Original subtitles

(upbeat techno music)

♪ This country is the best around ♪

♪ You can be what you want to be ♪

♪ It's got great infrastructure ♪

♪ And a top economy ♪

♪ You can make it as a movie star ♪

♪ A swimmer or a gymnast ♪

♪ It's a land of opportunity ♪

♪ If you want to start a small business, small business ♪

(train rumbling)

(train whooshing)

- Mitcham!

(train whirring)

Nunawading!

- Blackburn

- Blackburn.

Thanks.

(train whirring)

(relaxing smooth music)

- Uh-huh, uh-huh.

No, no, no, no I'm in the kitchen, Kate.

Well its a galley kitchen, that's why its a bit echoey.

Well I'm cooking corn

and I've just dropped a big ear in the pan

so that's what that was.

So yeah, you'd be the senior journalist,

which would look pretty good wouldn't it.

Kate Gluscam, senior journalist because.

- Sorry what did you say the name

of the paper was again Don?

- Ah, its the Lower Croydon News.

The news of the city of Lower Croydon.

- Oh okay.

- It's a monthly, high quality publication Kate.

We've got a circulation of about 20,000

which means I've got a readership of almost 60,000

according to our market research, so yeah,

we're actually not that far behind The Age,

in terms of reach.

Kate, we really, really aren't.

Plus we've got a host of other, boutique publications

so its pretty exciting times in here

and a great place for a young woman.

- I do have some questions, Don.

- I don't know how you placed reference commitments Kate,

but I've got a couple of windows this afternoon

that you could possibly climb through for an interview

because play your cards right and by this evening

you could be senior journalist at World Wide Business group.

- What sort of salary were you offering, Don?

- Well, initially the company is offering $15 per hour.

(Kate scoffs)

But down the track we're.

(dial tone buzzes)

Well, stay at bloody Marie Claire then.

Shit.

(phone ringing)

Don Angel, World Wide Business Group.

Railway Union Monthly, Pete Mandela

- [Janet] It's Janet Wilson from Wilson Woodwind & Brass.

- Oh how are you Janet, how's business?

- Oh, we've had better months.

- Glad to hear it.

- Look this article

that's been written with my advertisement.

- Yup.

- Where is it?

- Oh Janet, you've got to be joking me,

I, in fact sent that off in an email to you couple days ago.

- Pete, I think I'm just not gonna worry about it.

- [Don] Oh come on Janet,

you've gotta spend money to make money.

- In Railway Union Monthly?

- Well I'm trying to grow your business there darling

I mean, how much is a new flute?

- About two and a half thousand

- And the ad's 500,

I mean you only need one railway worker

to buy himself a new flute and you're a couple grand up

and actually look there it is in my outbox Janet,

sent Tuesday, 3:43pm.

- How 'bout a major scale?

Well you may have sent it but it's not here.

- May have?

Sorry Janet what are you saying?

- No, I just meant that its not here, that's all.

- Well look I don't know which bozo ISP you're with but,

look, I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll send it again now okay.

Jesus Christ, look Janet

I think you're gonna be pretty happy with it, okay?

- No I haven't got anything.

- Yup I don't think they're instantaneous Janet,

it'll be there in a minute or two.

All right then Janet?

- [Janet] It's not here?

- It will be, too easy, bye now Janet, bye bye.

Yes mate?

- Are you World Wide Business Group?

- This is World Wide Business Group, yup.

- I'm just dropping off my curriculum vitae in relation

to the position of journalist.

- By all means.

I need to take a day off to read them all but.

- What?

- Come in.

Don Angel.

- Ray.

- Nice to meet you Ray.

- Nice to meet you.

This is the document in question.

- Okay, Ray Leonard Leonard.

Born 17, five, '57, yes, right so, happy birthday.

- Yes.

- Right, so happy birthday.

- Yes. - Okay.

Big one tonight then?

- Usual size.

- All right, tell me a bit about yourself, please Ray?

- Well its all in there.

- Yup, just, can you put it into words there, please.

- Well I worked for two years at the Daily Telegraph.

Then two years at The Bulletin.

I took a year off to write a book and then

the following 12 years

I was feature writer at The Australian.

- No worries, but we do Footy Inquest, The Railway Union Monthly

Feelin' Great Magazine, The Lower Croydon News

and Music, Music, Music, Music.

- Should that not just be Music, Music, Music?

- Its a printers error, first issue.

So, I stuck with it.

- Which one of those would I be writing for?

- Well the successful applicant would oversee

all publications within the World Wide Group

- Because, I just. (phone rings)

- Congratulations on choosing World Wide Business group,

you're talking with Don Angel.

- It's Tony from Tony's Print Solutions.

- Tony, how are you?

How's the family?

- I haven't got time for that shit.

- Glad to hear it.

- Two things, number one,

what's happening with this copy

for Wilson's Woodwind & Brass?

I'm assuming you don't want a huge hole on page 12,

well I've got other jobs backing up now

so, you know, I've told you this last time

I'm losing money if the pressers aren't rolling.

- Don't soil yourself there mate, it's all under control.

I will fill your hole this afternoon.

- A word, knobhead.

- If it's not sorted by four o'clock,

I'm pulling the whole thing off.

And the way things are looking,

you're not getting back on for six days.

Oh, and second, pay me you bastard.

- Okay Tony, yes, oh it's gotta be the dogs, isn't it?

Okay mate, catch ya, bye.

- 13th of the fourth, 1100 dollars cash advance

to World Wide Business.

25th of the fourth, 750 dollars cash advance

to World Wide Business.

Oh 13th of the fourth, sorry madam,

your card's been rejected.

- You're the primary cardholder.

- Need you to pay this off.

- If I had a dollar for every time, you'd said that.

It would not help in the slightest.

- Come on you know this is the card

that I use to feed the kids.

- Oh feed the kids, please,

at least these are legit business expenses.

(woman scoffs)

Not another tattoo on your arse.

- Look its $130 minimum payment

or neither of us gets to use it.

- Railway Union Monthly, due to the pressures of business,

I'm unable to take your call

but leave your name and number and I'll get back to you.

Well I've only got 100.

As soon as possible.

- Pay slag him for 30.

- He's here for a job interview.

- [Janet] Look, it's Janet Wilson again.

- Looks like he just got out of jail.

- [Janet] Will you give it a rest? - I want the rest tomorrow.

- [Janet] That email has not arrived,

I've checked with my ISP and they assure me

that they are not bozos

and that no problems have been reported with their system

in the last 72 hours so they say the problem must be

at your end, thank you.

- What's your phone manner like?

- Well.

- Okay, well here's the deal.

I've stitched up Wilson Woodwind & Brass

for a half-page ad in the Railway Union Monthly.

Now, with every half-page ad,

you get a free editorial with it

so what I need you to do is to get dirty Janet Wilson

on the blower, see what she wants to push,

get some key phrases off her

and knock up 250 words on it, kapish?

- So I've got the job?

- Well, let's learn how to crawl

before we start talking about doing the City2Surf, yep?

Look, I'll fix you up with cash and I need this

by four o'clock so let's say $12 an hour.

- $36?

- Yeah, roughly.

- Yep.

(paper crunching)

- That's her.

So knock yourself out.

Oh, and if she asks about an email,

the computer has crashed, okay?

And she'll probably call me Pete

but don't worry about it.

You want a cup of tea?

- Yeah. - Yep.

50 cents.

Do you want me to take it out of your pay?

- Yeah.

- Okay, so that's 35.50.

- Okay. - Okay.

Too easy.

(phone beeping)

♪ Go on Norman, go ♪

- Janet, it's Ray Leonard here.

No, no, no, I've moved on.

No I'm with the Railway Union Monthly now.

Look, I'm just putting together your editorial

for our next issue.

- But Pete told me he'd emailed that already.

- Yeah, well, unfortunately the computer crashed so.

- So it just sucked the email back out

of the computer?

- How do you have it?

- Strong black.

Sorry.

My first thought was to draw some sort of analogy

with John Coltrane's quest.

As they call it

and say a potential customer's musical development.

Would that sound like the sort of thing that.

Price blowout?

- A trumpet price blowout.

- Trumpet price blowout.

- And I want you to work the season in too.

- What, a reference to Vivaldi's "Four Seasons"?

- No, autumn sale.

- Autumn sale, uh-huh.

Prices falling like leaves, yep.

- And don't forget the trumpets.

- Trumpets, price blowout, yes I've got that.

Yes, I have written that down, yeah.

- And I'll need that by two.

- By two, oh, I don't know if.

- Are you all right with that?

- Yep, yep, I'll have it to you as close to two

as I can or by two, yes.

Thank you Janet.

Thank you.

- Fancy going Dutch on a chook?

- Yeah, all right.

- So what, 10 bucks each?

Take it outta your pay?

So that's 25.50.

Do you like the stuffing?

- Yes, thank you.

- Excuse me.

There you go.

So Ray, what have you been doing since The Australian, hm?

- Nothing.

I haven't worked for six years.

I've been ill.

(phone beeping)

(phone rings)

- Bad cold was it or?

- Chronic fatigue.

- Oh, yuppie flu.

I was close.

- Woke up one morning and just couldn't get out of bed.

- [Julia] Ron Grealy Accountants, Julia speaking.

- Oh hello Julia, it's James White here

from Music, Music, Music, Music.

Could I speak to Ron please?

- What's it in regard to, James?

- It's in regards to Music, Music, Music, Music.

- Is that four musics?

- Yes, four.

- He's having a look at something at the moment,

I'll just see if he's available.

- Thanking you, Julia.

Actually, that is a very, very nice use of spot color.

Who else has got a red and white flag?

The Red Cross.

I wonder if I could take them for a quarter page.

Is there a disaster or an earthquake somewhere?

Something we can use as a hook?

Tell you what, Ray, use your bloody Google

and gimme a list of all the countries

that have got red and white flags.

- [Ron] Ron Grealy.

- Ron Grealy, it's James White here

from Music, Music, Music, Music. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Yep, okay, well, what I'm actually calling about Ron

is I've spotted your advertisement

in the local leader there Ron

and I hope you don't mind me saying so

but I actually thought it was a little drab.

- Did you now?

- I really, really did Ron.

I thought it let you down, to be perfectly Francis

and I hope you don't mind

but could you just check your inbox please Ron.

- Yeah.

- I've just emailed you an ad that I've taken the liberty

of mocking up for you which I think you're gonna find

far more effective as a means.

- For sound tax advice, Ron Grealy.

- There you go.

- And the woman's legs, what would they be about?

- You know, that would be your logo, Ron,

it's something to catch the eye.

- Yeah, well, what do a woman's legs

got to do with tax advice?

- All right, well, why don't we put across the top there,

you know, in between the legs, you know,

not getting enough at tax time?

You with me?

- That's not bad actually?

Sorry, you said your name.

- Yes I did, it's James.

- Well, it kinda gives me a sorta sexy image, doesn't it?

- It really, really does Ron

and that's actually what I was going for.

- Maybe you could stick a picture of my face

between the legs, smiling and looking there, eh?

- Yes, yes.

Some women might not go for that Ron.

That might actually cost you some female clients but.

- Still, be rather funny though wouldn't it eh?

- It'd be hysterical Ron, it really, really would.

- All right, I'll tell you what,

why don't you, you know, send me a copy of your magazine and some guff

about the rates and circulation stuff all right?

- Absolutely too easy there, Ron.

Look, actually what I'll do for you

is I'll put aside a quarter page ad for you now

because this thing is really starting to fill up

and I'll get all that literature out to you

and we can firm it up in the next day or two.

- All right, I'll think about it, okay?

- Yep, have a think about it

but I have put that quarter page aside for you.

- All right, I'll have a look at it.

- Yep, have a look at it

and we'll firm it up in the next day or two.

Nice talking to you Ron.

- All right, thanks mate.

- Hopefully this is the start of a wonderful.

(dial tone beeping)

(Don laughing)

Oh dearie me.

Oh, up she comes.

Weighing approximately 75 kilograms, dirty Ron Grealy.

(phone dinging)

(upbeat music)

What are you doing for money, Ray?

- Sickness benefits.

- Oh yeah, jeez.

This new bloody government, I tell you what.

Interest rates, sickness benefits.

It's all back on isn't it, huh?

You still on the sickness benefits?

- Yes.

- What causes chronic fatigue?

- Leslie.

- Leslie the wife?

Daughter?

- This is her Myspace page.

- Well, she can't be yours, she's hot.

Who's the Lieutenants of God?

- Don't know.

- Hi brothers and sisters in Jesus.

It's Leslie, and the Lord, our savior.

Here's a short video of one of our beautiful prayer sessions

down at the Lieutenants of God Ministry.

So, come join me soon and bask in the happy, happy light

of the Lord, yeah (laughs).

(people shouting) (upbeat rock music)

- I've been to sales conferences like that, Ray.

Ray? - Hm?

- How'd you go with those red and white flags?

- Indonesia, Holland, Peru, Singapore.

- Peru?

Peru, Peru, Peru.

Oh, 12 dead, dozens injured in a Peruvian train crash.

I mean, that's terrible for them obviously

but, you know, life goes on.

So, let's sucker up the cuisine guide for some Peruvian.

Oh, the Lima Express.

Hold onto your llamas, people, here I come.

(phone beeping)

(phone ringing)

Just taking up a collection for your birthday.

- How much has everyone else put in?

- Oh, you know, 10 bucks.

Shall I take it outta your pay?

So that's 15.50.

- [Blanca] Lima Express.

- Is that mine host, Blanca?

- Yes, Blanca, Lima Express.

- Blanca, it's Keriac Amenas here from Footy Inquest

and yes he is my cousin.

But what I'm actually calling you about today Blanca is, hello?

- Yes.

- Blanca, look, I was extremely moved

and really quite upset to be honest with you

about the bit in the news today

about the train crash in Peru.

- No, no, no, the lamb, the lamb.

- I hope you personally haven't lost anyone close,

have you Blanca?

- Where you from?

- Footy Inquest Magazine.

It's a high quality weekly wrap up

of all things football.

- What is this?

- Look, I understand you're a busy woman Blanca

so I will come straight to the point,

as a mark of my respect and a gesture towards the.

- Table, table two, table two.

- Okay, look I'm offering a 10% discount

to all Peruvian businesses who take out an ad

in Footy Inquest Magazine

so that anyone who cuts out that ad

and brings it in to your restaurant,

you, Blanca, donate 20% of the cost of that meal

to the Peruvian Disaster Relief Fund.

- How much you want?

- Well, that depends because,

well a full page ad is $1500.

- How much for the small one?

- A 16th of a page?

That's $120.

- [Blanca] Okay.

- The 16th of a page?

- Okay.

- Terrific, well, I think that's a wonderful gesture Blanca.

- The fucking lamb!

- And, look, would you like any special message

in the ad for the people in Peru

who are suffering, you know, so badly

at this point in time.

- No, no, you do, okay?

You do, I have to go now, okay?

Bye bye.

- Okay, bye now Blanca, bye now.

- [Blanca] The fucking lamb!

- That is better than a root, right?

Better than the last one I had anyway?

God I love small business.

I mean, isn't that exciting?

Doesn't that make you feel good to be alive?

(upbeat music)

Where's me Kit Kats?

- All right, Janet, how does this sound?

Autumn traditionally signifies change.

It's a time of romance, open fires, and mulled wine.

This year, however, it signifies a trumpet price blowout

because as the leaves turn brown and fall from the trees,

so do the prices at Wilson Woodwind & Brass.

No, I have to change that bit

because that sounds like the prices are turning brown

as well as falling, anyway.

- [Don] Jesus, what's happened here?

- For as long as I can remember, autumn has always been

the best time to buy a new woodwind or brass instrument.

Perhaps it's the crispness of the air

that makes the flute resonate, the oboe sing,

and the trumpet ring so true.

Or perhaps it's the warm glow of brass

in the soft-filtered autumn sunlight

that turns a man's thoughts

to top-of-the-range trombones and bugles.

Whatever the reason, autumn is the perfect time

for a trumpet price blowout, as it currently taking place

at Wilson Woodwind & Brass

and with Janet Wilson's generous five percent discount

to all Railway Union members,

there's never been a better time for a rail worker

to blow his own trumpet.

That's it.

- That's beautiful, Ray.

It's poetry.

And you've got the trumpets in there

and the bugles and the whole blowout thing works so well.

You've got a lovely touch, Ray.

It's quite sensual.

- Oh.

And Janet, would you be at all interested

in buying another advertisement in the next issue,

perhaps a smaller one or is it just not worth the bother?

- Why don't you call me in a couple of weeks

and we'll see how this one goes

and take it from there.

- Thank you Janet.

- Thank you Ray (chuckles).

Bye.

Bye.

- Goodbye.

- What's your story with the toilet?

- What?

- Why didn't you flush?

- Well I saw that you hadn't so I thought

it must be some sort of water-conservation policy

so I just left mine on top of yours.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

I don't wanna hear that.

Flushing is the policy here at all times.

I was actually distracted earlier so.

In future, all parcels from that department

go express post to Werribee.

Okay?

- Yes.

- Happy birthday.

(cork pops)

(upbeat music)

♪ The Sydney Harbor Bridge ♪

♪ It lights up on New Years Eve ♪

♪ Revealing to the world just what Aussies can achieve ♪

♪ Snowy mountain ♪

Can you believe that is only 6.50.

Oh, I nearly forgot.

That's 15.50.

And not a word to the tax man.

♪ It's no wonder my ♪

How much are the sickness benefits?

- $537 and 70 cents a fortnight.

- Jeez, that's all right, isn't it eh?

Think Marcus Good or James White

might have to put in a claim.

They've been feeling a bit fatigued lately (laughs).

♪ Rest upon our laurels ♪

♪ Railway crossin' ♪

So come on Ray, journo with The Aus, published author.

What are you really doing here?

- My psychologist thought it was an important step

in addressing my depression.

It's called cognitive behavior therapy.

It's confronting your fears,

like standing on a train full of strangers

and shouting out the names of the stations

as you stop at them.

♪ Turned this land from barren waste ♪

♪ To an all-out paradise ♪

So.

♪ It's no wonder my ♪

Should I come in tomorrow?

♪ Quite as nice ♪

♪ Turned this land from barren waste ♪

♪ To an all-out paradise ♪

♪ It's no wonder my grands plopped here ♪

♪ 'Cause there's nowhere, nowhere, nowhere ♪

♪ Quite as nice ♪

♪ Not quite as nice ♪

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