Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Here you go. Uh, utensils and napkins are in the bag.

Thank you.

Tuna melt, that's Yung.

Hawaiian burger for you, Mr. Bird.

Mr. Bird?

That's not your name? It's something Bird, right?

Hold up, where the (BLEEP) is my food?

Did they forget my three-meat plate?

I can't not have my three-meat plate.

It's a special. They don't always have it.

And you don't know what the three meats are.

And that's what makes it great.

What if today was chicken, beef and penguin?

Or penguin, beef and caribou?

Or just beef, caribou, penguin, and one more?

And now I'll never know because they forgot my three-meat plate.

Well, run outside. Maybe you can still catch the guy.

Sir! Sir! Hey, hold up.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(HORN BLARING)

(DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE)

I couldn't catch him, but it's okay. I'll just have cereal.

Hey, hey, hey, everybody! You got a new mystery.

Oh, damn. You ordered from Ted's Grill!

Did you guys get my usual, the five-fish platter?

We did not order anything for you,

because no one thought about you.

Now, give me that mystery.

"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery team,

"I am seven-and-a-half years old.

"I made a wish on an eyelash and it didn't come true." Ha!

"Please help, Margaret Moses."

Huh. Go (BLEEP) yourself, Margaret Moses.

Who's Margaret Moses, and why is she gonna (BLEEP) herself?

They forgot the pineapple!

That's what makes it a (BLEEP) Hawaiian burger!

No, she's a sweet little girl

who thinks if you make a wish on an eyelash, it'll come true.

She's right. It works for me every single time.

That's how come all of you are here.

-What? -Yeah. One day I had

an eyelash come out and I wished for an Asian baby.

Next day, Yung was on my doorstep.

Then another eyelash came out and I wished for a live-in maid.

And the next day, poof, I got Marquess.

A few weeks later, another eyelash came out,

I wished to meet my favorite Looney Tunes character,

Tweety bird, and here is Tweety bird.

Oh, I knew it was something-bird, it's Tweety bird.

Now, let's go help little Margaret Moses get her wish.

(FLIES BUZZING)

Ugh. I bet poor little Margaret's wish

was get the hell out of this shithole...

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Oh! Hi.

Oh, we were just admiring your home!

Yeah! Oh, this home is...

Oh, it's... Oh, it's so, it's...

Well, it's you know, it is, um, well, it's just absolute...

All these wires,

and the trash,

the tires, oh. Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, this is so...

Ugh. Quit wasting everyone's time, Margaret.

-Tell them what you wished for. -I can't.

You told me if you say your wish, it won't come true.

I probably just you told that to shut you up!

Look, if wishes came true, you think I'd be living in this hellhole?

You know how many times I wished I was a singer,

and everyone knew my songs, and knew who I was,

and that I mattered in this world?

Uh-oh. You just said your wish out loud.

Now your wish will never come true.

You'll be stuck here forever doing whatever job is your job.

Oh. Uh...

It's fine, come on in. You can head on back to the bedroom.

I'll be there in a second.

(SNIFFLES) If you'll excuse me, I have a client.

Margaret, there's chicken nuggets in the freezer if you're hungry.

Oh, the mom is a trailer park whore.

That old situation.

Pigeon! Don't worry, Margaret. It's all gonna be okay.

I promise you, we will make sure your wish comes true.

Marquess, don't promise her that.

We don't even know what she wished for.

We don't need to know.

We just need to go to the Wishing Well.

-The Wishing Well? -Yes.

The Wishing Well in Fantasy Forest.

It's hard to find because it's hidden by the Bountiful Bush.

-Hey, those are for me! -Oh, really?

Is that why it says Tyson chicken nuggets?

If it said Margaret Moses chicken nuggets, I wouldn't be eating them.

But I probably would because all I had today was a bowl of cereal.

-Marquess, slow down! -I can't.

The only way to get to Fantasy Forest is

to be going 100 miles an hour on a lonely highway

when the clock strikes midnight.

(GASPS)

That's not possible! It's midnight.

We were going 100 miles an hour

on a lonely highway at midnight.

Oh, no. That clock is wrong. It's still on daylight savings time.

I just don't know how to change it.

-So, it's 11:00? -It's probably around 10:40,

10:43, 10:50, something,

because the very first time I was setting it, I was like,

"Yung, what's the exact time right now?"

And she was like, "2:38." Then I started setting it.

You had to press that button so many times.

Then I finally get to 2:38,

but I'm on a.m. and I'm trying to get on p.m.

So, by the time I got the right 2:38 on there,

it was around 2:50 or some shit.

(YAWNS) I'm gonna take a nap for a bit.

I ate too many of the delicious Tyson chicken nuggets.

(SIGHS) Well, looks like we have some time to kill.

Anyone have any ideas?

-BOTH: Well, why don't you... -Oh. (CHUCKLES)

No, I'm sorry. What were you going to say?

-No, no. I'm sorry. You go. -No, please.

I was gonna say, "Why don't you tell us about the Wishing Well?"

Interesting, how different people are.

I was gonna say, "Why don't you drive back to that trailer park,

"so I can (BLEEP) that whore?"

-(YUNG SIGHS) -But, fair is fair.

I said you go first.

So, let's hear about this Wishing Well.

Okay. They tell you when you first die. Not the first thing,

but after you've been there for a little bit. You know, like a day.

They send you to this seminar. It's called "Secrets of the universe."

It sounds more exciting than it is, believe me.

And you can't have any food or drink in there, unless it's water.

And it's like, "(BLEEP) me! I just died. I want a (BLEEP) Diet Coke."

Ugh, anyway. You learn about time, you know.

It goes backwards and forwards, and this way and that way.

And you're like, "Really? Because right now,

"it doesn't feel like it's moving at all, because I have to piss,

"because all I've been doing is drinking (BLEEP) water." (CHUCKLES)

Anyway, God is just up there, yabbering,

and, oh, my God, he loves the sound of his voice.

And yes, God is a man.

I'm sorry, what about the Wishing Well?

Hmm? Oh, yeah. Right, okay.

So, all wishes are sent to the Wishing Well,

but, you must remember that not all wishes should be granted.

Some people wish for some terrible things,

you know, to happen to other people.

Oh, yeah. I do that all the time.

Like, right now, I'm wishing that car coming the opposite way

would swerve in our lane, and kill the driver.

Oh, my God! You don't even know that person.

No, I'm talking about the driver in this car.

(BLEEP) you. Okay. So, the bad wishes get caught

in the branches of the Bountiful Bush.

So, you think Margaret wished for something bad to happen

and that's why it didn't come true?

Okay, no. Unfortunately,

even some good wishes get caught in the Bush,

which is why it needs to be trimmed occasionally.

You know, groomed.

Okay. What time is it now?

Ugh. Your father set this clock completely wrong.

It's only 9:42.

Well, let's just pull over and wait.

PIGEON: We're still not gonna go back to the trailer park?

You get me all hot and bothered

with all this bush-trimming talk,

and now you want to just sit by the side of the road?

What am I supposed to do with this massive erection?

I don't see anything.

That's because it's inside my body,

because I'm a bird.

I don't see your tits. What's your excuse?

Oh, that's right. You've got the body of an 11-year-old boy.

Well, (BLEEP) you, you-don't-see-anything!

Let's just rest.

We have a big night ahead of us.

(YAWNS)

♪ Good morning to you Good morning to you ♪

♪ This morning was made For angels like you ♪

(GASPS) Oh, no!

We all fell asleep! We missed midnight.

There'll be another one, Marquess.

We just got to wait here together,

here in this enclosed vehicle

for many, many consecutive hours.

Okay. Everybody, it's 11:59.

-Buckle up. -(ENGINE STARTS UP)

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

Are you serious? Are you mother-(BLEEP) serious?

(BUZZING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(GASPS) There! The Bountiful Bush!

Let's find Margaret's wish!

"My wish is that all the Jews..."

Oh, my God! Mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm.

I found it.

"Margaret Moses, age seven-and-a-half.

"I wish that my dad would come home

"so we could be a family again."

Aw. Okay. So, how do we get it into the Wishing Well?

We have to trim the bush.

There you go, little Margaret Moses.

It came true! My wish came true!

All right, Margaret. Get on out of here and go play.

I want some alone time with Moms.

Okay. While I was in the joint,

I got a new meth recipe. Turn on the stove.

Where'd you put all the chemicals?

They're under the sink, dumbass.

Now, let's go (BLEEP) while it cooks.

DEER: Hello, little Margaret.

Little Margaret, you've lost your parents,

and we recently lost our child.

Come, let us be a family together in Fantasy Forest.

-MARGARET: Whoa! -(BOTH LAUGH)

-DEER: Oh, hold tight! -MARGARET: Whoa!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

DEER: Now, let's go meet the talking trees!

MARGARET: Oh!

DEER: They're over by the babbling brook.

MARGARET: Yay!

DEER: (LAUGHING) Wonderful.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)