Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

[dramatic music plays]

[co-pilot] Craig, pull up.

[Craig] Oh, sorry.

[tires screeching]

[tires screech]

Uh, welcome to Las Vegas

where the local time is two something and...

Whatever, we're here.

Hey, Craig, this isn't our gate.

Yeah. Well, I gotta go.

I'm meeting some people.

-Ooh. -Oh.

Uh...

[people exclaiming]

We know you have a lot of choices when flying

and, uh... yeah.

-[effort grunt] -Captain.

Excuse me. Pardon me.

In a hurry.

Sorry.

[softly] Where are they?

Where is this...

Oh, thank God.

Thanks for meeting me. I'm Craig Stevens.

We're the Mike Tyson Mystery Team.

Do you need help with your baggage?

No. I... I got it.

So, what's your mystery? You said it was urgent.

Yes, it's extremely urgent.

Look, obviously, I travel a lot,

and I'm away from my wife,

and it's been hard on our marriage.

Ah, so you...stewardesses?

What? No!

I love my wife.

Oh, that's nice.

You titty...stewardesses or...

No!

Recently I started sending, uh...

sexy texts to my wife,

you know, when I get to the hotel

or wherever I am, to, you know...

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Sexting.

Dick pics.

"This is what you're missing out on, honey." We get it.

Yeah. So last night I was in bed

masturbating and filming myself...

As one does.

And I thought I sent the video to my wife,

whose name is Nancy,

but instead I accidentally sent it to "Nana."

Nancy's mother. My mother-in-law.

Uh-oh.

Did... she reply?

Yes.

What'd she say?

[hesitantly] Here. I can't look at it again. You read it.

Okay. Here, here.

I'll read it.

Let me just, uh... you know what,

let me just scroll back and see what you sent.

Oh, oh. Well, here's the video.

Oh, oops. I'm sorry.

I clicked it, and, um, you know what,

I may as well just watch to see,

you know, there might be "clues"

to help with our "investigation"

of the... "mystery" and...

Mmm. Okay.

This looks like it's gonna be a...

hard mystery.

Mmm-hmm. A big...

hard...

thick mystery.

Gimme that.

[scoffs] Oh, my God.

Nana wrote, "Craig, I love your video.

"I love your penis.

"I want to ride your friendly skies."

Then she sent a video.

Gimme that.

Oh. Well, ha-ha, look at this.

Man, she's beating that thing like it owes her money.

So, what do I do?

I can't tell Nancy.

She'd be devastated.

And I don't want to embarrass

my mother-in-law.

Here.

[keypad clacking]

That should buy us some time

to come up with a plan.

"I like what I see.

"Stay tuned for more videos."

Why did you write that?

What? I thought you liked her.

Sorry, man,

I haven't really been paying attention.

I think I'm jet-lagged from that long flight.

Dad, we drove here.

-[cell phone chimes] -Oh, no. It's Nana again.

"I'm dripping with anticipation."

Ooh! What the hell am I gonna do?

Okay, you know what?

Let's go somewhere where I can drink.

My bad, I mean, where we can think.

You know, like a bar.

Here's your shot of tequila.

Whoo. Mmm.

Mercy!

Whoo! Okay.

Here's what you do.

You come clean.

You tell Nana that it was an accident,

that the video wasn't meant for her,

"It's over, let's put it behind us."

Excuse me? Excuse me.

Can I get one more? It's the "Blanco."

I don't think I can make that phone call.

Well, then just text her.

[dramatic music playing]

Wait, what am I writing?

[scoffs] Oh, my God.

Here. Okay, look. "This was a mistake.

"I'm not sexually attracted to you. It's over."

[phone chimes]

There, see.

Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

Ooh, you know what?

I'll have a lemon drop martini instead.

No, not instead, in addition.

And some wings.

Oh, you know what? ...it.

And some fries too.

You guys will have some fries, right?

[phone chimes]

Huh? What did Nana say?

Oh...

You texted my wife! You sent it to Nancy!

What? No.

I wrote N-A-N... Oh.

I see what happened.

Yeah, autocorrect's a bitch.

Here is the lemon drop martini,

and the tequila,

here're your wings,

and here are your fries.

Anything else?

[whispering] Some onion rings.

[Nancy] What?

[sobbing]

[exclaims in dismay]

No.

Craig, why?

-[dialing] -[sobbing]

Mom, it's Nancy.

Craig is leaving me!

He says he's not attracted to me anymore.

That's terrible, dear.

Why don't we talk later when you're more calm.

Yes, of course I'll tell your father.

Who was that?

It doesn't matter. I'm leaving you, Murray.

What?

I'm in love with someone and he's in love with me.

We send each other erotic videos

we make of ourselves masturbating.

Ooh! My heart!

[gasping]

[moans]

[effort grunt]

[groans]

[breathing heavily]

[groans]

[exhales]

[slow instrumental music plays]

[Nancy sobbing]

[cell phone vibrates]

[sobbing continues]

Nancy's not picking up.

You could text her.

I find texting is the clearest way to communicate.

No more texting.

Well, you should at least text Nana

and tell her it was a mistake,

and the video was for Nancy.

-Fine. [sighs] -[keypad clicking]

"The video was for Nancy."

[sighs wearily] What have I done?

This is your fault, Craig,

not mine.

[gun cocking]

And now you're gonna pay.

I gotta go home and talk to Nancy.

We'll go with you.

[Craig] Why?

Hmm. I don't know.

Um... So...

should we all put our cards in?

I mean... I didn't eat all the fries...

I bet Craig's bored with me.

I have to try harder.

I have to be sexier.

[moans]

Hmm.

[romantic music plays]

Okay.

Let's see if you'll be

sexually attracted to me now, Craig.

[cell phone camera clicking]

Ohhh!

[cell phone beeps]

It's a text from Nancy.

"Sorry I didn't pick up

"but hopefully these pics

"are worth a thousand words."

Oh! Thank God.

[sighs] Oh, it's all gonna be okay.

Oh, you wanna slow down, partner.

You know, I don't think we got to see all the pictures.

What?

You know, just to make sure

there aren't any additional angles to this mystery,

no additional dimensions to it.

You see, yeah.

Now click out of that next pic, huh?

Mmm-hmm, okay.

Next pic.

Oh, yeah!

Ooh! Now, okay, next pic now.

Is this really necessary?

-No. -No.

Ooh, think of me like a doctor.

Doctor of mysteries.

Yeah, you can go to the next one now. Come on.

She's totally nude.

Believe me, young man,

these photos are of no prurient interest to me.

Next.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

[excitedly] Oh! Oh, I mean...

I mean, "Oh," as in this one does look a little mysterious.

May I?

[menacing music playing]

[gun cocking]

[cell phone camera clicking]

Hello, Craig.

How about you take a flight...

straight to hell.

[gunshots]

[thuds]

[car engine whirring]

Who's that?

That's Nancy's mother.

Ooh, Nana! Now we know

what she looks like when she's not masturbating.

[Craig] Nana?

Craig?

But...

[dramatic music playing]

[Nana] My baby.

[sobbing] Oh, no.

What have I done?

[screams]

-No! -[gunshot]

-Oh! -[thuds]

Oh!

Well, we know you have lots of choices

when choosing a mystery team,

and we're glad that you chose us.

The local time here in Las Vegas is four something.

I don't know if it's a.m. or p.m.

Man, this jet lag is no joke.

[theme music playing]

[woman over intercom] Slip the life vest over your head,

pass the straps around your waist

and adjust at the front.

To inflate the vest, pull firmly on the cord,

only when leaving the aircraft.

There are several emergency exits on this aircraft.

Please take a few moments now to locate your nearest exit.

In some cases, your nearest exit may be behind you.

At this time your portable electronic devices

must be set to airplane mode.

Hey, turn your...phone off...

[softly] Thank you.

[knocking at door]

[knocking at door]

[knocking at door]

Murray.

Our plan worked.

We can finally be together.

[kissing]

Now come inside

so we can film each other masturbating

and then we can send the videos to each other.

[instrumental music plays]