, what were you after?

- Tina Angel has given me your name.

- Dirty Tina?

Yes?

- It's in relation to sorting out some outstanding

Visa card direct debits?

- From where? - Curves.

- (laughs) Well she doesn't need anymore of those.

Have you seen her in her underpants?

- Yes, I have.

- Well I'm not forking out to keep that arse up in the air.

Just cancel it.

If she gets anymore curves I'll get dizzy looking at her.

- So the circulation.

- Ah.

- The actual number of copies published

is as stipulated on the cover, 30,000?

- Uh, well it's actually,

yep, okay,

but, look, Astrid.

It's, it's not actually my problem

because I can't tell you the number of times

I've told that bloody useless printer to take the logo off

and, well, look, I,

I tell you what, I'll give you

the bloody dickhead's number and you can sue his arse off

because I'm, I'm sick of covering for him.

It's 22345622.

- Mr. Akermanis, we will be taking action

against you directly.

- This is just like the castle, isn't it?

Hmm?

Well from here on in, Astrid,

you will be dealing with my solicitor.

Eric Brennan is his name.

- And his number?

- Is 0402336335.

- And office number?

- That's it.

- We'll be in touch.

- As will Eric.

This, this is political correctness gone mad.

Can you believe the arrogance of this mob, huh?

I mean they've got the hot breath of bloody soccer

on the back of their neck and they're, they're worried about a frigging logo.

- Well, they're all very big

on protecting their brand these days.

- Yeah?

Well tell that to the Fitzroy Football Club.

The AFL didn't give too much of a fuck

about their hundred year old brand.

Ah, here we go.

Burke and Wills are back.

- Dad, look what Alex just did.

- [Ray] Like father, like son.

(ruler boings)

(upbeat drumming music)

- Ray?

(sniffs)

Come over for, uh, ribs on the run tonight.

- Yeah, go on! - Go on!

- Aw, okay.

- And bring a couple bottles of red.

(upbeat country music)

- Three fives.

- Six sixes.

- Three sevens.

- One eight.

- Cheat.

- Bumhole!

(Sam laughs) (Alex laughs)

(Don laughs)

- Very nice.

(laughs)

More wine, Ray?

- Mmm, thank you.

- Could I have some please?

- Oh.

- Come here, you two.

So how's your day been, eh?

Eh?

Did you find any, uh, any worms or?

- No.

- No?

Ah.

You know that you guys mean

(Alex sighs)

stacks to me, don't you?

Hmm?

You know this whole Worldwide Group of companies

is something I wanna pass on to you two.

The publishing firm, the vending machines,

the chicken shop we don't mention to Mum,

the dog wash franchise.

That's how much I dig you, hmm?

And you know that you can talk to me

about absolutely anything.

Hmm?

- Why do you have all those different names?

- Just hop up, that's hurting.

Yay.

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