Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

[tires screech]

[announcer speaking Spanish over PA]

Welcome to San Juan, Puerto Rico.

Okay, team, now I will read you the mystery message

that brought us here to San Juan.

"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,

every year the swallows return from their annual migration

to build their nests here at the mission of San Juan Capistrano.

But they don't come back anymore.

Where are the swallows?

May God bless you and keep you, Sister Agnes."

-San Juan Capistrano? -That's right, dude.

So, what are we doing in San Juan, Puerto Rico?

Oh, damn. Oh, double dog, damn.

-Let me call Deezy. -[cell phone beeps]

-[Deezy] Hello? -Deezy, what's up, fool?

You got us in the wrong San Juan.

Pigeon says we're in Puerto Rico.

Okay, hold up, Mike. Lemme see what I did here.

It looks like I booked you on a flight to the wrong San Juan.

The one you're in is in Puerto Rico.

[Mike] Yeah, that's what Pigeon said.

Okay, good, good.

Okay, at least now we're on the same page.

You know what I bet happened?

I bet I started to type "San Juan,"

and then it just filled it in for me.

You know, that smart type.

Mmm-hmm. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, sure enough you have to put in "Capistrano."

Okay, that's my bad, Mike.

I'm sorry for the inconvenience.

[Mike] Oh, no inconvenience at all, Deezy.

I would've done the same thing with that smart type.

[Marquess] Michael, what is going on?

[Mike] Well they call it "smart type"

but it can lead you to make a dumb mistake.

That's interesting. That'd be good for a stand-up comedian to talk about.

Mmm-hmm. Now it looks like there are no direct flights

from San Juan Puerto Rico to San Juan Capistrano.

-[Mike] I think Deezy says we gotta live here forever. -[Yung Hee and Marquess] What?

Oh, no, no, no, Mike.

I just don't want you to have to have a layover somewhere.

[Mike] Deezy is saying he thinks he has to lay off some of you.

No, Mike.

Here's what I... Here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna book you on a private charter flight

with direct service to San Juan Capistrano.

Now, costs a little bit extra, but you're worth it.

And this is on me because this was my bad.

[Mike] Don't beat yourself up, Deezy.

Mmm, my credit card was declined.

But don't worry, I got your credit card right here.

Oh! Ah, I mean, this is the life.

[chuckles]

Now, just between you and me and the bumblebees,

I thought when I got involved with your father,

there would be a lot more of this, you know?

Like champagne and caviar, not that dirty van.

And even that house. I mean, come on,

it's a three bedroom, one-and-half bath in a subdivision in Vegas.

Hello? Where is the [bleep] money?

Well, most of it's in a trust fund for me.

I get it when I turn 21.

What? How much?

Mmm, it's like, $500 million.

Are you effing kidding me?

-No, I think it's like, $530 million. -[Marquess groans]

[inhales sharply] Oh, I just had an orgasm.

Okay, I have to know. What is the first thing you're gonna buy?

Diamonds? New tits? Diamond tits?

Uh, no, I'm not gonna buy anything. I'm just gonna save it.

Oh, my God. Really?

So we're just gonna stay in that house,

driving around in that shitty van?

I mean, kill me. You know? Just kill me now.

-[rumbling] -[all screaming]

[all exclaiming]

What the [bleep] is happening?

-Is everything okay? -I'm afraid not.

-[alarm blaring] -The plane is completely unresponsive.

The instruments have gone crazy.

It's the Bermuda Triangle.

We're being sucked into the Bermuda Triangle.

They say it's a legend. It's no legend.

I'm sorry.

Where are the other parachutes?

There are no other parachutes.

Of course, if the US had voted to make Puerto Rico a state,

we would have to abide by FAA regulations.

But you said, "No, be a territory."

So, you know, this one's on you guys.

As we say in Puerto Rico,

"Hasta la vista, baby!"

[screams]

[alarm blaring]

[all screaming]

[gasps]

[Marquess] Yung?

Hey, guys! Are we in heaven, Marquess?

Okay, ugh, no. This is definitely not heaven.

Heaven is crowded as a mother [bleep].

And it's dark.

Everyone thinks it's gonna be white clouds and pearly gates,

but let me tell you, it is a dump and a shitshow.

[woman] Welcome.

Please, follow me.

The Commodore would like to see you.

[Marquess] Wait, where's Pigeon?

[woman] Oh, he's going through processing.

[Marquess] Oh, that's cute, for the Bermuda Triangle.

It's the KRC Triangle.

KFC? Mmm, that sounds good. I'm hungry.

No, K-R-C.

It stands for "Knowledge, Responsibility and Control."

And buttermilk biscuits.

The five-dollar meal.

Original recipe or extra crispy.

Finger lickin' good!

Open that door, I wanna meet the Colonel.

Um, the Commodore.

Ah, welcome, welcome.

Please, have a seat.

I'm L. Ron Hubbard, founder of Scientology.

I thought you died.

No, young fellow, I just came here.

I'm sure you have many questions.

Allow me to answer them all.

Let's start at the beginning.

Why does man exist?

The answer, why should he not exist?

Or to be more precise,

is the point of man to exist?

Or to be more, you know, precise,

what are the 11 herbs and spices?

To answer that, we must first talk about Xenu.

Also referred to as Xemu.

He was the alien dictator of the galactic confederacy.

Xenu or Xemu, some people say Xemu--

Some people say KFC, some people say Kentucky Fried Chicken,

I don't really have an opinion, but KFC is faster.

Ah, but we mustn't lose sight

of the fact that Scientology is the study of knowingness.

It increases one's knowingness.

I want to have knowingness of the secret recipe.

I promise I won't tell anyone.

Clams.

I knew it! That's all that taste is, clams!

And as they continue their evolution

and mastery of their own minds,

why, they can move in all directions through vibrations,

and thus ready themselves for interplanetary travel.

I liked it when Norm MacDonald played you.

M'kay. Okay, so we're gonna go.

Well, you can't go. You see, no one goes.

No one leaves the Bermuda Triangle,

or the Church of Scientology.

That's why we made this our flagship location.

[laughing]

[door opens]

He's clear.

Pigeon, are you okay? What did they do to you?

Oh, well, they hooked me up to this little fake machine,

and then they asked me a bunch of personal questions.

And I spilled my guts,

so now if I ever leave, they'll tell everybody I'm secretly gay.

So I can never leave.

But on the other hand, I do feel better.

I feel clear.

Just like they kept saying I would.

Now, let's get the rest of them processed.

Oh, Marjorie, before we process our new friends,

why don't we go feed the birds?

They give me such joy.

[Yung Hee] Are those swallows?

Some time ago, they got sucked into the Triangle.

Perhaps global warming caused the trade winds

to alter their course.

[laughs] But perhaps, something deep inside them

wanted to know more about who they really were.

They've all been processed and are clear.

These are the swallows of San Juan Capistrano.

-That's the mystery we were supposed to be solving. -[gasps]

The swallows were sucked into the Bermuda Triangle

just like us.

Now we have to figure out how to get out.

[gasps] Wait.

What is the opposite of suck?

-Blow. -Yes!

Now, I don't have it all figured out yet,

but, swallows, suck,

blow, blow.

Suck.

Swallow, blow, suck.

Swallow, blow. Blow, suck, swallow.

Swallow, blow.

-Suck-- -Okay,

maybe it's because I'm so clear now,

but you saying, "blow," "suck," "swallow," is giving me an idea.

I think what we need to do,

is that one of us needs to suck off L. Ron Hubbard,

and [bleep] just [bleep] give him a good suck job, and then...

And this part won't make sense to you because none of you are clear.

But I can tell you with absolute clarity

as a high-level Scientologist,

that we will end up in San Juan Capistrano with all these dumb birds.

[laughing]

[swallows chirping]

[Sister Agnes] Oh, sisters, look,

the swallows have returned.

I'm so sorry for what you all endured.

Being preached a made-up religion,

full of fanciful stories,

designed to take advantage of the gullible and get their money...

Oh, shameful.

Care to give to the Church?

After all,

Jesus who walked on water and turned water into wine,

gave his life to provide the way to heaven,

a magical, fanciful place in the sky,

where we shall live among the angels!

[theme music playing]