Original subtitles

- [Woman] You sprinkle on a cup of chopped walnuts,

put them in a hot oven, and just sit back and wait.

(clunking)

- [Man] Evaluation negative, discard.

- What was that?

- Well that was my intercerebral information evaluator.

- Huh?

- The human brain is capable of retaining approximately

300 million individual images.

We Martians of course have a much greater capacity,

but even so it is not limitless.

Periodically therefore we use our intercerebral

information evaluator to discard useless knowledge.

Lorelei's fudge brownies recipe, for example.

(audience laughs)

- Hey, how about that?

Holy smoke, if I ever get in to work on time again,

my editor is going to remember to fire me.

Would you care to join me for breakfast?

- Oh you go ahead, Tim.

I can't clear my head on a full stomach.

(audience laughs)

(pleasant music)

- [Woman] Martin, detective Brennan

was asking me the other day where you were born

and where you went to school.

(clunking)

- [Man] Evaluation indeterminate.

Retain for corollary information.

- [Woman] Martin I think detective Brennan

is beginning to like you.

He spent the whole evening just talking about you

and asking questions.

(clunking)

- [Man] Evaluation indeterminate,

retain for corollary information.

(audience laughs)

- [Woman] Detective Brennan?

Oh he's out of town, Martin.

He said he had to check up on a very suspicious character.

(clunking)

- [Man] Evaluation you're in big trouble.

(audience laughs)

(eerie music)

(beeping)

(upbeat music)

(pleasant music)

- Oh Uncle Martin, don't forget to pick me up tonight.

Imogene Garson can take me to work,

but I told her you'd pick me up.

Uncle Martin?

(eerie music)

What's so interesting about Mrs. Brown's house?

- Detective Brennan, he's closing in.

- Closing in?

- He has documentary proof that one Martin O'Hara

does not now nor ever did in fact exist.

- Do you mean that he is investigating you?

- Mr. Brennan is one of those unfortunate

individuals who cannot believe his own eyes.

He must have it in writing.

Fortunately I had the foresight to bring

a benevolence bulb with me from Mars.

(audience laughs)

- What kind of bulb?

- Benevolence.

It permeates us Martians with a like me glow.

- Now wait a minute, do you mean

that that little gadget is gonna make Brennan like you?

- Mhmm, it made George Washington like Benedict Arnold.

Temporarily.

(audience laughs)

Turn it on.

Okay, turn it off.

(knocking)

Brennan.

Yes Mr. Brennan?

Did you wish to see me?

- O'Hara for some time now I've been

collecting documentary evidence that you...

That you are indubitably one of the

noblest gentlemen that ever walked the Earth.

(audience laughs)

O'Hara I like you.

- Well, thank you Mr. Brennan.

- Bill, all my friends call me Bill.

- I shall deem it a privilege.

Bill.

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

Tim I wouldn't do that if I were you.

- Look old friend, Lorelei has just

put on a fresh pot of coffee.

I insist that we go downstairs and drink

to our everlasting friendship.

(knocking)

- Just a minute.

(knocking)

Hi Mrs. Brown.

- Oh Tim, why didn't you come down with...

(audience laughs)

- All I said was good morning and she slapped me.

- I told you not to fool around with the benevolence bulb.

- Well it didn't make Mrs. Brown very benevolent.

- Well that's what I was trying to tell you.

Because of systemic differences,

the bulb has a completely opposite effect on Earthlings.

Instead of a like me glow, it permeates you

with a hate me glow.

- A hate me glow?

- Exactly, until and unless I can find the florenzium

and restore you to normal, everyone

is going to loathe you on sight.

- Ah now come on Uncle Martin, with my personality?

Even automation couldn't do that.

- Mrs. Brown seems to have resisted

that bounty personality of yours.

(audience laughs)

(pleasant music)

(horn honks)

- Imogene's here, I'm off to the office.

See you later.

- Tim, Tim wait a minute...

- Imogene as always you look lovely this morning.

(engine revs)

(audience laughs)

Imogene?

Boy you weren't kidding about that hate me glow.

I just went down to meet Imogene,

I was down at the car.

Well as soon as I walked up--

(audience laughs)

You wouldn't dare.

- Don't be alarmed Tim, this isn't for you.

I'll need it to dig out the florenzium.

- Oh, well I just don't understand it.

I mean I don't look any different.

I'm still handsome, lovable.

(glass tinkles)

(audience laughs)

- Any question?

- You don't hate me, do you?

You still like me, don't ya?

- I'm forcing myself.

(audience laughs)

- Uncle Martin how long,

how long is it gonna take for this thing

to wear off, this hate me glow?

- Well I don't know.

Florenzium hasn't been discovered on Earth yet,

but when I was landing on your planet

my mineral detector indicated a deposit

not too far from here in the desert.

If I'm lucky, I can find it in a few hours.

If not it may take several days.

- But isn't there something you can give me

temporarily like a, like an aspirin?

- No, the only similarity between a headache

and the hate me glow is that they both wear off eventually.

- How eventually?

- In a rough estimate I would say 100 to 110 years.

(audience laughs)

- I can hardly wait.

- Precisely, on a Martian the effects

of the benevolence bulb dissipate within a few hours,

but of course you Earthlings lack our great stamina,

supreme intellect, and strength of character.

- Not to mention your extreme modesty.

(audience laughs)

- I might warn you that even I am not completely

unaffected by your hate me glow.

I could learn to dislike you with only a minimum effort.

(audience laughs)

- Uncle Martin!

Today is the interview!

- What interview?

- I told you, the young executive training program!

Look, the Sun is diversifying.

They're taking young men out of the organization

and training them as executives.

Mr. Phelps is going to interview me himself.

- Tim, if that publisher sees you in this condition

you'll be fortunate if he only demotes you

to junior assistant pencil sharpener.

(audience laughs)

- Uncle Martin this interview means my whole career!

- Tim if I don't get that florenzium,

your whole career will consist of standing in bread lines.

Now stay away from Mr. Phelps or I assure you,

you will be unemployed.

- Yeah, but Uncle Martin you...

Why did I ever have to get involved with a Martian?

If I say one thing, if I ever run across

a Martian again, I'm gonna keep right on running

and I'm not gonna get involved.

(phone rings)

- Morning, Mr. Phelps office.

- Ah, hello Debbie.

This is Tim.

- Well Tim it's good to hear your voice.

So you're sick huh?

Nothing trivial I hope.

- Oh no, not on the phone too.

Now Debbie, don't believe what you're thinking.

- Good morning Mr. Phelps.

- Good morning Ms. Tylis.

- That goldbrick O'Hara from the newsroom's

trying to weasel out of his appointment.

- Debbie what are you saying?

Listen, don't listen to her Mr. Phelps.

Debbie will you put Mr. Phelps on the phone, no no no

don't put him on the phone.

- Mr. Phelps wishes me to inform you he'll call

at your home this evening for your interview.

He's as much interested in the private lives

of his applicants in sickness as he is in health.

- What?

Now listen Debbie, listen Debbie

you don't know what you're saying.

I'm telling you one thing right now,

don't let Mr. Phelps come over here,

and Debbie don't hang up.

Debbie don't, Debbie.

Debbie?

Oh.

Information.

Do you have a listing

for the Foreign Legion?

(audience laughs)

Well that's not very nice!

(pleasant music)

(barking)

Nice doggy.

Nice doggy.

(audience laughs)

Oh now now come on, come on.

Let me go by will ya?

(barking)

Look, my boss is coming over here

and if he sees me, I'm going to get fired.

He-- (dog barks)

Well you don't want me to get fired do ya?

(barking)

Look, I'll tell you what I'll do.

If you let me go by, I'll get you a bone

or something really nice to chew on.

(growling)

Didn't mean me!

(audience laughs)

(barking)

(banging)

(growling)

- Well hello you sweet thing.

Oh my aren't you the friendly one?

(pleasant music)

(audience laughs)

(knocking)

What is the meaning of this?

- Well Mrs. Brown, it was just an idea

to keep my boss from coming inside.

I'm afraid if he sees me, he'll fire me.

- Well I should certainly think he would!

I'm gonna put this down on the lawn

where more people can see it.

- But I don't mean it.

- Well I do, that's the first decent idea

you've had since you moved in here.

I shall expect you to vacate the premises within 24 hours.

- Uncle Martin.

Wherever you are will you please come home

before you haven't got a home to come home to?

(audience laughs)

(growling)

(audience laughs)

(sighs)

Hello, city pound?

I would, I'd like to report a vicious dog downstairs.

He won't let me out of my house.

(audience laughs)

I did not kick him.

(audience laughs)

Well I don't care what I sound like,

I've never kicked a dog in my life!

Investigate me for what?

Cruelty to animals!

(audience laughs)

But I didn't, well I know there are laws.

Now listen to me I...

Hello?

(audience laughs)

(whistling)

Mm.

(barking)

(audience laughs)

- [Martin] What are you doing?

- What am I doing?

I'm trying to get that little dog

from the front to the back

so that I can go out the, Uncle Martin!

Uncle Martin you're home!

- [Martin] No I'm not.

I'm out in the desert about five miles east of Palmdale.

(audience laughs)

- Oh now look what you've done.

- [Martin] It wouldn't have worked anyway.

- What do you mean it wouldn't have worked?

It was working fine until you...

Palmdale?

- [Martin] I am coming to you through

the forces of mental telepathy audio.

On Mars we abbreviate it to MTA.

It's merely another manifestation

of our superior Martian intellect.

- Really?

Well, it was that same superior Martian intellect

that got me into this in the first place.

(audience laughs)

Do you mind reversing it and getting me out of it?

- [Martin] I'm doing the best I can,

but it isn't easy trying to locate

this florenzium for you with Brennan breathing down my neck.

- Brennan?

- [Martin] When he saw me leaving,

he couldn't bear for us to part.

He insisted on tagging along.

- [Brennan] Martin, Martin old friend, where are you?

- [Martin] He's looking for me.

I'll have to hang up.

- Oh really?

What do you suggest I do about Mr. Phelps?

- [Martin] Phelps?

- Yeah, he...

(growling)

He happens to be coming over here to interview me.

- [Martin] Saturn's sainted rings, Tim.

How did you manage that?

(audience laughs)

Tim?

Tim are you there?

Did we lose the connection?

- No, no.

We lost a $50 fishing rod.

- [Martin] That isn't important now.

The important thing is to make you over

into someone other than Tim O'Hara.

- Well it may not be important to you,

but $50 is important to me.

After all, I work for a living and...

We have to do what?

- [Martin] For the time being, no one

can stand the sight of you including Mr. Phelps.

Ergo in order to protect our livelihood

you'll have to disguise yourself as someone else.

- Really?

Any suggestions?

(audience laughs)

(glass tinkles)

(audience laughs)

- Mm, I keep forgetting.

That's the third mirror today.

(audience laughs)

(knocking)

Oh coming Mr. Phelps.

(knocking)

Yeah, yeah, I mean yes yes.

- Oh are you Tim's uncle Martin?

- Uncle Martin?

Oh no no, I'm not my uncle.

I mean Tim's uncle, no no.

I am in no way related to that handsome, young,

charming, sophisticated, would you give me that back?

I'm supposed to be somebody else.

- All right handsome, young, despicable Tim O'Hara.

Who are you hiding from?

What detestable thing have you done?

- I haven't done anything, I'm trying

to keep from getting fired!

- I just simply don't understand it.

All day long I couldn't wait to see you to apologize,

and now that I see you, yuck!

- All right, I forgive you Imogene.

Now give back my mustache and get

out of here before Phelps gets here.

- You let go of me you beast.

- You are looking at a desperate man.

(growling, barking)

Oh Mrs. Brown, would you please get that dog out of here?

(growling)

No, no, nice dog.

Nice, nice doggy, nice doggy.

Mrs. Brown, nice nice puppy,

would you please let go?

(barking)

Mrs. Brown, will you please call off this hound?

- Stop that Tim, you're liable to hurt him.

(audience laughs)

- Good idea.

(knocking)

- Oh, good day sir.

If you're looking for Mr. Tim O'Hara

why don't you come back another day, sir?

Believe me, he's not feeling well.

- Your mustache O'Hara, is indicative of the diligence

with which you applied yourself to your former employment.

- Now Mr. Phelps I'd like to explain

about this, former employment?

- Yes you called in to cancel an extremely

important interview with me and now I see you're preparing

to go out to a masquerade.

Will you stand still when I'm talking to you?

- Yes sir.

(growling)

- O'Hara, if I didn't dislike you so intensely

I'd try to be fair with you, but...

What is this? - It's a dog.

- What?

- Well you see he's terribly fond of me.

He follows me everywhere I go.

- You know I'm strongly tempted to hire you back again.

- Oh?

- Just so I can have the pleasure of re-firing you.

- Sir?

Would you mind opening that door?

I don't want to get near that, that--

- Careful.

- [Imogene] In fact I don't want to stay

in the same room with him any longer

than is absolutely necessary.

- Neither do I.

You better let go of him, doggy.

He may not have had his distemper shots.

- Oh Mrs...

(audience laughs)

- O'Hara, you really are a cur, sir.

(dog barks)

No offense.

(audience laughs)

(knob rattling)

Will you kindly unlock that door?

- Mr. Phelps, I wish you'd reconsider--

- Open that door!

(audience laughs)

- Uncle Martin?

- Ah, shame on you Tim!

Trying to blame your Uncle Martin for breaking the door

when he isn't even here!

- Oh he isn't huh?

- Oh you're absolutely obnoxious.

- [Mr. Phelps] I'll open the door.

- It's my door, Mr. Phelps.

I am perfectly capable of opening it.

- If I'm not out of here in five minutes, I,

I'm going to call the police.

- Psst, Uncle Martin?

Oh come on, I know you're around somewhere.

Uncle Martin?

Hey-- - Ow.

- Oh Uncle Martin, welcome home!

- Hold it.

- What's that?

- Shh, florenzium.

- Flor, oh oh oh!

(audience laughs)

Huh huh huh?

(dog whining)

It worked, it worked!

I'm lovable again!

- I hope you've learned a lesson,

not to touch things that don't belong to you.

- Oh believe me, listen I've learned more than that.

From now on, no more artificial aids.

From here on in, people are just gonna

have to like me for myself.

- [Mr. Phelps] Well there's only one thing

to do, break the door down, stand back.

- You do and you'll pay for it.

- Madam may I remind you, time is money.

- Ooh well I'm going to call the police.

- [Lorelei] Well I wish you would.

(pleasant music)

(giggles)

- Oh that's all right, I won't bite.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, oh let me get that for you.

- Oh Tim.

Oh you're such a dear, sweet boy.

I'm going downstairs to bake a batch

of fudge brownies just for you!

(audience laughs)

- [Tim] Thanks Mrs. Brown.

- I don't understand this at all, O'Hara.

Somehow you just don't strike me

as being executive material,

but then again neither are you as contemptuous

or despicable as I was thinking.

You'd better stay in your present position as a reporter,

for the time being at least.

(audience laughs)

O'Hara.

- Yes sir, thank you sir.

- Yes, well.

Good day.

- Yes it is.

- Excuse me.

Hello Tim.

Hello.

Is my old friend Martin here?

- Hello Bill.

- Bill?

Bill?

I think I resent your familiarity, O'Hara.

Hereafter I should appreciate you

addressing me by my last name, Mr. Brennan sir.

(growling)

(audience laughs)

- I say, what did you say to the dog?

- Nothing, I merely implied that Mr. Brennan, sir,

was a sausage.

(audience laughs)

- Well don't wait up for me tonight, Uncle Martin.

I may not decide to forgive Imogene

until about two or three o'clock.

You're not gonna use that benevolence bulb again.

- Mhmm.

But not on myself, Tim.

I contemplate forestalling Mr. Brennan's further attempts

to prove that I do not exist.

- You're gonna use that on him?

- Uh-huh.

- But, but that'll give him a hate me glow

like it did to me.

- Do tell.

(audience laughs)

(upbeat music)