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When I was younger,

this is how
I pictured my wedding.

I'm standing at the altar
with my fiance,

I have no idea that
my best friend, Tom,

the man I truly love,

is galloping towards the church

on a huge black stallion,

racing to stop me from making the biggest mistake of my life.

Just as I'm about
to say, "I do,"

Tom flies through the doors
of the church, and...

My heart skips a beat.

Back then, I'd picture
what it would feel like

to have
my heart broken.

Maybe I'd be working
in advertising

and I'd fall in love

with an inventor
of mysterious confectionary

while on a work trip
with him.

But then, I'd discover
his true identity.

He's my arch nemesis
from a rival company.

Understandably, I'm horrified.

Or, I'd imagine

how I'd meet
the love of my life.

My new Gucci shoe.

Come on.

Or where I'd be working when I met my husband.

-Hello, Natalie.
-Hello, David.

I mean, sir.

Shit. I can't believe
I've just said that.

And now I've gone
and said "shit."

It's fine, it's fine.

You could have said "fuck"

and then we'd have been
in real trouble.

Thank you, sir.

I did have
an awful premonition

I was gonna fuck up
on my first day.

Or what it would be like

when I met my fiance's
parents for the first time.

Good night, Mr. Banks.

Oh, you can call him
George. Or Dad!

George will be fine.

And don't forget
to fasten your condom.

Dad!

Seat belt! I meant...
I meant seat belt.

And I'd often
dream of being a chef

with magical powers,

which I could use to woo
the man of my dreams.

And my best friend...

...would be a crab.

This is how dominant
romantic comedies have
been in my life.

As a young woman,
they became

an obsession so powerful,

that they're now
a part of my identity.

Maybe it'd be better
if we start at the beginning.

And at most mythologized
and beguiling of all places,

the suburban teenage
girl's bedroom.

Mine looked a lot like this.

And it was here
among the training bras,
hair mascara,

and intense boredom

that my obsession with
romantic comedies began.

They ease my fear
of being alone forever

as they promised me
that one day,

I, too, could have
a fulfilling romantic life.

Just as long
as I followed the rules.

A woman must always be laid back, easy-going and fun.

If you think
you hate someone,

that might actually mean
they're perfect for you.

And true relationship
success is achieved

by one thing,
and one thing only,

a big white wedding.

Which is wat happened to me,
I got married.

Well, this isn't my wedding,
but does it really matter?

Aren't all weddings
basically the same?

Before I got married,

my relationship to
romantic comedies

was pure and uncomplicated.

They reflected my experiences as a young woman

and dominated my outlook
on love and relationships.

But because most
romantic comedies

end with a marriage,
after my wedding,

I felt like
they'd abandoned me.

The connection was broken,

and suddenly,
I began to see

all the other ways
in which they were imperfect.

And I wasn't the only person
who felt this way.

ANNE T. - I like
that I don't have to think

when I watch
romantic comedies.

I basically can just curl up
and not really worry.

But I will say,
the more...

The older I get, the more
they do make me anxious.

Liar!

They're really heteronormative,

and they're really white,

and they're really schmaltzy.

I saw Cameron
Diaz get poked in the face

by a penis in a glory hole.

And yet,
I was still obsessed.

But now when
the credits rolled,

I didn't feel elated,

I felt guilty.

Not that that stopped me.

I carried on watching them
over and over again.

beyond this

and I feel it leads somewhere

They say for sure, once

for as long as you want

get up and run

Of all genres, romantic comedies are the films

that are most
heavily targeted

towards a conventional
female audience.

And so, they have
the power to influence us.

Well, some of us.

We can see this
in the way women respond

to one of the most
successful rom-com heroines

of all time, Bridget Jones.

Some feel positive.

Everybody
kinda likes Bridget Jones,

like, you have to love her

because she's completely
who she is.

She never expresses
that she feels complete

when she's with a guy.

She got happy
and content by herself.

That's why Bridget Jones
is just like the HBC.

The Head Bitch in Charge.

But if staying here means
working within ten yards of you,

frankly, I'd rather have a job
wiping Saddam Hussein's ass.

Others are not so positive.

You know
what her weight is

and she's claiming
to be very overweight.

And she weighs about
nine stone or something.

Resolution number one,

obviously will lose 20 pounds.

I do remember
seeing that film

when it first came out,
and thinking,

"I weigh what
this woman weighs.

"She's worried that
she's really overweight,

"so I must be
really overweight."

My own feelings on Bridget are also conflicted.

In the films, we're told she's
a successful career woman.

Yet, I think this truth
is undermined

by her many pratfalls at work.

Bridget wasn't the only
clumsy career woman
I saw in romantic comedies.

Rom-coms have
painted career women

as these pathetic, clumsy,
bumbling idiots,

because the idea of a woman

having her shit together
is very frightening.

She's doing
all this, like, nine to five,

but then, like,
she's kind of a klutz.

Like, "I'll save her."

They always think
that women need to be saved.

...must remember
the way to a man's heart

is not through beauty,
sex, or love,

but merely the ability

to fall arse over tit
in the mud.

People wouldn't
respond very well

to a portrayal
of a successful woman

who wasn't somehow
undermining her success
at every turn.

There has to be something
that takes away

from her own self-confidence

because I think people still
don't particularly like

to see that on screen.

In order
to better understand

how career women
and women in general

are presented in the films,

we need to look
at how they've been portrayed

in romantic comedies
throughout history.

In the 1930s,

Hollywood wasn't taken
seriously as a business.

Which meant people who normally existed on the margins,

namely, immigrants and women,
were able to thrive.

There were far more roles
for women than for men,

and female actors commanded
bigger paychecks.

The romantic heroines
of this era,

the screwball queens,
reflected this female power.

They were strong,
intelligent women

who excelled at exchanging pithy one-liners

with their male love interests.

This is my car.

-You mean this is your car?
-Of course.

Your golf ball, your car.

Is there anything in the world
that doesn't belong to you?

Yes, thank heaven, you.

-Now, don't lose your temper.
-Well, I...

My dear young lady,
I'm not losing my temper,

I'm merely trying
to play some golf.

Well, you choose
the funniest places.

This is a parking lot.

Will you get out of my car?

Will you get off
my running board?

This is my running board!

All right, honey.

-Stay there then.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Unlike modern rom-coms,
the female protagonists

of the '30s were often
brilliant career women.

For example,
Hildy fromHis Girl Friday.

It always thrills me that instead of picking the man

who offers her security,
motherhood,
and suburban lawns...

Oh, you're gonna live
with your mother?

Well, just
for the first year.

...Hildy
returns to Walter

who loves and values her
for her mind

and her journalistic talent.

He treats her as his equal.

They'll be naming streets
after you. Hildy Johnson Street.

There'll be statues
of you in the park,

The movies will be after you,
the radio.

By tomorrow morning,
I'll bet you there's
a Hildy Johnson cigar.

I can see the billboards now.
Says, "Light up
with Hildy Johnson."

-Oh, Walter,
will stop that acting?
-Huh?

-We got a lot to do.
-Oh, yeah, talking?

But this equality
didn't last.

World War II killed
the screwball

as it encouraged both genders
back into conformity.

Men out fighting.

Women at home keeping
the house in order.

Hollywood transformed
into the patriarchal
institution we know today.

If career women were
shown onscreen...

I happen to be paying
your salary, Ryan.

You can play games
on your own time.

Now, get down.

Tip that light down
a little, will you,

the one near his right shoulder?

They were always
eventually tamed by the man.

Goodbye, Henry.

Oh! Oh, Ryan! Ryan...

In general, we see chaste innocent virgins

waiting for their man
to come home and marry them.

But then in the 1950s,
everything changed again.

Hi.

Well, hello.

Marilyn Monroe's
charisma and talent

was unlike anything anyone
had ever seen.

Whilst rarely shown
as a career woman,

her innate natural sexuality
elevated her.

Her male counterparts would be reduced to bumbling idiots,

cowed by her immense
female power.

I'd like to stay here
with you tonight.

Mmm?

I'd like to sleep here.

Are you sure?

That is, if you don't mind.

Marilyn died in 1962.

I often wonder what the world
of romantic comedies

would have looked like
if she'd lived.

Her last film,
Something's Got to Give,

was never finished.

It was remade a year later
asMove Over, Darling

with another beautiful
blonde, Doris Day.

But unlike Marilyn,

Doris' romantic heroines
were not sexually confident.

Bedroom problems?

In fact,
they were incredibly chaste,

protecting their virtue
even when they were stranded

on a desert island
for five years.

There was a man
on that island with me.

How marvelous.
No wonder you look so well.

But you silly girl,
why did you tell Nick?

I didn't tell him!

He just found out.

Oh. Well, tell me then.
I wanna know everything.

There's nothing to tell.

And whilst these women
often did have careers,

they were very happy
to relinquish them

in the name of marriage
and motherhood.

In general,

it feels like the genre
hasn't really progressed much

since Doris Day
and her pastel twin sets.

In
The Devil Wears Prada,
when he's pissed

that she missed his birthday
or something...

Yeah, she should miss
your birthday.

She has a really important job.

You got a cupcake,
why are you mad?

Nate, I'm so sorry.

I kept trying to leave,

but there's a lot
going on and...

You know I didn't have a choice.

Don't worry about it.

Romantic comedies
don't have a responsibility

to represent reality.

Way to go, Tess.

-Yay.
-Beauty.

However, I can say
that as a teenager,

dreaming of the relationships I one day hoped to experience,

I turned to them for guidance.

What I saw influenced,
or even defined,

my future romantic behavior.

When I fell in love
with romantic comedies,

Julia Roberts
was the reigning queen.

Holy shit.

During that period, there was a surge of the films,

which were hugely successful
at the box office.

And I watched all of them.

As the demand grew,

the genre began
to cannibalize itself

and spiraled out of control.

I now realize
it was presenting me

with increasingly more dubious narratives as romantic ideals.

I think that many
of the premises of rom-coms

are deeply suspect
and a bit twisted.

While You Were Sleeping...

I mean, that's quite a good
horror movie title already.

Does she have
a cat or not,

even, like, just
pictures of a cat?

And she's just
always in that little booth

in the train station
not really talking to anyone.

She pretends
to be with a guy

who's been in an accident,
he's in a coma.

She's obsessed with him,

but she's never,
ever talked to him.

And she goes to the hospital,
and they won't let her in
to see him.

Completely justified.

Whoa, whoa,
you can't go in there.

-No, no, no,
you don't understand.
-No, are you family?

-No.
-Family only.

No, you don't understand.

-I was...
-You wait there.

But she lies and
says that she's his fiancee.

Is that the woman
that saved his life?

Yeah.

Whoa.

It gets even better than that.

She's his fiancee.

And then,
his family show up.

And she feels it's normal
to lie to them as well,

and just insinuates herself
into his life.

I've fallen
in love with men

who are in emotional comas,
for sure.

Maybe
not physical ones.

I feel like there's
some sort of deformity

that he has on his testicles
that she gets a look at

so that she can say
to his mother, like,

"No, I really am his fiancee

"because I've seen his, like,
watermelon-sized testicle."

Peter has one testicle.

-No way.
-Way.

About a month ago,
there was an accident,

and he was playing basketball,

and his friend had a pencil
in his back pocket.

Ew.

She's not even
interested in him in the end,

and she falls in love
with Bill Pullman.

She falls in love
with his brother

and ends up with the brother.

I think the prospect
that you could fall in love

with somebody who's in a coma,

tell his family
that you're his fiancee

and then, fall in love
with his brother
is psychopathic behavior

that should probably see you
ending up in a courtroom.

The film
that first made me realize

that the genre had lost its way wasFailure to Launch.

It's about a guy

who is too old to be living
with his parents,

but he's still living
with his parents.

Unhappy
with this domestic situation,

they employ Paula,
who is an expert

in making adult children
fly the nest.

Based on the initial
personality assessment,

I think that I can have your son
moved out of this house

and living on his own
by June 15th.

Ah!
Hallelujah.

The most dubious part
of the film, for me,

is that, while Paula
is still in the the employ
of Tripp's parents,

she has sex with him.

Paula?

Wow. Early risers.

Hey, listen, FYI, workwise,
we're definitely on track.

Things are good. Tripp is good.
Well, actually, he's fantastic.

Of course,
I don't need to tell you that.

You're his parents.
I'm just, uh...

Just trying to say
you should be very proud of him.

Well...

You've got a lovely home.

She betrays him.

And yet,
they still end up together.

Idealizing
any relationship that starts
with one person

having immense power
and control over the other,

that's not a good place
to start from.

Fundamentally,
one person has been paid

to spend time with the other

and has had
a particular motive,

and it can't help
but be curdled by that.

I never found
Failure to Launch
romantic or aspirational.

But one part of it
did stay with me,

the way Paula changed
who she was

in order to secure her man.

How do you make sure that
he'll fall in love with you?

You look nice,
you find out what they like,

and then you pretend
to like it too.

That is pretty much
how it works.

This idea
that a woman is appealing

to a man if her behavior
resembles his...

Yeah.

is common to many
of the romantic comedies
that influenced me.

And consequently, I spent much of my 20s trying to conform

to what I now recognize
were unachievable ideals.

She somehow can still
have a magically perfect body

despite eating
whatever she wants

like Sandra Bullock
inMiss Congeniality.

Sandra Bullock did a lot
of overeating on film.

Not even overeating,
just eating,

and not talking
about her diets.

But it isn't
just food.

The Generation X
rom-com heroine

loves everything
that a man loves.

InThere's Something
About Mary,

Mary is the beer-swigging,
sports-loving,

physical embodiment
of the ultimate cool girl.

When a guy can play 36 holes
and still have enough energy

to take me and Warren to
a ball game, and eat hotdogs.

I'm talking sausage
hotdogs, beer.

Not light beer, but beer.

That's my ad. Print it up.

Watching this,
I saw how attractive Mary was

to every man she met

to the extent that she has
to take legal action.

Woogie, you know you're
not supposed to be
within 400 yards of me.

Let's not forget here.

You put me through
a lot of bullshit, okay?

I had to change my name.

I had to go to court. I moved.

I mean,
you stole all of my shoes.

She sounds
like an embodiment
of a writer's desire

'cause all of that
is about how she's seen

rather than anything that's coming, like, internally

from her own desire.

Women just
conform to certain forms
of male behavior,

and they are "chill"

and they're willing
to sublimate themselves

and adopt male characteristics

in order to get along
better with men.

It's this thing
of, like, women having
to be effortless.

It's like how women
always wake up

with, like, perfect
makeup in films.

How come you always look
so great in the morning?

Do I?

They started
making jokes about it now,
but even then,

you're like, "Yeah,
but you do actually look
a bit too nice."

Oh, I was having a nightmare.
I was so scared.

Oh.

You look beautiful.

Oh, no,
I'm sure I look terrible.

I just woke up. Are you kidding?

-I'm sure I'm a mess.

As a young woman,

one of my favorite rom-com
heroines was journalist Andy

inHow to Lose
a Guy in 10 Days.

She's naturally cool.

She loves sports,

fast food,
and, of course, beer.

But for a magazine article, she has to drive her man away.

So she forces herself

to become the type of woman
she knows men hate.

Consequently, I saw how unappealing men find women

who are not "cool."

I did something kind of wacky.

-Huh?
-Yes.

I used Photoshop at work today
to composite our faces together

to see what our kids
would look like.

"Our Family Album!"

She's emotionally needy.

You don't wanna see
our children?

She asks him
to share her interests.

And she takes care of him
in front of his friends.

-Blow.

Nobody likes a Mr. Sniffles.

-I hate Mr. Sniffles.

Ultimately though,
Andy's natural coolness
shines through,

and is what lands her her man.

So I thought that if
I could be more easy-going
and uncomplicated,

then I'd have
more success with men.

Women are
often taught growing up

that you're there to, like,
ease social situations

and to make people
feel comfortable

and not to make a fuss.

But it's actually
not just coolness that makes
a woman attractive.

It's her willingness
to play the part of the muse.

They're there
to inspire and facilitate

the greatness of
their male counterparts

rather than to have that
within themselves.

For example,
Sam inGarden State.

The scene
where she's like,

"Sometimes, I like
to make a noise

"that no one's ever
made before."

And then they make these kind of squeaky, kooky noises.

Like,
this is supposed to
be the character trait

that makes you think
that she's this really
extraordinary person.

She's got no agency,
or desire, or humanity

beyond being a mirror
to reflect him

and to allow him
to find himself.

Even500 Days
of Summer,

which was marketed as
a subversion of the genre

because of its unusual
storytelling devices.

And the scene in which
the leading man performs

a post-coital dance routine,

still presents its female lead, Summer, in a troubling way.

We're introduced
to her riding on a bike.

And are told
her height, weight,

and her uncontrollable
effect on men.

In 1998,
Summer quoted a song

by the Scottish band,
Belle and Sebastian,

in her high school yearbook.

The spike in Michigan sales
of their album,The Boy
with the Arab Strap,

continues to puzzle
industry analysts.

Summer's employment
at The Daily Freeze
during her sophomore year

coincided with an inexplicable 212% increase in revenue.

And her round-trip
commute to work

averaged 18.4 double-takes
per day.

Looking back,

I didn't realize that someone
was being objectified

because she's shown
through a lens of indieness.

"I am being different
because I'm this, like,
skinny white dude."

But really, it's like,

"Well, you're still
treating them the same way."

Even though they're
not in a bikini,

you're still using
the same, basically,
misogynistic tropes.

Why is it pretty girls think

they can treat people like crap
and get away with it?

Centuries of reinforcement.

I rewatched
500 Days of Summer recently

and was struck by
the title card
that opens the film.

On the whole, romantic comedies of this era led me to believe

that my main priority

was to find a man
and make him happy.

Women aren't
supposed to be hungry

for anything except love.

Overeating, sleeping around,
or overworking

are all ways to fill a void

that's been left
by not having a relationship.

Which, of course, is...
We all know is true, right?

Tell me, when is the last time

that you went on
a real live date?

I'm concentrating
on my career right now.

Do you own
any colored underwear,

stripes or anything?

There are still
these very archaic rules

about who's allowed what.

If you want sex, that means you don't get love.

I don't think
I've ever watched a rom-com

and related
to the main character

and been like,
"Oh, but you know,

"we totally share
the same views about sex."

You think of, like, Ashley Judd inSomeone Like You,

blowing the dust
off her diaphragm.

Why was it stored somewhere
that it was getting so dusty?

Like, where has it been?
And also, are you...

You're not gonna wash that off?

Like, are we not
gonna talk about that?

Women are very
rarely sexy in sex scenes.

There's always,
like, a guy on top,

and they're, like, trying
to coax something out of him.

For films
that are effectively
about the ultimate goal

being romantic satisfaction
and happiness,

it's never about
sexual satisfaction.

Because if someone's
sexually satisfied,

it means that they're a slut.

That selfish whore.

We're sluts, Emma.
We're dirty, dirty sluts.

Barfing, fucking, screwing,

the great days of nobody's fool.

Why don't you start taking cash
for your services?

It would be more honest.

That girl is a slut.
She completely trapped that guy.

InWhat's
Your Number?, a woman
who's slept with 19 men

reads an article that tells her that women who have slept

with more than 20 men
won't get married.

I see it in my practice
all the time.

When you're too
sexually available,

it messes with your self-esteem.

Next thing you know, you're 45,
no self-respect, no husband,

and no muscle tone
in your pelvic floor.

She treats
this as gospel

and decides to marry
the next man she sleeps with.

The next guy who vacations
at Casa Esperanza

is going to be my husband.

It means that
you're damaged goods,

that you're this object
that someone wants,

and your premium is much higher if you're untainted.

A man is supposed
to be attracted to a woman

who can be fully owned by him. It's really gross.

The romantic comedies
I watched didn't expect me

to be concerned
with my own sexual desire.

In them, women are there
to make their partner
feel good about himself

and his prowess.

The Sweetest Thing,
written by Nancy Pimental,

attempts to skewer
this ridiculous trope.

What do we always tell them
no matter what?

Oh.

"Oh, my God. Your penis
is so... Big."

Good girl.

They sing
this weird goofy song

that I'm just gonna call,
"The Penis Song."

You're too big to fit in here.

Too big to fit in here. Ow!

Too big to fit in here.

to fit in here

-Oh, my God.
-Oh, my God, it's fame.

Everyone in
the restaurant is, like,
immediately on board.

No one's like, "Who are
these annoying women
ruining our lunch?"

Then there's this
old woman that's completely
stealing the scene.

Scene stealer!

Okay, it's pulling
me round now.

It's my feeling
that the films influence
me and my behavior.

But for every rom-com queen
there must be a king.

So, how do the men
in the films behave?

Ew!

People don't
really talk about the men

in romantic comedies too much.

When I watch
these films now,

I'm always taken aback
at how aggressive

the men are in the way
that they pursue women.

-I said no.
-No?

-No.
-Why not?

Because I don't wanna go
have a drink with you.

I wanna go home.
Is that so hard to understand?

Hey. Hey. Hey.

What's going on?
Are you mad or something?

Go on, say it. You know what,

no matter what it is,
we're gonna work it out.

Hal, I'm not attracted to you.

So what?

InThe Last Kiss,

Zach Braff plays a man
living with his
pregnant girlfriend.

Finding himself
unable to commit,

he begins an affair
with a college student.

You make me feel
ten years younger.

Ten years?

Then I'm seducing a younger man.

Excellent.

You're trying to make me
lose my mind, aren't you?

I've already lost mine.

When his girlfriend
finds out, she's devastated,

and kicks him out of the house.

Who is she?

-What are you talking about?
-I want to know who she is.

Who were you with, Michael?

This girl I met. It was nothing.
It was nothing.

Oh, God! You make me sick!

But it didn't mean
anything, baby.

She made me realize
I want to spend the rest
of my life with you.

-I know that now.
-I'm three months pregnant

and you're already out
trying to fuck other women!

-Jenna.
-Get out right now.

I'll tell you when you
can come back and get your shit.

-Maybe Kimmy can help you pack.
-Jenna, we're having a baby.

Get out of here!
Go back to fucking Kim!

What, are you gonna
fucking stab me, Jenna?

-Get out!
-Are you out
of your fucking mind?

-Get the fuck out of here!
-Are you out
of your fucking mind?

-Get the fuck out!
-Fuck you! Fuck you!

He asks
her father for advice,

who tells him that
he should try and win
back the daughter.

I will do anything in the world
to get your daughter back.

Well, it's very simple.

Just do whatever it takes.

So he camps out
on her porch for days,

waiting for her to forgive him.

I really worry
about where he was
going to the toilet,

for the three days
that he was lying,
not moving, on the porch.

It's horrible.

Can you imagine
if your partner
was lying outside

shitting themselves
for three days

bullying you into
you taking them back.

In real life, I hope
that this kind of behavior

wouldn't end in reconciliation.

But in the film,
it's successful.

And there are
many more examples

of men exhibiting aggressive
and controlling behavior

in romantic comedies.

The tenacious man
is an incredibly harmful
portrayal of men to watch.

It goes against
every idea of consent,

and that you should respect
women's boundaries.

It says, "If you just do
this inappropriate thing,

"or stalk her a little bit more or catfish her,

"then one day
she might fall for you."

People talk about
romantic comedies

giving women a lot
of unrealistic expectations
about relationships,

but I think they give men,
perhaps, some even more
damaging ones.

Rob?

Laura, I just want
to say something.

I think you're running.

And... And he doesn't love you.

And he doesn't understand you, not the way I will.

And I will even more so
in the future.

I like you, Tom,

I just don't want a relation...

Well, you're not the only one
that gets a say in this!

I do, too. And I say
we're a couple, God damn it!

I don't love you anymore.

No, I...

I refuse to accept that.

Izzy, go home!

those girls a chance

It's easy to see

Into lies

at playing the nice guy

That you're a nice guy

Over your bed?

And round your head?

Matter at all

While I might claim

that romantic comedies
negatively influenced
my behavior,

at least I saw elements
of myself reflected in them.

This isn't the case
for everyone.

In the majority of
mainstream romantic comedies,

there's a disturbing
lack of any characters

who aren't white, heterosexual,

or middle-class.

It's insane
that there isn't, like,

a really popular, funny rom-com

about an interracial couple.

Isn't that crazy?

The only interracial
couple I can think of is,

and he doesn't even speak,
I don't think, hardly,

inLove Actually,
Keira Knightley's husband
is black.

But then all the focus
is on her white stalker.

It's kind of
interesting to think about

romantic comedies
as a brown woman,

because so many of
the mainstream Hollywood ones

that I watched
were about white women.

It can feel jarring
or distancing

because you can see
a tiny element of yourself.

But it's also not you.

It's not your world.

And it can be quite
a weird experience to watch.

Studio
executives assume

that white audiences
won't "relate" to films
that have got black leads in,

which is obviously
a racist assumption.

And what about
the women watching
mainstream romantic comedies

who don't resemble
the very specific
Hollywood ideal?

The only images I see
of someone who looks like me

in films are "Before" pictures,

and then a woman goes on
to, like, hate herself

or lose weight
and then be happy.

-You look fabulous.
-Thank you.

Look at you. What did you do?
Is it your hair? What is it?

It's my hair,
and I have a little sun.

-It's...
-She lost 60 pounds.

And... And I lost
a little weight.

-I see that. Yeah.
-Yeah?

-You look terrific.
-Thank you.

-Sixty pounds?
-Yeah.

-That's a Backstreet Boy.
-Right?

Or I see
the sassy best friend

who never has any kind
of romantic potential.

I'm doing the Dr. Riverbed fast.

-Oh, yeah!
-Yeah!

What is that?

Water, peach resin,
apple pectin, shark extract,

and Lawry's seasoning salt.

What about food?

Look, I'm going to look
amazing in that dress,

I'm going to meet
a Scottish man...

And I'm
gonna be happy!

It's kind of
this moral imperative

for women to be thin.

Because thinness
is linked to success,

and is linked to fuck-ableness,

and is linked to whether or not that person is lovable

and worthy to care about.

Being loved means
caring about being thin.

What are you doing?
You're hurting her.

I'm helping her.
I did it to myself for years.

She can take it.

There it is.

-Good job.

Good job.

Why would you ever
do that to yourself?

I wanted to be beautiful.

We don't see
anything but exactly
what has been taught

is, "normal and digestible."

And anything that,
probably, our parents were
told to subscribe to

and our grandparents were told to subscribe to, etc. etc.

When I sawIn & Out,

it was really affirming.

-You know what you need?
-I need a wedding!

Again, looking back
on it, all the stereotypes...

-You're an English teacher.
-Exactly.

I mean, all this poetry,
and odes, and bonnets...

Sonnets?

And you're kind of prissy.

Prissy?

All the weird tropes...

-Uncut.
-Funny Girl!

...that now as an
adult gay man, like,

I'm not that into.

If you see gay men,
they have only one purpose,

and that is to make
the main character

look like they have dimension.

Which is the whole purpose
of Rupert Everett
in My Best Friend's Wedding.

What dress to wear now

She calls him
when he's in the middle
of important stuff.

And it's not about
her being selfish,

it's about
he's at her beck and call.

George,
answer this, damn it!

-I'm in a meltdown here.

She double-crossed me!

-The little twerp
double-crossed me.

I'm running out of time.

I'm completely out
of sneaky ideas.

I've come to the end
of my rapidly fraying rope.

George, you have got
to think of something!

Even when
romantic comedies

do show gay characters
in fulfilling relationships,

it's always within
a heteronormative framing.

And it's often tinged
with tragedy,

as we see inFour Weddings
and a Funeral.

Gareth used to prefer
funerals to weddings.

He said it was easier
to get enthusiastic

about a ceremony
one had an outside chance

of eventually being involved in.

As ever, the problem
with these things

is that these bits
of representation

are being driven by people

with no real experience
or familiarity

with the thing
they're trying to represent.

I'm sure plenty
of people in Hollywood

have a gay acquaintance

that they might see in this
sort of stereotypical way,

because they don't see
the full magnitude
of their personhood.

They only see a very specific
version of the person.

-What the hell was that?
-I'm showing you the magic.

No, I said come 90
and then I come ten.

My mouth was open, Albert!

You overeager son of a...

Blecch!

-Oh, excuse me.
-Yeah.

Are you running
this whole thing?

Oh, sure.

Walk up to
the first homo you see

and assume he's
the wedding coordinator.
Right? Nice.

No, no, I didn't mean that.

Nice stereotype, buddy. Nice.

Did I hear someone say,
"Wedding coordinator?"

That would be moi.
So, how can I help you?

-These aren't my clothes.
-Well, where are your clothes?

I've lost my clothes.

Well, why are you
wearing these clothes?

Because I just went gay,
all of a sudden.

Why don't you just go
to a gay bar?

At this point,
it would be wonderful
to talk about the portrayal

of gay women
and bisexuals in the films,

and of trans people.

But I can't.

Because they almost
never appear in mainstream
Hollywood rom-coms.

And the films also rarely show people with disabilities,

or people from
lower-income backgrounds.

Nobody is a drop out.

Everyone has post-secondary
education.

Everybody lives in neighborhoods that are "good."

You have these characters
who have, like, dead-end jobs,

but seem to live
very, very stable lives.

Even if their job is, like,

getting fired from being
a waiter in the first act.

But then again, you know,
it was the '90s.

I'm never gonna find
another part-time job,

and then I'm not gonna be
able to pay my rent,

and I'm gonna have to move.
To Brooklyn!

Ah, the joy of rent control.

Six rooms, $450 a month.

Perhaps
the reason for this skewed
or narrow representation

is because of the demographics of the people

in power behind the camera.

It's that, overwhelmingly,

there's a certain type
of person whose
perspective we hear,

like people coming from
a certain background

or certain experience.

There isn't a space
for enough challenge,

coming from different writers
and different directors.

Men are the people
that are in power,

like you always have
male producers

or male heads of studios,
and usually male directors.

For all
the Hollywood liberalism,

all the guys that are making
these decisions,

are the same 60-year-old
white dudes.

It could be Wall Street.

You're not here to love anybody.

You're here to promote a movie.
That's it. Period.

I've worked in film

and I've seen how it works
behind the scenes.

It's about money,

and it's about what
the industry thinks
people want to see,

which is never what people
actually want to see.

Gay people, black people,
women, are all capable
of making good movies.

So what's the hang-up?

And I don't have anything
against straight white guys,

but to say that it isn't
disproportionately in
their favor is ludicrous.

Now, as an adult,

in a happy,
balanced relationship,

I can clearly see
the negative aspects

of so many romantic comedies
I once loved.

And yet, I still find myself
watching these films.

And I'm moved by them,
despite their flaws.

It's wonderful
watching people fall in love.

Like, it's very uplifting.

It's a thrill,
it's a fantasy,

it's like something
that you're experiencing

for a cinematic emotion.

And not because you
necessarily condone or agree

with everything that's
happening on the screen.

Disneyland
of the heart or something.

You wouldn't want
to go there all the time,

it's not something
you would want for yourself,

but it's not an unpleasant
fantasy to entertain.

You're given
all the little tiny,
bubbly feelings

of what it would be like
to be in love.

But it's never treacherous.

They resonate because,

even if the circumstances in them are completely ludicrous,

there are moments
of real humanity
written into them.

It's the watching
someone ride off into
the sunset, isn't it?

You only imagine
something beautiful
is going to happen,

but you don't know
what it is.

Romantic comedies tap
into universal human desire.

We all want to be loved.

Maybe we want that
for a lifetime.

But maybe we only want that
for one night.

Either way, the desire for that connection is always there.

The films have
a very simple way
of showing this.

They present the love interests as two parts of one whole.

Plato tells us we began
as circles.

And when we strived
to be like the gods,

we were punished
by a thunderbolt
that struck us,

and cut us right down,
dead-center, in half.

And we scattered
to the ends of the earth,

searching and searching

for our other half.

Or to put it
another way...

You...

Complete me.

For me, the pinnacle
of romantic comedies

is Nora Ephron's
When Harry Met Sally.

And this masterpiece
wholeheartedly embraces

the idea that the two lovers
should be opposites,

who unite and complete
each other.

Harry is doomy
and full of cynicism,

which is in stark contrast

to Sally's upbeat,
positive persona.

-Yes, basically
I'm a happy person.
-So am I.

And I don't see that there's
anything wrong with that.

Of course not.
You're too busy being happy.

Do you ever think about death?

-Yes.
-Sure you do.

A fleeting thought
that's just in and out
of the transom of your mind.

I spend hours. I spend days.

And you think this makes you
a better person?

Well, when the shit comes down,

I'm gonna be prepared
and you're not,

-that's all I'm saying.
-In the meantime,

you're gonna ruin
your whole life waiting for it.

At first,
their differences
drive them apart.

But then, as they grow older
and move through the world,

they're faced with challenges.

You're not with Joe anymore?

We just broke up.

Aww.

I'm sorry. That's too bad.

Yeah. Well, you know...
Yeah.

So...

-What about you?
-I'm fine.

How's married life?

Not so good.
I am getting a divorce.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

Yeah, well,
what're you gonna do?

Gradually,
through sharing

their contrasting worldviews
with each other,

they begin to make sense
of themselves,

and their lives.

Harry, you're gonna
have to try and find a way

of not expressing
every feeling that you have,

every moment that you have them.

Oh, really?

Yes.

There are times and places
for things.

Well, the next time you're
giving a lecture series
on social graces,

would you let me know?
'Cause I'll sign up.

Hey.

You don't have to take
your anger out on me.

Oh, I think I'm entitled
to throw a little anger
your way.

Especially when I'm being
told how to live my life

by Miss Hospital Corners.

What's that supposed to mean?

I mean, nothing bothers you.

You never get upset
about anything.

Don't be ridiculous.

What?

You never get upset about Joe.

I never see that back up on you.
How is that possible?

Don't you experience
any feelings of loss?

I don't have to take
this crap from you.

If you're so over Joe,
why aren't you seeing anyone?

I see people.

See people. Have you slept
with one person

since you broke up with Joe?

What the hell does that
have to do with anything?

That will prove I'm over Joe,

because I fuck somebody?

Harry, you're gonna have
to move back to New Jersey

because you've slept
with everybody in New York,

and I don't see that
turning Helen

into a faint memory for you.

Besides, I will
make love to somebody
when it is making love.

Not the way you do it,
like you're out for revenge
or something.

Are you finished now?

Yes.

Can I say something?

Yes.

I'm sorry.

Ultimately,
it's their differences

which make them an ideal fit.

This is a pattern
we see repeatedly.

Sometimes, it's mundane.

InStranger Than Fiction,

an uptight IRS man
falls in love

with the rebellious,
tattooed pastry chef,

he's supposed to be auditing.

Mr. Crick.

Yes, what is it?

You're staring at my tits.

Uh, I what?
I don't think I was.

I don't think I would do that.

If I was, I can assure you,

it was only as a representative
of the United States government.

But sometimes,
it's more metaphorical.

InSplash, a man
afraid of the sea...

Then you wouldn't
want me to do this.

Stop! God, no. Please.

Falls in love
with a mermaid.

This way of seeing
romantic connection
is incredibly satisfying,

and emotionally overwhelming.

In fact, so powerful is
this way of portraying lovers

as two opposites attracting
to complete each other,

that it's existed since
at least the 17th century.

Shakespeare used it
inMuch Ado About Nothing.

I wonder that you will still
be talking, SignorBenedick.

-Nobody marks you.
-What?

My dear Lady Disdain!

Are you yet living?

Is it possible disdain
should die

while she hath such meet food
to feed it as SignorBenedick?

I do love nothing in the world
so well as you.

Is not that strange?

As strange as the thing
I know not.

It were as possible
for me to say

I love nothing so well as you.

We also see this
in Jane Austen's
Pride and Prejudice,

where the relaxed
and unconventional
Elizabeth Bennet

is the perfect match
for the highly reserved
Mr. Darcy.

I wonder who first discovered
the power of poetry

-in driving away love.

I thought that poetry
was the food of love.

Of a fine stout love, it may.

But if it is only
a vague inclination,

I'm convinced one poor sonnet
will kill it stone dead.

So, what do you recommend
to encourage affection?

Dancing.

Even if one's partner
is barely tolerable.

His anguished
declaration of love
is so successful

in eliciting an emotional
response in audiences,

that it's become a trope,

used over and over again
in romantic comedies.

I've fought against
my better judgement,

my family's expectation,

the inferiority of your birth,
my rank and circumstance...

All these things that I am
willing to put them aside

and ask you to end my agony.

-I don't understand.
-I love you.

Most ardently.

Please do me the honor
of accepting my hand.

It's always one
of the most human

and relatable moments
in the films.

People convey those
kinds of thoughts piecemeal

over the course
of a relationship.

I don't mind
the cinematic license

of presenting them
in aggregate.

You become more wordy
in moments of crisis.

Of course,
I've performed speeches
of love for guys,

I'm an actress. Everything
is a movie to me.

Someone has formed
a declaration of love for me,

but they didn't say
any of the things

that I needed them to say.

It was awful.

I've done them in airports, in a supermarket.

Like, you just say it
to each other in
a mundane setting.

You can hear yourself.
And it's like, "Wow.

"If anybody else hears me
right now, can they actually
just kill me?"

Because I would wanna
kill myself.

He said stuff like, "If we had met on a dating app,

"we would have matched."

And that we had
sparkling banter.

They must have been,
"Yo, like she's insane."

They must've done!

They must have just been like, "Why does she think

"that she's in
a Disney film right now?"

They must have done!

Do you wanna know the real
reason why I came here tonight?

I closed my world off.

I put myself in a little box.

It was all my fault. I mean...

I'm the bastard here.

I'm immature, I'm unthoughtful,
I'm a friggin' idiot.

I'm a liar and a phoney.
A saxophone player.

But something's happened to me
since I've...

Met you and...

I'm happiest
when I'm being myself.

And I'm myself
when I'm with you.

So...

I thought that I would come here
and tell you something.

I like you.

I like you.

I want you.

I love you.

I love you.

I'm totally, completely
in love with you,

and I don't care
if you think it's too late,

I'm telling you anyway.

I'm crazy about you.
I think about you all the time.

And I want to spend the rest
of my life with you.

'Cause like you said,
"This is it."

"This is life."

I came here tonight
because when you realize

you want to spend the rest
of your life with somebody,

you want the rest of your life
to start as soon as possible.

And don't forget,

I'm also just a girl

standing in front of a boy,

asking him to love her.

Something about her

You see her clearly

You knew is shifting

It shows

This woman's in love

This woman's in love

You found her

She's in love

Recently,
I've noticed a spate of films

that, while not marked
as romantic comedies,

will exploit, enlist,
or twist the structures
and tropes of the rom-com

to their own ends.

They employ many of
the same time-honored tricks

as the traditional rom-com,

and fall into some
of the same traps.

I need a taxi. I got to get
to the airport right now.

I gotta stop someone
from getting married.

Flight leaves in... Oh.

I got like four hours.

The Break-Up
attempts to subvert
the rom-com narrative

by, as the title might suggest,

refusing to give
its protagonists
a happy ending.

You think that I nag you?

That's all you do!

All you do is nag me.

"The bathroom's a mess.

"Your belt doesn't match.

"Hey, Gary, you should
probably go work out."

Nothing I ever do
is ever good enough.

I just want to be left
the hell alone!

-Is that what you want?
-Yeah.

-That's what you want?
-Yeah.

Fine. Great. Do whatever
the hell you want.

You leave your socks
all over this house.

Dress like a pig.

Play your stupid ass video game,
I don't care. I'm done.

-What?
-I am done.

I don't deserve this.
I really do not deserve this.

I deserve somebody
who gives a shit.

I'm not spending
one more second of this life

with some inconsiderate prick.

You're a prick!

A far more
interesting twist

comes from 2012'sRuby Sparks,

written by Zoe Kazan.

This rom-com plays
with the genre's conventions.

and directly confronts
the insidious
"cool girl" trope

and the power of
the male writers
who indulge it.

A novelist describes
his ideal woman
in his new book

and is stunned when
one day she appears
in his house.

I missed you in bed last night.

Did you get some
good writing done?

He falls
in love with her.

And resolves not to write
about her again,

as he wants her
to be her own person.

However, when she begins
to seek a life outside
their relationship,

he feels insecure.

-I'm so lonely.
-No.

Don't say that. Please.

I think I should start
spending some nights
at my apartment again.

He starts
writing about her again,

so he can control
her behavior.

First, he makes her
completely obsessed with him.

and crushes her desire
for independence.

Then he makes her
unrelentingly happy.

Eventually, we are
shown how disturbing it is

to have a female character whose every thought and action

is driven solely
by the male creator.

If this is how
you think about people,

then you are in for a long,
lonely, fucked-up life.

Do you hear me?

Calvin.

Less radical
than Kazan's offering
isI Love You, Man,

a film which is a rom-com
in every aspect but one.

Our soulmates are platonic
friends instead of lovers.

Sydney, I'm really sorry
for all the stuff that I said.

Pete, you called me
on a lot of my issues.

I appreciate it.

I'm really glad
you're here, Sydney.

Me, too.

I love you, man.

I love you too, bud.

-I love you, dude.
-I love you, Bro Montana.

I love you, homes.

I love you, Broseph Goebbels.

-I love you, muchacha.
-I love you, Tycho Brohe.

Okay.

In 2013,The Heat
did something similar.

It's a rom-com dressed up
as a buddy movie.

This time between
two female cops.

The uptight loner Ashburn,
played by Sandra Bullock,

and Melissa McCarthy's
loose cannon, Mullins.

-Ashburn.
-Hey, it's me.

Hey.

So, uh, did you get
that package I sent over?

Oh, God, I haven't even
opened it yet. I'm sorry.

I signed it. On the front.

Okay, I see it.
That's very funny.

I know.
I'm just kidding.

Just look at the...
Look at the back.

Well...

Don't make it weird.

Later, nerd.

Takes a nerd to know a nerd.

The success
of these bromances

and womances,

proves that the power
of the rom-com

is strong enough to survive
being transplanted

into buddy movies.

Yes!

Other film-makers
employ the same structure

as traditional rom-coms,
but disguise it.

There's a number of reasons
they might want to do this.

Foremost among them,

the sad fact that
marketing a film
as a romantic comedy

is a quick route
to critical disdain.

Perhaps, because
so many of the people

who are reviewing
these films are men.

A film-maker hoping to be
awarded accolades and acclaim

would do better if they presented their romantic comedy

as something else.

David O. Russell used
some romantic comedy tropes

inSilver Linings Playbook.

The screwball dialogue.

So how's your thing going?
The dancing thing?

It's good. How's your
restraining order?

The declaration of love.

I love you.

I knew it
the minute I met you.

I'm sorry it took so long
for me to catch up.

I just got stuck.

And the happy ending.

But the film avoided the cloud of critical distain

that surrounds the genre

because it's tonally
much darker

than the romantic comedies
I grew up watching.

Instead of being clumsy,

its characters dealt
with real problems

like suicide and depression.

Silver Linings Playbook
was billed as a comedy drama,

not a romantic comedy,

and was Oscar-nominated
across the board.

Other secret rom-coms
might be even more
critically acclaimed.

2016'sLa La Land employs all the beats of a romantic comedy.

But likeThe Break-Up,
it skips the happy ending.

It's important to note
that although these films use

the structure of romantic
comedies to great effect,

eliciting powerful emotions,

they yet again only show us
straight, white,
middle-class relationships.

Earlier, I said that there was a lack of romantic comedies

with people of color
as the leads,

or mixed-race couples,

or queer relationships.

But this isn't strictly true.

Many examples
of those films do exist.

It's just that as
a white, straight woman

who is heavily catered
for by mainstream
romantic comedies,

I never went looking for them.

And because of that,
I missed out on this moment

from 2001's
Kissing Jessica Stein.

I didn't see a blond Zack Braff

and Justin Theroux
in the queer rom-com,

The Broken Hearts Club.

Or the sweet perfection
of 2010'sJust Wright.

I'd never seen Stella
getting her groove back.

And I'd also never watched
Alice Wu'sSaving Face

about a Chinese-American
surgeon

who falls madly in love
with a ballet dancer.

Despite not being represented

in terms of race or sexuality
by these films,

I love them just as much as I love
While You Were Sleeping,

orWhen Harry Met Sally.

Because romantic comedies
aren't about race
or gender or sexuality,

they're about human connection.

I realize now why I'm obsessed with romantic comedies,

it's so simple.

They show people
falling in love

and when anyone watches
any two people fall in love,

we see nothing
but their humanity.

My favorite film
of recent times

is 2017's critically-lauded
God's Own Country.

The love story is structurally a romantic comedy,

but instead of watching a straight middle-class couple

falling over each other
in a New York office,

we have a struggling
Yorkshire farmer

falling for a Romanian
migrant worker.

They call you Georgie
or summat?

-Gheorghe.
-Whatever. Get in.

It's got all the beats
of a Nora Ephron classic.

Two young people meet

and find themselves clashing
over their differences.

I'm from Romania.

Gypsy.

Please don't call me that.

However, they're forced
to share experiences

and in doing so,
they're drawn together.

Fuck.

If you leave it, it will
get infected with disease.

Eventually, they realized
they complete each other.

I was thinking.

I can stay a little longer.

After circumstances
force them apart,

there's no option
but to make an anguished
declaration of love.

I'm trying to do this.

Don't you see, I'm...

I'm trying to sort it out.

And I've come
all this way up here,

on a coach and everything.

And I want you to come back...

With me.

And I want us to be together.

I don't want to be
a fuck-up anymore.

No, leave me. I'm fine.

I want to be with you,

and that's what I needed to say.

And the rom-com
closes in the traditional way

giving the audience the ultimate satisfying ending,

a kiss between the two lovers.

God's Own country isn't
considered a romantic comedy,

which, while understandable,
is perhaps a shame

because it left me with
all of the uplifting feelings
of elation and romance

that I get from re-watching
Sleepless in Seattle

for the 35th time.

Another film I loved
from the same year
asGod's Own Country

isThe Big Sick,

which is based on
a real-life relationship

between writers Emily V. Gordon and Kumail Nanjiani.

What were you
like in high school?

They called me chashmullee.

What is that?

It roughly translates
to "dweeb."

I'll show you a picture.

Of you in high school?
Oh, my God.

-Boom.
-No.

And I'm thinking,
"I'm killing it right now."

What inspired this haircut?

Hugh Grant.

-No.
-Yeah.

The film was
critically acclaimed,

Oscar-nominated,

and most importantly,
a romantic comedy

that sticked
to the traditional formula.

But unlike the films
that I grew up watching,

its characters are complex
and fleshed out.

I was going to tell you
about that.

These are women in Pakistan
who wanna marry you?

They're not in Pakistan.

You've met these women?

Just with my parents and stuff,
we haven't like...

But you're not serious
about this, are you?

It's my mom's thing,
I just go along with it.

So what does your mom think
about you and me then?

She doesn't know
about me, does she?

No.

They're not from
high-income backgrounds.

So are you ever gonna
let me sit in the front seat?

No, I'm a professional,
and you're paying for this ride.

I don't wanna pay for this ride,
it's surging right now.

And they deal
with real problems.

In the future, I hope
film-makers will continue

to use the power of rom-coms

to put different types
of relationships

in front of the camera.

I hope studios will realize

that there's a hunger
for these films.

And that they'll reach
a mainstream
Hollywood audience.

Because love
doesn't only happen

to white, straight,
middle-class people.

And it doesn't have
to end with a wedding.

And it doesn't always
last forever.

Are you breaking up with me?

But it is
wonderful to watch.

Any fireworks

At first sight

Waiting for me

It wouldn't bother

All the time

This would work

Walked away now

We'll be next year

To make plans

Yeah, I'm honest

When I wake up

The love of my life

The love of my life

The love of my life

The love of my life

The love of my life

I'd only get one shot

Had one plot

To treasure what you've got

And it was never enough

And then then it stops

In a little box

The love of my life

The love of my life

The love of my life

The love of my life