Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

Hmm. You know what, [bleep] it.

Life's too short.

Mmm-hmm.

And you know what, if I don't like it, it'll grow back.

[hums]

Oh, [bleep] me, I hate it.

I hate it.

It's my lips. Oh! I have thin lips.

If you have thin lips, you need a mustache.

Hmm.

Uh, oh.

Well, these sideburns aren't helping.

They draw the eye right to my ugly thin lips.

Okay. Mmm. [hums]

Oh, hello, moon pie.

Jesus Christ, that is a fat face.

[bleeping].

I wanted to look like Matt Bomer,

and now I look like Matt Bomer's fat friend.

Okay, Marquess, stop, Marquess, stop.

Don't panic. It's just balance.

It's playing around with balance.

Right now my face is out of balance

because the only hair is right here...

Okay? So we'll simply

do some tweezing...

to make the face more pleasing.

Oh! Oh, well, hello, Matt Bomer.

[Deezy gasps]

Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am.

-[screams] -[Deezy] I didn't see anything.

Michael! Why is Deezy--

Whoa, Marquess!

You look just like Matt Bomer's fat friend.

I met him at a charity event.

I don't remember his name because

all I was thinking is how much better

he would look with a mustache,

sideburns and thicker eyebrows.

[screams] Jesus Christ,

I thought you were Joan Crawford for a second.

Or fat sister.

Okay, can we please take the focus off of me

for one second and someone explain why

Deezy is on a ladder

outside my bathroom window?

He's putting up Christmas lights.

He can't be living here for free.

Mother[bleep]'s gotta work.

Hey, everyone, we've got a new mystery.

"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,

my father has lost the will to live

and decided he wants to end his life.

Will you help me get him to Oregon,

where physician-assisted suicide is legal?

Yours, Barbara Dudley."

Oh, my God, this is so tragi--

Oh... Oh...

-Uh... just say it. -Oh.

-Uh... What? -Just say it.

I look terrible.

-I look terrible. -No, no, no,

you, you, you look... you know, different.

"Different" fat? "Different" ugly?

No, no, I think you look very...

To the mystery mobile.

Okay, well, that's not obvious.

[Pigeon chuckles]

Hey, check it out. I got this new backup camera.

I got it on Cyber Monday for 70% off.

I don't use it though.

Then why did you get it?

70% off! I also bought a pair of women's shoes.

If anyone is a women's size 11

and likes an open-toed stiletto,

they're in the back.

[yelping] Oh, damn!

Mike!

Team! Don't leave me hanging!

Literally!

Oh, [bleep] me. Kill me now.

I just stepped in dog shit.

[bleep] my life, no one has it worse than me.

[groaning]

No, you're right, Marquess, no one has it worse than you.

I am truly sorry.

And now you have to listen to

this old dying woman crying in pain.

-[ambulance siren wailing] -Now where am I gonna get another pair of shoes?

The prescription is under George Dudley,

it's to help him sleep.

Thank you so much for coming.

My father's been living here for a little over a year.

We moved him in when my mother died,

and his health declined rapidly.

And now he's starting to show signs of dementia,

but I truly think it's his heart that's broken.

She was his everything.

That's so sad. So you want me to murder him?

Like punch him as hard as I can in the face?

Or do you want something more gory

like a knife attack?

Or this is a cartoon, so I could drop a anvil on him.

They say in animation

you're only limited to your imagination.

What? No.

He wants to die as peacefully as possible.

That's why we need to get him to Oregon,

so a doctor can perform euthanasia.

"Youth in Asia"? So you want Yung to do it?

Karate chop him to death?

Dad!

Um, why don't you take us to meet your father?

Dad, these are the people that are gonna

take you to Oregon.

I just couldn't bear to take him myself,

you understand.

Of course I understand.

You said, "I just couldn't bear to take him myself."

And you said it in English,

slowly and clearly.

Excuse me. I'm looking for a Mr. Dudley?

Can you tell me where his room is?

Oh. George Dudley. Room 151.

And you might want to take off your hat,

we have a lot of veterans here.

Oh, of course.

Ugh, oh my, hat head.

Would you like a candy cane?

It is Christmas time, after all.

Oh, [chuckles] I shouldn't, but I will.

Huh. Hmm, ooh! Hmm.

Dad, which jacket do you want?

I want to be with Lillian.

Lillian was my mother, you understand.

Yes, I understand,

and this is getting condescending.

-[door opens] -[Marquess sucking]

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

You must be Barbara... And you must be George.

-My name is-- -Lillian?

Um, I'm sorry?

Lilian! You're back! I missed you!

Daddy, give us a second.

Wait! Lilian!

[groans]

My God, you really do look just like my mother.

Your mother looked just like Matt Bomer's fat friend?

I think you could bring back Dad's will to live.

What are you asking?

She wants you to pretend to be her mother

so that her father, whose name is Lillian,

won't want to move to Oregon.

At least that's what I understood so far.

-Right? -Close.

Please. Would you just...

spend a little time with him?

Uh... To what end?

[Pigeon] Probably your rear end.

Or your mouth.

Hmm.

I can't believe you're back.

Look at that beautiful Roman nose.

You were always insecure about it

but I think it's your most beautiful feature.

Mmm, mm-kay.

Are those the shoes I bought you?

Um--

I've always loved you in an open-toed heel.

May I touch your feet?

You know I'd rather--

Oh, my God. Oh, dear...

[grunting]

[exclaiming]

Yep, he's a real Rex Ryan, huh?

So, should we hit the road?

Get our fannies to Oregon?

He doesn't look like he wants to go to Oregon anymore.

Well, that sucks.

Pardon me?

Are you a basketball player?

Why? Because I'm black?

Yes.

I'm Mike Tyson.

Oh, the mystery solver.

Well most people know me from boxing.

I have a mystery. May I join you?

Here take my seat.

I just read in this senior citizen magazine

that you should stand or stroll for one or two minutes

at least once an hour.

[grunts] Thank you, my knees ache.

I just had them both replaced.

You know what? Standing is boring.

Let's stroll.

[groans]

[grunting]

I was in love with a woman

but she was married to another man.

Once a year we would clandestinely meet for a night of passion.

We met like this for 43 years.

But last year she didn't come...

Well, now, the clitoris can be a finicky fellow.

-Did you happen to try-- -Pigeon!

What was her name?

Lilian!

How do you know my wife, Paul?

Your wife?

Lilian?

This is the man you wouldn't leave for me?

Lilian? What's going on?

[stammers] I... I really couldn't tell you.

Tell me the truth, Lillian!

Every year when you said you were visiting your sister,

were you [bleep] Paul Gillman?

But, I, [stammers] oh, I, uh...

Dad you don't understand--

You deceitful whore!

-[choking] -Dad, stop!

[grunting]

Dad, do something!

No, Yung, it's best not to get involved in a lover's quarrel.

You just make it worse.

[choking]

[screaming]

Oh God, Daddy!

Well, team,

-it looks like we solved two mysteries in one. -[sobbing]

Your father died peacefully, just like he wanted.

And we found your Lillian.

And now you two can be together forever.

Now let's get our fannies to Oregon!

Merry Christmas, everybody!

[wailing loudly]

They gotta be home soon.

Just gotta hang on a little longer.

Come on, you can do it, Deezy.

You pray.

[panting shakily]

Mike...

Mike!

Come on, Deezy, hang in there.

Do it for Furley.

Hang on.

You got this, man.

Come on. We got a lot to live for.

We not done yet. He not done with us.

He not done.

Hang on.

Just a little longer.

Come on, Mike.

I know you hear my prayers.

[gasps] Mike.

Yung!

[animal howling]

Oh, Lord, Pigeon, I'm beggin'. I'm calling out to you.

Hang on.

Hang on.

-[girl] Santa! -Hey, little girl.

-Santa Claus! -Hey, it's Deezy.

Look, look, Becky, how you doin'?

Call somebody.

[girl] Uh, are you coming to my house next?

No, no... not if I die.

Look, call somebody.

[girl] Do you want milk and cookies, Santa?

No, I need a fireman or a police officer.

[girl] What'd you get me, Santa?

Little Becky.

Call somebody!

[girl] Why are you wearing makeup?

It's not make up.

[sobbing]