Original subtitles

(jaunty music)

- Thank you, Mr. Chairman, for your flattering introduction.

And thank you, fellow members, for your warm welcome

and your not so warm chicken croquettes.

(laughter)

I'll be sure to pause here and take a casual sip of water.

- If you are planning on getting a laugh at that point

you are liable to get waterlogged.

- It's not intended to be what you Earth people call

a yuk or a boffola.

The members of the Martian Anthropological Society

have a much more subtle sense of humor.

- Oh, the Martian Anthropological.

Uncle Martin, you found a way to get back home?

- No, but Omar M. Keck has found one for me.

- Keck?

- [Martin] Mmm hmm.

- The bacon and knockwurst king?

- [Martin] Yes.

- What's he got to do with it?

- Tim, don't you ever read the front page of your own paper?

- Well you know how I am, Uncle Martin.

Once I get passed the sporting page and the comics,

well I get intellectually fatigued.

(laughter)

- [Martin] Well you don't mind listening, do you?

- No.

- All right.

Omar M. Keck, founder of the Keck Foundation,

announced here today the completion of a spacecraft

capable of landing on Mars,

the first privately-financed project of its kind.

The astronaut will be chosen tomorrow

from an elite group now in training.

- Oh, well that's nice.

You're not planning on being the astronaut?

- Well now can you think of a better representative

from Earth to Mars than a Martian?

After all, who can explain your people better up there

than I can?

- Well granted but aren't you overlooking one small point?

- [Martin] What's that?

- Well, generally speaking, astronauts are somewhere between

the ages of their 20s and their 30s,

and you are just a teeny weeny bit older.

- Thank you for putting it so delicately.

Well then.

There go my hopes of getting back home.

My home.

The best laid plans of mice and Martians, gang aft agley.

- Well now let's not start agleying yet.

You know I don't know that there's any law

that says an astronaut has to be a certain age.

- Thanks for trying to cheer me up, but it's no use.

Although it would have been to their advantage

to have a mature, steady hand at the controls

instead of a youngster who might just push the panic button.

- Yeah it's too bad somebody can't tell Keck.

- Well I can't.

I can't get in to see him.

- Well wait a minute.

Why can't I tell him?

- You tell him?

(Martin scoffs)

- I'm a reporter, I can get in to see anybody.

- Tim, if only you would.

- It's as good as done.

I'll call the Foundation and I will make an appointment.

(jaunty music)

- Don't bother, I've already made an appointment for you.

Mr. Keck will see you at nine o'clock tomorrow morning.

(jaunty music)

(soft music)

(electronic beeping)

(upbeat music)

(instrumental music)

(man imitating monkey)

- You Earth man, me Martian.

You give peanuts.

Me take you to my leader.

My goodness that looks complicated.

Must take a combination of Buck Rogers and Einstein

to operate it.

- Oh indeed it does.

In fact this entire book

is just landing procedures, entirely.

The boys have been working for two months

and they mastered it yet.

then all these indicators light up, you see,

and then these master lights show a perfect score.

Unfortunately that hasn't happened yet.

- Well I know it sounds ridiculous but do you mind if I try?

(instrumental music)

(laughter)

- That's unbelievable.

You came through that entire sequence perfectly

and in less than five seconds.

- Well I would have done it faster

except I've got a hangnail on my thumb.

- Uncle Martin, this is Mr. Keck.

- Oh.

I don't often meet millionaires.

Is a deep salaam or a simple curtsy in order?

- Well let's just settle for a howdy and a handshake.

- Well howdy.

(Omar chuckling)

Thank you for the opportunity

of allowing me to apply for the job.

- You know I'm sure you're just goofing

about becoming an astronaut.

And I'll tell you what, we've got an opening at the plant

for a sausage stuffer.

- Thanks again,

but a sausage casing is not the opening I came here to fill.

Excuse me.

- Mr. Keck, that man mastered that control panel in seconds.

I never saw anybody like him before.

- Yes, and if he gets to Mars you won't again either.

- Well now wait a minute, not so fast.

Just because a man's got a head stuffed full of brains,

that don't make him an astronaut.

Frankly, Tim, your uncle looks a wee might scrawny to me.

How are the other boys doing?

- Well fine.

Come on, come on.

- Hiya, Mr. Keck!

- [Omar] Oh howdy, Baker.

- This one's gonna separate the men from the boys.

(suspenseful music)

- You're in great shape, Baker.

- [Baker] Thank you.

- Well that looks like fun, do you mind if I try it?

- Are you kidding, pops?

You're liable to snap your garters.

(laughter)

- Oh Baker, this is Tim O'Hara, the Los Angeles Sun.

- Hi there. - Hi there.

(triumphant music)

- Mr. Keck!

(jaunty music)

- I know I saw it but I can't believe it!

Why he's not human!

- My goodness, he's out of this world.

- You can say that again.

- He's out of this world.

(laughter)

- Excuse me.

(jaunty music)

- Pretty good.

- Thank you.

May I?

- Mr. O'Hara, I'm really man of few words.

How would you like to go to Mars?

- I'm a man of fewer words.

The answer is yes.

- You mean it, do you really mean it?

- Yes, I really mean it.

(instrumental music)

(Tim chuckling)

- This is gonna cover the whole front page.

- Ah, don't forget your byline.

- Oh I haven't forgotten anything,

starting with the fact that you were chosen as the astronaut

and that you visited the capsule today at Burbank

and that you had lunch with Mr. Keck.

- That reminds me.

Tim, you didn't have to go so far as to pick up the check.

- Well I didn't want him to think he was dealing with pikers

and besides, you noticed that he didn't struggle very much.

- Yes, I've noticed that about you people.

The only time you don't mind coming in second

is when it comes to picking up the tab.

(laughter)

- Boy this is really great copy.

Burns is just going the love me for this.

- Well from what you tell me about him

even if he doesn't hate you quite as much

that will be a triumph.

- Oh with this scoop

I'll have him eating right out of my hand.

As a matter of fact with the bonus I get

I am going to buy a stereo tape system for my car,

you know, the one I've always dreamed about.

- Mmm hmm.

Tim, bonuses are like chickens.

Don't count them before they're hatched.

- Oh it's in the bag.

Why old stone-faced Burns, he couldn't.

(laughter)

(Tim stammering)

- Well?

- Just talking about Charlie Burns, the butcher.

Well feast your eyes on this journalistic gem, Mr. Burns.

(Tim chuckling)

Well what do you have about that?

- The only thing I can say.

- Well.

- O'Hara?

- Yes?

- You are without a doubt the most incompetent, blundering,

inept reporter it has ever been my misfortune

to be associated with.

- What?

- While you were out wining and dining

we were scooped by every other paper in town.

(instrumental music)

- Mr. Burns, it wasn't completely Tim's fault, you know,

what with the excitement--

- Mr. O'Hara, I congratulate you on being chosen

to go to Mars and I envy you.

- You do, why?

- Because you are able to put 200 million miles

between yourself and your nitwit nephew.

(laughter)

(instrumental music)

There you are.

(instrumental music)

- Hi, Martin.

- [Martin] Hi, Tim.

(Tim sighs)

- Uncle Martin, what are you doing

sitting and reading that magazine?

You have to go to Mars in a couple of days.

Now wouldn't you be boning up

on your takeoff and landing procedure?

- Tim, would you have to study a 200-page manual

on how to tie a shoelace?

- Oh.

Well you just found my one weakness.

That's why I wear loafers.

- How'd it go today?

- Burns is still giving me the treatment.

Do you know what he assigned to me for this afternoon?

The weekly meeting of the WLTBFS.

- What's that?

- That is the Westwood Ladies

Thanatopis and Bobbling Fancier Society.

- Unconstitutional.

Cruel and unusual punishment.

- Even for a bobbling.

- Tim, you know for the first time since I landed on Earth

I'm rather sorry that you're the one who had to find me.

Well what I mean is that I seem to have complicated things

for you a great deal.

- Oh no, of course you haven't, Uncle Martin.

I mean, well it's had its compensations.

- I hope you really mean that.

- Well of course I do.

Until I met you I knew nothing about baroque music,

pre-Columbian art, or that my Martian uncle

snores just as loud as the rest of us.

- Tim, would you say that again?

- Pre-Columbian art.

- No, no, that your Martian uncle snores.

You know, you've got a story that just might win

the Pulitzer Prize.

- I have?

- Why yes.

Who else can write a newspaper series entitled

My Uncle Was a Martian?

- Do you mean that I can tell everything?

- Well of course it can't be printed up until after I leave.

Premature exposure would be a little embarrassing.

- Oh, oh, oh what a going away present!

And all I got for you was a couple of neckties.

(laughter)

I don't know where to start.

There's so much to tell.

- Why don't you use your tape recorder?

The thoughts will pour out more spontaneously

and dramatically.

- That is a great idea.

Mr. Burns, this is Tim O'Hara, your star reporter speaking.

By the time you hear this tape

the latest missile on its way to Mars will have been shot.

(instrumental music)

You know, it's a funny thing.

You know everything that there is to know about philosophy

and anthropology.

All the ologies.

But you still can't make a decent cup of coffee.

(laughter)

Where do you think you're going?

- You know how I hate farewells so I thought I'd get a taxi

and go on down to the base alone.

- I sort of thought you'd try something like that.

And the answer is absolutely no.

I am taking you to the airbase

and there will be no arguments.

- Well I rather hoped that you would insist.

- Well I can drop off the tape recorder

at Mr. Burns's office on the way.

Do you realize that you're going to be in the headlines

twice today?

Once when you take off and again when Mr. Burns finds out

that you really were a Martian.

- Tim, there's no chance he'll hear that tape prematurely?

- No, no, no.

You'll be taking off at 5:30 and old stone face

doesn't even get into his office till six o'clock.

By that time you'll be thousands of miles away.

Which reminds me that.

(soft music)

I'll be ready in a jiffy.

(people speaking indistinctly)

- Mr. Keck?

- Hey!

What's going on here?

- Television.

The eyes of the country are on us.

- Television!

Well I didn't aim to keep this little old shoot a secret.

Do them red tape fellas good to see how an old cowhand

gets things done.

(laughter)

Well howdy, Tim.

You're on television.

Now tell me, Tim, you didn't leave that old bronco buster

in the corral, did ya?

- No, sir.

No, no, my Uncle Martin wouldn't miss a chance

to get back home.

- Back home?

- Yes.

Oh, he's been thinking so much about Mars lately

he just considers it his home away from home.

- Now that's what I call real dedication!

- [Professor] There he is now.

- Well do you think it does anything for me?

- Well lapels are still in fashion

and the pants could use a little tapering.

- Well there goes my chance to get in Princeton.

- Now Martin, you wouldn't mind saying a few words

on television, would ya?

- Oh I'd be delighted.

If I'd known you were going to do

I would have had some appropriate ad libs ready.

- Well you know I thought of that.

I knew you wouldn't have too much time

so I whipped a little something up myself.

- Oh well thank you, thank you very much.

(Martin clears throat)

Ladies and gentlemen I face this historic moment

with supreme confidence.

Until I return, may I leave you with these parting words.

Behold, have faith in.

Behold, have faith in the future

and eat Keck's squared meatballs,

the meatball with the corners that taste oh so good.

(laughter)

- Thanks a lot, Martin.

Thanks, boy, I'll give you another commercial later.

- One hour to blastoff.

Martin, you'd better get up to the capsule.

- Gentlemen, he who is about to fly salutes you.

- Good luck, Martin!

(people whistling)

- You made those meatballs sound so yummy I just can't wait

to run down to my neighborhood supermarket.

- Tim, I'm glad that taped account of my stay on Earth

is already on your editor's desk.

I'd hate to have this incident recorded in my biography.

- Happy landing, Uncle Martin.

- Yeah.

I'll see ya, Tim.

(jaunty music)

- [Tim] May I borrow those for one second.

- Sure. - Thank you.

Here.

(instrumental music)

(instrumental music)

- Crenshaw to astronaut.

O'Hara, do you read me?

- [Martin] I read you loud and clear.

- We're blasting off on full automatic,

so just sit back and relax.

- [Martin] Relaxing.

Bye, Tim.

And don't forget the laundry goes out on Tuesday.

- Yeah, Martin.

(laughter)

- Now this is it.

10, nine, eight.

- [Man] Professor, hold it!

- Yes, what is it?

- Extreme disturbance in upper atmosphere.

Visibility approaching zero.

May continue several hours.

- Mr. Keck, we can't blast off now.

We're going to have to delay the countdown.

- Here, give me that phone.

O'Hara?

- [Martin] Yes, Mr. Keck?

- We're socked in.

Don't get out of the capsule.

Just stay put.

- [Martin] Orders received and noted.

I'll catch up on my beauty sleep.

Over and out.

(laughter)

- Can you imagine a man taking a nap at a time like this?

Why that man ain't got a nerve in his whole body!

- Not a nerve.

- Holy Toledo.

The tape.

Mr. Burns!

(instrumental music)

- Now what took you so long?

If anyone plays that tape and finds out I'm a Martian--

- Yeah I know, I know, don't finish the sentence.

For the first time in my life I am ahead of you.

(soft music)

(laughter)

Mr. Burns, this is Tim O'Hara, your star reporter speaking.

By the time you hear this tape

the latest missile on its way to Mars will have been shot.

So if you're standing up, please sit down, relax,

close your eyes, because you are about to get

the surprise of your life.

Get set to hear the greatest story of the century.

(instrumental music)

- Go on, go on.

(laughter)

Sit down.

Close your eyes.

Relax, he says.

(Mr. Burns muttering)

O'Hara.

Hands on him!

- Yahoo, the Weather Bureau says go, go, go.

- Coordinator to astronaut.

- Well now wait a minute.

It's set to go off on automatic, ain't it?

Well then why bother a man

when he's trying to catch 40 winks?

He'll have plenty to do later.

- All right, men.

Here we go.

Countdown.

10, nine, eight, seven, six.

- Well we just made it. - Five, four.

- The fog's lifting, Uncle Martin, you'd better shake a leg.

- This is no time for half-measures.

I intend to shake both legs. - One.

(mechanical whirring)

(laughter)

(people cheering)

- Yes sir, if I had to come in second,

I'm glad good old Martin's taking the trip.

- I don't want to tell you.

When that old buckaroo lands on Mars,

we're gonna all be mighty proud that we knew him.

It can't be!

You're not here, you're up there!

- Believe me, I'm just as sorry as you are that I'm not.

- Even sorrier.

- Perfect takeoff.

- Without the astronaut!

- Of course it would have been nicer if the missile

had left with me, but as we all know success is relative.

As Aristotle once said--

- Oh hang Aristotle!

Why didn't you stay put?

- Well that capsule was rather confining

and my foot fell asleep

and well I didn't think there would be any harm

if I just stepped out for one minute.

- Yeah, that sounds like a reasonable explanation to me.

- Well nobody can say that Omar M. Keck

don't learn by his mistakes

and we're gonna put up another missile.

- Well if you'll arrange for a little more room

in the capsule I'll be quite comfortable.

- Yep, Omar M. sure learned something,

and the next time he picks an astronaut

it's gonna be a kid in knee pants!

- But Mr. Keck--

- And he may not know a lot about Aristotle

but he'll know enough to stay put when he's told!

Come on, boys.

(laughter)

- He can't talk to you like that, not while I'm around!

- Please, Tim, please!

Please restrain yourself!

- Well I'm gonna teach him a lesson.

I'll, I'll, I'll never by his knockwurst again.

(laughter)

- Thanks, Tim.

What's a trip to Mars compared to friendship like that?

(instrumental music)

(jaunty music)