Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,641
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
2
00:00:06,773 --> 00:00:09,273
"Dear, Mike Tyson
Mystery Team,
my name is Edward Kunt,
3
00:00:09,309 --> 00:00:12,009
"and recently, I discovered
I have an identical
twin brother
4
00:00:12,045 --> 00:00:13,375
"whom I've never met.
5
00:00:13,413 --> 00:00:15,053
"Could you please
help me find him?
6
00:00:15,082 --> 00:00:17,452
"Best regards,
Edward Kunt."
7
00:00:17,484 --> 00:00:18,954
Hmm.
8
00:00:18,985 --> 00:00:22,215
Probably didn't need
to write my full name twice.
9
00:00:22,255 --> 00:00:25,055
Here, little pigeon.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
10
00:00:25,959 --> 00:00:27,329
There you go.
11
00:00:28,128 --> 00:00:29,728
(GROANS)
12
00:00:29,763 --> 00:00:31,763
Son of a bitch.
How the hell
does anyone do this?
13
00:00:31,798 --> 00:00:34,528
MARQUESS: (SIGHS)
We shouldn't condone
this behavior.
14
00:00:34,568 --> 00:00:37,898
It's errand day, Marquess.
Everybody gets to choose
one errand.
15
00:00:37,938 --> 00:00:41,108
And Pigeon wanted
to go the park
so he could buy some drugs.
16
00:00:44,311 --> 00:00:46,081
Forty bucks
for half ounce.
17
00:00:46,113 --> 00:00:49,653
(SCOFFS) Either the market
for crystal meth
fell off a cliff,
18
00:00:49,683 --> 00:00:52,683
or I just bought
a bag of rat poison.
19
00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:54,649
Well, only one way
to find out.
20
00:00:59,459 --> 00:01:00,359
Finally.
21
00:01:00,393 --> 00:01:03,103
Hmm. That's not rat poison,
22
00:01:03,130 --> 00:01:04,760
but also I'm not
getting that
23
00:01:04,798 --> 00:01:08,898
hard-dicked,
crazy crystal meth
tingle either.
24
00:01:08,935 --> 00:01:11,465
Jesus, what the (BLEEP)
is happening to my legs?
25
00:01:11,505 --> 00:01:13,365
Oh, (BLEEP)
This is horrible!
26
00:01:13,406 --> 00:01:15,106
My blood is thick.
27
00:01:15,142 --> 00:01:17,912
My brain is freezing cold.
28
00:01:17,944 --> 00:01:19,614
Everything is...
29
00:01:22,716 --> 00:01:24,216
What is he doing?
30
00:01:27,554 --> 00:01:30,194
Is that something
we should be
concerned with?
31
00:01:30,924 --> 00:01:32,264
There you go, little guy.
32
00:01:32,292 --> 00:01:35,162
Now, go find
the Mike Tyson Mystery Team.
33
00:01:35,195 --> 00:01:37,395
-Fly!
-MARQUESS: Pigeon!
34
00:01:39,299 --> 00:01:41,329
Oh, my God.
You're here!
35
00:01:41,368 --> 00:01:43,198
Oh, I was trying
to send you this.
36
00:01:43,236 --> 00:01:44,796
"Dear, Mike Tyson
Mystery Team,
37
00:01:44,838 --> 00:01:46,138
"my name is Edward (BLEEP)"
38
00:01:46,173 --> 00:01:48,973
Oh, actually it's
pronounced Kunt.
39
00:01:49,009 --> 00:01:52,879
"...and recently I discovered
that I have
an identical twin brother
40
00:01:52,913 --> 00:01:54,513
"whom I've never met before.
41
00:01:54,548 --> 00:01:56,208
"Can you please
help me find him?
42
00:01:56,249 --> 00:01:57,979
"Best regards,
Edward (BLEEP)"
43
00:01:58,018 --> 00:01:59,648
Kunt.
44
00:01:59,686 --> 00:02:02,086
Well, Mr. (BLEEP),
that sounds like
an amazing mystery.
45
00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:05,122
And we'd love to
help you find your
identical twin brother.
46
00:02:05,158 --> 00:02:07,128
Unfortunately, we have
a strict policy
47
00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:10,500
that we never take mysteries
when we're out
in the general public.
48
00:02:10,530 --> 00:02:12,600
All mysteries must be
attached to a pigeon,
49
00:02:12,632 --> 00:02:14,732
which must fly
to our home
50
00:02:14,768 --> 00:02:17,598
where a member of our team
will process it and submit it
for approval,
51
00:02:17,637 --> 00:02:20,607
which could take
anywhere from
immediately to never.
52
00:02:22,809 --> 00:02:24,309
Whoa.
53
00:02:24,344 --> 00:02:27,314
That was transcendent.
54
00:02:29,616 --> 00:02:30,946
Hey, guys.
55
00:02:30,984 --> 00:02:32,354
You got a new mystery here.
56
00:02:32,385 --> 00:02:34,315
Whoa, you still
live here, Deezy?
57
00:02:34,354 --> 00:02:36,224
Not for long. Not for long.
58
00:02:36,256 --> 00:02:38,556
I just put in an application
on an apartment
over by the airport.
59
00:02:38,592 --> 00:02:41,462
And I should hear something
in the next little bit.
Very soon I'm sure.
60
00:02:41,494 --> 00:02:43,334
"Dear, Mike Tyson
Mystery Team,
61
00:02:43,363 --> 00:02:45,233
"my name is Edward (BLEEP)
62
00:02:45,265 --> 00:02:48,525
"and recently, I discovered
that I have an identical
twin brother
63
00:02:48,568 --> 00:02:50,168
"whom I've never met."
64
00:02:50,203 --> 00:02:52,673
Wait. (BLEEP) sounds familiar.
65
00:02:52,706 --> 00:02:54,266
Have we met a (BLEEP) before?
66
00:02:54,307 --> 00:02:56,167
I could swear,
we met a (BLEEP).
67
00:02:56,209 --> 00:02:57,839
Yung, do you remember
a (BLEEP)?
68
00:02:57,877 --> 00:03:00,577
Hmm, (BLEEP).
69
00:03:00,614 --> 00:03:02,584
(BLEEP)
70
00:03:02,616 --> 00:03:04,576
For God's sakes,
you idiots are the (BLEEP).
71
00:03:04,618 --> 00:03:06,688
The name is obviously
pronounced Kunt.
72
00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:09,490
Have you never met
anybody named Kunt?
73
00:03:09,522 --> 00:03:11,762
By God, it's a common surname.
74
00:03:11,791 --> 00:03:13,191
Why, when I was boy,
75
00:03:13,226 --> 00:03:15,086
the family at
the end of the lane,
76
00:03:15,128 --> 00:03:17,098
they spelled it with a "C",
77
00:03:17,130 --> 00:03:19,230
and they pronounced it Kunt.
78
00:03:19,266 --> 00:03:21,526
Oh, yes, I remember well.
79
00:03:21,568 --> 00:03:24,368
Harry Cunt
and his wife Ima.
80
00:03:24,404 --> 00:03:25,574
"Ima Cunt."
81
00:03:25,605 --> 00:03:27,265
And he had
two lovely daughters,
82
00:03:27,307 --> 00:03:29,307
Yura and Bea.
83
00:03:29,342 --> 00:03:31,382
"Yura Cunt
and Bea Cunt."
84
00:03:31,411 --> 00:03:33,811
To the Mystery Mobile.
85
00:03:36,316 --> 00:03:39,376
Hey, Edward.
We have got your mystery
and we are all here
86
00:03:39,419 --> 00:03:41,449
to help you find
your identical twin brother.
87
00:03:41,488 --> 00:03:44,258
Oh, uh, I sent that
so long ago.
88
00:03:44,291 --> 00:03:45,761
Like, a year ago.
89
00:03:45,792 --> 00:03:48,332
Hey, hey, we get this
bullshit complaint a lot.
90
00:03:48,361 --> 00:03:51,961
It's like, "Why does it take
so long from the time
I wrote my message
91
00:03:51,998 --> 00:03:53,768
"to you for you to get it?"
92
00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:56,870
All I can say is
these are birds we're
dealing with, okay?
93
00:03:56,903 --> 00:03:58,973
Birds, that have no idea
where I live.
94
00:03:59,005 --> 00:04:02,335
It is a miracle
any birds with any
mystery messages
95
00:04:02,375 --> 00:04:04,175
ever end up at my house.
96
00:04:04,210 --> 00:04:07,150
So take your complaint
and shove it up your ass,
mother (BLEEP).
97
00:04:07,180 --> 00:04:09,710
Now let's go find
your twin brother,
mother (BLEEP).
98
00:04:09,749 --> 00:04:12,219
-Michael?
-I'm sorry, I just don't
like complainers.
99
00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:13,992
Never had, never will.
100
00:04:14,020 --> 00:04:16,860
But do you know
what I really
cannot stand?
101
00:04:16,890 --> 00:04:18,120
All this heat lately.
102
00:04:18,158 --> 00:04:20,728
I have no energy
and the reason
is the heat.
103
00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:22,890
I just want it to be fall,
but then, it's like,
104
00:04:22,929 --> 00:04:25,499
you go somewhere,
you gotta remember
to bring a jacket.
105
00:04:25,532 --> 00:04:27,102
I don't need that headache.
106
00:04:27,133 --> 00:04:28,933
Life is hard. FML.
107
00:04:28,968 --> 00:04:31,398
I'm over it.
I'm sick and tired
and over it.
108
00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:34,338
But don't listen to me.
I just like
to complain sometimes.
109
00:04:34,374 --> 00:04:36,884
Okay, so back to
finding your twin brother.
110
00:04:36,910 --> 00:04:38,540
Oh, I already found him.
111
00:04:38,578 --> 00:04:40,878
When I didn't hear from
you guys, I hired
a private investigator.
112
00:04:40,914 --> 00:04:43,324
Apparently, we were both
given to an orphanage
as babies
113
00:04:43,350 --> 00:04:44,880
and then adopted
by separate families.
114
00:04:44,918 --> 00:04:47,588
-His name's Thomas.
He lives near Reno.
-Oh.
115
00:04:47,620 --> 00:04:50,260
Ugh, I feel bad.
You came all this way.
116
00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:52,220
Well, do you have
any other mysteries?
117
00:04:52,258 --> 00:04:53,488
Uh...
118
00:04:53,526 --> 00:04:55,226
I don't think so.
119
00:04:55,261 --> 00:04:58,101
Okay, well, if you ever
need anything,
here's my card.
120
00:04:58,131 --> 00:04:59,831
"Tony Havrasian.
121
00:04:59,866 --> 00:05:02,566
"Home media installation
and repair."
122
00:05:02,602 --> 00:05:03,902
Aren't you Mike Tyson?
123
00:05:03,937 --> 00:05:06,067
Yeah, and that guy
gave me that card,
124
00:05:06,106 --> 00:05:07,466
and it's my card.
125
00:05:07,507 --> 00:05:08,867
And now, it's your card.
126
00:05:08,908 --> 00:05:10,478
And you'll give it
to someone,
127
00:05:10,510 --> 00:05:12,880
and then that person
will give it to someone,
128
00:05:12,912 --> 00:05:14,582
and so on, and so forth.
129
00:05:14,614 --> 00:05:16,484
It's called
the circle of life.
130
00:05:17,784 --> 00:05:19,794
You take care, Mr. (BLEEP).
131
00:05:24,190 --> 00:05:25,420
(CAR DOORS OPEN AND CLOSE)
132
00:05:25,458 --> 00:05:26,828
How did he beat us here?
133
00:05:26,860 --> 00:05:28,790
Dad, it takes us forever
to get anywhere
134
00:05:28,828 --> 00:05:30,898
because you refuse
to make left turns.
135
00:05:30,930 --> 00:05:33,600
Sixty-two percent of crashes
involve left turns
136
00:05:33,633 --> 00:05:36,633
as opposed to 3.1%
involving right turns.
137
00:05:36,669 --> 00:05:39,739
As they say,
"Three right turns
make a left."
138
00:05:39,773 --> 00:05:41,313
It'll maybe take
a little longer,
139
00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:43,911
but as they say,
"Sixty-two percent
of the crashes
140
00:05:43,943 --> 00:05:45,143
"involve left turns
141
00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:48,678
"as opposed to 3.1%
involving right turns."
142
00:05:48,715 --> 00:05:49,975
So, what is it, Edward?
143
00:05:50,016 --> 00:05:51,676
Oh, I'm not Edward.
144
00:05:51,718 --> 00:05:53,818
Oh, then you must be Thomas,
145
00:05:53,853 --> 00:05:55,123
from Reno?
146
00:05:55,155 --> 00:05:56,415
Uh, no.
147
00:05:56,456 --> 00:05:57,916
My name is Lawrence.
148
00:05:57,957 --> 00:06:00,017
I was hoping
you could help me.
149
00:06:00,059 --> 00:06:02,929
You see, I've recently
discovered that I have
identical twin brothers.
150
00:06:02,962 --> 00:06:04,802
I want you to
help me find them.
151
00:06:04,831 --> 00:06:06,771
So, Edward and Thomas
don't know about me?
152
00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:09,300
-I guess not.
-But you know
where they both live?
153
00:06:09,335 --> 00:06:10,735
Well, we know
where Edward lives.
154
00:06:10,770 --> 00:06:12,140
DEEZY: And Edward knows
where Thomas lives.
155
00:06:12,172 --> 00:06:13,672
-MARQUESS: Oh, my God.
-(LAWRENCE SCREAMS)
156
00:06:13,706 --> 00:06:15,036
Hey, Deezy, how you know
about any of this?
157
00:06:15,074 --> 00:06:16,914
You butt-dialed me
about three hours ago.
158
00:06:16,943 --> 00:06:18,813
I've been listening
to everything.
159
00:06:18,845 --> 00:06:21,075
You guys talk
a lot of shit about me
behind my back.
160
00:06:22,549 --> 00:06:24,349
EDWARD: It's just so much
to take in.
161
00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:25,784
When I found out
I was adopted,
162
00:06:25,819 --> 00:06:27,519
I wanted to meet
my birth parents,
163
00:06:27,554 --> 00:06:30,164
but the agency said
they couldn't reveal
their identities.
164
00:06:30,190 --> 00:06:33,320
But they did tell me
I had an identical twin.
165
00:06:33,359 --> 00:06:35,559
I wonder why
they didn't tell me
there were three of us.
166
00:06:35,595 --> 00:06:37,225
I'm sorry,
do you have any wine?
167
00:06:37,263 --> 00:06:39,363
I mean, we could all
go inside and have
a glass of wine.
168
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:42,999
Not that I need wine.
It's just 4:30,
and I'm... I mean, I just...
169
00:06:43,036 --> 00:06:44,536
I just look
forward to it, okay?
170
00:06:44,571 --> 00:06:46,541
It's a thing
I look forward to.
171
00:06:47,307 --> 00:06:49,107
Let's go see Thomas.
172
00:06:49,142 --> 00:06:52,982
Ooh. Does this mean
that we're all going
to just outside of Reno?
173
00:06:53,012 --> 00:06:55,552
Ooh, that's number five
on my bucket list.
174
00:06:57,584 --> 00:07:00,754
-Incredible!
-After all these years.
175
00:07:00,787 --> 00:07:02,247
Who are you calling?
176
00:07:02,288 --> 00:07:05,488
Oh, why do you care?
Why are we even still here?
177
00:07:05,525 --> 00:07:07,185
I'm calling
the adoption agency.
178
00:07:07,227 --> 00:07:08,527
I want some answers.
179
00:07:08,561 --> 00:07:10,461
Starting with who are
our birth parents.
180
00:07:10,497 --> 00:07:11,697
Wait.
181
00:07:11,731 --> 00:07:13,301
I know who our
birth parents are.
182
00:07:13,333 --> 00:07:16,273
They raised me.
I wasn't put up
for adoption.
183
00:07:16,302 --> 00:07:17,572
Would you like to meet them?
184
00:07:17,604 --> 00:07:19,274
They live in
Medford, Massachusetts.
185
00:07:19,305 --> 00:07:21,735
No one's gonna believe me,
but number three
on my bucket list
186
00:07:21,774 --> 00:07:24,444
is go to Medford,
Massachusetts
and just hang out.
187
00:07:24,477 --> 00:07:28,307
Man, I'm crossing
shit off my bucket list
like crazy today.
188
00:07:28,348 --> 00:07:31,448
The name of this episode
should be, The Bucket List.
189
00:07:34,721 --> 00:07:37,621
Oh, we made it.
Thank goodness.
190
00:07:37,657 --> 00:07:40,087
It's just starting
to get crowded in here.
191
00:07:42,428 --> 00:07:44,158
Mother? Father?
192
00:07:44,197 --> 00:07:46,797
There are a couple
of gentlemen here
who would like to meet you.
193
00:07:46,833 --> 00:07:48,433
Who do you have
with you, Lawrence?
194
00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:50,268
Oh! What?
195
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:52,373
Herman, you lied.
196
00:07:52,405 --> 00:07:54,105
I couldn't kill 'em, Stella.
197
00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:55,410
They were just babies.
198
00:07:55,441 --> 00:07:56,671
What are they talking about?
199
00:07:56,709 --> 00:07:58,009
I'll tell you.
200
00:07:58,044 --> 00:07:59,914
You deserve
to know the truth.
201
00:07:59,946 --> 00:08:02,206
Forty-three years ago,
your mother and I
202
00:08:02,248 --> 00:08:05,718
suffered the greatest loss
any parent can have.
203
00:08:05,752 --> 00:08:07,892
Our only child, Lawrence,
204
00:08:07,921 --> 00:08:11,421
was eaten by an alligator
while on an outing
to the zoo.
205
00:08:11,457 --> 00:08:14,587
I tried to pull him
out of the jaws
of that terrible beast,
206
00:08:14,627 --> 00:08:16,557
but all I got back
were his little feet.
207
00:08:16,596 --> 00:08:17,996
So, I raced back
to my lab,
208
00:08:18,031 --> 00:08:19,831
where I was doing
high-level cloning research,
209
00:08:19,866 --> 00:08:22,496
and I did what
any parent would do.
210
00:08:22,535 --> 00:08:25,365
I made a clone
of my own son.
211
00:08:25,405 --> 00:08:28,605
But, here's where
it gets tricky.
212
00:08:28,641 --> 00:08:30,641
I somehow ended up with three.
213
00:08:30,677 --> 00:08:32,637
No one wanted three.
214
00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:34,879
How would we
explain it to the neighbors?
215
00:08:34,914 --> 00:08:37,554
Where there was one boy
there are now three.
216
00:08:37,584 --> 00:08:39,754
We didn't know
what else to do.
217
00:08:39,786 --> 00:08:42,586
Herman assured me
it would be a painless death.
218
00:08:42,622 --> 00:08:44,822
But when I looked
into your eyes,
219
00:08:44,857 --> 00:08:47,527
you had Lawrence's eyes,
of course.
220
00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:50,230
I did what
any parent would do.
221
00:08:50,263 --> 00:08:52,503
I drove you
straight to the orphanage,
222
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,232
hopefully, never to
see you again.
223
00:08:54,267 --> 00:08:57,697
Then some time ago,
I got a call.
224
00:08:57,737 --> 00:09:00,307
One of you was asking
about your birth parents.
225
00:09:00,340 --> 00:09:02,910
I knew that it was only
a matter of time
226
00:09:02,942 --> 00:09:04,342
before you found one another,
227
00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:07,047
and discover that you're
not identical triplets.
228
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:08,410
You're clones.
229
00:09:08,448 --> 00:09:10,178
Clones of a sweet little boy
230
00:09:10,216 --> 00:09:13,146
long dead in the belly
of an alligator.
231
00:09:13,186 --> 00:09:16,146
So I sent Lawrence,
this Lawrence,
the fake Lawrence
232
00:09:16,189 --> 00:09:18,689
to find you two
and bring you here,
233
00:09:18,725 --> 00:09:21,185
so I could do what
any parent would do.
234
00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:22,387
Murder you!
235
00:09:22,428 --> 00:09:24,758
Okay, now, you keep
using that expression,
236
00:09:24,797 --> 00:09:26,597
"What any parent
would do" and I'm not sure--
237
00:09:26,633 --> 00:09:28,703
-Oh, my God!
-(YUNG HEE SCREAMS)
238
00:09:30,803 --> 00:09:32,043
LAWRENCE:
It had to be done, Father.
239
00:09:32,071 --> 00:09:33,371
-(GUNSHOT)
-(LAWRENCE GROANS)
240
00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:34,466
Herman!
241
00:09:34,507 --> 00:09:36,467
How could you kill our son?
242
00:09:36,509 --> 00:09:39,439
Our son died 43 years ago.
243
00:09:39,479 --> 00:09:43,209
Our mistake was simply doing
what any parent would do.
244
00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:44,479
My God!
245
00:09:44,517 --> 00:09:46,447
And now, I'm afraid
I have to kill all of you.
246
00:09:46,486 --> 00:09:49,686
-(GRUNTS)
-Wow, wow, I did it.
Number two on my bucket list.
247
00:09:49,722 --> 00:09:51,522
I just punched a man
in the face.
248
00:09:51,557 --> 00:09:53,687
That was the one
I never thought
I'd get to do.
249
00:09:53,726 --> 00:09:57,296
Under what circumstances
will I ever hit a man
right in his face?
250
00:09:57,330 --> 00:10:00,200
Now there's only
one thing left
on my list.
251
00:10:01,534 --> 00:10:03,504
-(GUN COCKS)
-Kill Pigeon.
252
00:10:03,536 --> 00:10:05,096
What?
253
00:10:05,138 --> 00:10:07,708
Number one on
my bucket list
is to kill Pigeon.
254
00:10:07,740 --> 00:10:09,110
Wha-- What the (BLEEP)
are you doing?
255
00:10:09,142 --> 00:10:11,012
(GASPS) This is
amazing, Michael.
256
00:10:11,044 --> 00:10:14,114
You're gonna complete
your entire bucket list today.
257
00:10:14,147 --> 00:10:16,147
What are you
waiting for, Dad? Do it.
258
00:10:16,182 --> 00:10:18,022
-Pull the trigger.
-PIGEON: What?
259
00:10:18,051 --> 00:10:20,521
Please. Please, no. No.
260
00:10:20,553 --> 00:10:22,393
What's the matter
with you people?
261
00:10:22,422 --> 00:10:23,822
(GUNSHOT)
262
00:10:28,928 --> 00:10:30,858
EDWARD: Oh, my God,
you're here.
263
00:10:30,897 --> 00:10:32,627
Oh, I was trying
to send you this.
264
00:10:32,665 --> 00:10:35,125
I recently discovered
I have an identical
twin brother,
265
00:10:35,168 --> 00:10:37,038
and I was hoping
you could help me find him.
266
00:10:37,070 --> 00:10:39,870
Oh, I don't wanna do that.
That sounds boring.
267
00:10:39,906 --> 00:10:41,866
If I had a bucket list,
which I don't,
268
00:10:41,908 --> 00:10:43,838
because I think
bucket lists are stupid,
269
00:10:43,876 --> 00:10:48,046
but if I did, helping finding
your twin brother
would not be on it.
270
00:10:48,081 --> 00:10:51,151
Come on, everyone.
We have to finish
running our errands.
271
00:10:53,386 --> 00:10:54,886
Wow.
272
00:10:54,921 --> 00:10:57,621
That really was transcendent.
273
00:10:57,657 --> 00:10:59,687
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
20772
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.