Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

JILLIAN: Helena! Have you brought in the mail yet?

Not yet, senora.

Then do it, I'm busy.

JILLIAN: You can't have Newport Beach without a Newport bitch.

TIFFANY: Guess who I saw out at dinner last night?

Oh, my God, who?

Amanda, and let's just say she's not anorexic anymore.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Every beach town needs a bitch in a gown.

And that bitch is me.

Amanda better watch out or Travis is gonna leave her fat ass for the nanny.

(BOTH LAUGH)

And will you check on the baby and see if she needs changing

and if she does need changing, change her.

Ooh, I got my invite!

Kristi Hildebrand and her husband Kevin

host the Tux and Tiara Charity Ball every year for muscular dystrophy

and it is the event in Newport Beach

and if you aren't on that invite list you may as well just move to Anaheim.

I got mine yesterday.

In fact, I'm on my way to Kent Ellatrashe right now for a dress fitting.

JILLIAN: Oh, I'm seeing him on Thursday.

I'm thinking something real low-cut to show off my new C-cups.

Thank you, Dr. Slater.

-(TIFFANY LAUGHS) -(PHONE VIBRATING)

Oh, Tiff, let me call you later, that's Kimber calling.

KIMBER: Just like the beach, I like to make waves.

Oh, and also, I'm a bitch.

I didn't get invited.

JILLIAN: What are you talking about?

KIMBER: People got their invitations either today or yesterday.

Believe me, I talked to everyone.

I've known Kristi and Kevin for 11 years

and I've never not been invited to the Tux and Tiara

Charity Ball for Muscular Sclerosis.

I mean, I can't figure out why. It's a mystery.

Hey, team, we got a new mystery.

I'm known for three things. Boxing, mystery solving, and being a bitch.

It just makes no sense.

Kristi is a good friend of mine.

Her and I take yoga together,

her and I's kids go to the same school.

Have, uh, her and you thought of taking a basic English class?

-(BABY CRYING) -I'm sorry, miss. He wanting you.

He want his mother.

Chance say, "I want my mommy."

I can't hold you, Chance.

Dr. Slater said I can't lift anything for another month.

Mommy's new boobies need time to heal.

Graciela, just get him out of here!

Yes, missus.

It's okay, Chance, baby.

-Your mama is working right now. -(BABY CRYING)

(SCOFFS) Well, that's heartbreaking.

Um, so, Kimber, have you and Kristi ever had a disagreement,

or a misunderstanding?

(SCOFFS) Of course, all friends do, I mean...

Three years ago, she accused my husband Tanner

of groping her at Jillian's Cinco de Mayo party,

but we still got invited to the ball that year.

And then a little after that, Kevin fondled me at Tiffany's Fabulous 40 party

and I told Kristi about it and we hashed it out. You know, boys will be boys.

Then we got invited that year too.

Then about six months ago, Tanner got really drunk

and called Kevin and Kristi's daughter a slut, but we've had dinner since then.

So I know it's not that.

And even that night, Kevin groped Tanner and fondled me

and then we all sat next to each other at church on Sunday, so...

Hey, babe, I gotta go back to work.

Tanner, this is Mike Tyson and his mystery team.

They're gonna figure out why we weren't invited.

Sweet! Nice to meet you, champ.

I saw you fight Andrew Golota at the Palace in Auburn Hills.

I was wasted. I don't even remember who won.

-I did. -I'll tell you what I do remember.

I titty (BEEP) a flight attendant that night.

All right, baby, I'll be home for dinner.

Well, he was nice.

It's fun to think about Chance's future and all the places he'll go.

Rehab, institutions, prison, then he'll find Jesus, then rehab again.

Oh, my God!

I hope you can solve this.

We have to go to this ball.

It's not just 'cause I wanna show off my perfect new tits.

It's for a good cause. Multiple dystrophy.

Wait, multiple sclerosis or muscular dystrophy?

Wait, what?

You combined them.

You, you said, "multiple dystrophy" and it's muscular...

I don't (BEEP) know or care.

I just wanna go to a ball and show off my tits.

Where are we going?

To Kristi and Kevin's.

We're not gonna get anything out of talking to Jillian or Tiffany.

And I don't think Amanda and Travis will tell us anything

that we can't get from Tanner.

No, the answer lies with Kristi or Kevin.

Or does the answer lie with the local clothing designer, Kent Ellatrashe?

And we can't rule out renowned plastic surgeon Dr. Slater.

How the (BEEP) do you remember all these assholes' names?

What can I say? I'm good with names, bird.

Little city bird.

And how's that ghost doing back there?

You haven't talked much, ghost.

Chinese girl got your tongue?

(DOORBELL CHIMES)

Can I help you?

Yeah, we're here to see Kristi or Kevin,

or just Kristi or just Kevin.

KRISTI: Marta, who is it?

Oh, hi, I'm Kristi.

There's no I in team, but there's an I in Kristi.

There's also an I in bitch.

And it's the same I. I'm a bitch.

Hi, I'm former heavyweight champion of the world, Mike Tyson.

And you're on Mike Tyson Mysteries.

What?

Can we ask you a few questions, ma'am?

Yeah, sure. Come on in.

PIGEON: Nice tits! Dr. Slater?

Wait, what?

Kimber said I didn't invite her?

Yes, ma'am.

Okay, but I did invite her.

Her and I are super good friends.

Does she think I'm upset about Tanner

fondling my mother at Megan's Sweet 16 party?

(LAUGHS) I mean, I... I wasn't upset at all.

This is Newport Beach. These things happen.

Wow, so this is all just a big misunderstanding.

This is very surprising given how sophisticated you all are.

Okay, please tell Kimber that of course her and Tanner are invited.

Her and... Jesus Christ!

And of course, you're all invited.

(EXCLAIMS) Oh, my God.

I love a ball.

Oh, hey, Kristi, girl-to-girl, do you think you can get me in to see Kent Ellatrashe?

I... Only because I don't wanna just grab something off the rack.

I have the type of body that really needs tailoring. No, wait, you know what?

Don't worry about it, I'm just so excited to go to a ball. I love balls.

I just love balls.

(PIGEON CHUCKLES)

(GASPS)

(LAUGHS)

(EXCLAIMS)

(LAUGHING)

Hey, man, are you wearing a dress?

What? No!

It is a jumpsuit.

Kent Ellatrashe swears they're gonna be huge this season.

-(BOTH LAUGH) -(GASPS)

Evening, everyone.

Ladies.

Who was that?

Dr. Slater.

Hey, don't get any ideas, bitch.

He's the most eligible bachelor in Newport.

And he's gonna be mine.

Not if I have anything to do with it, bitch.

Bitch!

Is everyone having a good time?

I'm having a ball at the ball, get it?

Where are Kimber and Tanner?

I mean, after all that bullshit they don't have the decency to show up?

What a bunch of bitches.

Oh, I forgot to tell them.

Are you (BEEP) kidding me?

(PHONE DIALING)

Hey, Kimber, it's Mike Tyson.

You were invited to the ball. It's going on now.

She's on her way.

(GASPS)

(ALL GASPING)

(EXCLAIMS)

Is that... Is that Kimber's maid? Graciela?

She's beautiful.

They're already perfect.

And so are you.

Can I have this dance?

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

I don't want them too big, I just, I just want my lips to look fuller, you know,

more of a natural pout.

(PHONE VIBRATING)

I'm sorry, I have to take this. I'm on call tonight.

Darling, I'll be right back.

KIMBER: Graciela.

What the F are you doing here?

Oh, please forgive me, missus.

I took your invitation to the ball and keep it for myself.

I just wanted to be one time the princess

and not just clean up for the princess.

Oof. Buenos tatas, Graciela.

You want my hot tamale?

Ugh, Tanner!

Kimber, Tanner, I see you've met my girlfriend.

Your what?

Dr. Slater, this woman is a maid.

(ALL GASP)

I may be a maid,

but I am also

the bitch.

Wait a second, if Graciela is not at home and we're here,

who's with Chance?

He's fine, I left his bedroom window open. He's getting plenty of air.

Let's go in there and get loaded.

(PANTING)

(GROWLS)

Mama!

(WOLVES HOWLING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)