Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

"Dear, Mike Tyson Mystery Team, my name is Edward Kunt,

"and recently, I discovered I have an identical twin brother

"whom I've never met.

"Could you please help me find him?

"Best regards, Edward Kunt."

Hmm.

Probably didn't need to write my full name twice.

Here, little pigeon. (CLICKS TONGUE)

There you go.

(GROANS)

Son of a bitch. How the hell does anyone do this?

MARQUESS: (SIGHS) We shouldn't condone this behavior.

It's errand day, Marquess. Everybody gets to choose one errand.

And Pigeon wanted to go the park so he could buy some drugs.

Forty bucks for half ounce.

(SCOFFS) Either the market for crystal meth fell off a cliff,

or I just bought a bag of rat poison.

Well, only one way to find out.

Finally.

Hmm. That's not rat poison,

but also I'm not getting that

hard-dicked, crazy crystal meth tingle either.

Jesus, what the (BLEEP) is happening to my legs?

Oh, (BLEEP) This is horrible!

My blood is thick.

My brain is freezing cold.

Everything is...

What is he doing?

Is that something we should be concerned with?

There you go, little guy.

Now, go find the Mike Tyson Mystery Team.

-Fly! -MARQUESS: Pigeon!

Oh, my God. You're here!

Oh, I was trying to send you this.

"Dear, Mike Tyson Mystery Team,

"my name is Edward (BLEEP)"

Oh, actually it's pronounced Kunt.

"...and recently I discovered that I have an identical twin brother

"whom I've never met before.

"Can you please help me find him?

"Best regards, Edward (BLEEP)"

Kunt.

Well, Mr. (BLEEP), that sounds like an amazing mystery.

And we'd love to help you find your identical twin brother.

Unfortunately, we have a strict policy

that we never take mysteries when we're out in the general public.

All mysteries must be attached to a pigeon,

which must fly to our home

where a member of our team will process it and submit it for approval,

which could take anywhere from immediately to never.

Whoa.

That was transcendent.

Hey, guys.

You got a new mystery here.

Whoa, you still live here, Deezy?

Not for long. Not for long.

I just put in an application on an apartment over by the airport.

And I should hear something in the next little bit. Very soon I'm sure.

"Dear, Mike Tyson Mystery Team,

"my name is Edward (BLEEP)

"and recently, I discovered that I have an identical twin brother

"whom I've never met."

Wait. (BLEEP) sounds familiar.

Have we met a (BLEEP) before?

I could swear, we met a (BLEEP).

Yung, do you remember a (BLEEP)?

Hmm, (BLEEP).

(BLEEP)

For God's sakes, you idiots are the (BLEEP).

The name is obviously pronounced Kunt.

Have you never met anybody named Kunt?

By God, it's a common surname.

Why, when I was boy,

the family at the end of the lane,

they spelled it with a "C",

and they pronounced it Kunt.

Oh, yes, I remember well.

Harry Cunt and his wife Ima.

"Ima Cunt."

And he had two lovely daughters,

Yura and Bea.

"Yura Cunt and Bea Cunt."

To the Mystery Mobile.

Hey, Edward. We have got your mystery and we are all here

to help you find your identical twin brother.

Oh, uh, I sent that so long ago.

Like, a year ago.

Hey, hey, we get this bullshit complaint a lot.

It's like, "Why does it take so long from the time I wrote my message

"to you for you to get it?"

All I can say is these are birds we're dealing with, okay?

Birds, that have no idea where I live.

It is a miracle any birds with any mystery messages

ever end up at my house.

So take your complaint and shove it up your ass, mother (BLEEP).

Now let's go find your twin brother, mother (BLEEP).

-Michael? -I'm sorry, I just don't like complainers.

Never had, never will.

But do you know what I really cannot stand?

All this heat lately.

I have no energy and the reason is the heat.

I just want it to be fall, but then, it's like,

you go somewhere, you gotta remember to bring a jacket.

I don't need that headache.

Life is hard. FML.

I'm over it. I'm sick and tired and over it.

But don't listen to me. I just like to complain sometimes.

Okay, so back to finding your twin brother.

Oh, I already found him.

When I didn't hear from you guys, I hired a private investigator.

Apparently, we were both given to an orphanage as babies

and then adopted by separate families.

-His name's Thomas. He lives near Reno. -Oh.

Ugh, I feel bad. You came all this way.

Well, do you have any other mysteries?

Uh...

I don't think so.

Okay, well, if you ever need anything, here's my card.

"Tony Havrasian.

"Home media installation and repair."

Aren't you Mike Tyson?

Yeah, and that guy gave me that card,

and it's my card.

And now, it's your card.

And you'll give it to someone,

and then that person will give it to someone,

and so on, and so forth.

It's called the circle of life.

You take care, Mr. (BLEEP).

(CAR DOORS OPEN AND CLOSE)

How did he beat us here?

Dad, it takes us forever to get anywhere

because you refuse to make left turns.

Sixty-two percent of crashes involve left turns

as opposed to 3.1% involving right turns.

As they say, "Three right turns make a left."

It'll maybe take a little longer,

but as they say, "Sixty-two percent of the crashes

"involve left turns

"as opposed to 3.1% involving right turns."

So, what is it, Edward?

Oh, I'm not Edward.

Oh, then you must be Thomas,

from Reno?

Uh, no.

My name is Lawrence.

I was hoping you could help me.

You see, I've recently discovered that I have identical twin brothers.

I want you to help me find them.

So, Edward and Thomas don't know about me?

-I guess not. -But you know where they both live?

Well, we know where Edward lives.

DEEZY: And Edward knows where Thomas lives.

-MARQUESS: Oh, my God. -(LAWRENCE SCREAMS)

Hey, Deezy, how you know about any of this?

You butt-dialed me about three hours ago.

I've been listening to everything.

You guys talk a lot of shit about me behind my back.

EDWARD: It's just so much to take in.

When I found out I was adopted,

I wanted to meet my birth parents,

but the agency said they couldn't reveal their identities.

But they did tell me I had an identical twin.

I wonder why they didn't tell me there were three of us.

I'm sorry, do you have any wine?

I mean, we could all go inside and have a glass of wine.

Not that I need wine. It's just 4:30, and I'm... I mean, I just...

I just look forward to it, okay?

It's a thing I look forward to.

Let's go see Thomas.

Ooh. Does this mean that we're all going to just outside of Reno?

Ooh, that's number five on my bucket list.

-Incredible! -After all these years.

Who are you calling?

Oh, why do you care? Why are we even still here?

I'm calling the adoption agency.

I want some answers.

Starting with who are our birth parents.

Wait.

I know who our birth parents are.

They raised me. I wasn't put up for adoption.

Would you like to meet them?

They live in Medford, Massachusetts.

No one's gonna believe me, but number three on my bucket list

is go to Medford, Massachusetts and just hang out.

Man, I'm crossing shit off my bucket list like crazy today.

The name of this episode should be, The Bucket List.

Oh, we made it. Thank goodness.

It's just starting to get crowded in here.

Mother? Father?

There are a couple of gentlemen here who would like to meet you.

Who do you have with you, Lawrence?

Oh! What?

Herman, you lied.

I couldn't kill 'em, Stella.

They were just babies.

What are they talking about?

I'll tell you.

You deserve to know the truth.

Forty-three years ago, your mother and I

suffered the greatest loss any parent can have.

Our only child, Lawrence,

was eaten by an alligator while on an outing to the zoo.

I tried to pull him out of the jaws of that terrible beast,

but all I got back were his little feet.

So, I raced back to my lab,

where I was doing high-level cloning research,

and I did what any parent would do.

I made a clone of my own son.

But, here's where it gets tricky.

I somehow ended up with three.

No one wanted three.

How would we explain it to the neighbors?

Where there was one boy there are now three.

We didn't know what else to do.

Herman assured me it would be a painless death.

But when I looked into your eyes,

you had Lawrence's eyes, of course.

I did what any parent would do.

I drove you straight to the orphanage,

hopefully, never to see you again.

Then some time ago, I got a call.

One of you was asking about your birth parents.

I knew that it was only a matter of time

before you found one another,

and discover that you're not identical triplets.

You're clones.

Clones of a sweet little boy

long dead in the belly of an alligator.

So I sent Lawrence, this Lawrence, the fake Lawrence

to find you two and bring you here,

so I could do what any parent would do.

Murder you!

Okay, now, you keep using that expression,

"What any parent would do" and I'm not sure--

-Oh, my God! -(YUNG HEE SCREAMS)

LAWRENCE: It had to be done, Father.

-(GUNSHOT) -(LAWRENCE GROANS)

Herman!

How could you kill our son?

Our son died 43 years ago.

Our mistake was simply doing what any parent would do.

My God!

And now, I'm afraid I have to kill all of you.

-(GRUNTS) -Wow, wow, I did it. Number two on my bucket list.

I just punched a man in the face.

That was the one I never thought I'd get to do.

Under what circumstances will I ever hit a man right in his face?

Now there's only one thing left on my list.

-(GUN COCKS) -Kill Pigeon.

What?

Number one on my bucket list is to kill Pigeon.

Wha-- What the (BLEEP) are you doing?

(GASPS) This is amazing, Michael.

You're gonna complete your entire bucket list today.

What are you waiting for, Dad? Do it.

-Pull the trigger. -PIGEON: What?

Please. Please, no. No.

What's the matter with you people?

(GUNSHOT)

EDWARD: Oh, my God, you're here.

Oh, I was trying to send you this.

I recently discovered I have an identical twin brother,

and I was hoping you could help me find him.

Oh, I don't wanna do that. That sounds boring.

If I had a bucket list, which I don't,

because I think bucket lists are stupid,

but if I did, helping finding your twin brother would not be on it.

Come on, everyone. We have to finish running our errands.

Wow.

That really was transcendent.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)