Original subtitles

Can I help you?

Ah? Oh, yeah, hey, yeah. Sure, maybe.

Uh, I think I'm late for a meeting?

Uh, with who?

Uh, I don't know.

I think it was supposed to start at 10:00.

Well, what's your name, sir?

Richard. It's not gonna be on there.

Look, I'm with the, uh, Mike Tyson Mystery Squad.

Or Mystery... Mystery Group. Something. I don't know what it's called.

What? I don't know why you're looking at me like that. It's Mike Tyson,

one of the world's most famous people.

He's got a tattoo on his face.

Any of this ringing a bell, doll?

The Mike Tyson Mystery Team is meeting with Jonathan Bowman,

and his office is just down that way.

Mystery Team, you're right. Thank you.

Good morning.

So, what are some of the other properties going for?

(SCOFFS) Nice of you to join us.

-Where were you? -None of your (BLEEP) business, that's where I was.

Okay, well, let me look at the numbers and I'll get back to you. Take care.

Okay. Sorry about that. I was saying,

my wife is turning 42 and I don't know what to get her.

I'd really like it to be something special, because I work nonstop

and she's at home all day with our four kids.

Four kids, huh? Hey, I know what you can get her!

Vaginal rejuvenation surgery.

-Pigeon! -What?

I'm hearing great things about it these days.

They do it with a laser, it's outpatient.

-You're back on your back in no time. -Anyway, thank you.

Okay. So, what does she like?

I always just get her a gift card.

Ugh.

Marquess does not like these gift cards.

He finds them very impersonal. I learned that the hard way.

Well, it's like you just gave up. You just gave up on friendship.

When's her birthday?

-Tomorrow. -MARQUESS: Tomorrow?

I know. I'm horrible with this stuff. Do you think you can help me?

Well, it's not technically a mystery. But, we'll do it.

-For $800. -(EXCLAIMS)

Uh, wow. Uh, okay?

Who do I make it out to?

The Mike Tyson Mystery Gang. Wait. No.

Um, the Mike Tyson Mystery Bunch.

No, no, no, wait. What do we call ourselves?

$800?

What? We never charge for these things.

Man, Deezy always says we're leaving money on the table.

Man, I mean... These people, man, we're dealing with. Desperate, man.

I bet I could've got $1000 out of that guy.

(STAMMERING) Turn right up here.

Where are we going, Marquess?

Don't judge a book. It's a little hidden gem of an antique store.

My friend, Maxine, is the owner.

Trust me, she'll have the perfect gift.

You're gonna love this place.

Hello! (LAUGHS)

(GASPS) Oh, oh!

(MARQUESS AND MAXINE LAUGHING)

Is that who I think it is?

-Yes! -(MAXINE SHRIEKING)

My God!

Marquess, I was just thinking about you.

Because I just got back from a buying trip to Sedona,

and while I was there,

-I found these salad tongs. -MARQUESS: Mmm.

And, you will die. I mean, have you ever?

(GASPS) They're so fun!

They're exactly what you want when you're having friends over, summer night,

out on the patio, just light stuff, maybe ceviche,

and just a perfect summer salad. (GASPS)

I have to have them.

(GASPS) No, what am I doing? What am I doing!

(CHUCKLES) No, we're not here for me. Shame! Maxi,

we are on a mission to find a birthday present for a 42-year-old woman.

(GASPS) How fun. Okay, so what could we do?

Hmm. Let's see, let's see, let's see, let's see, let's...

Okay, we could do jewelry.

I have a sublime cameo necklace. Oh, God.

But, maybe that's too something.

Okay. Does she, uh, does she drink tea?

I have a darling silver spoon set that needs just the right home.

And that home is my home. (CACKLES)

What about an antique photo?

(MAXINE AND MARQUESS EXCLAIMING)

Ooh.

(DOOR CHIMES)

-Now where were you? -Making a call.

-Well, who were you calling? -Jesus Christ, you're a nosy (BLEEP) bitch.

What the hell are we all doing in this dump, anyway?

(GASPS)

I'm sorry, Maxi, we have to go. Let's go.

You know, let me just get those salad tongs.

Oh! And that little spoon set. Ah, and I should at least try on the cameo necklace.

Mmm.

-(GRUNTING) -What happened back there, Marquess?

What was it about that photograph? Who were those men?

I don't wanna talk about it.

I never want to think about, or see that photo again.

Marquess, I got a surprise for you!

Ta-da!

(GASPS)

You seemed to respond to this photo, but then gasped when you saw the price.

-(MARQUESS EXCLAIMS) -But you're a dear friend,

and we just got this $800, so, when I said I was going back in the shop

to use the bathroom, what I was really doing was buying this photo.

But, I also did take a shit in Maxine's bathroom.

Marquess, who are those people?

(SIGHS) Well, the man on the right is the poet Oscar Wilde,

and the other is... Is my son.

-(SPLUTTERS) -(YELPS)

What? Did you just... You say, your son?

Yes! My son, Alfred. My wife called him Bosie.

(PIGEON SPLUTTERS) I'm sorry, did you say your wife?

Stop spitting on me, Pigeon!

Well, stop saying shocking things while I'm drinking.

"In February of 1895, Marquess of Queensbury..." That's you.

"Discovered the homosexual affair between Oscar Wilde

"and his son, Alfred 'Bosie' Douglas.

"After a drawn-out legal battle, Queensbury prevailed

"and Oscar Wilde served two years hard labor."

So, you had Oscar Wilde sent to jail for being your son's boyfriend?

Damn, Marquess, you're an asshole.

(STAMMERING) It was a different time.

People weren't as accepting back then.

-What happened to your son? -I don't know.

We never spoke after that. It... It haunted me until the day I died.

MIKE: Of syphilis.

-(PIGEON SPLUTTERING) -(GRUMBLING)

It's true, it's on here.

"He expired after a lengthy battle with dementia, likely caused by syphilis."

(MARQUESS GROANS)

(MURMURING)

Bosie.

(WHIMPERS)

This better be (BLEEP) important, Marquess.

It is very (BLEEP) important.

God damn, Marquess, don't swear in front of my daughter.

All right, listen. After a lot of thought, I've decided to use

-my go-back. -Oh. What's a go-back?

All ghosts are allowed one go-back,

where they can go back in time and right a wrong.

But, you only get one. So, I was saving mine, you know, for something big,

like, um, you know, go back in time and kill Hitler.

You know, before he really got going.

You would not have the balls to kill Hitler.

(EXCLAIMS) Hitler? Yes. Yes, I would.

Ah, really? How would you do it?

With a gun! Or... Something.

You don't know how to shoot a (BLEEP) gun.

Well, then! Ah! I'll hit him. With a shovel.

Where would you get a shovel and be near Hitler?

Pigeon! It doesn't matter. Because that's not gonna happen,

because I'm not gonna use my go-back for it.

I'm gonna use my go-back and make amends with my son, Bosie.

Why don't you go back a little further and not name him Bosie?

Are you done? Are you seriously, seriously done?

Now, here's the fun thing about a go-back.

Although you only get one, you can take as many people as you want with you.

Living, dead, it doesn't matter. Now.

Oh, wait. Now that I think about it, I think you can only take five.

I think five is the max. But, ah! There's only three of you, so we're good. So.

Here's what you do. We all stand in a circle.

And then I say, "Go back, go back, let's go back."

And then you say, "Okay, okay, okay, okay."

Oh, my God.

(CHURCH BELLS TOLLING)

(GASPS) Oh, my God. That's his house.

You got this, Marquess. Don't worry about us. We'll be here, just blending in.

Tip, tip, cheerio.

Top o' the morning to ya, governor.

Oh, Bosie.

What are you doing here, Father?

Oh, yes. Well, I want to apologize to you. For everything.

I'm sorry. And, I love you. And, I'm sorry.

Oh, and I love that scarf. Is that J. Crew?

-What? -What? Nothing.

The important thing is, I'm sorry.

Well. That means the world to me.

(SOBBING) Oh. Oh!

Oh, Father.

-OSCAR: Bosie, darling? Who's there? -Hmm?

(GASPS) Oh. Oscar. Uh, you're looking well.

You've lost some weight.

Doing hard labor in prison, thanks to you.

Ah. (LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY)

Oh, Deezy, I can't, I'm in London right now.

Why don't you get your sister to pick you up?

Then get a taxi! Damn, Deezy, you can't wait until you land

-to figure out your (BLEEP) ride? -(PHONE BEEPS)

I did it! (LAUGHS) He was very happy.

I even apologized to Oscar Wilde! So, conscience clean.

Successful go-back.

Ah, forgive me, but we're visiting from Germany and my husband is in there.

Will you watch my baby while I go get him?

-Yeah, no problem. -Ah, thank you.

What is your name?

-Mike Tyson. -I am Klara Hitler,

-and this is my baby, Adolf. -(GASPS)

Oy, you lot! Mind this shovel while I go in there and have a piss.

(GRUMBLES)

(BABY ADOLF COOING)

No, I don't... Uh...

(GROANS)

MARQUESS: Present day, present day, what do you say, present day!

PIGEON AND YUNG: Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Whoo! Wasn't that fun?

Well, that was classic. Marquess had a chance to kill Hitler

-and didn't have the balls. -(STAMMERING)

I had the balls. Kill baby Hitler and save six million Jews?

No-brainer.

I bet that was a shocking visual

for all those people on that street, huh?

Oh, no! We never got that guy a birthday present for his wife!

Oh, you know what? Let's just get him a (BLEEP) gift card.

Shalom aleichem.

-Shalom! -Shalom.

Shalom.

Shalom aleichem!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)